I have a daaayyyyyte... I have a daaayyyyyte

[Strawdermangrl]

Date: 4/27/2010 10:08:08 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 4/27/2010 9:54:18 AM
Author: Strawdermangrl

OMG. Wow. SP, I don''t even know what to say. On one hand, it is flattering that you mean that much to him and he would take the time to make the trip and to talk to you.ON the other, more rational hand, that would kind of FREAK me out!!! You have tried to end it and he seems like ''No'' really isn''t a part of his vocab. Hmmm...

I second your view, for the sake of both of your feelings/sanity you would need to be a little more ''firm''. As in, ''We have had a lot of fun together and you are a GREAT guy but just NOT the one for me''. <-- Then emphasis the PERIOD.

L

Hugs, Doll. I feel for you and I wish that this had played out as we had thought from the take-off but with all seriousness, that only means that when it is 100% right, it will be like this but 2,000 times better.

I''m cheering you on from Texas girl, go to Chicago and spread those beautiful wings!!!!

XOXOXO!

HELLO CREEPY STALKER!!!

Hahaha. I was trying to say from both sides. Still doesn''t negate the FREAK FLAG but....

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Oh I know Renee, I was just reiterating that part of your post.

 

[decodelighted]

I have a lot of opinions on the Freak of the Week sleepover ... but, am curious, why didn''t you break up with him *in person* to begin with. Is it because you sensed he wouldn''t take it well? You''d have been right, ya know.

At the part where he wanted to drive I was SCREAMING in my head "DON''T GO TO THE 2nd LOCATION!!!!!" I really hope this doesn''t end like mine did. Five years of stalking.

 

[treefrog]

Date: 4/27/2010 10:03:22 AM
Author: Starset Princess

I can appreciate that he didn''t see this coming. He''s not inside my brain. But I was pretty darn clear in my messages earlier. I didn''t leave it open ended. His response was to drive down and surprise me? That doesn''t even make sense.

He actually had me second guessing the same thing. I didn''t give this new get-to-know-you stage a fair shot. I actually considered thinking about things a little longer but I didn''t dare say it to him. Because I couldn''t get over his freaky suprise visit!

I wasn''t denying the clarity, I just meant that in general, it caught him off guard. All further actions from him just made him look worse and worse.... a lot worse.

To put you in an akward position like that is inexcusable. I really can''t imagine what your night was like. There shouldn''t be any lines for him to read between now and I hope he now fully gets the message and leaves you alone!

Treefrog

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 4/27/2010 10:49:46 AM
Author: decodelighted
I have a lot of opinions on the Freak of the Week sleepover ... but, am curious, why didn''t you break up with him *in person* to begin with. Is it because you sensed he wouldn''t take it well? You''d have been right, ya know.

At the part where he wanted to drive I was SCREAMING in my head ''DON''T GO TO THE 2nd LOCATION!!!!!'' I really hope this doesn''t end like mine did. Five years of stalking.

I think it was pretty immature to break up with someone by e-mal-text. I totally understand why he would want to talk with you in person. The drinking and sleeping over was OTT.

 

[Erin]

Date: 4/27/2010 10:49:46 AM
Author: decodelighted
why didn''t you break up with him *in person* to begin with. Is it because you sensed he wouldn''t take it well?

Because on Sunday we walked around Naperville and still had to drive a considerable distance to get back to his house before I could get in my own car and drive 225 miles home. I didn''t want to start a long drawn out conversation at 5pm so I waited until traffic got boring and called him up. And yes, I had a feeling he wouldn''t take it well because he didn''t seem to be picking up on my coolness. I might not have even gone up there last weekend but he was going to be gone for the next two weeks and he seemed to be taking it hard that we were going to be apart for three weeks. Plus, this past weekend solidified my apprehension.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:00:42 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2010 10:49:46 AM
Author: decodelighted
I have a lot of opinions on the Freak of the Week sleepover ... but, am curious, why didn''t you break up with him *in person* to begin with. Is it because you sensed he wouldn''t take it well? You''d have been right, ya know.

