Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[deorwine]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi AP, I don't check this forum very often but I hope you don't mind my chiming in at this late date!

I think someone earlier in the thread (am too lazy to go back and check) suggested the two of you sitting down and writing down everything that you both contribute to the household and how much time it takes. When you do that it should be pretty obvious if one person is pulling a lot more weight than the other.

If he doesn't want to sit down with you to do that together (and this should be something you do together, not one person going "Look, see, I made this list and you aren't doing your share!")... well, then that tells you something about his commitment to improving the relationship. Although I suppose it's getting more and more obvious anyway.

I'd also like to add that there ARE guys out there who aren't like that. I probably do more around the house than my husband right now because I work less (because of our one-year-old) and therefore have more time to devote to it, but he did more when we both worked the same amount. And he is grateful for everything I do. And, for that matter, I am grateful for everything he does (especially since he tends to do a lot of the "heavy" cleaning because I am a bit of a slob that way).

(Also, in response to a much earlier point you made, if you do end up breaking up I don't think it's at all necessary for you to tell people you broke up because of kids, especially since that's really not the real reason, and while of course you don't want to badmouth your boyfriend why make it sound like it's less his fault than it is? Just say things didn't work out between you and leave it at that. It's none of their business anyway )

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi AP, I don't check this forum very often but I hope you don't mind my chiming in at this late date!

I think someone earlier in the thread (am too lazy to go back and check) suggested the two of you sitting down and writing down everything that you both contribute to the household and how much time it takes. When you do that it should be pretty obvious if one person is pulling a lot more weight than the other.

If he doesn't want to sit down with you to do that together (and this should be something you do together, not one person going "Look, see, I made this list and you aren't doing your share!")... well, then that tells you something about his commitment to improving the relationship. Although I suppose it's getting more and more obvious anyway.

I'd also like to add that there ARE guys out there who aren't like that. I probably do more around the house than my husband right now because I work less (because of our one-year-old) and therefore have more time to devote to it, but he did more when we both worked the same amount. And he is grateful for everything I do. And, for that matter, I am grateful for everything he does (especially since he tends to do a lot of the "heavy" cleaning because I am a bit of a slob that way).

(Also, in response to a much earlier point you made, if you do end up breaking up I don't think it's at all necessary for you to tell people you broke up because of kids, especially since that's really not the real reason, and while of course you don't want to badmouth your boyfriend why make it sound like it's less his fault than it is? Just say things didn't work out between you and leave it at that. It's none of their business anyway )

I didn't even have to push to the point of saying anything like this and let's make a list...as described above he already said he feels he contributes more than half and doesn't see what the problem is. Even just talking to him isn't working or getitng his attention. In the screaming fest I asked him to tell me what he contributes to this relationship other than 1/2 the shared bills (which I ALSO contribute). He couldn't come up with a damn thing and started backpedalling to make it sound like I was the one who didn't do enough. And deco's right, he's not inclined to do anymore because he already feels he does too much and is happy with the way things are. He doens't want it to change. He's a selfish prick who doesn't deserve my time. I've started formulating my plan to leave and am biding my time for now.

 

[anchor31]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP - I'm very sorry this is happening to you. You must be very angry and frustrated. I'm glad you didn't ignore the signs though, and that you are taking steps to leave. Nobody deserves to be treated like a slave. Kudos, and best wishes for the future!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP - I'm very sorry this is happening to you. You must be very angry and frustrated. I'm glad you didn't ignore the signs though, and that you are taking steps to leave. Nobody deserves to be treated like a slave. Kudos, and best wishes for the future!

I am angry and frustrated, but more than anything sad and hurt. Thanks.

 

[Allison D.]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just read through all 9 pages of this thread, and maybe I'm just really missing the point, but........

AP, why are you making this so hard? What I mean by that is this: I cannot understand why you're pouring so much energy into trying to be heard, be appreciated, be whatever when you still have a HUGE dealbreaker on the horizon?

You're saying you want this to be easy and not tension filled, right? So instead of arguing over who does what, who contributes more, blah blah blah, why wouldn't you just say:

"Hey, I've been thinking a lot about our talk and your very firm position on kids, and you've asked me to let you know when I know. I've been thinking about that for weeks now, and I really do think I'm leaning toward wanting them. I can't be sure, though, because when I feel like I may not want kids, I don't feel confident that it's because *I* don't want kids instead of because I know already that *you* don't want them. I think the only way I'm truly going to be able to identify MY own feelings is spend a bit of time on my own so I can figure out what I truly want."

