Do some really like it small?

[allycat0303]

Christy, Fire&Ice:

I love open minds! I used to say that I would completely different from my parents but as I grow older I find that I am more like them. Even though my children will be mixed I want them to attend Vietnamese school so they can speak the language. I will also strongly enforce the importance of education, and will probably try to steer them toward science oriented degrees but medicine will be an option, not obligatory like it was for me.

I don''t want people on the forum to think "Oh asian girls/ their families want big rings and want to marry/be doctors, they are so superficial". I think of it this waÿ: my parents fled Vietnam during the war for Canada. They lost everything and came here with nothing. They lived in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other people for 5 years while they went to school to obtain degrees that they already had in Vietnam. This is all about security. Having money to buy a big ring, or being a doctor translates to security. They don''t want their children to suffer, or have the hardships that they had. In my culture, there''s a much higher emphasis placed on doing something safe, then doing what makes you happy. That translates to profession, marriage, etc. So if the husband can buy you a big ring, he will probably be able to take care of you financially (eventhough I can take care of myself!!). And trust me on this, no amount of money/ring, is going to make me marry someone I don''t love, and my parents would never suggest that I marry for money. They would just prefer I fell in love with someone that could take of me if I needed it

. So I hope tha clarifies things a bit!

 

[Sunni79]

I think many women would like the biggest size with the best quality for the money. some women would sacrifice one or two color grades or clarity grades for the biggest rock they can get. Some women would rather have a rock that''s smaller but that is colorless with a great clarity grade. Some women would feel bad about having the smallest stone among friends and others wouldn''t care. See what I mean? What does your girlfriend want?

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 3/17/2005 3

1:33 PM
Author: allycat0303
Christy, Fire&Ice:

I love open minds! I used to say that I would completely different from my parents but as I grow older I find that I am more like them. Even though my children will be mixed I want them to attend Vietnamese school so they can speak the language. I will also strongly enforce the importance of education, and will probably try to steer them toward science oriented degrees but medicine will be an option, not obligatory like it was for me.

I don''t want people on the forum to think ''Oh asian girls/ their families want big rings and want to marry/be doctors, they are so superficial''. I think of it this waÿ: my parents fled Vietnam during the war for Canada. They lost everything and came here with nothing. They lived in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other people for 5 years while they went to school to obtain degrees that they already had in Vietnam. This is all about security. Having money to buy a big ring, or being a doctor translates to security. They don''t want their children to suffer, or have the hardships that they had. In my culture, there''s a much higher emphasis placed on doing something safe, then doing what makes you happy. That translates to profession, marriage, etc. So if the husband can buy you a big ring, he will probably be able to take care of you financially (eventhough I can take care of myself!!). And trust me on this, no amount of money/ring, is going to make me marry someone I don''t love, and my parents would never suggest that I marry for money. They would just prefer I fell in love with someone that could take of me if I needed it

. So I hope tha clarifies things a bit!

Funny about that apple - tree thing. Your never going to fall too far from that tree! I thought I wouldn''t be like my parents. The older I got the more I appreciated them & I''m honored to be more like them.

My parents are depression era babies - security is really important to them as well. I always love to her of truimph stories. And, there''s nothing wrong with wanting your baby to be cared for!

 

[kaylagee]

I like smaller diamonds in certain settings(bezel, antique, low-set) & the design has to be great. I''m not so crazy about smaller stones alone in generic high-set tiffany-style rings.(if it''s temporary, that''s another thing).
Honestly it''s too much like a stud earring propped on the finger unless there are guard bands or a wrap.

It''s really such a personal thing. I''d try to get more of an idea of what she wants. Maybe linger in front of jewelery displays or ask one of her friends, relatives. If you want to be less stealth then have her tear out advert pages from a bridal magazine of the styles she likes. It could still be a surprise since she wouldn''t know exactly which one you''ll get. I''m sure you''ll notice a pattern of design, center diamond size, shape etc.

You could maybe go into a bit of debt(manageable) for it. Maybe not the full (11k?) amount but something a little more than you''d planned.

