I just wanna say -- the random comments thread

[star sparkle]

IDK Star. I don't want to be the drama queen in here but what he's doing is not cool. He met a brand new person you have never heard of and is spending the time he has with you talking and meeting up with her. Not cool at all. Do you know if she knows about you? How long have you guys been together?

fiery, I don't know how long they've known each other or anything else about their "friendship." I also don't know if she knows about me, that's one of the questions I was planning on asking him when I talked to him.

We've only been together for 5 months and I know that's not very long, but that doesn't minimize the hurt. We've been exclusive since like day 2 of dating, and things with us moved relatively quickly. We both have keys to each others' places, we're free to come and go as we please from each, and he's never done anything to make me question my trust in him until now.

And if it makes a difference, I'm 25 and he's 31.

 

[missy]

Hey Star,

So sorry you are going through this and you hit the nail on the head with what you wrote here:

His doing it behind my back raises a bunch of flags and makes me feel like I can't trust what he tells me anymore

There very well may have been nothing untoward going on. However, the fact that he lied to you about seeing her for lunch and did it behind your back is a very bad sign. I would definitely discuss this with him but perhaps wait till you could do it in person as on the phone is not as good. You want to look in his eyes and see his reactions and if he gets defensive etc.

Try not to get too upset at this juncture. Like TG I have a rule with my dh too. That rule is you must never ever lie to me no matter what. I don't care how upset something will make me it will make me that much more upset if you lie to me about it. Trust is a biggie in relationships and once it is broken it is hard to regain.

Good luck and hang in there.

Big hugs!

 

[Strawdermangrl]

IDK Star. I don't want to be the drama queen in here but what he's doing is not cool. He met a brand new person you have never heard of and is spending the time he has with you talking and meeting up with her. Not cool at all. Do you know if she knows about you? How long have you guys been together?

fiery, I don't know how long they've known each other or anything else about their "friendship." I also don't know if she knows about me, that's one of the questions I was planning on asking him when I talked to him.

We've only been together for 5 months and I know that's not very long, but that doesn't minimize the hurt. We've been exclusive since like day 2 of dating, and things with us moved relatively quickly. We both have keys to each others' places, we're free to come and go as we please from each, and he's never done anything to make me question my trust in him until now.

And if it makes a difference, I'm 25 and he's 31.

If there is anything I know, it is just like TG said- it can happen fast and everything is left smoking in the end. Star- honey, talk to him- you know him best and time together doesn't matter because feelings can be real quickly. Also, age, as much as you would hope carries some sort of significance, it doesn't always. Do you know much about his last relationships? That might give you a little more insight, too.

ETA: How did you find out that he had lunch with her vs. the whole errands thing? And didn't he tell you he was enjoying time to 'himself to unwind?'

 

[star sparkle]

Hey Star,

So sorry you are going through this and you hit the nail on the head with what you wrote here:

His doing it behind my back raises a bunch of flags and makes me feel like I can't trust what he tells me anymore

There very well may have been nothing untoward going on. However, the fact that he lied to you about seeing her for lunch and did it behind your back is a very bad sign. I would definitely discuss this with him but perhaps wait till you could do it in person as on the phone is not as good. You want to look in his eyes and see his reactions and if he gets defensive etc.

Try not to get too upset at this juncture. Like TG I have a rule with my dh too. That rule is you must never ever lie to me no matter what. I don't care how upset something will make me it will make me that much more upset if you lie to me about it. Trust is a biggie in relationships and once it is broken it is hard to regain.

Good luck and hang in there.

Big hugs!

missy, I totally understand the whole premise that it's better to have this type of conversation in person, but I honestly don't think I can wait until Saturday. It would gnaw at me all week and there's no way I'd be able to talk him until then as if everything is happy-go-lucky and wonderful. I don't necessarily WANT to have this convo on the phone, but I don't feel like I have any other choice.