At the part where he wanted to drive I was SCREAMING in my head ''DON''T GO TO THE 2nd LOCATION!!!!!'' I really hope this doesn''t end like mine did. Five years of stalking.

I think it was pretty immature to break up with someone by e-mal-text. I totally understand why he would want to talk with you in person. The drinking and sleeping over was OTT.

Gaby, normally I would agree with you regarding the phone/email breakup, BUT they do live 225 miles apart. And in this case, I think Starset just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible so they can both move on...why wait to see him again and one of them drive 200 miles just so she can tell him face-to-face that she thinks he''s a weirdo? LOL

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:08:28 AM
Author: monarch64

Date: 4/27/2010 11:00:42 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2010 10:49:46 AM
Author: decodelighted
I have a lot of opinions on the Freak of the Week sleepover ... but, am curious, why didn''t you break up with him *in person* to begin with. Is it because you sensed he wouldn''t take it well? You''d have been right, ya know.

At the part where he wanted to drive I was SCREAMING in my head ''DON''T GO TO THE 2nd LOCATION!!!!!'' I really hope this doesn''t end like mine did. Five years of stalking.

I think it was pretty immature to break up with someone by e-mal-text. I totally understand why he would want to talk with you in person. The drinking and sleeping over was OTT.

Gaby, normally I would agree with you regarding the phone/email breakup, BUT they do live 225 miles apart. And in this case, I think Starset just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible so they can both move on...why wait to see him again and one of them drive 200 miles just so she can tell him face-to-face that she thinks he''s a weirdo? LOL

I totally see her point, but I see his point as well. Sometimes you start developing feeling by 6 weeks, and if he was so nice as she said. I would think he deserves more than just a dear john e-mail. I think if he drove was because he wanted to find out what happen, not because he is a creepy. Of course if he start stalking her, or keep calling then he is a total creep

 

[Bleed Burnt Orange]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:20:21 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2010 11:08:28 AM
Author: monarch64

Date: 4/27/2010 11:00:42 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2010 10:49:46 AM
Author: decodelighted
I have a lot of opinions on the Freak of the Week sleepover ... but, am curious, why didn't you break up with him *in person* to begin with. Is it because you sensed he wouldn't take it well? You'd have been right, ya know.

At the part where he wanted to drive I was SCREAMING in my head 'DON'T GO TO THE 2nd LOCATION!!!!!' I really hope this doesn't end like mine did. Five years of stalking.

I think it was pretty immature to break up with someone by e-mal-text. I totally understand why he would want to talk with you in person. The drinking and sleeping over was OTT.

Gaby, normally I would agree with you regarding the phone/email breakup, BUT they do live 225 miles apart. And in this case, I think Starset just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible so they can both move on...why wait to see him again and one of them drive 200 miles just so she can tell him face-to-face that she thinks he's a weirdo? LOL

I totally see her point, but I see his point as well. Sometimes you start developing feeling by 6 weeks, and if he was so nice as she said. I would think he deserves more than just a dear john e-mail. I think if he drove was because he wanted to find out what happen, not because he is a creepy. Of course if he start stalking her, or keep calling then he is a total creep

I agree that he's getting a bit unfairly judged as being a creeper. He was someone you were over the moon about very recently and were intimate with, why not give him the time of day to at least respond to what you sent in an e-mail. Maybe he's "old" fashioned in wanting to close things face to face.

 

[Erin]

I totally agree. I actually had twinges of regret when he looked at me and said When you feel as strongly as I do, you don''t want to look back and regret not having tried. You don''t want to wonder, what if I just talked to her face to face and tried to figure out what went wrong or how to fix it? Now that I''ve met someone I want in my life so badly, I can''t imagine not doing everything possible to keep you in it.

His voice cracked a little and I felt like maybe I was rushing my decision. Then again I was in the car of someone who just drove 3.5 hours to come to my house unannounced at 8:30pm.

 

[Anastasia]

Starset,

That was how I read into his actions (showing up last night) - he wanted to make sure he made every attempt at keeping you.

