Food for thought - what financially conscious guys would spend for a ring

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

http://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3703&mrr=1228865382

EDIT: Hoping I'm not breaking any forum rules or anything!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I posted this after having read the first 3 replies to the post and in a state of shock and disgust (which BF finds highly amusing right now). It gets better (or worse, depending on your definition)...my goodness...

 

[softly softly]

Why the shock and disgust?

 

[girlie-girl]

LOL I read the first page of responses and it was pretty interesting to see the variety of opinions. Notice about 30 replies or so down "josh" posted a link to PS.

 

[vespergirl]

Wow, what a bunch of cheapo losers those guys are. I''m so glad that my husband didn''t balk at the price of my ring. In fact, he picked out something bigger than I had hoped for.

 

[geckodani]

Ack! They tried to send the dude to the pawn shop!

Dang I''m glad my hubby didn''t cheap out on me. He didn''t break the bank either, of which I am glad!

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Geeze the responses are making me CRINGE!!! expecially the "goosecat" one... basically all the thousands of people are pricescope and "brainwashed" with BS info such as four c''s, diamond is forever, "the idea that diamonds are rare or even precious at all"

geesh

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/10/2008 3:46:57 PM
Author: vespergirl
Wow, what a bunch of cheapo losers those guys are. I''m so glad that my husband didn''t balk at the price of my ring. In fact, he picked out something bigger than I had hoped for.

This really seems unfair to me. Among my friends, my DH is the cheapo loser. He balked at the price of my ring and didn''t see the point of one at all. We ended up setting a budget, which I went under in part because I couldn''t find anything else and partly to make him happy. I got something much smaller than I hoped for. DH hardly thinks about my ring, I''m sure. I wouldn''t be surprised if he still considers it to be a pointless gift. We do our best to understand each other. His love for electronic and mine for jewellery, but the best I can hope to get a shug and a "if you like it".

You''re lucky that your DH understands your love of jewellery. Just because some of us end up with a guy who doesn''t understand our loves doesn''t mean that he''s a loser.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

oh man, I kept reading and one poster said, "unless you are marrying a big girl..." !?!?!?!?!?! man, this must be a men''s website or something

 

[fieryred33143]

I read that thread completely differently LOL

I think that the OP started off with asking if he should spend $40K on a ring and while the PS community *may* be different (not implying anything mean here so hope it doesn''t come across that way!), in most walks of life $40K on a ring is a little more than the average person can spend. Even $10K is a little more than most can spend. So a lot of those posts were probably coming from some guys that felt a little defensive at the notion of spending that much money on jewelry.

 

[Tuckins1]

Hahaha! Those guys are funny! Some of them were logical, but most of them are pathetically cheap!! I''m gonna have to tell DH about the "buy her a cz and put the diamond in the safe... which makes the diamond un-necessary!"

 

[that_someone_special]

Yikes.

A PAWN SHOP? Sure, you can get deals, but for a ring that I''d ideally like to wear forever, I would not want a PAWN SHOP RING!

And the guy that said, "I suggest looking for a different future spouse.." WTF

To me, if a guy is banking that much money, and obviously can SAVE money, then I see absolutely NO problem in him getting a nice engagement ring for his FI. NOW, if he was bankrupt, making $5k a year and lived in a slum apt... I might wonder why he wanted to spend so much.

But really. COME ON!

 

[that_someone_special]

I also don''t know that much about the OP but, $100k for a down payment for a first house? JEEZ, that''s a 20% down payment on a $500k home! (Isn''t that what they say for your first down payment?) I don''t think this guy is doing bad at all. Looks like he ended up with a $20k ring. It makes her happy. It makes him happy, what else is there to discuss? It''s his/ their money.

 

[musey]

Everyone has different priorities and desires in life. As long as their significant others are okay with their financial sensibilities, they can do whatever they want. It is a little disappointing to see a few of them speaking so judgmentally about it, though (suggesting that any diamond purchase is a "waste of money"--that''s such a subjective and personal thing that I don''t think blanket statements like that are warranted).

 

[vintagelover229]

Date: 12/10/2008 4:11:23 PM
Author: Addy


This really seems unfair to me. Among my friends, my DH is the cheapo loser. He balked at the price of my ring and didn''t see the point of one at all. We ended up setting a budget, which I went under in part because I couldn''t find anything else and partly to make him happy. I got something much smaller than I hoped for. DH hardly thinks about my ring, I''m sure. I wouldn''t be surprised if he still considers it to be a pointless gift. We do our best to understand each other. His love for electronic and mine for jewellery, but the best I can hope to get a shug and a ''if you like it''.

