Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[kagordo4]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I don't understand... Why are you sitting at home complaining. Go stay the night at a girlfriend's. Hell, stay the week at your friend's.

Stop. Just seriously STOP doing everything for him. I mean you've been told this how many times in this thread yet you continue on. Why are you still doing his laundry, packing his lunches, buying his food? I don't get it.

I'm not trying to be mean but I really don't understand.

Edited: I missed Tammy's and decoded's posts, big ditto.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You know ... I'm starting to think you like this. In a masochistic kind of way. You're enjoying the drama of telling these stories about how HORRIBLE he is to you and what a responsible, hard-working MARTYR you are despite everything.

Really? Really he didn't walk the dog and went straight to bed? What in the world would make you think he wouldn't since he never does and you always put up with it.

I hope I'm wrong. Get. A. Grip. Girl. He doesn't love you. Love is action. His only actions are ones that benefit his one true love: himself.

Predictions:

NEXT UPDATE: He's still a *dick*! Listen to the new evidence! I have taken detailed notes smeared w/my tears.

UPDATE #110: Yup ... dickier than ever! But still I stay! Can you believe that?

UPDATE #1,000,000: He is Soooooooo bad! Let me count the ways! And yes, I'm suffering through this BS? Crazy right?!

Rinse repeat.


ETA: Oh, and BTW -- he doesn't EVEN LOVE THE DOG. If he did: he'd care if the dog was walked.

You've got me wrong. Believe me, this is anything other than enjoyable for me. I hate drama, I hate that I am in this situation, I hate that I've let it go on like this for so long and I was just looking to vent. I am in no way trying to make him out to be this horrible person and make myself out to be some martyr.

You are right in that his actions say that I am nothing more to him than a roommate or acquaintance at best. On his own accord, no I didn't expect he ever would. After our initial talk, he made a lot of big promises and I'm at least trying to give him the opporutnity to act on a few of them (like walking the dog and taking out the trash). He's (quite obviously) not doing any of the things he's promised to do and we're only a few weeks from the itinal talk.

You're also right that there could be more updates about my frustrations with how things are right now. PS is one of my outlets, if it frustrates you to read, you certainly don't have to contribute. I appreciate your bluntness, tough love, etc. Don't think I'm not hearing it, because I am, loud and clear.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So walk the dog. It's not the dog's fault that he's a selfish pr!ck. Make your lunch. Do your dishes. Go to work. Make plans to do something for YOURSELF tomorrow after work so you aren't stuck at home seething. Wash YOUR laundry. Do this until you move out. He will never change for you and as Decoded (albeit a little roughly) said - he does NOT love you, love is action.

At this point, I'm afraid that you're just doing these things so you don't feel badly about ditching the loser once you can get out. Honey, save yourself some time. NOBODY is going to fault you and once you've put this behind you, you won't fault yourself. Trust us.

ETA: Eat out of the house as much as possible until further notice. Do NOT stock the fridge. Do NOT pack lunches. Do NOT make breakfast on weekends . Take a walk to the store and buy some fresh fruit, yogurt, whatever and sit on a bench and eat. Schedule as many evenings away as possible - schedule dinner at friends' homes where you can cook together so it doesn't cost anymore than if you were cooking at home. Hey, make extra so you have leftovers for lunch the next day for yourself!

Yes, I am saying to go out of your way not for 24 hours, but for the duration of your stay. He will throw a fit, he will apologize to get back to status quo, then as soon as you resume your motherly duties for him, he'll go right back to being himself.

I'm doing these things because I don't know what else to do *right now*. All I want is to try and keep some peace in our messed up household until our lease end date gets close enough for me to afford to pay for two places. It's not like we can have all out war right now. We live in a small one bedroom apartment, not like I can just ignore him and sleep in the guest room, we don't have one. I am not doing this to make myself feel better. If anything, it makes me feel worse. We don't see each other often right now anyway (despite living together) because our schedules don't align. The three nights a week I have class after work, he doesn't, the two nights a week I have off, he doesn't. It's mostly sleeping and on the weekends (which most of which, he's busy for) and I'm working on finding something better to do on the weekends than sit around at home being bitter. I was thinking about going to see my sisters this weekend and spend the weekend away (probably take the dog with me). I've read every last post of this entire thread fully and carefully. I've taken ever last word (harsh or not) to heart. I hear you, what I have is no partnership, what I have is not a healthy relationship, what I have isn't really worth saving without a ton of change on his part that he's too immature and selfish to do. I hear you, I get it. In a few months time, it'll be done, but in the meantime, I'm just trying to get by.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I don't understand... Why are you sitting at home complaining. Go stay the night at a girlfriend's. Hell, stay the week at your friend's.

Stop. Just seriously STOP doing everything for him. I mean you've been told this how many times in this thread yet you continue on. Why are you still doing his laundry, packing his lunches, buying his food? I don't get it.

I'm not trying to be mean but I really don't understand.

Edited: I missed Tammy's and decoded's posts, big ditto.

See response to Tammy, I'm just trying to keep the peace until Doomsday. I am spending as much time away from home as I can, but in the meantime, I don't know what else to do right now.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR? Really? But yet up until a couple of weeks ago you were thinking of MARRYING HIM?

Is it "keeping the peace" that is so important here? Or keeping your SANITY. Your DIGNITY. Your SELF RESPECT. Are you planning this whole thing (leaving) as a surprise? And hoping he has a total shock of reality when you leave about what you were doing vs. what he was doing & how unable to fend for himself he really is? Because - um - that's kind of MEAN.

As I said before ... I do hope I'm wrong about all of this. I'm only participating because I'm enraged FOR you, not just BY you.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR? Really? But yet up until a couple of weeks ago you were thinking of MARRYING HIM?

