Nomsdeplume
Brilliant_Rock
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I have a daaayyyyyte... I have a daaayyyyyte
- Thread starter Erin
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Ok. Well, without getting into details, I am just curious about this before I throw out any more unsolicited advice here. Regarding compatibility: is it that he wants to do things you''re not cool with? Or is it that you just have totally different styles? Is he the vanilla to your 31 flavors? For me, the first one would be a dealbreaker. The rest I could work with.
Disclaimer: sorry if anyone gets offended by my post(s)here. Trying to word things in a less graphic manner.
luckynumber
Brilliant_Rock
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i''m with monarch here.
if he is into some stuff you are NEVER going to be into, then this is game over. Coz he''s gonna find another go-to gal somewhere, someday.
if he''s just clueless, and open to some gentle persuasion, he can be taught (by you!)
that said, some people are just no good at it. Period.
i''ve seen too many relationships break up because of this kinda incompatibility, and it''s embarrassment all around.
if
is not something you care much about, then it''s not such an issue.
i hope you make the right call.
(add me to monarch''s disclaimer
)
if he is into some stuff you are NEVER going to be into, then this is game over. Coz he''s gonna find another go-to gal somewhere, someday.
if he''s just clueless, and open to some gentle persuasion, he can be taught (by you!)
that said, some people are just no good at it. Period.
i''ve seen too many relationships break up because of this kinda incompatibility, and it''s embarrassment all around.
if
i hope you make the right call.
(add me to monarch''s disclaimer
ms.halo
Shiny_Rock
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Date: 4/22/2010 3:34:07 PM
Author: luckynumber
i''m with monarch here.
if he is into some stuff you are NEVER going to be into, then this is game over. Coz he''s gonna find another go-to gal somewhere, someday.
if he''s just clueless, and open to some gentle persuasion, he can be taught (by you!)
that said, some people are just no good at it. Period.
i''ve seen too many relationships break up because of this kinda incompatibility, and it''s embarrassment all around.
ifis not something you care much about, then it''s not such an issue.
i hope you make the right call.
(add me to monarch''s disclaimer)
Yup, it can be a really tough issue to face, and very upsetting as well. The thing is, being able to communicate about it really openly and without shame is so important. If you haven''t been together long enough to have that ability to share and trust each other wholeheartedly the issue can be harder to resolve, I think.
If it''s not a case of him making unreasonable requests, I really think you can work it out and move forward. He really has shown that he cares about pleasing you and making you happy Starset, and I am willing to bet that includes pleasing you in every sense.
Erin
Ideal_Rock
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Yes this is what it''s about. How do I say this without totally sharing way too much and especially about someone else? Hmmmm....
For one our styles are different. Way different. I like mine like a warm and lazy summer''s afternoon spent on a hammock.
I have an athletic build with muscles and he is just slender so I don''t feel all that dainty.
His facial expressions do not encourage me. I know that''s not nice to say, but it''s true.
We tried it a few times and these things were consistent.
He is the adventurous one and that''s not a bad thing.
Much of it is very enjoyable.
For one our styles are different. Way different. I like mine like a warm and lazy summer''s afternoon spent on a hammock.
I have an athletic build with muscles and he is just slender so I don''t feel all that dainty.
His facial expressions do not encourage me. I know that''s not nice to say, but it''s true.
We tried it a few times and these things were consistent.
He is the adventurous one and that''s not a bad thing.
Much of it is very enjoyable.
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Change venues.
Next time you "get together" try to create the environment you describe (warm/lazy/afternoon/hammock).
Facial expressions--yeah, this is a tough one. This is where length of relationship/comfort levels/laughter come in. In time I think if you do not let this completely deter you, you will be able to laugh about it together. Everyone has silly things they do that can be turnoffs that they are totally unaware of. Well, I think we women are hyper aware of things and that''s our problem, while men are totally unaware and yeah...I feel you on this one.
Dainty vs. not so dainty feeling--this is mental for you. Wear pink/lace/heels and buy satin sheets. I''m a tall semi-athletic gal myself and SO is well, not a bodybuilder. It was kind of off-putting at first, I will admit. With time came acceptance though, and with acceptance came better everything.
Next time you "get together" try to create the environment you describe (warm/lazy/afternoon/hammock).
Facial expressions--yeah, this is a tough one. This is where length of relationship/comfort levels/laughter come in. In time I think if you do not let this completely deter you, you will be able to laugh about it together. Everyone has silly things they do that can be turnoffs that they are totally unaware of. Well, I think we women are hyper aware of things and that''s our problem, while men are totally unaware and yeah...I feel you on this one.