That's IT. All the rest of it.......the lack of equitable division of housework, the money issues, his ridiculous "I'm only doing exactly what I think MY half is"..........none of this MATTERS. There's just no point dumping all this energy and frustration into trying to fix things that aren't the dealbreaker anyway and are moot points. It's like arguing about what branches need to be pruned on the tree that's smack in the middle of a forest fire! If the tree is burned down, the branches don't matter.[/b]

He's already told you to let him know if you think you want kids. If you do, he's already said he'd choose to leave the relationship. Drama/trauma OVER. Instead of it being you ending it, you're both choosing to stop. Then it's 'hey, not my fault and not yours, we just want different things and let's just live as friends to the end of our lease. I'll take care of my stuff, you take care of yours, and we can begin preparing to find other housing."

It just completely doesn't make sense to me to fight about how to agree on division of labor when you won't live in the same spot anyway if you want (or MAY want) kids and he doesn't. All that's doing is potentially fixing him for the NEXT girlfriend....at YOUR expense, sweat and aggravation. Why?

ETA: condensed to not repeat.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It's like arguing about what branches need to be pruned on the tree that's smack in the middle of a forest fire! If the tree is burned down, the branches don't matter.

I think the OP has decided that she is, in fact, leaving, she is just waiting for their lease to be up since breaking their particular lease has some hefty financial penalties. I just wanted to say that I liked this analogy and might steal it someday

 

[Allison D.]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It's like arguing about what branches need to be pruned on the tree that's smack in the middle of a forest fire! If the tree is burned down, the branches don't matter.

I think the OP has decided that she is, in fact, leaving, she is just waiting for their lease to be up since breaking their particular lease has some hefty financial penalties. I just wanted to say that I liked this analogy and might steal it someday

SJ, I'm not talking about whether or not she's leaving the apartment. I read that she's decided to go (and in fact has been internally decided on that for some time).

She's *also* said these things: she still thinks the relationship might be fixable. She still thinks that leaving will help them determine if they can get back together or not. Thinking that his behavior may improve once he has a chance to miss her. Those things aren't fixable unless he wants to, and despite myriad instances that look like he doesn't want to, she's still hoping he'll decide he does.

My post above wasn't about whether or not she's decided to physically move out. It's about about trying to FIX misdemeanor elements of the relationship (tidiness, appreciation, courtesy, fairly shared responsibilities, consensus on financial decisions) when the felony dealerbreaker (he doesn't want kids) is completely UNFIXABLE. He never wants kids, and she's leaning toward wanting them. Until she figures that out, it's totally pointless to waste a single syllable of breath on all the other issues.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Allison,
You're TOTALLY correct here. I think that she's missing the forest for the trees because the trees are all up in her face right now (dirty dishes, unwalked dog, dude going flying still etc) ... and the forest is FAR away (and she's not 100% sure about the baby issue HERSELF yet). I also think that, due to the enormous anger/frustration she's rightfully feeling right now that she's secretly/unconsciously relishing the idea of PUNISHING HIM for his BAD BEHAVIOR by leaving. Its no fun to leave someone for something they can't help ... like not wanting children.

 

[supergirl10]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

A year and a half ago I could have written your entire post, word for word. The only difference was that we were engaged and four months off getting married.

I made the horendous decision to end things before we were leagally entangled also. And you know what, every single day I am glad because like you, I was always putting someone else first when I wasn't recieving the same courteousy.

No words of advice, other than I understand how you are feeling and I am thinking of you in making this very difficult decison. Keep us updated

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Allison,
You're TOTALLY correct here. I think that she's missing the forest for the trees because the trees are all up in her face right now (dirty dishes, unwalked dog, dude going flying still etc) ... and the forest is FAR away (and she's not 100% sure about the baby issue HERSELF yet). I also think that, due to the enormous anger/frustration she's rightfully feeling right now that she's secretly/unconsciously relishing the idea of PUNISHING HIM for his BAD BEHAVIOR by leaving. Its no fun to leave someone for something they can't help ... like not wanting children.

I agree with Allison and Deco and all the other old married birds on here

Hon, you need to move on and I really suggest being single for a period of a few years. One year at least. You have had two serious live in relationships and this one started at 18... that means you have not been single as an adult. You listed a whole bunch of predictors of divorce up front, but would you like the know the most important one? Age of marriage, and I would wager age when the relationship started. Yes yes, lots of young women are extremely mature etc etc etc. But the fact is, if you don't know who *you* are and what *you* need and want in life, you cannot negotiate a good marriage. And you really can't pick a good partner either. So I suggest taking a break and learning a little more about yourself so you don't end up in the same situation in another five years.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just read through all 9 pages of this thread, and maybe I'm just really missing the point, but........

AP, why are you making this so hard? What I mean by that is this: I cannot understand why you're pouring so much energy into trying to be heard, be appreciated, be whatever when you still have a HUGE dealbreaker on the horizon?

