Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[Anonymous]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know that you are feeling very tortured by having this dumped in your lap - he KNOWS that you're unhappy, and have been. You had the "These are my needs and they're not being met." talk. If he truly respected and loved you the way that someone needs to in order to make those changes, it wouldn't have taken the "Okay, times up and I'm outta here!" follow up.

My advice is to go back and read the last 10 pages of your thread. You need to be reminded of what you've done to try to prevent this. It's not all up to you. He's 95% responsible for the breakup (being generous by giving him 5% here) but is taking 0% of the responsibility to make it work on your terms. IF he loved you like you NEED a man to love you, he would never have put you in this position.

He's a taker and except for when you blow up and ask him to change, he's a happy man. You're a giver and except for when you blow up and ask him to change, you're a miserable woman. If you want to have this same conversation over and over throughout the rest of your life, by all means give him another chance to show you that he can change. The way I see it though, all of his words are just that - words. There's no lasting change. It's resentment and selfishness the moment that he thinks that he has you back under his thumb.

I'm sorry hun. Really I am. I've been there...but in my case it was a lazy, selfish, messy, thoughtless manchild + two kids, a mortgage and a 10 year marriage to dissolve. It will only get HARDER and MORE messy as time goes on, trust me.

ETA:

Adding a little perspective...My ex has still not changed. He has a new GF and his house is STILL a disgusting mess. She refuses to go there and I genuinely feel sorry for the girl. He absolutely would have stayed with me forever. He loved me, but he could not change. So who knows, maybe some guys just can't change no matter how much they love someone, or how much they lose. All I can say is that you are NOT responsible for keeping up after him and rescuing him from himself. You deserve to be with someone that helps you with the home and treats you like an equal partner, with respect. I have that now and it's WONDERFUL...but you know what? If I'd stayed, I'd STILL be miserable. I'd STILL be cleaning up after him. I'd STILL be frustrated, depressed and feeling hopeless. It won't change until you realize that you have to protect yourself from being used and you're responsible for your own happiness above HIS.

 

[Maddie3]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advice please,
I remember when your first posted and wanted to comment, but everyone had already said all that I was thinking. I know first hand how painful it is when they person you love is not the person you wish them to be. My last relationship ended pretty much for the same reasons and I could see myself in your words. I am still getting over the pain of a broken relationship and just want to echo everyone and say - you should not be worried about him and how he feels because he obviously is not worried about how you feel. No amount of love will change him. Hugs and just think how amazing it will be when you find someone that actually deserves you!

 

[confusedaisy]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He's not WILLING TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THAT? Really? He's a fat, happy camper right now but even the THOUGHT of enduring SOME NOMINAL DISCOMFORT for you to do what you *want to do*? NOPE! NOT WILLING TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THAT.

What is he willing to put you through? What are you willing to put YOURSELF THROUGH for one more minute?

He ISN'T good enough for you. He's right! He ISN'T willing to do the work and put in the effort YOU DESERVE. You ARE his better half. These aren't things that should come as surprises to you or suprises that he realizes. I think it just shows that he's EVEN MORE AWARE of how good he's got it & how much it will **** for it to end. FOR HIM.

YOU? You'll be wondering what took you so long to ditch this blubbering MANCHILD.

DITTO TO EVERYTHING DECO SAID!!! Ugh, he doesn't want to put himself through a difficult break-up- but what have you been experiencing for the past few weeks/months?? He is ridiculous! I'm sorry if it upsets you because you're confused after your conversation but everything you wrote from your conversation does not signal a man who truly loves you and is afraid to lose you. Someone who loves you will do anything to show you that. I'm so sorry. I'm sending you tons of hugs! I know this can't be easy...

Edited just to add how annoyed I am that he left this decision ENTIRELY up to you. It's on your shoulders. It's all your fault. With your standards and desire to be treated with respect. How dare you? Now YOU get to decide whether you stay together or not. Ugh- passive aggressive much? Doesn't he care at all the the person he's with isn't happy? Shouldn't he be a MAN or at least an ADULT and say that he cannot be the significant other you want and need? I'm sorry if this upsets you but-- RUN!!!