Is it "keeping the peace" that is so important here? Or keeping your SANITY. Your DIGNITY. Your SELF RESPECT. Are you planning this whole thing (leaving) as a surprise? And hoping he has a total shock of reality when you leave about what you were doing vs. what he was doing & how unable to fend for himself he really is? Because - um - that's kind of MEAN.

As I said before ... I do hope I'm wrong about all of this. I'm only participating because I'm enraged FOR you, not just BY you.

Maybe not full on war but there will definitley be trouble. He has quite a temper and I can just see the whole thing blowing up. He won't leave, period. He won't go stay with friends, or family. He'll stay. He'll stay if it's for no reason more than to try and make me more uncomfortable than him so that things go back to his form of normal and reasonable (me doing everything). He loathes change to the point where he'll stay where he isn't happy just so that things don't have to change. No, I don't plan on leaving as a suprrise. I planned on talking with him again in a few weeks about the (lack of) progress that's been made since our initial talk and to tell him that I want to live seperately next year and all the reasons why. That conversation is going to be uncomfortable enough. The thing is, he is not incapable, he is not unable to fend for himself, he simply chooses not to knowing that I will take care of everything. I'm sick of being taken advantage of and I'm sick of being taken for granted.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR? Really? But yet up until a couple of weeks ago you were thinking of MARRYING HIM?

Is it "keeping the peace" that is so important here? Or keeping your SANITY. Your DIGNITY. Your SELF RESPECT. Are you planning this whole thing (leaving) as a surprise? And hoping he has a total shock of reality when you leave about what you were doing vs. what he was doing & how unable to fend for himself he really is? Because - um - that's kind of MEAN.

As I said before ... I do hope I'm wrong about all of this. I'm only participating because I'm enraged FOR you, not just BY you.

I'm quoting this because Deco said something that is key - set boundaries. Boundaries are not things you do to be mean, they are things you do to keep yourself sane. Do not do his laundry. He can do his own $#@( laundry. Do not cook his meals. Do not give in to the guilt trips - he's got you trained! If he grumbles enough, you get out of bed and make him food. If he leaves it long enough, you do his laundry. If he complains enough, you buy him food. Keep walking the dog, keep doing things for you, but stop letting him get his way! He doesn't give two sh*ts about whether you're happy, so why are you doing anything to keep him happy? You say it's to keep the peace, but it's leaving YOU anything but peaceful. He's getting every. single. thing. he wants and you're giving up precious pieces of your sanity to keep the peace which is really only keeping him happy and wasting energy on a relationship that has already gone down the drain. You are actively letting him take advantage of you at this point.

Set boundaries. Insist that they be respected.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR? Really? But yet up until a couple of weeks ago you were thinking of MARRYING HIM?

Is it "keeping the peace" that is so important here? Or keeping your SANITY. Your DIGNITY. Your SELF RESPECT. Are you planning this whole thing (leaving) as a surprise? And hoping he has a total shock of reality when you leave about what you were doing vs. what he was doing & how unable to fend for himself he really is? Because - um - that's kind of MEAN.

As I said before ... I do hope I'm wrong about all of this. I'm only participating because I'm enraged FOR you, not just BY you.

I'm quoting this because Deco said something that is key - set boundaries. Boundaries are not things you do to be mean, they are things you do to keep yourself sane. Do not do his laundry. He can do his own $#@( laundry. Do not cook his meals. Do not give in to the guilt trips - he's got you trained! If he grumbles enough, you get out of bed and make him food. If he leaves it long enough, you do his laundry. If he complains enough, you buy him food. Keep walking the dog, keep doing things for you, but stop letting him get his way! He doesn't give two sh*ts about whether you're happy, so why are you doing anything to keep him happy? You say it's to keep the peace, but it's leaving YOU anything but peaceful. He's getting every. single. thing. he wants and you're giving up precious pieces of your sanity to keep the peace which is really only keeping him happy and wasting energy on a relationship that has already gone down the drain. You are actively letting him take advantage of you at this point.

Set boundaries. Insist that they be respected.

You're right, you're both right. It drives me nuts when he won't do something himself but it drives me equally as nuts to let something just sit there undone. Either takes a dig at my sanity, at least not doing his things will make a point.

You and your ex lived together before your breakup, how did the dissolution of your household go down? Did you have lease end conflicts, his stuff vs. your stuff, vs.'our' stuff? How did things get divided up, how did you (each) handle separating?

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR?

Maybe not full on war but there will definitley be trouble. He has quite a temper and I can just see the whole thing blowing up. He won't leave, period. He won't go stay with friends, or family. He'll stay. He'll stay if it's for no reason more than to try and make me more uncomfortable than him so that things go back to his form of normal and reasonable (me doing everything). He loathes change to the point where he'll stay where he isn't happy just so that things don't have to change.

THIS IS ABUSIVE. You are currently BEING ABUSED. Not just "taken advantage of" .... ACTIVELY ABUSED. Think about it. Are you going to subject yourself to further abuse for convenience sake? You are not a victim. You are, at this point. a VOLUNTEER.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR? Really? But yet up until a couple of weeks ago you were thinking of MARRYING HIM?

Is it "keeping the peace" that is so important here? Or keeping your SANITY. Your DIGNITY. Your SELF RESPECT. Are you planning this whole thing (leaving) as a surprise? And hoping he has a total shock of reality when you leave about what you were doing vs. what he was doing & how unable to fend for himself he really is? Because - um - that's kind of MEAN.

As I said before ... I do hope I'm wrong about all of this. I'm only participating because I'm enraged FOR you, not just BY you.

