I have a daaayyyyyte... I have a daaayyyyyte

[Erin]

I do see why this is so hard for him. This probably precipitated my chickened-out phone call way of handling this instead of what? Not coming at all last weekend? Driving up Saturday morning with a conversation agenda? Plus I really was giving it one last trial before making a decision that would be hard to take back.

The Whirlwind factor. I've known that the idea of what was going on here was crazy. If you wrote him on paper I still contend he is perfect for me. After all the bull$#!$ I've been through in my past three relationships it was nice to not have to drag someone along and constantly try to guess what their intentions were going to be in the end. I thought, just maybe, because it is 180o different from everything I am used to, it just might be crazy enough to work. Obviously having all those common interests/thoughts/beliefs is a good thing, but that doesn't change the fact that we were moving too fast. Knowing what you want and going for it is good, but not letting things move at a reasonable pace isn't. I tried keeping my emotions restrained, but like Deco said, I didn't want to kick romantic love in the shins either.

Now I'm left with the aftermath. I'm supposed to be giving it one last thought. His reasoning is 20 years from now, do I still like him? is he a good husband? does he treat me like I deserve? do we have fun? is he a good father? did he always provide for us? do I stimulate your intelligence? your sense of humor? blah blah blah Yes. All of those things might be true. Maybe this is coming from someone who knows he has a lot to offer but doesn't necessarily appeal to the majority of females.

In the end I have to break this off. With the proper compassion and finality it deserves.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 4/27/2010 12:54:35 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/27/2010 12:30:21 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
At the speed in which feelings were developing in this relationship waiting 2 weeks could have meant a ring purchase and proposal. Imagine the heartache had she broken up with him then. I support Starset in her decision to break things off as soon as she realized it wasn''t going to work and I think doing it over an email was reasonable given the distance. Starset I''ve been in your position before (blindsiding a guy with a breakup). It''s hard and uncomfortable, but ultimately you need to do what''s right with you. It wasn''t fair to lead him on and waste his time so I respect you for doing what I feel was the right thing.

And yes, I do still think he''s creepy. I understand him wanting to talk face to face, but he could have called and explained that to her, making sure she was comfortable with it. If he really cared about her he would have done that. Driving 225 miles and showing up at night with a six pack, a duffle bag and the expectation of sleeping over is totally out of line and I question his impulse control.

I''ll be really honest and say, I agree, AND thought he was from page 1 of this thread (which is why I never really contributed, but lurked). But I''m anti-cheesy, and I just thought the flowers and flowery fluffy note was an indicator that this guy was a wee bit too eager/ready to dive in. But since Starset seemed equally ready to dive in, I kept my mouth shut.

But the same trait that made this guy send the flowers and that particular note is what is causing him to drive 225 miles to your house. It''s all fun when you''re an active player in the game, but when you''re done, not so much.

What I am trying to say is that this guy probably didn''t *just* turn creepy. The signs were there. It''s all how it''s perceived. That being said, I still understand why he sent that text, and under the circumstances, do not find the text in itself creepy.

Hmm, good points Tgal. I admit I was a big cheerleader in this thread--it just seemed like such an improvement over the ex (a story many of us followed for years). Sometimes you want it to be true and ignore warning signs, especially when it reads/seems like a romance novel.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:02:53 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I do see why this is so hard for him. This probably precipitated my chickened-out phone call way of handling this instead of what? Not coming at all last weekend? Driving up Saturday morning with a conversation agenda? Plus I really was giving it one last trial before making a decision that would be hard to take back.

The Whirlwind factor. I''ve known that the idea of what was going on here was crazy. If you wrote him on paper I still contend he is perfect for me. After all the bull$#!$ I''ve been through in my past three relationships it was nice to not have to drag someone along and constantly try to guess what their intentions were going to be in the end. I thought, just maybe, because it is 180o different from everything I am used to, it just might be crazy enough to work. I tried keeping my emotions restrained, but like Deco said, I didn''t want to kick romantic love in the shins either.

Now I''m left with the aftermath. I''m supposed to be giving it one last thought. His reasoning is 20 years from now, do I still like him? is he a good husband? does he treat me like I deserve? do we have fun? is he a good father? did he always provide for us? do I stimulate your intelligence? your sense of humor? blah blah blah Yes. All of those things might be true. Maybe this is coming from someone who knows he has a lot to offer but doesn''t necessarily appeal to the majority of females.

