Ladies-In-Waiting Part III

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

Plus a man wants to know that he can be able to provide for you, and buy a house, and not have a lot of debt, and all of those macho things

hmmmm... well I want to do those things, does that make me macho?
thanks, I needed a good laugh!

macho = me =

macho = me =

macho = me =

macho = me =


"macho, macho man... I've got to be a macho man..." lol

 

[blueroses]

Hi ladies!!

JCJD!! We missed you--so nice to have you back on

Sparkling, welcome! And that dream is HILARIOUS!!! I applaud your and everyone else''s analysis...but it was also a nice little laugh. Ferrets!! A clock! Ugly ugly ring! It sounds like this dream couldn''t be further than your reality, and you and your bf are right on track!

Hopeful, I absolutely think it''s possible. Last Spring I was in the exact scenario, except with 7.5 years together and a 31 years old bf! Only now after more than 8 years and him almost 32 are we getting beyond his "fears." I''m sure there are cases where it''s about the relationship, but it''s very possible for it just to be about the guy''s fear.

Molson, I''m sorry my dear

I know what you mean. My bf and I have had so many of our friends get married with a fraction of the time together that we''ve had and it does hurt to watch it happen and wonder why not me! Everyone is on their own timetable, but that doesn''t make it not bothersome when someone pulls a complete 180. I had that experience with one of my best friends, actually. She went through a lot of different relationships, felt free to snark about my bf and how maybe we should break up, and then met her now husband--who is GREAT and so good for her--but she immediately started wondering when were WE getting married and they got engaged w/in 10 months.....and had been talking about it after, like, 4 months.....so, yeah, I hear you!! Try not to let it bother you, if that''s possible....your relationship is just the two of you, and you will have the kind of long-earned foundation for your marriage that your sister can only hope for! I know a lot of people have 2 or 3 years sell-by dates, and I think that''s GREAT under the right circumstances with the right people, but it wasn''t the case for my bf and me, just as it''s not for you guys.....it will happen when it happens, and it IS GOING to happen, because here we are on the LIW thread!!

Whew, long winded of me!

Lovey, I was just being silly about that ring--it was more of that kind of pouty selfish "ohhh, now what i like won''t be unique." Kind of a playground "no it''s MINE" reaction!!

Have a great day, all

 

[blueroses]

p.s. Sparkling, it''s actually not my doggie....I have a black mini poodle (I should probably change my avatar?) I found that pink doggie pic on the Internet and just loved it...

SJS, your stone sounds like a STUNNER!!!

Apple and Ginger, I think a double ring-shopping date would actually be really fun.

 

[honeynut]

DG you had me ROFL!!!

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

Well it looks as though everyone had a tough weekend. I guess I wasn''t the only one that had waves in their relaship.

Diamondgeezer: I am so sorry this happened. I know that you must have had a lot of expectations and this must come to a terrible shock to you. Hang in there, give her time. We are here for you to vent/ rant if you need it.

SJS: I am sorry that you had a big blowout. I think if you are happy 100:1 then that is an excellent ratio! Hugs. I agree that proposal after a fight is not ideal.. but well... us woman have little control over it. I am glad you''re feeling better about the situation. I think 1.2 carats is big enough! Whatever makes you comfortable and happy. And I''m sure it''s going to be a gorgeous cut AND a gorgeous ring.

Blueroses: Thanks for the kind thoughts. I do feel bad. Somehow it made it worst that one of my friend''s got engaged. I know that it is selfish and evil, but I''m only human! I''m thinking you''re right about how diamond bezel thing is about to become really popular!

Sparkling: Welcome to the board!

Hopefulheidi: Absolutely I think that a 26 year old man can not be ready for marriage. I''m 24, 9 years with someone and wasn''t ready. I don''t know if that could be labelled as immature exactly

I''ve said it before, and I''ll say it again, for some people it is an issue of timing. Maybe he has plans first, or things he needs to do before he feels that he is ready to settle down. I don''t think there is a specific age that I think men need to be ready (although I think that over 35 yrs old, might signify a commitement phobia).

Molson: Younger sister''s and marriage. I have experience in this subject. I personally wouldn''t mind if my sister got engaged before me. My parents would, and I respect that, but it wouldn''t bother me. However, I remember when my sister started dating her current boyfriend, after 2 months, she said he was "the one" and wanted to get married the following year. I WAS SO WORRIED that she would make the biggest mistake of her life. He was all for that because he was older, wants desperately to get married. However, 3 years, in no engagement, and she says, she definitely does not want to get married anytime soon. I think it was temporary love-blindness. It happens sometimes, even if the person is "the one" you get caught in the whirlwind of it. My sister will probably marry him, but hey.. no rush. She was only 21 at the time so I''m happy she is taking it slow.