I'm quoting this because Deco said something that is key - set boundaries. Boundaries are not things you do to be mean, they are things you do to keep yourself sane. Do not do his laundry. He can do his own $#@( laundry. Do not cook his meals. Do not give in to the guilt trips - he's got you trained! If he grumbles enough, you get out of bed and make him food. If he leaves it long enough, you do his laundry. If he complains enough, you buy him food. Keep walking the dog, keep doing things for you, but stop letting him get his way! He doesn't give two sh*ts about whether you're happy, so why are you doing anything to keep him happy? You say it's to keep the peace, but it's leaving YOU anything but peaceful. He's getting every. single. thing. he wants and you're giving up precious pieces of your sanity to keep the peace which is really only keeping him happy and wasting energy on a relationship that has already gone down the drain. You are actively letting him take advantage of you at this point.

Set boundaries. Insist that they be respected.

You're right, you're both right. It drives me nuts when he won't do something himself but it drives me equally as nuts to let something just sit there undone. Either takes a dig at my sanity, at least not doing his things will make a point.

You and your ex lived together before your breakup, how did the dissolution of your household go down? Did you have lease end conflicts, his stuff vs. your stuff, vs.'our' stuff? How did things get divided up, how did you (each) handle separating?

We were in a bit of an odd situation, since we were living at a house my parents owned (but did not live in), so there was no lease. The night we broke up, he moved to the couch, and the next day started calling around to friends to see who had a couch he could sleep on/room he could rent for a little while until he got things figured out. We had a joint bank account that we left open until we transferred all of the bills, and then divided based on how much we contributed (we both put in a percentage of our income, but what I contributed was about twice what he did, so I took 2/3 of the money when we closed out the account). We had been living together for less than a year, so most of our stuff had been purchased separately. The only joint purchases were our Blu-Ray player (which he took since the TV was his) and our dining room chairs (which he left for me, since the dining room table was mine). Once he had a place to live (it took about a week), he moved his stuff out while I was at work. It was awkward while we were still living together, but we got through it. There were some boundary issues (no, you can NOT come brush your teeth when I'm in the shower!), but I'm *very* big on having boundaries and making sure they're respected (all of my friends and family will tell you that - if you overstep, I am very quick to point it out and re-establish boundaries), and I spent a lot of time avoiding the house on nights when he wasn't working so cut down on the time we'd have to spend around each other. All in all the separation process took about two months, trying to find time to go to the bank and close out the account together, getting bills changed, canceling our gym membership, etc. But we were never ones to really lose our tempers with one another (and boy do I have a temper), so there were no screaming fights, big blow outs, etc. We handled the break up like we handled our fights - calmly, fairly rationally, and respectfully.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

BF just left to go flying. He made no mention of it to me until he was walking out the door. Mind you, I never asked him to give it up, that's something he volunteered to do on his own in order to save money, etc. So much for that.

WHAT??? You would have thought he would have explained himself. Sounds like your words went in one ear and out the other...
I just dont get it? Well, I have to say that act should make you feel a little bit stronger. Doesnt look like he's really going to
make any changes.

The only thing he was was defensive of his choice. Only going for an hour, just enough to stay current, blah blah blah. I never asked him to give it up. The only things that really pissed me off were that a) he didn't mention it until he was walking out the door (intentionally), b) he was the one who said he was going to give it up to save money, I NEVER asked him to do anything that drastic, and c) he was accusing me of being mad about him going. He put all kinds of words into my mouth about hating that he flies and all kinds of other BS that never came out of my mouth. He just got home and was all happy, excited whatever and came in saying he had so much fun and blah blah blah and that "oh nevermind, I really want to tell you about it, but you'll just get mad. I'm going to bed." He didn't offer to do anything that needs to be done before bed either, dishes from earlier, take out the trash, walk the dog, pack lunches...nope, all me, again.

Don't pack his lunch!!!!!!

I understand that leaving dishes and trash around affects your quality of life, so you do it. I would do the same because it would bug me to have it sitting around where I live. The lunch doesn't affect you in any way!!! Stop shopping for him, cooking for him, making his lunch. Do these things for yourself and just leave his. If he starts acting like a partner, then consider maybe doing it (if he does loads of other work), but don't do it now!

If his laundry is all over and bothering you, shove it in a garbage bag or bin and let it pile up out of sight. Stop doing everything for him.

Cut the apron strings, you are not his mother. Doing things for yourself and leaving his stuff does not affect your quality of life (other than having an annoyed boyfriend, but he honestly already sounds fairly petulant and childish).

There is no excuse you can come up with that will justify making his lunch for him. So stop doing it! You are allowing yourself to be treated this way.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR? Really? But yet up until a couple of weeks ago you were thinking of MARRYING HIM?

Is it "keeping the peace" that is so important here? Or keeping your SANITY. Your DIGNITY. Your SELF RESPECT. Are you planning this whole thing (leaving) as a surprise? And hoping he has a total shock of reality when you leave about what you were doing vs. what he was doing & how unable to fend for himself he really is? Because - um - that's kind of MEAN.

As I said before ... I do hope I'm wrong about all of this. I'm only participating because I'm enraged FOR you, not just BY you.

I'm quoting this because Deco said something that is key - set boundaries. Boundaries are not things you do to be mean, they are things you do to keep yourself sane. Do not do his laundry. He can do his own $#@( laundry. Do not cook his meals. Do not give in to the guilt trips - he's got you trained! If he grumbles enough, you get out of bed and make him food. If he leaves it long enough, you do his laundry. If he complains enough, you buy him food. Keep walking the dog, keep doing things for you, but stop letting him get his way! He doesn't give two sh*ts about whether you're happy, so why are you doing anything to keep him happy? You say it's to keep the peace, but it's leaving YOU anything but peaceful. He's getting every. single. thing. he wants and you're giving up precious pieces of your sanity to keep the peace which is really only keeping him happy and wasting energy on a relationship that has already gone down the drain. You are actively letting him take advantage of you at this point.

