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Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, I read your concerns, and here is my honest, uncensored, heartfelt response:

#1 CHORES - He is a guy, a man, a MALE. He will never see it the way you do, not because he doesn't care, but because men and women are different! Ladies see and hear the world through PINK sunglasses and hearing aids. Guys see and hear the world through BLUE sunglasses and hearing aids. It's time to convey your concerns through BLUE SUNGLASSES, aka as a guy! You say you do everything? STOP. Stop doing everything. He expects you to do it all, and is a guy, so if one person does it, why should he? It's taken care of. So STOP. Believe me, he will question why you've stopped doing those everyday things you do, and it will open the path to conversation, and talk about it you will. Tell him you're on the same team, wearing the same color jersey, and you wish he would join and help out instead of always sitting on the sidelines.


#2 FREE TIME; #4 MONEY; #5 THE FUTURE - Honestly darling, it's all the same. So stop placing things in categories when its one HUGE issue. First, stop providing the money for his hobbies (if you are) Second, start doing things for yourself, aka going to the movies, bars/clubs, spa, hair salon, etc. I'm not saying spend money, because I know you're in saving mode... what I'm saying is start doing things for yourself. If you wait around to have him join the fun with things you like doing, honey, you're going to wait FOREVER. Believe me, when you start doing things on your own, he's going to wonder why, and it will open up conversation about what's going on, and BE HONEST. Tell him you want enjoy time with him, and need his partnership, and your concern about money. Which leads to my third point: Money.issues.are.UGLY. Let's face it, not everything is peaches and cream, and when it comes to money issues, it can get ugly. REAL ugly. So now is the time to lay it all down, hash it out, and figure out how the finances will work for the both of you. Get pen and paper, start an excel spreadsheet, get receipts, credit card statements, bills, everything, and sit down and WORK ON A BUDGET aka living expense. You need to see it on paper and see where your money is going. For all you know, he may not even realize how much he's dropping on his "hobbies", so help him manage it, and tell him you don't want to resent him for spending that much, but he needs to be reasonable. Look, it WON'T be easy, it will not be a pleasant time, but it must be done. In the end, you will both feel accomplished. Remember, everything you're both doing is not for just one person, its for the BOTH of you, for the SAME TEAM. Keep that in mind, and as your sole motivation.

#3 CHILDREN - People always change, so his stance might too. Maybe he may not want 5 or 10 children, but what about 1? Yes, each child is a financial decision too, so maybe having an army is not an expense he wants to make, but talk about it. COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING!! Maybe just 1 child is something he can consider.

Darling, I really wish you the best of luck <3 I know it's not easy, and sometimes you feel alone, vulnerable, and totally at a loss of where you're headed, but remember, life is a learning process. You're both learning how to live with someone else, your privacy is gone, it's a new experience, so you will have bumps in the road, and it's ok if you do! It won't be perfect, but the most important thing is communication. Talk about your needs, concerns, and anything else. Respect him, adore him, let him know how much you need him to be an active partner in the relationship. Nothing is worse than having a team player sit on the sidelines while the other one takes all the brunts and shoves, but until you convey that to him, he'll be clueless.

So enough of my rant lol I really, hope everything goes good! <3 :wavey:
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'v read through the whole thread and wanted to add a few comments:

1) - He hadn't realised that you were unhappy... sorry, but this is just crap. If you love someone then you know when they are unhappy. My guess is that this wasn't a suprise to him at all, he's just annoyed that you've suddenly called him out on it. He's probably feeling a bit guilty and so he's trying to guilt trip you right now. Hence the not being affectionate etc - which frankly IMHO is very immature on his part. In fact, he's already got you saying how you don't want him to be unhappy either - he should be the one feeling really bad instead he's turning the tables on you and making you feel bad for raising these issues.

2) Children - I never thought I wanted children and neither did DH, however we did leave it that the option was open when we got engaged. We were engaged in December 2006 and married in July 2008 - around May 2008 my then fiance decided that he wanted us to have a baby, he was 33 at the time and I was nearly 36. Little did I know that baby fever was going to hit as hard as it did. We planned to start trying in the October... well let's just say that we started trying the night of our wedding and I was pregnant less than 6 weeks later!

We now have a 20 month old little girl who is the apple of her daddy's eye. Yes she's hard work - she's a somewhat challenging and determined child - there were/are lots of sleepless nights, there wasn't much 'me' time for the first year and a bit and our lives have changed. I'm not a routine/schedule kind of person so I still do the kind of things we did before, I just bring her with us. I thought I'd never get another lie-in again... I woke her up at 9.30am this morning. I thought I'd need a full-time nanny because I would hate/be such a crap mother... everyone, not least me, is suprised that I both enjoy being a mother but seem to have taken to it like a duck to water. Do I like other people's kids? Not particularly but more than I did before. Do I like my kid? I adore her more than I ever thought it possible and wouldn't want my old carefree life back for anything.

Having your sister's baby to stay won't give you an idea if kids are for you. What you feel and will do for your own child is so completely different. The biological urge to have children is overwhelming when it hits and if you are not 100% sure - and it sounds to me like you are at worst 60/40 in favour of having them in the future - then you will do yourself no favours by committing yourself to a man who is 100% that they don't.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

decodelighted|1297640129|2851007 said:
Okay. We'll pretend that it'll all work out in the end. That you're not actually really growing apart. That your problems aren't insurmountable. That you aren't one of the 90% of 24 year olds who change their minds about wanting kids by 30.

Do what you want to do. But first, read this: http://therumpus.net/2011/02/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-64/

Here's an excerpt:

You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.

As usual, thanks for your bluntness. This is the kind of tough love I need that I know my friends won't give me. It reminds me of why I started this thread to begin with. I read the article and it definitely hit home. Thank you deco.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

ElizabethR|1297658708|2851222 said:
Advicepls,
In my humble opinion you are not being irrational. You seem very grounded and wise.
Thank you!
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

thing2of2|1297692385|2851377 said:
I don't think you're being irrational. I think living apart will be better for both of you. You can focus on you and he can grow up and take care of himself for once.

That said, I agree with deco, and I think that column she linked to is perfect for your situation. Good luck!
Thank you. I think that I don't feel ready to make a decision about this myself in the time we have left in our lease. I don't feel like it's enough time to see if we've really made a strong enough effort towards changing. I think living apart will give us the time to really evaluate our relationship for what it is without the pressure of a lease timeline, etc stressing things further. I'm by no means saying that this will work out, in all likelihood it won't, but I think living apart will put us back to where we should be at this point in our relationship. Still being financially independent of each other while deciding what we each want for our futures.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

DolceJo|1297696952|2851432 said:
Okay, I read your concerns, and here is my honest, uncensored, heartfelt response:

#1 CHORES - He is a guy, a man, a MALE. He will never see it the way you do, not because he doesn't care, but because men and women are different! Ladies see and hear the world through PINK sunglasses and hearing aids. Guys see and hear the world through BLUE sunglasses and hearing aids. It's time to convey your concerns through BLUE SUNGLASSES, aka as a guy! You say you do everything? STOP. Stop doing everything. He expects you to do it all, and is a guy, so if one person does it, why should he? It's taken care of. So STOP. Believe me, he will question why you've stopped doing those everyday things you do, and it will open the path to conversation, and talk about it you will. Tell him you're on the same team, wearing the same color jersey, and you wish he would join and help out instead of always sitting on the sidelines.