 

[hopefulheidi]

Hey gang,
I appreciate all of the great feedback you’ve offered me so far. I’ve been lurking around the boards for well over a year now (it was last February that Nate actually agreed to enter a jewelry store with me to look at all the sparklies and while I didn’t get an engagement ring out of the deal, I got a pretty Valentine’s day necklace so it wasn’t a total waste hehe) but I’ve been lax about posting because the more I post, and the more I read, the longer this entire process seems to take!! I actually had to cut myself off for a number of months because I was driving both Nate and myself insane. I’ve noticed that I’m in good company here though (not implying that anyone else is insane, just that we have a common bond in our frustration!) and I’m probably much better off talking these things over with people in similar situations as opposed to incessantly harassing Nate about the subject

Long story made even longer , my bf and I met right before our last year of college. I was almost 21, he was almost 23 (our birthdays are 2 years and 6 days apart). I had been dumped 4 months before by my fiancé of 3 years, although our relationship had been on a downward spiral for at least a year. I have no doubt that circumstances being what they were, I was completely over my ex and just hoping to explore the world as a newly single minx.

I had dated 2 guys for 2 months each before meeting Nate. (There was a running joke that I had a 2 month expiration date on relationships at that point!). As soon as we met, a huge part of me wanted nothing to do with him because there was no doubt in my mind that this boy would be my next serious long term relationship and part of me didn’t want the fun of the single scene to end. It didn’t take me long to come to my senses though and within a matter of weeks I had lugged most of my stuff into his apartment and we were essentially living together on campus.

2 months into our relationship he was offered a job (to begin after graduation in May) that would take him 1600 miles away from my home, family, friends, and life. We talked a lot about our futures and one evening, he even got down on one knee and asked me to move with him. I was incredibly conflicted about making such a drastic change and I agonized for months to determine whether I could leave everything to be with him. One night, as we lay watching a movie together, I called him by my affectionate nickname “MY Nate” and realized that if I let him move without me, he would no longer be MY Nate. In fact I could loose him to someone else and I had no doubt that would be one of my biggest mistakes/regrets. From that instant on I Knew I had to move to TX to be with him.

Fast forward almost 3 years. We’re now living together in a beautiful house that he purchased 2 years ago. We’ve got 2 loving dogs and a herd of cats and an extremely happy life together. I feel he is so much my equal. I’m free to be my unedited self and he can be the same. We enjoy enough common interests that we find plenty of ways to spend our time together but we are also able to allow each other the alone time that we sporadically need. We’ve fought a lot over the years, which can be a bad sign, but in our case I like to think it’s been a growing experience. Our fights are less hurtful, less intense, and less enduring. We’ve learned how to argue without wounding the relationship. We’ve learned how to compromise and how to respect each other. Our relationship has never been stronger or healthier and as cheesy as it sounds, I find myself loving him more every day

The problem arises when the issue of our potential engagement is broached. Frequently we talk about our wedding and even our future children and he never seems to get spooked. When we start speaking about specifics though he either tells me not to nag or plays the “I’m not ready card.” Within the last couple of days I’ve managed to gather the impression that he just doesn’t feel old enough to get married. He even admitted that he doesn’t feel old enough to own his own house, yet we’ve lived here for 2 years already!

Without making him sound like too much of a child it’s important to explain a little about his personality. His favorite hobby is playing video games, roughhousing with our dogs and occasionally I’ll even catch him watching cartoons. His playfulness and youthful zest for life are some of the very characteristics I love the most about him. During the day he plays the responsible engineer, working hard to provide a good living for us. When we’re together though we spend our free time being silly, making each other laugh, enjoying moments of simple pleasures and pure fun. Of course there are times when we have deep philosophical discussions about politics, religion, racism, but my favorite memories revolve around the unadulterated goofiness we bring into each other’s lives. In this aspect, I find it very possible to believe that he just doesn’t feel mature enough for such a serious commitment.

On the other hand, I’ve asked him to explain his fear of marriage and he can’t seem to create any substantial concerns. He’s agreed that we are essentially living as a married couple without all of the legal arrangements but I can’t help but think he believes that things will change drastically once we’re official. As much as he disregards the things he hears from his married coworkers, I’ve got to assume they have some effect on him. When every married peer that he knows, tells him Not to get married, that marriage changes everything, that they were much happier before they tied the knot, his subconscious has to at least register this as some sort of warning right? So so many marriages end in divorce and in that regard, I can share some of his nervousness but for me at least, I believe our future is worth the risk. No matter how many times he tells me his concerns have nothing to do with me, or with our relationship, a girl can’t help but worry yanno?