Set boundaries. Insist that they be respected.

You're right, you're both right. It drives me nuts when he won't do something himself but it drives me equally as nuts to let something just sit there undone. Either takes a dig at my sanity, at least not doing his things will make a point.

You and your ex lived together before your breakup, how did the dissolution of your household go down? Did you have lease end conflicts, his stuff vs. your stuff, vs.'our' stuff? How did things get divided up, how did you (each) handle separating?

We were in a bit of an odd situation, since we were living at a house my parents owned (but did not live in), so there was no lease. The night we broke up, he moved to the couch, and the next day started calling around to friends to see who had a couch he could sleep on/room he could rent for a little while until he got things figured out. We had a joint bank account that we left open until we transferred all of the bills, and then divided based on how much we contributed (we both put in a percentage of our income, but what I contributed was about twice what he did, so I took 2/3 of the money when we closed out the account). We had been living together for less than a year, so most of our stuff had been purchased separately. The only joint purchases were our Blu-Ray player (which he took since the TV was his) and our dining room chairs (which he left for me, since the dining room table was mine). Once he had a place to live (it took about a week), he moved his stuff out while I was at work. It was awkward while we were still living together, but we got through it. There were some boundary issues (no, you can NOT come brush your teeth when I'm in the shower!), but I'm *very* big on having boundaries and making sure they're respected (all of my friends and family will tell you that - if you overstep, I am very quick to point it out and re-establish boundaries), and I spent a lot of time avoiding the house on nights when he wasn't working so cut down on the time we'd have to spend around each other. All in all the separation process took about two months, trying to find time to go to the bank and close out the account together, getting bills changed, canceling our gym membership, etc. But we were never ones to really lose our tempers with one another (and boy do I have a temper), so there were no screaming fights, big blow outs, etc. We handled the break up like we handled our fights - calmly, fairly rationally, and respectfully.

I don't see ours going so smoothly...

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR?

Maybe not full on war but there will definitley be trouble. He has quite a temper and I can just see the whole thing blowing up. He won't leave, period. He won't go stay with friends, or family. He'll stay. He'll stay if it's for no reason more than to try and make me more uncomfortable than him so that things go back to his form of normal and reasonable (me doing everything). He loathes change to the point where he'll stay where he isn't happy just so that things don't have to change.

THIS IS ABUSIVE. You are currently BEING ABUSED. Not just "taken advantage of" .... ACTIVELY ABUSED. Think about it. Are you going to subject yourself to further abuse for convenience sake? You are not a victim. You are, at this point. a VOLUNTEER.

Ok, that probably sounded worse written than intended. I mostly meant that he is an extreme creature of comfort. Obviously you can only see what I've written here and have no other insight to the relationship, but I assure you I am not being abused physically or otherwise. I am definitely being taken advantage of and being taken for granted, maybe even used, but not abused.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

BF just left to go flying. He made no mention of it to me until he was walking out the door. Mind you, I never asked him to give it up, that's something he volunteered to do on his own in order to save money, etc. So much for that.

WHAT??? You would have thought he would have explained himself. Sounds like your words went in one ear and out the other...
I just dont get it? Well, I have to say that act should make you feel a little bit stronger. Doesnt look like he's really going to
make any changes.

The only thing he was was defensive of his choice. Only going for an hour, just enough to stay current, blah blah blah. I never asked him to give it up. The only things that really pissed me off were that a) he didn't mention it until he was walking out the door (intentionally), b) he was the one who said he was going to give it up to save money, I NEVER asked him to do anything that drastic, and c) he was accusing me of being mad about him going. He put all kinds of words into my mouth about hating that he flies and all kinds of other BS that never came out of my mouth. He just got home and was all happy, excited whatever and came in saying he had so much fun and blah blah blah and that "oh nevermind, I really want to tell you about it, but you'll just get mad. I'm going to bed." He didn't offer to do anything that needs to be done before bed either, dishes from earlier, take out the trash, walk the dog, pack lunches...nope, all me, again.

Don't pack his lunch!!!!!!

I understand that leaving dishes and trash around affects your quality of life, so you do it. I would do the same because it would bug me to have it sitting around where I live. The lunch doesn't affect you in any way!!! Stop shopping for him, cooking for him, making his lunch. Do these things for yourself and just leave his. If he starts acting like a partner, then consider maybe doing it (if he does loads of other work), but don't do it now!

If his laundry is all over and bothering you, shove it in a garbage bag or bin and let it pile up out of sight. Stop doing everything for him.

Cut the apron strings, you are not his mother. Doing things for yourself and leaving his stuff does not affect your quality of life (other than having an annoyed boyfriend, but he honestly already sounds fairly petulant and childish).

There is no excuse you can come up with that will justify making his lunch for him. So stop doing it! You are allowing yourself to be treated this way.

This will likely have to be the start of it. I just can't see myself living with trash and dirty dishes all over the place just because he won't pick it up. I can not buy his food, not prepare food, not leave the house stocked, not pack food, not do his laundry, and you're right, it will lead to an annoyed BF but he IS already being petulant and childish.

The other part of me feels like this is playing games though and I'm not normaly into playing games. I almost feel it would be more appropriate to just state directly to him that he doesn't respect me, his actions show it, and that I will no longer be doing things for him. If he wants his independence some of the time, he can have it all the time. It's kind of time to step up, or step down. He can no longer have his cake and eat too at the expense of me. He is very direct and I feel that telling him directly that this is how it's going to be will get through more than just leaving his stuff lying around, this is the rational said of me. The angry side wants to yell BRING IT ON and leave him to find for himself if he thinks it's so easy and no big deal.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I don't see ours going so smoothly...

