Can you NOT invite a significant other?

[scm1012]

OMG it is so good to know I''m not alone. Situation sucks -- but it''s good to know other people are going through this.

Okay, here''s my deal.

FI has a group of best friends and then a group of close friends totaling about 10 guys. One of the guys (who is not one of his best friends) is a really great guy.....but his FI is AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL. Now, she never did anything skeezy to her guy or mine but she is so rude/uppity/prissy/impassive/etc. I''ve known them for almost 6 years and it''s the same old story. When we get together, she is totally abrasive, not friendly, overall lacking in manners. I used to try to be nice, try to get to know her...which is so opposite of who I am because if I don''t like someone, I basically don''t go out of my way to be nice. I figured for the friend''s sake, I would just do my best. But screw that, now I just basically say hello and leave it at that and do my own thing. If I go to their house, I take a magazine or my planner and do my own stuff. I text on my phone, play blackjack, etc. I don''t feel one bit rude in doing that. Oh, something else I do because I can''t stand this girl so much....if the group is having a get-together, I will drop FI off for a couple of hours, go shopping and then show up and stay for a short while. haha . I If she talks to me, I say hello, smile and don''t go any further. There is no way in hell I''ll ever again go out of my way to be anything but cordial to her. Who knows, she might dislike me as much as I dislike her.

Anyway -- the couple is getting married this summer. They invited us so....I guess this means we have to invite them to our wedding celebration next year. I toyed with the idea of not inviting the couple at all because of her....but that isn''t really fair to the guy. He is really nice and it''s not his fault his FI is a biatch.

So I have to suggest that you either suck it up and be the better person and invite them as a couple....or don''t invite them at all. You would be stooping down to her level if you only invited him therby causing more drama. And if your guy is that good of friends with her guy, chances are you will be in each other''s lives for a very long time. Might as well make the best of it. Don''t be extra nice, kiss her ass, make the extra effort. Just be polite, cordial and ignore her as she ignores you. Give her a taste of her own medicine -- she''ll notice. And even then, screw her.

In my situation, when the couple got engaged, I congratulated her and that was it. I didn''t get giddy or ask to see her ugly ring. I saw her the other day and said hello and totally ignored her. Once she was drunk, she was talking to me but I just stood there and listened without responding.

Let us know what happens.

 

[allycat0303]

I really didn''t push at all for my guy to tell E. For many reasons, the first being, it''s a little sleazy but really at the end, no harm no foul, and maybe she was going through some sort of hard time in the relationship, so although I dislike her, I really don''t want to ruin her 5 year relationship.

And I''m more of the ''''it''s none of my business what happens in someone else''s relationship''''. One of a our couple''s friends was unfaithful (the guy doesn''t know). The girl is my close friend and the guy is a close friend of guy. We both know, and we''re not about to tell for many reasons a) maybe he already knows about the infidelity, and they decided to work it out, and it would humiliate him to know that others know b) it''s really up to her to confess.

Maybe M will ignore me at the wedding too. Which would be really funny when I present them with their favors or at the recieving line

.

I''ll seat them far away from us and practice "polite smile...thank you for coming.'''' But I''m not stretching furthur then that. Although I will be hoping, beyond hope that she decides not to come.

 

[HollyS]

Your feelings are the only ones that matter here. Your FI knows she was coming on to him by sending him gifts, emails, and inviting him over. He should have the good sense to NOT invite this friend. Actually, he should have had the good sense to inform his friend of his girlfriend''s duplicity. That would have solved the whole problem. Either the firiend would have broken off with the girlfriend, or he would no longer be your FI''s friend.

They would not get invited. Period; no discussion necessary. And if the friend asked why, he would be told the truth.

 

[diamondfan]

If she does come, you have a game plan, and then, after the wedding, you do not have to spend tons of time with her socially. Hubby can see his best pal, and if you get invited there for big events, you can avoid her or chose not to go. But I get why you do not like her. Just try to have some pity for her, she might be very insecure or unhappy and does not know what to do with herself.

 

[gtn]

I say you invite "E and guest". I have a really close guy friend who''s now wife didn''t like me because I was good friends with all of her guy friends. Even though I was the one who introduced them. Anyway, he didn''t tell me about the engagment and did not mention the wedding, even after they got married. I found out at another friend''s wedding. I was really hurt by this since I was very close to him and we were good friends. I suspect that he and his wife had a similar conversation about me, and rather than inviting me, he chose to shield me from the fact that he was engaged and getting married. I have not told him about my engament, but I have told our other friend. I know I''m being petty here, I guess I should tell him. I guess I will try to be the better person and starting mending our relationship. Maybe she will let him talk to me again (she would call him every 20-30 minutes when she knew we were hanging out) since she they are married and I am getting married.

OK, sorry about the thread jack, but yeah, invite the gf as not to offend E. If you FI and E are really that close, that could seriously hurt their relationship.

 

[janinegirly]

if it''s any consolation i cannot STAND my DH''s brother''s girlfriend. She''s ditzy, materialistic, needy, self-absorbed, AND 15 years younger than the brother. There are other things but suffice to say I wish I didn''t have to invite her, but obviously I did. Not only that, she jumped into family photos (photographer which I paid for!). I had to invite her to the bridal shower as well (didn''t want DH''s family to feel in the middle). But I pretty much ignore her so she knows I don''t think much of her. So it could be worse!