His parents were married very young (17 & 19) and will be celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary within the next 2 years. As much as I may not agree with the stern way they still treat Nate, it’s obvious how deeply they love one another. Just being around them makes me want to work even harder to have that same bond in my relationship with Nate. Perhaps their “perfect” marriage works less as a role model and more as an unattainable goal that he fears not being able to reach?

Money is also a deterrent right now, however, if all it came down to was a problem with funds, I’d be ecstatic. If I knew that he truly wanted to buy me a ring but that he couldn’t afford one, this wait would be much easier to bear. Instead there is that little voice that keeps telling me that actions speak louder than words, that he doesn’t want to marry ME for whatever reason, that if he really felt that strongly about me, he’d take the plunge, fear or no fear. I guess some of that baggage is mine alone to carry and that I should be a bit more trusting of his reassurances. It’s just such an emotional situation and hard to be rational when so many feelings are involved.

After all is said and done, I would like to be added to the ladies in waiting list. While I get the impression that I’ll be waiting longer than most (and already feel like I’ve been waiting a lifetime), I’m still idealistic enough to believe that it will happen for Nate and I….plus, I don’t think I could be in any better company!

~Heidi

 

[hopefulheidi]

oh and does anyone else think it''s about time that the moderators gave the Ladies-in-waiting (or ladies and men in waiting) their own folder on these forums?? Forcing us to wade through 365 messages from so many different posters is quite inhumane

~Heidi

 

[kanne]

I''m sorry...this is little rant is totally unrelated..I just CAN''T STAND Jessica/Nick or the sister what''s-her-name!!!

They give me that.."ooooh all the sudden I''ve really had too much beer and I don''t feel too good" feeling.

ahhhhhh. much better now.

- Heidi, 26, in boy years is really young. Don''t worry...it''s been my experience that men get better with age.

 

[allycat0303]

Hopefulheidi: Well sorry to respond again.. I''ve been home so..why not? I think that it is perfectly alright for you to sit him down and get more info on the "I''m not ready". Did he give you specifics?...like I want to get engaged when I have saved up money? Or when I am 29? I think while it is perfectly alright to not be ready, I think you should have an idea about where this relationship is heading. My boyfriend (or ex maybe?) is 26 and has some of the similar characteristics as your. He plays video games all the time, obessed about sports, has a ton of friends and acts like a kid a lot. BUT he is very, very serious about marriage and the future. I would say that I was hindering the process. He had timeline, specs on what he wanted, etc. I think that is important. Sometimes, "I''m not ready" can mean other things (PROBABLY NOT IN YOUR CASE), but one of my friends had the same response and she pushed the issue... he said that he would never be ready because she wasn''t the one. So I think that if you had this talk to him, you would feel much better and much more secure about where the relationship was heading.

 

[jenwill]

Heidi-

I would totally take what he is saying at face value. My guy friends (which is most of my friends) all had in their minds that the ''right'' age for marriage was 29-33. My now BF, soon to be (

- ''boy soon'') FH told me when we started dating that his internal timeline was engaged at 32, married at 33/34, kids at 37ish. Since I am 3 years older, I explained that that timeline needed to be moved up a bit, but it still looks like he won''t be too shy of 32 when he proposes. He has owned his own house for 4 years, is totally together financially/work life, but it is really hard for them to adjust the timeline they have been going over in their heads since they were 15. So, I wouldn''t read too much into his statements at this time...as long as he is telling you that it is in his future. Perhaps you could have him tell you his ''dream timeline'' for major life events. this might give the 2 of you a better place from which to take the debate- not from ''I want it now'' ''I want it sometime'' to ''When do you see yourself att hese points?''

 

[hopefulheidi]

Ally..
I’m thrilled that you’ve taken the time to respond to me!

Unfortunately both Sunday and Monday night we discussed this very issue and I still don’t know exactly what the hold up is. Just last night he jokingly told me not to make it all about Me. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to marry ME or that he doesn’t love ME, it’s just that HE’s not ready.

I’ve noticed the very same thing that you mentioned…the guy I dated right after breaking up with my ex was a commitaphobe. He was 26, had his own apartment, a 6 figure salary and was scared to death of marriage. Immature me, was infatuated with him and rather than listening to my mother’s sage advice (let him pursue you, men like to do the chasing) I probably came on too strong too fast. While I never mentioned marriage, (we were only together 2 months!) it was fairly obvious that I was very interested. My enthusiasm managed to push him away (very tough lesson learned!). We stayed friends though, and about 7 months after we broke up, he met a friend of a friend that showed absolutely no interest in him. The less interested she seemed, the more interested he became. Eventually she gave in, and less than 6 months after dating her, he proposed.