 

[wwmd8118]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I asked him to tell me when is a good time to talk to him, I can't do it in the morning before work, not enough time. He prefers not to talk in the evenings because a) he's either home so late that I'm already in bed or b) it's still late and he's had zero down time all day. Weekend usually aren't good because he usually always has something planned for work, his organizations, or recreational things. I feel like that's part of the problem. He said the reason he said he doesn't like to talk at night is because THIS is how we usually 'talk' where it's a blowup of many things that lasts for hours.

Advicepls, first of all, I'm sending huge hugs your way!! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been paying attention to your thread but haven't posted until now because everyone said exactly what I was thinking. Everyone has pretty much once again said what I'm thinking in response to the new post you left, but I am so frustrated for you about this quote in particular that I had to speak up. He doesn't have time to talk after work or on the weekends??? When are you two supposed to participate in a two-way relationship with each other?? And, it really bothers me when a person make excuses that they HAVE to do certain things when in fact these are CHOICES this person has made. Like he doesn't have time to talk on the weekends because of "his organizations or recreational things." While those are time-consumers, they are more importantly CHOICES! He has made the choice to put those things above other things in his life, including you. He is basically saying he doesn't EVER have time to talk to you about your relationship because he's so busy with other priorities that he has CHOSEN to make priorities over you. Sorry to sound steamed, but this makes me so mad for you!!

You seem to have such a good head on your shoulders, so take the time you need to think about YOU and what is right for YOU. YOU deserve to be THE priority. I mean all of this with love and support and we're all here for you.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He's not WILLING TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THAT? Really? He's a fat, happy camper right now but even the THOUGHT of enduring SOME NOMINAL DISCOMFORT for you to do what you *want to do*? NOPE! NOT WILLING TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THAT.

What is he willing to put you through? What are you willing to put YOURSELF THROUGH for one more minute?

He ISN'T good enough for you. He's right! He ISN'T willing to do the work and put in the effort YOU DESERVE. You ARE his better half. These aren't things that should come as surprises to you or suprises that he realizes. I think it just shows that he's EVEN MORE AWARE of how good he's got it & how much it will **** for it to end. FOR HIM.

YOU? You'll be wondering what took you so long to ditch this blubbering MANCHILD.

It breaks my heart to think of it this way. I really would do absolutely anything for him and to think he doesn't feel that way about me brings me to tears.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I haven't added at all to this thread yet, but I just want to send you big hugs!

Also, I am giving a big fat DITTO to everything that deco said. He is terrified of you leaving because for once, he will have to actually take care of himself.

From what I've read of your posts in this thread, it sounds to me like you have made the decision that you need to move out and to take a step back from the relationship. If he considers that breaking up, then so be it. Apparently the relationship isn't that important to him if he isn't also willing to take a step back and work on things.

I feel like living apart could be a healthy, good step. Regain independence, get his "I'm a 24 year old and I want to do what I want to do" out of his system and give us BOTH some time to figure out what we really want out of this (or another) relationship. To me that means we can date and be together, without living together. According to him, it's stay together living together or break up and move out. I didn't expect that.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I have been reading this saga over these many weeks, and all I can say is RUN NOW!! He has told you exactly how he feels, he is not willing to "put himself" through all that? What a selfish person. You are doing the right thing in packing up and leaving. You deserve so much better, he does not deserve you. THRITTO. DECO!!!!

Thanks for your input Elisateach.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He said that that is hard for him to do because he doesn't need that kind of love to feel good, but that he'll do whatever it takes to make sure that he does it for me. I told him that it has really gotten to the point that I do not feel like a priority in his life AT ALL and that I feel like the things I do are expected and not appreciated like they used to be. He apologized profusely.

This is a big point of incompatibility. You've told him BEFORE what you need and he has PROVEN he cannot give you what you need. If he could change, and wanted to make the effort, he already would have. You can't scare him into really giving you what you need longterm.