I could have saved my husband some time and money by getting the size & shape that I wanted the first time. OTOH, The first ring can always be passed down or made into another piece.

Best thing is to go with a company that does upgrades.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i'm chinese, i have 2 daughters, i'll kill my future son in law if i found out he's stupid enough to get into e-ring debt because,once they're marry it becomes her debt too.i don't care if they married somebody rich or poor as long as they can support themself and be happy together. most chinese people want their daughter to marry a doctor, engineer, rocket scientist ,so they can brag to their friends and relatives

 

[cflutist]

Date: 3/17/2005 9

1:40 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
most chinese people want their daughter to marry a doctor, engineer, rocket scientist ,so they can brag to their friends and relatives

DF, my mother sure does that. She brags to her friends about how all three of her kids graduated from college with absolutely no financial support from her. She even tells her friends that she didn''t even pay for a pencil for us. She threw us all out at 18, we worked and put ourselves through school and I still managed to graduate Summa Cum Laude. Most of my Asian friend''s parents paid for their college education, most stayed home until they married. My mother is not poor, she owns rental property all over the place, she just chose not to help us but now that she is getting older she wants to move back in with one of her kids. Can you tell that I have a lot of baggage from my childhood? Oh, and she has two 2ct diamonds (one is an E-VS2), a 1ct pear, and a .75RB in the center of a circular jade pendant.

 

[kaylagee]

Date: 3/17/2005 9

1:40 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
most chinese people want their daughter to marry a doctor, engineer, rocket scientist ,so they can brag to their friends and relatives

It seems this is true of most obsessively upwardly mobile people of all ethnicities. On my mother''s side, there''s a branch of my family(mish-mash of Ashkenaz Jewish, African, Native American, & Irish) like that too.   

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/17/2005 9:13:57 PM
Author: cflutist

Date: 3/17/2005 9

1:40 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
most chinese people want their daughter to marry a doctor, engineer, rocket scientist ,so they can brag to their friends and relatives

DF, my mother sure does that. She brags to her friends about how all three of her kids graduated from college with absolutely no financial support from her. She even tells her friends that she didn''t even pay for a pencil for us. She threw us all out at 18, we worked and put ourselves through school and I still managed to graduate Summa Cum Laude. Most of my Asian friend''s parents paid for their college education, most stayed home until they married. My mother is not poor, she owns rental property all over the place, she just chose not to help us but now that she is getting older she wants to move back in with one of her kids. Can you tell that I have a lot of baggage from my childhood? Oh, and she has two 2ct diamonds (one is an E-VS2), a 1ct pear, and a .75RB in the center of a circular jade pendant.

cflutist
good for you, able to put yourself through college with no help from parents.what are you gonna to do with all those diamonds when your mom decides to hand them over to you?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/17/2005 9:14:37 PM
Author: kaylagee

Date: 3/17/2005 9

1:40 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
most chinese people want their daughter to marry a doctor, engineer, rocket scientist ,so they can brag to their friends and relatives

It seems this is true of most obsessively upwardly mobile people of all ethnicities. On my mother''s side, there''s a branch of my family(mish-mash of Ashkenaz Jewish, African, Native American, & Irish) like that too.

Kaylagee
i''m surprise, i thought that only happens with chinese peoples.

 

[kaylagee]

Dfire,
yep, w/extra points for surgeons.

 

[ForteKitty]

When it came to my future mate, my mom only had one piece of advice for me: NO LAWYERS!!!

 

[Christy42]

Date: 3/17/2005 3

1:33 PM
Author: allycat0303
Christy, Fire&Ice:

I love open minds! I used to say that I would completely different from my parents but as I grow older I find that I am more like them. Even though my children will be mixed I want them to attend Vietnamese school so they can speak the language. I will also strongly enforce the importance of education, and will probably try to steer them toward science oriented degrees but medicine will be an option, not obligatory like it was for me.