I know that he is a man, but that doesn't make him blind! Like others have pointed out, when you love someone you take notice to their efforts and level of happiness. Why is it that he's either a) not noticed or b) not cared that I'm unhappy? How does he not get how much work it is to keep a household together?

#2 FREE TIME; #4 MONEY; #5 THE FUTURE - Honestly darling, it's all the same. So stop placing things in categories when its one HUGE issue. First, stop providing the money for his hobbies (if you are) Second, start doing things for yourself, aka going to the movies, bars/clubs, spa, hair salon, etc. I'm not saying spend money, because I know you're in saving mode... what I'm saying is start doing things for yourself. If you wait around to have him join the fun with things you like doing, honey, you're going to wait FOREVER. Believe me, when you start doing things on your own, he's going to wonder why, and it will open up conversation about what's going on, and BE HONEST. Tell him you want enjoy time with him, and need his partnership, and your concern about money. Which leads to my third point: Money.issues.are.UGLY. Let's face it, not everything is peaches and cream, and when it comes to money issues, it can get ugly. REAL ugly. So now is the time to lay it all down, hash it out, and figure out how the finances will work for the both of you. Get pen and paper, start an excel spreadsheet, get receipts, credit card statements, bills, everything, and sit down and WORK ON A BUDGET aka living expense. You need to see it on paper and see where your money is going. For all you know, he may not even realize how much he's dropping on his "hobbies", so help him manage it, and tell him you don't want to resent him for spending that much, but he needs to be reasonable. Look, it WON'T be easy, it will not be a pleasant time, but it must be done. In the end, you will both feel accomplished. Remember, everything you're both doing is not for just one person, its for the BOTH of you, for the SAME TEAM. Keep that in mind, and as your sole motivation.

I get what you're saying, and you're right, it's pretty much all the same. There are some erroneous extras in these areas but it mostly comes down to money (or at this point our lack thereof) due to his caring more about activities than responsibilities. I do not pay for his hobbies, but I do care for our household responsibilities while he does which is one of the things we talked about. I want to do exactly as you've described and sit down and create a monthly budget together so that we can TOGETHER get on the same page about money and work on saving for our future. He has no *real* interest in doing so. According to him, his money is his, my money is mine, and his is none of my business. This has never pleased me and should have been more of a flag earlier in our relationship. In all honesty, I feel like I'm of and ready for the mentality of being partners, being on the same team. He's not. It's never ours, it's always his and mine according to him. I want a partner, not whatever this is.

#3 CHILDREN - People always change, so his stance might too. Maybe he may not want 5 or 10 children, but what about 1? Yes, each child is a financial decision too, so maybe having an army is not an expense he wants to make, but talk about it. COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING!! Maybe just 1 child is something he can consider.

True, but so far, he's made his expectations (of no children) pretty clear. At the moment I'm feeling like I'd like to have 1 child and he doesn't. I'm not wanting/asking for more than 1, I think I could be a totally happy parent of an only child. He doesn't want to be a parent. Communication is key, but it's hard to communicate with him. A lot of these issues can be emotional and being someone who is easily emotional in these types of situations, he doesn't deal with it well. He all but shuts down if I shed any tears. He's so bad at that and always has been. I can't get him to talk to me about his feelings on any of these issues other than he doesn't want kids, he'd rather not share finances, and he loves his hobbies but "if *we* can't afford them then I guess I'll have to give them up". I feel like he's been very resentful about the whole conversation and it's make me feel like crap.

Darling, I really wish you the best of luck <3 I know it's not easy, and sometimes you feel alone, vulnerable, and totally at a loss of where you're headed, but remember, life is a learning process. You're both learning how to live with someone else, your privacy is gone, it's a new experience, so you will have bumps in the road, and it's ok if you do! It won't be perfect, but the most important thing is communication. Talk about your needs, concerns, and anything else. Respect him, adore him, let him know how much you need him to be an active partner in the relationship. Nothing is worse than having a team player sit on the sidelines while the other one takes all the brunts and shoves, but until you convey that to him, he'll be clueless.

It is a learning process, but I would think and expect that after being with someone for over 5 years, living together for more than 4 that he'd be more open to the idea of a partnership and getting on the same page. It makes me think that in his mind that he already knows that I'm not the one he wants to be with forever and that's he's stringing me along to keep his life easy until he's in a better position to change it. I know that's a horrible thing to say and I don't know that he'd ever do something like that consciously, but sometimes that's what I feel like.

So enough of my rant lol I really, hope everything goes good! <3 :wavey:
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Pandora|1297702336|2851527 said:
I'v read through the whole thread and wanted to add a few comments:

1) - He hadn't realised that you were unhappy... sorry, but this is just crap. If you love someone then you know when they are unhappy. My guess is that this wasn't a suprise to him at all, he's just annoyed that you've suddenly called him out on it. He's probably feeling a bit guilty and so he's trying to guilt trip you right now. Hence the not being affectionate etc - which frankly IMHO is very immature on his part. In fact, he's already got you saying how you don't want him to be unhappy either - he should be the one feeling really bad instead he's turning the tables on you and making you feel bad for raising these issues.

I'd like to think so too. I have a hard time believing that after as long as we've been together that he doesn't love me though, I am beginning to wonder if he's in love with me. I also think he's being immature about it all which speaks volumes to me too. And your'e right he has been making me feel bad for bringing it up.

2) Children - I never thought I wanted children and neither did DH, however we did leave it that the option was open when we got engaged. We were engaged in December 2006 and married in July 2008 - around May 2008 my then fiance decided that he wanted us to have a baby, he was 33 at the time and I was nearly 36. Little did I know that baby fever was going to hit as hard as it did. We planned to start trying in the October... well let's just say that we started trying the night of our wedding and I was pregnant less than 6 weeks later!

We now have a 20 month old little girl who is the apple of her daddy's eye. Yes she's hard work - she's a somewhat challenging and determined child - there were/are lots of sleepless nights, there wasn't much 'me' time for the first year and a bit and our lives have changed. I'm not a routine/schedule kind of person so I still do the kind of things we did before, I just bring her with us. I thought I'd never get another lie-in again... I woke her up at 9.30am this morning. I thought I'd need a full-time nanny because I would hate/be such a crap mother... everyone, not least me, is suprised that I both enjoy being a mother but seem to have taken to it like a duck to water. Do I like other people's kids? Not particularly but more than I did before. Do I like my kid? I adore her more than I ever thought it possible and wouldn't want my old carefree life back for anything.

Having your sister's baby to stay won't give you an idea if kids are for you. What you feel and will do for your own child is so completely different. The biological urge to have children is overwhelming when it hits and if you are not 100% sure - and it sounds to me like you are at worst 60/40 in favour of having them in the future - then you will do yourself no favours by committing yourself to a man who is 100% that they don't.

I'm still firmly planted on the fence leaning towards the side with all the babies. I'm beginning to think that the biological urge to have a child in the next 5-10 years is going to hit me like a ton of bricks and while sure, there may be some chance he could be one of the people who changes his mind, I'm not betting on it and it sort of terrifies me to be honest. Am I going to resent him for this? He's also a workaholic and his job will consume much of his life as an adult after school. Will I be sad and resentful to be home working a regular-ish scheduled 40 hour work week with no children and no husband around since he's always working? I'm not sure.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

This right here....

"According to him, his money is his, my money is mine, and his is none of my business."

