Ladies-In-Waiting Part III

[heartsonfire]

Ladies thank you for being there for me...

Melissa: Yes my situation is very complicated... pressure comes from the outside and sometimes I wish I never met him with this circumstance. If I knew dating an American (for being Asian/European) would cause this much of comotion... I would have thought twice. All I want is to be with him... I don''t want to go through the pain of separation again. I don''t think I can handle it once more. We''ve talked about getting engaged and married for over a year now. It''s nothing new. And for me coming over here... I thought it will happen... or else I would have never left my job (eventhough I was not happy in London... I would have just sucked it in). Now I am left with less... no job... no income... no place to live. I feel I''m stuck. As if time stoped. Everytime I ask him... he tells me not to ask anymore and be patient... how can I be patient... it''s not only about the ring... we also have to work on the papers... and that will take forever as well. He does some research... I know... he tells me. We have tried to get an appointment to ask our questions... how to do it the best way... but I feel nothing is really happening. I have 1 1/2 months time left. And I know that is not enough. I just don''t want to be in this situation anymore.

Ginger: He is actually a very gentle, sensitive and romantic person. But sometimes the stubborness shines through. Regarding the visit to my homecountry... he is very shallow minded and an ignorant if I may say. I think it''s the press and TV I have to blame. What hurts me the most is I am only asking for a visit... not to live there forever. I myself couldn''t live there anymore... after getting used to the european and american life style. In addition... if we do get married... it will be here in the US... most of my family couldn''t attend. Some times I just feel giving up and letting go. But if I really listen to my heart... he is the one I love... and I never felt like this before. But the spoiled brat inside tells me... I don''t have to go through this... be strong and move on. Sometimes I get scared... I might end up old... alone...

I''m sure he said things... that he really didn''t mean... and I admit I did too. But the way he black mailed me with the ring... that was over the top. I''m truly hurt. I''m still not talking to him. He keeps on asking me why I''m still angry...

I can''t eat... can''t sleep... still hurting...

PS: Thank you for the hugs... I needed that!

 

[gingerBcookie]

heartsonfire - my heart so goes out to you! i am up waaay past my bedtime (early meeting tomorrow) but i just had to say how sorry i am for the way you''re hurting. if he truly is as caring and sensitive as you say, and you think he is the one for you, have you really tried to just sit him down and explain to him the situation and how important it is to you? Maybe he doesn''t "get" all the nuances of the situation (men can be thickheaded

) and you just need to really talk together calmly about what is going on. Explain to him why you are feeling the way you are and how you feel he is treating a subject very dear to you so carelessly. Just sit him down and tell him you want to explain your feelings and actions, not put pressure, and that you would like him to explain his feelings and actions on the subject. Both about the visit and the engagement. Try to do this when you both are able to talk calmly and rationally. Maybe this is all due to imperfect communication on both sides. HUGS! I hope everything works out to your happiness.

Another HUG...and i''m off to bed.

 

[Shay]

Wow just got back from holiday and had a lot of reading to catch up on.

BOL and hearts on fire, i am so sorry for the heartbreak you are going through at the moment, i hope everything works out well for you guys.

news: I GOT A DIAMOND RING FOR CHRISTMAS!

heehee. It''s not an engagement ring, we spoke about that and he says he hates holiday proposals but damn if it isn''t sparkly.
It is a semi-eternity band with 13 round stones. (my anniversary ring has 2 diamonds in it for a total of 15 diamonds he has given me ... one for each month we have been dating... awwwwwwwwwww

While we were on holiday he saw a ring that he showed me (while I was having my christmas ring enlarged, damn these huge size ''N'' fingers). It was a tanzanite trillion surrounded by tiny round diamonds with a pave set band. I told him its gorgeous and he said that he now knows what to get me for an e-ring. I would swop the tanzanite for a diamond trillion in the centre for something completely unusual and spectacular. I''ve never seen anything like that in all my searching and I love the idea of being different. On the proposal front I''d say things are definatley getting there, but I''m no longer stressed about it. We have known each other for many, many years, I can wait a few more for it to be formally done.

It''s really good to be back and ''catch up'' with all of you again.

oh and GG it definatley sounds to me like a proposal is coming SOON.

I''ll hold thumbs for you.

 

[kanne]

heartsonfire- hugs to you! I''m sorry that you are experiencing this intense stress.. I agree with MelissaSue that the problems seem to be coming from the differences in culture. He refuses to visit your country? That seems so strange. You are obviously such a well educated worldly gal..why wouldn''t he want to see your home? ..

blingqueen- I did not realize that you were wearing the ring or had accepted a proposal! Like I said before, it sounds like you are still dealing with old hurtful issues. Have you thought about individual or couples therapy? Might be worth exploring before you get any deeper into marriage planning.