You're saying you want this to be easy and not tension filled, right? So instead of arguing over who does what, who contributes more, blah blah blah, why wouldn't you just say:

"Hey, I've been thinking a lot about our talk and your very firm position on kids, and you've asked me to let you know when I know. I've been thinking about that for weeks now, and I really do think I'm leaning toward wanting them. I can't be sure, though, because when I feel like I may not want kids, I don't feel confident that it's because *I* don't want kids instead of because I know already that *you* don't want them. I think the only way I'm truly going to be able to identify MY own feelings is spend a bit of time on my own so I can figure out what I truly want."

That's IT. All the rest of it.......the lack of equitable division of housework, the money issues, his ridiculous "I'm only doing exactly what I think MY half is"..........none of this MATTERS. There's just no point dumping all this energy and frustration into trying to fix things that aren't the dealbreaker anyway and are moot points. It's like arguing about what branches need to be pruned on the tree that's smack in the middle of a forest fire! If the tree is burned down, the branches don't matter.[/b]

He's already told you to let him know if you think you want kids. If you do, he's already said he'd choose to leave the relationship. Drama/trauma OVER. Instead of it being you ending it, you're both choosing to stop. Then it's 'hey, not my fault and not yours, we just want different things and let's just live as friends to the end of our lease. I'll take care of my stuff, you take care of yours, and we can begin preparing to find other housing."

It just completely doesn't make sense to me to fight about how to agree on division of labor when you won't live in the same spot anyway if you want (or MAY want) kids and he doesn't. All that's doing is potentially fixing him for the NEXT girlfriend....at YOUR expense, sweat and aggravation. Why?

ETA: condensed to not repeat.

You're absolutely right. A few pages back (I think) I had asked if this would be better/easier. The consensus I felt I got is that it was a cop out and not the right way to go. I still think it may be the best play I have. I don't want any more drama or trauma than necessary, but you're right. Nothing else really matters. I think part of me was clinging to all the other problems trying to give myself a reason for hating him since it would make it easier to leave. But it boils down to not mattering. I still don't honestly know how I feel about having children. I feel sometimes when around coworkers kids or my neice that I can't wait to have one, and then I pass screaming horrible children in restaurants or in public and think good God, why does anyone want one!? I have such mixed feelings right now that I am honestly confused. Someone pointed out, and I think it was a good point, that I may be projecting his already known feelings onto myself, in that, I know he doesn't want them so I'm trying to convince myself that I don't want them because it's the only way to fix this. Then I focus on all the other things wrong with my relationship trying to say it's not worth saving. It's all very confusing and really hurts. As much as I love him, I feel like staying with him may deny me something in my future that I may end up wanting very despeartely, maybe not, but I don't know that it's worth gambling since there are many other problems with our relationship. I was talking with my sister last night discussing this very thing. Up until last night I was thinking a good stepping stone or start would be living apart and seeing where it goes. But as katamari (I think) mentioned before, if we don't have measurable goals during this period, what will it serve? I've been really trying to decide what living apart could/would do for us and I'm having a hard time coming up with anything other than it would really show me how much effort he's willing to put in since we wouldn't naturally just see each other every day. It's so confusing. Yesterday he was back to being "normal", lovey sweet whatever. He went flying on Saturday and then yesterday was complaining about not having enough moeny to pay his tuition bill that's due this week, car insurance coming up (he paid half and the other half is coming up due soon), one of the pet's medicine for the year (his turn to buy), etc. It just infuriates me that he spends money on recreation without thinking about what else he has to pay for.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

A year and a half ago I could have written your entire post, word for word. The only difference was that we were engaged and four months off getting married.

I made the horendous decision to end things before we were leagally entangled also. And you know what, every single day I am glad because like you, I was always putting someone else first when I wasn't recieving the same courteousy.

No words of advice, other than I understand how you are feeling and I am thinking of you in making this very difficult decison. Keep us updated

Thank you.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It's like arguing about what branches need to be pruned on the tree that's smack in the middle of a forest fire! If the tree is burned down, the branches don't matter.

I think the OP has decided that she is, in fact, leaving, she is just waiting for their lease to be up since breaking their particular lease has some hefty financial penalties. I just wanted to say that I liked this analogy and might steal it someday

Yes, I have to move out at the very least. The last few days I've been thinking it may be easier just to cut it off and move on.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Allison,
You're TOTALLY correct here. I think that she's missing the forest for the trees because the trees are all up in her face right now (dirty dishes, unwalked dog, dude going flying still etc) ... and the forest is FAR away (and she's not 100% sure about the baby issue HERSELF yet). I also think that, due to the enormous anger/frustration she's rightfully feeling right now that she's secretly/unconsciously relishing the idea of PUNISHING HIM for his BAD BEHAVIOR by leaving. Its no fun to leave someone for something they can't help ... like not wanting children.

