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:-( He cheated.

Parsley
I haven't posted up to now because I didn't think you were ready to hear what I had to say.
It was hard for all of us who have been there to see you struggle to try to put things right again.
I think most of us have known a cheater or two. My BF of seven years left me for a Ukrainian
"Mail Order Bride" and finally told me (Via Email) when she was literally on his doorstep.
I soaked many a pillow till one day I realized I wasn't sad anymore. I was hopping mad.

Every time a loving thought crossed my mind I would counter it with one of his many transgressions.
I refused to dwell on what (I thought ) we had because obviously that was an illusion.
I had been in love with someone who clearly didn't exist.
That was a revelation to me and I started to heal. It took time and I have some scars but I did
move on and so will you.
Someday when you are with the person who is worthy of you, you will wonder what it was that you
saw in Mr Ex.
Miss Mina
 
HUGE HUGE hugs coming at you from me right now. I'm sorry you feel so blue, but it will be OK. You are doing yourself a huge favor by moving on. Staying with someone like him can only damage your self worth and self esteem, and you are WAY WAY WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY (x100000) better than that. I hope it hurts less soon. In the meantime I hope you are surrounded by people who love and support you. I ditto the counseling suggestions-- I seek therapy on a regular basis and it has made me into a much healthier person than I was in the past. More HUGS!
 
Awww, sweetie. Many hugs from me. I know this is hard right now but I promise it will fade. And, yes, hold onto the anger. Anger is really useful in these circumstances to help you get over the hump. I know you have many real life friends, but during those times when your real life friends aren't available, please remember we are hear to listen and provide support.
 
Huge hugs to you , Parsley. Although its hell right now, someday when you meet a REAL man who deserves you, this idiot will be just a bad memory. Remember that you are worth so much more than this Parsley, any guy who would do this is dog sh*t. He doesnt deserve you, and there is someone out there who does. Take time to grieve, be angry, whatever it takes, but please put yourself first!! Stay strong, and come here if you need support.
 
Dearest Parsley,

I just want to say that YOU WILL get through this. Just take it one day at a time.

I'm 40 now. Been happily married for over 12 years. But in college, I had my first love and when he dumped me, after all that I had been through with him, it was the worst pain I ever experienced. I know how much it hurts. The thing that saved me then was knowing, even though there were desperate painful parts of me that wanted to do anything to be with him again, that I needed to be away. I eventually did what you did and got rid of the contact info. I cried. I allowed myself all the pity parties I needed. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, I got clear with the way I had been allowing myself to be treated and got clear on how I truly wanted to be treated. Step by step, I became the victor and left being a victim. Day by day I got stronger, more honest with myself, and also more open.

If you're feeling weak, watch some Dr Phil, go running, get with a girlfriend and laugh!

minute by minute, day by day.

*hugs*
 
I'm really glad to hear you are purging him from your life. Congrats. I think you'll look back on this time and realize what a great decision it was and how strong you are for getting through all this.

One thing I did with an ex-bf that I was worried I might be tempted into reconnecting with is I wrote myself a letter about why that was a bad idea. We had a very civil break up so I was worried that when I got lonely I would only focus on the good things we have and not the reasons why we didn't work. I never ended up needing to go to the letter to remind myself of these things, but even writing it was therapeutic. It was like truly convincing myself I did the right thing by breaking it off. Maybe you could try this and if you're ever feeling tempted you can read it over and be reminded why you are SO much better off without him.
 
This is my first reply on 2.0, too! Parsley, I just want to say that I really respect you for having the strength to break it off. Even though he's obviously scum, it's ridiculously hard to leave someone that you love, despite what they've done to you. I know that absolutely. It's taken a great deal of personal strength on your part. I'm so sorry that it hurts right now, but I am really proud of you for having the self-respect to kick this guy to the curb. Maybe it doesn't help much right now, but I guarantee that you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Eventually, you'll look back on this scumbag and feel really relieved that you were strong enough to let him go.
 
sunnyd said:
Good for you, Parsley! I'm really happy to hear this. Yeah it sucks right now, but you will get over him. If you get tempted to contact him, just remember how he showed you his true ugly colors time and time again. Best of luck to you!
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I couldn't agree more with sunnyd.

big hugs, parsley. i know it may be cliche to say, but in time you will look back and know that you grew from this awful event, and that you came out on top.
 
Parsely,
Hon, how are you doing? We havent heard from you in a bit, which is understandable, just checking on you
 
Thanks for your words girls.

