princesss
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2007
- Messages
- 8,035
:-( He cheated.
- Thread starter Parsley
- Start date
Parsley
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2009
- Messages
- 152
sunnyd
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2007
- Messages
- 7,353
Don''t forget, you''re allowed to hate him. Especially right now. What he did was heinous and you can be furious about it!! We definitely are!!
Go see him and collect your things, but I''d advise against discussing your ''status'' until you''ve cooled off a lot. You may find that once the hurt subsides, all that''s left is big fat nothing. Or maybe you love him more than ever and things will be happily ever after, who knows!
Go see him and collect your things, but I''d advise against discussing your ''status'' until you''ve cooled off a lot. You may find that once the hurt subsides, all that''s left is big fat nothing. Or maybe you love him more than ever and things will be happily ever after, who knows!
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2008
- Messages
- 2,940
Parsley,
I am so sorry for what happened! I BEG you to stay strong and remove this man from your life. Do not give into temptation! I have been through this personally and it never ends well. Getting over such a huge breach of trust is very difficult and frankly he doesn''t deserve it....
Best of luck.
Best of luck.
lilyfoot
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2009
- Messages
- 1,955
Parsley
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2009
- Messages
- 152
Hey Ladies,
So seeing him wasn''t exactly the easiest thing in the world, but I''ve done it and we''ve made a plan. The evening that I got there he came in and we talked for a bit about stuff, and then were just sat there for ages in silence, both thinking furiously. The next day we went for lunch together, and had a wander round the shops and just had a generally lovely day, just like we used to. That evening we were talking and it was obvious that both sides of things were still there, you know? Like...how we get on and the more physical side of things too.
Obviously, I can''t just instantly forgive and forget, and start again, and neither of us wants that. If we''re going to start again it has to be *starting again*, not picking up where we left off. We''re going to give ourselves a long long time to just start chatting again and get to know each other all over again. If, after a few months, it looks like the very best option for the both of us is to be together again, we''ll do it, if it''s not, then we won''t. We''re not just going to get back together and hope for the best. If we do it will be a fresh start. Getting together again is the outcome we both want, but we''re also prepared for the fact that it might not be.
I''ve been a lot happier since we clarified this. It gives me something to look forward to, you know? In my mind this can only have a good outcome, because whatever it is it will be a decision we both decide is for the best. I''m looking forward to getting to know him again, and to showing him myself again, we lost that for a long time.
We''re going to give each other a lot of space during this, which luckily will be easy considering where we live etc. I wasn''t able to fit everything in my car this time, so am going to have to pop back next week sometime for the last few bits, but now it doesn''t worry me too much. It will just be nice to see everyone again, and we can all watch some World Cup games together as well, which is something the whole house were looking forward to this summer!
The only thing I''m having trouble with now is thoughts of her. I''ll be happily preoccupied with something else and she''ll pop into my head, and it makes me flinch. I dream about her a lot, she''s got this horrible smug face on, and I''m there screaming at her and pulling her hair out and she''s just standing there being smug. Do any of you have any ideas to help with this? It''s definitely the worst thing I''m contending with now, and I don''t know how to handle it?
P
xxx
So seeing him wasn''t exactly the easiest thing in the world, but I''ve done it and we''ve made a plan. The evening that I got there he came in and we talked for a bit about stuff, and then were just sat there for ages in silence, both thinking furiously. The next day we went for lunch together, and had a wander round the shops and just had a generally lovely day, just like we used to. That evening we were talking and it was obvious that both sides of things were still there, you know? Like...how we get on and the more physical side of things too.
Obviously, I can''t just instantly forgive and forget, and start again, and neither of us wants that. If we''re going to start again it has to be *starting again*, not picking up where we left off. We''re going to give ourselves a long long time to just start chatting again and get to know each other all over again. If, after a few months, it looks like the very best option for the both of us is to be together again, we''ll do it, if it''s not, then we won''t. We''re not just going to get back together and hope for the best. If we do it will be a fresh start. Getting together again is the outcome we both want, but we''re also prepared for the fact that it might not be.
I''ve been a lot happier since we clarified this. It gives me something to look forward to, you know? In my mind this can only have a good outcome, because whatever it is it will be a decision we both decide is for the best. I''m looking forward to getting to know him again, and to showing him myself again, we lost that for a long time.
We''re going to give each other a lot of space during this, which luckily will be easy considering where we live etc. I wasn''t able to fit everything in my car this time, so am going to have to pop back next week sometime for the last few bits, but now it doesn''t worry me too much. It will just be nice to see everyone again, and we can all watch some World Cup games together as well, which is something the whole house were looking forward to this summer!
