Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls, I think it might be time for you to take a breather from this thread.

And I don't mean this in any harsh way. I've gone through a divorce before and I know hard hard it is to break off of a long relationship, but it is time for you take care of yourself and part of that involves giving yourself the space and peace to make this decision on your own terms

I know PS is great place to vent and get advice, and there have been a lot of wise words passed and insights posted on here, but at this point a lot of it is repeat and I fear some might be jumbling how you feel. Ultimately you know most what is going on. You're the one who is living out the situation. And at this point, I don't think any more input is going to help.

I know in some ways this is a frightening and emotionally taxing task you have at hand to call things off, move out and change your lifestyle. There are financial implication,etc. ... I get the sense that in some ways you feel like you need validation and to explain your choices. No one has a right to judge you either way. We can give advice but that's only based on 1) What you tell us and 2) How we interpret what you say. And by then it's somewhat removed from what you are really feeling and experiencing (not to say that any of this advice is bad, but just hammering in the fact that this is your decision. )

Hang in there.

I think you're right. I know what needs to be done from here. I'll check back in a few months when everything is said and done and let you know how it ends.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Had you guys lived together prior to this lease or was this your first time living together? How did you go about dividing the household at move out? As friends/roommates, what expecatations were there between you until the lease ended (if any) other than no bringing over people you're dating? There are probably a few places I could go, but 4 months seems like I long time to impose on these people seeing as how I can't afford to contribute to their household when I'd still have to be paying for one I'm not living in. I still think he has no idea that our relationship is so bad that I want to move out. I really think he has no solid idea that this is even happening.

Yes, we had lived together prior to this lease. About a year and a half or so. We had moved to a different state after he had gotten out of the military. We lived with a relative while getting settled, and then signed this lease.

Dividing the household- Most of the big furniture was his, most of the decorative stuff was mine. There were a few things we fought over, but in the end I just didn't care.

We didn't really have any clear cut expectations. When we broke up, we both agreed that breaking up is bad enough, no reason to lose your best friend as well. We still hung out and did things together. Our reason for breaking up wasn't because we didn't like each other or anything like that, we just wanted different things (me- to get married; him- to be a man-whore...I mean, to not be in a serious relationship). It was really, really hard for me, because he hit it with me out of the blue. Not so hard for him, since he had known he was going to do it.

Where was I? Oh yeah, expectations. Really, we just maintained the status quo. Every once in a while I would grow a pair and tell him not to eat something I had bought or whatever, and he would throw a fit. "Um, sorry, I'm not your girlfriend."

You are in a tough spot. I can't remember, is your place 2 bedrooms? If it is, I honestly think I would tell him ASAP what your intentions are. 1) As much of a whiny db as he's being, he still deserves to know what's going on. 2) It will be a huge stress relief to you. If there's another bedroom, move into it. Be his GF, but his GF who doesn't live with him. Don't buy his groceries or clean up after him. Hang out with friends, join a club, take a class, whatever. Be busy. Otherwise the next 4 months will be torture.

That's where we are I think. We don't want the same things. I think I want kids, I definitely want to be married, I want a simple life making practical choices. He is ADVENTUROUS, doesn't want children, says he wants a marriage, but his actions say otherwise. I think he is a great guy and will make a great partner for someone else who is a taker, and can stand up to him and not allow themselves to be taken advantage of.

Thanks for sharing your story. Our place is a (small) one bedroom one bathroom. I have no furniture (it all belongs to him for the most part, at least the big things since his stuff was nicer than mine, mine was eliminated when we combined apartments). I'm not sure how the next few months are going to play out, but I'll be sure to let you all know.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Briolette made a great point. I think I need a break from this thread. I turly appreciate all the advice you have all given to me and have taken every word of it to heart. The next few months are going to be hard for me, but I know that good will come of whatever decision is made. I'll post a final update in the coming months. Thanks again, for everything.

 

[Bliss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think I get where the OP is coming from. You still love him, even though you're mentally and emotionally preparing yourself to walk away. Every time you pack his lunch, you're adding another brick to the wall between you and him. Is that correct? It's not so much that you're a glutton for punishment or a masochist, at least not in my opinion, but rather that you continue to test him. Each time he fails miserably, it makes you angry and helps you let go in your mind and in your heart. Could this be the reason?

Since it sounds like you can't leave immediately and wish for a smooth transition (or one that won't rock the boat), it sounds like you're just doing the best you can in the relationship before walking away. Sometimes scrutinizing the worst of his behavior before you leave really does help you LET GO. It severs the ties so when you're done, you're TRULY DONE. And the anger at how you've let him treat you changes the love you had for him into something else...the beginnings of self respect. And I think that can be healthy. If you just up and walked out, you might end up missing him - and might go back if he promises to change later. Let's face it: SOOOO many women up and walk out on a relationship before they are TRULY ready and end up missing him, romanticizing the best parts of the relationship and forgetting the bad... At least in this way, she is getting a FULL DOSE of his douche bag ways and it will leave a permanently sour taste in her mouth.

Some women CAN up and leave - but that is if they're ready and their hearts are closed. Clearly, there is still love here. I don't think it's such a horrible idea that the OP is shining the harsh light of reality on the situation and truly observing how her behavior is met by her bf with an objective mind. I don't think she's doing it blindly but is actually observing and noting how she feels when she is treated this way. She's also allowing herself to get angry about it for the first time. And she's also slowly starting to let go and see him for who he is, not who he is promising to be. Come on now, ending a relationship is very hard and never perfect. Sometimes it is but sometimes it isn't and people aren't always ready when they should be.