What's hurting is knowing that this is it, that he's gone, that I've lost my best friend. Not her, I couldn't care less about losing her. It's losing him as my best friend, both in the sense of I have deleted him, we're never going to talk again, and also that he just doesn't seem to exist anymore. We have a couple who are our closest mutual friends, and the girl of the couple is being really optimisitc about it all, saying that maybe in a year or two we'll be able to be friends again, talking about the connection we had as best friends. However, I just can't see it happening. I can't imagine that having anyone that treats me like he has in my life can ever be good for me. She thinks that this is how he is reacting to what he did, trying to punish himself by pushing me away cause he thinks he doesn't deserve me etc etc. That's perfectly plausible, but doesn't excuse it. He may well turn back into the person I wanted to marry, but I will never know that for sure, I can never trust him again. If his reaction afterwards had been nothing but remorse and wanting to do anything to make everything ok then I feel like we could have been successful. But it wasn't. He's acted like it's an inconvenience to him, and that I should be over it already. I'm just hoping that it won't take him long to realise what he's lost and that he will live with that forever. Whether that's a healthy viewpoint, I don't know, but I still hope it.

I'm having a sane moment. I like these times, I feel relatively strong. I can already feel it slipping away though. As much as he's hurt me and as much as I know I will be better off without him, it's still the most painful thing in the world to cut him out of my life, knowing that he probably won't care.

x
 
Oh Parsley love, I am so sorry. I'm starting to tear up just reading this because I've had a broken engagement, and I know
some of the pain. Every experience is different, and I have no idea how you are feeling, but I am glad to hear that you
are having moments of strength and I pray that those moments steadily increase until you become stronger because of what
has happened.

When my engagement broke off I went through about four months of severe depression (I've struggled with depression in the past)
and could not do a thing. I didn't think the weight of that feeling would ever lift. I went through the motions, went to work, and ran
to the bathroom to cry every 10mins when I heard a song that reminded me of him. (The work radio). Eventually I grew stronger,
and started to hope again. Started to breath again. Started to eat again. Started to value myself. It's a hell of an experience, but
I have to say now that my engagement breaking up is probably the best thing to have happened to me aside from my being saved
(I'm Christian, don't mean to offend anyone but that's how I truly feel.) I hope and pray that you take care of yourself through this
time and do what you need to do to strengthen your heart and your mind.

*HUGS*
 
decodelighted said:
I know its hard to see right now but this feeling is very TEMPORARY. With just a few days or maybe weeks of clarity you'll start to feel like "you" again and then you'll get ANGRY. ANGER is what is going to help you heal & realize that it isn't *him* you're losing but who you thought he was. This gives you the chance to find someone REAL. Someone who really, really IS who you think they are and who would NEVER be caught in a pub with your "friend".

Experiences like this don't break us. They MAKE us ... form who we are and teach us how to weather the inevitable storms of life. They also teach us how to better predict who is a liar ... who is a cheat ... who is fake ... what kind of treatment we want for ourselves.... what we will & will not accept.

CONGRATUALTIONS for drawing your own line in the sand. I GUARANTEE you'll have a better life for it. And an earlier start on that new life -- more time to meet the guy you're supposed to be with. One who won't leave you up crying & anxious. One who makes you feel like your best "you" ... not someone else altogether.

GOOD LUCK & A big HUG.
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I agree with decodelighted 10000%.

I wanted to add - Remember to forgive yourself from time to time and give yourself the leeway to heal. You are going to think about him fondly sometimes and it's okay. It's natural to think about the good times, what could have been, whether he misses you and regrets what he did, as long as you don't act on it and contact him.

I used to punish myself for being so weak and "letting him get to me again" - as if we were in some kind of power struggle in my head. But you know what? It was all in my head and it's okay to be human sometimes. It's also okay that you allowed him back in your life for a short period just to stop the world from moving for a second.

The key is - be selfish and be kind to yourself during this period. Don't let him have even a crack back into your life now. It's going to take some time to fully push him out of your head. Being angry and remembering the bad times (and when you really saw who is) will certainly help. Also tell mutual friends, when they bring him up, that you don't want to hear anymore about him or their ridiculous theories on the situation you just lived through.

You will likely go through (many) cycles of strength and weakness but you will feel stronger each time, and the strength will last longer each time. Focus on the progress and celebrate the times when you feel like "you", but also remember to forgive yourself for the times when you feel like you're backsliding and slipping. You're not a machine. It will happen from time to time and that's okay.
 
I am so sorry hon, i know it hurts now, but hopefully the hurt will go away soon. Please remeber that we are here to talk if you need us.
 
Paresly, as mean and cruel as he has been to you, I completely understand why it hurts. To be so hurt by someone you gave your everything for is the hardest thing to go through, but it does get better.

