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:-( He cheated.

Parsley-I am so sorry!!!!!!! I know that you are sad and hurt and angry and miss him, but please don''t call him! If you are meant to be together, he will work through his sh$%, lose his cheating ways, and win you back as a man, not as a coward. If not, then as painful as it is, you are MUCH better of without him and prolonging that by getting back together, talking to him, trying to be friends, whatever, is not going to help things right now.

(((((((((((((((Huge hugs)))))))))))
 
Poole''s nice. Unfortunately I found out when I was visiting *her* cause she lives in Dorset, so think that area is ruined for me for awhile! We didn''t get the sun until about midday, then it was beautiful.

I know this is just because of the ups and downs I''m going through now, but my head knows that getting back together with him is the wrong idea, but you know how fickle hearts are. Thing is, I know that he doesn''t want to get back together, so it''s a bit of a double blow? Even though I don''t want to get back together, part of me at this point of time does, because it''s not the logical part. But even then, it''s like...even if I did whole heartedly think I could forgive and forget and move on...he wouldn''t want to so that''s that. Ergh.
 
Parsley: I know I am a bit late to this post but I wanted to say how sorry I am that he did this to you. I know you must be hurting, but the silver lining is that at least you knew the kind of person he was before you spent your life married to this guy. My mom was married for 25 years to the same man (my dad) just to find out one day that he had been cheating on her for most of their marriage and with multiple women. It was so hard for me to watch her be so hurt because so much time, precious time in her life had been wasted on this guy who wasn''t serious about marriage in the first place! One day this ex-dude of yours will wake up and realize the big mistake he made by doing this to you, until then you can think to yourself how awesome you are and how happy you are that this was revealed to you before it was "too late".
 
What a horrible place you are in. It isn''t easy. I wonder how much of this is you wanting to prove you are just as attractive as the woman he went off with. Would it make you feel better to know he was missing you and pining after you? That way you would win and beat her in some way? To be the one in the position to say that you don''t want him after what he did?

Does any of that make sense?
 
It might very well be. Or even that I was better for him, for him to realise everything I did for him, how much I cared. I want to be something too worthwhile to lose.
 
You are worthwhile to lose. And one day he will see that. My dad left when we were small. My dad told me recently that the worst mistake he ever made in his life was leaving my mother. You never know how good you have something till its gone. Your bf might have thought his life needed some excitement. But it soon turns sour when you don''t have the comfort and stability that a long term relationship brings.
 
Parsley - If it helps, it doesn't matter whether he pines or begs for you to come back now, he should be out of your life and you know it.

I don't know if this applies to him but in your few posts, I'm starting to get Big Red Flashing Signs that says, "Thank gawd wonderful Parsley got out of this one". He seems callous, manipulative and unremorseful.

- He's lying to your roommates about "feeling used";
- Saying nice or the "right" things that you know full well are insincere;
- managing to stay at your place even though your ex-friend was run off by your roommates;
- little concern for the feelings of others;
- everyone's just a pawn in his game and he couldn't be bothered to deal with the girlfriend of years that he hurt because he doesn't feel like getting yelled at
- and it all seems to be about "me, me, me".

From my ol' undergraduate days, I think we termed these people sociopaths.

If you were only with him when it was good for him, and he has no need for you when you're an inconvenience, I think now is the time to get mad. You are absolutely worthy of everything good. You did nothing wrong. In fact, if I were in your position, I think I would have behaved much more poorly than you did.... and I would feel like I have Nothing to apologize for.

You definitely don't have to apologize for yelling or getting angry. He deserves every last bitter word. So hold you head up high. You have wonderfully supportive family and friends, and I think this says a lot of good things about you as well. Enjoy your time with them, and it wouldn't hurt to go for a long ride in your new car and just be in different surroundings for a while.
 
Disown both of them and possibly bodily harm.
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Parsley, are you sure that you are missing HIM? I feel like you are just missing the idea of him, missing the routine, the familiarity, the relationship, but not him as a person. He sounds like an awful person who doesnt care less about you (sorry, but thats what his behaviour before and after the event screams at me).

You need to fill that void somehow, and i know this is going to sound terrible and crass but to sum up what i am trying to say here is that the best way to get over a man, is to get underneath another one. Now i am not saying that you should start having one night stands or anything like that but you really need to replace him with something else to fill that void, just until you are strong enough to stay away from him for good. (It doesnt have to be a man, it could be anything really).