Also, if action is his love language, how has he been showing you love through his actions? He's not expressing love in any language. Do the hard thing, dig in your heels, and give notice on your lease. If some miracle happens, you can get a new place together and a fresh start, but don't let that door close.

We sort of talked about the love languages before, not in depth by any means. Like I said, communication is definitely somewhere we're lacking. He feels that by working as much as he does and networking the way he does is his way of boosting his career that will be large portion of our total support in the future. He feels that those actions are for US. I can see his point, but since that's not how I feel loved, it mostly leaves me feeling left in the cold.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also agree with Deco. If he was the RIGHT guy, he would be willing to put in the work to keep you, no matter what. And also, why is it that everything must be on his terms? Im seeing alot of this in threads lately in the LIW section, and it makes me . Do what you have to for yourself, stop worrying about his needs so much, he is already doing that, you should worrying about YOU. Someday there will be a man worthy of being with you and being your husband, this guy isnt.

That's what I feel like. I would feel like he (while obviously upset) would be willing to do what it takes to turn things around. I expressed that I thought some time living apart would do this and he didn't want to hear it. He thought it was a terrible idea and it's a dealbreaker for him. If we don't renew a lease (somewhere) together, he's forcing my hand. I'm so hurt and confused right now.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He sounds like an ex-boyfriend of mine. I was an idiot (also, 19) and got back together with him because I felt guilty and sorry for him. That only prolonged the inevitable and made him that much MORE of a baby when we broke up.

Don't listen to him. You are not doing this TO him.. He's done this to himself. I understand that this is hard to do when you care about someone, but you should care about yourself and your own happiness more.

HUGE hugs, I know this is hard!

I feel like I'm hurting him, and that hurts me. I know I'm not doing this to him, but it is so hard because I do love him, so very much.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I read your update this morning, but held off on posting so I could formulate my thoughts.

It's obvious you don't want to hurt him. The fact that your leaving hurts him is having a strong effect on you. I don't want to say "Woman, you're crazy for caring when he obviously doesn't care for you!" because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but at the same time I wish you could see how much of this is about HIM and how little of it is about YOU. As Deco pointed out, he doesn't want to put himself through any discomfort, but if that means that you're in discomfort, well then you're just supposed to navigate through all of that on your own.

Nothing has really changed, though, has it? He still can't meet your needs. He would still rather you sacrifice the option of having kids by staying with him so that he doesn't have to go through the pain of you leaving him. To stay with him knowing you're taking such a big risk would probably cause so much tension in the relationship, anyway, that it would be unbearable.

I feel for you!

It does have a strong effect on me. I know from other people's perspective it probably does seem insane that I even care, but I do! I'm really torn now. I felt so sure before we talked, and I now just feel helpless and crushed.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'll "quatto"(?) Decco. Big hugs all around.

I don't understand however how you don't have any time to talk in the morning, and he can't afford to talk to you at night or on the weekends. So - how exactly are you planning to communicate more? I mean, I know you're planning but he's just not giving.

There's no time, no room in *his* life, no effort because he's tired after a full day(?)). Um, talking with my SO is how I relax from a long day.

Meanwhile, you've been working hard getting groceries, buying him soap and effectively setting him up so he can have this great life away from you. Then, he has no time for you!

He *knows* and *tells people* how good he has it with you. I know he genuinely means it, because well, it's TRUE. You ARE too good for him, and he does have it TOO GOOD. Through all the emotions and talk of love (which I believe he means), he is also essentially telling you that THERE WILL BE NO REAL CHANGES!

I know you're confused because of all the meaningful things he said last night, but regardless of how he feels, the basic facts of your life remain the same. Is this the life you want? IS IT?

