I need some encouragment - big time.

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/14/2009 9:28:33 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/13/2009 11:47:43 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/13/2009 11:32:43 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 1/13/2009 11:24:03 PM
Author: joflier
I''ve been on the phone pretty much continuously since I first made this post a few hours ago, so I haven''t checked it until now. Wow. I''m just so overwhelmed by all the responses. Thank you so much to all of you. You truely mean so much to me. PS means so much to me. I want to write more to you all indiviually, and I will when I have some more time and energy. Right now I''m just very drained. Emotionally and physically. We met at his attorney today, and basically ended up with him pressuring me to sign papers asap without even consulting my own attorney. I''m trying to not cave to all these guilt trips. But its hard. I''m meeting with someone hopefully later this week to give me some advisement. Big hugs and thank you to all of you!

Jo, I know you already know this, but I just have to say it anyway: DON''T DO IT!!!!!!!

You are entitled to get the opinion of your own attorney before signing anything, and you absolutely should do so. If C has nothing to hide, he won''t mind, right?????

More ((((HUGS)))) and please know that we''re all thinking about you!

Ditto. Don''t sign anything without consulting your own attorney. There is no RUSH. Take your time review all papers, etc... with full council. HUGS and please know we are here for you.....

A BIG thritto. Be strong, though I''m sure it''s hard. You have to look out for YOU now sweetie. Hang in there!

And I am also so sorry to hear this. {{{big hugs}}}

Yup, I am going to have to echo this. I know how difficult this is but the bottom line is, it doesn''t matter what circumstances have led you both to this point, you NEED someone to look after your intentions and stand by YOUR side. Do not even speak to his lawyer until you have an attorney that is aware of your situation. Give yourself time to find someone who is going to be there for you, it does not need to be the first lawyer you meet.

I am so sorry.

 

[joflier]

Ok. I''m going to start responding to each of you, but it''ll take me some time. C and I were on the phone for some time last night. And basically he''s saying that, I can consult an attorney, but if these papers aren''t signed by the end of the week, he''s not going to be able to close on some properties, and get the money out for them, so then I get no settlement, because of his business debts, and he''s going to take half the house, and then make me liable for 1/2 of his debts, which would be a financial hole that I doubt I could ever dig out of. There''s just so much to this. I have an appt. with an attorney Friday morning.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Oh honey, I am so so sorry. Big hugs, huge hugs. I cannot imagine how hard it must be, considering you admitted it came about quickly...please know, you have my unending support...

ETA: Just read your posting above my comment...

First, tell him to take his threats and shove em'. Maybe that's less than lady-like, and I certainly don't know your situation, but this whole "divorce" things is far too new to be signing anything on a lick and a promise. You need to find someone who will pitbull for you and make sure that you're taken care of--whatever that means to you personally, screw his timeline and threats. Your marriage didn't come together over night, and nor can be stripped to the studs overnight either. You're far to emotional and physically drained and tired to be making big time, forever decisions...hire a lawyer, and do what is best for you (he and his wants can get you-know-what'd).

Oh, and be sure to "thank" him for his permission to speak with an attorney. LOL. Men.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Date: 1/14/2009 10:23:38 AM
Author: joflier
Ok. I''m going to start responding to each of you, but it''ll take me some time. C and I were on the phone for some time last night. And basically he''s saying that, I can consult an attorney, but if these papers aren''t signed by the end of the week, he''s not going to be able to close on some properties, and get the money out for them, so then I get no settlement, because of his business debts, and he''s going to take half the house, and then make me liable for 1/2 of his debts, which would be a financial hole that I doubt I could ever dig out of. There''s just so much to this. I have an appt. with an attorney Friday morning.

Are you an owner of the business too?

 

[Loves Vintage]

Date: 1/14/2009 10:32:10 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Oh honey, I am so so sorry. Big hugs, huge hugs. I cannot imagine how hard it must be, considering you admitted it came about quickly...please know, you have my unending support...

ETA: Just read your posting above my comment...