 

[mimzy]

i agree that you should invite her. but whatever you do, don't create a lot of drama about it, and don't spend too much time thinking about it. if you are normally a gracious person, don't let this girl change you - invite her. it shouldn't matter how many times she has slighted you or how much you dislike her; be happy that E will be in attendance and dont' give it another thought after that. you have a million other things to think about when it comes to your wedding and this girl shouldn't even be a blimp on your radar. so she's not your biggest fan, big deal, right? don't stoop to being petty about inviting her by causing a big fuss about it. if you treat her in any way that resembles the way she treats you out of resentment or malice then you are no better than she is.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 3/6/2008 2:31:15 PM
Author: mimzy
i agree that you should invite her. but whatever you do, don''t create a lot of drama about it, and don''t spend too much time thinking about it. if you are normally a gracious person, don''t let this girl change you - invite her. it shouldn''t matter how many times she has slighted you or how much you dislike her; be happy that E will be in attendance and dont'' give it another thought after that. you have a million other things to think about when it comes to your wedding and this girl shouldn''t even be a blimp on your radar. so she''s not your biggest fan, big deal, right? don''t stoop to being petty about inviting her by causing a big fuss about it. if you treat her in any way that resembles the way she treats you out of resentment or malice then you are no better than she is.

DITTO mimzy, and DITTO Po10472. (Kinda feel like I''m calling "dibs" here.

)

Invite E "and guest," and forget about it. Do it for your FI, for your continued friendship with E, and for yourself. The wedding will be all about you and FI. Not inviting her -- E there obviously alone, or not there at all -- is more likely to be a distraction to you and FI on the day of than she will be if she shows up.

And personally, I wouldn''t go the telling-the-BF-about-your-suspicions route. You don''t need the additional drama in your life right now.

So you''re planning a wedding!

When is the big day?

 

[cara]

Errhh... No. Can''t not invite her.

Yes, there is a point at which you don''t have to invite significant others that have committed serious crimes/acts of violence/gross improprieties, but I don''t think this one passes that test. At least not if I am reading your details correctly.

Rather than focusing on feeding a meal to someone whom you don''t like, focus on inviting this good friend of your FI and his chosen partner of 5 years. At some point, his chosen partner is a reflection on him, and if this woman ever makes a more flagrant pass at your FI or a more flagrant display of rudeness to you, it will be your FI''s job to raise this behavior with his friend, out of concern for his friend or defense of you and his relationship with you.

As it stands now, you take the good with the bad and invite them both, for the sake of your FI''s friendship with the guy half of the couple.

 

[Class n Sass]

I know it''s rude but I would NOT invite her. I just couldn''t see paying for anyone that is so blatantly rude to me.

 

[zoebartlett]

I haven't read all of the responses but I think if you invite one, you need to invite both. She could always choose not to go. If you invite her, you wouldn't have to spend much time talking with M but I do think an invitation should be extended.

 

[FrekeChild]

I wouldn''t invite her. I''d probably do something a little on the evil side instead. I''m totally not about being the bigger person. At all.

I''d probably pretend to get really "drunk" and either tell her off or tell E that I don''t like M. I''m not one for self-restraint, but I''d have the alcohol to blame my openness on. Or call to explain that you''re putting, "and guest" on there because you''re hoping they''ll break up before the wedding.

Goodness. I''m freaking evil. And totally passive aggressive.

 

[allycat0303]

Aww, you gals are all great. I told my guy he could decide to do what he thinks is best, and then I zipped my lips and didn''t say another word. AND plan to stay that way. Although I DO hope she decides not to come. I just hate how you gals all keep me in line (and being mature about it)

. He''s going to mail the invitation for me though, so I don''t feel like I am inviting her personally (a mental thing really).

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/7/2008 6:15:15 AM
Author: allycat0303
Aww, you gals are all great. I told my guy he could decide to do what he thinks is best, and then I zipped my lips and didn''t say another word. AND plan to stay that way. Although I DO hope she decides not to come. I just hate how you gals all keep me in line (and being mature about it)

. He''s going to mail the invitation for me though, so I don''t feel like I am inviting her personally (a mental thing really).

I love it. This is totally something I would do!

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 3/6/2008 8:10:58 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I wouldn''t invite her. I''d probably do something a little on the evil side instead. I''m totally not about being the bigger person. At all.

I''d probably pretend to get really ''drunk'' and either tell her off or tell E that I don''t like M. I''m not one for self-restraint, but I''d have the alcohol to blame my openness on. Or call to explain that you''re putting, ''and guest'' on there because you''re hoping they''ll break up before the wedding.

Goodness. I''m freaking evil. And totally passive aggressive.

Oh my goodness!!!

Don''t do this!!!


(Even though it sounds tempting!

)

I think that would just cause more problems. Then you would be known as the drunk one, or the bitchy one. It''s so hard to take the better road but sometimes it just has to be done. You will feel better about it. But you know what? I would "and guest" her. I don''t care how rude it sounds but that is as far as I would go.

Just to add to this- I don''t want one of my SO''s friends there because he''s been cheating on his wife who has two brand new little babies at home. I''m thinking SO really doesn''t want him there either. He doesn''t even care that his wife is going to lose the house and car and can''t take care of the children herself. We''re all pretty disgusted with him and I''ve had prior problems with him which I won''t go into here.

It sucks to be in a situation like this.

(I would love to tell him off like you said Freke hahahha!)

 

[Rhea]

I think that''s the perfect response, Ally. What a great way to handle the situation!