 

[SJS1234]

Heartsonfire -- You poor thing!!! I can just feel the overwhelming amount of stress you''re under right now. Have you asked yourself, if you had a way to support yourself and a way out, would you be happier leaving? It sounds almost like you would -- and like maybe you are staying because you have given up so much already and don''t know where/how to go. Leaving is VERY difficult, but don''t let money issues stand in your way if it''s the right thing for you. There is ALWAYS a way, if it''s right for you.
I''m sure your bf loves you very very much, and that you love him very much also. The hardest thing about love is that LOVE isn''t everything. It''s definitely a requirement, but there are so many other things that are just important, for example equal respect for one another. You respect his culture and his lifestyle and his work, and you have already sacrificed so much for this relationship. Maybe I''m crazy, and I hope this doesn''t sound harsh, but if he had equal respect for you he would be willing to sacrifice as well. A visit to see your family is very little to ask. It seems like he''s slowly closing you into a box -- his world, his "idea" of what''s acceptable and appropriate and comfortable for HIM. That''s not what marriage is about. Not at all. You are an intelligent and beautiful and DESERVING person, and the man you choose to spend the rest of your life with will see this and he will won''t have to TELL you that you are first. You will just know it. I have learned that words don''t mean anything really. It''s the things people do for each other, the sacrifices they make, the decisions they make TOGETHER that matter. Talking to him openly and honestly, without fear of what might or might not happen, is the best thing you can do. Forget the engagement, or talk of the ring -- You need to really think about whether or not this is what you want for yourself. Talk to him about your concerns. HUGS!!!!! aw. I just want to give you the biggest hug ever!!! I hope I don''t sound to harsh.....I know you''ll figure out what''s best for you.

Alley -- awww!!!!! Big hugs to you too of course. I''ve been wondering about you - how you''re doing, etc. It''s ok to be confused -- so don''t forget that. Just let it ride, and you will figure it out. Clarity comes at the most unexpected moments....it will come to you too. You and your bf are still so young, and although you''ve been together a long time, you may have forgotten to take time to think about what really makes you happy and what you really need in your life. I think that happens a lot with couples who date right through late teenager stage into adulthood. It''s easy to find yourself suddenly lost -- and worry that you accidentally slipped into something that you aren''t sure you want. Does that make sense? Taking this time may be the best thing that you and your bf can do for each other -- and in another few days you might decide that you are completely ok and meant to be together, but if not that''s ok too. Hang in there!!!!!! This WILL work out for you!!

As for all of the newbies -- WELCOME!!! I''m still a newbie myself actually.....I can''t keep up. In fact, BOL -- I came on board after your crisis, I think -- but wow, sounds like you are doing very well -- congratulations. Breaking up is SO difficult, especially when you''ve been so far together. I''ve heard about that book -- it''s supposed to be a really good guide. I would like to give it to a girl I work with actually (her boyfriend is a selfish a**), but I think she would be horrified.

Wedding ****!! that''s HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! I''m so scared to pick up magazines at the grocery because I don''t have a ring yet -- I''m so terrified that I''m going to see someone i know and they''ll think I''m a FREAK!! haha!!

 

[appletini]

HOF: Don''t feel like you are stuck, you can always start looking for a new job while you are still in the states. I''m sure your guy is great, but he needs to respect what is important to you. He should at least make the effort to make one visit to your county. Also his you could already have an e-ring comment was a low blow. With you not having US citizenship he needs to understand that you have a short timeframe to deal with. Perhaps you should move back to Europe..absense makes the heart grow fonder, and if it doesn''t, then you will find someone even more wonderful who appreciates you and respects you so that they want to experience your culture.

Ginger: So good to hear from you! I went to the BB&B in the Galleria...they told me it was their flagship store. I hadn''t been since they re-opened it.

BlingQueen: Sounds to me like you need to do some soul searching. Does this man make you happy? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Or do you just want the diamond? Sounds to me like you are holding out for a better opportunity.

 

[njc]

Ahhhhh yes.... i picked up a fresh stack of bridal **** last week. Im still working my way through them! And i have to say the "guilt" never goes away, even with the ring!

Apple - Did you know that Ritani has a ring in the Endless Love collection that has the pave around the stone? A girl i work with has it and it is a knockout! Here is a picture off the BBB website.

Shay - you need to post pictures of your rings!!!

 

[kanne]

apple - oh wow, I would have loved to try on the vera wang designs. The one that catches my eye is emerald cut, set east to west. I have a BB&B near me, but their selection is limited...although I have been known to cruise down there on occasion to get my bling fix. I was shocked to find out that BB&B was the higher-end of Zales??? Same company, different presentation!

-lovey

 

[blue_chica]

heartsonfire: You poor thing.

Boy do I feel for you, being here in the US, having made that sacrifice and not getting what you were hoping for in return. I definitely think he should be open to visiting your family! That is part of what marriage is about, after all, blending two families into a new one. I would stand my ground on that. If he can''t understand your feelings even after a rational and polite explanation, he''s got some serious growing up to do, his current behavior sounds extremely self-centered.

Alleycat: You are very, very brave. I broke off a long term relationship the day after we got married. The marriage was annulled (he was in the military and the main reason we did it was financial/benefits - I was young and very stupid). There was no wedding (civil ceremony) or even a real proposal (and certainly no ring), but it still felt like my whole life was derailed and I missed him terribly for so long, even though I knew our relationship wasn''t what I wanted in the end. It got better, however, and it was the best decision I could have made, absolutely. And I did find someone better suited for me, so don''t forget about that light at the end of the tunnel. *Hugs*

Wow this board has a lot of traffic, I don''t know how people keep up. The posted rings were all gorgeous, especially the square emerald (or asscher) with pave bezel and shank.

