Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, your explanation makes me less mad. Even so, he hasn't been taking care of the dog this entire time and I still think it's incredibly selfish for him to get all high and mighty about the dog being HIS now. But I guess him being selfish shouldn't really come as a surprise. If I were you I'd take your cat, let him keep the dog, and never get a pet again with someone you're not married to.

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, your explanation makes me less mad. Even so, he hasn't been taking care of the dog this entire time and I still think it's incredibly selfish for him to get all high and mighty about the dog being HIS now. But I guess him being selfish shouldn't really come as a surprise. If I were you I'd take your cat, let him keep the dog, and never get a pet again with someone you're not married to.

 

[inflorescence]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He also made sure to point out in our talk/discussion/fight that the dog is HIS. That if I decide to leave HIM that he's not going to lose me, the cat, and the dog. He then went on to say he was embarrassed to admit that he didn't know, but that I needed to give him all her vet, groomer, trainer, doggie camp, medicine, food, etc information so that he could verify that HIS name was on everything so that I woulnd't leave him AND take HIS dog. I really don't know what to do about this one, I LOVE that little girl and I picked her, found her, trained her, take care of her. She sleeps with ME. He technically paid for her and I guess the paperwork sides in his favor in terms of ownership, but according to her, she's mine. I ended up taking care of her because he doesn't have the time to, he's never home for her walks, feeding times, etc. He doesn't have enough time for himself (according to him) let alone to make sure she gets to the vet and groomer when necessary. And he spent her medicine money on FLYING. I want them both to stay with me, but I know he'll get so so so nasty if I even bring it up. I'm not sure what I can even do about it. More than anything, I know he loves her, but I want whats best for HER most of all.

I have a very similar story, reading this actually gave me the goosebumps.
When I dated the doctor who put work #1 and I slaved around the house him not appricating me, helping, contributing with meals etc ... we had a lovely dog. She was my companion, my best friend, my family... my everything.
When I worked up the balls to move out he said that she was his dog and that he was keeping her.... almost the exact speech you just had about your bf...

I then found the courage to fight for her (I didn't get the house, the car, the furniture.. nothing... even though I equally contributed)... I did not want to involve a lawyer. All I said was, "this was a gift from you to me... you might have paid for her, but I have been the only one to care for her(vet), walk her, feed her, train her, love her.. because you have been so busy with your work, she is MY family and I WILL not let you use her to attempt yo control me.

I got her, and it was worth all the materialistic things I had to offer.

In a positive light maybe by leaving the pet with him and moving out on your own will allow him to see how much effort a pet is to take care of, allowing him to appreciate your contributions even more.

Please take care and don't listen to his pathetic attempt for control.

******hugs******* It will be good. I promise.

 

[iota15]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think you should move out. If change is going to happen, its not going to happen as long as you keep living together--you will fall into the same patterns. He's just making it that much harder on you. You suggested a compromise: move out, and restructure your relationship. He turned that into an ultimatum: move out, and break up. Can you see what a mind game that is?

I can't move out (yet). Our lease isn't even up until the end of June, so it'll be early-mid June at the earliest. I was hoping that moving out and restructuring our relationship would work/help, I couldn't believe that he reacted as strongly as he did against it.

When I told my ex that I wanted a trail separation after being married for 10 years, he said flat out that he would want a divorce. I too could not understand, still don't. At that point I resigned myself to not ever being able to break free. I felt trapped and helpless. It SUCKS It took me a full 6 months to get my crap together after that and finally find the strength to do it. I was a shell of a person, bitter and unhappy, unhealthy and depressed. My kids and I deserved more than what I'd become.

I guess it's a matter of them KNOWING that you aren't happy, that they've screwed up a little too much and that the likelyhood of THEM finally being on the receiving end of devastation was too high to risk the trial separation/living apart to work on things.

I really don't understand this take. To me it is a step in the right direction towards giving him time to grow up and be independent. His actions (to me) say that that is what he wants. He's not ready to give it up, so have it. When we're both ready to move forward we can. But I can't handle being caught in the middle of feeling ready to take it on myself and him digging in his heels. I really don't understand how this isn't a good solution for us *right now*.

