How would you react to lack of gifting?

[Amber St. Clare]

Mr. St. Clare I good at the small, thoughtful gifts--I never know when a CD or DVD or book or Victoria's Secret will arrive in the mail for me. He's shy about jewelry because I am extremely picky and he's been burned a few times. HOWEVER, he cannot express emotion and I think I've received {unsolicited} compliments about how I look 5 times in our whole 32 year relationship. He gets annoyed if I ask him if I look all right or if he loves me. It's just how he rolls.

 

[lyra]

It doesn't bother me to pick out my own gifts. There's the romantic idea that one would love to be surprised with some small treasure, but the reality is, most of us here really are too picky about jewelry. My husband has bought me things on his own. Sometimes hitting the mark, sometimes not, but I am happy either way. For us it's 31 years this year. I either just buy for myself, or tell him what I want. No pain on either side. As long as you communicate your needs with each other and have an agreement or understanding, that's great.

 

[Upgradable]

I want to thank everyone for replying. You all have pretty much hit the issues head on. We've got a great marriage, and over the years, this has been a situation of my own creation. In the scheme of things it is a very small issue. Hubby is a great guy, being supportive through good and tough times. I think I will get the Love Languages book and both use this to help our communication.

(And Zoe, I haven't gotten your message. Shoot me another, okay?)

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Uppy, I have also figured out that we have to train them to do what we want. Men generally do not get hints. They do need explicit instructions, and as someone else said, eventually they think it was their idea!

Early on my husband tried to surprise me with clothes (nightmare) or jewelry, and I had to tell him that while I appreciated it, no one on earth could pick either of those things for me. I think he got tired of me returning things! So for my birthday, Valentine's, and maybe Mother's Day, he will do a card and flowers and either cook for me or take me out to eat. I pick out jewelry and ask him if that can be my birthday or Christmas or anniversary gift. He always says yes and is pleased for me to get something I really love.

Do you have a daughter, by chance? Because I think a grown daughter could be an extreme help in being the helper/reminder to her Dad to at least get a card and maybe flowers (or other small things you like) for those various occasions. He just needs to be trained to do it and then it should become a habit.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Do you have a daughter, by chance? Because I think a grown daughter could be an extreme help in being the helper/reminder to her Dad to at least get a card and maybe flowers (or other small things you like) for those various occasions. He just needs to be trained to do it and then it should become a habit.

If I bought my wife flowers she would think that I did something guilty...

 

[packrat]

I posted again yesterday and managed to lose it somehow, so lemme think if I can remember what I said. B/c you know it was brilliant and earth shattering..

JD does things to show how much he loves me all year long (tho when I have to hound him to kill spiders for me, I do have to question the validity of that love), and I'm sure Mr. Uppy does things all year too. But sometimes it's nice to get something just b/c your spouse is thinking of you or wants to brighten your day. And sometimes it's nice to get something that's not a clock radio or a white shirt or a salad spinner or a set of laundry hampers, that isn't a necessity or that speaks to a need, but speaks more to the person.

JD doesn't buy me flowers. He knows I love flowers and plants and all things garden, but he also knows we have a kick ass yard and can sit outside and enjoy that all spring/summer, and not worry about the dang cats dragging the greenery all over tarnation and tipping the vase no matter how much crap I have bracing it. He knows I love frogs and last year bought me a huge ceramic one for the new garden, and the big crazy frog speaks to me as a person. If I mentioned we needed Miracle Gro or Preen and he brought me a gigantic thing of it for Mother's day...then yeah, he's in trouble.

I don't need rose petals strewn about or him standing outside the window w/a boombox raised above his head, just every now and again it's nice to be reminded we're a couple, not just two separate people.

 

[woofmama]

I posted again yesterday and managed to lose it somehow, so lemme think if I can remember what I said. B/c you know it was brilliant and earth shattering..

JD does things to show how much he loves me all year long (tho when I have to hound him to kill spiders for me, I do have to question the validity of that love), and I'm sure Mr. Uppy does things all year too. But sometimes it's nice to get something just b/c your spouse is thinking of you or wants to brighten your day. And sometimes it's nice to get something that's not a clock radio or a white shirt or a salad spinner or a set of laundry hampers, that isn't a necessity or that speaks to a need, but speaks more to the person.

JD doesn't buy me flowers. He knows I love flowers and plants and all things garden, but he also knows we have a kick a$$ yard and can sit outside and enjoy that all spring/summer, and not worry about the dang cats dragging the greenery all over tarnation and tipping the vase no matter how much crap I have bracing it. He knows I love frogs and last year bought me a huge ceramic one for the new garden, and the big crazy frog speaks to me as a person. If I mentioned we needed Miracle Gro or Preen and he brought me a gigantic thing of it for Mother's day...then yeah, he's in trouble.