My weekend was a bit of a downer. I decided after posting here on Friday that I needed to talk to my bf about things. I''m really bad about keeping my feelings under wraps, and things tend to blow up when I try. Anyway, I spoke to him on the way home from going out to drown his sorrows after he was turned down for a job he really wanted. Boy was that selfish and stupid of me. He didn''t whack me upside the head like I deserved, but in response to my explanation that it was stressful to want something and yet have no control over it, so could I get a timeline...he said he''d have to get back to me. I''ll get back to you?! Ugh. Then he floundered a bit and said July. Our two year anniversary is in July. I have a max two-year dating prior to engagement limit. It''s my own personal timeline based on my own thoughts, not saying that''s true for everyone. Anyway, that has been mentioned before (when talking about friends who had similar expectations). I am very bummed now because a) I hope he is not planning on testing me on this. b) at best this means it ain''t coming anytime soon. Next time he brings up engagement I''m just going to ignore him, I can''t take the rollercoaster.

 

[jenwill]

Hello All!

GingerB- In answer to how many times did I try on a ring before I realized it was the one? NEVER!hahahaha. I have been dealing with Whiteflash for the last week or so, and have hte quotes on a ring that I have never tried on, nor really tried on anything like it. Plus, any ring that I have tried on has been a guessing game anyway, since I have size 8 fingers and all the ''demo'' size 6''s just go to my knuckle. So, I figured, if it is a guessing game anyway, I will just go with my gut. Not that what I have chosen is extreme in anyway shape or form. I have asked them to make a blend of a couple of rings...platinum shared prong 0.03 melee (6 on each side of center stone) inspired by A Jaffe ring here, with double claw prong around a center asscher stone a la Leon Mege. The wedding band will be 14 shared prong 0.03 melee. Very simple, so I am pretty sure it will work fine.

Tybee- I think that eternity band, plain plat, and e-ring will look gorgeous. A friend of mine has that arrangement- and it is VERY pretty.

BlueRoses- I think it is great that you are moving! I hate the act of moving (am packing this week, as I have movers coming on Saturday morning- so I can totally sympathize with trying to downsize stuff)- but something exciting always seems to happen shortly after each time I move. Hoepfully that same will be true for you!

Now that Denise at Whiteflash has gotten us the quotes on the cost of e-ring and band, we know what our budget is like for the center stone. We will be starting that process this week. I am now officially a bundle of nerves.

 

[Erin]

Blue Chica - Funny you should say you have a 2 year max before engagement timeline. My bf dated a girl after high school for four years - no engagement. Within a few months started dating this other girl - they bought a house, got the dog, put the bedroom furniture on a joint CC, had shared checking and savings, but they broke up after four years - no engagement.

Within the month she was moving out of the house he met me. Determined to not jump into another relationship he fought it but couldn''t deny it. We are both perfect for each other in ways we didn''t even know existed. He once said, you''re everything I never knew I always wanted.

Our running joke goes back when we''d only been dating a couple months - the full disclosure of your pasts - I said, just to let you know up front, I don''t DO four year leases. If that much time has gone by - there is no longer an option to buy. Well, we have been dating 3 years and 7 months. Someone save that boy if he thinks it would be clever to wait until right before the four year mark. Besides, I meant married before four years NOT engaged (so he can put off the marriage for another four?).

HOF - My bf has also said quit asking about it - the more you bring it up the less likely you are to get it. It''s hurtful and it feels like something he gets to dangle above my head - but we also have a right to bring it up if they''ve shown they''re too selfish to recognize they should be doing it if it''s that important to us. That''s the problem. If it''s so important and they know it''s the single most thing that would make us happy - how can you rationalize not doing it? Is it selfishness, control, afraid or unsure?

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone!

Hearts of fire: I am very sorry that you are going through this. I think (as an asian girl like Ginger dating a Non-asian guy), that his attitude toward your country and your family is a bit of a warning sign. Interracial dating is very hard, and I think for it to work, both parties have to have an interest (and respect) for the other person''s culture. I think you really need to explain to him how important family is to you, and that the engagement ring bribe was not acceptable. I am sure that he said things that he didn''t mean. You need to straighten him out. Aside from that, I can imagine the pressure. I think asian families have this down to an art. Take a deep breath and put this into perspective. It''s YOUR relationship. Not theirs. By the way are you Viet too? My mom was telling me it is tradition for the mother in law to buy the girl''s engagement ring.

Blue Chica: Hugs. Grrr. I think sometimes it is best to ignore them when they talk engagement rings. I get the two year deadline (not for me because I''m not ready) but you really don''t want to be wasting your time. "I''ll get back to you" Grrr... I would not be happy either, but he may have been really distracted about the fact that he didn''t get the job. I think it''s hard to think future and happiness when you are discouraged or disappointed. Hang in there!