We talk, but not about issues, we talk about our days and work, school etc. We do talk to unwind, we talk while we eat, etc. I see being to spend at the end of the day to deal with disagreements, but I need sometime to be able to talk or this is what happens! I keep it all bottled up and explode with everything that's been wrong for months and that's not okay either. I didn't expect him to break down, I didn't expect him to say hte meaningful things he said, and they've thrown me off my surety of the situation. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

As usual, he's only worried about himself and his needs and isn't even willing to entertain the idea of doing something for you and your needs. You know this relationship isn't good, you know living apart won't change him, so what are you waiting for? Love isn't enough sometimes/a lot of the time. And love does not = happy, healthy relationship.

It's almost guaranteed that the dynamic in your relationship will never change...he's a spoiled mama's boy and you're clearly the type of person who loves to be a caretaker. The challenge for you is to find someone who wants to take care of you right back. HE IS NOT THAT SOMEONE.

Sometimes love isn't enough. That's what I've been trying to talk to him about. He's not concerned with some of these issues because they're things we can't always plan for (like kids). I'm good at giving, he's good a taking. This just sucks.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

As usual, he's only worried about himself and his needs and isn't even willing to entertain the idea of doing something for you and your needs. You know this relationship isn't good, you know living apart won't change him, so what are you waiting for? Love isn't enough sometimes/a lot of the time. And love does not = happy, healthy relationship.

It's almost guaranteed that the dynamic in your relationship will never change...he's a spoiled mama's boy and you're clearly the type of person who loves to be a caretaker. The challenge for you is to find someone who wants to take care of you right back. HE IS NOT THAT SOMEONE.

Let me just give a big ole DITTO to the bolded section. I heartily agree to all the comments/advice given thus far but feel particularly strongly about the bolded line. I found this out too late myself - but I think that you already know it and know that you need to move on. He isn't willing to be your partner -- when you look back on this in the future you will realize how much better it is to take the immeadiate pain and loss now than to let more time and effort be wasted on what does not seem like a good relationship!

Big Hugs

Thanks Gamer. I hope you're doing well with your new journey.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think you should move out. If change is going to happen, its not going to happen as long as you keep living together--you will fall into the same patterns. He's just making it that much harder on you. You suggested a compromise: move out, and restructure your relationship. He turned that into an ultimatum: move out, and break up. Can you see what a mind game that is?

I can't move out (yet). Our lease isn't even up until the end of June, so it'll be early-mid June at the earliest. I was hoping that moving out and restructuring our relationship would work/help, I couldn't believe that he reacted as strongly as he did against it.

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think you should move out. If change is going to happen, its not going to happen as long as you keep living together--you will fall into the same patterns. He's just making it that much harder on you. You suggested a compromise: move out, and restructure your relationship. He turned that into an ultimatum: move out, and break up. Can you see what a mind game that is?

I can't move out (yet). Our lease isn't even up until the end of June, so it'll be early-mid June at the earliest. I was hoping that moving out and restructuring our relationship would work/help, I couldn't believe that he reacted as strongly as he did against it.

When I told my ex that I wanted a trail separation after being married for 10 years, he said flat out that he would want a divorce. I too could not understand, still don't. At that point I resigned myself to not ever being able to break free. I felt trapped and helpless. It SUCKS It took me a full 6 months to get my crap together after that and finally find the strength to do it. I was a shell of a person, bitter and unhappy, unhealthy and depressed. My kids and I deserved more than what I'd become.