First, tell him to take his threats and shove em'. Maybe that's less than lady-like, and I certainly don't know your situation, but this whole 'divorce' things is far too new to be signing anything on a lick and a promise. You need to find someone who will pitbull for you and make sure that you're taken care of--whatever that means to you personally, screw his timeline and threats. Your marriage didn't come together over night, and nor can be stripped to the studs overnight either. You're far to emotional and physically drained and tired to be making big time, forever decisions...hire a lawyer, and do what is best for you (he and his wants can get f******).

Agree 100%. Very well put, Italiahaircolor!!!

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/14/2009 10:38:29 AM
Author: Loves Vintage

Date: 1/14/2009 10:23:38 AM
Author: joflier
Ok. I'm going to start responding to each of you, but it'll take me some time. C and I were on the phone for some time last night. And basically he's saying that, I can consult an attorney, but if these papers aren't signed by the end of the week, he's not going to be able to close on some properties, and get the money out for them, so then I get no settlement, because of his business debts, and he's going to take half the house, and then make me liable for 1/2 of his debts, which would be a financial hole that I doubt I could ever dig out of. There's just so much to this. I have an appt. with an attorney Friday morning.

Are you an owner of the business too?

As far as I know, no, I am not. But Wisconsin is a complete 50/50 state for marital property and assets if the parties can't reach an agreement.....its my understanding that that applies to everything, reguardless of whose name is attached to what.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Date: 1/14/2009 10:44:24 AM
Author: joflier

Date: 1/14/2009 10:38:29 AM
Author: Loves Vintage

Date: 1/14/2009 10:23:38 AM
Author: joflier
Ok. I'm going to start responding to each of you, but it'll take me some time. C and I were on the phone for some time last night. And basically he's saying that, I can consult an attorney, but if these papers aren't signed by the end of the week, he's not going to be able to close on some properties, and get the money out for them, so then I get no settlement, because of his business debts, and he's going to take half the house, and then make me liable for 1/2 of his debts, which would be a financial hole that I doubt I could ever dig out of. There's just so much to this. I have an appt. with an attorney Friday morning.

Are you an owner of the business too?

As far as I know, no, I am not. But Wisconsin is a complete 50/50 state if the parties can't reach an agreement.....

You will more than likely reach an agreement in due time, but you need a lawyer to look into issues like this for you.

ETA: I saw your update. I could see the 50/50 applying to owned property, but not sure about business debts. A friend of mine was responsible for some of her ex-H's business debts but only because she put that debt on her personal credit card (in her name only!) because he could not get credit otherwise (!!!!). He had other business debt, for which she was not liable, b/c it was the debt of the company that she did not own. This was in a different state, but still, my point is not to give legal advice, but to emphasize that you really do need to have this properly evaluated by someone working on your behalf.

 

[joflier]

Thank you so much for the hugs Redrose229 and panda08.

Thanks Steph72276. This is a great place for encouragement, isn''t it?

Princess and Kaleigh, thank you gals for your words of support. I need it, I really do!

Dixie94 - Thanks for your words. And I imagine your right. We are so much stronger than we realize. And that''s what helped me make this decision. I woke up one morning, and it came to me. Jodi - you are strong, and you can do this. And I''m really glad I had this great revelation, because when I came back to my house after he moved out, and realized there was almost NOTHING left, I thought......well Jodi, good thing your strong, cuz otherwise, you might be feeling a little bit down and out right now! (i''m making a lame attempt at humor there)

Tuckin1 and Moviezombie - thanks for your encouragment. I appreciate it so much!

Coati - Thanks dear. You''ve been such a wondreful friend to me here, and I''m so grateful for you. And yes, I probably will need a virtual shoulder to cry on from time to time here. Thanks again for your kindness.

Kittybean - its ok not to have any words of wisdom. I often don''t myself, but its nice just to hear positive thoughts.

Well, back to work for a bit. I''ll get to some more a little later on.

 

[gemgirl]

Be strong, you can get through this. It''s going to hurt like hell for a while, but in the end you''ll be a stronger and smarter woman. My prayers are yours during this very difficult time. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/14/2009 10:44:24 AM
Author: joflier

Date: 1/14/2009 10:38:29 AM
Author: Loves Vintage

Date: 1/14/2009 10:23:38 AM
Author: joflier
Ok. I'm going to start responding to each of you, but it'll take me some time. C and I were on the phone for some time last night. And basically he's saying that, I can consult an attorney, but if these papers aren't signed by the end of the week, he's not going to be able to close on some properties, and get the money out for them, so then I get no settlement, because of his business debts, and he's going to take half the house, and then make me liable for 1/2 of his debts, which would be a financial hole that I doubt I could ever dig out of. There's just so much to this. I have an appt. with an attorney Friday morning.