I do think OP does see the truth and will leave if she doesn't see true change...and clearly there won't be any true meaningful change anytime soon. But I do have faith that the OP has her heart in the right place and is in the process of mourning the end of the relationship, getting angry with how she has let herself be treated and is on her way out. On her terms, on her timeline...however slow that may seem to us.

Whoever you are, I wish you the best. Every woman deserves to be treated with love and respect. I hope you never let this happen to yourself again. It isn't dependent on the man, it's dependent on the both of you. You set the rules, too. And you have 50% of the responsibility for the dynamics of this relationship and how the terms were set. I'm happy that you are finally realizing your true worth.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think I get where the OP is coming from. You still love him, even though you're mentally and emotionally preparing yourself to walk away. Every time you pack his lunch, you're adding another brick to the wall between you and him. Is that correct? It's not so much that you're a glutton for punishment or a masochist, at least not in my opinion, but rather that you continue to test him. Each time he fails miserably, it makes you angry and helps you let go in your mind and in your heart. Could this be the reason?

Since it sounds like you can't leave immediately and wish for a smooth transition (or one that won't rock the boat), it sounds like you're just doing the best you can in the relationship before walking away. Sometimes scrutinizing the worst of his behavior before you leave really does help you LET GO. It severs the ties so when you're done, you're TRULY DONE. And the anger at how you've let him treat you changes the love you had for him into something else...the beginnings of self respect. And I think that can be healthy. If you just up and walked out, you might end up missing him - and might go back if he promises to change later. Let's face it: SOOOO many women up and walk out on a relationship before they are TRULY ready and end up missing him, romanticizing the best parts of the relationship and forgetting the bad... At least in this way, she is getting a FULL DOSE of his douche bag ways and it will leave a permanently sour taste in her mouth.

Some women CAN up and leave - but that is if they're ready and their hearts are closed. Clearly, there is still love here. I don't think it's such a horrible idea that the OP is shining the harsh light of reality on the situation and truly observing how her behavior is met by her bf with an objective mind. I don't think she's doing it blindly but is actually observing and noting how she feels when she is treated this way. She's also allowing herself to get angry about it for the first time. And she's also slowly starting to let go and see him for who he is, not who he is promising to be. Come on now, ending a relationship is very hard and never perfect. Sometimes it is but sometimes it isn't and people aren't always ready when they should be.

I do think OP does see the truth and will leave if she doesn't see true change...and clearly there won't be any true meaningful change anytime soon. But I do have faith that the OP has her heart in the right place and is in the process of mourning the end of the relationship, getting angry with how she has let herself be treated and is on her way out. On her terms, on her timeline...however slow that may seem to us.

Whoever you are, I wish you the best. Every woman deserves to be treated with love and respect. I hope you never let this happen to yourself again. It isn't dependent on the man, it's dependent on the both of you. You set the rules, too. And you have 50% of the responsibility for the dynamics of this relationship and how the terms were set. I'm happy that you are finally realizing your true worth.

This is EVERYTHING I've been trying to convey without sounding like I'm some weak person who is letting him be horrible to me. Bliss, spot on.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I hope Bliss is right. Support and advice are great ... hopefully you've heard many different opinions and experiences that can help you process your own feelings & own unique experience. Nobody does this gracefully.

I read a quote from Office-writer/actress Mindy Kailing the other day that I found so funny/true ..... something like: I can't believe how much of my best friends' lives I wasted with drama about guys I don't even remember now.

It's true for EVERYONE. Good luck. You deserve better.

*edited for proper apostrophe usage. Heh.

 

[FrekeChild]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hugs!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Just want to wish you lots of luck. I know what Bliss is talking about--I set several internal deadlines with my then-boyfriend, now-husband before leaving. I wanted to give it everything I had. I knew if I walked away before I was ready, I'd be back. It was a long and unpleasant emotional journey, but I needed it. I also used my time strategizing my exit so that it would be easier when I was ready to pull the plug. I left before my final internal deadline (and before the lease was up). When you're ready, you're ready. When you've thought about this as much as you have, I can tell you that the act of finally breaking up and moving out feels more like a relief than anything.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I hope Bliss is right. Support and advice are great ... hopefully you've heard many different opinions and experiences that can help you process your own feelings & own unique experience. Nobody does this gracefully.

I read a quote from Office-writer/actress Mindy Kailing the other day that I found so funny/true ..... something like: I can't believe how much of my best friends' lives I wasted with drama about guys I don't even remember now.

It's true for EVERYONE. Good luck. You deserve better.

*edited for proper apostrophe usage. Heh.

Thank you deco. Really, I know your posts come across harsh, but I appreciate your blunt honesty.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hugs!

I'll take all I can get!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Just want to wish you lots of luck. I know what Bliss is talking about--I set several internal deadlines with my then-boyfriend, now-husband before leaving. I wanted to give it everything I had. I knew if I walked away before I was ready, I'd be back. It was a long and unpleasant emotional journey, but I needed it. I also used my time strategizing my exit so that it would be easier when I was ready to pull the plug. I left before my final internal deadline (and before the lease was up). When you're ready, you're ready. When you've thought about this as much as you have, I can tell you that the act of finally breaking up and moving out feels more like a relief than anything.

I'm getting there. I've started (online) shopping for all the things I'll need/want for a place of my own. Nothing like a little retail therapy!

Can I ask you how through all of what happened, that you ended up back with the same man and he is now your husband? I know over in FHH you two just recently bought a house and have some seriously amazing dogs. How did your lives just fall back into place into a system that works without backpedalling to where things weren't so great? You certainly don't have to share if I'm overstepping...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I tried to type up a short-ish response to you, but it ended up being a novel. I don't want to turn this into a conversation about everything I went through when I was ready to leave and how we ended up coming back together, so I will just narrow it down to these two important points:

1.) I did what was best for me and let him figure out his life on his own. No hand-holding. No support. In fact, no contact.

