Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)

First of all, Winks- you always get it right!! You rock!!

Second, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I agree with Winks. Trust me, I have a pup of my own and I know that if I ever had to leave her I would be devastated. She is my life and has gotten me through some rough times. But sometimes, you need to let go. I wonder if now is one of those times for you.

I’ll only let go if I have to, like I said just a post or so ago, she is more to me than an it or a dog. She is important to me. She fits in the budget just fine and I’m happy to have and take care of her.

Advice- I certainly didn't mean to offend you in any way- I know she's not an it- I've had my girl for the past 8 years and couldn't think of being without her. What I'm saying is, if at any point you find that the last battle at the end of the relationship is because of her, then you may need to let go. I'm all for a fight (I love my bf but I even told him early on that no matter how close he grew to my girl, if we were ever to break up she would be mine!) but I'm just preparing you for the chance that you may need to walk away from her so you can start over on your own.

It's okay, I didn't mean to be so touchy about it either. It's just hard to think about not coming home to her and I guess I was surprised that a few PSers adviced as just getting rid of it, let him have it, etc. Ultimately we need to do what's best for both of them. I honestly think (though it would break.my.heart) is to let him take the cat, and have me keep the dog with the agreement in place that if either of us ever need an out, that we go to the other first. I wonder if I shouldn't start with letting him take her, keeping the cat, and check in a few weeks/months to see how it's going. If it's going well, I can drop it. If not, I can try to get her back without giving him the cat. If he won't go for it, maybe that would be the time to agree to trade in their best interest?

 

[confusedaisy]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)

First of all, Winks- you always get it right!! You rock!!

Second, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I agree with Winks. Trust me, I have a pup of my own and I know that if I ever had to leave her I would be devastated. She is my life and has gotten me through some rough times. But sometimes, you need to let go. I wonder if now is one of those times for you.

I’ll only let go if I have to, like I said just a post or so ago, she is more to me than an it or a dog. She is important to me. She fits in the budget just fine and I’m happy to have and take care of her.

Advice- I certainly didn't mean to offend you in any way- I know she's not an it- I've had my girl for the past 8 years and couldn't think of being without her. What I'm saying is, if at any point you find that the last battle at the end of the relationship is because of her, then you may need to let go. I'm all for a fight (I love my bf but I even told him early on that no matter how close he grew to my girl, if we were ever to break up she would be mine!) but I'm just preparing you for the chance that you may need to walk away from her so you can start over on your own.

It's okay, I didn't mean to be so touchy about it either. It's just hard to think about not coming home to her and I guess I was surprised that a few PSers adviced as just getting rid of it, let him have it, etc. Ultimately we need to do what's best for both of them. I honestly think (though it would break.my.heart) is to let him take the cat, and have me keep the dog with the agreement in place that if either of us ever need an out, that we go to the other first. I wonder if I shouldn't start with letting him take her, keeping the cat, and check in a few weeks/months to see how it's going. If it's going well, I can drop it. If not, I can try to get her back without giving him the cat. If he won't go for it, maybe that would be the time to agree to trade in their best interest?

I know- she's your baby!! I completely feel your pain!! I just don't want him to manipulate you and use the animals against you. I just wanted you to be able to walk out the door if you needed to (even though it would be so tough).

However, your first plan should be to try and get both of them. I think a lot of the other ladies gave you a few tactics you could use (I like the one where you lay out all you've done/paid and how much it will cost him to keep her and see if he budges any). If he won't budge and you're not willing to leave the cat, then your only choice is to leave the dog with him and see if he would be willing to pass her along to you if he couldn't handle her anymore. The only red flag I see with this is him using her as a way to weasel back into your life when you move out. Otherwise, if you can handle losing the cat, the easiest split might be giving him the cat and keeping the dog. Clean break.

Good luck! I'm so thinking of you and feeling for you! HUGS!!!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)

First of all, Winks- you always get it right!! You rock!!

Second, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I agree with Winks. Trust me, I have a pup of my own and I know that if I ever had to leave her I would be devastated. She is my life and has gotten me through some rough times. But sometimes, you need to let go. I wonder if now is one of those times for you.

I’ll only let go if I have to, like I said just a post or so ago, she is more to me than an it or a dog. She is important to me. She fits in the budget just fine and I’m happy to have and take care of her.

Advice- I certainly didn't mean to offend you in any way- I know she's not an it- I've had my girl for the past 8 years and couldn't think of being without her. What I'm saying is, if at any point you find that the last battle at the end of the relationship is because of her, then you may need to let go. I'm all for a fight (I love my bf but I even told him early on that no matter how close he grew to my girl, if we were ever to break up she would be mine!) but I'm just preparing you for the chance that you may need to walk away from her so you can start over on your own.

It's okay, I didn't mean to be so touchy about it either. It's just hard to think about not coming home to her and I guess I was surprised that a few PSers adviced as just getting rid of it, let him have it, etc. Ultimately we need to do what's best for both of them. I honestly think (though it would break.my.heart) is to let him take the cat, and have me keep the dog with the agreement in place that if either of us ever need an out, that we go to the other first. I wonder if I shouldn't start with letting him take her, keeping the cat, and check in a few weeks/months to see how it's going. If it's going well, I can drop it. If not, I can try to get her back without giving him the cat. If he won't go for it, maybe that would be the time to agree to trade in their best interest?