Dainty vs. not so dainty feeling--this is mental for you. Wear pink/lace/heels and buy satin sheets. I''m a tall semi-athletic gal myself and SO is well, not a bodybuilder. It was kind of off-putting at first, I will admit. With time came acceptance though, and with acceptance came better everything.
luckynumber
Brilliant_Rock
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hmm, it''s a toughie.
i''ve found that a guy''s facial expressions can be a real turn on or turn off. there''s little you can do to change someone''s expression in the throes of passion (apart from turning the lights off!)
also, either a guy has the kind of body that turns you on, or he doesn''t ie if you like slender, than the muscly hunk is just not gonna do it for you, and vice versa. i''m not talking about a slight beer belly or a hairy back, but the overall body type.
style you can do something about.
i don''t think you should settle for less than hot
because, with time, things will become more mundane and routine, so a man that turns you on with his overall physique and style beomes more important, rather than less.
this would be a deal breaker for me, but is it for YOU?
i''ve found that a guy''s facial expressions can be a real turn on or turn off. there''s little you can do to change someone''s expression in the throes of passion (apart from turning the lights off!)
also, either a guy has the kind of body that turns you on, or he doesn''t ie if you like slender, than the muscly hunk is just not gonna do it for you, and vice versa. i''m not talking about a slight beer belly or a hairy back, but the overall body type.
style you can do something about.
i don''t think you should settle for less than hot
this would be a deal breaker for me, but is it for YOU?
monkeyprincess
Ideal_Rock
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oh no, I''m sorry. I had a very short-lived romance with THE guy of any girl''s dreams. But yeah, after two months I just couldn''t do it anymore. The noises and facial expressions literally repulsed me. (sorry, they did....)
don''t beat yourself up over whatever choice you make. Life is WAY too short to settle. *hug*
don''t beat yourself up over whatever choice you make. Life is WAY too short to settle. *hug*
lilyfoot
Brilliant_Rock
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oh gosh, I don''t even know what to say.
This sounds like the guy I dated (read: rebound) after my last serious ex. There was really nothing "wrong" with him, per se, but there was just something off, especially in the bedroom (30-second romp, anyone?
).
I really don''t know what advice to give you, I feel like you''re the only one who can really know what''s the right thing in this situation .. Just please don''t get stuck in a relationship you don''t truly want to be in.
This sounds like the guy I dated (read: rebound) after my last serious ex. There was really nothing "wrong" with him, per se, but there was just something off, especially in the bedroom (30-second romp, anyone?
I really don''t know what advice to give you, I feel like you''re the only one who can really know what''s the right thing in this situation .. Just please don''t get stuck in a relationship you don''t truly want to be in.
blacksand
Brilliant_Rock
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If it seems to good to be true....
It''s hard to say without being in your situation, but for me, just reading your posts, it did seem like he was just too perfect, and I have to admit, as I was reading, I was thinking oh, it''s going to be difficult when she finally finds out this guy is flawed. I''m sorry if that sounds harsh; I certainly don''t mean it to be. What I mean to say is that there are two possibilities: 1) You were so completely smitten with this guy that discovering even a small flaw in him is enough to set you off balance or 2) This really is a serious, deal-breaking flaw. The good news is, if it''s no. 1, there is definitely still hope, and things can and will get better once you become more comfortable with each other. The first time my boyfriend and I slept together was...I will not lie to you...horrible. It was just not right, and we could not make it work. I remember getting all upset, crying, thinking this guy who was so perfect in every other way just was not right for me, and it would never work. I thought we would have to break up. Massive overreaction on my part. As it turns out, we were both just nervous and not communicating. We opened up, talked about what we liked and did not like, listened, tried different things, and I will tell you, the second time, and every time after that, was unbelievable. Sorry if that''s TMI. But it is wonderful now. Could it be that you''ve just built this guy up in your mind so much that this one imperfection is a huge letdown? Or is it really just something that is never going to work? Only you can figure that out, of course. I''m sorry it''s such a tough decision: you don''t want to let go of a good thing too easily, but you don''t want to get stuck with anything less than you deserve.
