I was right... (update from I decided, I give up)

[marvel]

I see pie''s being served here...

 

[Mara]

meepcat, i know you are very new....but just because some people disagree with what you say and speak up about it, suddenly it's woe is me?

people have thought you abrasive in the past? wait, call me a snotty bitch again and then maybe i'll agree.

i luvs me some pie and slime!! don't worry deco, i still love you even though you are a taylor keylime lover accused of not being very smart.

 

[rainbowtrout]

deco, remind me not to piss you off....

I''m kind of with Mat although I don''t like to set up therapists as gods. I have one friend who had very good instincts spend years trying to council his girlfriend and anyone else who would listen and it always left people feeling like he didn''t know what the crap he was talking about, even if he was right. He is also given to meep''s kind of writing style, and is also a engineer, oddly enough.

There is something about the role of the therapist that allows them to be neutral; my understanding is that their role is often NOT to give explicit adivce. They also aren''t really "allowed" to get personal experience with their patients, I don''t belive?

 

[marvel]

Date: 4/25/2006 1:13:04 AM
Author: rainbowtrout
you people better behave or leonid''ll open a can of whoop-a** on us also known as lockiness.

btw, mara doesn''t usually go for the length so much, so I''m not sure there is so much of a horse to knock her off of...

oh, yeah...been there, done that!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/25/2006 2:10:30 AM
Author: rainbowtrout
deco, remind me not to piss you off....

Who me?

Naw ... I''m a softie really. Soft as KIWI!! Also, dumb. Dumb like rock.

(Thanks for the level-headed "different styles" shout out. Cute revolving avatars tonight, lady! For a while, I thought you''d made one of those "changing" ones Dancing Fire did during the great Avatar Change-up of 2006)

 

[Mara]

I say...LET THEM EAT PIE!!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/25/2006 2:09:56 AM
Author: Mara

don''t worry deco, i still love you even though you are a taylor keylime lover accused of not being very smart.

That''s KIWI, smartie. THIS IS WAR! Oh wait.

you too. (TAYLOR HICKS for Prezzzident

)

.... very quietly quakin'' in my pieshell ...

 

[MissAva]

Upon further review it seems it will be Mara turn to bake tonight...I seem to have forgotten to go get groceries again.


Now though I do think it would be fun to have a PS meeting with lots of homemade desserts...yummy!

 

[MissAva]

Date: 4/25/2006 2:09:56 AM
Author: Mara
i luvs me some pie and slime!!

PS Meeting..."Diamonds and Desserts" what a fun time that could me.

 

[rainbowtrout]

You guys are bad! My friend went out and got some cheese fries and pancakes and we ate it ALL...whew. Oh, the tummy...must not go to sleep, must not go to sleep.


thesis...THESIS. must-write-thesis.

sea bass?

thesis.

I am going to go insane. Whee!

Thanks deco, mum sent me some new pics of the kitten today. I was getting looping and thinking of trying all these different fish but the kitten won.

*cough* ETA: No, I don't have the munchies, unless typing-induced ones count....

 

[MissAva]

RT- you don''t have the munchies you have two of the symptoms of senioritis!

1) eating foods in odd combinations and in massive amounts at all hours
2) talking to yourself hoping to scare away journal articles and graphs

 

[Patchee]

Laurel wrote:- loser. i know you mentioned on another post his going out, etc.. he''s like an all-grown-up frat boy.

One thing he is not is a frat boy

He is not a bar hopper or someone who goes out without me, I am always included. We do everything included.. I would not date a 36 yr. old frat boy!

 

[Angela1977]

WHOA!!!!
Patchee...
So sorry this thread got hijacked, and got so incredibly out of hand. Why is everyone getting their noses so frickin' bent out of shape on here lately? *sigh* It's either that time of the month for everyone, or there's a global shortage of chocolate or something...jeez.
Patchee, you keep us posted on what you're doing, what you're feeling, how you're handling it. That's all this thread is supposed to be about...

 

[firebirdgold]

Hi Patchee, so sorry he hurt you.