Last year I went through a very similar situation. The first 2 months were devastating, but once I realized he wasn't my world, that I am more important than any man, it got tremendously better.
It will get better, slowly but surely your heart will heal and the smile will come back.

<3
 
lulu said:
Anytime you feel like contacting him just focus on the ugliest thing he ever did to you. You will come out the other end, just hang in there.
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I had an ex that cheated and we broke up. He would occasionally call me back to, um, get "reacquainted" and I foolishly would give in. After making that mistake a few times, I realized he was just trying to have his cake and eat it too, so I wrote down everything about him I couldn't stand. I mean everything. It was pages and pages worth of complaints. When he'd text me asking me to come over, I'd bring out those pages and read them and get so furious again that it gave me the strength to ignore him. Eventually he stopped contacting me. That was six years ago. I am now happily married to a wonderful man and cannot fathom how I put up with the crap that my ex put me through. My life would be miserable if I was still with him. I thank my lucky stars that I found out the type of person he was before we ever got married.

Good luck. This will hurt a lot, but when it is over and you eventually meet someone perfect for you, you will be so, so grateful that you learned this lesson.
 
Parsley
You have not lost your best friend.
Your best friend would not treat you in such a shabby fashion.

What you have lost is the structure and routine of your former life.
It is both painful and frightening. I won't make light of that at all.

But it is also a wonderful opportunity to start to forge a new life for yourself.
Make a list of things no matter how small that you wanted to do but hesitated because they
interfered with your "couplehood". Then start to do them.

Above all be good to yourself.
 
Girls, I can't do this. I can't cope. I don't know what to do. I'm looking for a job, but god knows how long that will take. I don't know how to continue with this every day, it hurts so much.
 
Parsley, I'm so sorry that you're going through a "down" moment. In the first days after a serious breakup it really does feel like a roller coaster. You feel sad, strong, angry, guilty and desperate all within minutes of each other. As everyone has said, it does get better. I promise it gets better. I know that you're hurting so much right now...it's sort of like mourning a death, no? You once had a best friend, but that man is gone. Your best friend would never hurt you like this. No friend would hurt you like this.

I find that many women (myself included) tend to romanticize a relationship when it's over. You want to remember the happy memories instead of the times you were so frustrated and hurt that you thought you could spit nails. Don't forget that this man selfishly hurt your feelings to benefit himself, then showed little to no remorse once he realized the damage he'd done. As I said, that is not a friend. It's certainly not a partner. The man you thought you knew and loved does not exist. I know how incredibly hard it is to erase his number and eliminate him from your life, but remember that it is so you can heal. Just hearing his voice at this point would open up a very fresh wound. He needs to be out of your life for you to move on.

We're all here for you, Parsley, so post anytime you're feeling down. It's much better to reach out to a group of people who support you instead of analyzing everything in your own head and possibly rationalizing contacting him.
 
You CAN do this. I promise. When my ex and I broke up (and I thought my world was ending), somebody told me to just imagine it happened a month ago. It seemed silly, but it helped give me a little mental distance. Just the idea that I could control how much it affected me made a difference.

At the end of the day, he's worthless - as a friend, as a partner, and, frankly, as a pitiful excuse for a man. Who cares why he's distancing himself? The point is that YOU don't need HIM in YOUR LIFE. Who cares what's going on in his head? (Okay, right now, I know you do - but I promise, the sooner you stop thinking about why he's doing what he's doing and just look at the end result - his actions - you'll know it doesn't matter what's going on in his head.)

*big hugs*
 
I'm sorry you're hurting Parsley, but I'm so glad you broke up with him. He does not deserve you, and as much as I know it hurts now, it would be way worse and more damaging to stay with him.

Please post here every time you're feeling down. It's going to be a rollercoaster, but many of us have been in similar situations, and we're all here to tell you that it will be ok someday soon. Better than ok.

You did the right thing. Big hugs honey.
 
Parsley said:
Girls, I can't do this. I can't cope. I don't know what to do. I'm looking for a job, but god knows how long that will take. I don't know how to continue with this every day, it hurts so much.
Click to expand...

One baby step at a time, girl. Just focus on the next baby step.

What do I have to do next? If it's making a resume, then put all of your energy into that. If you need to lick envelopes and buy stamps, then that's all you need to focus on.
 
I've been following this thread for awhile, but haven't posted because I know there is nothing really to say that will help :-( I was reading your most recent posts earlier today and was just crying. I know the feelings you're going through - and its truly awful. My situation wasn't exactly like yours, but the feelings were almost the same. During the time, to be honest, I was just wishing I was dead. I literally saw no point in life, and I felt dead inside, and I couldn't see a point of going on. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt. It did get better, but it definitely took a long time. And it changed me as a person. Maybe in a good way? I am much more realistic about things now. OMG. There is nothing to say to make it better, but I tried to talk and cry a lot during that time to people. Sometimes it was just ramblings and I know sometimes my friends were really concerned and had know idea what I was talking about. I also spent a lot of time with myself just thinking about things and trying to get back to the core of myself - finding who I was again. It is painful. I guess lean on the people that you trust for the time being. :blackeye: I think you will come out of this as a stronger person than you were before.
 