Dear. You have to take back the control now. Tell him - I am going to move out. This is what I think is best for both of us. If this means to you that we're broken up, then we're broken up but as far as I'm concerned, this relationship moves forward whether I'm living with you or not, and I am definitely moving out. So it's your call.


To be honest, I never thought he would agree to you continuing your relationship while you were apart. For one, why would he want things to change? You do Everything for him and give him everything he needs. The benefits you are to him - or "your actions" in his language of love - make you an endentured slave to him. Once you move out, he loses all those benefits. He loves you, but by breaking up because you move out, he's showing he loves what you do for him more.

 

[suchende]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It breaks my heart to think you'd let the fear of having wasted your time influence your decision. It's a "sunk cost" and you're never getting it back no matter what. The only time you can spare from waste is the time you're still burning with someone who doesn't fit you and your stage in life/needs from a partner.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Even so, he hasn't been taking care of the dog this entire time and I still think it's incredibly selfish for him to get all high and mighty about the dog being HIS now.

Leave him the dog along with an itemized bill of what you've spent on the pets over the past X years. Not that he'll pay it, but maybe it will open his eyes.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, your explanation makes me less mad. Even so, he hasn't been taking care of the dog this entire time and I still think it's incredibly selfish for him to get all high and mighty about the dog being HIS now. But I guess him being selfish shouldn't really come as a surprise. If I were you I'd take your cat, let him keep the dog, and never get a pet again with someone you're not married to.

Thanks thing2of2. I do think it's incredibly selfish, but again, not really a surprise. I have a hard time imagining coming home and not having them both great me at the door as they always do.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He also made sure to point out in our talk/discussion/fight that the dog is HIS. That if I decide to leave HIM that he's not going to lose me, the cat, and the dog. He then went on to say he was embarrassed to admit that he didn't know, but that I needed to give him all her vet, groomer, trainer, doggie camp, medicine, food, etc information so that he could verify that HIS name was on everything so that I woulnd't leave him AND take HIS dog. I really don't know what to do about this one, I LOVE that little girl and I picked her, found her, trained her, take care of her. She sleeps with ME. He technically paid for her and I guess the paperwork sides in his favor in terms of ownership, but according to her, she's mine. I ended up taking care of her because he doesn't have the time to, he's never home for her walks, feeding times, etc. He doesn't have enough time for himself (according to him) let alone to make sure she gets to the vet and groomer when necessary. And he spent her medicine money on FLYING. I want them both to stay with me, but I know he'll get so so so nasty if I even bring it up. I'm not sure what I can even do about it. More than anything, I know he loves her, but I want whats best for HER most of all.

I have a very similar story, reading this actually gave me the goosebumps.
When I dated the doctor who put work #1 and I slaved around the house him not appricating me, helping, contributing with meals etc ... we had a lovely dog. She was my companion, my best friend, my family... my everything.
When I worked up the balls to move out he said that she was his dog and that he was keeping her.... almost the exact speech you just had about your bf...

I then found the courage to fight for her (I didn't get the house, the car, the furniture.. nothing... even though I equally contributed)... I did not want to involve a lawyer. All I said was, "this was a gift from you to me... you might have paid for her, but I have been the only one to care for her(vet), walk her, feed her, train her, love her.. because you have been so busy with your work, she is MY family and I WILL not let you use her to attempt yo control me.

I got her, and it was worth all the materialistic things I had to offer.

In a positive light maybe by leaving the pet with him and moving out on your own will allow him to see how much effort a pet is to take care of, allowing him to appreciate your contributions even more.

Please take care and don't listen to his pathetic attempt for control.

******hugs******* It will be good. I promise.

I don't think I have anything to offer him in exchange for them both (other than giving him the money he paid for her). All the furniture we have is his and came with him into the relationship. All of mine was disposed of since it was 'less nice' and we didn't have room for all of it (true). I'll be starting over 100% in terms of furnishing a new house. He paid $700 for her when we got her, I can offer him that. Technically we bought the couch set (3 piece couch, loveseat, recliner) together about 3 years ago, I could offer him my 'half' of the set to keep. The living room tables and tv stands I bought from Target at the time (inexpensive, but goes with the look of everything else that would be his. That's all the I own of what's there, half the couches and the living room tables. That and her cost is all I coudl offer. I would offer, but I don't know that he'd accept. I guess it's worth a shot.