My husband is also an adventurous type. He is a loner, he has no need for "stuff" and to this day he'll buy a last-minute plane ticket to Eurpope for a long weekend if he has the itch to do so. He wanted to WANT marriage and in fact he set his own deadline and half-heartedly proposed when it passed. I knew immediately that he wasn't comfortable and it was the catalyst for my departure. Like you, I strategized and felt confident about leaving. Within hours of my plane departing, he bought the e-ring he couldn't bring himself to buy earlier and drove 24 hours to propose. He was a desperate mess. Luckily it was a 24 hour drive from our old house to my new house, so he wised up in the middle of it and realized he was a desperate mess. When he arrived on my doorstep, I told him to take a nap and go home. Instead he took 2 weeks off from work and spent his time hiking on the west coast. This is what adventurous loner types do. Once he got back to the east coast he sought a therapist to better understand why he was so afraid of being tied down. In the meantime, I truly moved on with my life.

He made the decision that he wanted everything that came with a future with me. Marriage, house, kids, a retirement fund. I have no doubt if he hadn't made that decision, we'd both be fine. I'd have fallen in love with somebody else at some point and he'd probably be climbing in the Himalayas...at least for awhile. I don't know if he would have ever gotten married. But we did. And he's never balked.

2.) My husband is still the same person he was, he's just more mature. Getting engaged didn't change anything.

I think it's important to note that just because D made the decision to get married and accept all the things that came with it, doesn't mean he's a different person. D is very responsible. He has a great career, he's an awesome husband--he's very caring, very sweet, very spontaneous and constantly makes me laugh. But, I accepted that he's never going to be a homebody. Every single weekend he'd rather be up in the mountains or driving 500 miles away to eat at a funky hamburger joint than mowing our lawn. He'll mow the lawn because that's his responsibility, but he's never going to be the kind of guy who can't wait to landscape on the weekends. It's the same with kids. He wants kids and I know he'll be a great dad, but I have a feeling that won't come until our kids are a bit older. Like camping-trip-aged. He's not going to be the dad who loves changing diapers. He's going to miss being able to drive 500 miles away to eat at that funky hamburger joint, you know? For us, it will always be a balance. I accepted it and I don't mind it...because I'm not attracted to the TV-watching homebody type, I'm attracted to the funny, adventurous, spontaneous type, but it has its downsides. I just think it's important to go into things with eyes wide open. You do have to accept the bad with the good--if your boyfriend is inherently selfish and hates the idea of being tied down, it's not going to completely disappear.

Okay, so this still turned out to be really long and ultimately, the point is the same: focus on yourself. Stop helping him. If he's going to grow up, he has to do it on his own or he really won't be doing it at all. At this point, you've done what you can do and the ball is really in your court. No more waiting for him to figure it out. I wish you tons of luck!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I tried to type up a short-ish response to you, but it ended up being a novel. I don't want to turn this into a conversation about everything I went through when I was ready to leave and how we ended up coming back together, so I will just narrow it down to these two important points:

1.) I did what was best for me and let him figure out his life on his own. No hand-holding. No support. In fact, no contact.

My husband is also an adventurous type. He is a loner, he has no need for "stuff" and to this day he'll buy a last-minute plane ticket to Eurpope for a long weekend if he has the itch to do so. He wanted to WANT marriage and in fact he set his own deadline and half-heartedly proposed when it passed. I knew immediately that he wasn't comfortable and it was the catalyst for my departure. Like you, I strategized and felt confident about leaving. Within hours of my plane departing, he bought the e-ring he couldn't bring himself to buy earlier and drove 24 hours to propose. He was a desperate mess. Luckily it was a 24 hour drive from our old house to my new house, so he wised up in the middle of it and realized he was a desperate mess. When he arrived on my doorstep, I told him to take a nap and go home. Instead he took 2 weeks off from work and spent his time hiking on the west coast. This is what adventurous loner types do. Once he got back to the east coast he sought a therapist to better understand why he was so afraid of being tied down. In the meantime, I truly moved on with my life.

He made the decision that he wanted everything that came with a future with me. Marriage, house, kids, a retirement fund. I have no doubt if he hadn't made that decision, we'd both be fine. I'd have fallen in love with somebody else at some point and he'd probably be climbing in the Himalayas...at least for awhile. I don't know if he would have ever gotten married. But we did. And he's never balked.

2.) My husband is still the same person he was, he's just more mature. Getting engaged didn't change anything.

I think it's important to note that just because D made the decision to get married and accept all the things that came with it, doesn't mean he's a different person. D is very responsible. He has a great career, he's an awesome husband--he's very caring, very sweet, very spontaneous and constantly makes me laugh. But, I accepted that he's never going to be a homebody. Every single weekend he'd rather be up in the mountains or driving 500 miles away to eat at a funky hamburger joint than mowing our lawn. He'll mow the lawn because that's his responsibility, but he's never going to be the kind of guy who can't wait to landscape on the weekends. It's the same with kids. He wants kids and I know he'll be a great dad, but I have a feeling that won't come until our kids are a bit older. Like camping-trip-aged. He's not going to be the dad who loves changing diapers. He's going to miss being able to drive 500 miles away to eat at that funky hamburger joint, you know? For us, it will always be a balance. I accepted it and I don't mind it...because I'm not attracted to the TV-watching homebody type, I'm attracted to the funny, adventurous, spontaneous type, but it has its downsides. I just think it's important to go into things with eyes wide open. You do have to accept the bad with the good--if your boyfriend is inherently selfish and hates the idea of being tied down, it's not going to completely disappear.