The only thing I''m having trouble with now is thoughts of her. I''ll be happily preoccupied with something else and she''ll pop into my head, and it makes me flinch. I dream about her a lot, she''s got this horrible smug face on, and I''m there screaming at her and pulling her hair out and she''s just standing there being smug. Do any of you have any ideas to help with this? It''s definitely the worst thing I''m contending with now, and I don''t know how to handle it?
P
xxx
lilyfoot
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2009
- Messages
- 1,955
Parsley, I really can''t say that I feel the situation above is the ideal one for you, but it''s not really my place to judge, is it?
I am not saying your boyfriend is a bad person, but what I am saying is that the extent to which he went to show his lack of respect for you and your relationship is incredible.
I noticed in your post there is not one word about how he is planning on gaining your trust back. "Getting to know each other again" isn''t going to fix the fact that this man went behind your back and had an affair with your best friend. He didn''t cheat on you because he had forgotten who you were, or because he needed to get to know you again, he cheated on you because that was what he wanted to do, so he did it, without thought to your feelings, your years of history as a couple, your friendship, nothing.
A relationship is nothing without trust. Those dreams of your ex-best friend? I wouldn''t plan on those stopping until you have resolved this issue really and truly.
I know you love him, and I know you miss him. And I know that none of us here can say anything to make those feelings go away. I am hoping for the best resolution for you, regardless of what that may be.
I am not saying your boyfriend is a bad person, but what I am saying is that the extent to which he went to show his lack of respect for you and your relationship is incredible.
I noticed in your post there is not one word about how he is planning on gaining your trust back. "Getting to know each other again" isn''t going to fix the fact that this man went behind your back and had an affair with your best friend. He didn''t cheat on you because he had forgotten who you were, or because he needed to get to know you again, he cheated on you because that was what he wanted to do, so he did it, without thought to your feelings, your years of history as a couple, your friendship, nothing.
A relationship is nothing without trust. Those dreams of your ex-best friend? I wouldn''t plan on those stopping until you have resolved this issue really and truly.
I know you love him, and I know you miss him. And I know that none of us here can say anything to make those feelings go away. I am hoping for the best resolution for you, regardless of what that may be.
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2005
- Messages
- 19,491
Hi Parsley,
I ditto most of what Lilyfoot said but I wanted to address the question you posed in your last post.
You will likely not get rid of those images of her until you have truly forgiven both of them for what happened. I also feel that you MAY be experiencing some transference of feelings onto this girl because otherwise i would expect to see that you are dreaming/having images of BOTH of them in which you are angry/getting revenge. The fact that it is only her suggests that she is the symbol for what you are mad at even though it may not be fair for you to only be mad or upset with her.
I know how easy it is to say that if you get back together you will completely start over as opposed to picking up where you left off but that is, in my opinion, not too realistic. You cannot erase what existed before and it would be near impossible to have a natural relationship where you are pretending not to know each other. Even the fact that you spent a day doing things like you used to suggests that you can''t relearn what you enjoy doing together because you already know!
I wish you the best of luck and I hope that with whatever decisions you make comes great clarity, happiness and self-fulfillment.
I ditto most of what Lilyfoot said but I wanted to address the question you posed in your last post.
You will likely not get rid of those images of her until you have truly forgiven both of them for what happened. I also feel that you MAY be experiencing some transference of feelings onto this girl because otherwise i would expect to see that you are dreaming/having images of BOTH of them in which you are angry/getting revenge. The fact that it is only her suggests that she is the symbol for what you are mad at even though it may not be fair for you to only be mad or upset with her.
I know how easy it is to say that if you get back together you will completely start over as opposed to picking up where you left off but that is, in my opinion, not too realistic. You cannot erase what existed before and it would be near impossible to have a natural relationship where you are pretending not to know each other. Even the fact that you spent a day doing things like you used to suggests that you can''t relearn what you enjoy doing together because you already know!
I wish you the best of luck and I hope that with whatever decisions you make comes great clarity, happiness and self-fulfillment.
Parsley
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2009
- Messages
- 152
Lilyfoot - thanks for your reply.
This is actually how he said he wanted to try and regain my trust. By going extreeeemely slowly and not forcing anything from either side. We talked about it a LOT. After all, when we first started talking (ever) we had to build up trust then, and it is the same now. Well not the *same* but you know.
This isn''t going to be a quick thing, I''m still hurting a lot, and am not going to rush in blindly. If it becomes clear in a few months that I simply cannot trust him again, then that will be that, but we will at least have tried.
Getting to know each other again isn''t a reaction to what happened, it''s sorting another part of our relationship that wasn''t going well. We shouldn''t have moved in together.
I want you all to know that I''m not treading blindly, because I just want to be with him again and that''s that. I am guarding myself and my heart, because I am just not ready to be hurt again. When I say slow, I mean slow. You''re not going to find me here in a month saying "we''re together!" If I cannot forgive him and really and truly trust him again I will not go back. That will only happen if I believe with all my heart that he will never hurt me again. I already believe he is truly truly sorry, and that took me a long time.