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Do you happen to have records of all that you've spent on the dog over the course of her life? Was she a gift to you, or his dog entirely when purchased?

If you do have records, make copies. If it's HIS dog, he can reimburse you. If he doesn't want to reimburse you, then he can deduct all that you've spent from the price of the puppy. Chances are, you've spent a LOT more on her than what he originally paid to buy her.

The fair side of me says that the logical solution is you take the dog, he takes the cat. The stubborn self righteous side says screw him & take both pets.

The sneaky side says just take your cat and wait...but tell him that you want his word that he will give her to you if he decides that she's too much for him to handle. Then wait a week, maybe less. As soon as she's bugging him non stop for food/walks/attention, financially costing him for medicine/food/etc. and destroying things out of boredom, he'll let you have her.

I guess I'm all over the place here, sorry. I just feel for you. I'm REALLY glad you're standing up for yourself though and know in your heart that you're doing the right thing by moving out. I'm very proud of you for that, it's not easy!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think you should move out. If change is going to happen, its not going to happen as long as you keep living together--you will fall into the same patterns. He's just making it that much harder on you. You suggested a compromise: move out, and restructure your relationship. He turned that into an ultimatum: move out, and break up. Can you see what a mind game that is?

I can't move out (yet). Our lease isn't even up until the end of June, so it'll be early-mid June at the earliest. I was hoping that moving out and restructuring our relationship would work/help, I couldn't believe that he reacted as strongly as he did against it.

When I told my ex that I wanted a trail separation after being married for 10 years, he said flat out that he would want a divorce. I too could not understand, still don't. At that point I resigned myself to not ever being able to break free. I felt trapped and helpless. It SUCKS It took me a full 6 months to get my crap together after that and finally find the strength to do it. I was a shell of a person, bitter and unhappy, unhealthy and depressed. My kids and I deserved more than what I'd become.

I guess it's a matter of them KNOWING that you aren't happy, that they've screwed up a little too much and that the likelyhood of THEM finally being on the receiving end of devastation was too high to risk the trial separation/living apart to work on things.

I really don't understand this take. To me it is a step in the right direction towards giving him time to grow up and be independent. His actions (to me) say that that is what he wants. He's not ready to give it up, so have it. When we're both ready to move forward we can. But I can't handle being caught in the middle of feeling ready to take it on myself and him digging in his heels. I really don't understand how this isn't a good solution for us *right now*.

Dear. You have to take back the control now. Tell him - I am going to move out. This is what I think is best for both of us. If this means to you that we're broken up, then we're broken up but as far as I'm concerned, this relationship moves forward whether I'm living with you or not, and I am definitely moving out. So it's your call.


To be honest, I never thought he would agree to you continuing your relationship while you were apart. For one, why would he want things to change? You do Everything for him and give him everything he needs. The benefits you are to him - or "your actions" in his language of love - make you an endentured slave to him. Once you move out, he loses all those benefits. He loves you, but by breaking up because you move out, he's showing he loves what you do for him more.

This is the plan. Thanks iota.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It breaks my heart to think you'd let the fear of having wasted your time influence your decision. It's a "sunk cost" and you're never getting it back no matter what. The only time you can spare from waste is the time you're still burning with someone who doesn't fit you and your stage in life/needs from a partner.

It won't influence my decision. I'll be moving out. He'll be out of town all weekend so I'm just letting it rest for now. We'll talk again next week.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Even so, he hasn't been taking care of the dog this entire time and I still think it's incredibly selfish for him to get all high and mighty about the dog being HIS now.

Leave him the dog along with an itemized bill of what you've spent on the pets over the past X years. Not that he'll pay it, but maybe it will open his eyes.

Another tricky option...knowing him the way I do though, he won't bite. He's going to want something for her if I have any chance at having her. I think they only thing that will really work is to leave him my cat. I know he would be FINE with him even HAPPY, but selfish me doesn't want to give him up

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Do you happen to have records of all that you've spent on the dog over the course of her life? Was she a gift to you, or his dog entirely when purchased?