 

[fieryred33143]

IDK Star. I don't want to be the drama queen in here but what he's doing is not cool. He met a brand new person you have never heard of and is spending the time he has with you talking and meeting up with her. Not cool at all. Do you know if she knows about you? How long have you guys been together?

fiery, I don't know how long they've known each other or anything else about their "friendship." I also don't know if she knows about me, that's one of the questions I was planning on asking him when I talked to him.

We've only been together for 5 months and I know that's not very long, but that doesn't minimize the hurt. We've been exclusive since like day 2 of dating, and things with us moved relatively quickly. We both have keys to each others' places, we're free to come and go as we please from each, and he's never done anything to make me question my trust in him until now.

And if it makes a difference, I'm 25 and he's 31.

Oh, of course it doesn't minimize the hurt! I was just wondering if this is the first time something like this has happened. In longer relationships, you tend to come across these things and have already discussed what would make everyone feel more comfortable in these scenarios. The more appropriate question would have been whether you have discussed these types of issues in the past, sorry.

It may be nothing but if she's texting him this much, there's a big possibility that she's the one who is interested. Either way, if he is commited to this relationship, he needs to set the boundaries. I agree that a conversation face to face would be better but I also know there's no way I would be able to hold off for a week myself.

I've realized over the years that men are sometimes really clueless when it comes to motives. I don't want to generalize but usually when a guy is interested, you know. They're pretty clear. When a girl is interested, it's so subtle that usually only other women can pick up on the clues. (I know I'm generalizing!)

 

[star sparkle]

If there is anything I know, it is just like TG said- it can happen fast and everything is left smoking in the end. Star- honey, talk to him- you know him best and time together doesn't matter because feelings can be real quickly. Also, age, as much as you would hope carries some sort of significance, it doesn't always. Do you know much about his last relationships? That might give you a little more insight, too.

ETA: How did you find out that he had lunch with her vs. the whole errands thing? And didn't he tell you he was enjoying time to 'himself to unwind?'

Regarding last relationships, I know that he's been cheated on twice. One of those times was by a girl he had been with for 2+ years. I also know how hurt he was by that and from what I know of him he seems to find cheating absolutely deplorable.

As for how I found out, well, that's something I'm not entirely proud of. I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I snooped his phone this morning while he was in the shower. I know I probably shouldn't have, and I've never even considered doing it before, but at least a part of me feels vindicated since it turns out my intuition wasn't off.

And yes, he did say he was unwinding by himself. That's another things that compounds the issue for me.

 

[star sparkle]

It may be nothing but if she's texting him this much, there's a big possibility that she's the one who is interested. Either way, if he is commited to this relationship, he needs to set the boundaries. I agree that a conversation face to face would be better but I also know there's no way I would be able to hold off for a week myself.

I've realized over the years that men are sometimes really clueless when it comes to motives. I don't want to generalize but usually when a guy is interested, you know. They're pretty clear. When a girl is interested, it's so subtle that usually only other women can pick up on the clues. (I know I'm generalizing!)

I agree with all of this. I'm just a little afraid of talking to him about it because I think he's going to perceive it as me telling him he shouldn't have friends of his own or hang out with his own friends. He's fiercely independent in that respect, and I think he's going to misunderstand what I'm trying to convey and it'll blow up into a huge fight.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

If there is anything I know, it is just like TG said- it can happen fast and everything is left smoking in the end. Star- honey, talk to him- you know him best and time together doesn't matter because feelings can be real quickly. Also, age, as much as you would hope carries some sort of significance, it doesn't always. Do you know much about his last relationships? That might give you a little more insight, too.

ETA: How did you find out that he had lunch with her vs. the whole errands thing? And didn't he tell you he was enjoying time to 'himself to unwind?'

Regarding last relationships, I know that he's been cheated on twice. One of those times was by a girl he had been with for 2+ years. I also know how hurt he was by that and from what I know of him he seems to find cheating absolutely deplorable.