I don''t want people on the forum to think ''Oh asian girls/ their families want big rings and want to marry/be doctors, they are so superficial''. I think of it this waÿ: my parents fled Vietnam during the war for Canada. They lost everything and came here with nothing. They lived in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other people for 5 years while they went to school to obtain degrees that they already had in Vietnam. This is all about security. Having money to buy a big ring, or being a doctor translates to security. They don''t want their children to suffer, or have the hardships that they had. In my culture, there''s a much higher emphasis placed on doing something safe, then doing what makes you happy. That translates to profession, marriage, etc. So if the husband can buy you a big ring, he will probably be able to take care of you financially (eventhough I can take care of myself!!). And trust me on this, no amount of money/ring, is going to make me marry someone I don''t love, and my parents would never suggest that I marry for money. They would just prefer I fell in love with someone that could take of me if I needed it

. So I hope tha clarifies things a bit!

Clear as a bell. I totally understand. You have to admire their perseverance. After having gone through all of that I can see why they would want the best for you and it''s wonderful that you can see that. So many children grow up doubting their parents ideas and don''t realize until much later in life, sometimes too late, that their parents were right the whole time. Then they begin to find themselves almost becoming their parents. What an awakening! I am totally becoming my father. And became an accountant like my mother. Go figure...I was definitely one of those horrible kids that thought my parents were outdated and didn''t understand life. Here I go off on another tangent again....Thanks for the info. It''s amazing what people can endure if they want something badly enough.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I can relate to a lot of what''s being talked about in this thread, but I''ll address the ring issue first. A lot of people have advised you on getting ideal cut rb and going lower on the clarity etc.....but you can also consider other shapes that may look larger than their actual carat size. Rounds are currently carrying a premium for their popularity and so are some square cuts such as princess cuts and asschers....you could get a really beautiful oval for about 30% less than a round with similar specs, and it can look bigger. The best example is my friends 1.68 round compared to her sister''s 1.3 ct oval. I honestly always thought her sister''s oval was larger.

Anyways with regard to the whole Asian family thing.....my chinese parents would have killed my husband if he borrowed money to buy me a ring, esepecially if he couldn''t put a house over my head. My husband is asian too, but he came from a poor and humble Korean family, and could NOT afford to buy me a ring over 1 ct. My parents who are very well-to-do overlooked the fact that I couldn''t have the ring of my dreams right when I got married because 1) My husband was an engineer (well-educated) 2) frugal (never lived beyond his means) and 3) a very loving, caring family man. Due to these 3 factors, they knew that he''d be successful, and would be able to give me everything wanted and needed one day. They were right, I now have the house, car, ring that I''ve always dreamed of having....plus a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful kids.

Moral of the story: a hard-working man will succeed, where as a man who pretends to be successful will be working hard (to pay off debt) his whole life.

 

[Christy42]

Date: 3/18/2005 2:15:50 AM
Author: jaysonsmom
I can relate to a lot of what''s being talked about in this thread, but I''ll address the ring issue first. A lot of people have advised you on getting ideal cut rb and going lower on the clarity etc.....but you can also consider other shapes that may look larger than their actual carat size. Rounds are currently carrying a premium for their popularity and so are some square cuts such as princess cuts and asschers....you could get a really beautiful oval for about 30% less than a round with similar specs, and it can look bigger. The best example is my friends 1.68 round compared to her sister''s 1.3 ct oval. I honestly always thought her sister''s oval was larger.

Anyways with regard to the whole Asian family thing.....my chinese parents would have killed my husband if he borrowed money to buy me a ring, esepecially if he couldn''t put a house over my head. My husband is asian too, but he came from a poor and humble Korean family, and could NOT afford to buy me a ring over 1 ct. My parents who are very well-to-do overlooked the fact that I couldn''t have the ring of my dreams right when I got married because 1) My husband was an engineer (well-educated) 2) frugal (never lived beyond his means) and 3) a very loving, caring family man. Due to these 3 factors, they knew that he''d be successful, and would be able to give me everything wanted and needed one day. They were right, I now have the house, car, ring that I''ve always dreamed of having....plus a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful kids.

Moral of the story: a hard-working man will succeed, where as a man who pretends to be successful will be working hard (to pay off debt) his whole life.

Very well said JM! I agree about the shape too. Not only that but certain shapes look larger on different finger shapes.