Yeah, we were always just kind of calm, so the break up going the way it did wasn't surprising. I realize we're kind of weird in Major Breakup Land, though.

Honetly, do what you need to for yourself and your sanity. He's clearly prioritizing his happiness, so put your happiness first.

Just saw your new post - do it. Be direct. "You are not respecting me or my needs, and you're not behaving like a partner. I want you to know that I will no longer be doing things for you. You are an adult and capable of cleaning your own dishes and laundry, and making your own food. I will only buy groceries for myself, and only prepare food for myself. If you eat any of my food, I will expect payment for it."

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

If you are walking on eggshells around people because you are fearful of what they will do or say to make you uncomfortable: THAT IS ABUSE. You can pretty it up however you want ... but I don't think you yet understand how emotional abuse works. It can be very, very subtle pressure for you to measure up, keep up appearances etc ... so subtle you don't even understand how POWERFUL the messages are until you consider DISOBEYING.

And I don't think ANYONE here is encouraging you to "play games". You stated that you don't want to announce your intentions to stop doing all of those things because you don't want a BIG CONFRONTATION. We're trying to keep your PREFERENCES in mind when making SUGGESTIONS. I don't care if you announce it or not. He's not "announcing" to you in advance that he's going to be a total self-involved slothy slacker narcissist. He just *does it*. Is that "playing games"? Or what about when he SAYS he's going to do things to help and then *doesn't* ... is THAT "playing games"? You are holding yourself to some kind of crazy standards that you are not holding him to and he's not holding himself to. Do whatever you need to do to maintain your remaining sense of self-respect and if you think you need to "take the high road" and announce your intentions etc then BY ALL MEANS DO SO. But you'd better FOLLOW THROUGH or he's just going to think you're the same pushover he knows & uses.

You are seeking to avoid discomfort. Well ...time to toughen up kiddo ... because breaking up involves a lot of discomfort. Being a grown up involves a lot of discomfort. There is no IDEAL way to do this. But you will get through it. And you'll be happy you are finally rid of this imbecile for good.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

BF just left to go flying. He made no mention of it to me until he was walking out the door. Mind you, I never asked him to give it up, that's something he volunteered to do on his own in order to save money, etc. So much for that.

WHAT??? You would have thought he would have explained himself. Sounds like your words went in one ear and out the other...
I just dont get it? Well, I have to say that act should make you feel a little bit stronger. Doesnt look like he's really going to
make any changes.

The only thing he was was defensive of his choice. Only going for an hour, just enough to stay current, blah blah blah. I never asked him to give it up. The only things that really pissed me off were that a) he didn't mention it until he was walking out the door (intentionally), b) he was the one who said he was going to give it up to save money, I NEVER asked him to do anything that drastic, and c) he was accusing me of being mad about him going. He put all kinds of words into my mouth about hating that he flies and all kinds of other BS that never came out of my mouth. He just got home and was all happy, excited whatever and came in saying he had so much fun and blah blah blah and that "oh nevermind, I really want to tell you about it, but you'll just get mad. I'm going to bed." He didn't offer to do anything that needs to be done before bed either, dishes from earlier, take out the trash, walk the dog, pack lunches...nope, all me, again.

Don't pack his lunch!!!!!!

I understand that leaving dishes and trash around affects your quality of life, so you do it. I would do the same because it would bug me to have it sitting around where I live. The lunch doesn't affect you in any way!!! Stop shopping for him, cooking for him, making his lunch. Do these things for yourself and just leave his. If he starts acting like a partner, then consider maybe doing it (if he does loads of other work), but don't do it now!

If his laundry is all over and bothering you, shove it in a garbage bag or bin and let it pile up out of sight. Stop doing everything for him.

Cut the apron strings, you are not his mother. Doing things for yourself and leaving his stuff does not affect your quality of life (other than having an annoyed boyfriend, but he honestly already sounds fairly petulant and childish).

There is no excuse you can come up with that will justify making his lunch for him. So stop doing it! You are allowing yourself to be treated this way.

This will likely have to be the start of it. I just can't see myself living with trash and dirty dishes all over the place just because he won't pick it up. I can not buy his food, not prepare food, not leave the house stocked, not pack food, not do his laundry, and you're right, it will lead to an annoyed BF but he IS already being petulant and childish.

The other part of me feels like this is playing games though and I'm not normaly into playing games. I almost feel it would be more appropriate to just state directly to him that he doesn't respect me, his actions show it, and that I will no longer be doing things for him. If he wants his independence some of the time, he can have it all the time. It's kind of time to step up, or step down. He can no longer have his cake and eat too at the expense of me. He is very direct and I feel that telling him directly that this is how it's going to be will get through more than just leaving his stuff lying around, this is the rational said of me. The angry side wants to yell BRING IT ON and leave him to find for himself if he thinks it's so easy and no big deal.

I agree that stopping everything without saying something might be perceived as game playing. Maybe as part of your next talk just tell him that you don't see him helping out, that you need the support, and that you can't continue doing everything. Flat out tell him that he hasn't been stepping up and that you are going to stop making his lunch etc.

The bottom line is that you're doing way too much and he's not respecting you for it. It needs to stop sooner rather than later. If you can't come to an agreement while you're living together, how do you plan on doing it while you're living apart? What makes you think that you won't live apart for a year, have a wonderful magical time, only to have everything backslide once you move in together again?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR?

