Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, I just snorted reading your description of yourself to Deco. Honey, we're the exact same person. I tell my friends I'd be so much more comfortable with the whole *insert life changing event here* thing if I just knew when I was going to want to get married/have kids/move/etc., so I could arrange my life now better to fit with that. *sigh*

Finding new hobbies is a great idea. I'd make sure that you have two - one for outside of the house to make you leave and try something new and meet new people, and one for inside the house (like knitting) that will keep your brain occupied when you're home alone. Having one or the other means that you're either isolated in your house because you're not meeting new people, or when you're home all you do is think or veg out, and either of those in large quantities can lead to some serious sad time.

Hah, nice! If only I were in NC (I think that's where you are...), we'd be all set! I definitley am one of those people, I just want to know what is in store for my life so I can plan for it!! Argh, I know it's crazy, but it's good to know I'm not alone

Good idea on making sure I have an out of the house hobby, I'll make sure I stay on that! I'm really going to try and get back into a regular exercise schedule so some gym time will get me out of the house at least.

We'd totally be set! But I guess we'll just have to survive this way...

The gym can be a great way to meet people, and I'm also a huge fan of team sports - volleyball leagues, kickball, Ultimate frisbee, softball, etc. In my experience, those groups are really welcoming (and generally especially welcoming of women since a lot of them will have rules about needing x women on the field at any time), and a great way to meet a large number of people at once! Plus you've got the added benefit of helping you get in shape.

I was actually just thinking about a league too! Our office is doing an interoffice kickball game/challenge in April and I was so stoked when they brought it up! I haven't played kickball since elementary school and I used to love that freaking red rubber ball. It's such an easy game to play, and FUN! My city has some leagues, I should look into that.

 

[panda08]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Over 5 years ago, I left a long term, live-in relationship that I knew, for quite some time, wasn't working for me. Before I walked out the door, I gave him EVERY benefit of the doubt... I cried, I yelled, I talked calmly, I bargained, I hoped... And during those months, it became painfully clear that I was the only one rowing and we were going in a circle. By the time that I left, I was spent. But I was satisfied. Satisfied in knowing that I had given it my all and that leaving was the right decision. I had no regrets.

After that, I spent a full year being single and re-discovered myself. I rented a cute cottage by the beach. I started doing pilates, learned to enjoy a hard spin class at 6am and got into the best shape of my life. I lived outside my usual box by joining a local book club and dining group. I celebrated NYE and Valentine's Day with girlfriends. I got used to the stillness in my apartment at night. It wasn't an easy transition. I went to therapy to unload everything I needed to unload and to work through what I needed to work through. There wasn't a day that I didn't think about him. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. Eight months into singledom, I took a two week trip to China with my cousin. We visited a part of the Great Wall. I scrambled to the top of a particularly steep portion and marveled at the Wall snaking through the vast land around me. It was so awesome. And then it hit me. I didn't miss him! I didn't wish he was there to savor the moment with me! In fact, I wasn't sad that I didn't have a man to share it with! I was enjoying the moment for myself and, for the first time in a very long time, it was enough It was a turning point for me, one I'll always remember.

I wish you well, AP. You have a lot to offer and you deserve to be with someone who treasures you. It takes time to come to terms with yourself; take whatever time you need. Another door will open when this one closes, whether by your will or not, even though it may not seem like it while you're in the thick of things. Embrace singlehood! Learning to be happy single will be one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself. It'll make you more open to new experiences and people. But more importantly, it will make you more selective about who you date because you don't need a man to complete you, because life is already full. And when you meet the right guy, you'll be willing to end the chapter on singlehood because, as Freke said, he is worth it.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Over 5 years ago, I left a long term, live-in relationship that I knew, for quite some time, wasn't working for me. Before I walked out the door, I gave him EVERY benefit of the doubt... I cried, I yelled, I talked calmly, I bargained, I hoped... And during those months, it became painfully clear that I was the only one rowing and we were going in a circle. By the time that I left, I was spent. But I was satisfied. Satisfied in knowing that I had given it my all and that leaving was the right decision. I had no regrets.