I guess it's a matter of them KNOWING that you aren't happy, that they've screwed up a little too much and that the likelyhood of THEM finally being on the receiving end of devastation was too high to risk the trial separation/living apart to work on things.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know that you are feeling very tortured by having this dumped in your lap - he KNOWS that you're unhappy, and have been. You had the "These are my needs and they're not being met." talk. If he truly respected and loved you the way that someone needs to in order to make those changes, it wouldn't have taken the "Okay, times up and I'm outta here!" follow up.
My advice is to go back and read the last 10 pages of your thread. You need to be reminded of what you've done to try to prevent this. It's not all up to you. He's 95% responsible for the breakup (being generous by giving him 5% here) but is taking 0% of the responsibility to make it work on your terms. IF he loved you like you NEED a man to love you, he would never have put you in this position.
He's a taker and except for when you blow up and ask him to change, he's a happy man. You're a giver and except for when you blow up and ask him to change, you're a miserable woman. If you want to have this same conversation over and over throughout the rest of your life, by all means give him another chance to show you that he can change. The way I see it though, all of his words are just that - words. There's no lasting change. It's resentment and selfishness the moment that he thinks that he has you back under his thumb.
I'm sorry hun. Really I am. I've been there...but in my case it was a lazy, selfish, messy, thoughtless manchild + two kids, a mortgage and a 10 year marriage to dissolve. It will only get HARDER and MORE messy as time goes on, trust me.
ETA:
Adding a little perspective...My ex has still not changed. He has a new GF and his house is STILL a disgusting mess. She refuses to go there and I genuinely feel sorry for the girl. He absolutely would have stayed with me forever. He loved me, but he could not change. So who knows, maybe some guys just can't change no matter how much they love someone, or how much they lose. All I can say is that you are NOT responsible for keeping up after him and rescuing him from himself. You deserve to be with someone that helps you with the home and treats you like an equal partner, with respect. I have that now and it's WONDERFUL...but you know what? If I'd stayed, I'd STILL be miserable. I'd STILL be cleaning up after him. I'd STILL be frustrated, depressed and feeling hopeless. It won't change until you realize that you have to protect yourself from being used and you're responsible for your own happiness above HIS.

I really have a hard time imagining my life without him. I also think a lot of our issues stem from him being NOT READY to be this committed. Per our original timeline for engagement/marriage, it's not even on the table for another 3 years minimum. That's really why I felt that living separately to regain some independence while we are young, let us each get our own finances in order independent of eachother and discuss moving back in together when we are BOTH emotionally read and mature enough to handle everything that comes along with it. I sitll feel that half the reason living togehter has been difficult for us is because we weren't ready to move in together when we did. It was conveinent. Not planned, not well thought out, not considered. I'm heartbroken that he doesn't see this is at least a semi-positive thing and hurt/anxious/nervous/scared/upset that he's left me to make this horrible decision of doing what's best for both of us by taking a step back or staying together.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advice please,
I remember when your first posted and wanted to comment, but everyone had already said all that I was thinking. I know first hand how painful it is when they person you love is not the person you wish them to be. My last relationship ended pretty much for the same reasons and I could see myself in your words. I am still getting over the pain of a broken relationship and just want to echo everyone and say - you should not be worried about him and how he feels because he obviously is not worried about how you feel. No amount of love will change him. Hugs and just think how amazing it will be when you find someone that actually deserves you!

Thank you.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He's not WILLING TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THAT? Really? He's a fat, happy camper right now but even the THOUGHT of enduring SOME NOMINAL DISCOMFORT for you to do what you *want to do*? NOPE! NOT WILLING TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THAT.

What is he willing to put you through? What are you willing to put YOURSELF THROUGH for one more minute?

He ISN'T good enough for you. He's right! He ISN'T willing to do the work and put in the effort YOU DESERVE. You ARE his better half. These aren't things that should come as surprises to you or suprises that he realizes. I think it just shows that he's EVEN MORE AWARE of how good he's got it & how much it will **** for it to end. FOR HIM.

YOU? You'll be wondering what took you so long to ditch this blubbering MANCHILD.

DITTO TO EVERYTHING DECO SAID!!! Ugh, he doesn't want to put himself through a difficult break-up- but what have you been experiencing for the past few weeks/months?? He is ridiculous! I'm sorry if it upsets you because you're confused after your conversation but everything you wrote from your conversation does not signal a man who truly loves you and is afraid to lose you. Someone who loves you will do anything to show you that. I'm so sorry. I'm sending you tons of hugs! I know this can't be easy...