Maybe not full on war but there will definitley be trouble. He has quite a temper and I can just see the whole thing blowing up. He won't leave, period. He won't go stay with friends, or family. He'll stay. He'll stay if it's for no reason more than to try and make me more uncomfortable than him so that things go back to his form of normal and reasonable (me doing everything). He loathes change to the point where he'll stay where he isn't happy just so that things don't have to change.

THIS IS ABUSIVE. You are currently BEING ABUSED. Not just "taken advantage of" .... ACTIVELY ABUSED. Think about it. Are you going to subject yourself to further abuse for convenience sake? You are not a victim. You are, at this point. a VOLUNTEER.

Ok, that probably sounded worse written than intended. I mostly meant that he is an extreme creature of comfort. Obviously you can only see what I've written here and have no other insight to the relationship, but I assure you I am not being abused physically or otherwise. I am definitely being taken advantage of and being taken for granted, maybe even used, but not abused.

My face looked something like this --> when I read the lines that Deco highlighted above.

I realize you are backtracking a little bit by saying it's not THAT bad, but seriously? I'm struggling with it. If you're afraid that setting reasonable boundaries is going to make him so upset that he's going to essentially punish you for it? He'll refuse to leave, add to the tension, make you uncomfortable?

Have you reconsidered the move date because I can't imagine doing this for another three months...

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Have you looked into what the penalty would be to break your lease? Is there any way to work with your landlord and only have to pay for the time the apartment is unoccupied? That way you could have this conversation earlier and start moving forward instead of trying to live in an increasingly uncomfortable situation.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Have you looked into what the penalty would be to break your lease? Is there any way to work with your landlord and only have to pay for the time the apartment is unoccupied? That way you could have this conversation earlier and start moving forward instead of trying to live in an increasingly uncomfortable situation.

Good point. In my area it is illegal for a landlord to continue charging you once the apartment is rented to somebody else. So if you are in a sought after building you might only have to worry about one extra month of rent.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I don't see ours going so smoothly...

Yeah, we were always just kind of calm, so the break up going the way it did wasn't surprising. I realize we're kind of weird in Major Breakup Land, though.

Honetly, do what you need to for yourself and your sanity. He's clearly prioritizing his happiness, so put your happiness first.

Just saw your new post - do it. Be direct. "You are not respecting me or my needs, and you're not behaving like a partner. I want you to know that I will no longer be doing things for you. You are an adult and capable of cleaning your own dishes and laundry, and making your own food. I will only buy groceries for myself, and only prepare food for myself. If you eat any of my food, I will expect payment for it."

Scary, but needs to be done.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

If you are walking on eggshells around people because you are fearful of what they will do or say to make you uncomfortable: THAT IS ABUSE. You can pretty it up however you want ... but I don't think you yet understand how emotional abuse works. It can be very, very subtle pressure for you to measure up, keep up appearances etc ... so subtle you don't even understand how POWERFUL the messages are until you consider DISOBEYING.

And I don't think ANYONE here is encouraging you to "play games". You stated that you don't want to announce your intentions to stop doing all of those things because you don't want a BIG CONFRONTATION. We're trying to keep your PREFERENCES in mind when making SUGGESTIONS. I don't care if you announce it or not. He's not "announcing" to you in advance that he's going to be a total self-involved slothy slacker narcissist. He just *does it*. Is that "playing games"? Or what about when he SAYS he's going to do things to help and then *doesn't* ... is THAT "playing games"? You are holding yourself to some kind of crazy standards that you are not holding him to and he's not holding himself to. Do whatever you need to do to maintain your remaining sense of self-respect and if you think you need to "take the high road" and announce your intentions etc then BY ALL MEANS DO SO. But you'd better FOLLOW THROUGH or he's just going to think you're the same pushover he knows & uses.

You are seeking to avoid discomfort. Well ...time to toughen up kiddo ... because breaking up involves a lot of discomfort. Being a grown up involves a lot of discomfort. There is no IDEAL way to do this. But you will get through it. And you'll be happy you are finally rid of this imbecile for good.

I don't want a big confrontation, but I don't really see any way around it at this point. He doesn't get it (or doesn't care) and has been ignoring the whole thing since I brought it up a few weeks ago. He is playing games, I don't want to, but I also need to, like you said, follow through with my words and do what I say I'm going to do. I am seeking to avoid discomfort, but this is going to be uncomfortable either way.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Look, if you took some of this advice ... (do you, stop being his mom, stay away, stop shopping, stop cleaning etc) it might make HIM so uncomfortable HE'd go stay at a friends or w/family. Do you really think if you just set reasonable normal boundaries that it would result in FULL ON WAR?

Maybe not full on war but there will definitley be trouble. He has quite a temper and I can just see the whole thing blowing up. He won't leave, period. He won't go stay with friends, or family. He'll stay. He'll stay if it's for no reason more than to try and make me more uncomfortable than him so that things go back to his form of normal and reasonable (me doing everything). He loathes change to the point where he'll stay where he isn't happy just so that things don't have to change.

THIS IS ABUSIVE. You are currently BEING ABUSED. Not just "taken advantage of" .... ACTIVELY ABUSED. Think about it. Are you going to subject yourself to further abuse for convenience sake? You are not a victim. You are, at this point. a VOLUNTEER.

Ok, that probably sounded worse written than intended. I mostly meant that he is an extreme creature of comfort. Obviously you can only see what I've written here and have no other insight to the relationship, but I assure you I am not being abused physically or otherwise. I am definitely being taken advantage of and being taken for granted, maybe even used, but not abused.

My face looked something like this --> when I read the lines that Deco highlighted above.

I realize you are backtracking a little bit by saying it's not THAT bad, but seriously? I'm struggling with it. If you're afraid that setting reasonable boundaries is going to make him so upset that he's going to essentially punish you for it? He'll refuse to leave, add to the tension, make you uncomfortable?