Okay, so this still turned out to be really long and ultimately, the point is the same: focus on yourself. Stop helping him. If he's going to grow up, he has to do it on his own or he really won't be doing it at all. At this point, you've done what you can do and the ball is really in your court. No more waiting for him to figure it out. I wish you tons of luck!

Thanks NEL. I get what you mean. I feel, like you, that I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this because despite that I love him, he's not respecting me, he's not considering my needs even to the same level as his, and I'm really feeling like he doesn't WANT it. I think someday he will grow up and emotionally be ready for this type of commitment, but that could take years, and I'm not sure I'm willing to gamble my 20s away to someone who after nearly 6 years can't commit to me. As far as your #2, it's something I'm worried about to. Even if we spend time apart, he has time to grow up, we both decide what we want in a non-pressure/non-stressful atmosphere, even if we want the same things, can I accept that he is never going to be the kind of person who would rather spend time as a family than flying airplanes? BF is also not the type to have children. I think he is one of the reasons I think I don't want them. If I'm honest with myself and remove him from the equation, I think I would want child(ren). Being with him is choosing not to have child(ren). Since we don't enjoy (at least at this point in our lives) the same types of non-home and non-work activities, choosing not to have them with someone I'm not sure I'm completely compatible with kind of frightens me. I'm not sure I can accept it. I also know that I can not change it. Something's got to give and for now, the only thing I think that can be done is to each take some space so we can try and figure this out.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

NEL - how much time lapsed between walking out, him working out his issues, and getting back together (not necessarily engaged/married, but back together)? Was there absolutely no contact during this period? Were you 'together' but not living together?

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Have you looked into what the penalty would be to break your lease? Is there any way to work with your landlord and only have to pay for the time the apartment is unoccupied? That way you could have this conversation earlier and start moving forward instead of trying to live in an increasingly uncomfortable situation.

I was leaning in this direction for you too (breaking your part of the lease). Your well being is worth more than what it would cost. I would just move out and consider the money you have to pay to fulfill your lease, a life's lesson. At this point, it seems you know exactly what to do. Others on PS have given you great advice to fill in what you might not have thought of. Let him know you intend to move out, that you are not just throwing around threats to make him change. He cannot change with you there. He just can't, so your staying isn't helping either one of you. If you are gone, he can learn to do his own stuff better. Whether you two can make it or not, is not on the table right now. He is not relationship with you, ready. Although some posts seem harsh right now, when you have moved past this dark place, you will actually see they maybe helped you see how things really look. I am pretty sure you haven't packed and left, because you aren't ready to deal with the possible death of your relationship. It is the old "A bad boyfriend who MIGHT change and love me, is better than NO boyfriend". I watched a movie once, where the actress said she didn't leave her not so great guy, because she was afraid that she would leave him, when he was going to completely change tomorrow, and she would have left him one day too soon. Believe me, when you find someone new, who treats you wonderful (and they are out there), or if he switches gears and starts taking care of you better, you will wonder why you waited so long to make the move. A bird in the hand isn't ALWAYS better than 2 in the bush. You have always sounded VERY resourceful, so letting a lease or lack of funds get in your way if you REALLY want to move out, doesn't make sense. An old Psychology teacher use to use extremes to make a point, like...What if your life was in danger, you would find a way out no matter what. Things aren't that out of control, I know, but you get the point. You are just not ready to leave yet. (are you a little afraid that if you move out, he won't care that much and just find another girlfriend/mother to take care of him?) If he really loves you, he will move heaven and earth to make it work. Sometimes you just have to face things head on, and not postpone the inevitable, which is, if you want a caring, unselfish partner, he probably isn't the one, and you will have to face a life of servitude with him, or get out.
Hugs to you!!! Leaving someone you thought you were going to marry is hard, really hard. Venting is a great coping skill, so I for one will be reading you posts and hoping you find a resolution that is good for you.
Stay strong!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The separation wasn't terribly long, but preparing to leave seemed to take me forever and the months before I finally left were the worst of my life. I think I started seeing a therapist that spring in order to help me mentally prepare for leaving the relationshp. Anyway, I moved out in mid-November and he proposed Feb. 2nd. He drove from the east coast to the midwest twice in November, but I wasn't exactly welcoming. I was strict about no contact--I changed my number and blocked his numbers from my work number. I didn't read his emails.

I don't want to dive into the part where we both started healing becaue it's not terribly relevant for you right now. Basically, I moved on with my life. I cried it out in the bathtub for an hour each day, but otherwise life was normal. He was going through much more--he sought a therapist for his anxiety around commitment in late Nov. and was in a much better place by December. He did move on with his life, too, but for him it just made it more clear how much he wanted a life with me. BUT! We both had lingering resentment that we had to address, so it's not like everything was magically better.

I do understand not wanting to gamble away your twenties hoping that your relationship might start meeting your needs. I left when I was 25 (he was 27) and everybody thought I wasn't giving him enough time. We'd been together 7 years, we'd graduated from college years ago and we were somewhat settled in our careers. We lived together, had a dog...I wasn't really willing to continue waiting around for him to decide if he wanted to marry me. My self esteem was in shambles as it was.

I will say that for me, the kids issue would be too much. And I'm not even one of those women who couldn't wait to be a mom. When I was a teen, I didn't think I wanted kids. By the time I was in my early twenties, I wasn't sure, but didn't want to rule it out..it just felt like a lifetime away. By my mid-twenties I knew I wanted them someday. If D had said "I definitely do not want kids" then I would have left and not looked back.