Stilllookin, if you peruse on some different diamond education websites and read about the different shapes you can not only get a good foundation on what to look for in quality but also what to look for if your gf has long fingers, short fingers....Ultimately though most people have favorite shapes. You will need to know what she likes and RB''s are more pricey. I had some favorite shapes but PS has introduced me to the world of amazing settings and how much difference that can make on the appearance of the diamond. Certain settings have made shapes that I wouldn''t have even considered awesome and can make small diamonds look huge!

I''m kinda thinking like Ana said in a recent thread, might be this one, burn the cert. You can''t have it all. Very high quality + big = $$$
You can however get good quality + good size=not so much $$$

And quality is in the eyes of the beholder to some extent. As Mara posted in a thread, might be this one, can''t remember, that most people, if given a selection of diamonds with no info on color, will be drawn to the warmer colors. I have an H and an F. The F looks like ice and the H looks richer and fuller but they are both white.

I agree with a lot of the other posts that a $4,000 budget is a very respectable amount. A lot more than most beginners start out with. Way more than we started out with. You aren''t going to get a nice 2 carat obviously with 4K but you can get a nice diamond slightly under one carat. If it''s cut well, like so many have said, you can play with the clarity and color a bit and the cut will make it look bigger. You can always upgrade later. Again, good luck! This thread has been very educational!

 

[bar01]

Date: 3/17/2005 9

1:40 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
most chinese people want their daughter to marry a doctor, engineer, rocket scientist ...

Good advice for anyone - you can't go wrong with marrying an Engineer! In fact, I have some data to show you that strongly indicates....

 

[Christy42]

Hey Stilllookin, I went to www.dirtcheapdiamonds.com and if you select a wide range of clarity and color and any shape, there are tons of diamonds over a carat and way under 4K. Just food for thought.

 

[blue_chica]

Stilllooking - You poor thing. That''s a very stressful situation you''re in - trying to please everyone when it''s not neccessarily possible.

Here''s my $0.02: as other people have pointed out, catty/jealous/shallow/materialistic/whatever people are going to have something bad to say about your ring no matter what you do. So don''t worry about them - honestly, you can''t please them so don''t waste time, money and effort trying. As for your girlfriend''s family - if my daughter was interested in marrying someone about whom I had a lot of concerns financially/career-wise, my impression of her chosen one would NOT RISE if they got her a ring outside of their means. I would think less of them because it''s shows financial irresponsibility. If you are looking at losing your job or going part time, now is not the time to be taking out new loans. Many, many people have started out from humble beginnings and built themselves into successes, but they didn''t do it by putting themselves into hock for luxuries early on - keep your eye on the prize.

I got my ring after a few months of surfing PS. I have insanely fat fingers, and after looking at all the pics of rings on here on women with tiny fingers, I really felt like I''d be embarrassed with anything less than 2 cts.

However, when I actually started thinking about how much $$ that was, and what that money could do for my FI and I as a new family starting out, I rapidly realized that I''d rather have no debt, or a house, or savings than a big ring right now. I also realized that an upgrade is perfectly reasonable. Initially I thought that was unromantic, but really, life is all about progress and celebrating the new turns you''ve taken together as a couple, and gifts and jewelry can reflect that without detracting from your beginnings. And so we went with what I thought was a barely big enough stone - 1.31. Now, a few months later, it feels huge, and I feel like I was an idiot for being so influenced by the bling. I think I''ve got the opposite of diamond shrinkage syndrome, especially as we are looking at buying a house, and I need a new car...I wish we''d spent less money on this! And I''ve also realized that it''s a lot bigger than a lot of diamonds I see around on the street here in Boston. It''s also smaller than plenty, but that doesn''t bother me at all.

Have confidence in yourself. A bigger diamond doesn''t increase your worth or your ability to provide for your family, it actually decreases that. You want to do the right thing, which is very sweet, and it sounds like you are going to do your best for your new family. $4000 is plenty for a beautiful ring, go for a fantastic cut, and find out from your GF what else is most important to her (clarity, color, size), and whether a plain band will do (which will get you a bigger stone).