If you do have records, make copies. If it's HIS dog, he can reimburse you. If he doesn't want to reimburse you, then he can deduct all that you've spent from the price of the puppy. Chances are, you've spent a LOT more on her than what he originally paid to buy her.

The fair side of me says that the logical solution is you take the dog, he takes the cat. The stubborn self righteous side says screw him & take both pets.

The sneaky side says just take your cat and wait...but tell him that you want his word that he will give her to you if he decides that she's too much for him to handle. Then wait a week, maybe less. As soon as she's bugging him non stop for food/walks/attention, financially costing him for medicine/food/etc. and destroying things out of boredom, he'll let you have her.

I guess I'm all over the place here, sorry. I just feel for you. I'm REALLY glad you're standing up for yourself though and know in your heart that you're doing the right thing by moving out. I'm very proud of you for that, it's not easy!

You write out my thoughts almost exactly tammy! I don't have firm records, no, I could write something up that would be close to accurate and I do have vet bill and medicine bill records (food, etc I don't have receipts for, though I could dig through the last year's worth of bank statements and write down what I spent at the dog store every 4-8 weeks). I KNOW FOR A FACT that I have spent way more ON her than he spent to get her.

I'm with you, the fair thing is to put the pets where they will feel the most secure, him cat, me dog.

Selfish me wants them both. Selfish him wants them both.

Sneaky me also says keep the cat, give him the dog, wait, see, hope and pray that I'll get her back.

I do want an agreement (both ways) that if either of us ever had to give up said pet that each of us gets first dibs at taking them back before placing them in someone else's home. That seems only fair to THEM.

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay so...more thoughts.

I don't know how reasonable he is going to be about it and I know you don't either. I think you need to take some time to try to figure out if he has it in him to do something ridiculous like put her in danger (not giving her medicine, feeding her, leaving her outside all day and night w/o water) or give her away to a random person.

He needs to find a place that allows pets, so do you. Honestly he probably will not be able to do that if it's anything like our area. Rent is high, pet deposits are high. Just more thoughts. I don't think he'll honestly keep her and go through the trouble of learning everything about her, arranging proper housing, etc. if he doesn't get anything out of having her other than preventing you from having her/causing you pain.

ETA: I also think it would GREATLY increase your chances of keeping her if you were able to show him how much you've paid even in the last 12 months for her care. Put it to him as this...

"I paid approximately 1K (or whatever it was) in the last 12 months. Here's a breakdown of what the charges were for. Here's a projection of what you'll need to buy for her - shots, food, medicine, grooming, etc. Here's also a list of the things I do on a daily/weekly basis for her - brushing, walking (number of times per day), feeding (number of times and actual time of day), etc."

 

[Seattle SC]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Personally my initial thought was take the animals and run. Unless he's in an airplane over a field where you're playing catch with the dog, he seems too lazy to put any effort into finding them anyways, because that'd be work.

Being more practical though...sure, he could bring you to court and perhaps have you repay him for the cost of the animal, but if you're prepared with the argument that you've been the primary caregiver and have the best interest in the animal's wellbeing, he doesn't have a chance. Go to the vet's office and see if they have a payment record for all bills/meds etc. I would imagine they'd have copies of the cards on file, which should prove that you actually did take care of the bills (assuming it wasn't paid in cash). You also generally have to sign releases for the animals whenever they're there, and if your signature is on the forms, I would think that alone would speak for itself.

He may care for the animals, but I really think this is a last ditch effort for him to turn anything/everything against you in an effort to keep you from leaving or at least making it as horrible as possible for you to do so. You need to stand up for yourself and even more to him, because he's obviously very good at being manipulative at the times he does speak. He's making it evident that if you leave, it's over. At this point, I don't see how things could end posititively if he's already trying to fight for possessions and make it about him. Cut your losses on the things that don't matter to you so you can put the majority of your efforts on the things that do matter.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay so...more thoughts.

I don't know how reasonable he is going to be about it and I know you don't either. I think you need to take some time to try to figure out if he has it in him to do something ridiculous like put her in danger (not giving her medicine, feeding her, leaving her outside all day and night w/o water) or give her away to a random person.