Lovey, Blue Chica, Ginger, everyone else. Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts. It is always nice to know that people are there to support you. Today, a girl at my school got engaged (princess cut about 0.75 carats...I CAN''T help it), and it made me sad. I mean happy for her, but I thought to myself.. I am such a long way from there, especially because my relationship is a mess.

 

[blueroses]

Oooh, Alley, your last line made me sad

....(((hugs))). You know what? Your relationship doesn't have to be a "mess"--it is what it is, be it in transition, reflection, hiatus, "me-time", what have you. If you're not feeling right with yourself, then you can't be right in a relationship. I went through that w/ my bf around 3 years ago where we just stepped away a bit. We didn't break up, but just kind of re-evaluated priorities. Bottom line is that if one of you is unhappy, then you're no good to each other, and you have to check in with yourself and work on YOU--which is exactly what you're doing. I know you're going to be ok one way or the other. Thinking of you sweetie!!!

HeartsonFire, I am so sorry you're hurting

God, my bf and I are from pretty similar backgrounds and we still run into family differences with the way we were raised, so I know you must be up against SO much having to bridge all of these culture gaps without all of the support from your bf that you need. The whole ring-blackmail issue would really burn me up too, not to mention the refusal to visit your home country. Is his fear completely unfounded? I don't know where home is for you, but it sounds like he's being stubborn in his assumptions. I'm sorry!!! You need someone who embraces you for ALL of you, including the familial and cultural pressures and traditions of your family. Not sure who said it, but I agree tha it might be helpful to kind of look at what your options would be financially/logistically if you were to move and not wait on him? To have that sort of fall-back and renewed confidence in your own abilities and not feel so trapped? (((Hugs))) to you too, sweetie!! You should not have to feel this way!!!

Ginger, SJS, Apple, EVERYONE, thanks for the insight--somehow even the advice meant for others is still really insightful and helpful on just a general human/relationship level!!

Blingqueen, I second what Lovey said....I think that some kind of individual or couples counseling might be helpful? The fact that you equate marriage with a loss of control is a big red flag for me and I think that's something to really look into....Do you want to be engaged to him? You said you had no problem wearing the promise ring, so is it just something about the semantics of engagement and marriage that make you feel shackled? Is marriage something you just don't feel ready for *yet* or *ever* or just not now? How does your FI feel?

njc, that ritani is SO dainty and pretty in person....I'm not into rounds, but this one really sparkled!!!

JenWill, I am SO excited for your ring!!! Thank you for the good-moving wishes. I'm scared really, but I think it is going to be a good thing on a lot of fronts. Part of me is in such denial about leaving the city, but I need to be there for my dad--I WANT to be there for him....it's just that transitions are always hard, right? But it's time for a change!

Erin and BlueChica......ooh, the dreaded deadline issue. Our esteemed graduate MelissaSue can speak to that as well, but that has not been a happy thing for me and my bf....he missed his own deadline, and since then I've just felt this kind of limbo freefall, even as we continue to look and shop for rings and be good together, etc.....it just makes me feel that it's further and further off? I'd just be wary of the whole deadline thing, if I had to do it over again b/c it makes me feel like I've done something wrong and pushed him away and he therefore is dangling it?

Shay! Handpics of the new ring? ANd of that trillion one? MMMM!!!!! Have you found pics of anything like that? Sounds so pretty!

GG, I'm with the others, girl. I predict before the Vernal Equinox for you!!

Had lunch with my very cute preggo-friend today. (She's my first really close friend who's having a child....and just turned 35 yesterday, so it's VERY exciting!) Anyway, it was so nice and I told her about the LIW club (after she shared with me that she also was very sad about the demise of Brad and Jen

) And she apparently has found her own online group (her first, just like this is for me) for other moms-to-be due in May! It was really fun to tell her about you gals and how amazing it's been to have this support here and to know that there are all these compassionate, bright, beautiful, giving women who are all in the same boat!! And of course I had to stalk her rings in a way I never have before!! (1/2 eternity w-band, full eternity anni band, and a STUNNER of a 1.3 VS1 near-colorless (G?) RB cut REALLY well up highhighhigh in a knife-edge 4-prong--all 3 in plat. Yummy! So funny--I've been around her bling for YEARS and have never scrutinized it the way I did today!!!

Okay, all for now--I'm QUITE sure I forgot to reply to some, but it's been busybusy on the LIW board!

 

[appletini]

njc: I have seen the endless Ritani that you posted...I know alot of people on here really like it, but no offense I can''t stand it (I refuse to even try it on). I don''t like bezel settings (even if they have pave) I think this is because they cover up part of the diamond and make it look smaller. The vera wang/tacori one is actually a prong setting with a pave crown underneath it and so it makes it look like one super huge diamond from a distance. Like I said no dis-respect to anyone else''s taste, but this is just not mine.

 

[goldengirl]

Wow, sounds like everybody''s had a rough couple days. I think we need a big group (((((hug)))))!!!

 

[teebee]

Helloooooooooo everyone!!!

Too much to keep up with here ~ this thread is so busy!

Just wanted to step in and check in for a minute.