Since he was that crazy about you, and you two had such a whirlwind romance, I don''t think it was strange that he would drive all that way to see you in person. And maybe he thought that you would find it romantic that he felt that strongly. I really don''t consider this creepy behavior.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:20:21 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2010 11:08:28 AM
Author: monarch64

Date: 4/27/2010 11:00:42 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2010 10:49:46 AM
Author: decodelighted
I have a lot of opinions on the Freak of the Week sleepover ... but, am curious, why didn't you break up with him *in person* to begin with. Is it because you sensed he wouldn't take it well? You'd have been right, ya know.

At the part where he wanted to drive I was SCREAMING in my head 'DON'T GO TO THE 2nd LOCATION!!!!!' I really hope this doesn't end like mine did. Five years of stalking.

I think it was pretty immature to break up with someone by e-mal-text. I totally understand why he would want to talk with you in person. The drinking and sleeping over was OTT.

Gaby, normally I would agree with you regarding the phone/email breakup, BUT they do live 225 miles apart. And in this case, I think Starset just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible so they can both move on...why wait to see him again and one of them drive 200 miles just so she can tell him face-to-face that she thinks he's a weirdo? LOL

I totally see her point, but I see his point as well. Sometimes you start developing feeling by 6 weeks, and if he was so nice as she said. I would think he deserves more than just a dear john e-mail. I think if he drove was because he wanted to find out what happen, not because he is a creepy. Of course if he start stalking her, or keep calling then he is a total creep

Starset, I've been lurking on this thread, but I do agree with this. His text actually didn't creep me out (although the sleepover was OTT and definitely food for thought). It actually struck me as kind of funny, although I know it wasn't to you. It's kind of like the Post It note break up in Sex and the City...I felt that he was somewhat incredulous that you would break up with him like that after 6 weeks together, which included intimacy.

If this situation was reversed and we were reading that a guy broke up with a woman like this after six weeks and sex, we'd all be pretty aghast, regardless of the 225 miles. I feel for you Starset, and I was hoping this could have worked out.

And I'll be honest and say I did wonder about you and your perspective about this relationship. I understand that sometimes in a new relationship, sometimes there is a turn off that is the point of no return, and it can happen suddenly. But that's not fair to him. He's been putting in his emotional investment for 6 weeks and didn't have that weird turn off that you did. If you were as excited and enthusiastic to him as you were in this thread, I can see he wouldn't know what hit him when he got that email.

The honeymoon phase is just that...a phase. It's temporary. Whether it be freaky sex faces or finding out that he leaves dirty socks around in the house, reality strikes sooner or later. That's fine if you decide things are deal breakers, or that the chemistry really wasn't there. But IMHO, the maturity that one shows getting out of a relationship is an indicator of what one is like in one.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:37:17 AM
Author: Anastasia
Starset,


That was how I read into his actions (showing up last night) - he wanted to make sure he made every attempt at keeping you.


Since he was that crazy about you, and you two had such a whirlwind romance, I don't think it was strange that he would drive all that way to see you in person. And maybe he thought that you would find it romantic that he felt that strongly. I really don't consider this creepy behavior.

This is how I see it too. I have not commented on your thread before...just kind of read it. I don't want to step out of line here, but I refrained from comment as I thought it sounded like there was a lot of "fantasy" going on rather than just taking the time to get to know one another as you really are and let things come naturally if they are meant to...which I thought might come back to bite at some point. I sort of can relate as I too have been involved with some men who were not quite ready to commit and had to be pretty easy about jumping into it with someone TOO enthusiastic (warning...they often can be hesitant to commit too once it becomes "real"!). I know how flattering it can be to meet someone who DOES want to commit.

I accept that sometimes people do know early on that they have something quite special - I had that with my DH too - but it is also important to separate the fantasy of what you WANT or HOPE it to be from what is real and genuine. This is where patience, and going easy together, comes in to play. Remaining self-aware even while your heart is pattering at a million miles a minute. Especially given you are rather fresh out of a long term relationship. I can say that while DH and I knew we had something special...we also were quite aware of "romantic fantasy". There were no over the top romantic gestures or rushes to commit to something before we were ready as a couple and individually. We just continued to be open and honest with one another - whether it was a hope or fantasy, a fear or hesitation, or anything else in between. It all worked out wonderfully.