In the end I have to break this off. With the proper compassion and finality it deserves.

While I sympathize with him (I mean, most of us know what it''s like to be dumped, right?), I think it''s unfair to both of you for him to try to talk you back into this relationship. Frankly, after only 6 weeks, you don''t know the answer to *any* of those questions he''s asking. What you do know, today, is that the relationship doesn''t feel right. Under the best of circumstances, at the beginning of a whirlwind romance, the dude just bugs you.

If he has that much to offer, there is someone out there right now waiting for him. And there''s a better match for you out there too.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:18:58 PM
Author: KittyGolightly

Date: 4/27/2010 2:02:53 PM

Author: Starset Princess

I do see why this is so hard for him. This probably precipitated my chickened-out phone call way of handling this instead of what? Not coming at all last weekend? Driving up Saturday morning with a conversation agenda? Plus I really was giving it one last trial before making a decision that would be hard to take back.


The Whirlwind factor. I've known that the idea of what was going on here was crazy. If you wrote him on paper I still contend he is perfect for me. After all the bull$#!$ I've been through in my past three relationships it was nice to not have to drag someone along and constantly try to guess what their intentions were going to be in the end. I thought, just maybe, because it is 180o different from everything I am used to, it just might be crazy enough to work. I tried keeping my emotions restrained, but like Deco said, I didn't want to kick romantic love in the shins either.


Now I'm left with the aftermath. I'm supposed to be giving it one last thought. His reasoning is 20 years from now, do I still like him? is he a good husband? does he treat me like I deserve? do we have fun? is he a good father? did he always provide for us? do I stimulate your intelligence? your sense of humor? blah blah blah Yes. All of those things might be true. Maybe this is coming from someone who knows he has a lot to offer but doesn't necessarily appeal to the majority of females.


In the end I have to break this off. With the proper compassion and finality it deserves.

While I sympathize with him (I mean, most of us know what it's like to be dumped, right?), I think it's unfair to both of you for him to try to talk you back into this relationship. Frankly, after only 6 weeks, you don't know the answer to *any* of those questions he's asking. What you do know, today, is that the relationship doesn't feel right. Under the best of circumstances, at the beginning of a whirlwind romance, the dude just bugs you.


If he has that much to offer, there is someone out there right now waiting for him. And there's a better match for you out there too.

I agree with this. How are you supposed to answer those kind of questions based on a 6-week romance? It is still the honeymoon stage (and even that honeymoon did not last long). There is NO way you can answer those questions NOW. Quite honestly the only time someone can answer a question like "do I still like him" and "is he a good father" is when it is asked for that time only. Be it TODAY or in FORTY YEARS. You can't predict answers!

As much as I can understand him wanting to make the last gesture.....those questions are just over the top...even asking you to "reconsider" is over the top. You are an adult. You made your choice. You do not need a "time out" to consider it more.

And just because someone is good on paper...does not mean they are good for you.

And just because they are the complete opposite of what you are used to, does not mean they are either.

There is a balance though in there somewhere. Take your time to find it.

 

[Indylady]

He came with a duffle bag to spend the night even after you told him it was over?

He does not respect you. That''s the only explanation. If he really wanted to woo you back to him, he should have booked a hotel.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:29:24 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 4/27/2010 2:18:58 PM
Author: KittyGolightly

Date: 4/27/2010 2:02:53 PM

Author: Starset Princess

I do see why this is so hard for him. This probably precipitated my chickened-out phone call way of handling this instead of what? Not coming at all last weekend? Driving up Saturday morning with a conversation agenda? Plus I really was giving it one last trial before making a decision that would be hard to take back.


The Whirlwind factor. I''ve known that the idea of what was going on here was crazy. If you wrote him on paper I still contend he is perfect for me. After all the bull$#!$ I''ve been through in my past three relationships it was nice to not have to drag someone along and constantly try to guess what their intentions were going to be in the end. I thought, just maybe, because it is 180o different from everything I am used to, it just might be crazy enough to work. I tried keeping my emotions restrained, but like Deco said, I didn''t want to kick romantic love in the shins either.