After that, I spent a full year being single and re-discovered myself. I rented a cute cottage by the beach. I started doing pilates, learned to enjoy a hard spin class at 6am and got into the best shape of my life. I lived outside my usual box by joining a local book club and dining group. I celebrated NYE and Valentine's Day with girlfriends. I got used to the stillness in my apartment at night. It wasn't an easy transition. I went to therapy to unload everything I needed to unload and to work through what I needed to work through. There wasn't a day that I didn't think about him. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. Eight months into singledom, I took a two week trip to China with my cousin. We visited a part of the Great Wall. I scrambled to the top of a particularly steep portion and marveled at the Wall snaking through the vast land around me. It was so awesome. And then it hit me. I didn't miss him! I didn't wish he was there to savor the moment with me! In fact, I wasn't sad that I didn't have a man to share it with! I was enjoying the moment for myself and, for the first time in a very long time, it was enough It was a turning point for me, one I'll always remember.

I wish you well, AP. You have a lot to offer and you deserve to be with someone who treasures you. It takes time to come to terms with yourself; take whatever time you need. Another door will open when this one closes, whether by your will or not, even though it may not seem like it while you're in the thick of things. Embrace singlehood! Learning to be happy single will be one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself. It'll make you more open to new experiences and people. But more importantly, it will make you more selective about who you date because you don't need a man to complete you, because life is already full. And when you meet the right guy, you'll be willing to end the chapter on singlehood because, as Freke said, he is worth it.

GREAT post panda08! Thank you! I feel like I've hit my breaking point and I'm to the point where I know this is the right thing to do and that I will not regret this decision once I get through it. It's going to be a long hard road, but I feel ready. I hope I love singledom, at least for awhile. Thanks for the heartfelt post.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Honey, my dear, my darling...how do I say this gently? It's time to take a very hard look at what you've written above, and end this relationship. There are serious fundamental incompatabilities going on here and there is no reason you can't part on good terms and both find other partners who are better suited to each of your needs, as hard as that is to hear.

Better to do it now than to marry and find out that marriage changes nothing, and end up divorcing (as I did) a few years from now, maybe with children, maybe not.

It may seem like the hardest thing in the world at the time to let go, but TRUST ME, and believe this: it is so much better to let go of something that wasn't going to work out anyway NOW than to keep grasping at straws and wishing things would change. You will understand what I'm saying in about 6 months. I swear.

We can't work this out for you--you've already done your pros/cons list and worked it out for yourself. Please re-read and realize that your relationship requires so much work that neither of you are willing to do that it shouldn't be saved. (You don't REALLY want to compromise, do you? Neither does he, it's very obvious from the facts you've presented!)

The right person is out there for you. You have likes and hobbies of your own that probably have been neglected or have just been unexplored. Go find out who YOU are and embrace that person, revive that lady, and go from there! A great man with equally interesting hobbies and desires is out there waiting to meet you.

ETA: I noticed that you didn't list religion as one of the issues with divorce. Not that it matters now, but is that a factor? Also, I wanted to say that I learned long ago that you can have issues in your marriage, but supposedly you need to have some sort of 60/40 ratio as far as happiness/unhappiness. It seems to me you have 50/50? Hugs.

Please, please read the above carefully.
I entered a marriage knowing the guy wasn't right for me--that we weren't on the same page when it came to many, many issues but thought it didn't matter, that we could work it out. Trust me--these issues don't resolve themselves...they only get bigger and your relationship will sour. I stayed in a marriage for 4 years thinking he would change. Guess what he changed all right--he left me while I was in the hospital undergoing surgery. I thought I'd never get over it even though I KNEW deep in my heart we were better off apart {I would never forgive his timing, but that's a different story}. Several years later I met the man I was supposed to marry. and we've been together for 30 years. And if we were arguing about chores, pets, cooking or savings there is no way we would have lasted. You need to feel appreciated AND you need to appreciate and respect your partner.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Honey, my dear, my darling...how do I say this gently? It's time to take a very hard look at what you've written above, and end this relationship. There are serious fundamental incompatabilities going on here and there is no reason you can't part on good terms and both find other partners who are better suited to each of your needs, as hard as that is to hear.

Better to do it now than to marry and find out that marriage changes nothing, and end up divorcing (as I did) a few years from now, maybe with children, maybe not.