Oh Parsley, you are doing the right thing. I promise every day it will get a little bit easier to breathe and a few months from now you won't feel a thing. When I went through a bad break up a few years ago I took a few months to myself. I hung out with the girls, had "me" nights where I just watched chick flicks and ate ice cream in the bathtub, and finally I decided to go out there again. You know what I did and you know what helped? I said yes to any guy that asked me out, within reason. If a guy I wasn't totally attracted to asked me to the movies, I went any way. I ended up with some great guy friends, a few horror stories, a crush or two, and then I met THE guy... But it was so much FUN. Distance yourself from men for a bit and when you feel ready let yourself remember that dating is supposed to enjoyable.

The last few months have just been awful for you, because you've been dealing with scum. It is OK to be hurt and it's normal to miss "your old life." But some day you will look back on it and see things so much clearer. Your new life, where you get to be yourself and be happy is going to be so much better. He does not deserve you and I am so glad you finally see that. That's the first step!

Take care of yourself and come to us when you need a good vent!
 
Parsley - I am just going to reiterate what I have at least twice before...please see a counselor. I will not say it anymore, but I think so much of the stuff you update on (i.e struggling with your feelings, not being able to cope) are things that you would benefit by talking to a counselor about. There is absolutely ZERO shame in talking to a counselor - it is a truly wonderful gift to yourself. See if you can find ones who will either do a sliding scale, or one through your school, work, etc, if finances are an issue.
 
Rai Kai - I am hoping to see a doctor soon, I have to re-register now I'm back home, and see what they suggest, and hopefully counselling will be it! I have no funds to go privately, I have finished university and looking for a job at the moment, so I cannot find someone via that route. Re-registering is taking awhile, so I don't know when I will be able to see them. I am hoping to get a job and move to London asap, so hopefully that will not throw anything off regarding doctors if they do provide counselling.
 
So I've been coping a lot better recently, yesterday was a bad day though. It got to the point where I missed him again and part of me had forgotten exactly why we weren't talking anymore which made me want to talk again, meaning I had to spend the day reminding myself of all the horrible things he's done, which is painful and exhausting. On top of that everything seems geared towards rubbing it in my face, prime example being when I signed into Facebook at the top of the page was splashed "Steph, who's missing?" :((
 
Stay strong parsley.

The person you loved is gone. Things will not be the same again if you get back together, some things cannot be undone.

Time heals all, I promise you that.

We are proud of you lady, keep it up.

I am already waiting for the day you announce your engagement to a wonderful man you truly deserves you.
 
I'd just like to say he's a slimeball and you deserve better. I know it's hard getting over the betrayal and his douchy behaviour. Give yourself time to heal and you'll slowly realize how much better you are without him. Please take care of yourself.
 
Any help any of you can offer for this would be greatly appreciated. I'm getting myself worked up over stuff again.

How do I deal with knowing I'm never going to get all the answers I want/need? I'm never going to know the truth about all of it, how can I stop myself getting worked up into a frenzy when it all gets too much? I've found that I'll be basically ok for quite awhile, and then there'll be a couple of days where it all gets on top of me and I just can't see past it. I know a lot of you have been here before, did you have any coping methods? Like I mentioned before, I'm looking into counselling, and also desperately trying to get a job, but it's not easy for a graduate. I just need things I can do when I'm at home alone, and get into this state where I can't see past what's happened. I'm proud of myself for managing to resist emailing him again earlier today. I kept reminding myself over and over that he's not going to reply and that would be worse.

Any ideas girls?

xxx
 
Have you thought about taking up a new hobby? Like going to the gym, running, something physical?

If that's not for you, you can try sewing or knitting? My first serious boyfriend, which lasted 4 years cheated on me with my best friend, too. I was younger, 18 at the time, but I was about to leave my mom and move to college. It was a terrible, terrible time for me. I took up crocheting. It sounds so stupid but I still do it. All the time : ) I'm working on a Snuggie for my pug right now.

Oh, scrap booking even? Maybe a University scrapbook? Just make sure to leave jerk face out of it. : D

Do something for you! Whatever you're interested in? Dancing? I dunno. You're a strong, wonderful woman, you will get through this! But I do know this is terrible. Just find something to distract yourself even a little.
 
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