Sorry am abrupt, very slow very $$ internet and running out of mins. sorry if repeat others or missed something.

Who cares why, ditch his a@@ as soon as you can move out. Too bad about apt renting but better thatthen stay. Remove finaces from joint to single, BEFORE telling him you are noving. Have everything lined up first, then tell as walking out door with kittens. who do not need a house.
Enjoy your trip. relax and plan out life with sis support.

-We''re rooting and praying for you.
Wren isgning out from Greece.Take care.

And why computer conf. at primitiave hotel???? grrrr

sorry.

 

[stermag]

I''ll make one observation. This was a thread started by Patchee. Patchee posted a question. Perhaps she just wanted a place to air her feelings, perhaps she hoped for advice, perhaps she was secretly hoping that someone would just change the subject to kiwi pie... (somehow I doubt it''s the latter).

Meep, regardless of the content of her responses, was directing them at Patchee. I won''t elaborate on whether I agree with everything, some or none of what she said. It is irrelevant. It wasn''t directed at me. What did come across very clearly is that she was sincere and thoughtful in her posts.

Whether people felt compelled to agree or disagree with her is of little consequence. A forum, by its pure definition, is a place that facilitates discussion. Any calls for killing the thread simply because the subject gets heated are weak. People throwing their weight around because they''re established members is also weak. Whether or not Meep is new around here has no influence on the validity of her opinion, nor on her responses.

The bottom line is Meep obviously put a lot of time and thought into her posts. I only hope that, should I ever have a story I wish to share with this forum, someone gives it half the thought she has.

There is some risk, I agree, in giving advice to people we don''t really know on situations we don''t really understand. What bothers me though is that very few people here seem to see and understand the risk of giving blanket, band-aid type advice ... such as "girl, you deserve better, leave him."

If anything, I see as much less dangerous a well thought-out, elaborate response that is transparrent in its intentions. Summarizing what is in all likelihood a very complex situation with one or two sentences followed by a quick conclusion seldom does anybody any real good, either.

While I, personally, have had experiences similar to Patchee''s, I honestly didn''t feel that my understanding of either my own experience, or hers, was sufficient to contribute anything apart for a quiet voice of support. If Meep felt compelled to share her experience in hopes of sheding a bit of light on the situation for Patchee, it was up to Patchee to judge her effort... not any of us.

 

[laurel_aurelia]

hi there patchee:

(i was kidding!)

i hope everything works out for you! i''m jealous of your vacation, but it sounds like right now you could use it more than i could! (i think your current story wins out over my "i''m already bored at work and it''s only 9:41".. so i''ll live vicariously through you.

 

[Angela1977]

Date: 4/25/2006 9:40:55 AM
Author: stermag
I''ll make one observation. This was a thread started by Patchee. Patchee posted a question. Perhaps she just wanted a place to air her feelings, perhaps she hoped for advice, perhaps she was secretly hoping that someone would just change the subject to kiwi pie... (somehow I doubt it''s the latter).

Meep, regardless of the content of her responses, was directing them at Patchee. I won''t elaborate on whether I agree with everything, some or none of what she said. It is irrelevant. It wasn''t directed at me. What did come across very clearly is that she was sincere and thoughtful in her posts.

Whether people felt compelled to agree or disagree with her is of little consequence. A forum, by its pure definition, is a place that facilitates discussion. Any calls for killing the thread simply because the subject gets heated are weak. People throwing their weight around because they''re established members is also weak. Whether or not Meep is new around here has no influence on the validity of her opinion, nor on her responses.

The bottom line is Meep obviously put a lot of time and thought into her posts. I only hope that, should I ever have a story I wish to share with this forum, someone gives it half the thought she has.

There is some risk, I agree, in giving advice to people we don''t really know on situations we don''t really understand. What bothers me though is that very few people here seem to see and understand the risk of giving blanket, band-aid type advice ... such as ''girl, you deserve better, leave him.''

If anything, I see as much less dangerous a well thought-out, elaborate response that is transparrent in its intentions. Summarizing what is in all likelihood a very complex situation with one or two sentences followed by a quick conclusion seldom does anybody any real good, either.