 

[AdaBeta27]

You may want to consult an attorney in your state to find out how you can best protect yourself going into this. You don''t want to take out a big loan in your name that remains your debt (It''s NOT her debt, it''s yours if you''re the only one who signed), have inlaws buy the house that you reside in but have little or no equity in, meddle until they break up the marriage, then you are out on the street with nothing much except that big e-ring loan that you''ll still have to repay. E-ring ordinarliy goes to the wife in divorce unless you have a prenuptial that dictates otherwise. I don''t like to be prophet of doom, but I''ve had too much chitty dealings from inlaws to want anyone else to walk blindly into a situation like that.

 

[BluePea]

Yesterday I went into the Stuart Moore store in NYC, and I saw the cutest rings with small diamonds - tiny bezel set diamonds, with circular bands (in section), and they were paired with thin eternity wedding bands - they looked so precious!

 

[lizzyd]

Date: 3/19/2005 11:38:15 AM
Author: AdaBeta27

You may want to consult an attorney in your state to find out how you can best protect yourself going into this. You don''t want to take out a big loan in your name that remains your debt (It''s NOT her debt, it''s yours if you''re the only one who signed), have inlaws buy the house that you reside in but have little or no equity in, meddle until they break up the marriage, then you are out on the street with nothing much except that big e-ring loan that you''ll still have to repay. E-ring ordinarliy goes to the wife in divorce unless you have a prenuptial that dictates otherwise. I don''t like to be prophet of doom, but I''ve had too much chitty dealings from inlaws to want anyone else to walk blindly into a situation like that.

AdaBeta27,

Yours sound like hard-learned words of wisdom.

I was under the impression that if Stilllookin'' owed a debt, got married, and then (as I said in my original post) "god forbid something happened to him," that the debt would have to be satisfied out of his estate, which his dw would also be counting on to help make ends meet. I wasn''t thinking divorce in my post, I was thinking something worse

. Do I have my info wrong?


BTW, Sorry if I''ve turned this thread to the maudlin, but I just wanted to correct myself if I was giving out really bad free advice.

Best,
LizzyD

 

[JessesGrl]

I opted for a smaller stone ( .87 asscher) instead of a 1carat b/c I once read the size difference is that of the width of a tissue. true or not, my diamond is beautiful and I also got a very expensive carl blackburn setting that is very ornate and so the ring as a whole is unique and get''s tons of compliments. It''s funny b/c people also tell me my ring looks so much bigger than .87...even though asschers are supposed to look the smallest. I am a MSW (clinical social worker) and I find it almost offfensive to my clients to be flashing my ring...let alone anything larger. My friends are all getting engaged as well and most are getting stones that are about 1.5-2 carats. Yes sometimes I do feel a bit envious but then I think of how we spent 7,000 on my ring and they are spending 14,000+...is this necessary when we are all 24 yrs old and just starting out? More power to all those beautiful 1+ carat stones- they are a treat to look at and own....but I chose my .87 and I love it just as much b/c it was bought w/all the love in the world. This also may be the social worker in me but america is such a grandiose country- our portion sizes are bigger, our houses are bigger, our cars are bigger...and hey our diamonds are bigger!

 

[february2003bride]

When DH proposed to me he involved me with the ring purchase. He gave me his set price and asked not to go higher and it had to include the setting because he wanted to pay cash and I respected that. So when word circulated that we were engaged and I had 100% say in the ring purchase, everyone and their dog had an opinion.

In hingsight, I wish I hadn''t listened to anyone! While we did take time to research diamonds and learned about the "3 c''s" and we did end up buying from Blue Nile.com (love them!!) so DH felt we had bought a beautiful, quality e-ring and diamond for a great price.

So the basic opinion was to get at LEAST 1 carat so that''s what I pushed for even though DH would pick out .75-.90 carats that were ideal cuts but I wanted the magic 1 carat. We ended up with a Blue Nile princess cut 1.06 carat, F, VS2, very good cut that I love. Am I happy with it? Yes and no. I love it, and while I may change the setting (platinum cathedral setting) I''m not interested in changing the diamond. For me, its the right size. But if I had to do it over again, I would listen to DH and go with a smaller yet ideal cut, flawless color and clarity diamond (and maybe a round brilliant). I''ve learned that its about quality not particularly size for me.

