Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[UnluckyTwin]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

In a previous relationship my then-SO and I had six cats together. (Yes, six. We did rescues.) I took 3, my ex took 2, and the last 1 found a different home. I agonized over splitting them up. We knew that we (and the cats) had certain favorites, but there was 1 cat in particular that neither of us wanted to part with, so we flipped a coin (and I won-- whew), but it was extremely hard. I was devastated that the relationship was ending, devastated that I was losing some pets, and devastated that the cats were losing their siblings. It's 3 years later, and the 3 I have are very close and they don't seem to be upset or feeling like they miss the others. I don't know how cat brains work and if they remember old siblings, but really, these cats are happy and extremely well-loved. But yes, agonizing over the decision is normal, but Freke is right-- they really will be fine.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

As far as the pets, I'm still really uncertain. I'm feeling drawn more and more towards keeping the dog and letting him have the cat just because I know that the dog will be devastated to lose me (she and I are sooo close), whereas I feel like my cat (as much as I love him) would feel more indifferent towards me not being around (I think). After all, my cat was bonded to my first long term boyfriend (we adopted him together) and not so much me. After we broke up, he stayed with me. After new BF started staying around more often, he claimed him and they've been inseperable ever since. I feel like he would be okay with going with BF and that BF would be happier about it to since they sit together, sleep together, etc. He also doesn't require the $ and time that the dog does.

My cat was a solo pet for all his life until we got the dog last year. It took some adjusting but they're doing fine together now. I'm worried that the dog will be upset to not have her friend around anymore, but I'm not really in the position (or desire) to acquire another pet. I worry she'll be sad. Is this normal?

Advicepls, I haven't added my 2 cents worth before but I have been following this thread from the beginning so I am sorry if this comes across as harsh, but regarding the pet situation.... Are you really that blind?

He wants the dog because he knows YOU want the dog. He knows by saying that he wants the dog it is going to hurt you the most and hopefully be a reason to stay. If he really wanted a pet he would have chosen the cat, since that is who he has bonded with. But he didn't, he chose the dog to hurt you and use it as a playing card because he knows how much that dog means to you.

I wouldn't even dignify the request with a response and would just leave and take both pets. I'm certain he won't bother with a custody battle because it's not about keeping the dog, it's about keeping you and once you are gone it's too late.

I really hope that you leave him and don't look back. Good luck.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Sorry again if I came across as harsh Advicepls, I just wanted you to see that he is using the animals against you, and it's not something you should be deliberating, about leaving one or 2, you should be taking both and not giving it a second thought.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Just wanted to say good morning to you, and see how your conference weekend went.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi everyone. Still here. I'vre read all the posts and want to thank everyone for their support. Things are kind of rocky right now. I'll be sure to update as things progress in the coming weeks (we have to give notice on our apartment by May 1st )

Any stay strong dust would be appreciated.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Yes. But they will both adjust. Just like you will.

I hope you keep the dog too. Dogs develop huge attachments and I don't know what I'd do, or more importantly, what my pups would do without me! I love them, and they both love me.

Cats don't get as attached...

I'm so torn. It's like my cat knows what's going on - he's been unusally clingy to me in the last few days and laying with me a lot.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

In a previous relationship my then-SO and I had six cats together. (Yes, six. We did rescues.) I took 3, my ex took 2, and the last 1 found a different home. I agonized over splitting them up. We knew that we (and the cats) had certain favorites, but there was 1 cat in particular that neither of us wanted to part with, so we flipped a coin (and I won-- whew), but it was extremely hard. I was devastated that the relationship was ending, devastated that I was losing some pets, and devastated that the cats were losing their siblings. It's 3 years later, and the 3 I have are very close and they don't seem to be upset or feeling like they miss the others. I don't know how cat brains work and if they remember old siblings, but really, these cats are happy and extremely well-loved. But yes, agonizing over the decision is normal, but Freke is right-- they really will be fine.

I know they'll eventually be just fine - I guess I'm more worried about me missing one of them.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

As far as the pets, I'm still really uncertain. I'm feeling drawn more and more towards keeping the dog and letting him have the cat just because I know that the dog will be devastated to lose me (she and I are sooo close), whereas I feel like my cat (as much as I love him) would feel more indifferent towards me not being around (I think). After all, my cat was bonded to my first long term boyfriend (we adopted him together) and not so much me. After we broke up, he stayed with me. After new BF started staying around more often, he claimed him and they've been inseperable ever since. I feel like he would be okay with going with BF and that BF would be happier about it to since they sit together, sleep together, etc. He also doesn't require the $ and time that the dog does.