But that being said I think that this gesture of him coming to your house at night somewhat fits the rather "whirlwind" that this relationship was on. It seems "romantic gestures" (i.e. big bouquets of roses) were common and welcomed. It is quite possible he saw a long drive and a case of beer as equally romantic and welcome, despite the text.

I can definitely understand why he would want to TALK in person. Even though it was only a 6-week deal, it sounds like you both portrayed it was rather serious. I mean it went from you talking about moving to Chicago to be closer to him (and for other reasons of course) and so on to.....well....saying something seemed "off" and breaking it off in a text...it is rather harsh. As confusing as this has been for you, I imagine it is even more so confusing for him since he was not privy to your decision making or thought processes at the time until you told him.

If it continues on...then yes there is a problem. But I would not classify wanting to see you in person to talk and maybe get some better understanding and closure (because text/email/phone is just not very personal) as creepy at this point.

 

[janinegirly]

Hmm, I can see others' point on the impersonal break up and how it likely left him feeling blindsided. I suppose if I was on the receiving end, I'd be hurt and want to talk. I don't know about driving 225 miles though and showing up with a six pack and parking on a side street. It was the details that creeped me out.

I have seen a trend among female friends who are now single (mid 30's) where they utilize this upfront approach with break ups. IE being honest even though it might hurt to avoid the game of denial and pretending. I guess the thought is we are all older, no time to waste and have been through the grind. Maybe it's a by product of internet dating too. Anyway, it seems hurtful but it's really the most honest and upfront way particularly in light of the distance between the 2. Now this was a whirlwind relationsihp--bought into by both parties--but end of the days 6wks is not that long. I think if it was a six months to a year etc. I would also agree that face to face is the most compassionate way to go about it even taking into the account the distance.

 

[Erin]

I am reading and digesting everything, but just to clarify...

I did not break up with him via a text message or an email. I talked to him on the phone. We talked to each other over the phone during my drive home. The email was the next day to reiterate what a great catch I think he will be - albeit for someone else.

It was not immature or callous. We were free to talk candidly and it was not left open ended.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:54:21 AM
Author: janinegirly
Hmm, I can see others'' point on the impersonal break up and how it likely left him feeling blindsided. I suppose if I was on the receiving end, I''d be hurt and want to talk. I don''t know about driving 225 miles though and showing up with a six pack and parking on a side street. It was the details that creeped me out.

I have seen a trend among female friends who are now single (ie mid 30''s) where they utilize this upfront approach with break ups. IE being honest even though it might hurt to avoid the game of denial and pretending. I guess the thought is we are all older, no time to waste and have been through the grind. Maybe it''s a by product of internet dating too. Anyway, it seems hurtful but it''s really the most honest and upfront way particularly in light of the distance between the 2. Now this was a whirlwind relationsihp--bought into by both parties--but end of the days 6wks is not that long. I think if it was a six months to a year etc. I would also agree that face to face is the most compassionate way to go about it even taking into the account the distance.

Janine, to that I would say go back a few pages in this thread and see how high Starset was. Feelings are feelings. I''m not saying it was really deep for either party, but sometimes in the honeymoon period, it''s even harder to be deflated because you''re flying up so high. If he had broken up with Starset when she was feeling as she was a few pages ago, I daresay she would have been fairly crushed and confused.

I do agree though that with Internet dating, things have changed. But people haven''t, and the feelings that people have in the stages of courtship have endured throughout time - that delicious antipication that hope brings, and the vulnerability it creates.

 

[Tigarlily1]

I have totally had this type of thing happen to me. I had been dating someone for about 6 weeks and it was long distance like yours. But his semester was ending and he was moving back to my area. When he got home he showed up at my house with a duffle bag. I tried to be polite but after about a week we were in the car and I broke the news to him that it just wasn''t working for me he was a great guy but not the one for me. No spark.