I guess I would rather have a beautiful smaller diamond (that fits my lifestyle anyway!) in a beautiful setting than a larger lower quality diamond ring. If you can afford a larger quality diamond then I say go for it. But listen to your DF and if she really means she wants under 1 carat, I would believe her

and who cares what her co-workers think? Real friends aren''t going to snub a beautiful e-ring because of its size!

Feb2003bride

 

[stilllookin]

Hi all, thanks again for your sharing your experiences and wisdom. Well, I''m at a loss of what to do and right now, this sounds awful, but I''m need to think if proposing now is the right thing to do.
I showed my GF the websites of some of the online merchants and she told me she felt uncomfortable with me making a large purchase like this unseen and over the internet. When I told her that I wanted to buy her the best that i could afford within my budget, she had a "chat" with her mom to tell her we were looking to buy a ring and that she was fine a smaller diamond.
Her mom then in turn had a chat with me, told me never to buy a diamond over the internet and told me that she will help me find a ring and that the family will buy earrrings and a pendant to match..apparently it must be all three.

I feel grateful but even more uncomfortable with this and I''''m wondering if i should reconsider joining this family. I don''t want to live according to the wishes 100% of the time.

 

[valeria101]

Date: 3/22/2005 10:54:36 PM
Author: stilllookin

I feel grateful but even more uncomfortable with this and I''m wondering if i should reconsider joining this family. I don''t want to live according to the wishes 100% of the time.

Ouch! That''s allot more serious than a ring...

 

[Christy42]

I guess I''m confused now. This began as a quest for a diamond and now you''re thinking maybe you shouldn''t get married. I don''t know if that''s a good or bad thing.

I think you should pretend that you never found this website and breathe. Do you want to marry "her"? Not her family.....Ignore them for the moment. Something about her made you want to spend the rest of your life with her and now because this thread got a little on the deep side you aren''t sure. Maybe you should tell your gf and her Mom that you are marrying her, not them, and both of you need to stay within "your" budget, not theirs. If she isn''t satisfied with that then maybe you should reconsider. You''re right that you can''t spend the rest of your life working for things that someone else thinks you should have. But don''t walk away from the woman you thought just days ago was your lifemate without some serious thinking........

PS can be a controversial place, I hope we didn''t cause this.

 

[stilllookin]

Date: 3/22/2005 11

9:24 PM
Author: Christy42
I guess I'm confused now. This began as a quest for a diamond and now you're thinking maybe you shouldn't get married. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.


I think you should pretend that you never found this website and breathe. Do you want to marry 'her'? Not her family.....Ignore them for the moment. Something about her made you want to spend the rest of your life with her and now because this thread got a little on the deep side you aren't sure. Maybe you should tell your gf and her Mom that you are marrying her, not them, and both of you need to stay within 'your' budget, not theirs. If she isn't satisfied with that then maybe you should reconsider. You're right that you can't spend the rest of your life working for things that someone else thinks you should have. But don't walk away from the woman you thought just days ago was your lifemate without some serious thinking........


PS can be a controversial place, I hope we didn't cause this.

Sorry, I should elaborate. I told my GF no way, I feel really uncomfortable about them being so involved with the engagement ring and buying her the earrings and pendant. My GF does not tend to disobey or disagree with them on many things so she has asked me to just swallow my pride and listen to them because otherwise they will not be happy with me. Of course I love her with all my heart but what do you do when you feel uncomfortable but feel pressured to go along with it to please your partner? I don't mean to vent here or go off the topic but it just made me realize that the family in law thing is definately hard work and that I should realize situations like this will probably surface during the marriage.

 

[valeria101]

Date: 3/22/2005 11:18:21 PM
Author: stilllookin


I told my GF no way, I feel really uncomfortable about them being so involved with the engagement ring [...] so she has asked me to just swallow my pride and listen to them because otherwise they will not be happy with me.

This hurts to listen to!


How would you feel about buying a ring and letting everyone face the facts ? Not that this is the thing to do - just hypothetically.