As others have said, the longer you have contact with him, the longer it is going to take to heal.

Goodluck!
 
My ex and I broke up pretty often - we were highly dysfunctional - but we always got back together. I was in love. The last time we broke up he immediately hooked up with one of my very good friends and it tore me up and how you described the weight in your chest and yet emptiness... I can so relate to that. But somewhere deep down inside I was really glad that she and he were hooked up so there was no chance of me and he getting back together. It gave me a closure I didn''t have the wherewithal to stick to on my own. Eventually I thanked her :) But it took a while...
 
I''m sorry you are upset.

You miss your relationship and special moments with this man, here is how I would see it:

What you are missing no longer exists; it is a fantasy. What now exists is that you once had a great relationship (I hope) with a man who abused your trust and cheated on you. What once was, is no longer.

So don''t call him, don''t text him and don''t prolong this break-up, for your own emotional well-being.

Unless you want to get back into bed with the man that cheated on you with that tramp then hold your head right up and leave the phone alone.
 
Of course you want him to see what he has lost - and to regret it.

Unfortunately you have no control over how he feels or thinks. Fortunately, he has no control over your thoughts or feelings either.

I think feeling the way you do at the moment is a TOTALLY normal way to feel. I think everyone who has been cheated on/left because of feelings for another/left by a partner has felt that way - it would be unusual if you didn't.

Just think - the part of you that is mourning (and currently that is probably most of you) is mourning what you had before. Even if you get back together, it cannot be what you had before, you cannot erase what has happened. That is not to say that some couples do not successfully get over this - a few do - but it is incredibly difficult regaining trust and the "purity" of the relationship before it was "sullied" by the infidelity.

You may have moments when you're able to get your head functioning over your heart for a little bit - in those moments, remind yourself that feeling as you do is part of the process. It doesn't mean that you are meant to be together, even though it feels that way.
 
My relationship before my DH ended when he cheated. Actually, it was long distance and I learned I was the other woman. It was one of the most painful things I have ever gone through. After I found out, I contacted him once, months later, but only the one time. It took 3 months to not think about him all the time and 4 years to stop keeping tabs on him online to see if he was suffering. That was 3 years into my relationship with DH, that''s how much it hurt. But now I truely don''t care.

Personally, I made sims of him and the girl and killed them in multiple ways in the game, listened to angry music while working out until it hurt. Also a lot of teary calls to my best friend.

Every time you think of something good he did or you loved, think of something related you hated. Maybe he cuddled you as you fell asleep but he was really nasty when you pushed him when he snored. It sounds silly, but you are having too much pain thinking about what happened so you are focusing on other things. It is easier to think of little things to balance every time you think of a good thing without disparing.

All this is only what worked for me, but he did lose something precious. Always remember, living well is the best revenge. You will find the perfect guy and he will be out friends, a home and probably diseased.
 
Aw, I''m so so so so sorry to read this. You deserve so much better! It''s times like this we see who our true friends are, and it seems as though the "good" house mate is a wonderful friend. Why don''t you round her up, and maybe a few other girlfriends and go get a pedicure? Nothing helps relax you more than some girl time and someone else rubbing your feet : )
 
Date: 5/23/2010 3:20:27 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
All this is only what worked for me, but he did lose something precious. Always remember, living well is the best revenge. You will find the perfect guy and he will be out friends, a home and probably diseased.
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100% agree with this! Going through the process of getting over it, becoming happy again and living life well is the best revenge. Even if he doesn''t end up diseased ;)
 
Date: 5/22/2010 8:47:01 PM
Author: iota15
Parsley - If it helps, it doesn't matter whether he pines or begs for you to come back now, he should be out of your life and you know it.

I don't know if this applies to him but in your few posts, I'm starting to get Big Red Flashing Signs that says, 'Thank gawd wonderful Parsley got out of this one'. He seems callous, manipulative and unremorseful.

- He's lying to your roommates about 'feeling used';
- Saying nice or the 'right' things that you know full well are insincere;
- managing to stay at your place even though your ex-friend was run off by your roommates;
- little concern for the feelings of others;
- everyone's just a pawn in his game and he couldn't be bothered to deal with the girlfriend of years that he hurt because he doesn't feel like getting yelled at
- and it all seems to be about 'me, me, me'.