This experience has set off such HUGE warning bells in my head!! I know that every guy is different but I can’t help but fear that this very same thing is happening to me again. I always seem to be the last girl that a guy dates before he finds “the one” **….I was hoping this time around, that my timing would be better!!

**My track record so far:
B – the first boy I ever kissed (at the ripe old age of 17)…engaged and now married to the girl he dated after me.

T- my ex fiancé….was engaged to the girl he dated after me and although they’ve since broken up, they now have a 1 year old son together

J- the one that got away….met R 7 months after dating to me, was engaged to her 6 months after that, and married her 1 year after that (he’s already been engaged and married in less time than Nate and I have been dating!)

C- was engaged to the girl he dated after me…broke things off with her, but has since become a father to yet another girl’s son.

Which brings us to Nate….the last thing I want to do is make him #5 on my growing list of exes that decided after dating me, to marry the next girl they could get their hands on! How frustrating!!

~Heidi

 

[allycat0303]

Heidi!

Hugs! Oh terrible list you have going there! I can see why insecurities would come up. Did he say anything more, aside from, " not making it about you?" As I said it could totally not be about you... i.e. that timing thing I stress so much. Maybe I''m just defensive because I am not ready. BUT, based on what you have already gone through, I would think that some more elaboration on "I''m not ready" is definitely in order. If he gave you some valid reasons, then he it really IS NOT you. I tend to believe that guys say what they mean when they are asked directly.

Take care,

Ally

 

[MelissaSue]

i feel so bad that so many of you girls are having such a rough time in the relationship department! Everyone has their own sorts of troubles. All I can tell you is that you are not alone and most of us have felt the way you do at some point. The only people that can really answer your questions is yourself though!

Sparkling _ I had a couple proposal ring dreams while I was waiting for my e-ring.. but none of them had as much detail and symbolism as yours. WOW that is QUTIE the dream!

 

[Blue824]

Hopefulheidi -- I''d have to agree with who ever said that it was very mature of him to admit that he''s not ready yet. There are so many factors that can play into this: are his parents divorced or a lot of people he knows divorced? (from my experience, the divorced parents factor has a HUGE influence)...Does he have financial issues he wants to take care of? or he might honestly just think he''s too young. I''d have to say that I don''t think its too abnormal at 26. Have you two talked about the future at all? Even if he''s not ready for marriage yet, does he see that happening?

 

[jenwill]

Heidi! I have that exact list! Well, different people of course, but all of my significant past partners are either married to or engaged to the girl they met after me! I thought I was just the ''trainer'' girlfriend, until I met my current BF. I seriously thought that either:

1) I was SUCH a bad girlfriend that the next girl looked like a saint and they each had to propose to them
or
2).....well I guess seriously there was no real ''or'' in my mind...I just thought I was awful and made all other women look good.

Until later on when I met my BF and realized that it wasn''t an option of good/bad, more of a ''just not the right one for me''.

 

[honeynut]

My BF has had pretty much all of his exes run off and get married after breaking up with him. Personally, I just think its that he is such a catch that they needed to prove their ability to be committed. (One didn''t even wait 2 weeks!) AND - they broke up with him, not the other way around. SO weird.

Jen & Heidi: I really think that you should be flattered in some weird way. You were not the one, but something about being with you made it possible for them to recognize the one when they found her. Like they''d never settle for anything less, after you!

 

[Blue824]

Oops, I waited so long to read what everyone else responded and even that you explained your situation (oy, what you miss in just a few hours of being at work!) I didn''t realize that you two had a house together and all of that stuff...Obviously he is committed to you, his issues with marriage might take a little patience on both of your parts, but with I believe it will work out for you two.

Btw, Heidi, I love that your avitar flashes to all your different pets, so cute! So many of them!