My cat was a solo pet for all his life until we got the dog last year. It took some adjusting but they're doing fine together now. I'm worried that the dog will be upset to not have her friend around anymore, but I'm not really in the position (or desire) to acquire another pet. I worry she'll be sad. Is this normal?

Advicepls, I haven't added my 2 cents worth before but I have been following this thread from the beginning so I am sorry if this comes across as harsh, but regarding the pet situation.... Are you really that blind?

He wants the dog because he knows YOU want the dog. He knows by saying that he wants the dog it is going to hurt you the most and hopefully be a reason to stay. If he really wanted a pet he would have chosen the cat, since that is who he has bonded with. But he didn't, he chose the dog to hurt you and use it as a playing card because he knows how much that dog means to you.

I wouldn't even dignify the request with a response and would just leave and take both pets. I'm certain he won't bother with a custody battle because it's not about keeping the dog, it's about keeping you and once you are gone it's too late.

I really hope that you leave him and don't look back. Good luck.

You'd think that'd be why he'd want the dog - but really I think he doubts I'd ever give up the cat. It was just his way of saying I'm not leaving with nobody. He's really not that cruel. I think if the offer was on the table to switch, he would. He wouldn't deliberately keep the dog to keep her from me. But he is going to want one of the two for sure.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Sorry again if I came across as harsh Advicepls, I just wanted you to see that he is using the animals against you, and it's not something you should be deliberating, about leaving one or 2, you should be taking both and not giving it a second thought.

None taken - I appreciate your input. There was never the option of leaving both, it's me keeping both or each of us keeping one. If he doesn't get ugly about this (and I'm pretty sure he won't), I don't see any reason to take both. The question I'm struggling with is which to keep.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Just wanted to say good morning to you, and see how your conference weekend went.

Thanks Winks_Elf...it wasn't my conference, it was his. And it went well. I hung out with some friends while he was gone and got some rest, slept in, etc. It was nice.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Sending lots of dust to you to help you stay strong for the next few weeks.

 

[confusedaisy]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Sending you lots of dust and good vibes!!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks ladies. He texted me over lunch to ask when our lease was up. We talked a little, I broke down, we've agreed to make a joint decision on what to do/where this is going this week.

So that was my lunch break. I'm really upset, and don't know what to do. It all feels so lose-lose to me.

 

[Seattle SC]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It's going to feel like a lot of lose/lose at this point because that's pretty much how the mind processes what it can see. It's easy to think that all you've been doing is giving things up because that's what' is tangible right now. I think if you really start looking forward to the things you're going to gain out of this - particularly the ability to really find the one you love and being happy, things will become somewhat easier. When I left a long term relationship with someone that was putting in the time and effort that I felt like I deserved, I never second guessed leaving him, but I did question for a long time whether I was doing it in the right ways. Looking back, I could have gone a lot of different paths, but the only right path that I'm sure of was out the door. Time does heal, and finding ways to distract yourself does help too.

Take the time in making a list of what is important to you and what you get and leave with this relationship so you're not talking out of anger of fear when you sit down with him. Emotions for both of you have been on high up until now, at this point you need to determine what you want and ready yourself to have an honest and practical conversation about both of your futures.

 

[GamerGirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Big hugs to you! Stay strong and do this for yourself! Good luck this week

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi there advisepls

I hope you don’t mind me butting in - I found this website when I was E-ring shopping with my former fiance and that relationship broke up so I feel your pain and have been following your story ever since you first posted.

I think Seattle SC is right - your situation looks lose-lose right now because your relationship seems lose-lose.

I now see what you’re saying about your BF not really being a jerk. Two really nice people can be in a relationship and not be able to fulfill each other’s emotional needs without a lot of work and that is a lose-lose situation IF both of you stay in the relationship. My last relationship was like that - we held onto hope too long.

You’ve done your best and it looks like he’s been as open and honest as he can be; you can‘t expect anymore from either of you than that. Right now, you deserve this new life that you’ve been planning - on your own and not having to worry about anyone but yourself for awhile.

So all I can say is go ahead and focus on you and what you want out of life. Manage the breakup as smoothly as you can realizing it won’t always seem smooth (I don’t think he’s the type to go postal on you which is a good thing) and instead of looking at a lose-lose situation, when you're on your own and feeling confident, you'll realize the breakup was a win-win and it will feel good.