He needs to find a place that allows pets, so do you. Honestly he probably will not be able to do that if it's anything like our area. Rent is high, pet deposits are high. Just more thoughts. I don't think he'll honestly keep her and go through the trouble of learning everything about her, arranging proper housing, etc. if he doesn't get anything out of having her other than preventing you from having her/causing you pain.

He definitely doesn't have anything close to that in him. He would NEVER not take care of her. He may feed her in a range of 3 hours depending on the day instead of exactly at 7 and 5 o'clock, but she would never be left outside, without food/water/medicine etc. If he didn't keep her and didn't want me to have her either his mother or father would take her (it would NOT be a random person). Both his parents have other dogs and yards. If I had to pick, I'd prefer she go to his mother if I can't have her because she has a dog of similar size, age, and grooming requirements as her so she's USED to it and she also feeds good food. His dad has three BIG dogs and feeds cheap food, and doesn't really groom at all. He does vet and medicate them and they are loved and doted on, they're just not prissy dogs.

Finding a place that allows pets around here isn't hard. Places to rent are easy to come by too. We live in a college town. Pet deposits are affordable. It really comes down to whether or not he wants her to keep her from me, or what.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm so angry for you after reading about his reaction to the talk that i'm just going to lay it out for you.
1. Call your parents, ask if you can borrow some money (if you think they can help you out) and put a deposit on the apartment (the one you loved) if it's still available.
2. Buy some cheap kitchen ware, an inflatable bed and some sheets and a blanket
3. Pack your clothes up, any of your personal affects, and get into your own apartment as soon as possible.
4. Send your portion of the rent for the next two months directly to the landlord as it is due.
5. Write a formal letter to the BF and explain that you are vacating the apartment immediately, and that this is what you need to do for you. You are sorry that he feels that there are only two choices...either you stay and keep feeling like a cleaning lady and roommate, or you are broken up. You wish that he felt differently, but it is what it is...HIS callous decision. Explain that you will be sending your portion of the rent for the remainder of the lease directly to the landlord, so as to fulfill your legal obligations to the lease. Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)
6. Once you've secured a new place to live, date the letter and mail it to him certified, return receipt.

The reason he "thanks God for you every morning." is because he's really thinking "thank GOD I don't freaking have to clean!" If he really cared that much about you, things would be very, very different. He's a self-centered selfish little prick who is no where near good enough for you, has no time for you (every weekend he makes plans that don't involve you...that's just the tip of the iceberg honey), and turned on the crocodile tears when he was faced with having to grow up (because you're such a great housekeeper).

Can I just say how much I am looking forward to an update from you a year from now when you're happy and living in your own place, and will probably have met a fantastic guy who treats you like gold. It's what you deserve.

 

[katamari]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls, your life is going to be so much better without this jerkchild in it. Stay strong

As for the dog, yes, it sucks and I hate that he is using the dog to be a childish manipulative toolbag. However, I think it is fair to request that the two of you draft an agreement (yes, with notaries or lawyers involved) that is he does take the dog, if he ever neglects it or decides to rehome it that he has to give it to you before he gives it to anyone else.

 

[confusedaisy]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)

First of all, Winks- you always get it right!! You rock!!

Second, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I agree with Winks. Trust me, I have a pup of my own and I know that if I ever had to leave her I would be devastated. She is my life and has gotten me through some rough times. But sometimes, you need to let go. I wonder if now is one of those times for you.

 

[inflorescence]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay so...more thoughts.

ETA: I also think it would GREATLY increase your chances of keeping her if you were able to show him how much you've paid even in the last 12 months for her care. Put it to him as this...

"I paid approximately 1K (or whatever it was) in the last 12 months. Here's a breakdown of what the charges were for. Here's a projection of what you'll need to buy for her - shots, food, medicine, grooming, etc. Here's also a list of the things I do on a daily/weekly basis for her - brushing, walking (number of times per day), feeding (number of times and actual time of day), etc."

Exactly, show him the bills and if he is claiming it is "his" dog and won't give it up.. make him reimburse you for being the dogs caregiver! When you show him the numbers, considering he's not the type to cough up money, or look after pets.. I bet he will get the point and allow you to have YOUR dog. Remember he is cheap.. AND lazy... you're going to be taking the "burden" off of him. (Sorry if that came off sounding mean...)