He bawled. Hysterically. Crying. When we got back to my house he wouldn''t leave and insisted on sleeping over. Most uncomfortable night ever! Then in the morning he took a shower and was wailing in the bathroom. OMG. I literally had to open the door and push him out of my apartment. It wasn''t over then either... a few other times I saw his car in my parking lot when he had no reason to be there.

To make a long story short he met someone a few month after me and was engaged in another couple months. Whew.

Always, always, always go with your gut.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:59:07 AM
Author: Starset Princess
I am reading and digesting everything, but just to clarify...

I did not break up with him via a text message or an email. I talked to him on the phone. We talked to each other over the phone during my drive home. The email was the next day to reiterate what a great catch I think he will be - albeit for someone else.

It was not immature or callous. We were free to talk candidly and it was not left open ended.

Sorry for the misunderstanding Starset, but from what I read here, on the phone, you were having a discussion about your relationship, i.e., "something is missing." You then sent him the "Dear John" letter, which implies you ended it via email. That''s where I got my conclusion.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:54:21 AM
Author: janinegirly
Hmm, I can see others' point on the impersonal break up and how it likely left him feeling blindsided. I suppose if I was on the receiving end, I'd be hurt and want to talk. I don't know about driving 225 miles though and showing up with a six pack and parking on a side street. It was the details that creeped me out.


I have seen a trend among female friends who are now single (mid 30's) where they utilize this upfront approach with break ups. IE being honest even though it might hurt to avoid the game of denial and pretending. I guess the thought is we are all older, no time to waste and have been through the grind. Maybe it's a by product of internet dating too. Anyway, it seems hurtful but it's really the most honest and upfront way particularly in light of the distance between the 2. Now this was a whirlwind relationsihp--bought into by both parties--but end of the days 6wks is not that long. I think if it was a six months to a year etc. I would also agree that face to face is the most compassionate way to go about it even taking into the account the distance.

As a woman in her 30's, who also did the internet dating a few times over, and went through "the grind" as well, I think this kind of approach is exactly the problem to be honest. It treats relationships (however long or short), and other people, like objects to put in the shopping cart and put back again. It treats life as a big rush..."no time to waste"? Is any life experience honestly a "waste"? Is the goal really "to get a man"?

It projects past hurts onto future partners who are NOT your ex or the guy who rejected you. It treats "avoiding hurt" like the most important thing, and fails to realize that without taking some risk of hurt, or risk of rejection, there can be no joy either.

It is this sort of thing that is played off as "just being honest - it's who I am" that in my opinion works against these woman. It is a mask to hide the fear or hurt or pain. And it is a mask that most healthy people (men included) can see right through and will avoid. Which just perpetuates the cycle.

One can be honest...and STILL be compassionate. This does not mean they need to live in denial or pretend! One can be honest and upfront with someone and maintain that compassion and respect for another human being...whether they figure out on the first date they are not interested, or after the first year.

In my personal opinion, if someone is not willing to take the risk of being open, honest and of perhaps getting hurt...and instead acts out of fear or in this way they would be better to spend their dollars on talking to a therapist than on an internet dating program for a while. And I mean that in a good way - I think therapy is a wonderful gift to one's self.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

At the speed in which feelings were developing in this relationship waiting 2 weeks could have meant a ring purchase and proposal. Imagine the heartache had she broken up with him then. I support Starset in her decision to break things off as soon as she realized it wasn't going to work and I think doing it over an email was reasonable given the distance. Starset I've been in your position before (blindsiding a guy with a breakup). It's hard and uncomfortable, but ultimately you need to do what's right with you. It wasn't fair to lead him on and waste his time so I respect you for doing what I feel was the right thing.

And yes, I do still think he's creepy. I understand him wanting to talk face to face, but he could have called and explained that to her, making sure she was comfortable with it. If he really cared about her he would have done that. Driving 225 miles and showing up at night with a six pack, a duffle bag and the expectation of sleeping over is totally out of line and I question his impulse control.