Now I''m left with the aftermath. I''m supposed to be giving it one last thought. His reasoning is 20 years from now, do I still like him? is he a good husband? does he treat me like I deserve? do we have fun? is he a good father? did he always provide for us? do I stimulate your intelligence? your sense of humor? blah blah blah Yes. All of those things might be true. Maybe this is coming from someone who knows he has a lot to offer but doesn''t necessarily appeal to the majority of females.


In the end I have to break this off. With the proper compassion and finality it deserves.

While I sympathize with him (I mean, most of us know what it''s like to be dumped, right?), I think it''s unfair to both of you for him to try to talk you back into this relationship. Frankly, after only 6 weeks, you don''t know the answer to *any* of those questions he''s asking. What you do know, today, is that the relationship doesn''t feel right. Under the best of circumstances, at the beginning of a whirlwind romance, the dude just bugs you.


If he has that much to offer, there is someone out there right now waiting for him. And there''s a better match for you out there too.

I agree with this. How are you supposed to answer those kind of questions based on a 6-week romance? It is still the honeymoon stage (and even that honeymoon did not last long). There is NO way you can answer those questions NOW.

As much as I can understand him wanting to make the last gesture.....those questions are just over the top...even asking you to ''reconsider'' is over the top. You are an adult. You made your choice. You do not need a ''time out'' to consider it more.

And just because someone is good on paper...does not mean they are good for you.

And just because they are the complete opposite of what you are used to, does not mean they are either.

There is a balance though in there somewhere. Take your time to find it.

Yeah, it can all look good on paper, but be wary if it''s toilet paper.

 

[Anastasia]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:02:53 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I do see why this is so hard for him. This probably precipitated my chickened-out phone call way of handling this instead of what? Not coming at all last weekend? Driving up Saturday morning with a conversation agenda? Plus I really was giving it one last trial before making a decision that would be hard to take back.


The Whirlwind factor. I''ve known that the idea of what was going on here was crazy. If you wrote him on paper I still contend he is perfect for me. After all the bull$#!$ I''ve been through in my past three relationships it was nice to not have to drag someone along and constantly try to guess what their intentions were going to be in the end. I thought, just maybe, because it is 180o different from everything I am used to, it just might be crazy enough to work. Obviously having all those common interests/thoughts/beliefs is a good thing, but that doesn''t change the fact that we were moving too fast. Knowing what you want and going for it is good, but not letting things move at a reasonable pace isn''t. I tried keeping my emotions restrained, but like Deco said, I didn''t want to kick romantic love in the shins either.


Now I''m left with the aftermath. I''m supposed to be giving it one last thought. His reasoning is 20 years from now, do I still like him? is he a good husband? does he treat me like I deserve? do we have fun? is he a good father? did he always provide for us? do I stimulate your intelligence? your sense of humor? blah blah blah Yes. All of those things might be true. Maybe this is coming from someone who knows he has a lot to offer but doesn''t necessarily appeal to the majority of females.


In the end I have to break this off. With the proper compassion and finality it deserves.

The bolded part sounds an awful lot like settling to me. Yes, the answer to each of these questions needs to be yes. But he forgot one really important question. Are we crazy about each other?

Starset you completely have your head on straight about this. You are not willing to settle for someone who "looks good on paper". I have been married for almost 18 years, and I can tell you that my husband and I are as crazy about each other as we were when we were dating. And the passion is most definitely still there. If you are not crazy about each other, and attracted to each other right now, it will not happen. I''m not saying that passion can not take time to develop, but there are things that he does that drive you crazy, and it sounds like some of these things creep you out too. I just don''t see any of this leading to passion.

I think he really is crazy about you, but he is also coming off as desperate. Not a sexy quality, imo! Unfortunately, what he doesn''t understand, is that the more desperate he acts, the more it will probably drive you away. On the other hand, I understand that he feels the need to make sure there was nothing he could do to salvage the relationship.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:00:25 PM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 4/27/2010 1:51:50 PM
Author: HappyNewLife
I kinda agree with treefrog here. It''s totally your call whether you want to end the relationship or not, but he clearly thought maybe he could change your mind and didn''t want to lose you. I too did the ''show up on her doorstep'' thing when my GF broke up with me. It made things 10000000000x worse than had I stayed home and been sad and not gone over there to beg and look like a creepy stalker idiot, but the romantic inside me thought ''just maybe'' if I showed up there and professed my love and devotion she''d want to stay with me. Pathetic, I know, LOL. Some women like that kind of effort, while others find it awkward, annoying and stalkerish. Oops!