I will also say that the month before I moved was pure hell. I knew it wasn't going to work within a couple of weeks of his desperate proposal in September. I flew out to the midwest to look at apartments in October, but wanted to give myself until December to tie up everything at work. By November I couldn't take anymore (and didn't want to go through the holidays in misery), so I left before Thanksgiving. That month was spent packing up all of my stuff, booking movers, trying to work out the logistics of working from 1,500 miles from my office. I didn't worry so much about the lease--if D wanted a roommate, he could find one...that wasn't my job. It's okay if you feel overwhelmed. It's an overwhelming decision, but once it's done you'll wish you'd done it sooner.

 

[INdmbLove]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Although I did not live with my ex... ME ME ME! I tooottally understand what you're going through. Deep down I always knew that we were wrong for one another. It got more and more obvious the older we got. We also met when I was 18 and were together for 7 (dreadful) years.
Like you- we had huge- dealbreaker issues.
Marriage- Children- Addiction (gambling, not drugs)- Money- Family... idk, I could go on and on.

I always tried to conform to understand that we were different- and that since "we" were together, we'd compromise (AKA- I always just conformed to how he saw things)

It all boiled down to the marriage issue- He always dangled that carrot, and I thought I was in love- so whatever it took- I'd make it happen- until it was down to the wire (going to put the deposit down on a location for the wedding)- he told me he never wanted to Ever marry me. We broke up. It was hard! For a long time I cried and just didn't know what to do- or even what to tell people- b/c I didn't want to make them disappointed in me. We continued to hang out after the break up until I just cut ALL ties one day and moved on.

We now are able to talk every so often. Just to make sure the other is doing ok (and sometimes I wonder if he's just trying to find out if I am single yet... which... NO, won't probably ever happen again). He told me that he was shocked that I cut ties with him when I did. He just figured that we'd get back together and repeat the cycle. Thank GOD, that's not the case.

I know it's hard- but you've got to wait for what YOU want. I can't even explain to you the amount of unhappiness, emptiness, just CRAP I felt with my ex. Every ounce of that has been truly wiped away with finding someone that completely understands and wants everything that I do. We've not yet moved in together- so that's a journey yet to be ventured- but knowing the two of us- we'll figure it all out with mutual respect and input.

Good Luck!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Have you looked into what the penalty would be to break your lease? Is there any way to work with your landlord and only have to pay for the time the apartment is unoccupied? That way you could have this conversation earlier and start moving forward instead of trying to live in an increasingly uncomfortable situation.

I was leaning in this direction for you too (breaking your part of the lease). Your well being is worth more than what it would cost. I would just move out and consider the money you have to pay to fulfill your lease, a life's lesson. At this point, it seems you know exactly what to do. Others on PS have given you great advice to fill in what you might not have thought of. Let him know you intend to move out, that you are not just throwing around threats to make him change. He cannot change with you there. He just can't, so your staying isn't helping either one of you. If you are gone, he can learn to do his own stuff better. Whether you two can make it or not, is not on the table right now. He is not relationship with you, ready. Although some posts seem harsh right now, when you have moved past this dark place, you will actually see they maybe helped you see how things really look. I am pretty sure you haven't packed and left, because you aren't ready to deal with the possible death of your relationship. It is the old "A bad boyfriend who MIGHT change and love me, is better than NO boyfriend". I watched a movie once, where the actress said she didn't leave her not so great guy, because she was afraid that she would leave him, when he was going to completely change tomorrow, and she would have left him one day too soon. Believe me, when you find someone new, who treats you wonderful (and they are out there), or if he switches gears and starts taking care of you better, you will wonder why you waited so long to make the move. A bird in the hand isn't ALWAYS better than 2 in the bush. You have always sounded VERY resourceful, so letting a lease or lack of funds get in your way if you REALLY want to move out, doesn't make sense. An old Psychology teacher use to use extremes to make a point, like...What if your life was in danger, you would find a way out no matter what. Things aren't that out of control, I know, but you get the point. You are just not ready to leave yet. (are you a little afraid that if you move out, he won't care that much and just find another girlfriend/mother to take care of him?) If he really loves you, he will move heaven and earth to make it work. Sometimes you just have to face things head on, and not postpone the inevitable, which is, if you want a caring, unselfish partner, he probably isn't the one, and you will have to face a life of servitude with him, or get out.
Hugs to you!!! Leaving someone you thought you were going to marry is hard, really hard. Venting is a great coping skill, so I for one will be reading you posts and hoping you find a resolution that is good for you.
Stay strong!

Just to clarify - I am NOT still with him because I'm worried about what else is out there. I know at my age there is PLENTY out there and I know that I am a catch to the right person, and I also know that he is also a catch for the right person. I'm feeling that we're not the right people for eachother hence the headbutitng...breaking the lease is simply not an option. It is substantially more expensive than just finishing the lease, and like I said before, the money issues we're having is mostly because I was overspending to help cover where he was lacking and we have no savings. I'm also trying to go on a study abroad (short one, couple of weeks) late this summer that is EXPENSIVE so I'm saving my pennies for that too. Our schedules are so different at the moment we're not just loafing around at home much anyway and while he's been cold and distant, we're not fighting so I'm not worried right now. Even when I tell him I don't want to live together next year, I hope that I still come across as doing this as a step to eventually move forward and not as this is the end. I'm hoping if I can keep that mentality up and spirit alive that we'll make it through this lease. Where we go from there, well, we'll see how much effort we each put into this when we're not forced to see each other everyday.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The separation wasn't terribly long, but preparing to leave seemed to take me forever and the months before I finally left were the worst of my life. I think I started seeing a therapist that spring in order to help me mentally prepare for leaving the relationshp. Anyway, I moved out in mid-November and he proposed Feb. 2nd. He drove from the east coast to the midwest twice in November, but I wasn't exactly welcoming. I was strict about no contact--I changed my number and blocked his numbers from my work number. I didn't read his emails.