Good luck!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks guys. We talked 2 nights ago for a while and it more or less boiled down to we both love eachother, we're not sure we like eachother anymore, we want to fix it and get back to where we once were, and neither of us know how. That we're both unhappy and can't live like this for another year if things don't change, but we dont' know how/what to change. And we have to submit a decision on our apartment in just over a week (week from Sunday).

The whole time we were talking it felt like he was trying to get me to be the one to say it's over. There were a few times he said something along the lines of is this it?

I'm feeling so pressured into saying it's over. I know he doens't want to be the one to end it if that's what it comes to, but I can't even really tell if he wants it to be over, or what.

I'm feeling so incredibly lost.

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

HUGS!

I'm SO sorry you are going though this but I promise it does get better. I didn't want to end my last relationship and so instead I just pushed him away and I came home to find my stuff packed up. That's not the route you want to go hun. You already said it's best for you to live apart, if you don't want to split right away then don't. If he feels its necessary to break up instead of taking a step back he needs to man up and tell you himself. If not, I'd just move out and "drift apart" if you know what I mean? Are you hoping that you guys can work this out? Because I can tell you that LOVE ISN'T ENOUGH. It's not. Just like having a job doesn't mean you can buy a house. You have to have the RIGHT job for the RIGHT amount of time with enough savings and find the perfect house before you can buy. It's similar in a relationship. You need love in order to start it off but you need compassion, compatibility, common interests but most importantly you need to want the same things out of your future and both be committed to doing WHATEVER it takes to be together. They are your best friend, they push you to better yourself, they love you no matter what you're flaws are.

I'm so sorry honey I know that break up's are difficult. But this man came into your life for a reason and just a season. He was meant to help you grow and learn and help you help yourself become the women you want to be so that way when you meet Mr. Right you'll know him when you see him and you'll appreciate him all the more.

HUGS to you during this difficult time. Try not to focus on what is ending (the relationship) but look at is as a new beginning. A new novel in a series of your life and it's waiting for you to write your the next chapters of your story. Don't worry, your best friend will find you in one of these books. Just enjoy the adventures of this crazy life, all the up's and downs along the way, grow, learn, get your heart broken and break a few hearts. Do crazy things that you've always wanted to do but you've never done (crazy is all relative to your comfort level ) but mostly just enjoy the ride.

HUGS!

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm feeling so pressured into saying it's over. I know he doens't want to be the one to end it if that's what it comes to, but I can't even really tell if he wants it to be over, or what.

Aw, that sucks. Of course, I don't know you but from what I've read of your posts, what really excites you is thinking of your new life without him (getting the dog and/or cat, getting your own place, your own style comforter, doing stuff you want to do etc.) so I would say at least on some level you want it to be over, it just sucks that he's pushing it on you.

Here's how I look at it. I think your self-esteem will come out stronger if you can be the one to make the decision and say it's over. I just don't think that self-esteem is built by letting yourself drift into major life decisions and you want to give yourself this small victory of looking back and saying, hey, I was in a tough place and I made a good decision for myself. I can take care of myself. If you drift into it, you really later can't take credit for it, if you know what I mean.

If he changes and you two decide to try again in a year or so, nothing will stop you from getting back together again. Yeah, it sucks that he's pushing it on you, but if he lets others make major life decisions for him, eventually it will be his loss.

Breakups can be so tough on your self-esteem that anything you can do to feel more positive and confident going out is definitely worth it.

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I remember back to when my ex husband and I were in our last year of misery (aka last year of marriage). We had so many long talks about what was wrong, how to fix it, etc. then we got to the stage that you're at now with him asking me if it was over, etc. once I pushed the envelope and said I wanted a separation. I've posted on that, so I won't go into details. I will say though that HE never was willing to man up and accept responsibility/help me make the actual decision. I'll also say that it was the most horrible sinking feeling to know that I had to make the decision to hurt someone so deeply that I once promised to stay with always. There's no way to get out of that hurtful decision, unless he's willing to make it for you. I mean think about it, wouldn't you LOVE for him to come home tonight and say "You know, I've been thinking about it and you're right...we aren't right for each other and I want to remain friends with you, have our own places and figure out our own lives at least for a while."? He's not going to do that, it takes a lot of maturity to make that kind of decision.

I think that you had/have a solid, realistic plan. He's muddying up the waters with the curve ball of "if you move out it's over". There is nothing wrong with that plan. If there are any drawbacks for your relationship, the positives FAR outweigh them. You know that. He would know that if he was as invested in it as he's saying he is now that it's the 11th hour.