You''re lucky that your DH understands your love of jewellery. Just because some of us end up with a guy who doesn''t understand our loves doesn''t mean that he''s a loser.

Our husbands sound like twins! LOL! I love my ring, but we could have afforded much more, and he wigged out slightly at the price of mine already as is! (when I say wig, he wanted me to be happy, so he was more than willing, he was just like what 2k on a ring? Are you crazy?! LOL)

Gotta love men! most just don''t understand

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 12/10/2008 8:49:51 PM
Author: redrose229

Date: 12/10/2008 4:11:23 PM

Author: Addy



This really seems unfair to me. Among my friends, my DH is the cheapo loser. He balked at the price of my ring and didn''t see the point of one at all. We ended up setting a budget, which I went under in part because I couldn''t find anything else and partly to make him happy. I got something much smaller than I hoped for. DH hardly thinks about my ring, I''m sure. I wouldn''t be surprised if he still considers it to be a pointless gift. We do our best to understand each other. His love for electronic and mine for jewellery, but the best I can hope to get a shug and a ''if you like it''.


You''re lucky that your DH understands your love of jewellery. Just because some of us end up with a guy who doesn''t understand our loves doesn''t mean that he''s a loser.

Our husbands sound like twins! LOL! I love my ring, but we could have afforded much more, and he wigged out slightly at the price of mine already as is! (when I say wig, he wanted me to be happy, so he was more than willing, he was just like what 2k on a ring? Are you crazy?! LOL)


Gotta love men! most just don''t understand

I had a supernatural break though today.

My man volunteered to get me an eternity ring after the birth of my third child (first ''push present'' ever, those stitches just gotta count for something lol, also it will mark our fifth wedding anniversary ) , and also in the next sentence VOLUNTEERED to get me a solitaire on our 10th wedding anniversary.
I kind of laughed (in disbelief) and said ''it''ll probably be expensive'', and he said, ''That''s okay, I''m going to start saving from now.''

He APOLOGISED for not getting his act together before we got married, and said he was sorry for taking so long. !!!!
And I hadn''t said a thing... we were talking about Christmas presents, and I said not to bother getting me anything this year, as we are broke having just moved into a new house.

WTF??!!! I feel like cheering. Actually, I had a bit of a weep.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I read through this entire thread last night, and there are some level-headed posters (and 2 or 3 who have definitely been to PS before, haha). But I was a little disgusted (ok, make that a lot disgusted) by, as Musey said, how judgmental some of them were. I get that 40K is a lot of money...more than my BF will probably be spending. But I found it rather...disappointing...that so many of them were trying to find ways to "get away" with spending as little as possible. Come on! This is the woman you love! And while there are many women who really don''t care about a big diamond, or whatnot, at least show some respect! I''m fine if BF gets me something that''s $200, because that''s all we can afford and he put his thought and love into it. Not as fine if he''s making $80K and wants to spend the least amount possible. Of course it''s good to get the best deal (we''re on PS for a reason, and we like online vendors for a reason) but there''s a difference between best deal, and really really cheap deal.

Thank goodness BF, who reads Bogleheads as religiously as I read PS, understands that though!

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 12/11/2008 12:54:28 AM
Author: LaraOnline


I had a supernatural break though today.

My man volunteered to get me an eternity ring after the birth of my third child (first ''push present'' ever, those stitches just gotta count for something lol, also it will mark our fifth wedding anniversary ) , and also in the next sentence VOLUNTEERED to get me a solitaire on our 10th wedding anniversary.
I kind of laughed (in disbelief) and said ''it''ll probably be expensive'', and he said, ''That''s okay, I''m going to start saving from now.''

He APOLOGISED for not getting his act together before we got married, and said he was sorry for taking so long. !!!!
And I hadn''t said a thing... we were talking about Christmas presents, and I said not to bother getting me anything this year, as we are broke having just moved into a new house.

WTF??!!! I feel like cheering. Actually, I had a bit of a weep.

Woo Hoo Lara!

I''m so happy for you - when is your anni? As in, when do we get to start helping you chose, ha !

Will he let you buy from a PS vendor? Or is that a whole'' nother challenge..?

 

[LaraOnline]

Hi arjuna!

I must be a psycho. I don''t think anyone else on the PLANET would think that a solitaire in five years is reason to celebrate. but I know my man!

In the meantime, I fully intend to take him up on the promise of my eternity. I plan to have a five-stone ring, and yes, from a PS vendor!! Five stones, because there''ll be five members of my darling family. I plan on having the three, this is the last baby.

I hope there''s no accidents to come, because he''ll have to send the five stone back or get another diamond added!

But I think I will try and get this baby out safely first (due April 30)before thinking of any of that stuff.