I'm sorry, but there's no effing way I'd live under the same roof as someone like this unless it was a roommate. I commend you for being rational and giving him a chance to fix things, but if he's already resentful of having to change, I *highly* doubt that it's going to be a growth experience for him. In order to change for good, he has to TRULY see the error of his ways and making you feel like crap about bringing up VALID points to try to save your relationship and make it healthier doesn't sound like he feels like there's anything to fix. Would a roommate do his dishes, shop for him and sleep with him? NO. Those things aren't part of a "roommate" lifestyle...at least not for more than an awkward transitional period of a few months to at MOST a year imo. Once you get to the point that he's at in terms of having you basically be the wife w/o *any* of the benefits, he should WANT to be your partner in all of these things. If I brought up the points that you have to my FI back when he was still my BF (and I did, for some), he would have (and was) *extremely* interested in fixing it. More importantly, he didn't even come close to making ME feel bad about his shortcomings, which were far less than what you're dealing with.

I'm sorry, this guy just makes me :angryfire: and you sound like such a loving, caring and thoughtful woman that deserves SO much more. *big hugs*
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls|1297712860|2851723 said:
Pandora|1297702336|2851527 said:
I'v read through the whole thread and wanted to add a few comments:

1) - He hadn't realised that you were unhappy... sorry, but this is just crap. If you love someone then you know when they are unhappy. My guess is that this wasn't a suprise to him at all, he's just annoyed that you've suddenly called him out on it. He's probably feeling a bit guilty and so he's trying to guilt trip you right now. Hence the not being affectionate etc - which frankly IMHO is very immature on his part. In fact, he's already got you saying how you don't want him to be unhappy either - he should be the one feeling really bad instead he's turning the tables on you and making you feel bad for raising these issues.

I'd like to think so too. I have a hard time believing that after as long as we've been together that he doesn't love me though, I am beginning to wonder if he's in love with me. I also think he's being immature about it all which speaks volumes to me too. And your'e right he has been making me feel bad for bringing it up.

I think there is a way of loving someone where they are a bit like a piece of furniture - it's familiar, it's comfortable and fits you just right, the fabric is pretty resistant and it needs very little in the way of upkeep and... boy are you going to be annoyed if you come home and find that someone has re-upholstered it in a not such easy to care for fabric and it's suddenly not so comfy.

My mother used to say to all of us (4 kids) that sometimes it was hard to leave a relationship because you were habituated to having that person there and did love them but not in a 'in love with you and want to go forward in life as partners' type way - it would mean making your life uncomfortable for a while but ultimately it was better for both parties to start over.

I'm afraid I get the feeling that this is what is happening with your SO - but he doesn't have the maturity to deal with it or to even face up to it. You say that he's 24, which is very young especially for a man. I don't know about your social group but in mine it would be very rare for a man to even think about a serious relationship where finances etc were shared until their early 30's. At 24 they wanted to be spending their money unwisely and doing all the things they can't do once they've got a wife and kids. In some areas it's more than normal for men to marry in their early 20's and so what I've said doesn't hold - men are very influenced by what their peers are up to!

2) Children - I never thought I wanted children and neither did DH, however we did leave it that the option was open when we got engaged. We were engaged in December 2006 and married in July 2008 - around May 2008 my then fiance decided that he wanted us to have a baby, he was 33 at the time and I was nearly 36. Little did I know that baby fever was going to hit as hard as it did. We planned to start trying in the October... well let's just say that we started trying the night of our wedding and I was pregnant less than 6 weeks later!

We now have a 20 month old little girl who is the apple of her daddy's eye. Yes she's hard work - she's a somewhat challenging and determined child - there were/are lots of sleepless nights, there wasn't much 'me' time for the first year and a bit and our lives have changed. I'm not a routine/schedule kind of person so I still do the kind of things we did before, I just bring her with us. I thought I'd never get another lie-in again... I woke her up at 9.30am this morning. I thought I'd need a full-time nanny because I would hate/be such a crap mother... everyone, not least me, is suprised that I both enjoy being a mother but seem to have taken to it like a duck to water. Do I like other people's kids? Not particularly but more than I did before. Do I like my kid? I adore her more than I ever thought it possible and wouldn't want my old carefree life back for anything.

Having your sister's baby to stay won't give you an idea if kids are for you. What you feel and will do for your own child is so completely different. The biological urge to have children is overwhelming when it hits and if you are not 100% sure - and it sounds to me like you are at worst 60/40 in favour of having them in the future - then you will do yourself no favours by committing yourself to a man who is 100% that they don't.

I'm still firmly planted on the fence leaning towards the side with all the babies. I'm beginning to think that the biological urge to have a child in the next 5-10 years is going to hit me like a ton of bricks and while sure, there may be some chance he could be one of the people who changes his mind, I'm not betting on it and it sort of terrifies me to be honest. Am I going to resent him for this? He's also a workaholic and his job will consume much of his life as an adult after school. Will I be sad and resentful to be home working a regular-ish scheduled 40 hour work week with no children and no husband around since he's always working? I'm not sure.

Yes, you will be very resentful. Both by the work-schedule and even more so should the baby-bug hit. Kids are very hard work, they can test even the strongest relationship and an ooops or similar or even talking someone who doesn't want children into it would be a recipe for disaster in my book.

I really would start making plans to leave - this guy should be bending over backwards to make you happy right now and he's not. You deserve way better. I left several long-term living-together relationships before I met my husband. It was weird... I always had a ball being single, but then couldn't get myself out of 'going nowhere' relationships without months of agonising, tears etc... 3 months after I finally left I'd wonder what took me so long!

Oh, and apologies for calling you a sofa! :wink2:
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

tammy77|1297718173|2851781 said:
This right here....

"According to him, his money is his, my money is mine, and his is none of my business."

I'm sorry, but there's no effing way I'd live under the same roof as someone like this unless it was a roommate. I commend you for being rational and giving him a chance to fix things, but if he's already resentful of having to change, I *highly* doubt that it's going to be a growth experience for him. In order to change for good, he has to TRULY see the error of his ways and making you feel like crap about bringing up VALID points to try to save your relationship and make it healthier doesn't sound like he feels like there's anything to fix. Would a roommate do his dishes, shop for him and sleep with him? NO. Those things aren't part of a "roommate" lifestyle...at least not for more than an awkward transitional period of a few months to at MOST a year imo. Once you get to the point that he's at in terms of having you basically be the wife w/o *any* of the benefits, he should WANT to be your partner in all of these things. If I brought up the points that you have to my FI back when he was still my BF (and I did, for some), he would have (and was) *extremely* interested in fixing it. More importantly, he didn't even come close to making ME feel bad about his shortcomings, which were far less than what you're dealing with.