Edited just to add how annoyed I am that he left this decision ENTIRELY up to you. It's on your shoulders. It's all your fault. With your standards and desire to be treated with respect. How dare you? Now YOU get to decide whether you stay together or not. Ugh- passive aggressive much? Doesn't he care at all the the person he's with isn't happy? Shouldn't he be a MAN or at least an ADULT and say that he cannot be the significant other you want and need? I'm sorry if this upsets you but-- RUN!!!

It's stressing me out already that he's left it entirely up to me.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I asked him to tell me when is a good time to talk to him, I can't do it in the morning before work, not enough time. He prefers not to talk in the evenings because a) he's either home so late that I'm already in bed or b) it's still late and he's had zero down time all day. Weekend usually aren't good because he usually always has something planned for work, his organizations, or recreational things. I feel like that's part of the problem. He said the reason he said he doesn't like to talk at night is because THIS is how we usually 'talk' where it's a blowup of many things that lasts for hours.

Advicepls, first of all, I'm sending huge hugs your way!! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been paying attention to your thread but haven't posted until now because everyone said exactly what I was thinking. Everyone has pretty much once again said what I'm thinking in response to the new post you left, but I am so frustrated for you about this quote in particular that I had to speak up. He doesn't have time to talk after work or on the weekends??? When are you two supposed to participate in a two-way relationship with each other?? And, it really bothers me when a person make excuses that they HAVE to do certain things when in fact these are CHOICES this person has made. Like he doesn't have time to talk on the weekends because of "his organizations or recreational things." While those are time-consumers, they are more importantly CHOICES! He has made the choice to put those things above other things in his life, including you. He is basically saying he doesn't EVER have time to talk to you about your relationship because he's so busy with other priorities that he has CHOSEN to make priorities over you. Sorry to sound steamed, but this makes me so mad for you!!

You seem to have such a good head on your shoulders, so take the time you need to think about YOU and what is right for YOU. YOU deserve to be THE priority. I mean all of this with love and support and we're all here for you.

I agree - it's all about choices. I expressed this last night when we talked. I told him I no longer felt like a priority to him. He genuinely seemed upset at that and he apologized. I'm so torn on what to do and where this is.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He sounds like an ex-boyfriend of mine. I was an idiot (also, 19) and got back together with him because I felt guilty and sorry for him. That only prolonged the inevitable and made him that much MORE of a baby when we broke up.

Don't listen to him. You are not doing this TO him.. He's done this to himself. I understand that this is hard to do when you care about someone, but you should care about yourself and your own happiness more.

HUGE hugs, I know this is hard!

I feel like I'm hurting him, and that hurts me. I know I'm not doing this to him, but it is so hard because I do love him, so very much.

I know you feel that way. I've been there and it's THE WORST. And regardless of what happens, this will take an emotional toll on you. Breaking up is never easy, even if you are the one ending the relationship. You can love someone and choose not to be with them, and that doesn't make you a bad person. He may try to tell you otherwise. He may cry and scream that you're giving up on the relationship. The truth is, he seems to have given up a long time ago.

Reread everything you wrote about your most recent conversation. At any point did he say anything about wanting to be there for you? Nope. He just talked about how bad it would suck for him.

He is selfish and immature. He doesn't deserve you. Walk away-- because out there there is a person who will do everything for you.

Sorry, I know I sound cheesy, but I've been there. My ex even called me with a gun to his head. I cried and cried and felt awful. It hurt so much to hurt someone I cared about. If he had really loved me, he wouldn't have put me through any of after the relationship had run its course.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think you should move out. If change is going to happen, its not going to happen as long as you keep living together--you will fall into the same patterns. He's just making it that much harder on you. You suggested a compromise: move out, and restructure your relationship. He turned that into an ultimatum: move out, and break up. Can you see what a mind game that is?

I can't move out (yet). Our lease isn't even up until the end of June, so it'll be early-mid June at the earliest. I was hoping that moving out and restructuring our relationship would work/help, I couldn't believe that he reacted as strongly as he did against it.