 

[inflorescence]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm so angry for you after reading about his reaction to the talk that i'm just going to lay it out for you.
1. Call your parents, ask if you can borrow some money (if you think they can help you out) and put a deposit on the apartment (the one you loved) if it's still available.
2. Buy some cheap kitchen ware, an inflatable bed and some sheets and a blanket
3. Pack your clothes up, any of your personal affects, and get into your own apartment as soon as possible.
4. Send your portion of the rent for the next two months directly to the landlord as it is due.
5. Write a formal letter to the BF and explain that you are vacating the apartment immediately, and that this is what you need to do for you. You are sorry that he feels that there are only two choices...either you stay and keep feeling like a cleaning lady and roommate, or you are broken up. You wish that he felt differently, but it is what it is...HIS callous decision. Explain that you will be sending your portion of the rent for the remainder of the lease directly to the landlord, so as to fulfill your legal obligations to the lease. Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)
6. Once you've secured a new place to live, date the letter and mail it to him certified, return receipt.
.

Excellent advice!

I did something very similar... but instead of the note I packed up all my stuff while he was at work on call for 30 hours and when he came home I sat down with him and talked about me moving out and why... with the stuff packed it shows that I wasn't just talk. I ended up buying cheap furniture but treated myself to a really nice couch to lift my spirits... I slowly replaced the cheap furniture with good stuff over the next few months-year. It's liberating and refreshing! Personally I found it difficult to consult my parents after being financially independent for six years, but they were soooo supportive and helped without a second thought.... I then felt silly for not wanting to ask for help from the start. They were so proud I got to that point on my own and so will your parents/family advicepls (they realized how much of a selfish man he was) and my mom even flew out to visit me and set up my new place.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Personally my initial thought was take the animals and run. Unless he's in an airplane over a field where you're playing catch with the dog, he seems too lazy to put any effort into finding them anyways, because that'd be work.

Being more practical though...sure, he could bring you to court and perhaps have you repay him for the cost of the animal, but if you're prepared with the argument that you've been the primary caregiver and have the best interest in the animal's wellbeing, he doesn't have a chance. Go to the vet's office and see if they have a payment record for all bills/meds etc. I would imagine they'd have copies of the cards on file, which should prove that you actually did take care of the bills (assuming it wasn't paid in cash). You also generally have to sign releases for the animals whenever they're there, and if your signature is on the forms, I would think that alone would speak for itself.

He may care for the animals, but I really think this is a last ditch effort for him to turn anything/everything against you in an effort to keep you from leaving or at least making it as horrible as possible for you to do so. You need to stand up for yourself and even more to him, because he's obviously very good at being manipulative at the times he does speak. He's making it evident that if you leave, it's over. At this point, I don't see how things could end posititively if he's already trying to fight for possessions and make it about him. Cut your losses on the things that don't matter to you so you can put the majority of your efforts on the things that do matter.

I agree, I think he’s saying it’s not fair to split them up, blah blah to try and get me to stay. I love BOTH of my babies dearly and want this to affect them as little as possible. Best case would be them both staying with me. I don’t think it’ll happen. The ONLY two things that I really want out of all we have is the pets. He could really have all the rest of it. He’s going to be adamant about keeping one of them, so at this point, I wondering which I can a) be okay losing the best, b) which will be better off staying with me.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm so angry for you after reading about his reaction to the talk that i'm just going to lay it out for you.
1. Call your parents, ask if you can borrow some money (if you think they can help you out) and put a deposit on the apartment (the one you loved) if it's still available.
2. Buy some cheap kitchen ware, an inflatable bed and some sheets and a blanket
3. Pack your clothes up, any of your personal affects, and get into your own apartment as soon as possible.
4. Send your portion of the rent for the next two months directly to the landlord as it is due.
5. Write a formal letter to the BF and explain that you are vacating the apartment immediately, and that this is what you need to do for you. You are sorry that he feels that there are only two choices...either you stay and keep feeling like a cleaning lady and roommate, or you are broken up. You wish that he felt differently, but it is what it is...HIS callous decision. Explain that you will be sending your portion of the rent for the remainder of the lease directly to the landlord, so as to fulfill your legal obligations to the lease. Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)
6. Once you've secured a new place to live, date the letter and mail it to him certified, return receipt.