It''s hard to say without being in your situation, but for me, just reading your posts, it did seem like he was just too perfect, and I have to admit, as I was reading, I was thinking oh, it''s going to be difficult when she finally finds out this guy is flawed. I''m sorry if that sounds harsh; I certainly don''t mean it to be. What I mean to say is that there are two possibilities: 1) You were so completely smitten with this guy that discovering even a small flaw in him is enough to set you off balance or 2) This really is a serious, deal-breaking flaw. The good news is, if it''s no. 1, there is definitely still hope, and things can and will get better once you become more comfortable with each other. The first time my boyfriend and I slept together was...I will not lie to you...horrible. It was just not right, and we could not make it work. I remember getting all upset, crying, thinking this guy who was so perfect in every other way just was not right for me, and it would never work. I thought we would have to break up. Massive overreaction on my part. As it turns out, we were both just nervous and not communicating. We opened up, talked about what we liked and did not like, listened, tried different things, and I will tell you, the second time, and every time after that, was unbelievable. Sorry if that''s TMI. But it is wonderful now. Could it be that you''ve just built this guy up in your mind so much that this one imperfection is a huge letdown? Or is it really just something that is never going to work? Only you can figure that out, of course. I''m sorry it''s such a tough decision: you don''t want to let go of a good thing too easily, but you don''t want to get stuck with anything less than you deserve.
Clairitek
Ideal_Rock
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Starset- I just wanted to chime in and say you''re not alone in the "not feeling dainty" area. I am 2" taller than my DH and currently we weigh the same (I''m at my high end, he is at his low end). I definitely have days where I feel like a mammoth beast but he does his best to make me feel sexy and desired and feminine. I agree with Monarh that perhaps some lacy little bits and stuff like that might help?
Hudson_Hawk
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Re: facial expressions, could you just close your eyes? It might help you get into it a little better.
Sex is almost always pretty awkward at first, at least in my experience it is (especially when I really like someone). This will sound scandalous, but for some reason the only times it's been immediately mind blowing and not awkward involved one night stands, probably because I didn't care for the person and was just about my own sexual satisfaction.
Obviously the facial expressions he can't help and he'd probably be really self conscious about them if you brought them up. But I think over time once you really get to know him and are bump in front of him comfortable, then the facial expressions won't matter. For example, the first time DH and I messed around I discovered he had two hairy patches on his back-very oddly placed at that. Anyway, I was definitely not turned on by them, actually pretty turned off. But that was just one part of the entire equation and over time I became indifferent. Yes they're there but it's just a small physical imperfection that has NOTHING to do with my overall satisfaction, so I got past it.
As for feeling not so dainty-ugh, story of my life. But really, it doesn't matter how YOU see yourself what matters is how does he see you? Try and think of yourself through his eyes, you're amazing, gorgeous, sexy, just the right size and shape and HE WANTS YOU!
ETA: just want to add, if you're "not compatible" in terms of proportion, as in his wee man is well, wee, then that's something you might not be able to get past even with talent in other areas...
Sex is almost always pretty awkward at first, at least in my experience it is (especially when I really like someone). This will sound scandalous, but for some reason the only times it's been immediately mind blowing and not awkward involved one night stands, probably because I didn't care for the person and was just about my own sexual satisfaction.
Obviously the facial expressions he can't help and he'd probably be really self conscious about them if you brought them up. But I think over time once you really get to know him and are bump in front of him comfortable, then the facial expressions won't matter. For example, the first time DH and I messed around I discovered he had two hairy patches on his back-very oddly placed at that. Anyway, I was definitely not turned on by them, actually pretty turned off. But that was just one part of the entire equation and over time I became indifferent. Yes they're there but it's just a small physical imperfection that has NOTHING to do with my overall satisfaction, so I got past it.
As for feeling not so dainty-ugh, story of my life. But really, it doesn't matter how YOU see yourself what matters is how does he see you? Try and think of yourself through his eyes, you're amazing, gorgeous, sexy, just the right size and shape and HE WANTS YOU!
ETA: just want to add, if you're "not compatible" in terms of proportion, as in his wee man is well, wee, then that's something you might not be able to get past even with talent in other areas...
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Oh SP. I feel you on the dainty thing. I have a rule, I won''t date anyone whose thighs are smaller than mine. I totally get you on the dainty thing. I am 5''9", not short in anyone’s book. I can''t date anyone that is shorter or smaller than me, I like to feel small in someone’s arms. I have TRIED to get past it but for some reason it is this nagging inner voice that won''t let up. I dated a guy who was really thin, i.e. marathon runner and maybe like 5''10". I am sure on a ''fat'' day he weighed 180. I just couldn''t get past it. Mental block, whatever it was, no matter HOW HARD I tried, it wouldn''t let up.
Bottom line, you KNOW in your heart what you want and don''t want. The hardest part sometimes is learning how to TRULY HEAR what it is telling you. Maybe this coming up break will help you step back and re-examine. Hugs, doll.