Are you an owner of the business too?

As far as I know, no, I am not. But Wisconsin is a complete 50/50 state for marital property and assets if the parties can't reach an agreement.....its my understanding that that applies to everything, reguardless of whose name is attached to what.

You need an attorney! Don't even talk to him anymore until you have amazing repersenation. He's not fighting fair...if Wisconsin splits things 50/50 then you're going to get something, for him to tell you otherwise is wishful thinking on his part ... and if he's in such a mad dash to get these properties, then tell him you'll move forward with that as if you were husband and wife, but you're not signing anything divorce related until you better understand the situation. Period.

 

[Erin]

Date: 1/14/2009 10:56:56 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
You need an attorney! Don''t even talk to him anymore until you have amazing repersenation. He''s not fighting fair...if Wisconsin splits things 50/50 then you''re going to get something, for him to tell you otherwise is wishful thinking on his part ... and if he''s in such a mad dash to get these properties, then tell him you''ll move forward with that as if you were husband and wife, but you''re not signing anything divorce related until you better understand the situation. Period.

Yeah ditto this.
I wouldn''t sign the divorce papers until you understood this little predicament he''s in. Perhaps signing divorce papers enables him share his losses not his fortune.
I''m not saying you should go after his money - not at all. Just protect yourself from inheriting undue debt.

When he hounds you about his timeline, which I imagine he will, I''d simply respond - it''s in my lawyer''s hands now, I''m following his/her advice.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/14/2009 11:06:01 AM
Author: Starset Princess

Date: 1/14/2009 10:56:56 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
You need an attorney! Don''t even talk to him anymore until you have amazing repersenation. He''s not fighting fair...if Wisconsin splits things 50/50 then you''re going to get something, for him to tell you otherwise is wishful thinking on his part ... and if he''s in such a mad dash to get these properties, then tell him you''ll move forward with that as if you were husband and wife, but you''re not signing anything divorce related until you better understand the situation. Period.

Yeah ditto this.
I wouldn''t sign the divorce papers until you understood this little predicament he''s in. Perhaps signing divorce papers enables him share his losses not his fortune.
I''m not saying you should go after his money - not at all. Just protect yourself from inheriting undue debt.

When he hounds you about his timeline, which I imagine he will, I''d simply respond - it''s in my lawyer''s hands now, I''m following his/her advice.

She should go after his money. Being married is hard work. She was right there with him the whole time he was earning "his money"...they were a partnership...50/50. Whats his is hers...so, I say bring it on!

 

[neatfreak]

I cannot agree with Italia more. This man is doing something very shady here and I don''t like it one bit. He''s trying to threaten you to sign papers that he claims are in your best interests? No way. I wouldn''t touch them with a 10 foot pole until you talk to a pitbull of an attorney.

 

[D2B]

I am so sorry for your news. As others have said, be strong, one day at a time, dont be hurried or bullied, the more he hurries you the more I would want to slow down to check things, get professional advice and remember, there is a shiny future waiting for you.

all the best
d2b

 

[decodelighted]

Its hard to see it now but this divorce could turn out to be one of the *best* things that''s ever happened to you. This is the guy you planned your wedding around his family''s needs before he even proposed. I imagine that''s the tip of his inconsiderate/self-centered/control-freak iceburg. The way he''s acting now is par for the course but now you know his deal -- STAND FIRM. Get to that lawyer asap. Maybe there''s one you can see sooner. Honestly, it may sound reactionary -- but I would not even be where he could find me in the next few days. Stress & being out of control for once can lead people to do crazy things. He sounds desperate. And that worries me.

Have you changed the locks? Can you stay with your family? Perhaps its an overreaction but I''d rather err on the side of safety. Everything else has been a surprise & out of the blue. He''s not proven to be very predictable.

Safety & peace dust coming your way.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so sorry to hear this! PLEASE take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, financially). Know we are all thinking of you.