I don't need rose petals strewn about or him standing outside the window w/a boombox raised above his head, just every now and again it's nice to be reminded we're a couple, not just two separate people.

Perfect packrat! My thoughts are exactly the same. Really nice that your DH buys you things that you love! Not necessarily expensive but fun private things that speak to you. It's awesome that he bought you a frog
My DH does this sometimes & it makes me happy.

 

[mohsin95]

I can totally get his practical lifestyle, and if everything else is great this definitely shouldn't be an issue, especially if you are getting the things you want through self gifting.

 

[erinl]

Uppy-- My 9th wedding anniversary is this week. I have similar problems with gifts for Christmas birthdays, anniversaries. In the early years of our marriage I would make huge hints and even tell him what I wanted for a present-- usually jewelry. He bought me some pieces early on, but I always disappointed and felt like he was stressed/put upon that he had spent the money, and I was not happy with what he picked out anyway-- in short, it was just no fun and i am not even happy wearing those pieces and rarely do. We are currently in a phase where money is tighter (small children, I am not working). I would not even try to get him to buy me a gift, as he is constantly talking about and stressing about money and I know his track record. Gifts are no fun and I never get what I want from him. Today we were in the mall and he suggested getting me a pair of ugg slippers for our anniversary to replace my old pair, and I said, no that's ok. Maybe it hurt his feelings and maybe i am being a spoiled brat, but I view slippers as something you just replace, not gift someone for a romantic occasion. Yes my slippers are old btw, like 7 years old.

Now I just tell him not to bother, if he wants to make me happy, give me some extra money--which doesnt happen anyway .
I see that beautiful ruby ring that you so carefully selected with an educated eye and set in the perfect setting-- i doubt any husband would have the skill to put that together and give that as a present. Do you wish he would give you something like that?

My husband does a lot of nice things for me but I cannot recall one moment in which he told me i looked pretty or beautiful. I would like an unsolicited present that wasn't sexually based (like lingerie, which would be for him, certainly not me) that indicated he felt that i was something special but I am not going to hold my breath.

And he is tight with his money for himself as well.

 

[erinl]

Oh, then I guess you wouldn't get to far with making it retroactive to your wedding which would make it $135K. I am very impractical. He sounds like he is very practical. There are benefits to that as well. Can you take comfort in the knowledge of all the ill chosen gifts you've been spared over the years?

The idea of receiving 5 g in gifts a year from my husband (for birthdays, valentines, christmas and anniversaries) blows my mind. As if!!! I had a good year for our first anniversary and he gave me a nice 2500 dollar present for our fifth anniversary/push present. But I havent seen more than 100-200 a year for all holidays combined since then!

 

[LaraOnline]

Now erinl! Please accept this virtual hug from me **(())**

You have small children, which are a ton of cute moments but lots of ongoing unglamorous work besides, and you have probably little stimulation of yourself and your own adult hobbies. It doesn't take a genius to work out just why the 'present situation' has come up for you!

I've been there with you - probably most of us have - but my memory is clearer because I am only just emerging from the worst of it (youngest age 4). Hah!
I don't blame you for not wanting the ugg slippers as your present, but I do think as a starting point they could be 'one of' your presents.
You have to accept your family's love and care for you as you find it and grow it from there lol.

So yes, uggs are comfy and loving and cuddly and nice - you'll have them, and a lovely dinner out with lots of expensive oysters (for example) and you may have to go to the hairdresser and you may have to get a nice dress for the occasion too.
Time to call some babysitting favours in!!

Mothers Day is a big deal for me. I don't expect a present, as none were ever forthcoming, but I have set an agenda through the years that we will be having a nice lunch together and I will be getting dressed up and looking fine with my family. I make my seven year old wear a proper suit jacket with his jeans. We take some photos. I may weep a bit.

I have saved literally tons of my own 'special occasions' that way, by planning itself myself and not wallowing in any mindgames.

 

[Meezermom]

My husband and I don't gift each other per se, because we purchase things throughout the year. We do give cards on birthdays, our anniversary and on Valentine's Day.

You've been married for 27 years, and if this is the only thing about your husband that makes you unhappy, remind yourself of all the good things about him (this is what I would do). I'll bet they far outweigh this, which is not a fight worth having - he is how he is.