I know- she's your baby!! I completely feel your pain!! I just don't want him to manipulate you and use the animals against you. I just wanted you to be able to walk out the door if you needed to (even though it would be so tough).

However, your first plan should be to try and get both of them. I think a lot of the other ladies gave you a few tactics you could use (I like the one where you lay out all you've done/paid and how much it will cost him to keep her and see if he budges any). If he won't budge and you're not willing to leave the cat, then your only choice is to leave the dog with him and see if he would be willing to pass her along to you if he couldn't handle her anymore. The only red flag I see with this is him using her as a way to weasel back into your life when you move out. Otherwise, if you can handle losing the cat, the easiest split might be giving him the cat and keeping the dog. Clean break.

Good luck! I'm so thinking of you and feeling for you! HUGS!!!

I'll stay strong, I know I need to leave regardless of 'the kids'. It'll be okay, I know he'd never harm either of them. I think this bridge will just have to be crossed when it's time to start separating things.

 

[inflorescence]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)

First of all, Winks- you always get it right!! You rock!!

Second, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I agree with Winks. Trust me, I have a pup of my own and I know that if I ever had to leave her I would be devastated. She is my life and has gotten me through some rough times. But sometimes, you need to let go. I wonder if now is one of those times for you.

I’ll only let go if I have to, like I said just a post or so ago, she is more to me than an it or a dog. She is important to me. She fits in the budget just fine and I’m happy to have and take care of her.

She's family

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also let him know that you are relinquishing ownership of the dog to him, since it means so much to him. (You're better off without it, trust me....big expense, hard to find apartments that allow dogs.)

First of all, Winks- you always get it right!! You rock!!

Second, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I agree with Winks. Trust me, I have a pup of my own and I know that if I ever had to leave her I would be devastated. She is my life and has gotten me through some rough times. But sometimes, you need to let go. I wonder if now is one of those times for you.

I’ll only let go if I have to, like I said just a post or so ago, she is more to me than an it or a dog. She is important to me. She fits in the budget just fine and I’m happy to have and take care of her.

She's family

She absolutely is.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Well, you can always play the "since you really don't have time for me, I can't imagine you having time everyday to walk _______, so she's coming with me." Or you simply tell him straight out that your furbabies are moving with you. End of subject. Don't let him debate it, don't let him strongarm you into leaving them behind.

I know you are hopeful that when you move out that the two of you can continue dating. My question to you is why? You've lived together, and obviously it is not working. What makes you think he's going to act any different towards you when it's "not in his nature." Men don't change. They're kinda like used cars. You get 'em as you find 'em...dents and all. I know you've been together for 5 and a half years, and while you may think that's not a long time it is. It's what you've known for that period of time. It's always sad when a relationship ends, but as someone else said you can't be with the right man as long as you're with the wrong one.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know you are hopeful that when you move out that the two of you can continue dating. My question to you is why? You've lived together, and obviously it is not working. What makes you think he's going to act any different towards you when it's "not in his nature." Men don't change. They're kinda like used cars. You get 'em as you find 'em...dents and all. I know you've been together for 5 and a half years, and while you may think that's not a long time it is. It's what you've known for that period of time. It's always sad when a relationship ends, but as someone else said you can't be with the right man as long as you're with the wrong one.

Ditto. I chimed in like 10 pages ago saying you should just flat out leave and since then you've posted more and more of the jerky things he's said and done and yet your plan remains the same - to see if you can work it out once you move out. I think it's clear that he's not the one for you. Clear is an understatement. I'd say it's glaringly obvious, even to people that have never met either of you in real life. This is already a lost cause in my opinion, and the sooner you just flat out breakup, the sooner you can have a positive, fulfilling life with someone else.

As far as the pets, as Wink's said, I'd just take them. Let him be the one to take you to court (guessing he won't spend the time or money) if he really wants a pet custody agreement (they do exist!).

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Well, you can always play the "since you really don't have time for me, I can't imagine you having time everyday to walk _______, so she's coming with me." Or you simply tell him straight out that your furbabies are moving with you. End of subject. Don't let him debate it, don't let him strongarm you into leaving them behind.

I know you are hopeful that when you move out that the two of you can continue dating. My question to you is why? You've lived together, and obviously it is not working. What makes you think he's going to act any different towards you when it's "not in his nature." Men don't change. They're kinda like used cars. You get 'em as you find 'em...dents and all. I know you've been together for 5 and a half years, and while you may think that's not a long time it is. It's what you've known for that period of time. It's always sad when a relationship ends, but as someone else said you can't be with the right man as long as you're with the wrong one.

I'm not sure how the pet thing is going to go down just yet. I'm inclined to gather all the information (like everyone suggested) and makes copies of vet bills, groomer tickets, training, a schedule of walks, feeds, baths, medicine, info on where to buy her food, medicine, the vet office, etc. And give him a BINDER of informaiton on what he needs to do and what it costs, etc. Let him take her and keep my cat. I'd hope the within a few weeks-months he's not handling it well and that I can end up with both of them. If it's going swimmingly and she's fine, then I guess that's okay too. I'm crushed at the thought of giving up my cat even though I know deep down he'd prefer to stay with BF, but ideally I'd like the pets to end up together (with me). Only time will tell, I'm trying to listen to my head on this one and not my heart. I need to do what's best for the furbabies.