He''s probably done trying-- I think he gets it now.

Fair point, but why is it when the woman calls repeatedly to talk after a break up, she is labeled ''psycho.'' It can run both ways but no one ever interprets the woman''s actions as romantic.

I get that he showed these tendancies early and maybe is being consistent. But still, ignoring emails, showing up covertly with sixpack and staying over are ways the try to manipulate the end result, and I do believe when there''s signs of this, it''s time to nip it in the bud. Otherwise this could turn into the 6 week breakup.

OK, don''t flame me for this, but I think it''s because while men are terrible communicators, when they''re done, their fairly done. I''ve met a lot of women who "test" their men and aren''t really done. They just want the guy to make a bigger effort, and the guy is supposed to read her mind and know this, of course.

Which is why HappyNewLife''s post, while sad, is kind of funny too (laughing with you, not at you, btw). He knew he might come across creepy, but what if she wasn''t really done? Trying to figure women out is very difficult sometimes and I could just see the wheels turning in his head. Is she? Isn''t she? Does she, doesn''t she?

I''m not saying men don''t play games, but usually if they are breaking up, it''s because they''re just not that into you anymore.

 

[Anastasia]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:18:58 PM
Author: KittyGolightly

Date: 4/27/2010 2:02:53 PM




What you do know, today, is that the relationship doesn''t feel right. Under the best of circumstances, at the beginning of a whirlwind romance, the dude just bugs you.


If he has that much to offer, there is someone out there right now waiting for him. And there''s a better match for you out there too.

Kitty - you hit the nail on the head. This says it all!

 

[HappyNewLife]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:52:39 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/27/2010 2:00:25 PM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 4/27/2010 1:51:50 PM
Author: HappyNewLife
I kinda agree with treefrog here. It''s totally your call whether you want to end the relationship or not, but he clearly thought maybe he could change your mind and didn''t want to lose you. I too did the ''show up on her doorstep'' thing when my GF broke up with me. It made things 10000000000x worse than had I stayed home and been sad and not gone over there to beg and look like a creepy stalker idiot, but the romantic inside me thought ''just maybe'' if I showed up there and professed my love and devotion she''d want to stay with me. Pathetic, I know, LOL. Some women like that kind of effort, while others find it awkward, annoying and stalkerish. Oops!

He''s probably done trying-- I think he gets it now.

Fair point, but why is it when the woman calls repeatedly to talk after a break up, she is labeled ''psycho.'' It can run both ways but no one ever interprets the woman''s actions as romantic.

I get that he showed these tendancies early and maybe is being consistent. But still, ignoring emails, showing up covertly with sixpack and staying over are ways the try to manipulate the end result, and I do believe when there''s signs of this, it''s time to nip it in the bud. Otherwise this could turn into the 6 week breakup.

OK, don''t flame me for this, but I think it''s because while men are terrible communicators, when they''re done, their fairly done. I''ve met a lot of women who ''test'' their men and aren''t really done. They just want the guy to make a bigger effort, and the guy is supposed to read her mind and know this, of course.

Which is why HappyNewLife''s post, while sad, is kind of funny too (laughing with you, not at you, btw). He knew he might come across creepy, but what if she wasn''t really done? Trying to figure women out is very difficult sometimes and I could just see the wheels turning in his head. Is she? Isn''t she? Does she, doesn''t she?

I''m not saying men don''t play games, but usually if they are breaking up, it''s because they''re just not that into you anymore.

(I''m a girl, but yeah, even *I* don''t know what women want, ROFL!!!!)

Ditto Anastasia btw

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 3:10:52 PM
Author: HappyNewLife

Date: 4/27/2010 2:52:39 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/27/2010 2:00:25 PM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 4/27/2010 1:51:50 PM
Author: HappyNewLife
I kinda agree with treefrog here. It''s totally your call whether you want to end the relationship or not, but he clearly thought maybe he could change your mind and didn''t want to lose you. I too did the ''show up on her doorstep'' thing when my GF broke up with me. It made things 10000000000x worse than had I stayed home and been sad and not gone over there to beg and look like a creepy stalker idiot, but the romantic inside me thought ''just maybe'' if I showed up there and professed my love and devotion she''d want to stay with me. Pathetic, I know, LOL. Some women like that kind of effort, while others find it awkward, annoying and stalkerish. Oops!