It may seem like the hardest thing in the world at the time to let go, but TRUST ME, and believe this: it is so much better to let go of something that wasn't going to work out anyway NOW than to keep grasping at straws and wishing things would change. You will understand what I'm saying in about 6 months. I swear.

We can't work this out for you--you've already done your pros/cons list and worked it out for yourself. Please re-read and realize that your relationship requires so much work that neither of you are willing to do that it shouldn't be saved. (You don't REALLY want to compromise, do you? Neither does he, it's very obvious from the facts you've presented!)

The right person is out there for you. You have likes and hobbies of your own that probably have been neglected or have just been unexplored. Go find out who YOU are and embrace that person, revive that lady, and go from there! A great man with equally interesting hobbies and desires is out there waiting to meet you.

ETA: I noticed that you didn't list religion as one of the issues with divorce. Not that it matters now, but is that a factor? Also, I wanted to say that I learned long ago that you can have issues in your marriage, but supposedly you need to have some sort of 60/40 ratio as far as happiness/unhappiness. It seems to me you have 50/50? Hugs.

Please, please read the above carefully.
I entered a marriage knowing the guy wasn't right for me--that we weren't on the same page when it came to many, many issues but thought it didn't matter, that we could work it out. Trust me--these issues don't resolve themselves...they only get bigger and your relationship will sour. I stayed in a marriage for 4 years thinking he would change. Guess what he changed all right--he left me while I was in the hospital undergoing surgery. I thought I'd never get over it even though I KNEW deep in my heart we were better off apart {I would never forgive his timing, but that's a different story}. Several years later I met the man I was supposed to marry. and we've been together for 30 years. And if we were arguing about chores, pets, cooking or savings there is no way we would have lasted. You need to feel appreciated AND you need to appreciate and respect your partner.

Thanks Amber, I agree. It's only been 5 1/2 years, we're young, and I'm already feeling a HUGE amount of resentment. I'm starting to let go, I know this isn't what is intended for me. It took me a long time and lots of tears to get to this point, but I know it's going to be okay. I've been trying to get out of the house every night to do something, chat with friends, go out to eat, whatever. It's been kind of freeing. Next step is to bring him up to pace on what's going to happen. The plan is to bring it up around the first week of April. That'll be a month before we have to give notice on our place and will give him 3 months to figure out what he wants to do for housing next year, find a roommate(s), and make arrangements. Hopefully we can be amicable and make it through the lease, if not I have options in place for things I can do/places I can go. Only time will tell.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Honey, my dear, my darling...how do I say this gently? It's time to take a very hard look at what you've written above, and end this relationship. There are serious fundamental incompatabilities going on here and there is no reason you can't part on good terms and both find other partners who are better suited to each of your needs, as hard as that is to hear.

Better to do it now than to marry and find out that marriage changes nothing, and end up divorcing (as I did) a few years from now, maybe with children, maybe not.

It may seem like the hardest thing in the world at the time to let go, but TRUST ME, and believe this: it is so much better to let go of something that wasn't going to work out anyway NOW than to keep grasping at straws and wishing things would change. You will understand what I'm saying in about 6 months. I swear.

We can't work this out for you--you've already done your pros/cons list and worked it out for yourself. Please re-read and realize that your relationship requires so much work that neither of you are willing to do that it shouldn't be saved. (You don't REALLY want to compromise, do you? Neither does he, it's very obvious from the facts you've presented!)

The right person is out there for you. You have likes and hobbies of your own that probably have been neglected or have just been unexplored. Go find out who YOU are and embrace that person, revive that lady, and go from there! A great man with equally interesting hobbies and desires is out there waiting to meet you.

ETA: I noticed that you didn't list religion as one of the issues with divorce. Not that it matters now, but is that a factor? Also, I wanted to say that I learned long ago that you can have issues in your marriage, but supposedly you need to have some sort of 60/40 ratio as far as happiness/unhappiness. It seems to me you have 50/50? Hugs.