The reason he "thanks God for you every morning." is because he's really thinking "thank GOD I don't freaking have to clean!" If he really cared that much about you, things would be very, very different. He's a self-centered selfish little prick who is no where near good enough for you, has no time for you (every weekend he makes plans that don't involve you...that's just the tip of the iceberg honey), and turned on the crocodile tears when he was faced with having to grow up (because you're such a great housekeeper).

Can I just say how much I am looking forward to an update from you a year from now when you're happy and living in your own place, and will probably have met a fantastic guy who treats you like gold. It's what you deserve.

Hi Winks, thanks for your input. A lot of what you have to say isn’t going to work for me. My parents are NOT in the picture and wouldn’t help me even if they could. I probably make 3 times what they make combined. That’s a useless route for me.
Most of the kitchen and bathwares are mine, it’s actual furniture that I’m lacking. It’s stickier than just leaving, we have utilities in shared names and things that need to be taken care of. I am not going to ruin my credit because he isn’t staying on top of things for the next few weeks. I really am okay, I can get through this lease and move on. I really don’t think any certified letters or anything are necessary. He may not mean what he says, either way it doesn’t matter anymore. If he does, he’ll be okay with this separation and step up to the plate, if not, I’m prepared for that too.
As far as the dog, she is a lot more than just a dog to me. I love her like a child. She is not an it, she is my dog, and she means a lot to me. I understand the expense and I did when I found her and brought her home. She will fit into my budget just fine and it is NOT hard to find apartments that allow small dogs around here. I don’t mean to come across as harsh, but my parents aren’t in my life and my dog is part of my world.

I do think you are spot on in terms of being better off in a year one way or another. I look forward to the day.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls, your life is going to be so much better without this jerkchild in it. Stay strong

As for the dog, yes, it sucks and I hate that he is using the dog to be a childish manipulative toolbag. However, I think it is fair to request that the two of you draft an agreement (yes, with notaries or lawyers involved) that is he does take the dog, if he ever neglects it or decides to rehome it that he has to give it to you before he gives it to anyone else.

Thanks katamari. I hope he’s willing to do this, there are people in my office that are legal notaries that would be happy to assist us free of charge. I know he would want me to be reciprocal if I were in the situation having to surrender a pet and would want first dibs, so I hope he’ll agree, I don’t see why he wouldn’t as we’d talked about this type of agreement before.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'd write up a detailed analysis of how much this dog is going to cost him ..... per month, per year. Make him FEEL it. Make him mentally subtract it from his Flying & Fun budget. Then see what he says about it.

Either way, I'd really try to find an apartment that accepts dogs. If you DON'T ... dollars to donuts he drops your baby off at the door one day with no notice & gets you kicked out of your new place. Or makes you find a new place for it -- HEARTBROKEN that you can't have it at your new place with you.

Agree with the folks who say MOVE OUT NOW. The delay is torture you don't need. More time for mind games. More time for guilting you (irrationally). Etc. So sorry you're going through this confusion and hurt right now. Later you'll see it is necessary to get you where you're going. It's your graduate school edumacation in Relationships.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)

First of all, Winks- you always get it right!! You rock!!

Second, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I agree with Winks. Trust me, I have a pup of my own and I know that if I ever had to leave her I would be devastated. She is my life and has gotten me through some rough times. But sometimes, you need to let go. I wonder if now is one of those times for you.

I’ll only let go if I have to, like I said just a post or so ago, she is more to me than an it or a dog. She is important to me. She fits in the budget just fine and I’m happy to have and take care of her.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay so...more thoughts.

ETA: I also think it would GREATLY increase your chances of keeping her if you were able to show him how much you've paid even in the last 12 months for her care. Put it to him as this...

"I paid approximately 1K (or whatever it was) in the last 12 months. Here's a breakdown of what the charges were for. Here's a projection of what you'll need to buy for her - shots, food, medicine, grooming, etc. Here's also a list of the things I do on a daily/weekly basis for her - brushing, walking (number of times per day), feeding (number of times and actual time of day), etc."