Right now you're slooooooowly peeling the bandaid off instead of just quickly ripping it off, tip toeing into the cold water instead of jumping in, whatever metaphor you want to pick. Once you've taken a leap of faith in yourself you will be okay - I promise! Not overnight, but realistically within a few months you will be well on your way to living a fulfilled, happy, exciting life with a much better understanding of what you need.

Many hugs, as always.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

...we both love eachother, we're not sure we like eachother anymore, we want to fix it and get back to where we once were, and neither of us know how.

I'm feeling so pressured into saying it's over

Here's the thing...it's already over. You know it, he knows it. I know you want to fix it to get back to where you were...but you aren't the same people as you were then. Can you "fix it" and move forward? Sure. But you'll never replicate what you used to be. You might be able to create a new reality...but if you don't even truly like each other, as you both are now? Don't hang on to the relationship based on an ideal you have that is long gone.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I can't even really tell if he wants it to be over, or what. I'm feeling so incredibly lost.

He wants the status quo. He wants the way he is right now to be enough for you. He wants to still be coddled and taken care of and mothered SO HE DOESN"T HAVE TO GROW UP. He's had chances to respond to your (rightful) needs -- and slept on the job. Kept "doing him", with you cleaning up his messes & paying his unfun bills & walking his dog & BEING THE ADULT in the relationship.

OF COURSE he's making you do this "dirty work" too .... ending it. Only HA!! You're NOT. You're just saying you want to live apart. He'll be the one breaking up with you if he calls off the relationship after that.

I wish you could jump six months ahead & have all the feelings you'll have THEN ... NOW. These are growing pains. Emotional growing pains. You can't make people into things they're not ahead of their own maturation schedule. Maybe this is bad timing. Maybe it is fundemental incompatibility. It doesn't matter though. It isn't working and EVERONE KNOWS IT. Even him.

You are going to BE sad. It's just part of it. I'm sorry. I hope it helps you to know that we ALL have been there in some similar way and lived to tell the tales. It won't break you. It helps MAKE you.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks guys. We talked 2 nights ago for a while and it more or less boiled down to we both love eachother, we're not sure we like eachother anymore, we want to fix it and get back to where we once were, and neither of us know how.

You're feeling lost because it's just not possible. You have grown, you have changed, and he has left too much undone for too long. It's not in his nature to be the kind of man you want to be with, and you both know it. You've tried to overlook an awful lot, and you couldn't. Saying goodbye to the boy who you thought would be the man you'd walk through life with sucks. But again, the longer you are with the wrong person it's that much longer until you heal and can move on to find the right partner.

As for him not wanting to be the one to say it's over, does that really surprise you? It takes a great deal of maturity to know that it's not working, and even a greater amount of maturity to step up and admit that the relationship is broken.

Sending you thoughts of peace, happiness, and strength.

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He's not going to do that, it takes a lot of maturity to make that kind of decision.

As for him not wanting to be the one to say it's over, does that really surprise you? It takes a great deal of maturity to know that it's not working, and even a greater amount of maturity to step up and admit that the relationship is broken.

I heartily agree.

I was going to say originally: One of you has to be the adult and it might as well be you. You'll only reap benefits from the growth of maturity that it took to admit the relationship is broken. Then the next time something is comfortable but not right for you (your job, friendships, living situation, etc.) it will be easier to say No, this isn't working for me and then do what's right for you.

He may think he's taking the easy way out by making you do the dirty work and break up but its not dirty work to state what you both already know and want. Its actually quite mature. You'll benefit and become stronger while he's going to lose in the long run if he can't man up and start taking responsibility for his decisions.

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls, you're killing me. WHO CARES if you're the one who has to end it? He's incredibly immature and you already know this. Of COURSE he doesn't want to do the mature thing and end it.

I really hope you're not actually waffling. DTMFA.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls, you're killing me. WHO CARES if you're the one who has to end it? He's incredibly immature and you already know this. Of COURSE he doesn't want to do the mature thing and end it.

I really hope you're not actually waffling. DTMFA.

Agree, but had to ask-- what's DTMFA?

AP, I just ended my relationship with my SO. It's hard and it's sucks and there's guilt and so on. But you have to do what's best for you, and it's so clear to me and you and everyone that you know this IS what's best for you. As others have mentioned, if YOU are the one to end it, A. that helps you to be less sad upfront, and B. you can be PROUD that you took the right step for yourself! Let him do all the blaming he needs, just get out!