You are mostly correct. I'm not missing the forest, but I have been choosing to ignore it for awhile. Trying to make the trees more of a problem than the really are in order to justify my feelings. I don't want to punish him, but you're right, it's hard to leave someone when they haven't necessarily done anything wrong. His way isn't wrong, it's just not the way I do things. He's a good man, but I don't think he's a good man for me.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Allison,
You're TOTALLY correct here. I think that she's missing the forest for the trees because the trees are all up in her face right now (dirty dishes, unwalked dog, dude going flying still etc) ... and the forest is FAR away (and she's not 100% sure about the baby issue HERSELF yet). I also think that, due to the enormous anger/frustration she's rightfully feeling right now that she's secretly/unconsciously relishing the idea of PUNISHING HIM for his BAD BEHAVIOR by leaving. Its no fun to leave someone for something they can't help ... like not wanting children.

I agree with Allison and Deco and all the other old married birds on here

Hon, you need to move on and I really suggest being single for a period of a few years. One year at least. You have had two serious live in relationships and this one started at 18... that means you have not been single as an adult. You listed a whole bunch of predictors of divorce up front, but would you like the know the most important one? Age of marriage, and I would wager age when the relationship started. Yes yes, lots of young women are extremely mature etc etc etc. But the fact is, if you don't know who *you* are and what *you* need and want in life, you cannot negotiate a good marriage. And you really can't pick a good partner either. So I suggest taking a break and learning a little more about yourself so you don't end up in the same situation in another five years.

Thanks DD, Allison, and Deco. It's nice getting the viewpoint of someone who's been there, done that, and is happily married. I do think I need to be in singledom for awhile. Since (maybe) wanting kids is in my future, I don't know that I want to be intentionally single for longer than a year or so, but I DEFINITELY will not live with another man until all of these issues have been thoroughly discussed and rehashed several times over with engagement on the horizon within the year. As in, living together is a step towards engagement and marriage, not just another step. I do see lot of focusing on me over the next several months. My sister said it well (she's had some horrid breakups in the last few years). She told me that this is going to hurt, probably more than anything else I've ever experienced. That I'm going to cry, probably a lot. I'm going to feel helpless, alone, sad, frustrated, upset, and down. But she told me to take all those feelings and channel them into something positive, improving myself. Take out the frustation at the gym, not on cookies, and spend the next several months to a year focusing on *me*. That way, when I am ready to get back out there I will be in the best shape of my life, strong, confident, and ready to find what I am looking for. (she's currently on the prowl ). It just really hurts, I don't want to hurt him, but staying in an unfulfilling relationship is unhealthy and eventually will make us both very unhappy. And yes, I haven't been single more than 6 months in nearly the last decade (about 9 years) and I'm only 24. My first serious boyfriend I dated from 15-18 and lived with him for two years. I met current BF 3 months after that breakup and we started dating 2 months later (5 month lapse from breakup) and have been together 5 1/2 years living together since 7 months in. So not only in committed relationships since 15, in mostly live-in relationships since then. I don't know that I even know how to be single.

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls-it doesn't sound to me like your boyfriend is a good man. He's a spoiled brat who wants you to wait on him hand and food AND pay his bills, too. And when you don't, he SULKS and won't tell you he loves you. Seriously? I don't think he's necessarily a bad person, but good man? Eh, not so much. More like an incredibly selfish guy who has a lot of growing up to do. I know you have a good head on your shoulders, but it seems like you have some skewed views of what a good man is. I agree with dreamer-you should stay single for quite a while and figure out why you're willing to settle for a less than equal partnership.

And please please please do not use the fact that you *might* wants kids as a reason to jump into yet another relationship in a year. You're 24-there is NO RUSH. You have ELEVEN YEARS before you hit the magical 35 mark when you become "advanced maternal age," and even then many many women have no problems getting knocked up with a healthy baby. So why would you want to rush into your next relationship when you're not even sure you want kids?!

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I feel sometimes when around coworkers kids or my neice that I can't wait to have one, and then I pass screaming horrible children in restaurants or in public and think good God, why does anyone want one!?

Nobody likes screaming kids. I think the feelings you get around your niece are a better indication of your desire to have kids than how you feel around misbehaving children.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls-it doesn't sound to me like your boyfriend is a good man. He's a spoiled brat who wants you to wait on him hand and foot AND pay his bills, too. And when you don't, he SULKS and won't tell you he loves you. Seriously? I don't think he's necessarily a bad person, but good man? Eh, not so much. More like an incredibly selfish guy who has a lot of growing up to do. I know you have a good head on your shoulders, but it seems like you have some skewed views of what a good man is. I agree with dreamer-you should stay single for quite a while and figure out why you're willing to settle for a less than equal partnership.