As far as why I'd like to continue dating...I know he look so bad based on what I've written, but he's really not a bad guy. I honestly think that a lot of our problems stem from maturity issues. I've been independent of my parents sinec I was 15 years old. I feel like I'm a lot more mature than (practically) anyone my age and that I am ready to be in the next stage of my life. I KNOW he is not. I think he wants to be, but it really comes down to him not being ready. I respect that he isn't ready. We're only 24! I know we've been dating a long time, but we are JUST 24. I am seriously in NO rush. I feel like neither of us have really gotten a chance to live independently and have to mature into ourselves. Living together from such a young age I feel inhibited the growth of our relationship because it inhibited our individual growth. I talked to him about this the other night and said that honestly felt he just wasn't ready to be at this stage yet. His silence told me that was true. I know he loves me, I know he wants to do this, but I also know that he is a stubborn, selfish, 24 year old boy who isn't ready. Will living apart solve anything? Honestly, I don't know. But at least (for me) it's a step towards regaining my own independence and I can go from there to see whether or not he wants this enough to make me a priority in his life. As others have pointed out, his actions after I finalize plans to move out will tell me if this is what he wants. You guys probably think it's crazy, but a lot of the things he's done is out of selfish immaturity. If he's anything like he's father, and so far, he's mostly followed in his footsteps, he WILL grow out of it given some tough love and a chance to grow and change for HIMSELF. If we still fit into each other's lives, great, if not, at least we'll know.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know you are hopeful that when you move out that the two of you can continue dating. My question to you is why? You've lived together, and obviously it is not working. What makes you think he's going to act any different towards you when it's "not in his nature." Men don't change. They're kinda like used cars. You get 'em as you find 'em...dents and all. I know you've been together for 5 and a half years, and while you may think that's not a long time it is. It's what you've known for that period of time. It's always sad when a relationship ends, but as someone else said you can't be with the right man as long as you're with the wrong one.

Ditto. I chimed in like 10 pages ago saying you should just flat out leave and since then you've posted more and more of the jerky things he's said and done and yet your plan remains the same - to see if you can work it out once you move out. I think it's clear that he's not the one for you. Clear is an understatement. I'd say it's glaringly obvious, even to people that have never met either of you in real life. This is already a lost cause in my opinion, and the sooner you just flat out breakup, the sooner you can have a positive, fulfilling life with someone else.

As far as the pets, as Wink's said, I'd just take them. Let him be the one to take you to court (guessing he won't spend the time or money) if he really wants a pet custody agreement (they do exist!).

Ditto all of this. I think once you move out you will realize that you really just aren't a good match. You will see each other less and less and it will just end.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know you are hopeful that when you move out that the two of you can continue dating. My question to you is why? You've lived together, and obviously it is not working. What makes you think he's going to act any different towards you when it's "not in his nature." Men don't change. They're kinda like used cars. You get 'em as you find 'em...dents and all. I know you've been together for 5 and a half years, and while you may think that's not a long time it is. It's what you've known for that period of time. It's always sad when a relationship ends, but as someone else said you can't be with the right man as long as you're with the wrong one.

Ditto. I chimed in like 10 pages ago saying you should just flat out leave and since then you've posted more and more of the jerky things he's said and done and yet your plan remains the same - to see if you can work it out once you move out. I think it's clear that he's not the one for you. Clear is an understatement. I'd say it's glaringly obvious, even to people that have never met either of you in real life. This is already a lost cause in my opinion, and the sooner you just flat out breakup, the sooner you can have a positive, fulfilling life with someone else.

As far as the pets, as Wink's said, I'd just take them. Let him be the one to take you to court (guessing he won't spend the time or money) if he really wants a pet custody agreement (they do exist!).

Hi sonnyjane. I think I mostly responded to everything in my post to Winkself. As I explained to others, I don't know what will happen with the pets just yet, they will not be mistreated or unloved whichever one he ends up with, so I just don't feel court is necessary. We'll talk about what's best for them when we get to that point and see where the convo goes.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know you are hopeful that when you move out that the two of you can continue dating. My question to you is why? You've lived together, and obviously it is not working. What makes you think he's going to act any different towards you when it's "not in his nature." Men don't change. They're kinda like used cars. You get 'em as you find 'em...dents and all. I know you've been together for 5 and a half years, and while you may think that's not a long time it is. It's what you've known for that period of time. It's always sad when a relationship ends, but as someone else said you can't be with the right man as long as you're with the wrong one.

Ditto. I chimed in like 10 pages ago saying you should just flat out leave and since then you've posted more and more of the jerky things he's said and done and yet your plan remains the same - to see if you can work it out once you move out. I think it's clear that he's not the one for you. Clear is an understatement. I'd say it's glaringly obvious, even to people that have never met either of you in real life. This is already a lost cause in my opinion, and the sooner you just flat out breakup, the sooner you can have a positive, fulfilling life with someone else.