While I, personally, have had experiences similar to Patchee''s, I honestly didn''t feel that my understanding of either my own experience, or hers, was sufficient to contribute anything apart for a quiet voice of support. If Meep felt compelled to share her experience in hopes of sheding a bit of light on the situation for Patchee, it was up to Patchee to judge her effort... not any of us.

Excellent post.

While I feel Meep took it a little too personally and went over the top in defending herself against the attacks, the attacks should''ve never happened in the first place. Patchee had already said how Meep was helping her, and then suddenly Meep was being attacked for various reasons because people didn''t like what she was saying or how she was doing it. It was pretty judgemental and not in the spirit of the thread. The thread was about Patchee...end of story.

 

[Patchee]

At the same time, I don''t believe that attacking Patchee''s boyfriend or calling him names is the most effective way to deal with the situation. Patchee has been in a relationship with him for over two years. She has thought about marrying him. She''s seen sides of him that we haven''t and she''s stuck with him for some reason. A better course of action is to help her analyze what she needs and if he''s able to provide it, to kindly point out areas where his attitude shows a certain disrespect towards her. (I am perhaps sensitive to this because I used to be in a terrible relationship, and all of my friends kept correctly pointing out that he was a jerk who treated me like sh*t. I never listened.)

Thank you Blen! He is an amazing person! I am JUST seeing this side now of him .. all because I want to get married... sigh!!

Meep, you are my rock! I take EVERYTHING you say and tailor it into my own relationship ... because in many ways what you say fits into mine.... well.... now it does!

I had a conversation with my best buddy today, he is male and is 54 years old .. I had "potty mouth" with him and he said that, T was just wrong on how he came out with his feelings.. he should have told you sooner and that you (I) just need to move on asap...

Sad to think that this love is dying.. I don''t think T thinks it is though... I am a writer - I write better then I speak at times.. I wrote down lots of feelings to T, that I would like to give to him on Wed (tomorrow) before I leave for Florida I don''t want any answers from him .. just want him to read my hurts that he caused and what my feelings are now.. should I? Be a good idea? I just feel like I have nothing to lose anymore because it is lost..

You guys can hyjeck my threads anytime..

A little chocolate & lime with a mix of analysing and counseling is good ...

Laurel ... hehe ...

Today is another day of mixed emotions... weird .. why does he act like everything is ok between us, does he know there is a huge problem brewing here?

 

[jesterjigger]

Patchee...I''m really sorry this happened to you. I know you don''t want to rent, but I think the best thing for you would be to get out and completely out, fast. I ran into the same thing with my ex. We dated for a year and a half, six of those months long distance, and I don''t think he plans to get married for a very long time. He has no issues with seeing me, we psuedo dated for another six months after we broke up, me thinking that he would change his mind. And during that whole period he treated me like glass, which just made me think things were going well and he''d want to be with me again. But that wasn''t the case, so please don''t fall into that trap.

I highly recommend getting the book "He''s just not that into you". It sounds cliche, but it really opened my eyes and allowed me to really get over my ex and leave him behind.

Enjoy your vacation...but please consider moving out, even if it means renting for a little while.

 

[ephemery1]

Sorry for what you''re going through, Patchee... but you do come across as strong and level-headed about all this, and sometimes that''s the most valuable defense you''ve got. I''m gonna agree with the others who said that none of us know you or your situation, so it''s pretty hard to offer an in-depth analysis of your relationship that''d be both salient and accurate.

My initial thoughts? Either... 1) Now that he''s starting to see you''re serious about all this, he might start taking things more seriously too... and if there ARE legitimate issues causing his hesitation, be willing to see a counselor or make an attempt to at least think further about his anti-marriage stance. Right now it doesn''t sound like he''s being overly respectful of you, but if you think there is a possibility that could change, it might be worth pursuing help from an outside, objective person. Or... 2) He really is one of those guys that is just content to coast along in his happy little world and not really worry about whether the relationship is meeting the needs of BOTH people in it. In that case, those are hard habits to break... you may be better off cutting your losses and taking what you''ve learned into a new relationship that is ultimately more fulfilling to you.