Have you reconsidered the move date because I can't imagine doing this for another three months...

He wouldn't punish me for anything, it's not like that. I just see him doing a lot of (what deco previously called) backpedaling and make promises he can't/won't keep in order to try and restore the (lack of ) peace.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

BF just left to go flying. He made no mention of it to me until he was walking out the door. Mind you, I never asked him to give it up, that's something he volunteered to do on his own in order to save money, etc. So much for that.

WHAT??? You would have thought he would have explained himself. Sounds like your words went in one ear and out the other...
I just dont get it? Well, I have to say that act should make you feel a little bit stronger. Doesnt look like he's really going to
make any changes.

The only thing he was was defensive of his choice. Only going for an hour, just enough to stay current, blah blah blah. I never asked him to give it up. The only things that really pissed me off were that a) he didn't mention it until he was walking out the door (intentionally), b) he was the one who said he was going to give it up to save money, I NEVER asked him to do anything that drastic, and c) he was accusing me of being mad about him going. He put all kinds of words into my mouth about hating that he flies and all kinds of other BS that never came out of my mouth. He just got home and was all happy, excited whatever and came in saying he had so much fun and blah blah blah and that "oh nevermind, I really want to tell you about it, but you'll just get mad. I'm going to bed." He didn't offer to do anything that needs to be done before bed either, dishes from earlier, take out the trash, walk the dog, pack lunches...nope, all me, again.

Don't pack his lunch!!!!!!

I understand that leaving dishes and trash around affects your quality of life, so you do it. I would do the same because it would bug me to have it sitting around where I live. The lunch doesn't affect you in any way!!! Stop shopping for him, cooking for him, making his lunch. Do these things for yourself and just leave his. If he starts acting like a partner, then consider maybe doing it (if he does loads of other work), but don't do it now!

If his laundry is all over and bothering you, shove it in a garbage bag or bin and let it pile up out of sight. Stop doing everything for him.

Cut the apron strings, you are not his mother. Doing things for yourself and leaving his stuff does not affect your quality of life (other than having an annoyed boyfriend, but he honestly already sounds fairly petulant and childish).

There is no excuse you can come up with that will justify making his lunch for him. So stop doing it! You are allowing yourself to be treated this way.

This will likely have to be the start of it. I just can't see myself living with trash and dirty dishes all over the place just because he won't pick it up. I can not buy his food, not prepare food, not leave the house stocked, not pack food, not do his laundry, and you're right, it will lead to an annoyed BF but he IS already being petulant and childish.

The other part of me feels like this is playing games though and I'm not normaly into playing games. I almost feel it would be more appropriate to just state directly to him that he doesn't respect me, his actions show it, and that I will no longer be doing things for him. If he wants his independence some of the time, he can have it all the time. It's kind of time to step up, or step down. He can no longer have his cake and eat too at the expense of me. He is very direct and I feel that telling him directly that this is how it's going to be will get through more than just leaving his stuff lying around, this is the rational said of me. The angry side wants to yell BRING IT ON and leave him to find for himself if he thinks it's so easy and no big deal.

I agree that stopping everything without saying something might be perceived as game playing. Maybe as part of your next talk just tell him that you don't see him helping out, that you need the support, and that you can't continue doing everything. Flat out tell him that he hasn't been stepping up and that you are going to stop making his lunch etc.

The bottom line is that you're doing way too much and he's not respecting you for it. It needs to stop sooner rather than later. If you can't come to an agreement while you're living together, how do you plan on doing it while you're living apart? What makes you think that you won't live apart for a year, have a wonderful magical time, only to have everything backslide once you move in together again?

True, this is one of the things that a PP brought up that I've been mulling over. Using living apart as a step towards fixing some issues is hard to think about in terms of what measurable goals we can have in order to actually measure improvement. I'm afraid that moving back into together after a year or two that things will end up as they are now.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Have you looked into what the penalty would be to break your lease? Is there any way to work with your landlord and only have to pay for the time the apartment is unoccupied? That way you could have this conversation earlier and start moving forward instead of trying to live in an increasingly uncomfortable situation.

We'd looked into this previously when we were looking at a different place to live prior to our lease being up last year. We moved in at a 'special rate' where 2 months free was prorated over the year to give us a discounted rent. In order to break the lease, we have to give 60 days notice, the 60 days rent will be at market rent + 250/month (increasing our rent by a little over 500/month) and we owe back rent up to market rate for the months we've lived here (250/month x it would be at 10 months by the end of the 60 days notice). It would end up costing more to break the lease than to finish it.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Have you looked into what the penalty would be to break your lease? Is there any way to work with your landlord and only have to pay for the time the apartment is unoccupied? That way you could have this conversation earlier and start moving forward instead of trying to live in an increasingly uncomfortable situation.

Good point. In my area it is illegal for a landlord to continue charging you once the apartment is rented to somebody else. So if you are in a sought after building you might only have to worry about one extra month of rent.

They also charge us until it's re-rented. We are in a unit that our complex only has 4 of so it's likely it would be rented quickly, but with still having to give 2 months notice and all the back rent, it'll cost more than it would to just finish the lease.

We have 4 months to go on the lease (roughly 4200 in rent) vs. (2500 in back rent + 2600 in increased rent for the 60 days + potentially having to pay an additional up to 2 months when our lease was over if it's not rented 2600) total between 5600-7700. Our complex will also hold an apartment for someone up to 60 days before their lease starts so if we get into that scenario, it'll be 7700 vs 4200 and having the same timeframe anyway.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

When my ex and I broke up, we had just signed a lease. As in we were two months into a 12 month lease. Neither of us could afford it on our own. We broke up on good terms, so we decided to live together as roommates (it was a 2 bedroom). We made the rule that neither of us could bring someone we were dating over. Luckily, the condo was put up for sale about 4 months after we broke up, and the owner ended up giving us a month's free rent to break our lease.