As far as the pets, as Wink's said, I'd just take them. Let him be the one to take you to court (guessing he won't spend the time or money) if he really wants a pet custody agreement (they do exist!).

Ditoo all of this. I think once you move out you will realize that you really just aren't a good match. You will see each other less and less and it will just end.

amc - this may very well be true. Time will tell. My first step is to get into my own place. I'm HOPING to find something furnished so that I don't have to pony up a ton of money to get situated off the bat, if not, I'll start with a bed and move on from there.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know he loves me, I know he wants to do this, but I also know that he is a stubborn, selfish, 24 year old boy who isn't ready.

Age and maturity are not necessarily the same thing. I know 35 year old men that act like 16 year old boys, yet my husband married me when he was 23 (I was 25) and he is one of the most mature, responsible, and independent men that I know. Being 24 doesn't give him an excuse for treating you the way he has. Being 24 doesn't entitle someone to be selfish or stubborn. In my experience, good eggs can grow into better eggs but bad eggs just turn more rotten.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know he loves me, I know he wants to do this, but I also know that he is a stubborn, selfish, 24 year old boy who isn't ready.

Age and maturity are not necessarily the same thing. I know 35 year old men that act like 16 year old boys, yet my husband married me when he was 23 (I was 25) and he is one of the most mature, responsible, and independent men that I know. Being 24 doesn't give him an excuse for treating you the way he has. Being 24 doesn't entitle someone to be selfish or stubborn. In my experience, good eggs can grow into better eggs but bad eggs just turn more rotten.

Understood, and agreed. I didn't mean for the sterotype to spread so widely, but I feel he really does fall into this category. I, too, know men like your husband that were ready at a young age. My BIL is one of them, he and my younger sister married right out of high school and have a beautiful 1 year old baby girl. They've been together 6 years, married almost for 3. My BF is, not. From the very beginning he talked about a majority of his 20s being devoted to experiencing everything he can and living to have fun. He knows that when he finishes school time will not allow for him to just do anything. His job will be demanding and he wants to have fun while he's young and (semi)unattached. I can understand that. I just need him to undestand that I'm not going to act like his wife (anymore) in the meantime.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

First of all ((hugs))!!! You already know what to do. Unfortunately, some people are just not well suited for each other, no matter what changes are made. What is boring to one guy, is fabulous to another. A leopard can't change his spots. You will make a great wife to someone someday, to the right guy. It takes two to tango, if you pick the wrong partner, a simple willingness to help out, becomes enabling, and it only goes down hill from there. Watch the show "Intervention". Your guy is not on drugs, like these people, but to me, the basic thing I see is how good people get eaten alive by the broken people they love so much, and don't want to hurt, by standing up and saying "enough is enough". And how some people use kindness as a weakness. Whether they are an addict of just selfish, the end result is still the same when it comes to how it hurts the people that help them.

Moving to the next faze in your life may be an uphill battle, be strong and be prepared! You can do it!!! It's worth it!!

I hope the custody arrangement with your babies works out for you!!! If he really loves your puppy, he won't want to tear her away from her Mom.

I too was in the "I can't leave this guy who's bad for me" club. Only I married mine, and, no surprise, things never got better. You've only spent 5 years, embarrassingly enough, I stayed more than 10. I didn't use the words "wasted 10 years", because what I learned about life and myself was invaluable. I am much stronger and savvy. It's been 21 years now, since I left. I started dating my now husband over 17 years ago. There IS "life after the ex"!!! I'm just mentioning this so that you don't take my comments as judging. Heck, I took forever to wise up and take my life back. You are already on the right track!!! Hooray for you!!!!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Understood, and agreed. I didn't mean for the sterotype to spread so widely, but I feel he really does fall into this category. I, too, know men like your husband that were ready at a young age. My BIL is one of them, he and my younger sister married right out of high school and have a beautiful 1 year old baby girl. They've been together 6 years, married almost for 3. My BF is, not. From the very beginning he talked about a majority of his 20s being devoted to experiencing everything he can and living to have fun. He knows that when he finishes school time will not allow for him to just do anything. His job will be demanding and he wants to have fun while he's young and (semi)unattached. I can understand that. I just need him to undestand that I'm not going to act like his wife (anymore) in the meantime.

Okay, if this is the case the two of you really should NOT be living together, and he's been stringing you along. That statement absolutely supports the thinking that he's using you for a cleaning lady and to handle the mundane chores he doesn't want to do. Quite frankly, once I heard that he makes plans without you every weekend, I have been wondering if he's even faithful to you. Happy men, married engaged or otherwise in a relationship, do not make plans every weekend that take up a good portion of their weekend and do not include their significant other.

By any chance is your man the youngest child of the family? He really sounds like he is (and that is not meant to be a jab, just an observation).

What are you supposed to do? Wait around for the next 6-8 years while he sews his wild oats and finally comes around to being mature enough to decide whether or not he wants kids and marriage? What if something happens and you CAN'T have kids by the time you're in your mid 30's? The resentment alone will drive an irreparable rift between the two of you. You are already way more mature than he is, and women at your age are generally a bit more mature than guys of your age. Combine that with being on your own for the past 9 years, and you have the maturity level of a woman closer to 30 than 20. Even still, you are going through your own metamorphosis and maturing to the point that you crave a greater level of respect, independence, and that is positive growth. It hurts because women, as a species very different from men, want our partners to be on the same page as we are. When that is just not possible, it hurts. That's why it's called growing pains.

