Ugh, that is so sad gwendolyn. I think that girl should leave if she ever wants to have kids. Otherwise, she''s going to run out of time if she spends the rest of her fertile years waiting on him. I would say in your friend''s case, it sounds like he''s ambivalent about her. I''m assuming the guy is in his 30s too. 7.25 years is MORE than enough time.
Thanks, NEL, it has been hard to watch because it''s gone on for so long. I''m not the sort of person to just sit back when people complain about their relationships, so whenever she complains about it, I remind her that she always has a choice. It may not be what she wants, but she always has some control over the situation.
I have told her this already, but she doesn''t hear anything but her own unsteady reassurances of "I''m sure he loves me, otherwise he''d break up with me, right?" "Not necessarily, he doesn''t want to be alone." "No, I''m sure he loves me."
I'm not saying this about you or your situation, but sometimes, the surprise isn't worth the worry and insecurity that goes along with it. Even if the timeline is a year long, it can be reassuring to someone (not always the woman) who is just looking to know it WILL happen. And "soon" doesn't cut it because that can be hours, days, months or years, depending.
I agree that talking about timelines sort of takes the romance/surprise element out of it. I was hoping my boyfriend would have proposed without me ever having to bring a timeline up. However, timeline doesn''t have to mean exact day it''s going to happen though...I would be happy with something general i.e. 2-5 months.
Laila: I generally post over on the preggo board, but this topic was too interesting to ignore. I skimmed through the responses so forgive me if I repeat anything that''s already been said.Date: 4/28/2008 8:06:10 PM
Author:Laila619
Hi ladies. I''m new here, and I''ve been reading for a while! I''m in pretty much the same boat as most of you...I''ve met a wonderful man who has yet to propose. We do not live together, and we''ve been together 14 months.
The thing is though, deep down I question why all of us who want to get engaged haven''t gotten engaged yet. I read the book He''s Just Not That Into You, and the author makes a LOT of sense. He says that when a man is into a woman, he marries her. PERIOD. That has been my experience as well, the men I know who were crazy in love with their girlfriends proposed, and most under 1.5 years. They didn''t need to be prodded along, or given talks, ultimatums, or deadlines. They happily proposed on their own, and were very eager to do it. They did not offer financial excuses as to why they weren''t ''ready'' or any of that hooey. Most men I''ve talked to (guy friends and male relatives) say that almost everything a guy says to delay engagement is an excuse, because when a man doesn''t want to lose his woman he gets engaged regardless of whether it''s the perfect time (and really is there even such a thing as the perfect time?) When a man doesn''t want to propose to his girl, he''ll cite numerous excuses we''ve probably all heard before: he''s too young, not financially stable, wants to get more established in his career, marriage is too scary of a step, he doesn''t believe in marriage, etc. So I''m wondering, can we conclude that these guys who are dragging their feet are secretly perhaps Just Not That Into us?
My friend''s husband proposed to her after just 5 months, and he was young and didn''t have much money. She never had to talk to him about engagement at all, he did it on his own. He couldn''t wait ONE second more to make her his wife. They have been happily married for going on 7 years now. Don''t we all deserve to have men who are eager and anxious to marry us? When a man cites excuses to his girlfriend as to why he isn''t ready, it seems to me that he''d have to feel very sure of himself in order to tell her those things, because he expects her to wait around forever for him. Perhaps we need to keep our men on their toes a bit more and subtly imply that we won''t be around forever if they don''t propose. But it seems that waiting around for 5, 6, even 7 years is NOT the answer. Nor does it make us happy!
It makes me sad to know that I want to get engaged to my boyfriend right now, but he obviously isn''t as eager. If he were, there''d be a ring on my finger, no excuses.Maybe we need to find men who are more eager to make us their fiancees. I don''t know. What do you think?
Holly, as always, I couldn''t have said it better myself so I''ll just DITTO you. I had a similar experience and while waiting a long time isn''t for everyone, you have to know your own situation and what''s real and what''s not, and what''s right for you and what''s not. If a guy is sending clear signals that he is never going to want to get married, but he loves you madly, you have to decide if that is enough for you. OTOH, if a guy is clearly not interested in "committing" to you, that''s quite a different story. Commitment can look different for different people, but it is that commitment that is at the essence of a loving, long term relationship. If the guy cant commit emotionally, then to me, that''s a deal breaker. But if he has solid, thoughtful reasons why he doesn''t want to marry - in the legal sense - that''s for each couple to figure out. No right or wrong way to do that.
The average girl does not follow the above paragraph. Thus the average male has to consider a lot more (i.e., cost of ring, cost of wedding, cost of house, cost of ensuing family) than just a marriage certificate when planning when to propose. At least from my perspective, I am considering that as soon as I present the ring, I had better be prepared to instantaneously begin wedding planning. If I am not financially able to begin that process, then I don't really think presenting a ring should be rushed to. Just my opinion.
The average girl does not follow the above paragraph. Thus the average male has to consider a lot more (i.e., cost of ring, cost of wedding, cost of house, cost of ensuing family) than just a marriage certificate when planning when to propose. At least from my perspective, I am considering that as soon as I present the ring, I had better be prepared to instantaneously begin wedding planning. If I am not financially able to begin that process, then I don''t really think presenting a ring should be rushed to. Just my opinion.
If I hadn''t looked back and seen your posts about Tiffany''s, I would''ve seriously wondered if my SO had wandered upon this forum! He could''ve written that. He seems to think the exact same way and I don''t really agree.
You are right! The average girl probably does not want to get married at the courthouse, live in a crappy apartment or forgo an expensive engagement ring. I think that these average girls need to wake up and take a look around - as I said before there is much more to marriage (and life) than money money money, diamonds and McMansions.
interesting question - I would have to say no to this one. I am admittedly somewhat stubborn, but if I thought it was a reasonable amount of time (which I consider to be 2 years of serious dating or less) without a proposal - and I felt as though I showed her I was committed and provided her assurance that the ring would come - then I wouldn''t be motivated to propose sooner based on threats
I actually agree with your 1st paragraph - I too wish that life wasn''t about expensive weddings and all that. But it seems that today, bachelor/bachelorette parties have gotten out of control (everyone goes on weekend trips or week long vacations to somewhere far away), and weddings are in the same boat.
For some reason, it''s not letting me edit this - but I would like to add the disclaimer that 5-7 years is not necessarily always "ridiculous" (as I wrote above). It all depends on each relationship and each individual situation. For instance, if I were in a 5 year relationship that started at age 20 or 21, I might not view it as a big deal that the proposal hadn''t happened yet. As we get older though, I think we can assess things quicker, and 5 years to someone who started dating at age 25 or 27 or 30 may seem like a bigger deal.
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