From my ol' undergraduate days, I think we termed these people sociopaths.

If you were only with him when it was good for him, and he has no need for you when you're an inconvenience, I think now is the time to get mad. You are absolutely worthy of everything good. You did nothing wrong. In fact, if I were in your position, I think I would have behaved much more poorly than you did.... and I would feel like I have Nothing to apologize for.

You definitely don't have to apologize for yelling or getting angry. He deserves every last bitter word. So hold you head up high. You have wonderfully supportive family and friends, and I think this says a lot of good things about you as well. Enjoy your time with them, and it wouldn't hurt to go for a long ride in your new car and just be in different surroundings for a while.
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Thank you. I wanted to use that term also, but I'm kinda new here and didn't know how it may be taken.

Parsley--DO NOT WEAKEN. he is bad news.
 
Parsley, you dodged a bullet. This guy sounds like bad news, and while you may have been emotionally entangled with him at least you can untangle yourself.

Remember...he''s a page, not the chapter. You now have permission to go on and find that great love...the one that lasts and is good on the last day as it was on the first.

He''s such a d-bag loser.
 
I''m so sorry to hear what happened Parsley. You seriously deserve better than that a$$hole!
 
This guy cheated on you. with your friend and roommate. more than once. and then treated you with disregard in the aftermath. Any moping he is doing is due to the fact that he got caught, not that he hurt you. He clearly has no value for you or your feelings outside of what pleasure you offer him. There is no other way to say this - if you resume a relationship with this guy, you are an idiot with no self esteem and poor taste in men. Do you want to be idiot with poor taste in men? NO! So don't talk to him ever again. Don't even offer to be his friend. Trust me: you don't need him or miss him; you are missing the relationship and the idea of him, not the actual d-bag who has shown so little regard for you.


EVERYONE, including you, deserves better than this. I know it will take time, but I hope you feel better sooner than later.
 
Date: 5/25/2010 11:09:44 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
This guy cheated on you. with your friend and roommate. more than once. and then treated you with disregard in the aftermath. Any moping he is doing is due to the fact that he got caught, not that he hurt you. He clearly has no value for you or your feelings outside of what pleasure you offer him. There is no other way to say this - if you resume a relationship with this guy, you are an idiot with no self esteem and poor taste in men. Do you want to be idiot with poor taste in men? NO! So don''t talk to him ever again. Don''t even offer to be his friend. Trust me: you don''t need him or miss him; you are missing the relationship and the idea of him, not the actual d-bag who has shown so little regard for you.



EVERYONE, including you, deserves better than this. I know it will take time, but I hope you feel better sooner than later.
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+1

His actions of cheating on you show that he does not care about you or your feelings. His response when you called him further shows that he does not care about you or your feelings. DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN AND, IF HE INITIATES CONTACT, DON''T RESPOND. He''s a big loser. You are not desperate and can do better.

Men are like buses . . . another one will come along. Keep busy by having fun with friends and family, watching funny movies, taking a course that interests you and getting involved in a new hobby or activity. Eventually, a better guy who is going in the same direction as you will come along.

Hugs.
 
Date: 5/21/2010 7:29:15 PM
Author: Kaleigh
If you get the urge to ring him again, post here instead...
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Totally agreed. Get a girlfriend that you can call, at anytime, and contact her instead. It is hard but it works.

Honestly? I think that all phones should come equipped with a feature that you can attach to a number that will prompt you before sending a text or calling. Something like "are you really sure you want to send this text or call his royal crap pants?". Might save us from ourselves at certain points. :)

I know that someone before posted that if you keep in contact with him it will only prolong your healing process. I have to agree with that, 10000%. I did the same thing when my ex cheated. I kept taking his calls, he would be very matter of fact but when he texted me it was all lovely and sentimental. When I finally had time to pull out of the situation and look back? I realized that he was just keeping me strung along because it validated him as a person. The kind of people that cheat are insecure for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with you. IMO, he is doing this for numerous reasons and thank goodness that you weren''t married and found this out 10 years down the road.

Girl, pick your shoulders up, toss your hair and rock on with your bad self. You are a beautiful, strong, independent woman who will only take this as a lesson learned and use it in the future to weed out other potential.....fill in the blank guys. :)

>>>>>
 
Parsley, just wanted to check and see how you were doing. I hope things are starting to look up for you a little more now...
 