No matter what happens, no matter what you decide, I'll be here cheering you on.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Understood, and agreed. I didn't mean for the sterotype to spread so widely, but I feel he really does fall into this category. I, too, know men like your husband that were ready at a young age. My BIL is one of them, he and my younger sister married right out of high school and have a beautiful 1 year old baby girl. They've been together 6 years, married almost for 3. My BF is, not. From the very beginning he talked about a majority of his 20s being devoted to experiencing everything he can and living to have fun. He knows that when he finishes school time will not allow for him to just do anything. His job will be demanding and he wants to have fun while he's young and (semi)unattached. I can understand that. I just need him to undestand that I'm not going to act like his wife (anymore) in the meantime.

Okay, if this is the case the two of you really should NOT be living together, and he's been stringing you along. That statement absolutely supports the thinking that he's using you for a cleaning lady and to handle the mundane chores he doesn't want to do. Quite frankly, once I heard that he makes plans without you every weekend, I have been wondering if he's even faithful to you. Happy men, married engaged or otherwise in a relationship, do not make plans every weekend that take up a good portion of their weekend and do not include their significant other.

By any chance is your man the youngest child of the family? He really sounds like he is (and that is not meant to be a jab, just an observation).

What are you supposed to do? Wait around for the next 6-8 years while he sews his wild oats and finally comes around to being mature enough to decide whether or not he wants kids and marriage? What if something happens and you CAN'T have kids by the time you're in your mid 30's? The resentment alone will drive an irreparable rift between the two of you. You are already way more mature than he is, and women at your age are generally a bit more mature than guys of your age. Combine that with being on your own for the past 9 years, and you have the maturity level of a woman closer to 30 than 20. Even still, you are going through your own metamorphosis and maturing to the point that you crave a greater level of respect, independence, and that is positive growth. It hurts because women, as a species very different from men, want our partners to be on the same page as we are. When that is just not possible, it hurts. That's why it's called growing pains.

No matter what happens, no matter what you decide, I'll be here cheering you on.

I don't think he's been stringing me along, I think we BOTH got comfortable with how things were and forgot ourselves in the process. He usually has at least 1 day per weekend that he does something, I am ALWAYS invited, but usually choose not to go (like flying, don't really care for it or when they're at races for his engineering team, all boys, hot, long day in the sun, meh). I have absolutely zero doubt in my mind that he has been 100% faithful. He is NOT the type to cheat. I've never fretted over that for even a single second in the last 5 1/2 years.

He is actually the oldest child (of 2). His younger sibling is an abject failure at life (sounds mean, but seriously...).

I've been very clear with him from the beginning that marriage is something I EVENTUALLY want and that I will not wait around forever/be okay with just living together eternally. That said, I am willing to give us time see if it can turn around (living apart). If he feels so strongly that we can't be together not living togehter, I'll have to deal with that. If he loves me as much as he says he does, this won't be over becaues I take back some of the control/independence.

We'll see where it goes. He's at a conference this weekend, leaving later this afternoon and will be back Sunday some time. In the meantime I am through round 2 of exams for the semester and only have a tiny bit of homework to do this weekend. It's about time my friend and I have some time to catch up on the last 5 episodes of Biggest Loser (we love that show!).

Thanks for the support, it means a lot.

 

[Pandora II]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Honestly, I don't think your boyfriend is a 'bad' person. He sounds like a pretty normal 24 year-old to me. The problem is that he is trying to live in a more serious and mature relationship than he is really ready for. Normally it would be the mother complaining that her son treated the place like a hotel, was constantly expecting her to cook, buy his toiletries, do the washing-up etc. The part that sucks is that he's not man enough to admit that he is treating you like mummy and get himself out of the relationship so that he can be completely irresponsible without hurting someone else or treating them like a servant. Unfortunately you've been landed with the surrogate mother with added benefits role.

I'm sure in 10 years time he will become a decent member of the human race and probably a great husband, father etc - but he's not nearly ready for that yet or for some time.

When I look at my brother, my husband and his friends, none of them were marrying material until they turned 30. Granted, some of them still aren't and are creeping up to 40 (I doubt they will ever get there!)

I'd put money on your bf not cheating on you - I think he's just too busy having fun flying, networking etc

People do grow out of each other, especially at this stage of your lives. It's always horrible splitting up, but doesn't mean the people involved are necessarily horrible. Your BF is guilty of being thoughtless, saying some mean things and taking you for granted and you should 100% get the heck out, but it doesn't mean that he won't eventually grow-up. I just think it will be too late for you.

 

[iota15]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Don't give him both pets. Keep the dog. Give him the cat.

If you let him have both, you never know if you'll end up with both. He could get mad and leave it with his mom. Having possession of at least one pet puts you in a much stronger position. Maybe he'll tire of taking care of the cat. I certainly wouldn't let him have both of the bat though.