Please, please read the above carefully.
I entered a marriage knowing the guy wasn't right for me--that we weren't on the same page when it came to many, many issues but thought it didn't matter, that we could work it out. Trust me--these issues don't resolve themselves...they only get bigger and your relationship will sour. I stayed in a marriage for 4 years thinking he would change. Guess what he changed all right--he left me while I was in the hospital undergoing surgery. I thought I'd never get over it even though I KNEW deep in my heart we were better off apart {I would never forgive his timing, but that's a different story}. Several years later I met the man I was supposed to marry. and we've been together for 30 years. And if we were arguing about chores, pets, cooking or savings there is no way we would have lasted. You need to feel appreciated AND you need to appreciate and respect your partner.

Thanks Amber, I agree. It's only been 5 1/2 years, we're young, and I'm already feeling a HUGE amount of resentment. I'm starting to let go, I know this isn't what is intended for me. It took me a long time and lots of tears to get to this point, but I know it's going to be okay. I've been trying to get out of the house every night to do something, chat with friends, go out to eat, whatever. It's been kind of freeing. Next step is to bring him up to pace on what's going to happen. The plan is to bring it up around the first week of April. That'll be a month before we have to give notice on our place and will give him 3 months to figure out what he wants to do for housing next year, find a roommate(s), and make arrangements. Hopefully we can be amicable and make it through the lease, if not I have options in place for things I can do/places I can go. Only time will tell.

I wish you well in the future. I know it's scary and you are probably sad but you deserve only the best.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Honey, my dear, my darling...how do I say this gently? It's time to take a very hard look at what you've written above, and end this relationship. There are serious fundamental incompatabilities going on here and there is no reason you can't part on good terms and both find other partners who are better suited to each of your needs, as hard as that is to hear.

Better to do it now than to marry and find out that marriage changes nothing, and end up divorcing (as I did) a few years from now, maybe with children, maybe not.

It may seem like the hardest thing in the world at the time to let go, but TRUST ME, and believe this: it is so much better to let go of something that wasn't going to work out anyway NOW than to keep grasping at straws and wishing things would change. You will understand what I'm saying in about 6 months. I swear.

We can't work this out for you--you've already done your pros/cons list and worked it out for yourself. Please re-read and realize that your relationship requires so much work that neither of you are willing to do that it shouldn't be saved. (You don't REALLY want to compromise, do you? Neither does he, it's very obvious from the facts you've presented!)

The right person is out there for you. You have likes and hobbies of your own that probably have been neglected or have just been unexplored. Go find out who YOU are and embrace that person, revive that lady, and go from there! A great man with equally interesting hobbies and desires is out there waiting to meet you.

ETA: I noticed that you didn't list religion as one of the issues with divorce. Not that it matters now, but is that a factor? Also, I wanted to say that I learned long ago that you can have issues in your marriage, but supposedly you need to have some sort of 60/40 ratio as far as happiness/unhappiness. It seems to me you have 50/50? Hugs.

Please, please read the above carefully.
I entered a marriage knowing the guy wasn't right for me--that we weren't on the same page when it came to many, many issues but thought it didn't matter, that we could work it out. Trust me--these issues don't resolve themselves...they only get bigger and your relationship will sour. I stayed in a marriage for 4 years thinking he would change. Guess what he changed all right--he left me while I was in the hospital undergoing surgery. I thought I'd never get over it even though I KNEW deep in my heart we were better off apart {I would never forgive his timing, but that's a different story}. Several years later I met the man I was supposed to marry. and we've been together for 30 years. And if we were arguing about chores, pets, cooking or savings there is no way we would have lasted. You need to feel appreciated AND you need to appreciate and respect your partner.

Thanks Amber, I agree. It's only been 5 1/2 years, we're young, and I'm already feeling a HUGE amount of resentment. I'm starting to let go, I know this isn't what is intended for me. It took me a long time and lots of tears to get to this point, but I know it's going to be okay. I've been trying to get out of the house every night to do something, chat with friends, go out to eat, whatever. It's been kind of freeing. Next step is to bring him up to pace on what's going to happen. The plan is to bring it up around the first week of April. That'll be a month before we have to give notice on our place and will give him 3 months to figure out what he wants to do for housing next year, find a roommate(s), and make arrangements. Hopefully we can be amicable and make it through the lease, if not I have options in place for things I can do/places I can go. Only time will tell.