And please please please do not use the fact that you *might* wants kids as a reason to jump into yet another relationship in a year. You're 24-there is NO RUSH. You have ELEVEN YEARS before you hit the magical 35 mark when you become "advanced maternal age," and even then many many women have no problems getting knocked up with a healthy baby. So why would you want to rush into your next relationship when you're not even sure you want kids?!

Maybe that's what I should have said, he isn't a bad person. He is selfish, self-absorbed, 24 year old boy who wants what he wants right now and despite what he says, isn't a relationship (at least not a seriously live-in committed one). I'll try and focus on this, 11 years is a long time, I'd prefer to not be of advanced maternal age as you say, but life doesn't always deal us the cards we want.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I feel sometimes when around coworkers kids or my neice that I can't wait to have one, and then I pass screaming horrible children in restaurants or in public and think good God, why does anyone want one!?

Nobody likes screaming kids. I think the feelings you get around your niece are a better indication of your desire to have kids than how you feel around misbehaving children.

True. I'm afraid you may be right.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP, it sounds like, once again, we're in a similar position. I hadn't really ever been *single* when my ex and I broke up. I'd always either been pining over the last guy or starting to date the next one. Seriously, 7 months later, people keep telling me to start dating in a few months and it just doesn't seem like I'll have had enough time to myself! I keep pushing it off, telling them I want to wait at least another year. Yeah, sometimes it's lonely and I miss having somebody to talk to at the end of the day. But you know what? A friend of mine felt the same way, so now we text before bed to see how the other person is doing. I miss having somebody to snuggle, but I have snuggly friends, and sometimes we'll cuddle up under a blanket, eat ice cream, and watch a rom com (and mock it relentlessly).

Being single is....freeing. Fun. It's nice to be selfish and not constantly giving parts of yourself to something that isn't working and can't work because you don't know what you want and need and require and are capable of giving without starting to damage little bits of yourself and your dreams. It's a great time to dream BIG. Bigger than you thought possible, and go for those dreams. I firmly believe that you'll meet a WAY better partner for yourself if you're reaching for what you want because then that will be a part of you that they always know. It'll be something they admire about you, and you'll have somebody that respects you and your dreams and gives you the support you need to reach them. Unlike Mr. Man Boy.

 

[FrekeChild]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP, it sounds like, once again, we're in a similar position. I hadn't really ever been *single* when my ex and I broke up. I'd always either been pining over the last guy or starting to date the next one. Seriously, 7 months later, people keep telling me to start dating in a few months and it just doesn't seem like I'll have had enough time to myself! I keep pushing it off, telling them I want to wait at least another year. Yeah, sometimes it's lonely and I miss having somebody to talk to at the end of the day. But you know what? A friend of mine felt the same way, so now we text before bed to see how the other person is doing. I miss having somebody to snuggle, but I have snuggly friends, and sometimes we'll cuddle up under a blanket, eat ice cream, and watch a rom com (and mock it relentlessly).

Being single is....freeing. Fun. It's nice to be selfish and not constantly giving parts of yourself to something that isn't working and can't work because you don't know what you want and need and require and are capable of giving without starting to damage little bits of yourself and your dreams. It's a great time to dream BIG. Bigger than you thought possible, and go for those dreams. I firmly believe that you'll meet a WAY better partner for yourself if you're reaching for what you want because then that will be a part of you that they always know. It'll be something they admire about you, and you'll have somebody that respects you and your dreams and gives you the support you need to reach them. Unlike Mr. Man Boy.

Ditto. Well, back 5 years ago ditto. Seeing as how I've been "entangled" since then. Sometimes I miss being single and being alone--I like solitude, I like only having to worry about my mess and keeping my own stuff straight.

Do I love my husband? You bet your sweet @$$ I do. He's worth giving up that solitude, the peace and quiet, the unmessy rooms, everything.

And to him, I'm worth it too. He must miss something about being single!

So ditto to princesss.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP, it sounds like, once again, we're in a similar position. I hadn't really ever been *single* when my ex and I broke up. I'd always either been pining over the last guy or starting to date the next one. Seriously, 7 months later, people keep telling me to start dating in a few months and it just doesn't seem like I'll have had enough time to myself! I keep pushing it off, telling them I want to wait at least another year. Yeah, sometimes it's lonely and I miss having somebody to talk to at the end of the day. But you know what? A friend of mine felt the same way, so now we text before bed to see how the other person is doing. I miss having somebody to snuggle, but I have snuggly friends, and sometimes we'll cuddle up under a blanket, eat ice cream, and watch a rom com (and mock it relentlessly).

Being single is....freeing. Fun. It's nice to be selfish and not constantly giving parts of yourself to something that isn't working and can't work because you don't know what you want and need and require and are capable of giving without starting to damage little bits of yourself and your dreams. It's a great time to dream BIG. Bigger than you thought possible, and go for those dreams. I firmly believe that you'll meet a WAY better partner for yourself if you're reaching for what you want because then that will be a part of you that they always know. It'll be something they admire about you, and you'll have somebody that respects you and your dreams and gives you the support you need to reach them. Unlike Mr. Man Boy.