 

[CatLady]

CREEPY. Those guys who won''t take no for an answer are really hard to deal with. You''re both adults who have, I assume, been in relationships before and who realize that 6 weeks isn''t really all that long and that it is best to just cut your losses and move on.

My friend dated a guy like that once, he seemed like a "perfect" guy. Good job, decent looking, really nice. The sex was bad, she said that he would turn his head from side to side, had his eyes clenched shut and would grunt, so she stopped sleeping with him and told him that she wasn''t interested. He started doing some psycho stuff that seemed "nice". Like, once we were out and it had snowed. I dropped her off at home and her walk was shoveled. There was a note on the door from him saying "I just wanted to make sure that you didn''t fall". OK, how creepy is that. Then he randomly showed up at her house and was like "What we have, it''s really special and I don''t want to lose it", but they only went out for two months and she was sleeping with her ex most of the time anyway.

I don''t understand how two people can be in the same relationship and one person thinks that things are going great while the other one thinks that things are going terribly.

 

[charbie]

Ok- so I''ve now spent a bunch of time reading through this whole thread i was hoping would end in a ring. Damn. But now at least I feel I have to respond.

SP- I wish you the best. I think it was kind of sweet and romantic that he drove to see you like that. Obviously in a quick amount of time you both have had feelings develop, and it does suck that your "chemistry" didn''t dissolve for one another at the same pace. You didn''t feel it, but he still did, and I hope others respect that he was being honest with both you and himself for trying to make an honest effort trying to figure out where things went wrong. I mean, he didn''t necessarily do anything wrong, so I can understand why it would be difficult for him to just give up on it. It''s confusing to both parties.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 12:30:21 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
At the speed in which feelings were developing in this relationship waiting 2 weeks could have meant a ring purchase and proposal. Imagine the heartache had she broken up with him then. I support Starset in her decision to break things off as soon as she realized it wasn''t going to work and I think doing it over an email was reasonable given the distance. Starset I''ve been in your position before (blindsiding a guy with a breakup). It''s hard and uncomfortable, but ultimately you need to do what''s right with you. It wasn''t fair to lead him on and waste his time so I respect you for doing what I feel was the right thing.

And yes, I do still think he''s creepy. I understand him wanting to talk face to face, but he could have called and explained that to her, making sure she was comfortable with it. If he really cared about her he would have done that. Driving 225 miles and showing up at night with a six pack, a duffle bag and the expectation of sleeping over is totally out of line and I question his impulse control.

I''ll be really honest and say, I agree, AND thought he was from page 1 of this thread (which is why I never really contributed, but lurked). But I''m anti-cheesy, and I just thought the flowers and flowery fluffy note was an indicator that this guy was a wee bit too eager/ready to dive in. But since Starset seemed equally ready to dive in, I kept my mouth shut.

But the same trait that made this guy send the flowers and that particular note is what is causing him to drive 225 miles to your house. It''s all fun when you''re an active player in the game, but when you''re done, not so much.

What I am trying to say is that this guy probably didn''t *just* turn creepy. The signs were there. It''s all how it''s perceived. That being said, I still understand why he sent that text, and under the circumstances, do not find the text in itself creepy.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/27/2010 12:54:35 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/27/2010 12:30:21 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

At the speed in which feelings were developing in this relationship waiting 2 weeks could have meant a ring purchase and proposal. Imagine the heartache had she broken up with him then. I support Starset in her decision to break things off as soon as she realized it wasn't going to work and I think doing it over an email was reasonable given the distance. Starset I've been in your position before (blindsiding a guy with a breakup). It's hard and uncomfortable, but ultimately you need to do what's right with you. It wasn't fair to lead him on and waste his time so I respect you for doing what I feel was the right thing.


And yes, I do still think he's creepy. I understand him wanting to talk face to face, but he could have called and explained that to her, making sure she was comfortable with it. If he really cared about her he would have done that. Driving 225 miles and showing up at night with a six pack, a duffle bag and the expectation of sleeping over is totally out of line and I question his impulse control.