Parsley- Hi! I just wanted to check in and see how things are? Hugs.
 
Hey, sorry I disappeared for a bit. Things aren''t good, I feel awful pretty much all the time. Today has been a particularly bad day.

Please bear with me for this, you have all been such amazing support and I don''t want you to think for one millisecond that I don''t appreciate each and every reply, because they have meant the world to me. I have taken everything you have said on board, believe me.

I miss him, and love him. As much as you have heard from me such bad things, it wasn''t always bad. Remember that a lot of the time people will talk about bad things and forget the good, and I definitely did that. I was reeling with shock, and raw pain, there wasn''t much good I could even think about him. But things weren''t all bad, and the good things outweighed the bad. He is NOT a bad person at heart, he is a person who has made a mistake. I haven''t forgiven and cannot forget the pain I feel. I spoke to him last week and he was sobbing down the phone. I know that sounds so cliched and whatever, but trust me, it was real. He doesn''t do crying, he is the kind of person that does not show fear, sadness, or worry, he''s a look on the bright side person. I heard him in a state that makes me cry to think about. I haven''t forgiven and forgotten, but I do know that he made a mistake, one that he hates himself for everyday.

I am going back to the house for a few days on Sunday. Partly to get my things, but mostly because I spent 3 happy years in that house and that city, and I do not want my last memory to be the one I have currently. I have friends in that house that I miss and that miss me. I am going down to relax and get my things and make a new memory. We will obviously talk and I know that I really need to see him face to face.

I am not going to be stupid, but I am also not going to do something for fear of what others will think. I hate what happened, but I am still very much in love with this person, and if after talking it seems like we could start again, I will do it. Not straight away, and after a lot of talking and very very slowly. If we can''t, I will know that we have been able to make the decision together, as any break up should be. I will then take myself off to get over him and hope that one day I can see him and not love him.

I really hope you all understand where I am coming from here, and I know you all mean the best by whatever you say. I am doing this now, fairly soon after, to ensure I know what direction I am heading in as soon as possible. I don''t want to find myself in 6 months time after thinking we could be together again, discovering that we can''t. I don''t want to throw away the happiest 3 years of my life and my best friend because everyone else thinks I should.

P
x
 
All I can say is.. just trust your heart and hopefully you can get your trust back if you decide to get back together.

3 years is not a short time. I know it''s hard to let go. I''ll support whatever decision you make.
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DUST!!!********************************
 
Pars, sometimes a fresh start is the best thing for a relationship. I wish you the best of luck!
 
If that''s what you want to do, who are we to stop you?
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I would recommend that you find a book about how to go about getting trust back and read 4 or 5 times before even thinking about it. What is he going to do to get it back? He''s the one who effed up, so he should absolutely have to make it up to you.
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I''d also urge you to just be alone (as in, not in a relationship) for a month or two at least. No contact. IMO, THEN you''ll know if you''re really missing HIM, or just missing a relationship, or missing the comfortableness of it.

Best of luck to you.
 
Date: 6/3/2010 4:42:38 PM
Author: sunnyd
If that''s what you want to do, who are we to stop you?
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I would recommend that you find a book about how to go about getting trust back and read 4 or 5 times before even thinking about it. What is he going to do to get it back? He''s the one who effed up, so he should absolutely have to make it up to you.
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I''d also urge you to just be alone (as in, not in a relationship) for a month or two at least. No contact. IMO, THEN you''ll know if you''re really missing HIM, or just missing a relationship, or missing the comfortableness of it.

Best of luck to you.
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Agreed.

I''m really worried for you, Parsley. Seeing somebody so soon can really mess with your head and make you think you can work things out when they just shouldn''t be. Of course we''ll be here for you no matter what, but please be careful. What sunny said was spot on - he screwed up, how''s he going to fix it? He needs a solid plan and some proof that he''s already changing on his own.
 
Hey,
I appreciate what you''re saying about not seeing him, but I don''t have any choice. I only have until the end of june to collect my things, and am away for the last week. I need to go back, and I want to be able to see my friends and make a new memory of the place before the chance has gone. I don''t want to hate the city or the house, or him.

Believe me, I have thought this through, a lot. If anything, being away from him is idealising him in my mind, seeing him will hurt, but I think I need to be brought back down to earth about stuff too.
 
hugs honey. I won''t say anything bad about him. Hopefully you two can figure out something that makes you both happy.
 
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