I'm sorry, this guy just makes me :angryfire: and you sound like such a loving, caring and thoughtful woman that deserves SO much more. *big hugs*
I agree. This money issues of his and mine has always bugged me. I think more so now that I'm feeling like we should be progressing towards more of a full fledged partnership from this roommate type situation. He wants a partnership when it means getting his laundry done, his groceries picked up, etc, but not when it comes to planning a future. Another his/mine example: last night I had class. Before leaving for class (and after having been to the vet to get "his" pet shots for the year!), I heated up some leftovers in a tupperware. Apparently I left the lid on the stove and forgot about it having washed the actual container, etc. I got home from class and he had heated up some other leftovers for himself to eat and had left his dirty plate on the side table in the living room. I left it there. At the end of the night he picked it up himself and took it to the sink to wash it (yay!). Then, I realized there was a lid on the stove and (wrongly) assumed it was his. I stuck it in the sink (while I was packing both of our lunches for the next day) for him to do with the others. He said that the lid wasn't "his". Um, excuse me?! Even if it wasn't (which it wasn't) a: your'e already doing dishes, b: I'm packing your effing lunch! and c: how would you like me to apply that yours and mine attitude to your laundry next weekend?! When I said that, he got pissy about it, washed the lid and said "you'll get annoyed with the dirty messes long before I will." WTF. It's like sometimes he gets it and realizes he's being an ass and that he needs to get with the program, and other times he just proves that he is such.an.ass.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Pandora|1297766072|2852205 said:
I think there is a way of loving someone where they are a bit like a piece of furniture - it's familiar, it's comfortable and fits you just right, the fabric is pretty resistant and it needs very little in the way of upkeep and... boy are you going to be annoyed if you come home and find that someone has re-upholstered it in a not such easy to care for fabric and it's suddenly not so comfy.

My mother used to say to all of us (4 kids) that sometimes it was hard to leave a relationship because you were habituated to having that person there and did love them but not in a 'in love with you and want to go forward in life as partners' type way - it would mean making your life uncomfortable for a while but ultimately it was better for both parties to start over.

I'm afraid I get the feeling that this is what is happening with your SO - but he doesn't have the maturity to deal with it or to even face up to it. You say that he's 24, which is very young especially for a man. I don't know about your social group but in mine it would be very rare for a man to even think about a serious relationship where finances etc were shared until their early 30's. At 24 they wanted to be spending their money unwisely and doing all the things they can't do once they've got a wife and kids. In some areas it's more than normal for men to marry in their early 20's and so what I've said doesn't hold - men are very influenced by what their peers are up to!

Yes, you will be very resentful. Both by the work-schedule and even more so should the baby-bug hit. Kids are very hard work, they can test even the strongest relationship and an ooops or similar or even talking someone who doesn't want children into it would be a recipe for disaster in my book.

I really would start making plans to leave - this guy should be bending over backwards to make you happy right now and he's not. You deserve way better. I left several long-term living-together relationships before I met my husband. It was weird... I always had a ball being single, but then couldn't get myself out of 'going nowhere' relationships without months of agonising, tears etc... 3 months after I finally left I'd wonder what took me so long!

Oh, and apologies for calling you a sofa! :wink2:

Thanks Pandora. I think your analogy makes a lot of sense. It's true, we're comfortable. I think he is uber annoyed with the fact that I brought it up. He was happy the way things were, and why shouldn't he be? Everything was taken care of. I think he does love me, but not the in love with me want to move forward in life kind of love. I've read it here many times, if a man wants to marry you, he will. I've seen this in friends of mine (even at my age). If a man has decided he is with the right person, usually nothing will stop him. He's dragging his feet (not that I even want to get married for several more years/have not pushed or hinted in any way that I do). I even remember him mentioning once that every year he's nervous about signing a lease with me. Um, why? This should have been a flag too. I think I will be resentful too. I would never push him to have children. Honestly the reason I think I was even leaning towards not wanting them was that I couldn't see being a mother to *his* children. And, you're right again. I feel like if he was totally oblivious to my unhappiness, me voicing it should have been enough for him to bend over backwards to work with me to fix it. All he's being is distant, resentful, and cold.

Oh, and no problems for calling me a sofa, the analogy made sense to me and I appreciate the wise insight from someone who has been there and done that.

It's going to hurt so much, I do love him, I love his family, and I love this dream fantasy life I have in my head for ourselves. I'm not sure he'll ever be in the camp of OURS though and that's not something I'm willing to compromise on.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls|1297783344|2852288 said:
He said that the lid wasn't "his". Um, excuse me?! Even if it wasn't (which it wasn't) a: your'e already doing dishes, b: I'm packing your effing lunch! and c: how would you like me to apply that yours and mine attitude to your laundry next weekend?! When I said that, he got pissy about it, washed the lid and said "you'll get annoyed with the dirty messes long before I will." WTF. It's like sometimes he gets it and realizes he's being an a$$ and that he needs to get with the program, and other times he just proves that he is such.an.a$$.

:eek:

Ugh, that is so childish! You deserve waaaay better. Everyone does. My husband doesn't love doing the dishes, but he did them all last week when I was sick on the couch with a sinus infection. Get out while you can, even if it hurts now, it will hurt so much more later when you know you didn't have to stay with him, but did. I'm sure your friends will rally and be a support system for you, especially if you tell them stories like the one above. And, of course, PS is always here for you! :tongue:
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls|1297783344|2852288 said:
I agree. This money issues of his and mine has always bugged me. I think more so now that I'm feeling like we should be progressing towards more of a full fledged partnership from this roommate type situation. He wants a partnership when it means getting his laundry done, his groceries picked up, etc, but not when it comes to planning a future. Another his/mine example: last night I had class. Before leaving for class (and after having been to the vet to get "his" pet shots for the year!), I heated up some leftovers in a tupperware. Apparently I left the lid on the stove and forgot about it having washed the actual container, etc. I got home from class and he had heated up some other leftovers for himself to eat and had left his dirty plate on the side table in the living room. I left it there. At the end of the night he picked it up himself and took it to the sink to wash it (yay!). Then, I realized there was a lid on the stove and (wrongly) assumed it was his. I stuck it in the sink (while I was packing both of our lunches for the next day) for him to do with the others. He said that the lid wasn't "his". Um, excuse me?! Even if it wasn't (which it wasn't) a: your'e already doing dishes, b: I'm packing your effing lunch! and c: how would you like me to apply that yours and mine attitude to your laundry next weekend?! When I said that, he got pissy about it, washed the lid and said "you'll get annoyed with the dirty messes long before I will." WTF. It's like sometimes he gets it and realizes he's being an a$$ and that he needs to get with the program, and other times he just proves that he is such.an.a$$.

So I get that a lot of people don't buy into Valentine's Day, but wow. Hun do you really think his attitude and behavior are actually going to get better if within less than a week he's already treating you like a roommate to an extreme while you're packing HIS lunch? Brutal honest opinion time here. You're wasting your time and just giving him more opportunities to make you feel like crap/hurt you. Why bother?! :(sad
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls|1297783344|2852288 said:
how would you like me to apply that yours and mine attitude to your laundry next weekend?!

This is exactly what you should do. Don't do his laundry. The guy CAN'T EVEN WASH A SINGLE LID for you when he's already doing dishes. I've said it before and I'll say it again- you're not his maid and you're not his wife.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Wow to the dishes story. He's showing you his true colors and I'm glad you're not ignoring them.

I think it's time to stop packing his lunch if he's begrudging you a LID. Seriously, you deserve better. If I were you I'd start looking for an apartment ASAP and I'd start living as roommates. Roommates as in, no packing his lunches, buying his groceries or doing anything for him. Why should you? He does NOTHING for you.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

rubybeth|1297785172|2852324 said:
advicepls|1297783344|2852288 said:
He said that the lid wasn't "his". Um, excuse me?! Even if it wasn't (which it wasn't) a: your'e already doing dishes, b: I'm packing your effing lunch! and c: how would you like me to apply that yours and mine attitude to your laundry next weekend?! When I said that, he got pissy about it, washed the lid and said "you'll get annoyed with the dirty messes long before I will." WTF. It's like sometimes he gets it and realizes he's being an a$$ and that he needs to get with the program, and other times he just proves that he is such.an.a$$.