 

[hopefulheidi]

Honey...
I''ve gotta admit...your response made me chuckle

A couple of months after J moved on (it wasn''t so much a break up as we were supposed to meet for dinner one evening and he canceled and that was the end of it things just fizzled out) he mentioned this little crush he had on his financial advisor. Of course in my jealousy I told him not to pursue it (we were friends but it''s not like I wanted him to be happy with anyone else

) but asked him to describe the girl to me so I could torture myself a bit more. At one point he said "her hair is curly and reminds me of yours" and we laughed about the possibility that he was attracted to her because she reminded him of me. To this day, my best friend swears that J''s new wife looks a lot like me. Flattering, somewhat, but still a bit of a stab to the old heart

I needed the laugh though, so thanks

 

[hopefulheidi]

Blue...
I appreciate your response nonetheless Nate too, used the fact that we share a house to prove that he was committed (although in a rare freakout Sunday night he referred to it once again as HIS house and said he felt like he was losing control over it...eventually I dragged out of him the fact that he is STILL upset that I brought a pregnant stray cat into the house 8 months ago and that she and her kittens are currently still residing with us until I am able to find them new homes. This was a HUGE disagreement for us previously and I stupidly thought that we had come to a compromise when he agreed that Lola could stay provided that I pay all Vet bills and find her and the babies homes when the time came. This weekend however he admitted that he felt like he lost that fight and that he had conceded by allowing me to proceed as I wanted to. I knew he wasn''t happy about the cats as he makes it a point to remind me constantly that it''s time for them to go, but I didn''t know his resentment was running as deeply as it was/is. He told me the cats were the only real problem he had with our relationship which in my mind seems like pretty good news. If during the course of 8 months you only have one beef with me, I''d say that''s a decent track record. I asked him if he''d propose to me tomorrow, if I got rid of the cats today, and he said yes. Of course I would never drop these kitties off at a shelter just to get a diamond but I think it''s nice to know that there might be some sort of solution...at the same time however, it would require me to do something incredibly out of character, and Nate knows that. He even mentioned that one of the reasons he wants to marry me is because I have such a big heart, although he managed to qualify that with the statement "sometimes too big"..."especially where stray cats are concerned." I find it incredibly hard to believe that our relationship would be worth throwing away over his dislike of the feline persuasion but I guess we''ll see. Later on in the discussion he reverted back to the old “I’m just not ready” statement so I’m not sure what to believe!

I swear I don’t know what’s going on in his head sometimes. He doesn’t want to be nagged and gets defensive when I mention the word Engagement, even if I just want to have a non threatening, calm, discussion about it. He’s very traditional at times as well and refuses to let me chip in toward a ring, or have any say in picking it out. Apparently he’s “already got something in mind” as far as the setting is concerned so I’m afraid that part might be out of my hands altogether (although honestly, I have changed my preferences so much in the past year that it would be a ton easier to let him come up with something! Hehe He’s assured me that he’s listened to all of the coaching I’ve done on the 4 C’s and my preferences and once upon a time when I got him to give me a ballpark estimate on the size stone he would get, it was larger than I had even imagined…..but all of that is putting the cart before the horse.)

I’m to the point now where I don’t even care about getting ring (alright, I care a little, but if it came down to it, I’d take a proposal and no ring over waiting years til he can afford the perfect one) and I honestly don’t care about all of the wedding hoopla; the dress, flowers, music etc etc. I started planning all of that once upon a time when I was young and before I realized that the wedding is just a day, the marriage is for a lifetime, and that’s what needs planning. I just want that level of commitment. I want “our” life to begin. I want to finally have the same last name as Nate and our friggen dogs already!

I soooo wish he was in the same place as me…but wishing won’t make it so

Thanks for the vote of confidence

~Heidi

 

[blue_chica]

hopefulheidi: I would definitely say that your boyfriend could be speaking the truth. 26 isn''t all that old, and it certainly depends on the person. I know for many of my male friends financial stability was a big issue for them before they would consider proposing. It''s a bit old fashioned I suppose, but to guys I think marriage can seem like a big responsibility, one he might not feel ready for yet - which is no reflection on you or your relationship. That would be my best guess as to what''s going on, without knowing more.

Molson: I feel your pain - I have a similar situation - it''s not with my sister, but one of my good friends. I guess for me I feel a bit like engagement is a validation of your relationship (true in some ways, not in others), and to see someone who hasn''t "earned" that validation to not realize they haven''t earned it can be tough, especially if they are telling you things about your own relationship. I would (and am currently) just hunker down as much as possible and remind myself that it doesn''t change anything about my own relationship, doesn''t change anything, doesn''t change anything, doesn''t change anything. I find five or six hundred repetitions get me to the point of smiling and keeping my cool again.

Sparkling, it sounds like your dream was pretty normal. I think probably everyone is a bit fearful of getting an ugly ring, or one that isn''t appropriate, even if only subconsciously. Your own interpretation sounds dead-on, so go with it. Oh, and as for people telling you you are shallow and greedy for wanting the finer things in life - everything in moderation, right? In my experience people who have time to call other people''s desires shallow and greedy are just too lazy and scared to get their own.