As for how I found out, well, that's something I'm not entirely proud of. I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I snooped his phone this morning while he was in the shower. I know I probably shouldn't have, and I've never even considered doing it before, but at least a part of me feels vindicated since it turns out my intuition wasn't off.

And yes, he did say he was unwinding by himself. That's another things that compounds the issue for me.

I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach very well and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it. In my experience, my intuition has never been off. I hope, for your sake that everything that happened was innocent, but I think he has some major 'splainin to do. I understand the need to talk to him tonight, I wouldn't be able to wait either. Huge, huge hugs, star sparkle.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

If there is anything I know, it is just like TG said- it can happen fast and everything is left smoking in the end. Star- honey, talk to him- you know him best and time together doesn't matter because feelings can be real quickly. Also, age, as much as you would hope carries some sort of significance, it doesn't always. Do you know much about his last relationships? That might give you a little more insight, too.

ETA: How did you find out that he had lunch with her vs. the whole errands thing? And didn't he tell you he was enjoying time to 'himself to unwind?'

Regarding last relationships, I know that he's been cheated on twice. One of those times was by a girl he had been with for 2+ years. I also know how hurt he was by that and from what I know of him he seems to find cheating absolutely deplorable.

As for how I found out, well, that's something I'm not entirely proud of. I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I snooped his phone this morning while he was in the shower. I know I probably shouldn't have, and I've never even considered doing it before, but at least a part of me feels vindicated since it turns out my intuition wasn't off.

And yes, he did say he was unwinding by himself. That's another things that compounds the issue for me.

Don't beat yourself up, I mean in some ways that is kind of liberating esp. if it is in the preservation mode- he wasn't easing your worry with his words, you got the answers you needed. I am not going to say I haven't done the same thing, I have. My ex cheated on me and I found out because I was going through his phone. I had a feeling and I couldn't get it out of my head, his stories weren't making sense and I just had this nagging suspicion. Not a proud moment but I am damn happy I found out before I married the guy.

Either way, you aren't going to feel better until you talk to him about it. Be it face to face or over the phone, that is your call but I think that you need to take what he says carefully, trust your gut above all- funny how sometimes you just know already. Trust is something that once shattered makes people a shaky, confused and doubting mess. Trust me, I have been there- it is the only true thing that you have in life and it shouldn't be taken lightly. I would also find out how these two met, just in case. XOXOX. Chin up, everything happens for a reason.

 

[star sparkle]

I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach very well and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it. In my experience, my intuition has never been off. I hope, for your sake that everything that happened was innocent, but I think he has some major 'splainin to do. I understand the need to talk to him tonight, I wouldn't be able to wait either. Huge, huge hugs, star sparkle.

Thanks, OUpeargirl. It may seem silly, but I'm glad to know that my feelings are justified and that I'm not just acting like a crazed, jealous girlfriend.

 

[star sparkle]

Don't beat yourself up, I mean in some ways that is kind of liberating esp. if it is in the preservation mode- he wasn't easing your worry with his words, you got the answers you needed. I am not going to say I haven't done the same thing, I have. My ex cheated on me and I found out because I was going through his phone. I had a feeling and I couldn't get it out of my head, his stories weren't making sense and I just had this nagging suspicion. Not a proud moment but I am damn happy I found out before I married the guy.

Either way, you aren't going to feel better until you talk to him about it. Be it face to face or over the phone, that is your call but I think that you need to take what he says carefully, trust your gut above all- funny how sometimes you just know already. Trust is something that once shattered makes people a shaky, confused and doubting mess. Trust me, I have been there- it is the only true thing that you have in life and it shouldn't be taken lightly. I would also find out how these two met, just in case. XOXOX. Chin up, everything happens for a reason.

Literally! I've been shaking and my heart has been hammering all morning since he left.

The thing is, before this, he's been nothing but a great boyfriend. He's gone a lot for work and we both have extremely hectic schedules, but I truly value the time we spend together and I have no doubt that he loves me. I've been engaged in the past and that relationship didn't work out, and I've had relationships before and since then, but this one just seemed different.