HOF ~ Many big hugs to you!!! I don''t think I could say anything more than what has already been said, but my heart goes out to you. I know you must feel like you''re in such a vulnerable and insecure position being in this country without the security of an engagement or even the reassurance that getting started on the paperwork would provide. I only moved about an hour and 1/2 to be with my boyfriend, but quitting my job and selling my house w/out the engagement ring was traumatic enough and a big leap of faith for me. It''s not on the same scale as your ordeal, but I can understand how tough this must be. And his emotional blackmail was definitely the wrong way to handle it.

As for the visit... I''m so sorry he doesn''t recognize the importance of this... I hope you can find a way to communicate that this is a vital component of who you are, and that if he cares for you in the way he should, it should be important to him too. I understand the geopolitical concerns, but... When I was in elementary school in Houston, my best friend was Japanese. I was at her house almost every day ~ after school, dinnertime

, weekends, you name it & ever since then I''ve always wanted to vist Japan ~ or any part of Asia; China, Thailand, Malasia, Vietnam, etc., so it''s hard for me to understand his lack of curiousity to even experience another part of the world, let alone the place where you grew up. I kinda see it like, well, say you were in love with and marrying someone who already had children ~ those kids are a part of the person you love & they are a part of his soul, right? So, as challenging and difficult as it might be, you would desire to know and love those kids right? And if you didn''t, that would make you a pretty cold and heartless lady right? Similarly, I just think that where you are from & the family that raised you is such a huge part of your soul and who you have become, and who you have become is the person that he loves, so he should want to honor that... Wow, guess I had something to say afterall. Just know that you can come here to vent when you need to!

BOL ~ Also wanted to tell you how awesome you are!! I had read your posts before joining in, but you''ve gone through some difficult times and have figured out some valuable life lessons far sooner than many of us. I don''t know how old you are (can''t remember if you said?), but when I think back on my dating life up until the last few years... boy, I could have used that book!!! It took me so long to learn that a guy calling when he says he will should be expected, it is not impressive or a miracle (reminds me of summer 2001, I was dating a guy MUCH younger than I was, but I couldn''t get over the fact that he always called me when he said he would ~ it was so different from the guys that I had been used to dating). Anyhow, way to go!!

Anyhow, hugs Alley & Blue Chica & Blueroses (I hate moving ~ I''m such a pack rat too, we had to buy a storage shed for all my crap!!) and to everyone else & welcome to all the new ladies ~ I meant to mention everyone on my last post but I''ve lost track!!

 

[njc]

No offense taken. Just wanted to make sure you know that was out there... i wasnt paying attention to the difference in the pave around the stone!

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

Date: 1/10/2005 4:54:16 PM
Author: goldengirl
Wow, sounds like everybody''s had a rough couple days. I think we need a big group (((((hug)))))!!!

rough couple of days... yep... sounds about right

last wednesday, just out of the blue my girlfriend told me she will always love me, but she is not right for me, that any girl would want me, all this kind of thing, then she was saying we can''t be together, but didn''t say why, just kept saying can''t and she has not spoken to me since

I am crying now, just reading what she wrote

I tried to talk her out of it, but she hasn''t spoken to me since

5 days

I don''t know what to do, crying myself to sleep doesn''t seem to help very much

I have been waiting for her to come back online, I''ve sent emails, sent e-cards (which I know she has read)

I don''t know what to do

I am really worried about her, I pray that she is ok and that she has friends around her

she never told me her address, I asked when I wanted to send her a letter, and her birthday and Christmas presents, but she said no, and I didn''t push the issue, cos I thought maybe she had bad experiences in the past or something. so I don''t know what to do. what makes it so hard is that she says she loves me and wants me, I love her... so I don''t see why we can''t be together

I just pray that she will change her mind and come back to me. it just makes no sense, tuesday we were talking about when we are going to meet, I was going to book my flights and I''d already arranged for a nice restaurant and hotel, so I don''t know what went wrong

 

[Erin]

Diamondgeezer

I''m sorry - it''s seems to be in the water around here. That''s not fair to leave you wondering like that. Give her a few days and ask for the truth. It''s unfair for you to be left thinking things that aren''t true because you don''t know what to think. I hope you can communicate with her soon - it''s the best way to figure this out.

 

[blueroses]

DG, I am so sorry

What a strange week for this thread, but we are all here for our honorary gentleman when you need to vent.

HANG IN THERE--I agree that you deserve a conversation with her to get things in the open and to understand what''s happening.

You poor thing

Try to do something nice for you--I can''t offer the same advice I would for girls in the ice cream-shopping-massage-vein, but try to do something self-pampering and try to surround yourself with friends.

 

[TravelingGal]

I''ve been lurking for quite some time here and had to give some support to the many who have been having a hard time. Hope things pick up for you all.

Hearts on Fire, I am asian too...Korean to be exact. I wonder since you are half asian if sometimes your bf forgets that the ASIAN part of you is important too? Especially because it may be a little less obvious than some of us who are full asian? Or when you say Asian/European, do you mean full asian who grew up in Europe? Sorry, I wasn''t sure.