This is actually how he said he wanted to try and regain my trust. By going extreeeemely slowly and not forcing anything from either side. We talked about it a LOT. After all, when we first started talking (ever) we had to build up trust then, and it is the same now. Well not the *same* but you know.
This isn''t going to be a quick thing, I''m still hurting a lot, and am not going to rush in blindly. If it becomes clear in a few months that I simply cannot trust him again, then that will be that, but we will at least have tried.
Getting to know each other again isn''t a reaction to what happened, it''s sorting another part of our relationship that wasn''t going well. We shouldn''t have moved in together.
I want you all to know that I''m not treading blindly, because I just want to be with him again and that''s that. I am guarding myself and my heart, because I am just not ready to be hurt again. When I say slow, I mean slow. You''re not going to find me here in a month saying "we''re together!" If I cannot forgive him and really and truly trust him again I will not go back. That will only happen if I believe with all my heart that he will never hurt me again. I already believe he is truly truly sorry, and that took me a long time.
hoofbeats95
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2008
- Messages
- 1,469
I just joined this thread. I didn''t read everyone''s posts, but I did read yours Parsley. Please be so careful! I''ve been in a similar situation. Trust is very very hard to repair. Ultimately I was unable to do it. I think the old saying "once a cheat always a cheat" is true. What happens the next time? Say a year from now you guys have worked it out and are together. Will you really be able to trust him? Let''s say you walk into a pub to meet him and he''s sitting next to a pretty girl, or even a different mutual friend of yours like this last time. Will doubts run through your head? It''s awfully hard to push this stuff to the back of your mind. I''m not judging you. I''ve been in similar shoes. My FI is now someone that I trust 100%. However, due to the previous relationship I had, I was very hard on him when we first met. I didn''t trust at all. Heck even last night there was a situation that made me get slammed back into a memory of that other relationship. Trust is not something that should be stomped on. I''m surprised at how insincere it was in the beginning of this issue. That makes me question his intentions. Does he really want you back? Or does he only want you because the other chick didn''t hang around? Just an out loud thought that you do not have to answer. Ultimately I wish you the best of luck. 
OUpearlgirl
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2007
- Messages
- 3,081
Honestly, Parsley, I am baffled. This man cheated on you when you were under the same roof. I don''t know how he expects you to trust him when you aren''t even in the same city.
I am sad for you that you will waste even one more minute of your time on this little boy. I am sad that you are somehow taking the blame in this, thinking you need to show himself who you are again.
I wish you the best of luck, and we''ll all be here regardless of what happens.
I am sad for you that you will waste even one more minute of your time on this little boy. I am sad that you are somehow taking the blame in this, thinking you need to show himself who you are again.
I wish you the best of luck, and we''ll all be here regardless of what happens.
Hudson_Hawk
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2006
- Messages
- 10,541
decodelighted
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2005
- Messages
- 11,534
HUH? WHAT?????? Parsley, you are going to look back at this and feel like the world''s biggest fool. Why are you mad at *her* and having dreams of pulling *her* hair out when you SHOULD be mad at HIM. Oh yeah, you couldn''t snog & cuddle w/him and be mad at the same time.
HE WAS CHEATING WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND. GAME. OVER. DREAM. OVER.
MOVE ON GIRL -- or regret it FOREVER.
** These situations are always SOOOO frustrating because so many of us have been in similar situations and recognize the "head-in-sand" behavior of DENIAL and hoping and wishing and wanting the happy outcome SO DARN BADLY that we''ll talk ourselves into believing the most random, hurtful, self-sabotaging BUNK.
SERIOUSLY -- how many times do you end up in side by side rocking chairs with an eighty year old dude and think "Good thing we got over that you sleeping with my friend thing!"
HE WAS CHEATING WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND. GAME. OVER. DREAM. OVER.
MOVE ON GIRL -- or regret it FOREVER.
** These situations are always SOOOO frustrating because so many of us have been in similar situations and recognize the "head-in-sand" behavior of DENIAL and hoping and wishing and wanting the happy outcome SO DARN BADLY that we''ll talk ourselves into believing the most random, hurtful, self-sabotaging BUNK.
SERIOUSLY -- how many times do you end up in side by side rocking chairs with an eighty year old dude and think "Good thing we got over that you sleeping with my friend thing!"
merilenda
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2010
- Messages
- 816
You''re an adult who can make your own decisions, but I just want to throw in that I agree with the other posters. I think that you feel such a high level of animosity (hence, the dreams) toward the girl involved because you are trying to place all the blame on her. I think it''s emotionally easier that way. This happens a lot, even when the other person wasn''t a friend.