When I told my ex that I wanted a trail separation after being married for 10 years, he said flat out that he would want a divorce. I too could not understand, still don't. At that point I resigned myself to not ever being able to break free. I felt trapped and helpless. It SUCKS It took me a full 6 months to get my crap together after that and finally find the strength to do it. I was a shell of a person, bitter and unhappy, unhealthy and depressed. My kids and I deserved more than what I'd become.

I guess it's a matter of them KNOWING that you aren't happy, that they've screwed up a little too much and that the likelyhood of THEM finally being on the receiving end of devastation was too high to risk the trial separation/living apart to work on things.

I really don't understand this take. To me it is a step in the right direction towards giving him time to grow up and be independent. His actions (to me) say that that is what he wants. He's not ready to give it up, so have it. When we're both ready to move forward we can. But I can't handle being caught in the middle of feeling ready to take it on myself and him digging in his heels. I really don't understand how this isn't a good solution for us *right now*.

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Agreed with Deco.

I think that if you choose to stay, it will only be a matter of time that you're back at square one pondering why you're even still with this guy and how to leave.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He sounds like an ex-boyfriend of mine. I was an idiot (also, 19) and got back together with him because I felt guilty and sorry for him. That only prolonged the inevitable and made him that much MORE of a baby when we broke up.

Don't listen to him. You are not doing this TO him.. He's done this to himself. I understand that this is hard to do when you care about someone, but you should care about yourself and your own happiness more.

HUGE hugs, I know this is hard!

I feel like I'm hurting him, and that hurts me. I know I'm not doing this to him, but it is so hard because I do love him, so very much.

I know you feel that way. I've been there and it's THE WORST. And regardless of what happens, this will take an emotional toll on you. Breaking up is never easy, even if you are the one ending the relationship. You can love someone and choose not to be with them, and that doesn't make you a bad person. He may try to tell you otherwise. He may cry and scream that you're giving up on the relationship. The truth is, he seems to have given up a long time ago.

Reread everything you wrote about your most recent conversation. At any point did he say anything about wanting to be there for you? Nope. He just talked about how bad it would suck for him.

He is selfish and immature. He doesn't deserve you. Walk away-- because out there there is a person who will do everything for you.

Sorry, I know I sound cheesy, but I've been there. My ex even called me with a gun to his head. I cried and cried and felt awful. It hurt so much to hurt someone I cared about. If he had really loved me, he wouldn't have put me through any of after the relationship had run its course.

It's hard, and it sucks. I feel so pathetic and horrible. He has already said (not in so many words) that he doesn't want this to end and that if it happens it'll be me doing it. I feel like I've tried to fix this from every possible angle and handle it (mostly on my own) to do anything I possibly could to AVOID hurting him. I can't believe this is happening.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Agreed with Deco.

I think that if you choose to stay, it will only be a matter of time that you're back at square one pondering why you're even still with this guy and how to leave.

I worry about this.

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Honey,
I'm so sorry your going though this. But I agree with the others. As much as he says he wants to stay together and can't imagine his life without you, you're going to need to leave. This is no longer about him, this is about YOU. YOU need time on your own to figure out how you feel. If he wants to break up bc you don't live together that's his decision. The only way he'll make any changes in his life and grow up is if you follow though with what you've been talking about with him for months. And that's putting yourself and your happiness first. If he hasn't changed after all the convo's you've had with him, he probably won't. But if he does it will only be after he see's how serious you are (and probably how happy you are after you've been on your own a while) and he'll realize he's been a lazy dumba** and do everything in his power to win you back (if he's smart). If not, someone else will see how AMAZING you are and you'll meet someone down the road.

As much as this hurts I promise it does get better. At a very young age I realized that love isn't enough to keep a relationship together and love isn't enough for happiness. Do what you need to do for YOU and forget about him. I also would figure out what it is you DON'T want in a relationship (you don't have to do this now, just keep it in the back of your mind) and don't compromise on those things. When the time is right the right man will come along and if he isn't everything you already want/need he will do his best to become want you want and need (and I don't mean by changing who they are, I mean growing/changing things for the other person in a positive manner for both parties).