My white ex boyfriend always told me that he didn''t see me as asian because I fit in with his white family/friends so easily. I had to remind him that yes, I made an effort to fit in with americans (and of course I''m american myself) but that he needed to try to fit in with my family and friends (mostly korean). His answer? "Well, it''s easier for you on your end to fit in with my friends." Needless to say, we did not last very long.

I had to chuckle at Ginger''s initial fury...I can understand it. I think many of us asian women who are westernized take issue with non asian men who don''t make an effort to understand our culture. I can''t make a judgment call on your relationship. You know your man best. But I will say that those who don''t make an effort will make you bitter in the end. And bitter people don''t make for good relationships. I hope that he will understand how much your family means to you.

I met my Australian bf two years ago and have a very long distance relationship (ugh). He''s coming over soon on his own greencard (won it in the greencard lottery), but what I love about him is he tries everything. Asian foods of all types and loves it. And it''s important to him that I maintain my korean heritage and teach it to others. He has a very open mind and an open heart, which I love very much.

So while I am not waiting for an engagement, I AM waiting for a greencard to come through and be finalized! Does that qualify me for a lady in waiting??

 

[Erin]

Of course you might be considered an honorary member - but nonetheless you are waiting for the same thing we are - to be with your honey! I think that counts.

Also, diamondgeezer you''ve been a great source of male perspective for many of our venting sessions - lean on us anytime you need. We''ll be there for you, too.

 

[appletini]

Ginger: it would be so funny if we went on an e-ring shopping double date...lol!

 

[goldengirl]

Oh, man, and it just gets worse and worse! I don''t even know what to do about the list anymore....

what a miserable week it has been. It''s hard to even post happy news because the thread has been so sad!!!

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to all the troubled ladies and to our honorary gent, and everybody else, maybe we should get off the internet and check in on our honeys!!

 

[heartsonfire]

Ginger, Melissa, Shay, Lovey, SJS, Apple, Blue Chica, Erin, Ally, Blueroses, GG, Teebee, TravelingGal, big hugs to all of you... Thank you so much for all your support... for those who worried that they might sound too harsh... I''m not offended at all... my thoughts were very similar.

I know I have not outed where I am from... well I am Filipina/German... born and raised in Manila (17 years)... moved to Germany (6 years)... US (1 1/2 years) and UK (10 months)... I wish I could apply for the greencard lottery and everything would be so much easier... but I''m born in the Philippines and I cannot apply for it even if I am German citizen. Some politics I will never understand.

Well the reason why my bf doesn''t want to visit my country is apparantly because of terrorist... again I blame the media... I''ve lived there most of my life... never felt unsafe... my family lives there... my mom who is married to a German and my sis who is also married to a German live there... if it''s dangerous over there... in a heartbeat they will leave and move to Germany. All my bf tells me is that he has been reading a lot of things online... and that he is American and it is dangerous for him to travel to my country. I understand his concern... but there is nothing to be scared about.

I don''t think I could ever live with this... if he wouldn''t even consider coming with me to visit my family... I know for sure if we do end up getting married... and we have children one day... I will never be able to travel with my children to my home country... to show them the way I grew up and my tradition... because he is too scared... Eventhough he told me maybe one day... I know for sure he will never let me travel with him and the kids.

I love him with all my heart... but I realize LOVE is not everything (I agree with you SJS - I recently actually said this to one of my girlfriends and she couldn''t understand what I ment... I see you understand me). Before I met him... I was always focus on my career... I''ve worked so hard getting to where I was... giving up was not easy... he made it easy for me because I believed in him... that everything will be fine... but it''s obviously not. He keeps on telling me it''s only temporarily but I''ve been here for quite a while now (actually it''s my second visit) and nothing has happened...

I always thought getting engaged is one of the happiest memories I will cherrish one day... but seeing myself in my situation it will never be that way... it will always be a painful part in my life... I know relationships have some ups and downs... but if it''s already bumpy on this road... how much more will it be on the wedding part...

Tomorrow is his day off, last week he told me that he will take me e-ring hunting... well I''m honestly not in the mood anymore! I don''t want to get teased any more. It''s all about the talk but no actions. I know he loves me too but I have to figure out what will be best for me.

BOL: I think I should get the book you are reading... just kidding... I''m really tempted though... but I know I have to talk to him with a calm head... however I really don''t think he will change his mind... if he doesn''t I will move on... I''ve been independent for quite a while and I know it will be a rough start but I''ll manage.

Apple: I thought when I moved to London that absence will make his heart grow fonder... it did... but now he got used to me being around him again... back to normal... taking me for granted (I guess)... I don''t want him to sound horrible... he is a lovely person... and he does everything for me... but not fast enough I guess... I might be too pushy... maybe it''s all my fault... gosh I don''t know anymore... And you also mentioned I could look for a new job while I am here... it''s not that easy... as soon as they find out that you are non-citizen... because they have to sponsor you... they turn you down... so no chance... That was one of the reasons why I had to transfer to the UK because my visa expired...

Shay: Congratulations to you and your fiance on your engagment - all the best my dear!

Diamondgeezer: I''m sorry you''re having a boo boo too... big hugs to you. I hope you two talk soon!