 

[swingirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Honestly, I don't think your boyfriend is a 'bad' person. He sounds like a pretty normal 24 year-old to me. The problem is that he is trying to live in a more serious and mature relationship than he is really ready for. Normally it would be the mother complaining that her son treated the place like a hotel, was constantly expecting her to cook, buy his toiletries, do the washing-up etc. The part that sucks is that he's not man enough to admit that he is treating you like mummy and get himself out of the relationship so that he can be completely irresponsible without hurting someone else or treating them like a servant. Unfortunately you've been landed with the surrogate mother with added benefits role.

So true.

 

[panda08]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I had the same situation with the dog when my ex and I broke up. We adopted the dog together but I was the one who trained her, walked her, etc. He used to complain about how the dog loved me more. When we broke up, I reluctantly left the dog with him. He had a large house with a spacious yard and I was moving into a place that did not allow pets. It was hard. Initially, I visited but that made things awkward with the ex and I needed distance from him. I haven't seen either since.

However, the pet situation can work out. My DH and his ex are an example. He and his ex shared custody of their two dogs for several years after their breakup. They loved their dogs and put their needs first. Initially, they would argue, as they were adjusting to a different relationship. Eventually, things mellowed out and now it's pretty good. They both moved on to other relationships. We now have custody of the dogs full time; she's free to come over whenever to visit or to take the dogs to her place for how ever long she wants. She's willing to dog sit for us when we're out of town. Her and her boyfriend have been over to our house. Some of my friends think it's weird but it works for us and the pooches are happy.

I hope you're able to work out the pet situation. He's just lashing out right now. Sure, it's immature but it's understandable. Maybe you guys will be like my ex and I. Or maybe you guys will be like DH and his ex. Either way, the pets may complicate the situation but the break up is inevitable.

I agree with the others that your BF isn't ready for a committed relationship but that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad guy. If there's one thing I learned in my years of dating, it's that timing is (almost) everything. My college BF and I were a great match but we were young, he went off to medical school and I went off to law school and the timing just wasn't right. When I met DH, things just clicked and we were engaged within 6 months of dating.

Hang in there! It's hard now but years down the road, you'll look back, shake your head and wonder what took you so long to leave him.

 

[wwmd8118]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advice, I just have to say that these pets posts just break my heart. I don't know if my response is the *right thing* to do, but I can only say it is what I would do (and did). You take care of the pets - they go with you. If he has a fight in him to fight for them (which I don't think he will), then cross that bridge then...but I think he's using them now to get to you but won't really invest the time or money to deal with the reality of getting them back or having them. I'm saying this from personal (similar) experience. I lived with an ex for a year and at the beginning of that year, we got a puppy together - went through the whole process of picking her out, going to puppy school, house training her, etc. Then things went south, and we broke up a year later. I moved out with the dog without thinking twice. Not only did I love my dog like a child, but I took care of her! I fed her, took her to the vet, took her to the groomer, etc. I'm not saying she would be mistreated if I left her, but she wouldn't be as well off as she is with me. And I couldn't imagine not having her with me. And that little pup went on to help me get through that incredibly difficult break up. I ran into the ex once at the beach when I had the dog with me and he told me that was the hardest part for him, but he went out and got his own dog a couple years later when he was ready. For different reasons, the move out, break up and separation of pets were hard for both of us....but we both got past it in the way we needed to. So, like I said in the beginning of this post, I don't know if this is the *right thing* to do....but it's what I did and I haven't regretted it once. Good luck, and as always, I'm sending big hugs your way.

 

[marymm]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The guy cannot be trusted to keep to any agreement you may think you create with him about the dog or the cat - he hasn't kept to any agreement you two have made together. You say he can be trusted to take care of the dog, but really, he doesn't know any of the info re: vet, medicine, etc? How is this the behavior of someone who loves and values his pet? You know it isn't.

I've followed this entire thread - at best, this guy is like fair weather friend - more realistically, as many others have repeatedly pointed out, he is a taker and a user - I do not believe it is simply a matter of immaturity based on age/experience.

You keep saying you love the guy, you love the dog - you already know love isn't enough; action is.

If I were you, I would for once believe what he says -- he is not willing to do anything to fix the relationship, now or in the future -- he has no interest in your happiness. He is holding the dog as a hostage - if he truly valued the dog, he would already know the vet and the medicine and everything required for the dog's health and care.

If it were me, I would take both pets. It is 99% unlikely he will pursue the issue further. He is willing to break up with you if you move out; I don't really see anything in his character that says he will take any steps to regain possession of either pet. And in the extremely unlikely event he did rouse himself to action on behalf of his dog, based on facts alone, you would win any court case.

Don't make your separation about the pets. If it goes against the grain for you to take both pets, then you'll have to suck it up and leave the dog. But please please please don't leave the dog thinking you and he will be able to agree on some sort of shared custody of the dog -- if any arrangement would be made, you can be certain your role would be pet caretaker and his role would be owner. And do I have to mention how insulting and demoralizing it would be if he was willing to continuing a relationship with you after you moved out based on you taking care of his dog, but not based on fixing your relationship?