:eek:

Ugh, that is so childish! You deserve waaaay better. Everyone does. My husband doesn't love doing the dishes, but he did them all last week when I was sick on the couch with a sinus infection. Get out while you can, even if it hurts now, it will hurt so much more later when you know you didn't have to stay with him, but did. I'm sure your friends will rally and be a support system for you, especially if you tell them stories like the one above. And, of course, PS is always here for you! :tongue:
I agree, it was way childish. BF doesn't like doing anything, it's not just the dishes. He likes to live in a clean put together house and doesn't feel it's his responsibility to do any of the work. I didn't think chores were going to be an issue when we first moved in together. He kept his prior to me apartment immaculate. He was a total neat freak. I'm guessing he still is, he just doesn't feel the need to do anything about it. I'm definitely more OCD about it than he is and he just assumes it's easier to do nothing.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

tammy77|1297793135|2852448 said:
advicepls|1297783344|2852288 said:
I agree. This money issues of his and mine has always bugged me. I think more so now that I'm feeling like we should be progressing towards more of a full fledged partnership from this roommate type situation. He wants a partnership when it means getting his laundry done, his groceries picked up, etc, but not when it comes to planning a future. Another his/mine example: last night I had class. Before leaving for class (and after having been to the vet to get "his" pet shots for the year!), I heated up some leftovers in a tupperware. Apparently I left the lid on the stove and forgot about it having washed the actual container, etc. I got home from class and he had heated up some other leftovers for himself to eat and had left his dirty plate on the side table in the living room. I left it there. At the end of the night he picked it up himself and took it to the sink to wash it (yay!). Then, I realized there was a lid on the stove and (wrongly) assumed it was his. I stuck it in the sink (while I was packing both of our lunches for the next day) for him to do with the others. He said that the lid wasn't "his". Um, excuse me?! Even if it wasn't (which it wasn't) a: your'e already doing dishes, b: I'm packing your effing lunch! and c: how would you like me to apply that yours and mine attitude to your laundry next weekend?! When I said that, he got pissy about it, washed the lid and said "you'll get annoyed with the dirty messes long before I will." WTF. It's like sometimes he gets it and realizes he's being an a$$ and that he needs to get with the program, and other times he just proves that he is such.an.a$$.

So I get that a lot of people don't buy into Valentine's Day, but wow. Hun do you really think his attitude and behavior are actually going to get better if within less than a week he's already treating you like a roommate to an extreme while you're packing HIS lunch? Brutal honest opinion time here. You're wasting your time and just giving him more opportunities to make you feel like crap/hurt you. Why bother?! :(sad
This is what has been going through my head. If he's being this resentful and cold after just a week, it's not sounding promising that it's going to get better. I have to admit I had a fleeting thought of why even bother? If he actually cares as little as his actions show, I guess he won't be that upset to lose me. I think that's the part the hurts the most.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

amc80|1297796681|2852497 said:
advicepls|1297783344|2852288 said:
how would you like me to apply that yours and mine attitude to your laundry next weekend?!

This is exactly what you should do. Don't do his laundry. The guy CAN'T EVEN WASH A SINGLE LID for you when he's already doing dishes. I've said it before and I'll say it again- you're not his maid and you're not his wife.
Thanks amc. I definitely feel like his yours and mine attitude is only applicable when it's convienent for him. When it was about going to buy his own deoderant, it was all "that's not very one team united!". Oy vey.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

thing2of2|1297796924|2852500 said:
Wow to the dishes story. He's showing you his true colors and I'm glad you're not ignoring them.

I think it's time to stop packing his lunch if he's begrudging you a LID. Seriously, you deserve better. If I were you I'd start looking for an apartment ASAP and I'd start living as roommates. Roommates as in, no packing his lunches, buying his groceries or doing anything for him. Why should you? He does NOTHING for you.
I'm not ignoring anything. If anything, I'm taking the signs/flags in more now than ever. I'm still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's not looking good. Some issues with moving out now is $. Our lease isn't up until the end of June and I physically can not afford to pay for two apartments (one in full and one for my half) for more than 4 months. 2 months may be doable if I get a cheap enough place so that I can move out when we have to give notice. The other issues is that because I can't afford to move out right now, we only live in a one bedroom apartment so it's not like we can just take to being roommates and sleeping in separate bedrooms until our lease runs out. This is the FIRST apartment we've gotten together in over 4 years that didn't have 2 bedrooms. We kind of always though we should have the extra 'just in case' <---shouldn't that have been a flag in it of itself?

So at the moment I think my plan is to be as distant as he's been, keep to myself, take care of me, see if his attitude improves/changes at all and reevaluate in a few weeks. I'd like to have another discussion at the beginning of April (one month out from our deadline of giving notice) to determine if he has any further thoughts on the situation and feelings on money/children/etc. At that point to let him know that I'm having serious doubts and that I'm leaning towards wanting children and that I don't want to make any decisions just yet, but that I want him to know that and have that thought in his head over the next few weeks as we have to decide what to do.

Assuming in May that it's over, we'll turn in a non-renewal on our lease and go our separate ways as quickly/smoothly/cleanly as possible. Assuming this one last ditch effort changes his mind and gets him to figure out that this is what he wants (doubtful) my plan of action would still be for us to not live together and evaluate how it progresses/changes/improves/or doesn't over the next few weeks/months and decide from there without the pressure of shared living expenses/spaces/etc.

So in my head, I'm not sure I can say it's over yet, but I am feeling very certain and 100% confident in my choice to not live together after this lease until these issues are either fixed and we get on the same page, or not and we break up.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think that you're VERY smart to approach it this way. If he's resentful of taking care of himself to the point of being nasty about a lid at the same time that you're doing something for him that you absolutely are not responsible for, then the boy needs some serious alone time. It doesn't sound like he's going to magically grow up with you in the everyday living picture. He's just going to see it as your fault that he has take care of himself. It's unfortunate, but at least you're wise enough to have tackled the problem vs. just lingering and missing the opportunity to part ways with less resentment and sadness than if you waited til you were in your 30's, starting over and staring your bio clock in the face. As always, *big hugs*.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

tammy77|1297805175|2852611 said:
I think that you're VERY smart to approach it this way. If he's resentful of taking care of himself to the point of being nasty about a lid at the same time that you're doing something for him that you absolutely are not responsible for, then the boy needs some serious alone time. It doesn't sound like he's going to magically grow up with you in the everyday living picture. He's just going to see it as your fault that he has take care of himself. It's unfortunate, but at least you're wise enough to have tackled the problem vs. just lingering and missing the opportunity to part ways with less resentment and sadness than if you waited til you were in your 30's, starting over and staring your bio clock in the face. As always, *big hugs*.

Thanks tammy. I agree he needs time to live alone and see what it's really to honestly truly take care of yourself. He always says he doesn't have time to do this or that, but if I wasn't there to do it for him, I assure you he'd find time to buy deoderant and eat! I think we need to face the music, live apart and see if we still fit into each other's lives. This plan is sparked exactly by that: I don't want to realize I've had enough at 30-35, want to have children, and have no time to find someone, marry, and have any. If it's not going to work out, better to know now, regardless of how much it's going to hurt.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls|1297801056|2852559 said:
thing2of2|1297796924|2852500 said:
Wow to the dishes story. He's showing you his true colors and I'm glad you're not ignoring them.