 

[blue_chica]

hopefulheidi: Ah crappola, didn''t see the next post of yours further explaining before I posted my own, sorry about that. It does sound like he''s got his financial responsibilities in order. Another possibility to consider is how does he picture marriage changing things? Does he think you''re going to pop out a kid on the way home from the honeymoon? If he''s got terminal adolescent disease (which my BF certainly does in many way, heck, so do I), maybe it''s the possibility of kid-shaped responsibilities freaking him out, because that''s when you really have to "grow-up".

BTW - "herd of cats" = FANTASTIC!

I''ve got three myself.

 

[SJS1234]

Hey guys!! Just wanted to share this -- I just had the most WONDERFUL conversation with Bill Pearlman of Pearlman jewelers -- he is the BEST! I had questions about the Michael B. settings and was having a heck of a time getting info from other retailers. I visited Solomon Bros. during lunch today and though they were nice, they didn''t know squat (and didn''t have what I was lookiing for)! Then I called another jeweler in town -- still no info.....then I called Michael B directly -- got some hateful thing on the phone who had no interest in helping me and basically said that there was no one else there to talk to either!! rats!! Then I remembered Pearlmans and gave them a call. Lisa, a sales rep, answered, but she knew that my questions needed further expertise, so she asked if she could get my number and have someone call me back. Within minutes Bill Pearlman called -- and literally spent an hour with me on the phone -- and not because I was pushing him for more info that he felt obligated to give -- instead he was GENUINELY interested in helping me out and telling about his business and going through DETAILS with me on the different Michael B options. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted because I FINALLY understand what is what, and what the best choices are for me. He is the BEST and I have already told my boyfriend that this is the man to do business with. I don''t care if they are in Michigan and we are in Atlanta, we are definitely going to be giving them business! The EXTRA good thing is that he is completely in tune with the "online" thing. He doesn''t spend a lot of time on pricescope, but he knows that the internet is a necessary tool and he in fact does a lot of internet business himself.... a B&M that understands the internet!! yay!!!

Anyway -- just thought I would share some of my happiness!! I''m going to post this exact paragraph on Diamond Hangout -- I was SO impressed!!!

Sally

 

[Molson]

Thanks everyone for your posts! And your right, my relationship is great and I just need to concentrate on that. Although hard as it is! My sister even made mention once that whoever got engaged first would probably get more money from my parents for the wedding!!! Which I honestly believe my parents are more fair than that! My parents helped my brother with his wedding and the purchase of his first house and also helped my sister when she purchased her house. And I have no intentions of asking them to help more then they are willing. But, my sister would make it a competition!! Sorry about that little side bar.

Heidi, Wow, your bf sounds a lot like mine did 2 years ago!! Unfortunately we broke up because he starting wondering why he was not ready also and thought it was me. Obviously, I was devastated but he came to his senses!

But, it has still been 2 years and no proposal! So trust me, I know how you feel!! My bf is still very playful, sports, video games, etc and all his friends are married and even that never phased him. He didn''t care, he is very independent and not into what other people think which bugs me sometimes! He just turned 29 and I think is finally as ready as he will ever be! So, I would try to just make sure your bf believes you are the ''one''. And if that is the case, unfortunately, it''s just going to take him some time to be ready. It of course isn''t going to be easy at times but, I think he''ll come around real soon!!!

Well, I think we could all use some cheering up so I''m going to try to post some pictures of what I think my ring may look like!! These are some of the pictures I showed my bf. Now, mind you I also told him if he didn''t have $ or didn''t like these I would take a RBC in a platinum band and get an eternity for my w-ring. So, he may have gone that route.

 

[Molson]

Here is another...............

 

[blueroses]

Wow, as usual this thread is moving FAST!

Molson, those are so pretty! And I have to say, that's a bratty thing for your sister to say re: $$ from parents. I think I definitely agree with Blue Chica's mantra of "It doesn't matter......"!! It is hard to remember that none of our relationships lose or gain any value based on the other relationships around us....it just feels that way sometimes!

Heidi, I'm not sure if I properly welcomed you? Welcome!