I don't want to dive into the part where we both started healing becaue it's not terribly relevant for you right now. Basically, I moved on with my life. I cried it out in the bathtub for an hour each day, but otherwise life was normal. He was going through much more--he sought a therapist for his anxiety around commitment in late Nov. and was in a much better place by December. He did move on with his life, too, but for him it just made it more clear how much he wanted a life with me. BUT! We both had lingering resentment that we had to address, so it's not like everything was magically better.

I do understand not wanting to gamble away your twenties hoping that your relationship might start meeting your needs. I left when I was 25 (he was 27) and everybody thought I wasn't giving him enough time. We'd been together 7 years, we'd graduated from college years ago and we were somewhat settled in our careers. We lived together, had a dog...I wasn't really willing to continue waiting around for him to decide if he wanted to marry me. My self esteem was in shambles as it was.

I will say that for me, the kids issue would be too much. And I'm not even one of those women who couldn't wait to be a mom. When I was a teen, I didn't think I wanted kids. By the time I was in my early twenties, I wasn't sure, but didn't want to rule it out..it just felt like a lifetime away. By my mid-twenties I knew I wanted them someday. If D had said "I definitely do not want kids" then I would have left and not looked back.

I will also say that the month before I moved was pure hell. I knew it wasn't going to work within a couple of weeks of his desperate proposal in September. I flew out to the midwest to look at apartments in October, but wanted to give myself until December to tie up everything at work. By November I couldn't take anymore (and didn't want to go through the holidays in misery), so I left before Thanksgiving. That month was spent packing up all of my stuff, booking movers, trying to work out the logistics of working from 1,500 miles from my office. I didn't worry so much about the lease--if D wanted a roommate, he could find one...that wasn't my job. It's okay if you feel overwhelmed. It's an overwhelming decision, but once it's done you'll wish you'd done it sooner.

We'll see how it goes. I definitely have the mentality to get through the lease and have the strength to say we need to live apart. I'm prepared for that and the talk about it will come in the next few weeks. The kids issue may end up being too much, but I want to give myself to reflect and really consider what I want without living with him. I feel like living together puts me in the partnership mentality and a lot (or all) of my decisions are made with him in mind. If I can get some of that independence back, I think it'll give me the clarity to decide what I want for *me*. In terms of the lease, I can't just leave, both our names are on the lease, it's only a one bedroom, so it's not like BF could get a roommate and I can't afford to pay for 2 places. After I let him know we're not going to live togther next year, I do have places I can go if it goes south and south quickly...I'm ready either way. This will either fix or end our relationship, but it has to happen. If we keep going on like this we will breakup and it won't be pretty. Living apart is the only way for me to feel like I have some control back and we'll just have to go from there.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Although I did not live with my ex... ME ME ME! I tooottally understand what you're going through. Deep down I always knew that we were wrong for one another. It got more and more obvious the older we got. We also met when I was 18 and were together for 7 (dreadful) years.
Like you- we had huge- dealbreaker issues.
Marriage- Children- Addiction (gambling, not drugs)- Money- Family... idk, I could go on and on.

I always tried to conform to understand that we were different- and that since "we" were together, we'd compromise (AKA- I always just conformed to how he saw things)

It all boiled down to the marriage issue- He always dangled that carrot, and I thought I was in love- so whatever it took- I'd make it happen- until it was down to the wire (going to put the deposit down on a location for the wedding)- he told me he never wanted to Ever marry me. We broke up. It was hard! For a long time I cried and just didn't know what to do- or even what to tell people- b/c I didn't want to make them disappointed in me. We continued to hang out after the break up until I just cut ALL ties one day and moved on.

We now are able to talk every so often. Just to make sure the other is doing ok (and sometimes I wonder if he's just trying to find out if I am single yet... which... NO, won't probably ever happen again). He told me that he was shocked that I cut ties with him when I did. He just figured that we'd get back together and repeat the cycle. Thank GOD, that's not the case.

I know it's hard- but you've got to wait for what YOU want. I can't even explain to you the amount of unhappiness, emptiness, just CRAP I felt with my ex. Every ounce of that has been truly wiped away with finding someone that completely understands and wants everything that I do. We've not yet moved in together- so that's a journey yet to be ventured- but knowing the two of us- we'll figure it all out with mutual respect and input.

Good Luck!

That's me, I feel like these things are things I'm willing to compromise on, but he is all about what HE wants and what's good for HIM. I don't think compromise is in his vocabulary. BF hasn't dangled any carrots, he SAYS he wants to get married one day but his ACTIONS don't show that. He isn't considerate about my feelings towards money and savings, and he doesn't want to help with anything. I'm telling you that I feel more like a mother or employee to him than a partner. It's going to be a long road either way, and I appreciate your story and support!

 

[FrekeChild]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hows it going AP?

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hows it going AP?

Things are going. We had a fun weekend thankfully and got out and hung out with friends today, just got home in fact.