 

[SB621]

I'm going to expan upon my orignal post as I was in a hurry so I don't think my fly bye posting made any sense. Here we go again.

I love the book The 5 Love Languages, like others have posted my DH shows his love in acts of love (doing the dishes all the time, cooking meals, taking out the garbage), that is how he shows me how much he cares for me. Where as my love language is gift giving. I love to give and receive gifts. After we both read the book I think we understood each other so much better so I highly recommend it.

However with all that said it really would bother me to have it aknowledged at all. I think an anniversary is such a big event regardless of the number. Like others said I do think you need to condition a man somewhat but really I think reading that book mentioned above would help him understand why it is important to you....besides just loving bling!

 

[monarch64]

That Love Languages stuff is spot on. I heard about it maybe 10 years ago and thought it was great. My language is acts of love, which my husband is fantastic at, and his is words of affirmation, which I'm pretty good at without trying too hard. He likes to give me gifts and I sure as heck like to receive them, but there is never any pressure and he ALWAYS says "if you don't like it, you can just return it!" I never return anything, though.

I think someone upthread mentioned "training" your husband. I understand that, but don't personally subscribe to it. I met my husband when he was a grown man of 35 and had we not meshed at that point in life I just would've moved on. People who meet young and marry soon after are still "trainable" in my opinion, but people in their late 20's on up are usually the people they are going to be for the rest of their lives. I'm sure there are exceptions, either way. My ex-husband was 7 years older and thought he was going to "train" me. I can laugh about it now, but wow...

If you really want to bring about change in your relationship, I think it's something you have to decide to work on together and something to which you both fully commit. Communicate your needs clearly, and when they are met, make a huge (sincere) deal out of it. Positive reinforcement. (Sounds like training...maybe I'm contradicting myself!) --Difference being that I think training implies one party is changing the other's, whereas working toward a common goal within a relationship is just that. Fulfilling each other's needs.

 

[momhappy]

I can totally get his practical lifestyle, and if everything else is great this definitely shouldn't be an issue, especially if you are getting the things you want through self gifting.

Just because you feel that it definitely shouldn't be an issue, doesn't mean that OP (or others) feel the same way. Clearly, it is an issue for OP (although, she admitted that its a rather small one in the grand scheme of things) and her feelings are justified IMO. I understand what you're saying, but I also get where OP is coming from too. Personally, I'd be a bit sad if my DH never gifted. Gifts are fun to receive and they are one way that someone can show care/love.

 

[appletini]

thought I'd chime in on this since DH and I are not gift givers for anniversary or birthdays, etc and share what works for us. For our anniversary we always take a trip and for birthdays we always go out for a nice dinner. It doesn't matter who plans the trip, the goal is for it to be a gift for the both of us and create memories together.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Uppy, what about telling him that it would mean a lot to you to have a gift for certain occasions, but that you know you are difficult to buy for, so you will keep a wishlist of things that you'd like to have and you can email him that list about a month before an occasion and he can pick whatever he wants from that list and surprise you. That way he doesn't have the stress of shopping for something that you might not like, and you get something you really want. That seems like a win-win to me.

I absolutely believe people can change for the better no matter how old they are! We just have to do a better job of making our expectations clear and be willing to do the same for the other person. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with expecting family members to develop good habits. The gift giver will eventually have pleasure from giving gifts that mean a lot to the person who received the gift!

 

[chrono]

Uppy,
I'm sorry that his lack of gifting is not sitting well with you. I'm okay with this (DH and I rarely gift each other anything because we are very picky with our hobbies) but I understand that it's not the case for you. With your DH being very practical, I think you have to be very specific and tell him exactly what you want. If you want X, be upfront and say you would like him to gift you with X for this special occasion. Don't hint or beat around the bush. I'm sorry to say that most men don't "get" hints.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I absolutely believe people can change for the better no matter how old they are! We just have to do a better job of making our expectations clear and be willing to do the same for the other person. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with expecting family members to develop good habits. The gift giver will eventually have pleasure from giving gifts that mean a lot to the person who received the gift!

I did but no reaction from my wife...

 

[partgypsy]

Yeah maybe this is something that many men are not very good with? This has been a sore point with my husband and I. I do enjoy thinking about, picking out, and giving gifts. I appreciate receiving gifts.
He is a good guy. Other than going out for drinks he does not spend on himself. He has let gift cards expire. He will say he will pick out something for with his birthday money and years will go by before he picks it out. Other than the occasional CD or book for his brother he doesn't do gifts for anyone else either (I have to do all the gift purchasing for his side of the family, and for our kids). I appreciate that he does not "waste" our money.