I think it's time to stop packing his lunch if he's begrudging you a LID. Seriously, you deserve better. If I were you I'd start looking for an apartment ASAP and I'd start living as roommates. Roommates as in, no packing his lunches, buying his groceries or doing anything for him. Why should you? He does NOTHING for you.
I'm not ignoring anything. If anything, I'm taking the signs/flags in more now than ever. I'm still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's not looking good. Some issues with moving out now is $. Our lease isn't up until the end of June and I physically can not afford to pay for two apartments (one in full and one for my half) for more than 4 months. 2 months may be doable if I get a cheap enough place so that I can move out when we have to give notice. The other issues is that because I can't afford to move out right now, we only live in a one bedroom apartment so it's not like we can just take to being roommates and sleeping in separate bedrooms until our lease runs out. This is the FIRST apartment we've gotten together in over 4 years that didn't have 2 bedrooms. We kind of always though we should have the extra 'just in case' <---shouldn't that have been a flag in it of itself?

So at the moment I think my plan is to be as distant as he's been, keep to myself, take care of me, see if his attitude improves/changes at all and reevaluate in a few weeks. I'd like to have another discussion at the beginning of April (one month out from our deadline of giving notice) to determine if he has any further thoughts on the situation and feelings on money/children/etc. At that point to let him know that I'm having serious doubts and that I'm leaning towards wanting children and that I don't want to make any decisions just yet, but that I want him to know that and have that thought in his head over the next few weeks as we have to decide what to do.

Assuming in May that it's over, we'll turn in a non-renewal on our lease and go our separate ways as quickly/smoothly/cleanly as possible. Assuming this one last ditch effort changes his mind and gets him to figure out that this is what he wants (doubtful) my plan of action would still be for us to not live together and evaluate how it progresses/changes/improves/or doesn't over the next few weeks/months and decide from there without the pressure of shared living expenses/spaces/etc.

So in my head, I'm not sure I can say it's over yet, but I am feeling very certain and 100% confident in my choice to not live together after this lease until these issues are either fixed and we get on the same page, or not and we break up.

I know you're not ignoring anything-that's what I said above! (Bolded.) Your first couple lines sounded like you thought I said you were ignoring the signs, so I wanted to clarify.

I think your plan is solid and again, I'm very impressed with how you're handling this. Most people (myself included) wouldn't be nearly as level-headed. And GAH! about the one bedroom! Sigh. Hopefully June will be here before you know it. Please keep us posted!
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

thing2of2|1297807223|2852639 said:
advicepls|1297801056|2852559 said:
thing2of2|1297796924|2852500 said:
Wow to the dishes story. He's showing you his true colors and I'm glad you're not ignoring them.

I think it's time to stop packing his lunch if he's begrudging you a LID. Seriously, you deserve better. If I were you I'd start looking for an apartment ASAP and I'd start living as roommates. Roommates as in, no packing his lunches, buying his groceries or doing anything for him. Why should you? He does NOTHING for you.
I'm not ignoring anything. If anything, I'm taking the signs/flags in more now than ever. I'm still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's not looking good. Some issues with moving out now is $. Our lease isn't up until the end of June and I physically can not afford to pay for two apartments (one in full and one for my half) for more than 4 months. 2 months may be doable if I get a cheap enough place so that I can move out when we have to give notice. The other issues is that because I can't afford to move out right now, we only live in a one bedroom apartment so it's not like we can just take to being roommates and sleeping in separate bedrooms until our lease runs out. This is the FIRST apartment we've gotten together in over 4 years that didn't have 2 bedrooms. We kind of always though we should have the extra 'just in case' <---shouldn't that have been a flag in it of itself?

So at the moment I think my plan is to be as distant as he's been, keep to myself, take care of me, see if his attitude improves/changes at all and reevaluate in a few weeks. I'd like to have another discussion at the beginning of April (one month out from our deadline of giving notice) to determine if he has any further thoughts on the situation and feelings on money/children/etc. At that point to let him know that I'm having serious doubts and that I'm leaning towards wanting children and that I don't want to make any decisions just yet, but that I want him to know that and have that thought in his head over the next few weeks as we have to decide what to do.

Assuming in May that it's over, we'll turn in a non-renewal on our lease and go our separate ways as quickly/smoothly/cleanly as possible. Assuming this one last ditch effort changes his mind and gets him to figure out that this is what he wants (doubtful) my plan of action would still be for us to not live together and evaluate how it progresses/changes/improves/or doesn't over the next few weeks/months and decide from there without the pressure of shared living expenses/spaces/etc.

So in my head, I'm not sure I can say it's over yet, but I am feeling very certain and 100% confident in my choice to not live together after this lease until these issues are either fixed and we get on the same page, or not and we break up.

I know you're not ignoring anything-that's what I said above! (Bolded.) Your first couple lines sounded like you thought I said you were ignoring the signs, so I wanted to clarify.

I think your plan is solid and again, I'm very impressed with how you're handling this. Most people (myself included) wouldn't be nearly as level-headed. And GAH! about the one bedroom! Sigh. Hopefully June will be here before you know it. Please keep us posted!

Nah, just miscommunication through the internet, sounds like we both interpreted one another correctly and the other thought not :cheeky:

I'm certainly trying to be level-headed and reasonable. The one bedroom part really stinks, but that's why I'm thinking my approach will be easiest for us both. I also don't want to create an unnecessary rifts because even if we do breakup, I'd hope we can remain friends. I'm very close with a lot of his family and I would hate for it to turn into something akward or uncomfortable. In addition, the second pet I've discussed we acquired together. Technically she belongs to him, however, I feel certain he doesn't have the ability to care for her (time wise). I don't want to lose a chance at keeping her if he decides (for himself) that he doesn't have the time over me having been irrational, mean, etc.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You've already checked out of the relationship, you know.

I've been there before as well. I was with someone from 19 to 21. My first live in boyfriend. I ended things when I "had to move out to save money for school" (I was moving across the country for school) and moved back in with my parents. From there it was a "I don't want to do the LDR thing" and "we'll just see how it goes".

7 years later I'm married to an amazing man--someone I never would have met if it weren't for the mistake made then.

Look.

He treats you like crap. I am appalled at his treatment of you. He treats you like a personal slave--chef, dishwasher, personal shopper, pet sitter, maid, roommate, etc etc etc. You are NOT his girlfriend.

If you are wavering on having kids now, odds are you WILL want them in the future.

You already know things are not right. You've felt unsure for quite some time. You've said this yourself.

He's already out of the relationship. He doesn't give two hoots about you. That sucks to say. It does. But you deserve better. You deserve a man that treats you the way my husband treats me. I used to do the the dishes, the laundry, cook and clean. When I was NOT working and just going to school full time. At the same time he was a full time grad student working and completely supporting us financially.

Now? I work full time and I'm the breadwinner, although not by much. He is still a full time grad student, still working. Since he makes more than I do per hour, and therefore works far fewer hours, he has a lot more free time on his hands. So the roles have reversed. He cleans, does dishes and laundry. I still cook, but that's because it's easy for me and I'm the better cook (culinary school does that to you).

And you know what? He's GLAD TO DO IT. It lessened the burden on me and it improved my quality of life. Now instead of just doing chores when I get home from work, I get to spend that time with him and my dogs.

I want to punch your boyfriend in the face.

Relationships take teamwork. Your boyfriend is on a team with one player. And he's treating you like the opposing team.