I wish you well in the future. I know it's scary and you are probably sad but you deserve only the best.

Thanks. I know it'll be better eventually. Right now it is scary, and I am sad, but I'm trying to focus on me and the positivity that will come out of this (eventually) and it keeps me going on.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi all, mini update for those interested. I started looking for apartments. I found one that I LOVE and hope that it stays available for a little while until I can afford to sign. Close friends and family are being very supportive. I'm trying to go out and do things in the evenings so that I'm not just sitting at home with BF.

We haven't had the this is a done deal talk yet, but I think he knows it's coming. Some of his offhanded comments the last few days make me think that he konws, but whatever, I've made my peace about this. This life isn't what I want.

I plan on talking to him and letting him know everything that's been going on and how I'm feeling the first week of April. That way we'll have a month until we have to actually give notice on our apartment and 3 months (each) to find a new places to go.

 

[confusedaisy]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi all, mini update for those interested. I started looking for apartments. I found one that I LOVE and hope that it stays available for a little while until I can afford to sign. Close friends and family are being very supportive. I'm trying to go out and do things in the evenings so that I'm not just sitting at home with BF.

We haven't had the this is a done deal talk yet, but I think he knows it's coming. Some of his offhanded comments the last few days make me think that he konws, but whatever, I've made my peace about this. This life isn't what I want.

I plan on talking to him and letting him know everything that's been going on and how I'm feeling the first week of April. That way we'll have a month until we have to actually give notice on our apartment and 3 months (each) to find a new places to go.

Good luck- I've been following your story from the beginning and didn't really feel like I had anything extra to add. You sound so much stronger and resolved than you have in days/weeks. I don't know you but I feel so proud of you! Good luck, keep updating us on your progress, and know we're here for you no matter what comes next!!

HUGS!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks confusedaisy!

 

[slg47]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Good luck- I've been following your story from the beginning and didn't really feel like I had anything extra to add. You sound so much stronger and resolved than you have in days/weeks. I don't know you but I feel so proud of you! Good luck, keep updating us on your progress, and know we're here for you no matter what comes next!!

HUGS!

*hugs* from me too. and ditto to everything confused daisy said. you can get through this

 

[GamerGirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It sounds like you are getting confident in your decision and excited to see what the future holds! I can't wait to be in that place myself.

Hugs and best wishes!

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you, slg!

*hug*

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Good luck- I've been following your story from the beginning and didn't really feel like I had anything extra to add. You sound so much stronger and resolved than you have in days/weeks. I don't know you but I feel so proud of you! Good luck, keep updating us on your progress, and know we're here for you no matter what comes next!!

HUGS!

*hugs* from me too. and ditto to everything confused daisy said. you can get through this

I know I can. One day at a time. As the day to tell him draws closer, I feel more unsure of myself. Deep down I know it's right and we'll both be better off eventually for it, but I'm still dreading it.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It sounds like you are getting confident in your decision and excited to see what the future holds! I can't wait to be in that place myself.

Hugs and best wishes!

Thanks GG! I'm definitely more confident in my decision than I was even just a few short weeks ago. You'll get there too

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you, slg!

*hug*

Thanks princesss! I've been following you and the other ladies over in the Singles Ladies Small Talk. I guess I'll be joining the ranks soon...

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

After lurking for months, your particular tale of relationship woe made me suck it up and get a real username.

I've been in your situation before, but my significant other acted like your boyfriend AFTER we were married. I tolerated his crap, thinking it would get better, and couldn't understand that drastic change from courtship, engagement, marriage, and then total destruction. His selfishness, impulsive spending, lack of financial planning (which surfaced AFTER vows were exchanged), and complete disregard for my happiness ultimately destroyed us. Oh, and the fact that he cheated on me on a business trip.

I am not a stupid individual, and I chose to ignore all of the red flags and advice my friends addressed during our engagement period. I say kudos to you for trying to extricate yourself from an unhealthy, unhappy, and disenchanting relationship. You sound like you're in a good place right now, and I do hope that you run as far away as fast as you can. It was demoralizing and embarrassing to be married for 14 months and then divorced by 26.