Your young and you've figured out what DOESN'T work. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So go down the scary road that you've been emotionally and mentally preparing yourself for months and brace yourself because what you're going to discover within yourself is amazing and even more beautiful than you already are and can imagine. Your handsome prince charming is waiting for you to find YOU and get away from mr. wrong so he can come and treat you like you should be treated. So go buy yourself a build a bear and dress him in something cute and there is your new bed mate. They are wonderful, they don't argue, they are soft and are always willing to cuddle and catch your tears.

HUGS again hun and we are here whenever you need to talk or vent. Someday we'll be reading a thread to put you back on the list bc you've met someone who cares as much for you as you do for them. And you both are each others better half...not the better half of someone who doesn't deserve you.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Yep, it will be you doing it. It'll be you realizing this isn't healthy and walking towards something better for yourself. This guy clearly isn't willing to make any meaningful changes that will positively impact your relationship. He IS willing, however, to whine and lay the blame everywhere but where it belongs - at his own damn feet.

*hugs* None of this is easy, but do what's best for yourself and you won't regret it - trust me, this guy only looks good to you now. When he's in your rearview and you're off on a new adventure, you'll know you made the right choice.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I was hoping that moving out and restructuring our relationship would work/help, I couldn't believe that he reacted as strongly as he did against it.

I can't believe that you couldn't believe! This is classic mind games stuff. But its two-fold ...

1) He's trying whatever he can to force you into staying / status quo. Threatening you with what you FEAR THE MOST. But he puts it like "oh he'd be too hurt to date you if you weren't living together" ... when what he's really thinking "OH SHIZ! I'll have to take care of MYSELF! I don't know HOW TO??????!!!! And it is SO UN FUN!!!! It might affect my LIFESTYLE!"

and

2) He's going to NEED the freedom to date some other chick .... WHO WILL STEP IN AND TAKE CARE OF HIM. If he's dating YOU -- he's ON HIS OWN. You're not going to let some other chick move in and take care of him! Which is what he'll be looking for asap. Not a chick to MARRY, mind you. Just ANYONE who will do his dirty work for a spell and sleep w/him for good measure.

I'm putting it like this (harshly) to try to get you to see the whole picture. Not his sob story. Not how YOU would be feeling if you were HIM. But the real awfulness of him and the stage of life he is at and the RAW DEAL it would be for you to give him anymore of your time/heart.

You know what? If he really loves you and really wants to be with you -- he's MANAGE THE PAIN of continuing to date you after you move out. He' MAN UP for the first time in is feeble wimpy spoiled life. If he DOESN'T ... that's ON HIM. Not on YOU. It will be even more evidence of his immaturity and thoughtless self-indulgence.

 

[blacksand]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

11 pages here of you wanting to move out. You want to move out. You know that's the best thing for you. You've known it since page 1. Stick to your guns now. This is not you deciding to end the relationship, so forget this crap about the decision being entirely in your hands. Eff that. You decided, a long time ago, to move out. He has now decided that if you move out, it's over. That is his decision. He is in control here, but wants you to feel like you're the one making that decision. Why? Because it puts all the guilt on you. Because it allows him to whine to his family and friends and be a martyr, and paint you as the evil witch who left him high and dry. He gets to be sad but indignant, and you get all the guilt. Sadness, and the feeling of being wronged by someone, is something he can deal with, although he knows and admits that it will suck for a long time. It is tough being sad, but it is a lot easier than admitting you are in the wrong. Guilt is something he cannot deal with. So he's making you carry that load. That isn't fair. Say no.

Tell him how it is. You're moving out. You're not breaking up with him. If he wants to break up, that is his decision. Don't let him tell you that it's yours. It isn't. It's what he wants, not what you want. Do not let him make you feel guilty over something that he is doing.

 

[suchende]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

What has the money situation been like since you last checked in? Has he started contributing his fair share?