Erin
Ideal_Rock
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Just giving a shout out to all my tall sisters who know what it means to be able to compare yourself physically to your male counterparts. I''m gonna try to show him through example that sex is not a competition. You don''t win points for repitition or speed. Especially since this is when the weird face emerges
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LOL, I snorted I laughed so hard at this.Date: 4/23/2010 11:43:52 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Just giving a shout out to all my tall sisters who know what it means to be able to compare yourself physically to your male counterparts. I''m gonna try to show him through example that sex is not a competition. You don''t win points for repitition or speed. Especially since this is when the weird face emerges
lilyfoot
Brilliant_Rock
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Even though my FI is tall (6''3, I''m 5''7), he''s extremely slim, and well, I''m not exactly that slimDate: 4/23/2010 11:43:52 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Just giving a shout out to all my tall sisters who know what it means to be able to compare yourself physically to your male counterparts. I''m gonna try to show him through example that sex is not a competition. You don''t win points for repitition or speed. Especially since this is when the weird face emerges
Good luck with the other stuff, though ..
plantationcatt
Shiny_Rock
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TMI ALERT. Chiming in way late to say that my DH and I, after 8 and a half years together and 3 years of sex (we waited to get married), we''re still not compatible 100% in bed 100% of the time. We know what works for the other one, and are very communicative about likes/dislikes, but I get you on the "repetition and speed." That can be re-taught, as he (like many men) think that when they find something that feels good, that doing it faster and longer will make it feel amazing. So not true for most women. My husband still forgets this sometimes. I think several of the things I wish were different in bed are my fault for not bringing them up ealier. (note to self, go home this weekend and work on this) Kudos to you for wanting to work it out.
Bottom line: If you work it out, awesome. If you don''t, there''s a reason. Best of luck, he sounds wonderful otherwise.
Bottom line: If you work it out, awesome. If you don''t, there''s a reason. Best of luck, he sounds wonderful otherwise.
luckystar112
Ideal_Rock
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This is the funniest thing that I have read all day! hahahaDate: 4/23/2010 11:43:52 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Just giving a shout out to all my tall sisters who know what it means to be able to compare yourself physically to your male counterparts. I'm gonna try to show him through example that sex is not a competition. You don't win points for repitition or speed. Especially since this is when the weird face emerges
DH did this when we first got together. Once we got really comfortable with each other we were able to have a light-hearted conversation about it. I told him that he wasn't a sewing maching and that I prefer a hand stitch.
Erin
Ideal_Rock
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Thank you for the reciprocation!Date: 4/23/2010 1:55:22 PM
Author: luckystar112
This is the funniest thing that I have read all day! hahahaDate: 4/23/2010 11:43:52 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Just giving a shout out to all my tall sisters who know what it means to be able to compare yourself physically to your male counterparts. I''m gonna try to show him through example that sex is not a competition. You don''t win points for repitition or speed. Especially since this is when the weird face emerges
DH did this when we first got together. Once we got really comfortable with each other we were able to have a light-hearted conversation about it. I told him that he wasn''t a sewing maching and that I prefer a hand stitch.I also made fun of his ''concentration'' face. hahahaha. He of course made fun of me too. We actually imitated each other and were practically rolling on the floor laughing. Anyway, it worked--we are much more compatible now.
luckynumber
Brilliant_Rock
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Miss Sparkly
Brilliant_Rock
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LOL! That''s why cowgirl is the bestDate: 4/23/2010 11:43:52 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Just giving a shout out to all my tall sisters who know what it means to be able to compare yourself physically to your male counterparts. I''m gonna try to show him through example that sex is not a competition. You don''t win points for repitition or speed. Especially since this is when the weird face emerges
Dreamer_D
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Sorry to butt in, but I stumbled on this thread and wanted to add something for you Starset... DH and I did not start out a balzing when we got together. It was ok, but totally not fireworks. But he was eager and willing to learn, once I got over my "But he should know!" feelings and actually gave him some guidance. It''s been 5 years and now it is awesome!
As for faces, I have found the candle light and closed eyes helps at times
As for faces, I have found the candle light and closed eyes helps at times
Iowa Lizzy
Brilliant_Rock
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lightningbug
Shiny_Rock
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Date: 4/23/2010 1:59:25 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Date: 4/23/2010 1:55:22 PM
Author: luckystar112
Date: 4/23/2010 11:43:52 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Just giving a shout out to all my tall sisters who know what it means to be able to compare yourself physically to your male counterparts. I''m gonna try to show him through example that sex is not a competition. You don''t win points for repitition or speed. Especially since this is when the weird face emerges
This is the funniest thing that I have read all day! hahaha
DH did this when we first got together. Once we got really comfortable with each other we were able to have a light-hearted conversation about it. I told him that he wasn''t a sewing maching and that I prefer a hand stitch.I also made fun of his ''concentration'' face. hahahaha. He of course made fun of me too. We actually imitated each other and were practically rolling on the floor laughing. Anyway, it worked--we are much more compatible now.