I'm finally in a GREAT place and dating a guy I've known (and loathed) for 10 years. We "click" as adults and I'm truly blessed and thrilled with life on a daily basis. I love not having to walk tightropes or baskets of eggshells anymore.

There is a better life out there for you! Best wishes.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

After lurking for months, your particular tale of relationship woe made me suck it up and get a real username.

I've been in your situation before, but my significant other acted like your boyfriend AFTER we were married. I tolerated his crap, thinking it would get better, and couldn't understand that drastic change from courtship, engagement, marriage, and then total destruction. His selfishness, impulsive spending, lack of financial planning (which surfaced AFTER vows were exchanged), and complete disregard for my happiness ultimately destroyed us. Oh, and the fact that he cheated on me on a business trip.

I am not a stupid individual, and I chose to ignore all of the red flags and advice my friends addressed during our engagement period. I say kudos to you for trying to extricate yourself from an unhealthy, unhappy, and disenchanting relationship. You sound like you're in a good place right now, and I do hope that you run as far away as fast as you can. It was demoralizing and embarrassing to be married for 14 months and then divorced by 26.

I'm finally in a GREAT place and dating a guy I've known (and loathed) for 10 years. We "click" as adults and I'm truly blessed and thrilled with life on a daily basis. I love not having to walk tightropes or baskets of eggshells anymore.

There is a better life out there for you! Best wishes.

Thanks for your input Inkblot. It kills me just thinking about how this conversation is going to go. I love him so much, I don't want to hurt him, but what we have is ultimately what neither of us really wants.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So it's the beginning of April and I forced myself to bring this up. Last night when I got home from class, I told him we needed to talk. At first, he exasperated, Jeez, what about? I told him I wanted to talk about the discussion we had a few months ago. He asked what about it? I said everything, in particular the kid and the money issues. He then told me he didn't want to talk about it. When I said that we needed to talk about, he stopped what he was doing, sat down, and looked at me. I told him that I was really confused about the kid issues and was feeling very uneasy about the fact that he'd already decided. I told him I thought there was some truth to what he said a few months ago re: me lying to myself about what I really want since I'm so conflicted over it. He then said it sounds like he's a least 90% no, and that I'm more like 85% yes. I told him that terrified me because I know what that means for him. We moved onto other topics like money, savings, budgeting, COMMUNICATION. Communicaiton is something he's not very good at, and in a non-blaming way I said one of the reasons is because I feel like he's somewhat unapproachable. Then things get pent up inside me and I explode. He said I can of course come to him whenever I need to talk and it would be better to deal with one thing at a time than to have these several hour long blowouts every few months or so when I can't take it anymore. I asked him to tell me when is a good time to talk to him, I can't do it in the morning before work, not enough time. He prefers not to talk in the evenings because a) he's either home so late that I'm already in bed or b) it's still late and he's had zero down time all day. Weekend usually aren't good because he usually always has something planned for work, his organizations, or recreational things. I feel like that's part of the problem. He said the reason he said he doesn't like to talk at night is because THIS is how we usually 'talk' where it's a blowup of many things that lasts for hours.

But anyway, overall the talk went much better than I expected, I think it shocked him that I was so serious and I feel like some of the things I said truly broke his heart. He told me that if I decided to leave that he feels like he'd be losing his entire world in one fell swoop. I suggested living apart to give us some time to figure out what we want but he doesn't think that'll solve anything. He said point blank that to him living apart = breaking up and that losing me would be the hardest thing he'll ever have to get through and that he isn't willing to do that to himself over an entire year. We talked and talked, strategized and even came up with some good solutions for how to fix things that can be fixed. The kid thing is something that he said he can't guarantee as he can't see into the future, both of his parents didn't want children and then they hit their mid 30s and changed their minds and because anything is possible he said the best he can give right now is that he is 90% sure he doesn't want them. And as I've told family and friends I feel like I could be happy with or without them if everything else was good in my relationship, especially since I don't even know for sure what I want. Part of our issues I think is communication and communicaiton of love. We talked about the love languages again and I reminded him of how we each said is important to us. I reminded him that he feels great about how things are because Action was important to him in terms of feeling love and I take care of him so he feels loved. I reminded him that Affirmation was important to me and that I feel like he doesn't do it enough. He said that that is hard for him to do because he doesn't need that kind of love to feel good, but that he'll do whatever it takes to make sure that he does it for me. I told him that it has really gotten to the point that I do not feel like a priority in his life AT ALL and that I feel like the things I do are expected and not appreciated like they used to be. He apologized profusely.