But, I feel that it shows lack of paying attention or caring about things that I would like or are important to me.
But I also realize, at this point we have been together this long, it is not likely to change.
(He also used the line when he didn't get me anything for mother's day, that it was for HIS mother, not the mother of his children. Yet I was the one who picked out her card and got him to sign it, not him!).
I think I would be OK with it, if he did other romantic things, like writing me notes or going out on dates. But he doesn't do those things either.

I think if it was an isolated thing, it would not bother me. But if you think it is a sign that he is taking you or your relationship for granted, then I would work on that, not so much the gift giving aspect.
(partgypsy, who got a drugstore alarm clock for Xmas this year)

 

[arkieb1]

I want to thank everyone for replying. You all have pretty much hit the issues head on. We've got a great marriage, and over the years, this has been a situation of my own creation. In the scheme of things it is a very small issue. Hubby is a great guy, being supportive through good and tough times. I think I will get the Love Languages book and both use this to help our communication.

(And Zoe, I haven't gotten your message. Shoot me another, okay?)

I am another that will rave about the love languages book and you can both do the test online. In a nutshell gifting or gift receiving might be something that is important to you but not at all to him while other things might be really important to him, if nothing else it might help both of you see what types of areas you both value and need most in your relationship and which ones need working on.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

 

[luv2sparkle]

Uppy, could it be that what you really want is to feel more important and valued than his frugal ways. That he would set aside his normal just to make you feel special?

We did the 5 love languages thing and read the book and I could never come up with just one that completely fit. There was a little bit of all of them in both of us.

 

[Upgradable]

Hubby and I had a nice talk a couple of weeks ago. I told him there were four days of the year I wanted recognition: birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and Mother's Day.

He didn't disappoint this weekend. He and the kids surprised me on Saturday with breakfast out on the new patio set I had been eyeing! We also did a lot of landscaping, so pretty flowers everywhere I look.

 

[dk168]

My ex was generous in other ways, however, he was not keen on gifting.

I bought myself what I wanted as I got fed up waiting.

We did not stay together for a number of reasons, lacking of gifting was not one of them.

DK

 

[TooPatient]

Hubby and I had a nice talk a couple of weeks ago. I told him there were four days of the year I wanted recognition: birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and Mother's Day.

He didn't disappoint this weekend. He and the kids surprised me on Saturday with breakfast out on the new patio set I had been eyeing! We also did a lot of landscaping, so pretty flowers everywhere I look.

Yay

Glad you were able to talk and he is actually following through on something that means so much to you

 

[kenny]

I am very happily married, 27 years today, to a terrific man. I was 25 when wed and I knew this would go the distance. With that type of personal assurance, I knew there were some things that I was accepting as not ideal, but worth the getting the rest of the package. Part of this is the total lack of gifting my husband sees as acceptable.

He has never bought "gifts" for me. There, with few exceptions, are no flowers or cards or "just thought of you" gifts. Christmas brings the obligatory gift that I have picked out and circled for him to buy. Usually pajamas. He has never saved up and surprised me for an occasion. Today was anniversary. No card. No gift. We did go to brunch together and then did a little furniture window shopping. But there was no gifting.

How would this make you feel? I really wish he would make an effort, but when he doesn't I'm not surprised. I know that this would be horribly hurtful for many. Should I feel worse about it. I just feel mild annoyance and moderate disappointment. He says he knows he should do something for me, he just never does.

You can't change people, especially SOs.
Accept him or divorce him.

 

[Polished]

You can't change people, especially SOs.
Accept him or divorce him.

You can change people Kenny just not in the way you would want to.

I'm so pleased at the outcome for you Uppy, It sounds like all your husband needed was some clear direction with this.

 

[packrat]

I'm so glad Uppy!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Hubby and I had a nice talk a couple of weeks ago. I told him there were four days of the year I wanted recognition: birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and Mother's Day.

He didn't disappoint this weekend. He and the kids surprised me on Saturday with breakfast out on the new patio set I had been eyeing! We also did a lot of landscaping, so pretty flowers everywhere I look.

Yay!!! Proof that people CAN change and please the other when communication is good and the relationship is good!

 

[LLJsmom]

Hubby and I had a nice talk a couple of weeks ago. I told him there were four days of the year I wanted recognition: birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and Mother's Day.

He didn't disappoint this weekend. He and the kids surprised me on Saturday with breakfast out on the new patio set I had been eyeing! We also did a lot of landscaping, so pretty flowers everywhere I look.

That is lovely! I am so happy for you.