 

[Izzy03]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So sorry you are struggling through all of this. You sound as if you have made your mind up and breaking things off is what you need to do. I feel that if things were going to get better, it would've happened by now. You have described a level of incompatibility, pinpointed "red-flags". I can tell you first hand, all of those issue would become exponentially worse with marriage!!! You are SO lucky to have recognized this now before, and while living together during this period is difficult, I can't help but think it helps to have a "soft" separation from him. I think having all this time to think thing through while living with him will make it less likely that you doubt decision to end it and go back to him.

While our problems have many differences, I feel very close to your situation and the emotions you are feeling. I started dating my current husband when I was 22, two years later we were married, and two years into our marriage I am trying to decided if divorce is the right decision to make. There were some "potential" red flags I noticed before our wedding, but I never thought things would progress into what they have become. Unlike you, I have a partner who cleans, does dishes, goes grocery shopping, does the laundry, never asks to split costs on anything, and for that I know I am lucky. I thought because he was so wonderful, all the red flag issues would work themselves out. I AM AN IDIOT FOR BEING SO NAIVE!!

RED FLAG 1- My husband has a 10 year old knee injury that requires daily pain management with medication. Looking back, I saw the potential for him to become addicted to his pain meds, but I convinced myself that he would never let that happen. Well, six months into our marriage, my husband is a full blown addict. He recently told our therapist that he began using his pills inappropriately a few months before we met. So really, when I thought I was seeing the "potential" for him to become addict, my gut was telling me something was already not right.

RED FLAG 2-My husband also has a very short temper, which sometimes turn into full blown rage. I had seen it happen a few times before we were married when he was having a difficult time with work, but he seemed to have improved a lot and I thought it was just a phase. Not so much; when life gets really hard, he reverts to rage.

RED FLAG 3- My husband also has a tasted for the finer things in life and spends money like it will never end. Again, I thought it would never become an issue because he was very successful in business , but I have come to realize it is a huge issue! He is not make as much money as he used to, yet his spending habits remains the same. He will go out and blow money on the stupidest things! I will not buy fancy extras until I have first placed a comfortable amount into savings.

With all the damage his addiction caused, we have very little tolerance left to deal with "petty" issues. He is currently sober, but once the damage is done, there is no going back.

All that being said, you are so smart to be recognizing all of this now! I envy your situation because it is not too late for you can go out and find someone who you will be really happy with. Not to mention, being single is SO MUCH FUN!!!! Decorating your own space, dating, girls nights, focusing on no one but yourself, etc.... I could go on and on. Technically it is not too late for me either, but divorce is a big deal and I not sure where to go with that right now.

I can tell you 100%, if I were not married, I would've been out the door last year!!!!!

You know what you have to do, and I am really excited for you because you have a lot of awesome things that are coming your way as a single lady!!

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls, you're killing me. WHO CARES if you're the one who has to end it? He's incredibly immature and you already know this. Of COURSE he doesn't want to do the mature thing and end it.

I really hope you're not actually waffling. DTMFA.

Agree, but had to ask-- what's DTMFA?

AP, I just ended my relationship with my SO. It's hard and it's sucks and there's guilt and so on. But you have to do what's best for you, and it's so clear to me and you and everyone that you know this IS what's best for you. As others have mentioned, if YOU are the one to end it, A. that helps you to be less sad upfront, and B. you can be PROUD that you took the right step for yourself! Let him do all the blaming he needs, just get out!

It's a Dan Savage-ism and stands for Dump The MFer Already.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

advicepls, you're killing me. WHO CARES if you're the one who has to end it? He's incredibly immature and you already know this. Of COURSE he doesn't want to do the mature thing and end it.

I really hope you're not actually waffling. DTMFA.

Agree, but had to ask-- what's DTMFA?

AP, I just ended my relationship with my SO. It's hard and it's sucks and there's guilt and so on. But you have to do what's best for you, and it's so clear to me and you and everyone that you know this IS what's best for you. As others have mentioned, if YOU are the one to end it, A. that helps you to be less sad upfront, and B. you can be PROUD that you took the right step for yourself! Let him do all the blaming he needs, just get out!

It's a Dan Savage-ism and stands for Dump The MFer Already.

HAHAHAHA I never would have figured that out!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He's taking the dog. I'm keeping the cat. We've signed our non-renewal at our current place. Both currently looking for new places/potential roommates. We barely spoke all weekend.