He''s probably done trying-- I think he gets it now.

Fair point, but why is it when the woman calls repeatedly to talk after a break up, she is labeled ''psycho.'' It can run both ways but no one ever interprets the woman''s actions as romantic.

I get that he showed these tendancies early and maybe is being consistent. But still, ignoring emails, showing up covertly with sixpack and staying over are ways the try to manipulate the end result, and I do believe when there''s signs of this, it''s time to nip it in the bud. Otherwise this could turn into the 6 week breakup.

OK, don''t flame me for this, but I think it''s because while men are terrible communicators, when they''re done, their fairly done. I''ve met a lot of women who ''test'' their men and aren''t really done. They just want the guy to make a bigger effort, and the guy is supposed to read her mind and know this, of course.

Which is why HappyNewLife''s post, while sad, is kind of funny too (laughing with you, not at you, btw). He knew he might come across creepy, but what if she wasn''t really done? Trying to figure women out is very difficult sometimes and I could just see the wheels turning in his head. Is she? Isn''t she? Does she, doesn''t she?

I''m not saying men don''t play games, but usually if they are breaking up, it''s because they''re just not that into you anymore.

(I''m a girl, but yeah, even *I* don''t know what women want, ROFL!!!!)

Ditto Anastasia btw

LOL, sorry, didn''t know, and yes...very true!!!

 

[Nov2109]

Oh no! SP! I was following this, but didn''t post...I was rooting for you the whole time! I checked back in today and had tons of reading to do.

Its a shame it worked out this way. Every girl always dreams of that guy who will sweep her off her feet, and sometimes no matter how hard they try and how they just may be the *perfect* guy, something isn''t right!

I dated a guy from middleschool through highschool, yes highschool (haha) that was honestly, perfect. He did everything right, sent flowers, notes, texts, would *walk*(then he got his license and would drive! haha) to my house and bring me flowers....very good looking, he had the *whole package*, hockey star, intelligent, got into a great college, etc. Everyone was jealous, but I was not into him at all...I tried giving it a chance, for the majority of HS, we went to proms together, our families were close you name it, we were the all american couple, lived a few blocks from one another, seemed like Dawson''s creek! haha I broke things off with him, its been over 5 years since I broke it off, I eventually had to threaten a restraining order on him in college because he would randomly show up to my apartment at all hours so we could talk...he would send flowers, would question my friends, my parents, my brother on where I was and what I was doing/who I was dating, he turned into a nut! When I got engaged he flipped out and called my parents hysterical. It had been 5 years at that point, 5 years! Worst part is, he''s a cop. So he will forever know where I live, just has to look up my name. I haven''t seen him in two years. My parents put him in his place the last time he called. I never did anything to give him any idea there was still a chance we might get back together...he just couldn''t get it out of his head that I really didn''t want to be with him. It took him into his mid-20s to figure it out.

I genuinely think that maybe he was just hoping you would see what a nice guy he was and how much he cared. Guys sometimes take what they see in movies for what women are like IRL. They think that if you show up on the doorstep of your ex girlfriend whom you never got over and sweep them off their feet a month before they are to be married it will all be ok, because now its clear that he cares... I''m wondering if maybe thats what he was trying to do? Prove that he is good for you? Who knows!

Either way, a phone call that said hey, I wanted to drive down and just have a talk would have been more appropriate, no beer, no intention on sleeping over, just a talk. That may have faired better for him!

I hope he gets over it and you can move on from this!

 

[Laila619]

So sorry it didn't work out Starset.

I honestly think that while whirlwind relationships might be fun, they usually crash and burn. I think pacing a guy and really getting to know him and his character over time is important. On to bigger and better!!