I really think you''re kidding yourself though if you think this relationship can ever be repaired. First of all, it really doesn''t sound like he''s that concerned with changing his ways and gaining your trust. And in such an extreme case of infidelity - it wasn''t exactly a one-time deal with a stranger, he was cheating on you for a length of time with your best friend - I just highly doubt that you will ever be able to truly trust him again. At the very least, I don''t think you''ll ever get over a certain resentment toward him.
I get the things you are saying. You still love him, and you''ll regret not trying at least. And you''ll take it slow and break things off if you realize you can''t trust him again. I have been there, and I probably wouldn''t have cared what some person on the internet had to say at the time. But I just want to really caution you here - and I hardly ever give unsolicited advice to anyone. I think you''re walking into a terrible situation here if you allow this person back into your life. Honestly, it''s easy to say that you''ll break things off if you can''t trust him after a certain amount of time, but I don''t know that you will. If you realize after 3 months or 6 months or a year that you still wonder what he''s doing when you''re not around, will you really say "well we tried, oh well, bye!"? Because trust me, it''s going to be a lot harder to break up at that point than it is now.
It''s scary to cut a person out of your life who you loved so much, no matter what the person does to you. I know that. But I just don''t think that he loves you back, because if he did, he would at the very least have acted very differently in the aftermath of this. And as painful as it would be to make a clean break today and never look back, I guarantee that it''s going to be more painful in the longrun to waste anymore time trying with this guy.
I really wish you well, Parsley. You just deserve much better than this guy, and it makes me sad that you can''t see that right now. I hope that you find a way to be truly happy no matter what you decide to do.
I really think you''re kidding yourself though if you think this relationship can ever be repaired. First of all, it really doesn''t sound like he''s that concerned with changing his ways and gaining your trust. And in such an extreme case of infidelity - it wasn''t exactly a one-time deal with a stranger, he was cheating on you for a length of time with your best friend - I just highly doubt that you will ever be able to truly trust him again. At the very least, I don''t think you''ll ever get over a certain resentment toward him.
I get the things you are saying. You still love him, and you''ll regret not trying at least. And you''ll take it slow and break things off if you realize you can''t trust him again. I have been there, and I probably wouldn''t have cared what some person on the internet had to say at the time. But I just want to really caution you here - and I hardly ever give unsolicited advice to anyone. I think you''re walking into a terrible situation here if you allow this person back into your life. Honestly, it''s easy to say that you''ll break things off if you can''t trust him after a certain amount of time, but I don''t know that you will. If you realize after 3 months or 6 months or a year that you still wonder what he''s doing when you''re not around, will you really say "well we tried, oh well, bye!"? Because trust me, it''s going to be a lot harder to break up at that point than it is now.
It''s scary to cut a person out of your life who you loved so much, no matter what the person does to you. I know that. But I just don''t think that he loves you back, because if he did, he would at the very least have acted very differently in the aftermath of this. And as painful as it would be to make a clean break today and never look back, I guarantee that it''s going to be more painful in the longrun to waste anymore time trying with this guy.
I really wish you well, Parsley. You just deserve much better than this guy, and it makes me sad that you can''t see that right now. I hope that you find a way to be truly happy no matter what you decide to do.
E B
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2005
- Messages
- 9,491
Geez, Parsley, I have to agree with the others. I'm late to the thread, but I just can't believe this man is getting what he wanted all along- the relationship and the fling. I can *possibly* see working together to move past a one-night-stand, but he cheated on you with your best friend, under the same roof, and he's getting a second chance? So soon? AT ALL?
I can't imagine how hard it must be to move on after giving so many years to one person, but please consider the future, YOUR future. Is the man who cheated on you with your best friend really the one you want to move forward with? Give several more years to? Marry? Have children with?
No one can tell you what to do, but even knowing so little about the situation, this doesn't seem like the best choice for you to make by a long shot.
I wish you the best of luck.
I can't imagine how hard it must be to move on after giving so many years to one person, but please consider the future, YOUR future. Is the man who cheated on you with your best friend really the one you want to move forward with? Give several more years to? Marry? Have children with?
No one can tell you what to do, but even knowing so little about the situation, this doesn't seem like the best choice for you to make by a long shot.
I wish you the best of luck.
RaiKai
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2010
- Messages
- 1,255
Parsley,
Sigh. I feel so very, very sad for you. I really don't want to say you are foolish - I think you are just very hurt - but I think how you are handling this is a bit foolish. I do not at all want to be harsh here. There are times where I do give some tough love.....but I have been following your thread and I don't think it is tough love you need. I think you are intelligent, and you want to make the right choices, but you are still in pain and so are making choices based out of that. From your point they seem like empowered, and it seems like you are "in control again" (which is probably part of the motivation) but I can say from an outsiders perspective it is not looking like tht at all.