Looking back, I was an idiot. I was absolutely unable to move on while under the delusion that we were friends. "Friends" basically meant I constantly wanted to get back with him, while continuing to do all of the "wifey" stuff for him. Cooking, cleaning, etc. It was completely unhealthy. Once we moved out, to our own places, it took me about 5 minutes to be over him. He couldn't understand why I know longer wanted to be friends. He still doesn't understand that, actually.

If I could redo the situation, I would have moved out. Even if that meant paying my 1/2 of the rent and sleeping on someone's couch, or renting a cheap room from someone.

You have obviously reached the point where you know you are moving out when your lease is up. The situation is going to get more and more uncomfortable and stressful. Trust me.

Do you have any friends you can stay with? Couch surf? Short term rental? Anything? If it's too expensive to break your lease, don't break your lease. But find another option. Even if it means you are subsidizing his living alone in your apartment, it's worth it.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

When my ex and I broke up, we had just signed a lease. As in we were two months into a 12 month lease. Neither of us could afford it on our own. We broke up on good terms, so we decided to live together as roommates (it was a 2 bedroom). We made the rule that neither of us could bring someone we were dating over. Luckily, the condo was put up for sale about 4 months after we broke up, and the owner ended up giving us a month's free rent to break our lease.

Looking back, I was an idiot. I was absolutely unable to move on while under the delusion that we were friends. "Friends" basically meant I constantly wanted to get back with him, while continuing to do all of the "wifey" stuff for him. Cooking, cleaning, etc. It was completely unhealthy. Once we moved out, to our own places, it took me about 5 minutes to be over him. He couldn't understand why I know longer wanted to be friends. He still doesn't understand that, actually.

If I could redo the situation, I would have moved out. Even if that meant paying my 1/2 of the rent and sleeping on someone's couch, or renting a cheap room from someone.

You have obviously reached the point where you know you are moving out when your lease is up. The situation is going to get more and more uncomfortable and stressful. Trust me.

Do you have any friends you can stay with? Couch surf? Short term rental? Anything? If it's too expensive to break your lease, don't break your lease. But find another option. Even if it means you are subsidizing his living alone in your apartment, it's worth it.

Had you guys lived together prior to this lease or was this your first time living together? How did you go about dividing the household at move out? As friends/roommates, what expecatations were there between you until the lease ended (if any) other than no bringing over people you're dating? There are probably a few places I could go, but 4 months seems like I long time to impose on these people seeing as how I can't afford to contribute to their household when I'd still have to be paying for one I'm not living in. I still think he has no idea that our relationship is so bad that I want to move out. I really think he has no solid idea that this is even happening.

 

[briolette]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls, I think it might be time for you to take a breather from this thread.

And I don't mean this in any harsh way. I've gone through a divorce before and I know hard hard it is to break off of a long relationship, but it is time for you take care of yourself and part of that involves giving yourself the space and peace to make this decision on your own terms

I know PS is great place to vent and get advice, and there have been a lot of wise words passed and insights posted on here, but at this point a lot of it is repeat and I fear some might be jumbling how you feel. Ultimately you know most what is going on. You're the one who is living out the situation. And at this point, I don't think any more input is going to help.

I know in some ways this is a frightening and emotionally taxing task you have at hand to call things off, move out and change your lifestyle. There are financial implication,etc. ... I get the sense that in some ways you feel like you need validation and to explain your choices. No one has a right to judge you either way. We can give advice but that's only based on 1) What you tell us and 2) How we interpret what you say. And by then it's somewhat removed from what you are really feeling and experiencing (not to say that any of this advice is bad, but just hammering in the fact that this is your decision. )

Hang in there.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Had you guys lived together prior to this lease or was this your first time living together? How did you go about dividing the household at move out? As friends/roommates, what expecatations were there between you until the lease ended (if any) other than no bringing over people you're dating? There are probably a few places I could go, but 4 months seems like I long time to impose on these people seeing as how I can't afford to contribute to their household when I'd still have to be paying for one I'm not living in. I still think he has no idea that our relationship is so bad that I want to move out. I really think he has no solid idea that this is even happening.

Yes, we had lived together prior to this lease. About a year and a half or so. We had moved to a different state after he had gotten out of the military. We lived with a relative while getting settled, and then signed this lease.

Dividing the household- Most of the big furniture was his, most of the decorative stuff was mine. There were a few things we fought over, but in the end I just didn't care.

We didn't really have any clear cut expectations. When we broke up, we both agreed that breaking up is bad enough, no reason to lose your best friend as well. We still hung out and did things together. Our reason for breaking up wasn't because we didn't like each other or anything like that, we just wanted different things (me- to get married; him- to be a man-whore...I mean, to not be in a serious relationship). It was really, really hard for me, because he hit it with me out of the blue. Not so hard for him, since he had known he was going to do it.

Where was I? Oh yeah, expectations. Really, we just maintained the status quo. Every once in a while I would grow a pair and tell him not to eat something I had bought or whatever, and he would throw a fit. "Um, sorry, I'm not your girlfriend."

You are in a tough spot. I can't remember, is your place 2 bedrooms? If it is, I honestly think I would tell him ASAP what your intentions are. 1) As much of a whiny db as he's being, he still deserves to know what's going on. 2) It will be a huge stress relief to you. If there's another bedroom, move into it. Be his GF, but his GF who doesn't live with him. Don't buy his groceries or clean up after him. Hang out with friends, join a club, take a class, whatever. Be busy. Otherwise the next 4 months will be torture.