Get out sooner rather than later. Your future self will thank you for it.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I dated a man for 3 years who was much older then me... we loved each other very much, but were not on the same page when it came to many of the issues you have brought up... we talked about marriage once and he was wanting to... but myself at the time was not ready for that level of commitment... mostly because I contributed more the relationship at the time and wanted to see him be less selfish. After moving across the country for this person and doing everything for HIM and not US when it finally got to him thinking about US I resented him so much that I could not get past it. We didn't see eye to eye on finances, household chores, marriage or children. I did ALL the house work, gardening, snow shoveling, repair work on the house, I even trained and looked after our dog, ... etc. We did have a house together so it was very difficult to leave, plus I only worked part time... I do look back even though it was a long time ago, I do still love him... but he was so self absorbed I finally realized I could not be with him...... I just pictured myself years down the road and pictrued having cildren with him, it left me with the image of him working all the time (he didn't really care about me pursuing what I wanted for an education... he just wanted me as a trophy wife... he was a plastic surgeon) and me being alone doing all the work....

I realized...I wanted a partner I didn't want to be doing everything by myself. That is not what life is.... if you are UNHAPPY get out... NOW! Marriage from what I have read in my textbooks at school, only magnifies things (postive or negative) Things in life are to be shared and enjoyed... its easier together. It was the best decision of my life to end that relationship, we had a big chat about my concerns before ending the relationship and he tried to change his self absorbed attitute... but it went right back.. and I am in no position to EVER force someone to change who doesn't want to do it themselves. So we broke up, quite mutual actually... that was over 4 years ago and we are on great terms.

I am currently taking a Family course in university and recently finished reading the chapters on marriage and children. You are correct in listing children as one of the number one reasons for divorce.. it has been studied that children (even when expected and wanted) have an overall affect from birth to when they leave the house to cause the overall happiness of a married couple to drop.. happiness level does go back when they leave the house, but the relationship happiness will never return to the same level as when you first get married. The more children a family has, less private time for the couple.. therefore less happiness because there is less time to focus on the relationship. I always wanted to have 2-3 children and so does my current boyfriend but now Im reconsidering my position after what I read... I was also upset to read that it is way more likely for the relationship to go downhill after the birth of a female baby.... especially if it is unplanned. Children are expensive.. it is estimated on average to raise one child in North America to 18 years of age a cost of $175,000. That doesn't even include post secondary education!

I could go on all day about topics like this....

It sounds like you need to sit him down and have a big chat about everything in your life... because this is not healthy for either of you. Good luck sweety.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

FrekeChild|1297924737|2853733 said:
You've already checked out of the relationship, you know.

I've been there before as well. I was with someone from 19 to 21. My first live in boyfriend. I ended things when I "had to move out to save money for school" (I was moving across the country for school) and moved back in with my parents. From there it was a "I don't want to do the LDR thing" and "we'll just see how it goes".

7 years later I'm married to an amazing man--someone I never would have met if it weren't for the mistake made then.

Look.

He treats you like crap. I am appalled at his treatment of you. He treats you like a personal slave--chef, dishwasher, personal shopper, pet sitter, maid, roommate, etc etc etc. You are NOT his girlfriend.

If you are wavering on having kids now, odds are you WILL want them in the future.

You already know things are not right. You've felt unsure for quite some time. You've said this yourself.

He's already out of the relationship. He doesn't give two hoots about you. That sucks to say. It does. But you deserve better. You deserve a man that treats you the way my husband treats me. I used to do the the dishes, the laundry, cook and clean. When I was NOT working and just going to school full time. At the same time he was a full time grad student working and completely supporting us financially.

Now? I work full time and I'm the breadwinner, although not by much. He is still a full time grad student, still working. Since he makes more than I do per hour, and therefore works far fewer hours, he has a lot more free time on his hands. So the roles have reversed. He cleans, does dishes and laundry. I still cook, but that's because it's easy for me and I'm the better cook (culinary school does that to you).

And you know what? He's GLAD TO DO IT. It lessened the burden on me and it improved my quality of life. Now instead of just doing chores when I get home from work, I get to spend that time with him and my dogs.

I want to punch your boyfriend in the face.

Relationships take teamwork. Your boyfriend is on a team with one player. And he's treating you like the opposing team.

Get out sooner rather than later. Your future self will thank you for it.
Thanks Freke. You're right, I feel like much of our relationship is very one-sided. I feel like I give give give, and that BF takes takes takes. When he does 'give' it's usually only when it's good/convienent for him. It really hurts to face this. I'm leaning more and more towards wanting one child. Not multiple (at least right now), but one. I've been feeling like I will regret not having children when I'm older. Like I can see myself with an adult child(ren) and that if I were with the right person, I could fully admit to myself that it is what I want.

Part of me wonders if it would be easier for both of us, our families, friends, etc. if I made this more about the kids issue than anything else. That is something we would just flat out disagree on, nothing to discuss, sad sad, cry cry, we have to move on. I think if I make it about all of these other issues in addition to the kids one (when honestly the kids one would 'take care of it'), I think it hurts our chances to remain cordial, friendly, etc. in the future. I'm typically in the camp of not burning bridges if I can help it and feel like while this is one of the issues and I think it's enough in terms of grounds for breaking up, I sort of feel like it's taking the easy way out I guess??

Something I didn't really see until a lot of these lovely PSers pointed out was that he may not actually see me as anything more than some form of help and not a girlfriend really at all. After everything I have done for him, us, and this relationship, that thought feels like a knife in my chest. I can't really think of any other reason he would be acting so resentful over things I'm genuinely concerned about though.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

sweetpepsigirl|1297937288|2853750 said:
I dated a man for 3 years who was much older then me... we loved each other very much, but were not on the same page when it came to many of the issues you have brought up... we talked about marriage once and he was wanting to... but myself at the time was not ready for that level of commitment... mostly because I contributed more the relationship at the time and wanted to see him be less selfish. After moving across the country for this person and doing everything for HIM and not US when it finally got to him thinking about US I resented him so much that I could not get past it. We didn't see eye to eye on finances, household chores, marriage or children. I did ALL the house work, gardening, snow shoveling, repair work on the house, I even trained and looked after our dog, ... etc. We did have a house together so it was very difficult to leave, plus I only worked part time... I do look back even though it was a long time ago, I do still love him... but he was so self absorbed I finally realized I could not be with him...... I just pictured myself years down the road and pictrued having cildren with him, it left me with the image of him working all the time (he didn't really care about me pursuing what I wanted for an education... he just wanted me as a trophy wife... he was a plastic surgeon) and me being alone doing all the work....

I realized...I wanted a partner I didn't want to be doing everything by myself. That is not what life is.... if you are UNHAPPY get out... NOW! Marriage from what I have read in my textbooks at school, only magnifies things (postive or negative) Things in life are to be shared and enjoyed... its easier together. It was the best decision of my life to end that relationship, we had a big chat about my concerns before ending the relationship and he tried to change his self absorbed attitute... but it went right back.. and I am in no position to EVER force someone to change who doesn't want to do it themselves. So we broke up, quite mutual actually... that was over 4 years ago and we are on great terms.

This is definitely true. Marriage absolutely magnifies problems and doesn't solve them. I've seen many times coworkers and older friends of mine having children in order to 'save their marriage' among other things and it just leads to divorce. I know divorce is a reality. I also know that I personally will only be able to enter a marriage where I feel like I am part of a united front, a united team that is 100% in it together. Sure, something could still happen, that's life. But without having the strong confidence of being good together, I don't feel like marriage is beneficial. And marriage is something that I want, something that I want even more than the fleeting though of children. I think I could very easily live my life happily free of children if I had a fantastic happy, strong, united marriage. One where my said husband didn't work 150 hours a week and made an effort to do things with me.