I think your anger at her is valid, but I am sad you are not angry at HIM. Why does he get the chance to work his way back into your good books, and she does not? How is she anymore smug than he is? As cruel as your best friend was......it was HIM that was in what was supposedly a committed relationship to you. Not her. It was him that treated you like crap, and that seemed to care more about how HE felt than you did afterward.
I am not going to say "once a cheater, always a cheater"....as I think that is cliche and I think there are people who at times make foolish decisions and cheat....and then learn from their mistake and learn about the hurt they caused and mature and do not make those sorts of choices again. However, I have never seen that happen IN the same relationship they were in when they cheated, because while they did not handle things properly the fact they cheated signaled something was not right for them both with themselves and with the relationship to make that foolish choice.
What *I* think you should be doing right now is going to individual counseling - just you and a wonderful therapist. You should be talking to a therapist about your pain. About your anger. About what you WANT to do and do NOT WANT to do. I do not think you should be making ANY decisions about your relationship with this guy for months. Not even decisions to "see each other and see what happens".
I do also think that doing what you ARE doing right now - continuing to see him and see what happens - is setting yourself up for more pain and a true train wreck.
Can you honestly say that in 3 or 6 months you will break it off if you still cannot trust him? You can't trust him now - he CHEATED on you - and you are still there. What would happen in 3 months to magically make you less inclined to "make it work"?
I am also curious...as you are doing this "dating" are you seeing other people? By that I mean are you agreeing you CAN see other people and are you ACTUALLY seeing other people. Is he going to end up seeing others as he can and wants to, and you are not as you feel too loyal to him? What is being learned if he is seeing others? What is being learned if you are limiting yourself to someone who CHEATED. What happens if he meets someone else during this period and decides to drop you again? Or keep you on the side again? If you are both unable to see other people by agreement...then how is it taking things slow at all?
Sigh. I feel so very, very sad for you. I really don't want to say you are foolish - I think you are just very hurt - but I think how you are handling this is a bit foolish. I do not at all want to be harsh here. There are times where I do give some tough love.....but I have been following your thread and I don't think it is tough love you need. I think you are intelligent, and you want to make the right choices, but you are still in pain and so are making choices based out of that. From your point they seem like empowered, and it seems like you are "in control again" (which is probably part of the motivation) but I can say from an outsiders perspective it is not looking like tht at all.
I think your anger at her is valid, but I am sad you are not angry at HIM. Why does he get the chance to work his way back into your good books, and she does not? How is she anymore smug than he is? As cruel as your best friend was......it was HIM that was in what was supposedly a committed relationship to you. Not her. It was him that treated you like crap, and that seemed to care more about how HE felt than you did afterward.
I am not going to say "once a cheater, always a cheater"....as I think that is cliche and I think there are people who at times make foolish decisions and cheat....and then learn from their mistake and learn about the hurt they caused and mature and do not make those sorts of choices again. However, I have never seen that happen IN the same relationship they were in when they cheated, because while they did not handle things properly the fact they cheated signaled something was not right for them both with themselves and with the relationship to make that foolish choice.
What *I* think you should be doing right now is going to individual counseling - just you and a wonderful therapist. You should be talking to a therapist about your pain. About your anger. About what you WANT to do and do NOT WANT to do. I do not think you should be making ANY decisions about your relationship with this guy for months. Not even decisions to "see each other and see what happens".
I do also think that doing what you ARE doing right now - continuing to see him and see what happens - is setting yourself up for more pain and a true train wreck.
Can you honestly say that in 3 or 6 months you will break it off if you still cannot trust him? You can't trust him now - he CHEATED on you - and you are still there. What would happen in 3 months to magically make you less inclined to "make it work"?
I am also curious...as you are doing this "dating" are you seeing other people? By that I mean are you agreeing you CAN see other people and are you ACTUALLY seeing other people. Is he going to end up seeing others as he can and wants to, and you are not as you feel too loyal to him? What is being learned if he is seeing others? What is being learned if you are limiting yourself to someone who CHEATED. What happens if he meets someone else during this period and decides to drop you again? Or keep you on the side again? If you are both unable to see other people by agreement...then how is it taking things slow at all?
merilenda
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2010
- Messages
- 816
lilyfoot
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2009
- Messages
- 1,955
E B
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2005
- Messages
- 9,491
Absolutely. A good, LONG period of time to yourself, without any contact with your ex, sounds like the best thing for you right now. I know you've vowed to take it slow with him, but what are the actual chances of that happening? With someone you were intimate with for so long? Easier said than done, I imagine.
Keep reminding yourself that he didn't come to you, sobbing, racked with guilt over what he'd done. YOU caught them in the act. How long would it have gone on had you not discovered the affair yourself? And this man deserves a second chance?