 

[vespergirl]

First, I want to let you know that I''m sorry you''re going through this, but DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING ELSE!!! If you need to, you can find legal aid in your area - many lawyers volunteer their time to do pro bono work for those who do cannot afford an attorney. Your husband is probably lying to you, and taking advantage of you at a time of emotional weakness. Seriously, if you end up signing anything without consulting your attorney you may spend years regretting it.

I also just wanted to let you know that I am also divorced (and remarried) and my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. If I had stayed married to that zero, I would have never met & married my wonderful husband. So, I hope that you can look to the future and know that once the divorce is over with, you can find the happiness you deserve.

Good luck to you!

 

[monarch64]

Joflier, I just saw this...I''m so sorry to hear this news. I am going through a divorce myself, I left my husband in June last summer. My Who''s Who thread contains some discussion of my situation if you feel like reading it. I am not really in a place to offer legal advice as I am having some issues dealing with my own, but I can tell you that the emotional side of things DOES improve, you WILL be ok, and this can be a positive thing in your life once you get past all the initial b.s.

Big hugs to you, and please consult with an attorney before you sign anything. I haven''t signed a damn thing yet, and it''s been 6 months. Just spoke to him last night and now he''s going back on every agreement we made after my departure, which is really no big surprise. He''s just trying to drag things out because he sees now that I''m happy without him.

 

[joflier]

Skippy - Thanks for your giant hug!!! You are so special and kind. I know that in the realm of things, I''m not a long time member here, but PS is really important to me, and your thoughtful words truely made me smile. Thank you for that!

Lyra - One day at a time is exactly right. Those are some very true words. And that''s exactly what I''m doing.

Fieryred33143 - Thank you. It is theraputic, even if its only words typed ona keyboard.

Neatfreak - Thanks for your support and kindness! It means so much to me.

Ambergretchen - Thanks for the support and prayers. I''ll take all I can get!

Ericar - Thanks for your kind words. This is helping me so much. This is just so hard, but I am going to make!

Gayletmom - Thanks for your post. I''m trying to take care of myself. Before I actually got the words out, I was just suffering through this by myself, and I wasn''t sleeping, and losing so much weight. Now I hope that I can get my physical health turned around.

Octavia - Thanks too for your words of encouragement!

 

[Clio]

I''m so sorry! I agree with all of the advice above - find a good, assertive attorney and don''t let him bully you into anything.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/14/2009 11:17:25 AM
Author: neatfreak
I cannot agree with Italia more. This man is doing something very shady here and I don''t like it one bit. He''s trying to threaten you to sign papers that he claims are in your best interests? No way. I wouldn''t touch them with a 10 foot pole until you talk to a pitbull of an attorney.

DITTO.

 

[pennquaker09]

So sorry, I hope everything works out for the better. Sending you lots of hugs.

 

[allycat0303]

Joflier,

I am sure that you are a mature and intelligent girl. You MUST realize that this is a whole big pile of poop. Tell him you will sign his papers when YOU are ready. End of the story. You shouldn''t be worrying about what money he will be losing. It really is none of your concern. It stopped being you concern once divorce proceedings started. I am a little surprise that you even met with his attorney without representation of your own; I wouldn`t repeat that, because then they can double-team you. Your main priority should be making sure that you get what you deserve, regardless of how it turns out for him.

 

[joflier]

Newenglandlady - Thanks so much for the hugs! I''m so glad to have you all on my side!

Dancingfire - Thanks for the ginormous hug! You never fail to make me smile. Your wit and humor are such a big part of PS.

Linda - Thanks for your sweetness. I don''t know you very well, but I do know that your a very dear sweet woman.

Chiapet- Sorry to hear your going through this too. How are you doing? Are you still working through details, or just waiting for it to be finalized?

Burk - Thanks for the hugs friend!

Porridge - Thank you much for your kind words and support. Its just invaluable to me right now!

Luckystar112 - Thanks for your sweet words. I''ve enjoyed getting to know you hear. Your cliche''s are exactly that, but yes I do believe they ring very true! I really feel in my heart that this is the right decision, and that someday soon, I will be completely happy, and gratefuly to myself for doing this.