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

First of all ((hugs))!!! You already know what to do. Unfortunately, some people are just not well suited for each other, no matter what changes are made. What is boring to one guy, is fabulous to another. A leopard can't change his spots. You will make a great wife to someone someday, to the right guy. It takes two to tango, if you pick the wrong partner, a simple willingness to help out, becomes enabling, and it only goes down hill from there. Watch the show "Intervention". Your guy is not on drugs, like these people, but to me, the basic thing I see is how good people get eaten alive by the broken people they love so much, and don't want to hurt, by standing up and saying "enough is enough". And how some people use kindness as a weakness. Whether they are an addict of just selfish, the end result is still the same when it comes to how it hurts the people that help them.

Moving to the next faze in your life may be an uphill battle, be strong and be prepared! You can do it!!! It's worth it!!

I hope the custody arrangement with your babies works out for you!!! If he really loves your puppy, he won't want to tear her away from her Mom.

I too was in the "I can't leave this guy who's bad for me" club. Only I married mine, and, no surprise, things never got better. You've only spent 5 years, embarrassingly enough, I stayed more than 10. I didn't use the words "wasted 10 years", because what I learned about life and myself was invaluable. I am much stronger and savvy. It's been 21 years now, since I left. I started dating my now husband over 17 years ago. There IS "life after the ex"!!! I'm just mentioning this so that you don't take my comments as judging. Heck, I took forever to wise up and take my life back. You are already on the right track!!! Hooray for you!!!!

Thank you, you're right. I think what I'm most heartbroken about is the pets. I feel like my cat will not be upset to lose me, but the dog will. So I'm leaning towards trading him, but it chokes me up still because I can't imagine not having both of my babies.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Honestly, I don't think your boyfriend is a 'bad' person. He sounds like a pretty normal 24 year-old to me. The problem is that he is trying to live in a more serious and mature relationship than he is really ready for. Normally it would be the mother complaining that her son treated the place like a hotel, was constantly expecting her to cook, buy his toiletries, do the washing-up etc. The part that sucks is that he's not man enough to admit that he is treating you like mummy and get himself out of the relationship so that he can be completely irresponsible without hurting someone else or treating them like a servant. Unfortunately you've been landed with the surrogate mother with added benefits role.

I'm sure in 10 years time he will become a decent member of the human race and probably a great husband, father etc - but he's not nearly ready for that yet or for some time.

When I look at my brother, my husband and his friends, none of them were marrying material until they turned 30. Granted, some of them still aren't and are creeping up to 40 (I doubt they will ever get there!)

I'd put money on your bf not cheating on you - I think he's just too busy having fun flying, networking etc

People do grow out of each other, especially at this stage of your lives. It's always horrible splitting up, but doesn't mean the people involved are necessarily horrible. Your BF is guilty of being thoughtless, saying some mean things and taking you for granted and you should 100% get the heck out, but it doesn't mean that he won't eventually grow-up. I just think it will be too late for you.

You're right, he's not a bad guy. He IS being the typical 24 year old boy. And you are saying exactly what I told him - he's not ready to be in this grown up relationship. And I'm afraid you're right, that he's not going to grow up anytime soon, with or without me in the picture.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Don't give him both pets. Keep the dog. Give him the cat.

If you let him have both, you never know if you'll end up with both. He could get mad and leave it with his mom. Having possession of at least one pet puts you in a much stronger position. Maybe he'll tire of taking care of the cat. I certainly wouldn't let him have both of the bat though.

I DEFINITELY won't be giving him both pets, that was NEVER the plan. I'm trying to decide WHICH pet to give him. I'm leaning towards keeping the dog, and letting him have the cat (since that's who the pets are bonded to respectively). It still puts me in the sad position of losing one of my furbabies.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I had the same situation with the dog when my ex and I broke up. We adopted the dog together but I was the one who trained her, walked her, etc. He used to complain about how the dog loved me more. When we broke up, I reluctantly left the dog with him. He had a large house with a spacious yard and I was moving into a place that did not allow pets. It was hard. Initially, I visited but that made things awkward with the ex and I needed distance from him. I haven't seen either since.

However, the pet situation can work out. My DH and his ex are an example. He and his ex shared custody of their two dogs for several years after their breakup. They loved their dogs and put their needs first. Initially, they would argue, as they were adjusting to a different relationship. Eventually, things mellowed out and now it's pretty good. They both moved on to other relationships. We now have custody of the dogs full time; she's free to come over whenever to visit or to take the dogs to her place for how ever long she wants. She's willing to dog sit for us when we're out of town. Her and her boyfriend have been over to our house. Some of my friends think it's weird but it works for us and the pooches are happy.

I hope you're able to work out the pet situation. He's just lashing out right now. Sure, it's immature but it's understandable. Maybe you guys will be like my ex and I. Or maybe you guys will be like DH and his ex. Either way, the pets may complicate the situation but the break up is inevitable.

I agree with the others that your BF isn't ready for a committed relationship but that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad guy. If there's one thing I learned in my years of dating, it's that timing is (almost) everything. My college BF and I were a great match but we were young, he went off to medical school and I went off to law school and the timing just wasn't right. When I met DH, things just clicked and we were engaged within 6 months of dating.

Hang in there! It's hard now but years down the road, you'll look back, shake your head and wonder what took you so long to leave him.

I think ideally if me moving out really does end up with us breaking up, it's better to just make it a clean break. So the only agreement I'd really like to see in place (something we can do with a notary) is that if either of us were to be unable to keep the pet in our care, that the other would get first chance to adopt them over someone else. I know he'll be in agreement to this.