If you haven't already, revisit the earlier pages of this thread. Try to recall to the way he treated you after you discovered the infidelity. How you knew you'd blame yourself, and possibly slip back into a relationship with him because you miss him, even though you KNEW you shouldn't.
lulu
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2003
- Messages
- 2,328
So I did ring him. He didn''t answer. Got a message awhile later...."Hey whats up?" Like it was any other day. I said I needed to talk to him, his reply? Here''s the kicker. "What about?" Hmm. Can you think? After getting past that he was like "you''re just going to shout at me and call me a (expletive) and I am one, and you''ll just be upset etc." That really got to me, it was like...I''m upset all the time anyway. I know I need to talk to you sooner or later, and now I can''t hurt much more so best do it now. Then he just said "Ring me if you want" I dunno if it comes through to everyone, or if it''s just because I know him, but it was just so...like him going fine whatever, ring me. You know?
So I rang him. He was so matter of fact. I''m sorry, what happened happened, he is sorry. He sounded like someone talking on the phone while watching something on tv. I was so hurt, realising that he truly did not care, he sounded completely normal. He said he was sorry, and I said I couldn''t believe him, and then he snapped at me "Well what''s the point of talking to me then?" Actually snapped. So I hung up. And sobbed. I got messages apologising for snapping, saying he was sorry, he didn''t want me to hate him. It''s all rubbish. He''s a coward that didn''t want to hear me cry. He''s been acting all devastated to our housemate, but he''s just not. He just seems completely happy to be rid of me, like it was annoying that this came of it, but whatever, he''s free.
This hurts so much.
*Do you hurt, but still feel alive like never before?*
Parsley, I copied one of your earlier posts to remind you of his earlier behavior. Your signature line has always bothered me--love is not supposed to be painful. Take care of yourself.
sunnyd
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2007
- Messages
- 7,353
Big ditto to these. Parsley, are you lonely? You don''t have answer us here, just think about it. I mean it seems like you got majorly screwed in this deal! He cheated with your best friend, so you lose both of them. Then you have to move out the house you''re both living in so you lose contact with the other roommates.
I honestly don''t understand why you''re not as angry with him as you are with her. Remember how he wasn''t apologetic at all afterward? "Getting to know you again" is not a way to make amends here. Having been in a position where I got back together with an ex people usually just don''t take it slow. They fall back into the same patterns and then wonder why the same things are broken. HOW is he going to prove to you that he''s faithful?! It doesn''t seem like he cares.
luckynumber
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2009
- Messages
- 665
FrekeChild
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2007
- Messages
- 19,456
Where is your self respect woman?!
I wasn't a cheatee, but I was a cheater. I knew the consequences of my actions. I got caught, and the fool took me back. Even though I didn't really want to go back, I wanted the comfort and the safety of the KNOWN. I didn't want to go back into the unknown world of dating!
Stupid stupid idea for both of us.
Whats that saying? Fool me once, shame on YOU. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
This is your decision, and guess what? It's a stupid one.
ETA: I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but really girl. My BFF was in your situation. I told her the same thing. She went back with him anyway. 6 months later she was back crying on my shoulder--even though she had managed to regain her trust in him, he continued to treat her as badly as he could. 3 years later, and 3 years into a relationship with someone she CAN trust, and she's still fighting to regain her self-respect.
I wasn't a cheatee, but I was a cheater. I knew the consequences of my actions. I got caught, and the fool took me back. Even though I didn't really want to go back, I wanted the comfort and the safety of the KNOWN. I didn't want to go back into the unknown world of dating!
Stupid stupid idea for both of us.
Whats that saying? Fool me once, shame on YOU. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
This is your decision, and guess what? It's a stupid one.
ETA: I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but really girl. My BFF was in your situation. I told her the same thing. She went back with him anyway. 6 months later she was back crying on my shoulder--even though she had managed to regain her trust in him, he continued to treat her as badly as he could. 3 years later, and 3 years into a relationship with someone she CAN trust, and she's still fighting to regain her self-respect.
Hest88
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 22, 2003
- Messages
- 4,357
Yep. He is not a wound-up toy. Don''t let your love for him blind you to his culpability.
Parsley, I, too, have been where you are. I even ended up marrying the guy, which was the hugest mistake. It''s not that couples can get over infidelity; they can. Dear Abby, I''m sure, has plenty of examples. But I''m not optimistic.
One bit of wisdom from someone who''s lived it. You say you love him. Of course you do. But I think we''re programmed to believe that love is something God-sent. That if you fall in love with someone it means the stars have aligned to tell you deeply, profoundly, that you were meant to be with this person. That you''re suppose to swim oceans and fight dragons to be with him.
It''s not true.