 

[April20]

Starsparkle:

Be up front and honest with him. NO drama. At all.

Tell him you know, ask him why he felt it necessary to keep it from you. Ask him why he feels it is okay to text with her while he is with you. It isn't a question of you trusting him - - until he deliberately didn't tell you about lunch - - it is a question of his being completely impolite and oblivious to your feelings. Or maybe he doesn't care if he is impolite or seemingly oblivious to your feelings.

If you don't like his responses, then review your options. And, yes, it is ALWAYS an option to make him an ex-BF. Always.

This.

Double this.

I don't believe it's possible for a people of the opposite sex to have close friendships once they are involved with someone. It just doesn't work. If this friendship was as innocent as he's leading you to believe, then he wouldn't have felt the need to hide meeting her for lunch from you. He would have either a) invited you along or b) told you about it.

I'm not one for sharing. DH has female friends that he's had for years. When we were dating- and now that we're married- he DID NOT and DOES NOT text/call them without a purpose and doesn't hang out with them without me. That's just how it goes.

 

[missy]

Star, I totally understand the need to speak with him about this as soon as possible and though not ideal I think for sure you should clear the air over the phone if need be. However, no matter what he says it is not acceptable for him to deceive you and lie to you whatever the reason in his mind is. Make sure he understands this. A man who lies to you is one who doesn't have enough respect for you to tell the truth (I am generalizing here) and make that clear to him. You respect yourself and he better damn well respect you too or else out to the curb he goes. It makes me furious for you because no excuse makes lying acceptable and as long as he gets that then you can go on from here. As long as the motives were/are innocent on his part that is.

Good luck!

 

[star sparkle]

OK, so we talked. Didn't have long because he had to get on another flight, but it was better than nothing.

It started out how I thought..he misinterpreted what I was trying to say, things got a little heated, and then it calmed down. Ultimately, he said that he wasn't trying to keep anything from me, that he thought he had mentioned to me that he was "going to lunch," but that he didn't think he needed to tell me with whom because he didn't think it mattered. He said sorry, and that it wasn't his intention to do anything behind my back.

He sounded sincere and his apologies seemed real, but I don't think there's any way to know for certain.

 

[missy]

I'm glad you were able to speak with him Sparkle and I hope you feel better.
I would suggest that when he gets back from the trip for you both to have a heart to heart about what you expect in a relationship and find out what the deal breakers are for both of you as well. This is the perfect time to find out what each of you need and want in your relationship.

 

[star sparkle]

I'm glad you were able to speak with him Sparkle and I hope you feel better.
I would suggest that when he gets back from the trip for you both to have a heart to heart about what you expect in a relationship and find out what the deal breakers are for both of you as well. This is the perfect time to find out what each of you need and want in your relationship.

Thanks, I do feel a little better, even if I still have some lingering doubts and such.

I agree, we do need to sit down and talk. We talk about individual issues as they arise (and they DO arise, we don't have one of these totally-easy-fight-free relationships) but we've never had a general, all-encompassing heart to heart like you mentioned above.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

OK, so we talked. Didn't have long because he had to get on another flight, but it was better than nothing.

It started out how I thought..he misinterpreted what I was trying to say, things got a little heated, and then it calmed down. Ultimately, he said that he wasn't trying to keep anything from me, that he thought he had mentioned to me that he was "going to lunch," but that he didn't think he needed to tell me with whom because he didn't think it mattered. He said sorry, and that it wasn't his intention to do anything behind my back.

He sounded sincere and his apologies seemed real, but I don't think there's any way to know for certain.

Glad to hear you talked, I am sure he will call you when he gets wherever he is going and you will both have a good chat about it all. Let us know what happens, have a good rest of the day doll!

 

[star sparkle]

Glad to hear you talked, I am sure he will call you when he gets wherever he is going and you will both have a good chat about it all. Let us know what happens, have a good rest of the day doll!