I'll be really honest and say, I agree, AND thought he was from page 1 of this thread (which is why I never really contributed, but lurked). But I'm anti-cheesy, and I just thought the flowers and flowery fluffy note was an indicator that this guy was a wee bit too eager/ready to dive in. But since Starset seemed equally ready to dive in, I kept my mouth shut.


But the same trait that made this guy send the flowers and that particular note is what is causing him to drive 225 miles to your house. It's all fun when you're an active player in the game, but when you're done, not so much.


What I am trying to say is that this guy probably didn't *just* turn creepy. The signs were there. It's all how it's perceived. That being said, I still understand why he sent that text, and under the circumstances, do not find the text in itself creepy.

I agree with this, and refrained for similar reasons. The "cheese" just sort of sets off little alarms for me too...mainly that someone is more in love with idea of being in love than in taking the time to get to know someone. That is just my own perceptions.

However, it is also why I think he just continued on with what had worked for him earlier and through the short whirlwind relationship. Those same gestures that worked when SP was also "head over heels" and were indeed welcomed with open arms, were perceived differently when her feelings subsided which to him was probably quite sudden. The guy was probably grasping at what had worked before.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Oh I totally agree with you TG. Women often wistfully talk about wanting public displays of affection and romance or to be swept off their feet. But that only works if you''re 100% on board. Otherwise it can come off as overeager and icky. There really is a fine line between being sweet and generous and just trying too hard and personally I find the trying to hard part to be a real turn off.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/27/2010 12:54:35 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/27/2010 12:30:21 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
And yes, I do still think he''s creepy. I understand him wanting to talk face to face, but he could have called and explained that to her, making sure she was comfortable with it. If he really cared about her he would have done that. Driving 225 miles and showing up at night with a six pack, a duffle bag and the expectation of sleeping over is totally out of line and I question his impulse control.

I''ll be really honest and say, I agree, AND thought he was from page 1 of this thread (which is why I never really contributed, but lurked). But I''m anti-cheesy, and I just thought the flowers and flowery fluffy note was an indicator that this guy was a wee bit too eager/ready to dive in.

But the same trait that made this guy send the flowers and that particular note is what is causing him to drive 225 miles to your house. It''s all fun when you''re an active player in the game, but when you''re done, not so much.

What I am trying to say is that this guy probably didn''t *just* turn creepy. The signs were there. It''s all how it''s perceived.

D-I-T-T-O. We all want situations like this to turn out to be "the one" but alarm bells were ringing for me too. Experience has shown me over and over again that WILDFIRE beginnings are so, so often the sign of

& broken hearts to come (for at least ONE of the involved parties). Its so unfun to be doggedly pragmatic. Like kicking ROMANTIC LOVE in the shins or something.

The better the STORY, the worse the *relationship*? Maybe? Not always. I dunno.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 1:24:02 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/27/2010 12:54:35 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/27/2010 12:30:21 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
And yes, I do still think he''s creepy. I understand him wanting to talk face to face, but he could have called and explained that to her, making sure she was comfortable with it. If he really cared about her he would have done that. Driving 225 miles and showing up at night with a six pack, a duffle bag and the expectation of sleeping over is totally out of line and I question his impulse control.

I''ll be really honest and say, I agree, AND thought he was from page 1 of this thread (which is why I never really contributed, but lurked). But I''m anti-cheesy, and I just thought the flowers and flowery fluffy note was an indicator that this guy was a wee bit too eager/ready to dive in.

But the same trait that made this guy send the flowers and that particular note is what is causing him to drive 225 miles to your house. It''s all fun when you''re an active player in the game, but when you''re done, not so much.

What I am trying to say is that this guy probably didn''t *just* turn creepy. The signs were there. It''s all how it''s perceived.

D-I-T-T-O. We all want situations like this to turn out to be ''the one'' but alarm bells were ringing for me too. Experience has shown me over and over again that WILDFIRE beginnings are so, so often the sign of

& broken hearts to come (for at least ONE of the involved parties). Its so unfun to be doggedly pragmatic. Like kicking ROMANTIC LOVE in the shins or something.