Ally: I hope everything works out best for you too! ((((Big hugs))) sweetie!

To everyone in this LIW thread - thank you for cheering me up - you are my heroes!

PS: Wedding magazines... I have two on the dinner table... started buying them a year ago... yup first I hid them... but then I didn''t mind leaving it around... at the end he did look at them too... those good old days...

The Bachelorette is on - enjoy ladies... maybe this might distract me or make me even more down buhu... I know I am torturing myself!

 

[Tybee]

Oh Dearest DiamondGeezer,
My heart truly goes out to you! It is quite possible that she got extremely nervous at the propect of actually meeting you. What a sad thing for you...I hope that you eventually have the opportunity to speak with her.
You are really such a sweet person...I''m sorry you have to go through this sorrow.
People get scared, though. They do things out of panic...you never know what happened on her end, but maybe she just was terrified of what meeting you would really bring.
Ach, my words are useless. Just know that we care. I am so so so so sorry.

 

[honeynut]

I fought with BF too this week, we were questioning everything. We seem to be getting through bit though ad i hope this will give us a fresh perspective on where this relationship is going. I can''t relate to the asian thing but I CAN relate to the American boyfriend thing.

You wouldn''t think there is such a big difference between Canada and the US, but OH BOY is there ever. He came to live here for... it''s been three years now. A lot of his perspectives have really mellowed from what they were before. The media etc. is very pervasive and it really has an influence on their state of mind. I am a sociologist, last semester I took this great course on fear and risk. We studied the media''s effect on the public perception of risk and it''s totally wild! people thing that just because it is in the news, it is real and of the highest prioroty in the world. People really have no idea how they''re being fed propaganda all the time. The whole war on terror is a very effective way of calming inner national turmoil by demonizing some ''other''.

It''s got to be so weird to have that seep into the privacy of your relationship, like a microcosm of international political relations. I do hope you two make peace over this. Difference needs to be cherished. Don''t settle for anything less. You''re actually a prime catch, HOF, from a purely passport-oriented standpoint! My BF is in international business and I know he would be over the moon if I not only had asian citizenship but european citizenship as well! We could live and work pretty much anywhere in the world. And I bet you''re gorgeous, as IMO pretty much all mixed-race people are gorgeous!

Diamondgeezer - if you were going to marry this woman, but she had never consented to giving you her address... I think that she may have been hiding something very serious from you. I know it is hard to hear this now, but I think that if you ever find out why this happened, you might thank your lucky stars.

 

[rfath]

*********hugs********* to all of you... so much sadness right now.

 

[SJS1234]

Date: 1/10/2005 9:37:39 PM
Author: heartsonfire
Ginger, Melissa, Shay, Lovey, SJS, Apple, Blue Chica, Erin, Ally, Blueroses, GG, Teebee, TravelingGal, big hugs to all of you... Thank you so much for all your support... for those who worried that they might sound too harsh... I''m not offended at all... my thoughts were very similar.

I know I have not outed where I am from... well I am Filipina/German... born and raised in Manila (17 years)... moved to Germany (6 years)... US (1 1/2 years) and UK (10 months)... I wish I could apply for the greencard lottery and everything would be so much easier... but I''m born in the Philippines and I cannot apply for it even if I am German citizen. Some politics I will never understand.

Well the reason why my bf doesn''t want to visit my country is apparantly because of terrorist... again I blame the media... I''ve lived there most of my life... never felt unsafe... my family lives there... my mom who is married to a German and my sis who is also married to a German live there... if it''s dangerous over there... in a heartbeat they will leave and move to Germany. All my bf tells me is that he has been reading a lot of things online... and that he is American and it is dangerous for him to travel to my country. I understand his concern... but there is nothing to be scared about.

I don''t think I could ever live with this... if he wouldn''t even consider coming with me to visit my family... I know for sure if we do end up getting married... and we have children one day... I will never be able to travel with my children to my home country... to show them the way I grew up and my tradition... because he is too scared... Eventhough he told me maybe one day... I know for sure he will never let me travel with him and the kids.

I love him with all my heart... but I realize LOVE is not everything (I agree with you SJS - I recently actually said this to one of my girlfriends and she couldn''t understand what I ment... I see you understand me). Before I met him... I was always focus on my career... I''ve worked so hard getting to where I was... giving up was not easy... he made it easy for me because I believed in him... that everything will be fine... but it''s obviously not. He keeps on telling me it''s only temporarily but I''ve been here for quite a while now (actually it''s my second visit) and nothing has happened...

I always thought getting engaged is one of the happiest memories I will cherrish one day... but seeing myself in my situation it will never be that way... it will always be a painful part in my life... I know relationships have some ups and downs... but if it''s already bumpy on this road... how much more will it be on the wedding part...