I will be SURE to keep you informed.

I just checked under the Christmas tree (putting pressies down) and there''s a parcel from one of my favourite mall jewellers, new today! so, I guess he must love me!!
I asked my little girl what she did with dad today... she told me that they went to the shops to get me ''just a bit of junk''!

That was her little effort at keeping the Christmas magic, as my husband hasn''t told her a phrase like that, I asked!!! He just asked her to keep a secret!

anyway, hope you are having a Merry pre-Christmas season yourself!

 

[LaraOnline]

Make that two parcels!!!!

I'm so excited. Sorry about the threadjack!

Arjuna, the anni is on Jan 10.
Merry Christmas everyone!

L.

 

[geckodani]

Yay Lara! You deserve that push present lady! Congrats on your upcoming kiddo, and the husband''s epiphany, and your other 2 lovely kiddos.

 

[LaraOnline]

You know, that link made me feel kind of sad
I mean, the OP has $100,000 saved up, and they''re telling him to spend a couple of hundred on the ring.
A lot of men don''t seem to realise that this is an item of .... well, it''s like clothing really, isn''t it, in that the fiancee is likely to wearing it EVERY DAY for the REST of her LIFE (sorry for shouting!)

I mean, even if you wear glasses for your eyes every day, you get an opportunity to change your glasses every few years.... why on earth don''t the men put more thought into something that becomes almost a part of yourself??!!

I''m not saying spend big money - I mean, compared to a lot of ladies on here, my budget, even a huge budget for me, wouldn''t even be a speck. Who cares? Money can''t buy love.

But I think (and I think my husband''s got to thinking) that perhaps I deserve to celebrate the love and effort that I/we put into our family, and that the very symbol of that love, which is worn every single day, should be worth at least a little care and attention...

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/11/2008 9:26:12 AM
Author: LaraOnline
You know, that link made me feel kind of sad

I mean, the OP has $100,000 saved up, and they''re telling him to spend a couple of hundred on the ring.

A lot of men don''t seem to realise that this is an item of .... well, it''s like clothing really, isn''t it, in that the fiancee is likely to wearing it EVERY DAY for the REST of her LIFE (sorry for shouting!)


I mean, even if you wear glasses for your eyes every day, you get an opportunity to change your glasses every few years.... why on earth don''t the men put more thought into something that becomes almost a part of yourself??!!


I''m not saying spend big money - I mean, compared to a lot of ladies on here, my budget, even a huge budget for me, wouldn''t even be a speck. Who cares? Money can''t buy love.


But I think (and I think my husband''s got to thinking) that perhaps I deserve to celebrate the love and effort that I/we put into our family, and that the very symbol of that love, which is worn every single day, should be worth at least a little care and attention...

I can answer that for my DH. Electronics are useful, they have a clear function. He carefully researchs all of them whether it''s a blender, TV, or electronic razor. Within the past two years we''ve gotten a TV, a computer, a camera, and an mp3 player that were more than I would have spent if it''d been entirely up to me. These, according to DH make our world better in a very practical way.

Jewellery is pretty, not useful. It''s pure excess and if it''s big he sees it as a way of showing off. Expensive jewellery, according to DH, doesn''t make our lives better in any way other than for a few weeks, like any new toy. I can probably get away with "liking" a ring, but "loving" it or claiming it was almost a part of me wouldn''t be understood. I can guess that I''d be told that the word love is reserved for something that can love you back, and that I am me, nothing else material added could be "me".

 

[Miscka]

Totally fascinated by this. Thanks for posting it!

I agree that being frugal is a good thing, but the attitudes were a little scary. And the misinformation.

 

[Circe]

Date: 12/10/2008 4:11:23 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 12/10/2008 3:46:57 PM

Author: vespergirl

Wow, what a bunch of cheapo losers those guys are. I''m so glad that my husband didn''t balk at the price of my ring. In fact, he picked out something bigger than I had hoped for.

This really seems unfair to me. Among my friends, my DH is the cheapo loser. He balked at the price of my ring and didn''t see the point of one at all. We ended up setting a budget, which I went under in part because I couldn''t find anything else and partly to make him happy. I got something much smaller than I hoped for. DH hardly thinks about my ring, I''m sure. I wouldn''t be surprised if he still considers it to be a pointless gift. We do our best to understand each other. His love for electronic and mine for jewellery, but the best I can hope to get a shug and a ''if you like it''.


You''re lucky that your DH understands your love of jewellery. Just because some of us end up with a guy who doesn''t understand our loves doesn''t mean that he''s a loser.