The act of falling in love is chemical, biological. It''s not about souls connecting or about fate. That''s why the whole "love is an action" thing is so true. Falling in love is nature''s way of ensuring the survival of the human race; it''s what happens after the initial phase of being in love that matters. It''s about how the two of you consciously--as sentient, responsible, mature, deliberate human beings--relate to one another, support each other, demonstrate your love for one another.
I wish you the best, and hope it turns out the way you hope. Good luck.
I know no one here knows the ins and outs of your situation, and so can t really give you the best advice, but I have two things I d like to say. This is coming from someone whose father was a serial cheater, and whose BF is going through this situation.
First, do you want to have kids? If so, being brought up in a situation where the father has a roving eye is horrible. The kids always know, and it really effs up their ability to choose good men, and form healthy relationships. My personal belief is that if you want kids then you have to bear them in mind when choosing your partner (to an extent). Now I am not of the persuasion of ''once a cheater always a cheater'', some people can make mistakes. But, if he is making such a mistake when you are not yet married, not yet had kids, mortgage, etc, when relatively speaking you are in the honeymoon period, then I would imagine he will cheat again!
I told my friend recently that she was an amazing, beautiful woman, and she deserves a man who wakes up every morning and says ''wow, I am with X, imagine if something happened and I lost her, imagine how terrible that would be'', someone who goes out of his way to protect the relationship, not a man who blithely puts it in mortal jeopardy. Same goes for you Parsley!
I genuinely wish you the best! Remember- however much you love him, you HAVE to love yourself more.
First, do you want to have kids? If so, being brought up in a situation where the father has a roving eye is horrible. The kids always know, and it really effs up their ability to choose good men, and form healthy relationships. My personal belief is that if you want kids then you have to bear them in mind when choosing your partner (to an extent). Now I am not of the persuasion of ''once a cheater always a cheater'', some people can make mistakes. But, if he is making such a mistake when you are not yet married, not yet had kids, mortgage, etc, when relatively speaking you are in the honeymoon period, then I would imagine he will cheat again!
I told my friend recently that she was an amazing, beautiful woman, and she deserves a man who wakes up every morning and says ''wow, I am with X, imagine if something happened and I lost her, imagine how terrible that would be'', someone who goes out of his way to protect the relationship, not a man who blithely puts it in mortal jeopardy. Same goes for you Parsley!
I genuinely wish you the best! Remember- however much you love him, you HAVE to love yourself more.
blacksand
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2010
- Messages
- 889
Parsley—Many of us have felt what you are feeling. As such, we know you aren’t going to listen to us, because that just isn’t what people do when they are in love. They do what they feel in their heart. In your situation, I think you know that doing so is only going to cause you more pain. But I think you’ll end up doing it anyway.
My ex cheated on me. Not with my best friend. I think I would have about died if it had been with my best friend. It hurt enough that he cheated with someone I don’t know. But he cheated, and I was crushed. He had called me another girl’s name in bed a few weeks before. And he had told me that it meant nothing, that he had just spent the day with this girl at work and accidentally slipped and called me her name..but they weren’t together, it wasn’t anything, and he wasn’t sorry. I believed him. Do you know how stupid I feel for believing him? But you believe what you want to believe; rational thinking has nothing to do with it. Two weeks later, he broke up with me. By e-mail. Told me he had been with the other girl for six months. She was from Peru, and he was going to Peru to marry her. I was upset. Then I was angry. Then I called him and screamed a bunch of obscenities at him. Then I suddenly felt peaceful. I thought long and hard. I made a decision. It felt like the best decision I had ever made.
I bought a plane ticket to South America. Yes, I know. $800 of my poor college student money gone, and THE WORST IDEA EVER. But this was the love of my life! Our relationship had been perfect! We just needed to talk, get to know each other again, figure out what went wrong. Right.
In my case, I was extremely lucky. I didn’t think so at the time, but I was. He wanted nothing to do with me. He married the other girl, and wrote me out of his life. I am lucky, because if he had wanted me back, I would have gone back to him. I might still be with him now. And he would still be the same person who hurt and disrespected me. And he would likely still be cheating on me.
It took about a year. I felt every emotion under the sun. Some of them made no sense. I remember being FURIOUS at a street performer playing a Peruvian pan flute one day. How dare he be [probably] the same nationality as the girl my ex cheated on me with? Ridiculous, I know. But that’s how I felt. Completely misplaced emotions. That’s where my head was at the time. And it went lots of different places after that. And it took me a full year of soul-searching, not dating, and eating ice cream to feel like myself again. It hurt every day. I had nightmares every night. I had truly loved this man.
Only after that year was I able to see how good it was that I was out of that relationship. How little sense it made to want to be with someone who would cause me that kind of pain. You don’t want that, either, Parsley. Maybe you feel like you do now, but you won’t.