I feel like despite the fact that he has been picking up after himself etc that there is still a lot of tension. We both snapped at each other Thursday night when I told him to do something himself and he negated what I do for the household and said that me do everything doesn't even make us even with all the work he does outside of the house. I'll give him that he does a lot, but I do a lot too. It really makes me feel unappreciated. He snapped that if I want him to do everything for himself then we may as well live as roommates under the same roof. I told him that is not what I want, but that I want a full partner. I told him he needed to think about what he wanted because it was time to step up, or step down. I don't want to live as roommates, but I'm not going to continue living as half of a partnership where I'm unappreciated for what I contribute. I think saying that shocked him a bit and it dropped for the night. My deadline that I have set for myself is the first week of April where if things haven't SERIOUSLY changed around here (and so far, there have been changes, but nothing severe), that I'm going to tell him that we need to live apart right now. There's no point in living together as roommates, I want to live together when we're both equally ready to be involved in a partnership. He's not ready to consider my feelings or thoughts when making decisions for himself.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He snapped that if I want him to do everything for himself then we may as well live as roommates under the same roof. I told him that is not what I want, but that I want a full partner. I told him he needed to think about what he wanted because it was time to step up, or step down. I don't want to live as roommates, but I'm not going to continue living as half of a partnership where I'm unappreciated for what I contribute. I think saying that shocked him a bit and it dropped for the night. My deadline that I have set for myself is the first week of April where if things haven't SERIOUSLY changed around here (and so far, there have been changes, but nothing severe), that I'm going to tell him that we need to live apart right now. There's no point in living together as roommates, I want to live together when we're both equally ready to be involved in a partnership. He's not ready to consider my feelings or thoughts when making decisions for himself.

AP,

I hope you understand just how out of line his "roommate" comment is. There are plenty of men out there that don't mind stepping up to the plate and being responsible. My husband and I have a very unique relationship when it comes to our home. We literally do "live as roommates" when it comes to chores, but it works wonderfully for us. My husband works Monday through Friday while I work Thursday through Monday - in other words, we hardly see each other. To make matters worse, he doesn't get home from work until about 7:30-8:00 at night, yet we both have to be in bed by 10:00 at the latest because we start work early. We have learned that because of our very different schedules, it is just more convenient for us to be in charge of our own tasks. I do my laundry, he does his. I go grocery shopping on my day off, he goes on his. If he needs something from the store, I pick it up and vice versa, but for the most part we are responsible for getting our own stuff. I eat dinner at a different time than he does, so I cook for me, he cooks for himself - I do my dishes, he does his. We have separate bathrooms so I'm in charge of keeping my bathroom clean, he's in charge of keeping his clean... you see where I'm going with this? Now, when I describe this to others, they are often shocked at, essentially, what a "bad wife" I am because I don't do his laundry, cleaning, or cooking, but the truth is I just don't equate those things with love. What's more important to emphasize is that my husband doesn't mind that I don't do those things for him. He doesn't consider a spouse as a maid, and thank goodness for that! I find it quite offensive that your boyfriend is trying to tell you that if you don't do absolutely everything for him, you two may as well not be in a relationship. That's just ridiculous. There ARE men out there, REAL men, that can take care of themselves without making you feel guilty. I hope you find one of those men, because you deserve one!

 

[Novel]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP, I've been lurking on your situation and am so sorry you're going through this, but like sonnyjane, this last line of his made me feel like I need to speak up. I've been living with my boyfriend for almost three years and because he just finished his PhD, I bring home the majority of the money to the apt and pay the majority of the rent (not the vast majority, a roughly 60/40 split). I travel more for work, work in an office while he teaches, etc.

I cook and take equal care of our pets, but he does the laundry and the grocery shopping. I'd like to say we clean equally, but we don't. I have a higher tolerance for mess, so generally, he gets fed up with sloppiness before I do, and we put things away together because he asked me to. Am I proud of that? No. Do I want to get defensive when he tells me its time to clean up? Yes. Could our relationship (we've been together 5 years) survive if every time he asked me to join him in our responsibility I got upset with him? Probably not. His resentment of me would be too much.

He does more of the household stuff because that is who he is and because I'm chronically ill and have very limited energy. If either of us thought he did it because I make more money and work more hours outside the home, I don't think we could do it. This isn't to say things can't change for you, but just to say that this attitude is not ok (which I know you know) and to ask, what would happen if you got sick or hurt or couldn't do, for some reason, what you do for him? What if the balance of power changed in terms of money or work, as it does in relationships? Would he take care of himself? Would he take care of the pets and the dishes and the laundry for you?

I know I don't know you and that these are harsh questions, but you sound like a thoughtful and wonderful young woman, and I'm glad you have a deadline.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls,

He has GIVEN AWAY HIS HAND. He has told you *exactly how he feels about the situation*. Its up to YOU to LISTEN UP & BELIEVE IT. These are, as I see it, the key points:

1) He believes that he ALREADY contributes more than half of the couple's "work" (i.e. - already doing TOO MUCH, the OPPOSITE of "compelled to do more")

2) If you don't "pull your weight" exactly as is right now then you do not deserve love, affection, sex etc: You will be relegated to "roommate" effective immediately. Your relationship is contingent on how much YOU contribute to HIM. And you better get moving missy, because YOU ARE SLACKING!

Are you getting the picture here? Because it is CRYSTAL CLEAR (in my opinion).

 

[Blackpaw]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hey AP, I have to agree with Deco on this one - as much as it might hurt to admit it its clear that he doesnt see a problem with the status quo. He may never see it, but he certainly wont see it if things stay as they are, you have to change them dramatically, ie, move out asap.

Hope you're ok...

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He snapped that if I want him to do everything for himself then we may as well live as roommates under the same roof. I told him that is not what I want, but that I want a full partner. I told him he needed to think about what he wanted because it was time to step up, or step down. I don't want to live as roommates, but I'm not going to continue living as half of a partnership where I'm unappreciated for what I contribute. I think saying that shocked him a bit and it dropped for the night. My deadline that I have set for myself is the first week of April where if things haven't SERIOUSLY changed around here (and so far, there have been changes, but nothing severe), that I'm going to tell him that we need to live apart right now. There's no point in living together as roommates, I want to live together when we're both equally ready to be involved in a partnership. He's not ready to consider my feelings or thoughts when making decisions for himself.