This is good to hear! I'm really curious about the prospect of doing whatever I want, with whoever I want, whenever I want, and not having to answer to anyone but myself for it. It'll be bumpy at first, I'm really not sure how to go about taking care of just myself, but I expect it'll be somewhat refreshing! I went out last night with three girlfriends that I hadn't seen in awhile. We ate, talked, laughed, got ice cream at 10 o'clock at night, we had so much fun! We ended up at the mall looking at housewares in Sears, it was nice to think about the things I'd like to have in *my* apartment, to decorate *my* bedroom, the colors of things I want for *me*! I don't think I've made a decor decision without thinking about what someone else will like in nearly 10 years. Geesh. Trying to focus on the positives.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP, it sounds like, once again, we're in a similar position. I hadn't really ever been *single* when my ex and I broke up. I'd always either been pining over the last guy or starting to date the next one. Seriously, 7 months later, people keep telling me to start dating in a few months and it just doesn't seem like I'll have had enough time to myself! I keep pushing it off, telling them I want to wait at least another year. Yeah, sometimes it's lonely and I miss having somebody to talk to at the end of the day. But you know what? A friend of mine felt the same way, so now we text before bed to see how the other person is doing. I miss having somebody to snuggle, but I have snuggly friends, and sometimes we'll cuddle up under a blanket, eat ice cream, and watch a rom com (and mock it relentlessly).

Being single is....freeing. Fun. It's nice to be selfish and not constantly giving parts of yourself to something that isn't working and can't work because you don't know what you want and need and require and are capable of giving without starting to damage little bits of yourself and your dreams. It's a great time to dream BIG. Bigger than you thought possible, and go for those dreams. I firmly believe that you'll meet a WAY better partner for yourself if you're reaching for what you want because then that will be a part of you that they always know. It'll be something they admire about you, and you'll have somebody that respects you and your dreams and gives you the support you need to reach them. Unlike Mr. Man Boy.

Ditto. Well, back 5 years ago ditto. Seeing as how I've been "entangled" since then. Sometimes I miss being single and being alone--I like solitude, I like only having to worry about my mess and keeping my own stuff straight.

Do I love my husband? You bet your sweet @$$ I do. He's worth giving up that solitude, the peace and quiet, the unmessy rooms, everything.

And to him, I'm worth it too. He must miss something about being single!

So ditto to princesss.

This is also good to hear. I do sort of look forward to worrying about me for awhile, being totally selfish and self-reliant. I want to take care of me for awhile, but eventually I do want a meaningful committed relationship (probably with a child, I'm sticking with the idea of a singular child for now!).

I just read the thread about GamerGirl and I feel for her. That is definitely a situation I don't want to end up being in, 35, and your guy of 15 years changes his mind. Well, at 35 we'd have been together 17 years and if I'm feeling like it isn't right at ~6, at 17 we'd be downright miserable. The fact of the matter is that no matter how much it hurts, sucks, whatever, we don't want the same things. Period. Nothing else matters, and in all honesty I think I've really (unconcisously to some extent) played up how "bad" everything else was trying to convince myself that it was all bad for me, blah blah. When it comes down to it, neither of us are wrong, neither of us are bad, but we clearly want very different things and while that doesn't make either of us wrong, it makes us not right for each other.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

There's something about those mid-Twenties that's B-I-G. I'm personally glad that I wasn't in a super serious committed relationship during those years. You grow so much. You CHANGE so much.

BTW ... its kinda funny on the outside of all of this how CONCERNED you are with avoiding advanced maternal age etc when on the other hand you're thinking you might not even WANT kids. Are you, by chance, a perfectionist? You're so obsessed with avoiding life's pitfalls as if its really, ultimately a CHOICE. Maybe you can still comfort yourself with thinking you can out wit, out last, out play L.I.F.E. ... but, IMHO ya got another think coming.

Texts from the other side of Perfect Girl Syndrome: U WILL B OK. U R OK.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP, it sounds like, once again, we're in a similar position. I hadn't really ever been *single* when my ex and I broke up. I'd always either been pining over the last guy or starting to date the next one. Seriously, 7 months later, people keep telling me to start dating in a few months and it just doesn't seem like I'll have had enough time to myself! I keep pushing it off, telling them I want to wait at least another year. Yeah, sometimes it's lonely and I miss having somebody to talk to at the end of the day. But you know what? A friend of mine felt the same way, so now we text before bed to see how the other person is doing. I miss having somebody to snuggle, but I have snuggly friends, and sometimes we'll cuddle up under a blanket, eat ice cream, and watch a rom com (and mock it relentlessly).