I just laughed so hard I almost spit iced coffee all over my keyboard.
susimoo
Brilliant_Rock
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I have to agree with LB, I nearly choked I laughed so hard at the last part of this thread! I have debated for nearly 24 hours as to whether to reply or indeed what I am going to reply with! lol
Firstly, hello!
I am not a LIW, I have been with my DH for 16 years married for 13. I regularly come over here because I love to feel the excitement of this time in your life. It really cannot be replicated. It is unique in its importance and the heightened sense of "forever," is intoxicating!
I have followed this thread with interest because you seemed to really deserve a good guy! You sound like a fab girl who really has been dealt a crappy hand as far as guys go so far. I had really hoped your new man was going to be the full stop to all that. For what it is worth I still think he may still be.
What you have just shared with us is not that unusual. I am so proud of all the other posters who have very bravely put that out there that they too have experienced this! I wanted to add my support to that argument. I met my wonderful DH, I was inexperienced whereas he was the complete opposite! This in itself made me feel that I could not live up to previous partners. With time and LOTS of practice, the attraction that brought us together in the first place also eventually followed us into the bedroom. I relaxed, he relaxed, we found common ground and we worked at it. Anything that is worth something, has a price. In our case the price was taking time to talk, to discover and to follow our instincts. This area of a relationship, for me anyway, is a crucial and a binding one. That doesn't mean it has to be right, from the getgo. It must ALWAYS be work in progress. This is the thing that differentiates this relationship from all other (IMHO) so it is fundamental and CAN be a deal breaker. Only you can decide. You have to work out if you can change the current status quo or if you do not want to and want out.
Either way you will still find us here willing to listen and support. No judgements, just honest and good advice. I wish you only the best, you deserve to be loved the way you desire, in every aspect of a relationship.
Sending you hugs by the bucket load!
Firstly, hello!
I am not a LIW, I have been with my DH for 16 years married for 13. I regularly come over here because I love to feel the excitement of this time in your life. It really cannot be replicated. It is unique in its importance and the heightened sense of "forever," is intoxicating!
I have followed this thread with interest because you seemed to really deserve a good guy! You sound like a fab girl who really has been dealt a crappy hand as far as guys go so far. I had really hoped your new man was going to be the full stop to all that. For what it is worth I still think he may still be.
What you have just shared with us is not that unusual. I am so proud of all the other posters who have very bravely put that out there that they too have experienced this! I wanted to add my support to that argument. I met my wonderful DH, I was inexperienced whereas he was the complete opposite! This in itself made me feel that I could not live up to previous partners. With time and LOTS of practice, the attraction that brought us together in the first place also eventually followed us into the bedroom. I relaxed, he relaxed, we found common ground and we worked at it. Anything that is worth something, has a price. In our case the price was taking time to talk, to discover and to follow our instincts. This area of a relationship, for me anyway, is a crucial and a binding one. That doesn't mean it has to be right, from the getgo. It must ALWAYS be work in progress. This is the thing that differentiates this relationship from all other (IMHO) so it is fundamental and CAN be a deal breaker. Only you can decide. You have to work out if you can change the current status quo or if you do not want to and want out.
Either way you will still find us here willing to listen and support. No judgements, just honest and good advice. I wish you only the best, you deserve to be loved the way you desire, in every aspect of a relationship.
Sending you hugs by the bucket load!
luckynumber
Brilliant_Rock
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galeteia
Brilliant_Rock
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Indylady
Ideal_Rock
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Date: 4/23/2010 1:59:25 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Date: 4/23/2010 1:55:22 PM
Author: luckystar112
Date: 4/23/2010 11:43:52 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Just giving a shout out to all my tall sisters who know what it means to be able to compare yourself physically to your male counterparts. I''m gonna try to show him through example that sex is not a competition. You don''t win points for repitition or speed. Especially since this is when the weird face emerges
This is the funniest thing that I have read all day! hahaha
DH did this when we first got together. Once we got really comfortable with each other we were able to have a light-hearted conversation about it. I told him that he wasn''t a sewing maching and that I prefer a hand stitch.I also made fun of his ''concentration'' face. hahahaha. He of course made fun of me too. We actually imitated each other and were practically rolling on the floor laughing. Anyway, it worked--we are much more compatible now.
Thank you for the reciprocation!
Tehehe! This thread is hilarious.
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