I will be the third "blue" chiming in here, and I agree with what most everyone has said. You guys have really built a life together, and I think the not ready may just be not ready. Looking back at my bf at 26 he was--of course the same guy--but radically different! I think that a man's late 20s are a really important time in terms of growth, development, and accepting that they're actually an adult. That said, I think your guy could still be ready before mine (who will probably be 32 before he proposes, unless it happens before April.)...the fact that he has so many of his ducks in a row--and what you've described about your relationship--really leads me to believe that it's just about him not being "ready" in terms of HIM--not you. He likely just doesn't feel that he's as much of a "grown-up" as he feels like he's supposed to be. I agree with what JenWill said about discussing his idea of the "ideal timeline." And I'm SURE that the cat comment was somewhat tongue-in-cheek too. Good for you for rescuing that sweet mama kitty!! Hang in there--you're in the right place! I have to say, what you, Honeynut, and Jenwill mentioned used to be a huge fear of mine when my bf and I were having a rough time: that we'd break up and he'd find someone else and marry her in like, a year!! I have that fear of being the "breaker-in-er!"

OOh, girls, tonight on TBS is the Sex and The City where Carrie discovers the UUUUUGGly ring that Aidan has bought her

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 1/11/2005 5:20

9 PM
Author: SJS1234
Hey guys!! Just wanted to share this -- I just had the most WONDERFUL conversation with Bill Pearlman of Pearlman jewelers -- he is the BEST! I had questions about the Michael B. settings and was having a heck of a time getting info from other retailers. I visited Solomon Bros. during lunch today and though they were nice, they didn''t know squat (and didn''t have what I was lookiing for)! Then I called another jeweler in town -- still no info.....then I called Michael B directly -- got some hateful thing on the phone who had no interest in helping me and basically said that there was no one else there to talk to either!! rats!! Then I remembered Pearlmans and gave them a call. Lisa, a sales rep, answered, but she knew that my questions needed further expertise, so she asked if she could get my number and have someone call me back. Within minutes Bill Pearlman called -- and literally spent an hour with me on the phone -- and not because I was pushing him for more info that he felt obligated to give -- instead he was GENUINELY interested in helping me out and telling about his business and going through DETAILS with me on the different Michael B options. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted because I FINALLY understand what is what, and what the best choices are for me. He is the BEST and I have already told my boyfriend that this is the man to do business with. I don''t care if they are in Michigan and we are in Atlanta, we are definitely going to be giving them business! The EXTRA good thing is that he is completely in tune with the ''online'' thing. He doesn''t spend a lot of time on pricescope, but he knows that the internet is a necessary tool and he in fact does a lot of internet business himself.... a B&M that understands the internet!! yay!!!

Anyway -- just thought I would share some of my happiness!! I''m going to post this exact paragraph on Diamond Hangout -- I was SO impressed!!!

Sally

Sally:

I have to agree with you 100%. After looking for the perfect ring I stumbled upon Bill''s website and I will never ever buy another piece of jewelry from anyone else. EVER! PERIOD! During the 3-4 months search for my ring we have developed a relationship that has blossomed into friendship. I know keep in touch with him and his wonderful wife regularly! You are lucky that you remembered Pearlman''s because you will not be dissapointed.

Bill did EVERYTHING for me! He is so wonderful that I trusted him without a doubt to pick my center stone!! It is the MOST beautiful thing I have EVER seen.. It sparkles like mad. Just today I got 5 compliments on my ring one lady even covered her eyes and said, honestly, the thing is blinding.

Bill is not your regular jeweler he really cares! I lived in Florida at the time that we purchased my ring. There was never one single problem. He even sent he settings I was interested in to my home so I could "play" with them for a day!! I will recommend him to everyone and anyone until the day that I die as well! I am so glad you found him. If you have any problems getting your bf to commit to buying online. Send him my way!

 

[blueroses]

WOW, SJS and FTLOD, thank you so much for the "report" on Bill Perlman. It is so wonderful to know that there are jewelers like that out there!

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 1/11/2005 8:32:57 PM
Author: blueroses
WOW, SJS and FTLOD, thank you so much for the ''report'' on Bill Perlman. It is so wonderful to know that there are jewelers like that out there!

Blue! You are welcome! I wish they were all like that!

 

[katrina_33]

Hi all! I wanted to chime in re: guys generally not being ready for marriage:

I think it is totally possible, and downright common for a guy at that age to just plain not be ready for marriage. Unless he''s a real jerk, he wouldn''t stay in a long term relationship with a girl he knew to be ready and willing to marry him if he didn''t feel the same way. So, it''s not about you, it''s about him. And it sounds like it''s not about him being anti-marriage, just really needing to be ready for it.

Think about it - it''s a huge, huge, huge deal. This is the biggest single life decision you will ever make. It''s something you live with for the rest of your life. It actually terrifies me when I think about it too too much!!!! LOL! Just the idea of making a life long, irreversible commitment is really a lot to comprehend, and something that you want to take the time to totally comprehend before you start to move forward.