 

[babygirl]

Hi Starset,
I''ve been reading your thread and have been secretly rooting for you until his little quirks started to get under your skin. I''d say you probably haven''t heard the end of him just yet.. I dated a guy awhile back who sounds verrrry similar. SUPER, SUPER nice, bright guy- brought me flowers on our first date, gave me gifts just because, etc etc etc.(clearly this should have been my first sign!) We dated for maybe 5 weeks (though we weren''t quite on the fast track) until I got tipsy one night and told him I didn''t want to be his gf when he was trying to have ''the talk''. He thought it was out of the blue but really I''d already begun to pull away. He also made TERRIBLY awkward faces and reallly odd hand gestures that drove me INSANE! He called and emailed and texted and said I didn''t know what I was doing, that we had a great thing going (and all that jazz). Then he too turned up at my house one afternoon and suggested we go for a walk and talk things over. Which ended with him crying and me apologizing that I''m just not the one for him. I thought he got my drift- then he proceeded to email me waterfalls of feelings about how devastated he was. Obviously I ignored the deluge- and then he got upset and kept calling to ask why I hadn''t responded. When I finally responded, he emailed me twice more. I thought I was never going to shake him. I was like, come ON dude, we dated for five weeks and we weren''t even sleeping together!!!!

So boy do I ever know where you''re coming from! My one piece of advice is to be as direct as possible with Mr 6. You cannot leave him even the teeny tiniest glimmer of hope that next month, next year, in 5 years you''ll realize what you missed out on and want to get back together. While my first reaction is not to confront and sugar coat things as much as possible so I don''t hurt any feelings-this situation calls for complete honesty. As I''m sure you''re aware (and he''s making more apparent with his every move), you definitely won''t regret breaking this off.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:02:53 PM
Author: Starset Princess

Now I''m left with the aftermath. I''m supposed to be giving it one last thought. His reasoning is 20 years from now, do I still like him? is he a good husband? does he treat me like I deserve? do we have fun? is he a good father? did he always provide for us? do I stimulate your intelligence? your sense of humor? blah blah blah Yes. All of those things might be true. Maybe this is coming from someone who knows he has a lot to offer but doesn''t necessarily appeal to the majority of females.

You know, you can''t answer these questions, but the reminded me of an article on "settling" that I had to read for a Marriage and Family course. Here is the article---it is very enlightening. It basically talks about how settling instead of looking everywhere for Mr. HasItAll may actually be BETTER. I have to say that I agree with some of the reasons the article gives.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/

Secondly, I also agree with what TG and HH were saying about the flowers/note/etc. I would not like to be pursued like that. It would be romantic at first, but eventually it would be weird--just too much too soon. I''ve had it happen with a guy before, and I had to stop taking his calls because he just really started to turn me off. And once you get that feeling, you can''t reverse it. It''s there, gnawing at you. And when you finally call it off you are relieved and have no regrets.

So, I''m glad that you were honest with yourself. I just hope you don''t go back to the ex that can''t give you what you want! After meeting a guy who is too eager, it may be nice to "chase" again, but I hope you up and move to Chicago instead. I just think it''s a whole new world you haven''t explored.

 

[lilyfoot]

Starset, I was, and still am, rooting for you to find true happiness throughout this entire thread.

You''re in my thoughts!

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:02:53 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I do see why this is so hard for him. This probably precipitated my chickened-out phone call way of handling this instead of what? Not coming at all last weekend? Driving up Saturday morning with a conversation agenda? Plus I really was giving it one last trial before making a decision that would be hard to take back.

The Whirlwind factor. I''ve known that the idea of what was going on here was crazy. If you wrote him on paper I still contend he is perfect for me. After all the bull$#!$ I''ve been through in my past three relationships it was nice to not have to drag someone along and constantly try to guess what their intentions were going to be in the end. I thought, just maybe, because it is 180o different from everything I am used to, it just might be crazy enough to work. Obviously having all those common interests/thoughts/beliefs is a good thing, but that doesn''t change the fact that we were moving too fast. Knowing what you want and going for it is good, but not letting things move at a reasonable pace isn''t. I tried keeping my emotions restrained, but like Deco said, I didn''t want to kick romantic love in the shins either.

Now I''m left with the aftermath. I''m supposed to be giving it one last thought. His reasoning is 20 years from now, do I still like him? is he a good husband? does he treat me like I deserve? do we have fun? is he a good father? did he always provide for us? do I stimulate your intelligence? your sense of humor? blah blah blah Yes. All of those things might be true. Maybe this is coming from someone who knows he has a lot to offer but doesn''t necessarily appeal to the majority of females.