I wouldn''t call them cheap losers, for the most part: some of the posters are making very financially savvy observations, and attempting to balance emotion with practicality. However, I would call a few of the participants women-hating, faux-feminist, deeply bitter Nice Guys (which, in my own personal patois is more or less equivalent to being a loser - and please note the capital N, capital G, as genuinely nice individuals of both genders are awesome). Engagement rings and everything that surrounds them are lightening rods for controversy, since they act as symbols of union: they epitomize all of the choices and compromises that partners of different genders are going to have to make to meet halfway. They''re like the battle-standard of the War between the Sexes.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 12/10/2008 4:11:23 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 12/10/2008 3:46:57 PM
Author: vespergirl
Wow, what a bunch of cheapo losers those guys are. I''m so glad that my husband didn''t balk at the price of my ring. In fact, he picked out something bigger than I had hoped for.

This really seems unfair to me. Among my friends, my DH is the cheapo loser. He balked at the price of my ring and didn''t see the point of one at all. We ended up setting a budget, which I went under in part because I couldn''t find anything else and partly to make him happy. I got something much smaller than I hoped for. DH hardly thinks about my ring, I''m sure. I wouldn''t be surprised if he still considers it to be a pointless gift. We do our best to understand each other. His love for electronic and mine for jewellery, but the best I can hope to get a shug and a ''if you like it''.

You''re lucky that your DH understands your love of jewellery. Just because some of us end up with a guy who doesn''t understand our loves doesn''t mean that he''s a loser.

I didn''t mean to offend, Addy. I was referring to the guys on there who were saying stuff like, "just get her a CZ, it will look the same and you can spend money on something else." My first engagement ring from my first marriage cost $800 and it was beautiful. I think that people should spend what both people in the couple are comfortable and happy with, but I think it''s sad if the guy gets the girl something less than she wants (if he can afford it) because it shows that he doesn''t appreciate things that are important to her, and that may be an indicator of how he treats her in the marriage.

I have a friend who just got married to a man who makes about $250,000 per year. The ring he bought her has a real setting, but a CZ center stone that he promised he would put a real diamond in when they got married. In the year that they were engaged before they got married, he bought himself two new cars (spent about $70,000), but never bought her a real diamond, and I know that that really hurt her. It showed that his needs and wants were more important to him than hers, which is not the message one should send during an engagement. She is still embarrassed about her fake engagement ring, and now that they''re married, only wears her wedding band because the ering just reminds her of his selfishness. They are now expecting a child, and even though she always wanted to be a SAHM, he is urging to to continue working so that they can maintain their same lifestyle. When she suggested that he sell 3 of his 4 cars to contribute to their savings instead (they have 5 total, including hers), he balked, because he didn''t want to give up any of his things to help fulfill her wish of raising her own child.

In my own case, it bothered me that my ex-husband went around bragging to people that my ring only cost $800, and was glad that he didn''t have to "waste" any more money on jewelry. However, the month after he bought me the ring, he didn''t hesitate to spend $2,000 on a new guitar for himself. Throughout our marriage, which only lasted two years, and ended mostly because he didn''t want to contribute financially to our household, he always balked at anything that I said I wanted or that we needed to spend money on (like the mortgage and groceries) but had no problem buying himself musical instruments, even though he already had many. The problem that I had with his cheapness was that he was cheap towards the things that were important to me, and towards our growth as a couple, but totally willing to spend any amount on things that he wanted. Needless to say, he made a very selfish partner, and the marriage didn''t last.

When I met my current husband, he has always been very generous with me, and I with him. He knew that I was a jewelry lover, so he bought me a ring that he knew that I would love within his budget (we did the traditional 2 month salary thing). And even though I didn''t care as much about it, I spent several thousand dollars on a new TV for him for his birthday last year. I would have been happy to watch our old one until it broke, but I knew that it''s something that would make him happy, and he''s splurged on me before, so I was happy to do it.

In my experience, my first husband, who was selfish with his money and cheap towards me, he acted the same way emotionally that he did financially. In my second marriage, which is great, my husband has always been generous with his time, money and attention. It just so happens that in my personal experience, cheapness and generosity have been indicators of how I would be treated emotionally as well as financially.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 12/11/2008 5:53:24 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Hi arjuna!

I must be a psycho. I don''t think anyone else on the PLANET would think that a solitaire in five years is reason to celebrate. but I know my man!

In the meantime, I fully intend to take him up on the promise of my eternity. I plan to have a five-stone ring, and yes, from a PS vendor!! Five stones, because there''ll be five members of my darling family. I plan on having the three, this is the last baby.

I hope there''s no accidents to come, because he''ll have to send the five stone back or get another diamond added!