He asked when our lease was up. I told him the end of June. He knows we have to give notice if we're not staying by May 1. The way he sees it, the decision is mine to make, he said he wants this and that he sees us having what it takes to make it. He told me that he wakes up every day thanking God that he has me in his life. He said in group conversations when he introduces me as his better half, that he means that literally. That when he 'jokes' in groups that he's just waiting for me to wake up and realize that he's not good enough for me, that it's not really a joke. Then commenced the first time in nearly 6 years that I saw him cry. I have never seen him so upset. He told me that he is certain that without a shadow of a doubt that I am who he wants to be with. He told me that living apart is not an option to him since he's not willing to put himself through that. He said that I need to decide if I'm in this, or out of it, and soon since logistically, there are lots of arrangements that need to be made in order for us to move on. He says he feels like I've already decided and that he's absolutely terrified by what that may mean.

I tried to explain to him that I didn't see living apart as breaking up. I saw that as a way for us both to get back on track. I told him I feel like he wants a partnership when it's easy/convienent for him, but not when he wants to do what he wants where he wants, etc. I told him I feel like I get the short end of both straws. I told him that I feel ready for our relationship to be more than what it is, for us to be fully committed and that I just don't think he's there or ready. This was some of the things we strategized about and came up with some good solutions for how we could fix things.

Overall, we talked about a lot, it's all out on the table. He's hurting and upset. I'm more confused than ever. And the decision is in my hands, and I have to make it soon.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He's not WILLING TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THAT? Really? He's a fat, happy camper right now but even the THOUGHT of enduring SOME NOMINAL DISCOMFORT for you to do what you *want to do*? NOPE! NOT WILLING TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THAT.

What is he willing to put you through? What are you willing to put YOURSELF THROUGH for one more minute?

He ISN'T good enough for you. He's right! He ISN'T willing to do the work and put in the effort YOU DESERVE. You ARE his better half. These aren't things that should come as surprises to you or suprises that he realizes. I think it just shows that he's EVEN MORE AWARE of how good he's got it & how much it will **** for it to end. FOR HIM.

YOU? You'll be wondering what took you so long to ditch this blubbering MANCHILD.

 

[MayFlowers]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I haven't added at all to this thread yet, but I just want to send you big hugs!

Also, I am giving a big fat DITTO to everything that deco said. He is terrified of you leaving because for once, he will have to actually take care of himself.

From what I've read of your posts in this thread, it sounds to me like you have made the decision that you need to move out and to take a step back from the relationship. If he considers that breaking up, then so be it. Apparently the relationship isn't that important to him if he isn't also willing to take a step back and work on things.

 

[Sparklelu]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I have been reading this saga over these many weeks, and all I can say is RUN NOW!! He has told you exactly how he feels, he is not willing to "put himself" through all that? What a selfish person. You are doing the right thing in packing up and leaving. You deserve so much better, he does not deserve you. THRITTO. DECO!!!!

 

[suchende]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He said that that is hard for him to do because he doesn't need that kind of love to feel good, but that he'll do whatever it takes to make sure that he does it for me. I told him that it has really gotten to the point that I do not feel like a priority in his life AT ALL and that I feel like the things I do are expected and not appreciated like they used to be. He apologized profusely.

This is a big point of incompatibility. You've told him BEFORE what you need and he has PROVEN he cannot give you what you need. If he could change, and wanted to make the effort, he already would have. You can't scare him into really giving you what you need longterm.

Also, if action is his love language, how has he been showing you love through his actions? He's not expressing love in any language. Do the hard thing, dig in your heels, and give notice on your lease. If some miracle happens, you can get a new place together and a fresh start, but don't let that door close.