AP,

I hope you understand just how out of line his "roommate" comment is. There are plenty of men out there that don't mind stepping up to the plate and being responsible. My husband and I have a very unique relationship when it comes to our home. We literally do "live as roommates" when it comes to chores, but it works wonderfully for us. My husband works Monday through Friday while I work Thursday through Monday - in other words, we hardly see each other. To make matters worse, he doesn't get home from work until about 7:30-8:00 at night, yet we both have to be in bed by 10:00 at the latest because we start work early. We have learned that because of our very different schedules, it is just more convenient for us to be in charge of our own tasks. I do my laundry, he does his. I go grocery shopping on my day off, he goes on his. If he needs something from the store, I pick it up and vice versa, but for the most part we are responsible for getting our own stuff. I eat dinner at a different time than he does, so I cook for me, he cooks for himself - I do my dishes, he does his. We have separate bathrooms so I'm in charge of keeping my bathroom clean, he's in charge of keeping his clean... you see where I'm going with this? Now, when I describe this to others, they are often shocked at, essentially, what a "bad wife" I am because I don't do his laundry, cleaning, or cooking, but the truth is I just don't equate those things with love. What's more important to emphasize is that my husband doesn't mind that I don't do those things for him. He doesn't consider a spouse as a maid, and thank goodness for that! I find it quite offensive that your boyfriend is trying to tell you that if you don't do absolutely everything for him, you two may as well not be in a relationship. That's just ridiculous. There ARE men out there, REAL men, that can take care of themselves without making you feel guilty. I hope you find one of those men, because you deserve one!

Your situation is unique and one where the roommate situation works. You're so right, it was out of line and I thought it was ridiculous. No matter how I try to explain how much I do for us, he AWLAYS thinks he does so much more. I've asked him point blank what he contributes to this household other than his half of the shared bills, he fumbled trying to come up with something but it was very obvious he couldn't think of anything because he doesn't contribute anything else. He then tried to downplay what I do to make himself feel better about his lack of contributions. Thanks for the support!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

AP, I've been lurking on your situation and am so sorry you're going through this, but like sonnyjane, this last line of his made me feel like I need to speak up. I've been living with my boyfriend for almost three years and because he just finished his PhD, I bring home the majority of the money to the apt and pay the majority of the rent (not the vast majority, a roughly 60/40 split). I travel more for work, work in an office while he teaches, etc.

I cook and take equal care of our pets, but he does the laundry and the grocery shopping. I'd like to say we clean equally, but we don't. I have a higher tolerance for mess, so generally, he gets fed up with sloppiness before I do, and we put things away together because he asked me to. Am I proud of that? No. Do I want to get defensive when he tells me its time to clean up? Yes. Could our relationship (we've been together 5 years) survive if every time he asked me to join him in our responsibility I got upset with him? Probably not. His resentment of me would be too much.

He does more of the household stuff because that is who he is and because I'm chronically ill and have very limited energy. If either of us thought he did it because I make more money and work more hours outside the home, I don't think we could do it. This isn't to say things can't change for you, but just to say that this attitude is not ok (which I know you know) and to ask, what would happen if you got sick or hurt or couldn't do, for some reason, what you do for him? What if the balance of power changed in terms of money or work, as it does in relationships? Would he take care of himself? Would he take care of the pets and the dishes and the laundry for you?

I know I don't know you and that these are harsh questions, but you sound like a thoughtful and wonderful young woman, and I'm glad you have a deadline.

Thanks for contributing your story. What you said is also correct. I am the OCD everything has to be clean crazy lady, but even so, he won't help even when directly asked to without huffing and puffing about me doing it better, I don't want to, blah blah blah. And resentment has built and our relationship is definitely suffering from it. I have deadline and I intend to stick to it.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls,

He has GIVEN AWAY HIS HAND. He has told you *exactly how he feels about the situation*. Its up to YOU to LISTEN UP & BELIEVE IT. These are, as I see it, the key points:

1) He believes that he ALREADY contributes more than half of the couple's "work" (i.e. - already doing TOO MUCH, the OPPOSITE of "compelled to do more")

2) If you don't "pull your weight" exactly as is right now then you do not deserve love, affection, sex etc: You will be relegated to "roommate" effective immediately. Your relationship is contingent on how much YOU contribute to HIM. And you better get moving missy, because YOU ARE SLACKING!

Are you getting the picture here? Because it is CRYSTAL CLEAR (in my opinion).

It is crystal clear. I've heard it, I see it. I know you are right and things aren't going to change. I was so furious with him last night I almost walked out right then. Another story that doesn't need to be told, all boiling down to him being so incredibly selfish. Deadline is up in a few weeks, we have to give notice for our apartment. In a few months time, this will be over.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hey AP, I have to agree with Deco on this one - as much as it might hurt to admit it its clear that he doesnt see a problem with the status quo. He may never see it, but he certainly wont see it if things stay as they are, you have to change them dramatically, ie, move out asap.

Hope you're ok...

Thanks. He likes the status quo exactly how it is. I'm unhappy so I have to change it. The only way to change it is to be drastic and move out. Beginning of April is my internal deadline for letting him know.

I am okay, and I will be okay. It's hard right now to think about the person you love so much not having the same feelings for you. He says over and over again that he does, but love is verb...his actions do not speak love.