Being single is....freeing. Fun. It's nice to be selfish and not constantly giving parts of yourself to something that isn't working and can't work because you don't know what you want and need and require and are capable of giving without starting to damage little bits of yourself and your dreams. It's a great time to dream BIG. Bigger than you thought possible, and go for those dreams. I firmly believe that you'll meet a WAY better partner for yourself if you're reaching for what you want because then that will be a part of you that they always know. It'll be something they admire about you, and you'll have somebody that respects you and your dreams and gives you the support you need to reach them. Unlike Mr. Man Boy.

This is good to hear! I'm really curious about the prospect of doing whatever I want, with whoever I want, whenever I want, and not having to answer to anyone but myself for it. It'll be bumpy at first, I'm really not sure how to go about taking care of just myself, but I expect it'll be somewhat refreshing! I went out last night with three girlfriends that I hadn't seen in awhile. We ate, talked, laughed, got ice cream at 10 o'clock at night, we had so much fun! We ended up at the mall looking at housewares in Sears, it was nice to think about the things I'd like to have in *my* apartment, to decorate *my* bedroom, the colors of things I want for *me*! I don't think I've made a decor decision without thinking about what someone else will like in nearly 10 years. Geesh. Trying to focus on the positives.

OMG, decorating your own apartment is SO MUCH FUN! Seriously. You have no idea. I freaking love my apartment. I love my bedroom. I love that I get to pick everything just because I love it. It's pretty and it makes me smile and I can afford it and I have room for it? It's mine. I love how much you can tell about a person's personality from their home, and how you can keep editing until it's perfect, and how it's your own space to come home to (and it really feels like YOUR home!). I love that I can do things like decide I want a purple velvet headboard with nailhead trim and make it myself and not deal with having to convince anybody else that it's a fabulous idea.

Yes, there are sad lonely times. But they're fewer and farther between than I expected, and they get even farther between as time goes by.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

There's something about those mid-Twenties that's B-I-G. I'm personally glad that I wasn't in a super serious committed relationship during those years. You grow so much. You CHANGE so much.

BTW ... its kinda funny on the outside of all of this how CONCERNED you are with avoiding advanced maternal age etc when on the other hand you're thinking you might not even WANT kids. Are you, by chance, a perfectionist? You're so obsessed with avoiding life's pitfalls as if its really, ultimately a CHOICE. Maybe you can still comfort yourself with thinking you can out wit, out last, out play L.I.F.E. ... but, IMHO ya got another think coming.

Texts from the other side of Perfect Girl Syndrome: U WILL B OK. U R OK.

Hah, I agree. I have grown a lot, changed a lot. I never thought things would end this way, but sometimes people change their minds. I don't want to seem overly concerned about age/kids, but it is something to think about.

And yes, as a matter of fact, most would describe me as a perfectionist. I'm a planner, I like to know where and how things are going all. the. time. I know sometimes planning for things you can't control is silly, but it makes me happy and feel comfortable. I know I can't out play life, but I can do my best to follow through with what I want for myself.

Thanks agian deco

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP, it sounds like, once again, we're in a similar position. I hadn't really ever been *single* when my ex and I broke up. I'd always either been pining over the last guy or starting to date the next one. Seriously, 7 months later, people keep telling me to start dating in a few months and it just doesn't seem like I'll have had enough time to myself! I keep pushing it off, telling them I want to wait at least another year. Yeah, sometimes it's lonely and I miss having somebody to talk to at the end of the day. But you know what? A friend of mine felt the same way, so now we text before bed to see how the other person is doing. I miss having somebody to snuggle, but I have snuggly friends, and sometimes we'll cuddle up under a blanket, eat ice cream, and watch a rom com (and mock it relentlessly).

Being single is....freeing. Fun. It's nice to be selfish and not constantly giving parts of yourself to something that isn't working and can't work because you don't know what you want and need and require and are capable of giving without starting to damage little bits of yourself and your dreams. It's a great time to dream BIG. Bigger than you thought possible, and go for those dreams. I firmly believe that you'll meet a WAY better partner for yourself if you're reaching for what you want because then that will be a part of you that they always know. It'll be something they admire about you, and you'll have somebody that respects you and your dreams and gives you the support you need to reach them. Unlike Mr. Man Boy.

This is good to hear! I'm really curious about the prospect of doing whatever I want, with whoever I want, whenever I want, and not having to answer to anyone but myself for it. It'll be bumpy at first, I'm really not sure how to go about taking care of just myself, but I expect it'll be somewhat refreshing! I went out last night with three girlfriends that I hadn't seen in awhile. We ate, talked, laughed, got ice cream at 10 o'clock at night, we had so much fun! We ended up at the mall looking at housewares in Sears, it was nice to think about the things I'd like to have in *my* apartment, to decorate *my* bedroom, the colors of things I want for *me*! I don't think I've made a decor decision without thinking about what someone else will like in nearly 10 years. Geesh. Trying to focus on the positives.