 

[sctsbride09]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Also agree with Deco. If he was the RIGHT guy, he would be willing to put in the work to keep you, no matter what. And also, why is it that everything must be on his terms? Im seeing alot of this in threads lately in the LIW section, and it makes me . Do what you have to for yourself, stop worrying about his needs so much, he is already doing that, you should worrying about YOU. Someday there will be a man worthy of being with you and being your husband, this guy isnt.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He sounds like an ex-boyfriend of mine. I was an idiot (also, 19) and got back together with him because I felt guilty and sorry for him. That only prolonged the inevitable and made him that much MORE of a baby when we broke up.

Don't listen to him. You are not doing this TO him.. He's done this to himself. I understand that this is hard to do when you care about someone, but you should care about yourself and your own happiness more.

HUGE hugs, I know this is hard!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I read your update this morning, but held off on posting so I could formulate my thoughts.

It's obvious you don't want to hurt him. The fact that your leaving hurts him is having a strong effect on you. I don't want to say "Woman, you're crazy for caring when he obviously doesn't care for you!" because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but at the same time I wish you could see how much of this is about HIM and how little of it is about YOU. As Deco pointed out, he doesn't want to put himself through any discomfort, but if that means that you're in discomfort, well then you're just supposed to navigate through all of that on your own.

Nothing has really changed, though, has it? He still can't meet your needs. He would still rather you sacrifice the option of having kids by staying with him so that he doesn't have to go through the pain of you leaving him. To stay with him knowing you're taking such a big risk would probably cause so much tension in the relationship, anyway, that it would be unbearable.

I feel for you!

 

[iota15]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'll "quatto"(?) Decco. Big hugs all around.

I don't understand however how you don't have any time to talk in the morning, and he can't afford to talk to you at night or on the weekends. So - how exactly are you planning to communicate more? I mean, I know you're planning but he's just not giving.

There's no time, no room in *his* life, no effort because he's tired after a full day(?)). Um, talking with my SO is how I relax from a long day.

Meanwhile, you've been working hard getting groceries, buying him soap and effectively setting him up so he can have this great life away from you. Then, he has no time for you!

He *knows* and *tells people* how good he has it with you. I know he genuinely means it, because well, it's TRUE. You ARE too good for him, and he does have it TOO GOOD. Through all the emotions and talk of love (which I believe he means), he is also essentially telling you that THERE WILL BE NO REAL CHANGES!

I know you're confused because of all the meaningful things he said last night, but regardless of how he feels, the basic facts of your life remain the same. Is this the life you want? IS IT?

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

As usual, he's only worried about himself and his needs and isn't even willing to entertain the idea of doing something for you and your needs. You know this relationship isn't good, you know living apart won't change him, so what are you waiting for? Love isn't enough sometimes/a lot of the time. And love does not = happy, healthy relationship.

It's almost guaranteed that the dynamic in your relationship will never change...he's a spoiled mama's boy and you're clearly the type of person who loves to be a caretaker. The challenge for you is to find someone who wants to take care of you right back. HE IS NOT THAT SOMEONE.

 

[GamerGirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

As usual, he's only worried about himself and his needs and isn't even willing to entertain the idea of doing something for you and your needs. You know this relationship isn't good, you know living apart won't change him, so what are you waiting for? Love isn't enough sometimes/a lot of the time. And love does not = happy, healthy relationship.

It's almost guaranteed that the dynamic in your relationship will never change...he's a spoiled mama's boy and you're clearly the type of person who loves to be a caretaker. The challenge for you is to find someone who wants to take care of you right back. HE IS NOT THAT SOMEONE.

Let me just give a big ole DITTO to the bolded section. I heartily agree to all the comments/advice given thus far but feel particularly strongly about the bolded line. I found this out too late myself - but I think that you already know it and know that you need to move on. He isn't willing to be your partner -- when you look back on this in the future you will realize how much better it is to take the immeadiate pain and loss now than to let more time and effort be wasted on what does not seem like a good relationship!

Big Hugs

 

[Indylady]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think you should move out. If change is going to happen, its not going to happen as long as you keep living together--you will fall into the same patterns. He's just making it that much harder on you. You suggested a compromise: move out, and restructure your relationship. He turned that into an ultimatum: move out, and break up. Can you see what a mind game that is?