My boyfriend is 31 and slowly, slowly becoming ready to make that kind of commitment. When we had a big talk about it a while back, he said that he takes the idea SO seriously, and WILL just be married once in his life, no matter what, so he just needs to be completely ready and sure. He doesn''t want to get engaged because everyone else is, or because it seems normal/logical after a certain period of dating. His friends are starting to get engaged / married, and he''ll straight up say to me "Sorry, I''m just not as mature or sure of myself as those guys! I wish I were, but I''m not!" He grew up without a dad, and my parents went through a horrible divorce when I was a teenager, so we''re acutely aware of the fact that so many marriages don''t work out, and of the repercussions when they don''t. He''s cautious and kind of healthily pessimistic about marriage (if there is such a thing). By this I just mean that he doesn''t take it casually.

But, I feel comforted knowing that when he does ask, it will because he really knows what it takes and wants it, and not because he feels obligated or thinks it will be easy. I know he thinks I''m the one, and that''s the direction it''s moving or he would of course tell me that he''s having deeper concerns about our relationship.

You''re in my boat Heather - he''s not afraid of being close to you, sharing everything with you, etc, because you already live together and have pets together. Sounds like the relationship is great. He feels that you''re "the one." Marriage is his ultimate goal, and he understands that he needs to be consciously working to become ready for it, even if it takes longer than for some guys.

Ladies, think about how long we take and how much obsessing we do over the engagement ring, wanting to be absolutely sure, since we will wear it for the rest of our lives. I''ve been looking for over 2 years now, on and off and still don''t feel like I''d be totally ready to commit if I was asked tomorrow to say for sure what I wanted. And that''s just a RING! Something that you actually can switch out, tradeup, etc later if it really comes down to it!!! Not so with spouses!!!!

My new attitude is, if the relationship is good, unless you''re immediately ready to have children, or you''re waiting on marriage to move in together or have sex, and really can''t wait to, what is the big rush? If you trust that you''re with the person you''re going to marry, what difference does an extra year make before the engagement? Especially when in that extra year he has matured and become totally ready and 100% on board with the whole process whereas before he might have been somewhat nudged into it?

It gets weird, because we want "proof" that when they say they know we''re the one, etc, they really mean it and aren''t just saying it to placate us. We just think "If he''s sure about me, what''s the problem?" I totally get that POV as well - it makes a lot of sense to me when people say "after 2 years with me, you should know whether or not you want to marry me." But I think lots of guys know they want to marry you, they just aren''t actually ready to do it!!!

You can love kids and know you want them, but just not be ready to have them yet. With me, I have an internal sense of readiness, not a timeline per se but I feel that it will be about 5 more years before I''m ready. Even though it would still be joyous to get pregnant before I was totally "ready" it would be much better to be able to plan it thoroughly, and be totally prepared.

Same with marriage! He knows for sure he wants to marry you, but just isn''t actually ready for it to happen.

Unfortunatley sometimes I start to worry along the lines of "why buy the cow when you''re getting the milk for free" and I want to start playing games, or wish I''d withheld something (like living together) until marriage. I go through the gambit!!! But ultimately, I just have to trust that he''s not unsure of me or our relationship, allow him the fact that he''s just really humbled by the idea of marriage and not quite ready for it, stop making this process all political and tactical, and do what I can to make the relationship great and help him feel comfortable taking the next step.

 

[teebee]

You all are so hard to keep up with!!! And I''ve got so much studying to do, so I''ll keep it short:

Re: not being ready at 26... that is completely and totally plausible and valid in my book. Now, if he were saying he''s not ready for a commitment (which is clearly not the case given your living situation), then I would say run. But, I agree that these mid to late 20''s can be a really big period of growth and maturation for guys and girls both. Seriously, I don''t think I would have been ready at 26 (although I thought I was, but that one left me and got married 4 months later...). And my boyfriend is 31, so by the time we get married, he''ll probably be 33, me 32... I think you''re probably dead on with a great deal of your analysis (a 30 year happy marriage is a lot to live up to ~ w/ me, if I keep my marriages to less than 4 then I''ve done better than both of my parents, ACK!!).

Molson ~ I''m an only child so I don''t have a lot of experience... It sucks though... I see the same kind of competition thing going on at times w/ my mom & her sister. It''s awful because my aunt always sees things as a competition, feels resentful or slighted, when my mom is completely clueless that she''s even done anything wrong to make her sister feel inadequate. Very tough place to be. (((hugs)))

Okay, gotta go, but I gotta post one more thing...