OMG, decorating your own apartment is SO MUCH FUN! Seriously. You have no idea. I freaking love my apartment. I love my bedroom. I love that I get to pick everything just because I love it. It's pretty and it makes me smile and I can afford it and I have room for it? It's mine. I love how much you can tell about a person's personality from their home, and how you can keep editing until it's perfect, and how it's your own space to come home to (and it really feels like YOUR home!). I love that I can do things like decide I want a purple velvet headboard with nailhead trim and make it myself and not deal with having to convince anybody else that it's a fabulous idea.

Yes, there are sad lonely times. But they're fewer and farther between than I expected, and they get even farther between as time goes by.

Lol, I'm seriously looking forward to it! After I made my internal decision to leave (still biding my time with our lease renewal, etc, trying to keep busy, going out a lot with friends, and just focusing on me!), I started shopping onilne for things to fill my new (yet to be discovered) place with! I found bedding that I L-O-V-E!!!! that he never in a million years would have agreed to. I'm finding furniture and things that make me feel warm and happy and bright. I never disliked the decor in our home(s) over the years, but it's all his, all picked by him, never changed. It's definitely something that will keep me distracted over the first few weeks/months.

I have also decided that I'm going to find a new hobby. I've never really had a hobby before. The FHH thread's knitting thread has given me ideas and I've looked into finding knitting clubs/stores/classes in my area, they're available! And I want to learn. It'll give me something to do with my hands (that's not stuffing my sorrows with cookies and junk food) and I can be productive making toys for the pets, blankets for gifts, baby clothes for the niece, etc - it'll be fun!

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, I just snorted reading your description of yourself to Deco. Honey, we're the exact same person. I tell my friends I'd be so much more comfortable with the whole *insert life changing event here* thing if I just knew when I was going to want to get married/have kids/move/etc., so I could arrange my life now better to fit with that. *sigh*

Finding new hobbies is a great idea. I'd make sure that you have two - one for outside of the house to make you leave and try something new and meet new people, and one for inside the house (like knitting) that will keep your brain occupied when you're home alone. Having one or the other means that you're either isolated in your house because you're not meeting new people, or when you're home all you do is think or veg out, and either of those in large quantities can lead to some serious sad time.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, I just snorted reading your description of yourself to Deco. Honey, we're the exact same person. I tell my friends I'd be so much more comfortable with the whole *insert life changing event here* thing if I just knew when I was going to want to get married/have kids/move/etc., so I could arrange my life now better to fit with that. *sigh*

Finding new hobbies is a great idea. I'd make sure that you have two - one for outside of the house to make you leave and try something new and meet new people, and one for inside the house (like knitting) that will keep your brain occupied when you're home alone. Having one or the other means that you're either isolated in your house because you're not meeting new people, or when you're home all you do is think or veg out, and either of those in large quantities can lead to some serious sad time.

Hah, nice! If only I were in NC (I think that's where you are...), we'd be all set! I definitley am one of those people, I just want to know what is in store for my life so I can plan for it!! Argh, I know it's crazy, but it's good to know I'm not alone

Good idea on making sure I have an out of the house hobby, I'll make sure I stay on that! I'm really going to try and get back into a regular exercise schedule so some gym time will get me out of the house at least.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, I just snorted reading your description of yourself to Deco. Honey, we're the exact same person. I tell my friends I'd be so much more comfortable with the whole *insert life changing event here* thing if I just knew when I was going to want to get married/have kids/move/etc., so I could arrange my life now better to fit with that. *sigh*

Finding new hobbies is a great idea. I'd make sure that you have two - one for outside of the house to make you leave and try something new and meet new people, and one for inside the house (like knitting) that will keep your brain occupied when you're home alone. Having one or the other means that you're either isolated in your house because you're not meeting new people, or when you're home all you do is think or veg out, and either of those in large quantities can lead to some serious sad time.

Hah, nice! If only I were in NC (I think that's where you are...), we'd be all set! I definitley am one of those people, I just want to know what is in store for my life so I can plan for it!! Argh, I know it's crazy, but it's good to know I'm not alone

Good idea on making sure I have an out of the house hobby, I'll make sure I stay on that! I'm really going to try and get back into a regular exercise schedule so some gym time will get me out of the house at least.

We'd totally be set! But I guess we'll just have to survive this way...

The gym can be a great way to meet people, and I'm also a huge fan of team sports - volleyball leagues, kickball, Ultimate frisbee, softball, etc. In my experience, those groups are really welcoming (and generally especially welcoming of women since a lot of them will have rules about needing x women on the field at any time), and a great way to meet a large number of people at once! Plus you've got the added benefit of helping you get in shape.