Exactly, show him the bills and if he is claiming it is "his" dog and won't give it up.. make him reimburse you for being the dogs caregiver! When you show him the numbers, considering he's not the type to cough up money, or look after pets.. I bet he will get the point and allow you to have YOUR dog. Remember he is cheap.. AND lazy... you're going to be taking the "burden" off of him. (Sorry if that came off sounding mean...)

I’ll see what I can come up with this, probably won’t be exact, but I can get close I’m sure.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm so angry for you after reading about his reaction to the talk that i'm just going to lay it out for you.
1. Call your parents, ask if you can borrow some money (if you think they can help you out) and put a deposit on the apartment (the one you loved) if it's still available.
2. Buy some cheap kitchen ware, an inflatable bed and some sheets and a blanket
3. Pack your clothes up, any of your personal affects, and get into your own apartment as soon as possible.
4. Send your portion of the rent for the next two months directly to the landlord as it is due.
5. Write a formal letter to the BF and explain that you are vacating the apartment immediately, and that this is what you need to do for you. You are sorry that he feels that there are only two choices...either you stay and keep feeling like a cleaning lady and roommate, or you are broken up. You wish that he felt differently, but it is what it is...HIS callous decision. Explain that you will be sending your portion of the rent for the remainder of the lease directly to the landlord, so as to fulfill your legal obligations to the lease. Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)
6. Once you've secured a new place to live, date the letter and mail it to him certified, return receipt.
.

Excellent advice!

I did something very similar... but instead of the note I packed up all my stuff while he was at work on call for 30 hours and when he came home I sat down with him and talked about me moving out and why... with the stuff packed it shows that I wasn't just talk. I ended up buying cheap furniture but treated myself to a really nice couch to lift my spirits... I slowly replaced the cheap furniture with good stuff over the next few months-year. It's liberating and refreshing! Personally I found it difficult to consult my parents after being financially independent for six years, but they were soooo supportive and helped without a second thought.... I then felt silly for not wanting to ask for help from the start. They were so proud I got to that point on my own and so will your parents/family advicepls (they realized how much of a selfish man he was) and my mom even flew out to visit me and set up my new place.

My parents aren’t capable of helping. But I can do this on my own (with my friends).

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'd write up a detailed analysis of how much this dog is going to cost him ..... per month, per year. Make him FEEL it. Make him mentally subtract it from his Flying & Fun budget. Then see what he says about it.

Either way, I'd really try to find an apartment that accepts dogs. If you DON'T ... dollars to donuts he drops your baby off at the door one day with no notice & gets you kicked out of your new place. Or makes you find a new place for it -- HEARTBROKEN that you can't have it at your new place with you.

Agree with the folks who say MOVE OUT NOW. The delay is torture you don't need. More time for mind games. More time for guilting you (irrationally). Etc. So sorry you're going through this confusion and hurt right now. Later you'll see it is necessary to get you where you're going. It's your graduate school edumacation in Relationships.

I’ll need a place that allows pets anyway, and she’s a small dog so size wise I’m not going to have trouble finding a place that allows both (whether for off the bat, or just in case).

Thanks again deco!

 

[confusedaisy]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)

First of all, Winks- you always get it right!! You rock!!

Second, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I agree with Winks. Trust me, I have a pup of my own and I know that if I ever had to leave her I would be devastated. She is my life and has gotten me through some rough times. But sometimes, you need to let go. I wonder if now is one of those times for you.

I’ll only let go if I have to, like I said just a post or so ago, she is more to me than an it or a dog. She is important to me. She fits in the budget just fine and I’m happy to have and take care of her.

Advice- I certainly didn't mean to offend you in any way- I know she's not an it- I've had my girl for the past 8 years and couldn't think of being without her. What I'm saying is, if at any point you find that the last battle at the end of the relationship is because of her, then you may need to let go. I'm all for a fight (I love my bf but I even told him early on that no matter how close he grew to my girl, if we were ever to break up she would be mine!) but I'm just preparing you for the chance that you may need to walk away from her so you can start over on your own.