Like I said, just my initial thoughts... personally I think the most helpful part of these forums is getting a bunch of different perspectives from a bunch of different people. When I''m looking for a deeper analysis, I''ll go to a friend or BF or therapist or somebody who knows more about me. I''m way too ADD for long, drawn-out posts (though I am guilty of writing them sometimes... sorry guys!)... but that''s just me. Fortunately, we''re all different... isn''t it great??

(I''m totally making black-bottom cupcakes for the PS bake sale.)

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 4/25/2006 1:03:40 AM
Author: Mara
It''s great to speak from experience about own''s own life, but at some point it can start to sound like just alot of pontificating psychobabble. A few life experiences does not an expert make. Also, overanalysis of some person no one even knows based on a few paragraphs of their life can definitely become eye-crossing at some point. It''s great to be sympathetic or give a bit of advice for Patchee or whoever in each thread, but no one has all the answers...nor can one assume they know more than they do. After a while it feels a little old.

Will you make us a keylime pie, RT?

Mara I am shocked and completely taken aback! Is this a retreat to submit to keylime pie

I don''t know what to say other than, I''m in the mood for lemon supreme this morning!

Hang in there patchee. I am sure you are trying to focus on planning your trip to FL, and if not try doing that. Give your mind some rest. In my experience if you think about something nonstop all the time and try to analyze it becomes a big blur and you don''t know right from wrong in all your thoughts and analyzing. Give it some rest and it may help clear some of the clouds in your mind. Good luck hun!

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 4/25/2006 10:23:02 AM
Author: Patchee
Today is another day of mixed emotions... weird .. why does he act like everything is ok between us, does he know there is a huge problem brewing here?

I felt like I read something earlier about him having more power in the relationship, perhaps because of how it started. However, I just skimmed over the thread and am not quite sure where I got that from. If that's not true, just disregard this paragraph. If he feels like he has the upper hand in the relationship, he may think that everything is alright between the two of you. Even though you want to get married (and deserve to have someone who wants to marry you!) he may feel that you'll get over it so you can be with him, on his terms. Stay strong and remember what you want. Don't be afraid to get it.

I know that this does not compare to what you're going through, but I've been a little bit of an emotional wreck lately because I'm graduating in about a month, I'm moving pretty far around the same time, I'm living with my boyfriend for the first time after I move, and I'm on prednisone (which makes me really grumpy). All of the change, even though I want it and have been looking forward to it for so long, makes me feel a little off-kilter. You're considering even more change. It will bring mixed emotions.

Unsoliticited advice: Try really hard to take care of yourself right now. Eat nutritious food (plus maybe a little pie

), workout everyday, take a bubble bath or two, go get a mani-pedi just because. Enjoy that convertible and drive it with the top down. You're going through so much emotionally that you don't want your body to feel really bad on top of it all.

Rainbowtrout, you win the award for the most pathetic fridge I've seen in a while.

ETA: You mentioned earlier "He's Just Not That Into You." There's a chapter specifically on men who don't want to marry their girlfriends that could be worthwhile reading.

 

[pricescope]

Date: 4/25/2006 2:19:22 AM
Author: marvel

Date: 4/25/2006 1:13:04 AM
Author: rainbowtrout
you people better behave or leonid''ll open a can of whoop-a** on us also known as lockiness.

btw, mara doesn''t usually go for the length so much, so I''m not sure there is so much of a horse to knock her off of...

oh, yeah...been there, done that!

Firstly, it''s not leonid - it''s much worse

, secondly, and this note is for meepcat mostly - locks are not just hanging there, any person who caused them couple of times will be banned without notice, name calling and profanity are not tolerated here.
Thank you.

 

[ilovesparkles]

I would advise against giving him the letter/your thoughts before you leave. Unless you are absolutely sure he wouldn''t do anything to harm you. I am not in any way trying to make assumptions that he would do anything I just want you to think about that. Your kittens, your things, joint accounts if you have them etc. I would say just tell him to really think about what has happened over these past couple of days and you will be doing the same on your trip. That way he can think about his own things and not focus on what you have to say while you are gone. Does that make any sense? I hope so! Good luck and I''ll check back in later! *hug*

 

[Patchee]

Sparklies - thank you! Just what I wanted to hear as far as giving him the letter. It is just thoughts, I don''t want discussion but I want him to truly know where I am coming from and what I am feeling. I wrote it in a letter because I did not want to actually have another conversation about this with him... just him knowing my thoughts.

We have no joint accounts.
We have nothing in eachothers names.
He loves the kitties as much as I do.
He is not hurtful towards materialistic things.
Again, LIW he is a wonderful person... that is for someone who does not want committment and is happy in a laaa laaa world ...

go figure eh!

 

[stermag]

Patchee, for what it''s worth, I think it''s wonderful that you have put in the time to organize your thoughts in writing. I think it can be very beneficial to communicate in this way when the issue at hand has the potential of becoming very emotional. In such cases, it''s difficult to keep a face-to-face verbal discussion on track - people get caught up in the various minutiae, leading themselves and their partner astray...

My suggestion is this: give him the letter, he deserves to know your feelings and you deserve to be heard (if not completely understood). Try to refrain from forming expectations of how he should react to it, however. Let him take from it what he will, and don''t expect a specific response. Doing so might set you up for a disappointment.

You''ll be alright. You are handling this with a lot of dignity and maturity. You are good people in my book

 

[MissAva]

Date: 4/25/2006 11:04:37 AM
Author: Blenheim

Rainbowtrout, you win the award for the most pathetic fridge I''ve seen in a while.

Hey that is my fridge!
I was starving this morning and went to the computer lab early and had cheez its and Diet Coke for breakfast from the vending machine...breakfast of college students everywhere.

Depending on how long my meeting with my professor runs and how long my other errands take I am going to try and go to the store today.

 

[decodelighted]

Patchee,
I''m so sorry you''re going through this right now! You DO seem like a GREAT gal & that''s probably why so many of us relate to you & identify with your situation. I concur that you''ve been a real "class act" too in accepting what advice feels right to you & respecting the rest as well-intentioned if not "hitting home w/you right now".

I''ve used notes in the past ... usually at the end of a relationship though. As a "clearing of the air" when my energy''s been already too drained by face to face stuff.

Though recently I was all frustrated and made a list of "What''s Bugging Me" just to get it out & down & see it in writing. Later, when my Sweetie was asking me what''s wrong (not about him, in general) I said - "Go to my desk, look at page 2 on my pad". It was a kind of shorthand way of sharing "the deal with me this evening" without reliving the whole mess in my head & in a new conversation (after the 5 I''d had with people during the day already). He could just hug me and *get it* and not secretly believe I was mad at him ... ''cause he was nowhere on the list!!

Aiggh. Not sure if that helped at all. Gosh we just like ya, girl! I still think: get the book, go on the trip, see how you feel. Do what''s best for you. (and keep us posted)

 

[marvel]

Date: 4/25/2006 10:09:20 AM
Author: Angela1977
Excellent post.

While I feel Meep took it a little too personally and went over the top in defending herself against the attacks, the attacks should've never happened in the first place. Patchee had already said how Meep was helping her, and then suddenly Meep was being attacked for various reasons because people didn't like what she was saying or how she was doing it. It was pretty judgemental and not in the spirit of the thread. The thread was about Patchee...end of story.

Oh, boy...don't we know that! Sorry, about the attacks yesterday Angela...they were totally out of line on my part.


Patchee, Sorry for what you're going through. I think this is a great place for moral support...regardless of how much pie gets served.

 

[aljdewey]

You want marriage and children.
He doesn''t.

Doesn''t make either one of you right or wrong; doesn''t make anyone good or bad. Just means you want different things. It doesn''t really matter why; it just is.

So, the thing left to do is to reinvest your energy with someone who does want what you want. I''m guessing that means closing this chapter and embarking on a new one.

Good luck.