The better the STORY, the worse the *relationship*? Maybe? Not always. I dunno.

Not always Deco, which is why I refrained from posting. Didn''t want to be Debbie Downer...or even worse, a hypocrite since TGuy and I did have somewhat of a whirlwind romance and totally threw caution to the wind. I mean, he threw his name in the green card lotto for the hell of it and said, "If I win, it''s fate." Of course, once he won, it became a lot more down to earth and tough from there.

And I wanted it to work. The reason I even opened this thread when it first started (other than the fact that I thought maybe I missed starset was getting married and set a date for a wedding), was that it WAS starset, who''s been around PS for awhile and I really was cheering for her to find a great guy. Page 1, I saw that cheesy note and warning bells. But at a later point, she mentioned he wasn''t attractive (which I remembered without rereading this thread, which I just did do btw), and I thought, uh oh...older, not that attractive, EAGER, guy. This reeks of textbook desperation. As RaiKai said, someone who loved the idea of being in love and who was trying to take the fast track there instead of taking the time you need to cultivate such an important feeling.

Starset, I''m sorry that this didn''t work out . I was honestly hoping it would, despite my thoughts on his eagerness (because it wouldn''t matter as long as you were on board), and feel bummed that you''ll have to go through those first stages of dating again (although you may not be bummed!

) But my two cents from watching this unfold is to take a look and see where things went wrong. You too, were also eager and ready to just jump in and make some life changes for this guy. You were quick to decide he was the one for you, this thread moved fast and braked fast.

I read your posts again and this thread, and you mentioned good things come to those who wait. I''ll throw in another saying that I find is generally true: Slow and steady wins the race.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Sorry it ended this way Starset. I too am skeptical of relationships that get so intense so soon, which is why I advised early on to take your time while getting to know him. It sounds like you did what you thought you had to do, but I do feel a little sorry for the guy. I don''t think anything he did is necessarily that bad. It is only creepy to you now because your feelings have changed. If he had driven to see you for a surprise visit a couple weeks ago, you would have thought it was romantic. You can''t force yourself to feel something you don''t, so in the end, breaking up with him was the right thing to do. But you had just spent two weekends in a row with him, so try to have a little compassion and realize why he might not be taking this so easily.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I kinda agree with treefrog here. It''s totally your call whether you want to end the relationship or not, but he clearly thought maybe he could change your mind and didn''t want to lose you. I too did the "show up on her doorstep" thing when my GF broke up with me. It made things 10000000000x worse than had I stayed home and been sad and not gone over there to beg and look like a creepy stalker idiot, but the romantic inside me thought "just maybe" if I showed up there and professed my love and devotion she''d want to stay with me. Pathetic, I know, LOL. Some women like that kind of effort, while others find it awkward, annoying and stalkerish. Oops!

He''s probably done trying-- I think he gets it now.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 4/27/2010 1:51:50 PM
Author: HappyNewLife
I kinda agree with treefrog here. It''s totally your call whether you want to end the relationship or not, but he clearly thought maybe he could change your mind and didn''t want to lose you. I too did the ''show up on her doorstep'' thing when my GF broke up with me. It made things 10000000000x worse than had I stayed home and been sad and not gone over there to beg and look like a creepy stalker idiot, but the romantic inside me thought ''just maybe'' if I showed up there and professed my love and devotion she''d want to stay with me. Pathetic, I know, LOL. Some women like that kind of effort, while others find it awkward, annoying and stalkerish. Oops!

He''s probably done trying-- I think he gets it now.

Fair point, but why is it when the woman calls repeatedly to talk after a break up, she is labeled "psycho." It can run both ways but no one ever interprets the woman''s actions as romantic.

I get that he showed these tendancies early and maybe is being consistent. But still, ignoring emails, showing up covertly with sixpack and staying over are ways the try to manipulate the end result, and I do believe when there''s signs of this, it''s time to nip it in the bud. Otherwise this could turn into the 6 week breakup.