Tomorrow is his day off, last week he told me that he will take me e-ring hunting... well I''m honestly not in the mood anymore! I don''t want to get teased any more. It''s all about the talk but no actions. I know he loves me too but I have to figure out what will be best for me.

aw! it just breaks my heart to know that you are having such a tough time -- all of you, actually. something IS in the water this week. In fact my boyfriend and I had a huge blowout on Friday, nearly made me call it quits -- and we RARELY argue... what is UP?!?!? ugh. Anyway.....it''s amazing how much insight I''ve gained by reading all of the posts on this thread -- you girls (and guys) are great -- even though I haven''t posted my "drama" I feel better just by knowing that if I need to I can put it all out there to the LIW thread and get the cheer up that I need!! I just keep reminding myself that even the BEST relationships have "moments" of ickiness -- just means you have to communicate better and work through the issue so that you''re better prepared for "whatever it is" next time.

HOF -- I''ve heard that the Phillipines can be dangerous for Americans...not sure why though -- I mean actually I had never heard that until a friend of mine had to go there for business recently and he was legitimately scared of the possibilities. He requested a body guard from the company even. Maybe this is some kind of huge misconception by some Americans -- if so, maybe your bf needs some kind of third party convincing..... Can you find recent articles on the subject, or maybe talk to a travel agent for the area who can give you detailed (and reassuring) information on traveling to Manila? I don''t agree AT ALL with him refusing to visit your homeland......but maybe he really is scared, and if that''s the case then you can help him. It''s worth a shot at least.....maybe......
GO with him tomorrow to look at rings!!!!..... gauge his reactions -- does he seem annoyed by the process and the experience, or is he excited by it -- and does he seem truly interested in making you happy? Heck, even if you don''t "feel" it right now, at least check out the yummy sparklies so you can report back to us your findings!!!!! We LOVE to hear about new BLING BLING!! I want to despise this man of yours, just because I know you are sad right now, but I don''t know him -- you do, and you say he''s a wonderful man......is he? If so, then do what you can.....if you do that and it''s still not enough, and you''re not happy, then yes, you will find the strength to continue on through your life''s journey -- You are strong and powerful and smart!! i mean heck you remember all of us who commented on your situation -- that''s a lot of names to keep up with!!

I truly believe what I said about love not being everything. If it were, then life would be easy right? or maybe not!! I love a lot of people that I would never EVER consider living with!!! Love, Friendship, Respect, Commitment, Compassion, Desire, Truth, all of those things......and many many more....are what make up a marriage. After our big blowout (my guy has is a little insecure sometimes and it causes the occasional rift), my bf said that he loves me and that he trusts me and that he promises we will not have to have this conversation again -- and all I could say was, well that''s great, but those are just words. words are air, and that air was gone before he even finished the sentence. All that REALLY matters are actions. He knows that so we''ll see.

WELCOME all of the new people!! did I already say that in an earlier thread? sorry can''t keep up!! even with myself!!

DiamondGeezer -- sounds like you are having one heck of a bad day......I''m sorry!!!!! Give it a little time and everything will work out like it''s supposed to. cheesy and simple I know, but it''s so true. Life is too much about waiting........but that''s what it is sometimes. hugs to you!! She''ll come around, and if she doesn''t then you''ll be ok still. Life always has something good around the corner if something good really IS what you''re looking for. cheesy cheesy I know. sorry. I''m trying to be optimistic for a change!!

Hmm. did I mention that my bf and I had a big fight friday? yeah, twice already huh? hm. i just hate arguing -- it just makes me sick. I''m just too darn old for the drama of it!!!!! Things are better now, but it makes me "numb" for a few days after. He thinks he''s completely blown it, because I''ve been all quiet -- but I''m only quiet because I need a little time to recover, know what I mean? He''s totally freaked out because I think he has some kind of proposal thingie planned for the near future and now he''s worried that I won''t say "YES". He actually emailed today, all distraught and saying that he has a "plan" and he''s stressing out like crazy because he knows he''s upset me so much over this issue from Friday.......and he doesn''t know what to do. Heck I dunno! I don''t want him to propose in the middle of a "fight recovery"! I want it to be happy! Who knows........ I think I will be over it by tomorrow..... wonder what he''s up to..... hmmmmm.......

 

[blueroses]

SJS, that is exciting that there is a plan in the works!! I know what you mean about not wanting it to be on the heels of making up, but when it happens, it will be right, I'm sure. And you are so right: if love were all it took, i think there'd be a lot fewer divorces....love is just the beginning!!

HOF, I remember that a couple of American missionaries were kidnapped and murdered by terrorists in the Phillipines, but I'd certainly never heard of any pre-emptive "Americans, don't go there" kind of thing!! My former roomate is Filipina, and nothing like that ever came up in discussion! I mean, I suppose there's a risk travelling anywhere overseas, but I think he's way off.

Ok, I'm sorry to be so silly and shallow, but did anyone else just watch The Bachelorette? They did this quick montage of the coming season at the end and they showed this RING......AAAHHHH!!!! I swear, what so many of us like (and think is so different and unique!!) is apparently going to become popular pretty darn quick: it was a GORGEOUS, big RB surrounded by pave--not sure if a bezel or not--and a pave band. Kind of like this Leon one, but not yellow....or like the Daniel K boxter but round. (Not quite like the Ritani....seemed to come up above the bezel....Heck, it could be a Michael B....and actually, I bet it's a Tacori?? B/c I know Tacori did Trista's wedding rings.) OK. I am now officially a giant dork.