I know you feel in control now. I know you think you’ve made a good decision. So let me ask you: reading my story, do you think I made good decisions? I read that back now and I think I sound like the world’s biggest moron. What the hell was I thinking? But it seemed like a great idea at the time. You need to understand that you aren’t thinking rationally now, even if you feel like you are. If you were being rational, you wouldn’t be haunted by those dreams. You should also understand that it’s okay for you to feel like you do and think what you are thinking. I don’t mean to criticize at all. But I do hope you will take some time to sort things out before you make any decisions. I second seeing a counselor. I wish I had. I think it would have helped me get myself together a lot sooner. You should also understand that, whether you stay with him or break up, you’re going to hurt, a lot, for a long time. And I’m truly sorry for that.
My ex cheated on me. Not with my best friend. I think I would have about died if it had been with my best friend. It hurt enough that he cheated with someone I don’t know. But he cheated, and I was crushed. He had called me another girl’s name in bed a few weeks before. And he had told me that it meant nothing, that he had just spent the day with this girl at work and accidentally slipped and called me her name..but they weren’t together, it wasn’t anything, and he wasn’t sorry. I believed him. Do you know how stupid I feel for believing him? But you believe what you want to believe; rational thinking has nothing to do with it. Two weeks later, he broke up with me. By e-mail. Told me he had been with the other girl for six months. She was from Peru, and he was going to Peru to marry her. I was upset. Then I was angry. Then I called him and screamed a bunch of obscenities at him. Then I suddenly felt peaceful. I thought long and hard. I made a decision. It felt like the best decision I had ever made.
I bought a plane ticket to South America. Yes, I know. $800 of my poor college student money gone, and THE WORST IDEA EVER. But this was the love of my life! Our relationship had been perfect! We just needed to talk, get to know each other again, figure out what went wrong. Right.
In my case, I was extremely lucky. I didn’t think so at the time, but I was. He wanted nothing to do with me. He married the other girl, and wrote me out of his life. I am lucky, because if he had wanted me back, I would have gone back to him. I might still be with him now. And he would still be the same person who hurt and disrespected me. And he would likely still be cheating on me.
It took about a year. I felt every emotion under the sun. Some of them made no sense. I remember being FURIOUS at a street performer playing a Peruvian pan flute one day. How dare he be [probably] the same nationality as the girl my ex cheated on me with? Ridiculous, I know. But that’s how I felt. Completely misplaced emotions. That’s where my head was at the time. And it went lots of different places after that. And it took me a full year of soul-searching, not dating, and eating ice cream to feel like myself again. It hurt every day. I had nightmares every night. I had truly loved this man.
Only after that year was I able to see how good it was that I was out of that relationship. How little sense it made to want to be with someone who would cause me that kind of pain. You don’t want that, either, Parsley. Maybe you feel like you do now, but you won’t.
I know you feel in control now. I know you think you’ve made a good decision. So let me ask you: reading my story, do you think I made good decisions? I read that back now and I think I sound like the world’s biggest moron. What the hell was I thinking? But it seemed like a great idea at the time. You need to understand that you aren’t thinking rationally now, even if you feel like you are. If you were being rational, you wouldn’t be haunted by those dreams. You should also understand that it’s okay for you to feel like you do and think what you are thinking. I don’t mean to criticize at all. But I do hope you will take some time to sort things out before you make any decisions. I second seeing a counselor. I wish I had. I think it would have helped me get myself together a lot sooner. You should also understand that, whether you stay with him or break up, you’re going to hurt, a lot, for a long time. And I’m truly sorry for that.
I have read a lot of this just now, a little late in the whole story. I''m not here to give advice because I have not (and hope never to) had to experience this. I just wanted to say I am so so so sorry you are going through this and you know you can talk to any of us here. We may not agree with your decisions at times, but from the looks of it, we will understand and support you.
Please try to think with your head before you follow your heart, rationality is never found in the heart. Best of luck and thoughts and prayers are with you.
Please try to think with your head before you follow your heart, rationality is never found in the heart. Best of luck and thoughts and prayers are with you.
monkeyprincess
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2009
- Messages
- 2,873
brazen_irish_hussy
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jun 13, 2006
- Messages
- 2,044
How can the relationship ever be okay if living together screwed everything up. Are you going to get married and keep seperate flats? If that is what caused the problem, how are you going to remedy it? Starting over will take you to the same place, moving in, being unhappy and eventually being cheated on.
How is taking it slowly proof that he won''t do it again? Is he getting counciling? Has he apologized to you and told why he did and what solid steps he can take in the future to prevent this? If not, taking it slow just means it takes longer for him to f up again and wastes more of your life.
I have been where you are, in love with a guy who wanted to start over after what he did, I did think about going back and I would have, had I decided to go to the college in his area. And I would have been steuck with him until I was so miserable I couldn''t stand it and would never have met my DH, who is the most wonderful person I have ever known and totally blows the old guy out of the water.
300x240.png)