You're right, timing is very important. And timing isn't looking good right now.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advice, I just have to say that these pets posts just break my heart. I don't know if my response is the *right thing* to do, but I can only say it is what I would do (and did). You take care of the pets - they go with you. If he has a fight in him to fight for them (which I don't think he will), then cross that bridge then...but I think he's using them now to get to you but won't really invest the time or money to deal with the reality of getting them back or having them. I'm saying this from personal (similar) experience. I lived with an ex for a year and at the beginning of that year, we got a puppy together - went through the whole process of picking her out, going to puppy school, house training her, etc. Then things went south, and we broke up a year later. I moved out with the dog without thinking twice. Not only did I love my dog like a child, but I took care of her! I fed her, took her to the vet, took her to the groomer, etc. I'm not saying she would be mistreated if I left her, but she wouldn't be as well off as she is with me. And I couldn't imagine not having her with me. And that little pup went on to help me get through that incredibly difficult break up. I ran into the ex once at the beach when I had the dog with me and he told me that was the hardest part for him, but he went out and got his own dog a couple years later when he was ready. For different reasons, the move out, break up and separation of pets were hard for both of us....but we both got past it in the way we needed to. So, like I said in the beginning of this post, I don't know if this is the *right thing* to do....but it's what I did and I haven't regretted it once. Good luck, and as always, I'm sending big hugs your way.

I think I'd end up taking both of them and bet that he wouldn't fight me on it if things started to turn nasty. I wouldn't want to make this more messy than it is if things are separating relatively smoothly. My heart and head are telling me two different things when it comes to the furbabies. Time will tell.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The guy cannot be trusted to keep to any agreement you may think you create with him about the dog or the cat - he hasn't kept to any agreement you two have made together. You say he can be trusted to take care of the dog, but really, he doesn't know any of the info re: vet, medicine, etc? How is this the behavior of someone who loves and values his pet? You know it isn't.

I've followed this entire thread - at best, this guy is like fair weather friend - more realistically, as many others have repeatedly pointed out, he is a taker and a user - I do not believe it is simply a matter of immaturity based on age/experience.

You keep saying you love the guy, you love the dog - you already know love isn't enough; action is.

If I were you, I would for once believe what he says -- he is not willing to do anything to fix the relationship, now or in the future -- he has no interest in your happiness. He is holding the dog as a hostage - if he truly valued the dog, he would already know the vet and the medicine and everything required for the dog's health and care.

If it were me, I would take both pets. It is 99% unlikely he will pursue the issue further. He is willing to break up with you if you move out; I don't really see anything in his character that says he will take any steps to regain possession of either pet. And in the extremely unlikely event he did rouse himself to action on behalf of his dog, based on facts alone, you would win any court case.

Don't make your separation about the pets. If it goes against the grain for you to take both pets, then you'll have to suck it up and leave the dog. But please please please don't leave the dog thinking you and he will be able to agree on some sort of shared custody of the dog -- if any arrangement would be made, you can be certain your role would be pet caretaker and his role would be owner. And do I have to mention how insulting and demoralizing it would be if he was willing to continuing a relationship with you after you moved out based on you taking care of his dog, but not based on fixing your relationship?

No shared custody for sure - it would only be an agreement that either of us is second in line to inheriting them if for some reason one of us couldn't care for the one in our pocession. I really want them both. I'll just have to see how it is as we're moving out, etc. If he turns nasty - 2 can play that game and they will be holed up safely at a friend's until I move into a new place.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So thank you all for keeping me going this whole time. I knew when I first posted this that it was going to be a long road to the end of the lease, and we're just about halfway there. I'll be telling him my decision re: living apart next year this weekend. I'm uncertain what his reaction will be. I'm going to ask that he take some time to think about what this move will mean to him, to me, and to us for awhile before he makes any decisions about what he feels living apart means. After all, we still have another 8ish weeks to get through, so there's no rush in making any decisions. I'll tell him that if he's really uncertain that we can give it a try and if in a month or so he/I/we feel it's really not working we can evaluate then.

As far as the pets, I'm still really uncertain. I'm feeling drawn more and more towards keeping the dog and letting him have the cat just because I know that the dog will be devastated to lose me (she and I are sooo close), whereas I feel like my cat (as much as I love him) would feel more indifferent towards me not being around (I think). After all, my cat was bonded to my first long term boyfriend (we adopted him together) and not so much me. After we broke up, he stayed with me. After new BF started staying around more often, he claimed him and they've been inseperable ever since. I feel like he would be okay with going with BF and that BF would be happier about it to since they sit together, sleep together, etc. He also doesn't require the $ and time that the dog does.

My cat was a solo pet for all his life until we got the dog last year. It took some adjusting but they're doing fine together now. I'm worried that the dog will be upset to not have her friend around anymore, but I'm not really in the position (or desire) to acquire another pet. I worry she'll be sad. Is this normal?

 

[FrekeChild]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Yes. But they will both adjust. Just like you will.

I hope you keep the dog too. Dogs develop huge attachments and I don't know what I'd do, or more importantly, what my pups would do without me! I love them, and they both love me.

Cats don't get as attached...