I know he'll call when he gets there, crappy thing is that he'll be landing only a little while before I catch a flight as well to somewhere else. Then once I arrive at my destination, he'll be asleep because he'll be on the east coast and me on the west.

We probably won't get another chance to have a real conversation until he gets back as we're both traveling for work this week, and that gets kinda hectic. I'm glad I was able to talk to him before our week of craziness started.

 

[star sparkle]

I want to say thanks to everyone who posted and shared their thoughts with me. You truly helped keep me sane over the last couple hours and the things you said were all pretty much what I had been thinking as well and just wasn't articulate enough at the time to express myself. If I could give you all hugs, I totally would!

This is definitely not over, but getting the ball rolling is often the hardest part and I don't think I could have gotten through it as gracefully as I did (even though it wasn't very graceful at all!) without your support and words of encouragement. Thank you so much!!

 

[dragonfly411]

I'm Hungry.

It's perfect weather for curling up in a window with a book.

I have a new love for Josh Brolin and it is ridiculous. Think Young Riders era Josh.

I want a unicorn.

 

[princesss]

I'm Hungry.

It's perfect weather for curling up in a window with a book.

I have a new love for Josh Brolin and it is ridiculous. Think Young Riders era Josh.

I want a unicorn.

DF, that last line is code in my department for "Never going to happen, so get over it."

"Oh, you want these delivered in 3 weeks? Well, I want a unicorn."

 

[Strawdermangrl]

I had a venti coffee today and topped that off with a HUGE lo-carb Monster. To say I am 'hyped' is the understatement of the year, I feel like I might get up and dance to the music in my office. I am superbly hyper today.

DF- I, too, would like a unicorn. Or a pony with a fake horn, I am willing to accept this as well.

 

[kama_s]

I had something very weird happen to me today. So, well, I am close to ovulating and my MIL has been with us for the past week in our condo. You know what that means.

This morning I was on the train to work, I shut my eyes and was listening to some really sexy music (dark, and psychedelic). Obviously it made me feel quite . Anyways, I approached my destination and opened my eyes and as soon as I opened my eyes I saw this guy staring at me with a smirk on his face. That look on his face made me feel naked, violated and very embarassed, like as though he read what was going on in my mind (very dirty thoughts, if you must know).

I wasn't sitting inappropriately or had a zipper/button undone - sitting with my legs crossed and perfectly still, but with my eyes closed.

It was just so damn weird.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

I had something very weird happen to me today. So, well, I am close to ovulating and my MIL has been with us for the past week in our condo. You know what that means.

This morning I was on the train to work, I shut my eyes and was listening to some really sexy music (dark, and psychedelic). Obviously it made me feel quite . Anyways, I approached my destination and opened my eyes and as soon as I opened my eyes I saw this guy staring at me with a smirk on his face. That look on his face made me feel naked, violated and very embarassed, like as though he read what was going on in my mind (very dirty thoughts, if you must know).

I wasn't sitting inappropriately or had a zipper/button undone - sitting with my legs crossed and perfectly still, but with my eyes closed.

It was just so damn weird.

This kind of thing makes me wonder if there are some peeps that CAN read minds...but more logically, I think you probably just put off a confident/'I know I am a hottie' vibe and that is most likely what homeskillet was feeding off of. Sorry he made you feel that way, it would have been nice to just get a smile or something or a compliment...

 

[kama_s]

Indeed! I think my impression was influenced by all the dirtiness going on in my head. I felt like he could WATCH me while I did stuff in my mind, if you get my drift. So bizarre. MIL leaves today, so well, yeah...

 

[Strawdermangrl]

HAHAHAHAH- awesome. bow chicka bow bow.

 

[kama_s]

 

[dragonfly411]

LOL

 

[dragonfly411]

Strawder - I could totally oblige the pony with a fake horn for a fee. I have one in my pasture, I can just add the horn.

 

[purselover]

My old employer just filed for chapter 11 again, and I'm secretly glad - it was not a pleasant place to work, and it ultimately turned me away from the industry I started out in.