Oupear and Catmom and Natalina and Laineybugger- Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Platinumrock - Thank you for your thoughtful post. It was very touching to me. I guess it does take bravery to break away. To leave a comfort zone. Its scary, and hard, but I''m doing it. And I survived yesterday. I''m making it through today. And good chance, I''ll still be around tomorrow!

 

[rockzilla]

i am SO SO sorry you are going through this *hugs*

Please PLEASE do not sign anything until your OWN lawyer has gone through it with a fine tooth comb. Everything he is saying is raising red flags. So many women get absolutely screwed because they just want to get out of the relationship and not think about it anymore. You have to take the time and get a great lawyer.

 

[2Artists]

I am so sorry for the heartache you are going through. Try to find something no matter how tiny to look forward to every day. Like sitting in the sun for a few minutes, or watching something silly, cushy new socks- whatever feels loving to yourself. We are all here for you.

Big Hugs

Mrs.2Artists

 

[Bia]

My gosh...Im so sorry. I didn''t see this until just now.
As you can already see, we''re here for you...the whole way.

You''ll remain in my thoughts too, please know that...

 

[JSM]

joflier,

I''m sorry you are going through this. I know I don''t post often, but I wanted to say that I read your posts and I really admire your strength throughout your marriage. Your husband seems to have taken advantage of your kindness for some time now. I agree with the other ladies - don''t sign anything until your lawyer says so.

I wish the best of luck throughout this hard time, but you WILL make it through!

 

[princesss]

Oh, so many red flags going up right now. Listen to Italia. Screw his timeline. He didn''t pay attention to what you needed for the wedding date or holidays with family, he obviously puts himself as his only priority. My guess is something shady is going down and he doesn''t want you to catch wind of it. Fight it. Take your time.

And hire the fiercest, most hardcore lawyer you can. Seriously. The kind of lawyer that will have this guy waking up in a cold sweat. The kind of lawyer that strikes fear into other lawyers'' hearts.

You can do it. Put one foot in front of the other and walk. You will be okay. You''re strong. You''re wonderful. You are an amazing woman and you will come through this with your sanity and self worth intact.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 1/14/2009 11:30:38 AM
Author: decodelighted
Its hard to see it now but this divorce could turn out to be one of the *best* things that's ever happened to you. This is the guy you planned your wedding around his family's needs before he even proposed. I imagine that's the tip of his inconsiderate/self-centered/control-freak iceburg. The way he's acting now is par for the course but now you know his deal -- STAND FIRM. Get to that lawyer asap. Maybe there's one you can see sooner. Honestly, it may sound reactionary -- but I would not even be where he could find me in the next few days. Stress & being out of control for once can lead people to do crazy things. He sounds desperate. And that worries me.

Have you changed the locks? Can you stay with your family? Perhaps its an overreaction but I'd rather err on the side of safety. Everything else has been a surprise & out of the blue. He's not proven to be very predictable.

Safety & peace dust coming your way.

Ohhhhh, this is EXACTLY what I was thinking!!! I kept thinking, "This JERK basically dictated the details of Jo's wedding to her, which he had all figured out before he even proposed! I can just imagine how being married to him must have been!"

And whatever you do, DON'T buy his sad little sob story about how everything is going to fall apart with his business if you don't sign the divorce papers like yesterday. From what you said in your post, it sounds like he's trying to tell you that the lenders involved in these transactions will only approve him for a loan if he is divorced. That just doesn't happen. Lenders are usually much more inclined to DENY someone who is divorced, since there's only one income and no potential for a second income unless/until the person gets married. In fact, I would be surprised if C didn't give the lenders your income info in order to get approved for the loans in the first place! Definitely sounds like there's something shady going on here.

Jo, I know these words will sound hollow to you right now, but I think you'll find that this divorce is one of the best things that ever happened to you. I might be way off-base here (and if so I apologize), but I think C and my XH are very similar people. My XH was extremely controlling and abusive and it took me a long time to figure out that the problems in our relationship WEREN'T MY FAULT and that I deserved so much better. Trust me when I say that YOU DESERVE BETTER TOO!!! And I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but "better" IS out there. I promise. This isn't an ending for you . . . it's a new beginning!

Damn, I wish I could beat him up for you!!!