I am currently taking a Family course in university and recently finished reading the chapters on marriage and children. You are correct in listing children as one of the number one reasons for divorce.. it has been studied that children (even when expected and wanted) have an overall affect from birth to when they leave the house to cause the overall happiness of a married couple to drop.. happiness level does go back when they leave the house, but the relationship happiness will never return to the same level as when you first get married. The more children a family has, less private time for the couple.. therefore less happiness because there is less time to focus on the relationship. I always wanted to have 2-3 children and so does my current boyfriend but now Im reconsidering my position after what I read... I was also upset to read that it is way more likely for the relationship to go downhill after the birth of a female baby.... especially if it is unplanned. Children are expensive.. it is estimated on average to raise one child in North America to 18 years of age a cost of $175,000. That doesn't even include post secondary education!

I could go on all day about topics like this....

It sounds like you need to sit him down and have a big chat about everything in your life... because this is not healthy for either of you. Good luck sweety.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So...I started a preliminary search for apartments last night. I hope I can have the confidence that's in my head when it's time to talk to BF. I still haven't determined what I'm going to talk to him about, but I have decided that it's in both of our best interests to, at the bare minimum, live separately for at least the next year if we do stay together. I talked about it with my sister last night and she said that she thought I'd thought it through and that it sounded like I'd already made up my mind. That's when I realized that I suppose I had. A close friend of mine and I (we've also discussed this) were at Target the other day and we passed a beautiful bedroom comforter that was feminine, gorgeous, and SO my style. I haven't had anything like that in years because he doesn't like it and we've always gone with his decor choices. I swear I almost bought it. Decorating ideas for my own apartment started sprouting in my head from that comforter. My friend said that comforter lit up my eyes and she hasn't seen me so happy in awhile. That was the other part, it made me sure that living apart was something that I needed for myself even it wasn't going to be beneficial to him in the long run.

He wants to be independent when it's good for him, and not when it's not. I hate to say that he's immature because in many aspects, he isn't. But I don't think he's had the chance to grow as an individual and really do some of the things that he needs/wants to do for himself without having to answer to anyone. I also shouldn't expect him to do anything different, we are just 24 and it boils down to him not being ready. I'm okay with him not being ready. What I'm not okay with is living like we're married for all of the bad parts, and living like were completely independent for what should be good/happy parts. If he wants/needs the freedom at this point to live his life wihtout having to answer to anyone, than living apart will give him that freedom without the misery I feel of being torn between these two stages of life. Emotionally, I'm ready to be that committed to someone, he isn't even close.

This could destroy us. This could make us stronger. Either way, it's what I need for *me*, and I think it's about time I spend a little time doing what's best for me. I deserve to be a little bit selfish right now.
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls|1297969084|2854048 said:
This could destroy us. This could make us stronger. Either way, it's what I need for *me*, and I think it's about time I spend a little time doing what's best for me. I deserve to be a little bit selfish right now.

I've been lurking on this topic for a while. The truth is I didn't post earlier because I've been through this song and dance before with close friends - they were in relationships like yours and would come to me to vent about it, but in the end wouldn't have the courage to just leave. It cost me many friendships because I just couldn't support their decision to stay when they were so unhappy. Posts like yours usually frustrate me because I know that despite the advice of many, the poster usually just stays anyway.

The reason I am choosing to post now is because it seems like you have decided to take the first step toward making your life better, whether that is a break up, or a catalyst that will make him change.

I used to be you. I was in a relationship with a guy that took advantage of all I did for him for almost four years. I paid for his food, much like you. I bought him countless gifts and trips. I cooked for him. I did his laundry. I tolerated his laziness thinking that what I gave him was a measure of my love for him. In truth, everything I gave him was actually a measure of how much I didn't love myself. It took a long time to realize that. A LONG time. Now I am no longer with that person that made me feel so horrible at the end of the day. Now I am married to a wonderful man who has always paid more than his share, who has always done his own chores, and has always been kind and supportive of me without ever having to be asked.

One thing that I'm not sure has been mentioned (I didn't read every response) was the importance of finding out why you are doing the things you are. There must be some reason that you have allowed yourself to pay for him for so long and do so much for him without reciprocation. There must be some deep, underlying cause that led you to accept his treatment of you as alright. In my case, with my ex, my reason was that I had low self-esteem and poor body image (mostly because of what he would say to me!), which is why I continued to stay with him. I encourage you to seek counseling (many schools offer counseling free of charge). Counseling doesn't mean you are broken or crazy. Counseling is simply a way of helping you discover things about yourself more easily. The sooner you understand why you have let this happen, the sooner you can prevent it from ever happening again, whether it is with your current guy, or with other men in the future.

Good luck to you!
 
Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

sonnyjane|1297972429|2854101 said:
advicepls|1297969084|2854048 said:
This could destroy us. This could make us stronger. Either way, it's what I need for *me*, and I think it's about time I spend a little time doing what's best for me. I deserve to be a little bit selfish right now.

I've been lurking on this topic for a while. The truth is I didn't post earlier because I've been through this song and dance before with close friends - they were in relationships like yours and would come to me to vent about it, but in the end wouldn't have the courage to just leave. It cost me many friendships because I just couldn't support their decision to stay when they were so unhappy. Posts like yours usually frustrate me because I know that despite the advice of many, the poster usually just stays anyway.

The reason I am choosing to post now is because it seems like you have decided to take the first step toward making your life better, whether that is a break up, or a catalyst that will make him change.

I used to be you. I was in a relationship with a guy that took advantage of all I did for him for almost four years. I paid for his food, much like you. I bought him countless gifts and trips. I cooked for him. I did his laundry. I tolerated his laziness thinking that what I gave him was a measure of my love for him. In truth, everything I gave him was actually a measure of how much I didn't love myself. It took a long time to realize that. A LONG time. Now I am no longer with that person that made me feel so horrible at the end of the day. Now I am married to a wonderful man who has always paid more than his share, who has always done his own chores, and has always been kind and supportive of me without ever having to be asked.

One thing that I'm not sure has been mentioned (I didn't read every response) was the importance of finding out why you are doing the things you are. There must be some reason that you have allowed yourself to pay for him for so long and do so much for him without reciprocation. There must be some deep, underlying cause that led you to accept his treatment of you as alright. In my case, with my ex, my reason was that I had low self-esteem and poor body image (mostly because of what he would say to me!), which is why I continued to stay with him. I encourage you to seek counseling (many schools offer counseling free of charge). Counseling doesn't mean you are broken or crazy. Counseling is simply a way of helping you discover things about yourself more easily. The sooner you understand why you have let this happen, the sooner you can prevent it from ever happening again, whether it is with your current guy, or with other men in the future.

Good luck to you!
Thanks for the advice. I am definitely not one of those girls. I am genuinely interested in everyone's opinions and have truly appreciated the outpouring of support I have received from my fellow PSers. I know that even though taking a step back and living apart is going to be hard, it's going to hurt, and that it could be the first step to the betterment or destruction of our relationship, I also know that all the soul searching I've done and the advice I've received makes me feel confident that this is the only choice. We will end up breaking up if we don't take a step back and figure things out now. And it won't be a cordial things just aren't working out breakup, it will be a nasty fighting to the end breakup. This is a necessary step. Definitely for the better no matter where the cards may fall.
 
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