But I think I will try and get this baby out safely first (due April 30)before thinking of any of that stuff.

I will be SURE to keep you informed.

I just checked under the Christmas tree (putting pressies down) and there''s a parcel from one of my favourite mall jewellers, new today! so, I guess he must love me!!
I asked my little girl what she did with dad today... she told me that they went to the shops to get me ''just a bit of junk''!

That was her little effort at keeping the Christmas magic, as my husband hasn''t told her a phrase like that, I asked!!! He just asked her to keep a secret!

anyway, hope you are having a Merry pre-Christmas season yourself!

Yay, congrats! By the way, I''ve always wanted to mention what a beautiful family you have - I love the pic of you & your kiddies in your avatar!

 

[LaraOnline]

Hi Vesper,
your reply was incredibly heartfelt and reasoned.
There are a lot of selfish guys out there, and at the end of the day, I don't think it's good enough to simply say 'well, jewellery doesn't do anything'. It's fairer to say simply that the guy has no interest in jewellery - and no interest in how it makes their lady feel, either.

My husband buys me high-street jewellery every Christmas, and each piece means an awful lot to me. I wear each piece (individually!) with pride. Luckily he has quite good taste. Perhaps I should turn him on to the marvels of the internet and PS stores! But he hasn't really go the patience to scroll through all the images, I don't think...

In his own eyes, he probably thinks that he is throwing away money ( and sometimes I am alarmed at his modus operandi, he is a real hit-and-run shopper!!). But his generosity (within our means) and his ability to run a credit card up for me - hey that was a joke - carries me through the year knowing that I am a valued person. We have a very loving marriage, and my husband works incredibly hard for us.

I thought I wasn't going to get a present this year, and I was okay with that. In fact, I was flying high because of the promise for the eternity ring. That was well and truly good enough for me. The needs of the family need to be looked at in entirety.

Thanks for the compliment Vesper, sometimes I think I should pull that photo down because it does really identify us. Perhaps I would post more if I didn't have an identifying photo. But they ARE gorgeous children, inside and out, and I have to pinch myself a million times a day for my good fortune. *love* I hope the next one's just as good looking, otherwise we'll send it back

 

[Kelli]

They do really sound like some cheap jerks though. The OP said he had all that money in the bank and they were telling him to convince her all she needs is some $100 synthetic ruby or something.

I know that DeBeers really hyped up the whole engagement thing and made a lot of girls greedy monsters, but hey! An engagement is only a one-time thing (that''s supposed to be the idea anyway) and you don''t really have to "waste" money to get something nice. But you should ALWAYS consider your partner''s feelings on the issue. I waited over eight years for my proposal, chipped in to get what I wanted, and STILL didn''t hit the two months salary mark. I just would have felt really stupid insisting on something bigger or nicer when we didn''t have a house or anything practical yet. But on the other hand, waiting eight years sure did make me want something bigger and nicer than I would have wanted had we gotten engaged at 18. I can totally see how guys think jewelry s such a waste. But I think my fiancee''s guitars are a complete waste, considering he''s not even in a band anymore but continues to buy them. Luckily for us, neither one of us minds spending the money on "wasteful" things if it truly makes the other one happy. I got my ring, he gets his guitars, whatever. As long as we can still pay the bills

 

[kittybean]

Date: 12/11/2008 12:54:28 AM
Author: LaraOnline

I had a supernatural break though today.

My man volunteered to get me an eternity ring after the birth of my third child (first ''push present'' ever, those stitches just gotta count for something lol, also it will mark our fifth wedding anniversary ) , and also in the next sentence VOLUNTEERED to get me a solitaire on our 10th wedding anniversary.

I kind of laughed (in disbelief) and said ''it''ll probably be expensive'', and he said, ''That''s okay, I''m going to start saving from now.''

He APOLOGISED for not getting his act together before we got married, and said he was sorry for taking so long. !!!!

And I hadn''t said a thing... we were talking about Christmas presents, and I said not to bother getting me anything this year, as we are broke having just moved into a new house.

WTF??!!! I feel like cheering. Actually, I had a bit of a weep.

Lara, I am so happy for your supernatural breakthrough! Maybe it''s that pregnant glow that has bewitched him

. A five-stone band sounds like such a nice, sentimental gift! His apology is just so sweet, and I love that there are many years of marriage to back up his sincerity.

If I haven''t already said so, congratulations on your third. He or she (do you know yet?) is due the day of my wonderful brother''s birthday. Best wishes to you for a happy, healthy pregnancy!

Note: Just in case you don''t go over there much, there had been a thread started for you in Who''s Who, so you can tell us more about you if you feel comfortable with it.