 

[Christy42]

I think you are absolutely right. You could be starting a really bad habit. Once she marries you she''s going to have her own family. That''s not to say that she should dis-own them and if they were to force her to make that choice that would be awful. I think you should talk to her Mom. Are her parents always going to step in when there is a financial want, not a need? Would you be comfortable with that? I gather you wouldn''t so try to explain to her mother how you feel and tell your gf that you can''t live like that. The big ring will come later.

I hope her parents want her to marry for love not money. Yes, money provides security but not love. Marrying someone that loves you and is willing to work as hard as you are to provide for her is blessing. I hope this all works out for you. Good luck.

 

[sparklish]

I think this is a critical junction. The engagement should definitely be between the two of you! You can''t have someone else buying the jewels. If they want to buy her earrings and a pendant later, FINE. After you are engaged.

Her mother probably know little about Internet research and stones. While it''s not the ONLY option, there are clearly a lot of advocates here. I would be firm with her parents and tell them you will be buying the ring and you will be doing the shopping (with her input... but not her family''s!). Now that you''ve established she''s fine with a smaller ring, let the rest be a surprise.

Not to stir anything up, but have you thought clearly whether it''s good if they buy you a home? Someone else pointed out that there could be some difficult issues ahead if they are on the title and anything happens between you and your GF, or if something happened to one of you. Not that you want to think about that, but anything''s possible and you should be prepared to work it out with HER, but not her family.

If you let them gain control early in your relationship, you may never get out from under it. You will feel obligated to do things they require. Your girlfriend is of course free to accept gifts and so on from them, but my personal advice is that you should not.

Good luck!

 

[sjz]

Date: 3/22/2005 11:18:21 PM
Author: stilllookin


Sorry, I should elaborate. I told my GF no way, I feel really uncomfortable about them being so involved with the engagement ring and buying her the earrings and pendant. My GF does not tend to disobey or disagree with them on many things so she has asked me to just swallow my pride and listen to them because otherwise they will not be happy with me. Of course I love her with all my heart but what do you do when you feel uncomfortable but feel pressured to go along with it to please your partner? I don''t mean to vent here or go off the topic but it just made me realize that the family in law thing is definately hard work and that I should realize situations like this will probably surface during the marriage.

One thing you said in this post sticks out like a sore thumb to me. It''s your statement about your girlfriend not tending to disobey her parents on many things. She is a grown woman! Doing things her own way, instead of her parent''s way is NOT disobeying! Disobeying is when a child does not mind mommy and daddy. As long as she''s not acting illegally or immorally, it''s fine for her to do things differently than her parents might wish. That goes for you, too. And know this...her parents aren''t the ones who have to be happy with you. The only people who have to be happy with you are your girlfriend and YOU! Will you be able to live with yourself if you buckle under and buy your girlfriend the ring her parents want her to have, instead of the ring she wants and you can afford? You are right about one thing...situations are going to come up after you are married, and unless you stand your ground now, before you are married, it''s only going to get harder and worse to deal with after you are married. I think in the long run, you will respect yourself more if you do what''s right for you...not what''s right for your girlfriend''s parents.

The other thing I want you to think about is this...are you SURE that it''s your girlfriend''s parents that are making this such an issue? Could it be possible that your girlfriend really isn''t all that happy about having a smaller diamond, or having you purchase a ring online, and she''s using this whole thing with her parents as a smoke screen to get you to buy a bigger or more expensive ring, without looking like she''s been selfish or wanting more from you than you can afford to give? She might be to embarassed to tell you that she wants more than you can afford, so she is trying to get her parents to help her pressure you and offer to help buy her a bigger more expensive ring.

The best advice I can give you is this...you should in NO WAY feel uncomfortable or pressured about something as important and life altering as becoming engaged. Excited, yes. A little nervous, sure. But not uncomfortable and pressured as you say you feel. I say maybe you should just back off for a little bit and re-think this whole thing. I''m not saying to break things off with your girlfriend. But just explain to her how you feel, and that you don''t think, under the circumstances, that it''s the right time to be thinking about rings and engagements right now. Her reaction might be very telling.