In the end I have to break this off. With the proper compassion and finality it deserves.

He answered all of those questions for you? If I remember correctly from reading your posts... You said you really only have fun when you are doing something, not just hanging out. That makes me think he isn''t stimulating your intellingence enough to keep you interested. You also said doesn''t really make you laugh.. It''s been six weeks and you''re already thinking you don''t like him.. That''s not looking too good for the questions he is asking!

I have been following this thread and rooting for you but I think you will find a much better man one day..One that doesn''t have to convince you that he is a better man. I was with a guy for a year (why?? I don''t know!) that sounds a lot like him (repetition and speed as well!!!!) and when I broke up with him it was COMPLETELY out of the blue for him even though everyone else in our lives knew it was over. The conversations about problems completely went over his head. He was after a wife and that''s it. His friends were all married/getting married and he was the "single" one.. Never one to be left out, he was determined to make a wife happen regardless of what kind of connection there was. I know there are guys out there who are not just after a wife but after the whole relationship so don''t give up!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 4/27/2010 2:02:53 PM
Author: Starset Princess

In the end I have to break this off. With the proper compassion and finality it deserves.

And with the directness that may not have been present up to now.

From reading your earlier comments, I see that he heard "I can''t put a finger on it, but something is missing" and your letter said "something is missing and I don''t know why."

I infer from this that he either thinks your trying to figure it out (i.e. maybe all is not lost yet) or that you may be having cold feet, which is why I feel he may have come to see if he could reassure you.

I know you''re trying to be kind to him, but sometimes a message has to be very definitive when it isn''t the one he hopes to hear. He feels that 20 years from now, all the things that he''s brought to the table will be more important in the grand scheme than what you don''t have now. He needs to hear that all of those things are only part of the equation, but they aren''t enough. There has to be chemistry, and when things are right, getting to know someone better increases the chemistry, not decreases.

He needs to hear that this isn''t a problem that is going to change with thought. You are not feeling the chemistry that is important, and thinking isn''t going to fix that. He needs to hear it and accept it.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I agree with Allison - I''m sorry this didn''t work out, but he needs to hear VERY clearly that you do not want him anymore! apologies if you have since done that. I hope your next relationship is the perfect one!

 

[decodelighted]

Clarity = "I don''t want to see you anymore. Do not contact me again."

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:43:17 PM
Author: decodelighted
Clarity = ''I don''t want to see you anymore. Do not contact me again.''

Yes, yes, yes. Don''t include any "I think" or "I feel" or anything like that .. just straight facts!

 

[treefrog]

Date: 4/27/2010 11:43:17 PM
Author: decodelighted
Clarity = ''I don''t want to see you anymore. Do not contact me again.''

You are absolutely right Allison and decodelighted. As the token guy here, I must say this is clear and there is no need to read between the lines. This reinforces what I wrote earlier about men not being able to read between the lines and that we see colors as "red" versus shades like scarlet.

Much of anything short of this and most guys would see a door left partially open; particularly when they are that emotionally invested. You don''t hate the guy though so some sugar coating would be nice like "You''re a great guy and I enjoyed our time together but, after giving this a lot of thought, I just don''t see a future between us. I''m sorry but I don''t want to see you anymore and I have to put an end to our relationship."

It works. Trust me.

Treefrog

 

[Erin]

He got me a stuffed animal for Easter. This morning he wrote it an email and told it to tell me Hi.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

uh.....

 

[Erin]

LOL - it''s okay Hudson.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

sorry, at a loss for words (surprising, I know).

So did you reply?

 

[Erin]

No way on Earth.

 

[janinegirly]

Yikes, creep + denial factor has gone up.

I would now go for the absolute direct approach as treefrog describes. Honesty is necessary for a reason.

I hope you don''t go back to the ex though. Start fresh!!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/28/2010 9:33:38 AM
Author: Starset Princess
He got me a stuffed animal for Easter. This morning he wrote it an email and told it to tell me Hi.

Seriously? How old is this guy again? Cuz if he's over the age of 5, this is just weird as all hell.

Is there any chance you can change your email address, etc, Starset? ETA: Or just block him?

 

[treefrog]

Uhhhhh... um... uhhh...

I didn''t see a denial poster. How about this: