I was right... (update from I decided, I give up)

[Mara]

pie is the absolute BEST. i really don't eat enough pie.

matatora...the first thing i thought when i saw the fridge was..damn that's alot of water!! you do stay well-hydrated.

patchee...good luck gal.

 

[akw94]

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Sad to think that this love is dying.. I don''t think T thinks it is though... I am a writer - I write better then I speak at times.. I wrote down lots of feelings to T, that I would like to give to him on Wed (tomorrow) before I leave for Florida I don''t want any answers from him .. just want him to read my hurts that he caused and what my feelings are now.. should I? Be a good idea? I just feel like I have nothing to lose anymore because it is lost..
......
Today is another day of mixed emotions... weird .. why does he act like everything is ok between us, does he know there is a huge problem brewing here?

Patchee,
It is very sad when your relationship is ending or having major problems. I''m so sorry! I like to write letters too but I agree w/Stermag in remembering that you can''t control how he reacts to the letter. If you''re expecting a call from him about it or some particular sort of acknowledgment or even any acknowledgment, you may not get it. He could also take it very differently than you intended. If you give it, i''d give it solely b/c you want him to know your thoughts. I know you said you don''t expect anything from him but I think realistically, it''s hard not to. If you just want him to know and you do plan on leaving, maybe you can give it to him before you go. If you are hoping he will truly understand what you''re feeling, you may not get that from him. I do tend to think that one-on-one communication is best, just so that it can''t be misinterpreted but don''t get me wrong, i''ve written and given many letters. Unfortunately, most times, it didn''t get me where i''d hoped it would.
I think it makes sense that he''s acting like nothing is wrong b/c to him, perhaps nothing is. He''s told you what he''s feeling inside so that''s not new for him. It is new for you! Also, it doesn''t sound like you''ve given him an indication of the relationship ending. Then again, he may just be hoping that this blows over and doesn''t want to give it more weight by talking about it or letting you know that it''s affected him. Really, there could be tons of reasons why he''s acting as he is and you''ll never truly know. Most importantly is how you feel. What do you need from this relationship? What compromises are you willing to make and when does it become settling? I have thought a lot of the idea of compromise vs. settling in my life b/c i''ve done a lot of settling. Until recently, I took what was given to me and didn''t demand much in return. Now, I try to think about what I want first. Then comes what he wants. You have to take care of yourself!

Have a good trip and take some *me* time b/c you certainly deserve it!

 

[Starset]

just my $.02

many times it''s very therapeutic to get your feelings down in writing - I know I always feel better
consider, did you write it to convince him? or did you write it to convince yourself?

maybe that will help you decide whether or not to share the letter

 

[Patchee]

Hey Ladies!

AmyG,
My thoughts down in writing to him .... I wrote it because I did not want to discuss it, have a two party conversation, just me and the pen. I want nothing from the letter, it is not a Dear "john" this is what I want and if you cannot give it to me then I am leaving type letter. It is about my inner thoughts and the feelings I felt upon his decisions in our conversation. What I read from his words/actions etc. I want him to know that I infact know where he is coming from even if my feelings are different. That it is not me nor he making this relationship head towards turmoil. We are just different and that is ok. I did mention that we should have shared our thoughts sooner but it truly now, is what it is.. That I want to be happy, that I deserve to be happy and he does too.

It is not an attacking letter, hurtful or destructing towards him in anyway.. I would never do that to him.. it is a this is where we are at type letter.

Ladies, I just want him to find happiness within his self which I do think he lacks somewhere down the line .. even if he puts on a good front... I want to be happy too. So, if we needs to break up to find that then we do.

I realize he is never going to want me the way I want(ed) him.. and I am dealing with it.. I am going to give him this letter when he drops me off to the airport tomorrow. I am just going to say, I wrote this letter so you know fully where I am at... and i will be away for 4 days after that... that be that.

 

[akw94]

Date: 4/25/2006 2:15:56 PM
Author: Starset
just my $.02

many times it''s very therapeutic to get your feelings down in writing - I know I always feel better
consider, did you write it to convince him? or did you write it to convince yourself?

maybe that will help you decide whether or not to share the letter

I completely agree that it''s therapeutic to write. I am also a fan of journaling. Actually, I think it helps get your thoughts out and organized. I just wanted to say above to be careful that you''re not expecting anything, if you decide to give the letter, b/c you don''t want to end up being more hurt by his response. I''d be prepared either way and decide why you are writing it before you give it.

 

[Mara]

having been the recipient of a 'letter' via email before from my now husband (during a time when we broke up), it's really hard to read someone's emotions like that, especially if you are pretty clueless at the time about how they were feeling (i totally was clueless, role reversal)...and it makes you feel a little impotent as the reader because you can't do anything but deal with your own emotions while reading the letter. there's no interaction.

just a bit of insight on what he may be feeling after you give him the letter. i do think it's a great way to say things that maybe you feel you can't say face to face, esp strong emotions or similar... and also let him have those few days to 'digest' things a bit. then when you come back, i'd sit down and talk about things very frankly and make your decisions.

 

[moon river]

Journalling is a great idea. It lets out alot of frustrasion. Sometimes, reading back over what you''ve written, you see things clearer or have never noticed before.You''re in my thoughts. Do what is right for YOU!!!

 

[Mandarine]

Patchee,

Good luck and enjoy your trip!!!....It will be great to spend some time with your sister.

I think the letter is actually a good idea. He can reflect on what you said over those days and you get to say how you feel.

Writing always helps me....I find that when talking in emotional situations my emotions tend to get the best of me and I don''t even make the point I was initially trying to make.

I see that this thread got a little over the top yesterday....and I see that I missed the pie!!!.....but what matters is that everyone was really here to support and help you....and you take it or leave it as you feel appropriate.

I have a thread about my own problem and think everyone has been extremely helpful....even the short messages "good luck, sorry you are going through this!" really has helped me...so I know you will take our messages as support and concern

I wish you luck!!!!!! and big hugs!

M~

 

[ilovesparkles]

From your reply to my last post and concerns it sounds like you are confident that giving him the letter won''t cause any further damage in a sense. I guess if you feel confident that this is a good idea than go for it. I understand (from your post) the type of content in your letter and it sounds reasonable. HOwever, as someone that has gotten two such letters I am just way more cautious and against them in general unless the two people can talk immediately after reading the letter if need be. After I received the letter I got, which was all about the things he was going through andjust not being able to deal with things, I was still very affected and heart broken. And I know personally if I got a letter from someone leaving on a plane who I couldn''t talk to for 3-4 days I would be a wreck and not function. But it sounds liked this is not the case with you and T. Sorry for the rambling but all in all, if you are confident in giving it to him than do so. Only you can be the true judge of this.

When are you leaving? We will miss you and anxiously be awaiting your return to hear how everything is going! Be strong!

 

[Patchee]

He is driving me to the airport 1.5 hours away. I will drive us there because he will have to drive home.. so I will present this letter to him on the ride ... because, Sparklies your right.. I would not want him to stew over it.... we will be able to dicuss it .. even though I don''t really want to, there are no questions or answers but I guess if he wants to say anything he can.

I am leaving tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! Last night was so rough for me, thank god for my 3 little kittens, they are soo understandin!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Good luck Patchee! You are in our thoughts and try to relax some on your trip!

 

[Blenheim]

Have a wonderful vacation, Patchee. You''ll be in my thoughts tonight. I hope that everything goes well.

One more suggestion, about the letter. If you''re at all prone to easily crying (I am), it would be better to do it while you''re not behind the wheel of a car. And, if you''re trying to catch a flight on time, it makes it much harder to easily pull over and get your emotions under control. Other than that, it seems like it will give him a good amount of time to read it and you two a good amount of time to discuss it, distraction free, which is always good.

Good luck!

 

[Patchee]

Just a quick update for you Ladies.

Went to FL, had a blast, did not think of home at all. Really needed it. I did give him the letter when he dropped me off.. I said, this is for your own reading, no need to discuss. Since I came back things are good, same as they always was - which is good. The letter is on the table and was read.. I asked him not to discuss it after reading.. not sure if he will or not. But, bottom line is, I am better with life now. He knows how I feel. I know how I feel and I am truly happy I was able to clear my thoughts on the trip.. thank you ladies.

 

[SoonIHope]

Thanks for the update Patchee! I''m so glad you had a great vacation and are feeling better about everything!

But...from your post I can''t quite tell what you have decided to do...have you made a decision yet on how to proceed? Or are you just going to hold off on taking any action for a little while? In any case, SO glad you''re feeling better and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose!!!

You deserve to be happy!!!

 

[Starset]

One step at a time

 

[Kaleigh]

That''s good to hear Patchee. Glad you had a nice trip!!

 

[Blenheim]

I''m glad to hear that you feel better. Do you know where you''re going to go from here?

 

[sumbride]

Wow... I go to Mexico for a week and miss all this....

Patchee, I''m so sorry to read of all this, but you have a good head on your shoulders and I know you will prevail. I''m not quite clear on what you''re going to do now, but I wish you the best in your life and I''m glad you realize you deserve to be happy. If you do walk, I have a book suggestion for you that helped me get through tough times with a bit of a smile. It''s a poetry book called "To hell with love" and it walks you through the stages of grief with appropriate poems. It''s really good. Helped me sort of find my place better. Good luck girl!

Sum

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I am glad that you got this all sorted out (kinda). at least he knw understands everything that you are feeling. Better late than never.

*hugs*

Lexy

 

[akw94]

Patchee,
I''m glad you had a good vacation and you feel better. Also, it''s good that he read the letter so, at the very least, he knows how you feel.
Good luck w/whatever future decisions you make.

*formerly amy94

 

[anchor31]

I''m happy to know you had fun and that he knows how you feel about all this. Let us know how things develop!

 

[Patchee]

Well, I don''t know where I am off to now...

See the thing is... beside him not wanting to get married we are a team he is my best friend. We do have a good relationship, he just needs to figure HIM out, I cannot help him there and if he needs ONLY time to do that then it is what it is... it is not going to get us to walk down the isle and I am ok with that ......now!

He needs to not be self centered to just his own feelings, he needs to look much deeper into many aspects of himself.. he needs to trust his self before he can trust anyone else... So, basically he does have issues underneath that cool, non- issue appearance. I am hanging out for now.. yes, in the same house as he, with our lovely kittens .. BUT, Ladies don''t yell at me

I am looking for a house to buy. I just cannot go back into the apartment lifestyle ... It will take time but that is probably the only thing on my side .. I am doing quite well Ladies.

He knows I am intereted in buying a house he comes off like maybe I won''t follow through with it though .. Not sure, afterall this is the guy who I thought was making a future foundation with me

Never know where he is at now.

 

[sumbride]

Patchee - -
I won''t yell at you, but I will advise you not to get too comfortable... keep looking at houses, figure out how to do it... it will either snap something in him to realize he needs to get his sh*t together, or if it doesn''t, you will have someplace to go. You always have an out... can your parents hold on to your cats, or one of them, so you could go to an apartment if that''s what it took? I don''t want you to get in the situation where he thinks your fine with what he wants again... that won''t turn out good for you. Making your own life is not only good for you, but if he really is the right guy for you, when he sees what you''re capable of, he''ll make things work.

sum

 

[jesterjigger]

Patchee...please keep looking. My ex sounds like he was a lot worse than your current guy, but when he said he wasn''t ready he just meant he''d never be ready. There was no waiting it out, no him getting in touch with his feelings. Of course, he also had much more severe issues like alcoholism that would have made him being ready the worst mistake of my life, but at the time I thought that he would snap out of it, we were SO good together. Especially after we broke up...that''s just because he had to treat me better to keep me since we weren''t in a relationship anymore. If you move out and buy a house it may be the wake up call your guy needs, or it may show that he''ll never get that wake up call. But you should definitely follow through.

 

[Patchee]

Sumbride, I have no parents, well I do but they passed away. I don''t want an apartment. I am old enough and secure enough to proceed with finding a home now. Kittys will stay with me.. I rescued them from the wild when they were 5 weeks old, they are afraid of all humans but me and my b/f - I could not put them through any rough transitions.

Jester, I am following through but I am thinking everything through as I go. I used to always make quick, some times harsh dicisions - just got me in a jam. This time it will be slow but correct. I know he is never going to be ready ... or the thought that he is just not that into me. I am ok with that now, so I would not be looking for a house in hopes he will turn his self around.. I would not want that type of relationship- the kind that I made a drastic "I''m leaving" move so he bows down and says don''t go, I will marry you .... NOW.. ! NAa, that''s just not for me. Someone out there will love me for me, for all of me .. just not the guy I love right now. Sad but true ..

 

[sumbride]

Date: 5/4/2006 9:32:22 AM
Author: Patchee
Sumbride, I have no parents, well I do but they passed away. I don''t want an apartment. I am old enough and secure enough to proceed with finding a home now. Kittys will stay with me.. I rescued them from the wild when they were 5 weeks old, they are afraid of all humans but me and my b/f - I could not put them through any rough transitions.

Oh, I''m sorry... I thought I remembered your dad saying you shouldn''t live with him... I guess I confused you with someone else! and I totally agree on the kitties! I have three myself and could never change their lives too drastically... they''re my babies!

good luck!