Ladies-In-Waiting Part III

[teebee]

Yep, I saw it too, blueroses ~ BEEYOOTIFUL!! I''m thinking Tacori, but I dunno... I''m a big giant dork too!! But my favorite part was the little outtake at the end where Chris the host was kinda making fun of Chris from Kentucky, I about choked I was laughing so hard!!

All I got to say is you ladies are cooler than a bucket of beer!! Or was it a bucket of free beer?!?

DG ~ Oh.... rough week for you indeed. So sorry dear. I will have to agree with honeynut though, her refusal to give you her address leads me to believe that she''s got something to hide, or something strange going on... I can understand not wanting to give it too quickly... but never? I hope you do get some further clarification on this from her, you deserve more than such a vague explanation. (((hugs)))

Time for bed, goodnight all!

 

[blueroses]

Indeed, it was a bucket of FREE beer!!! Too funny

 

[NoonersMom]

Hi all....you go away for a week-end and it takes the same amount of time to read through the posts. hehe. Well, not quite.

HeartsOnFire - I know many on here have responded, but I felt very strongly that I needed to reply. First and foremost, your bf should be open to your culture and learning about something that is such a deep & essential part of you. I can''t understand why he wouldn''t want to see your hometown, to see & experience your customs first hand, etc. It''s such an important part of the process of truly connecting...IMO...of truly & fully understanding who you are...the person that he fell in love with.

Which brings me the visa situation......my girlfriend says it best when she says that "(insert name) does not give up her job, her friends, her family, her city, her life for a BF"! It sounds as though you have made the sacrafices and he hasn''t. I implore you to start working on a Plan B. Until he proves otherwise, you may want to look for a job, make alternative plans. As some have said, it''s all air until the actions back it up. I know it sounds harsh, but that''s the practical reality of it. A girl has to look out for herself! Either way, I hope everything truly works out for you and your BF. Where there are communication and humility, there are positive outcomes.

To those that have a 2 year dating policy (can''t remember the names....too many posts the last few days), rock on girlfriend! I am right there with you. We are approaching two years Jan 17th. I doubt he will propose by that time as we are searching for a center stone, but I know there is movement & am secure in his intentions. We traveled to Malaysia together in November to meet his family. (He''s hindu, originally from Malaysia).

BlueRoses - I saw the ring tonight. I don''t know who designed it, but it''s going to be popular soon! Darn it! While going through this process I started out loving Endless Love, but have found that I want to make modifications to it. I don''t like precious having to share the stage with platinum. Filigree it is for me. (I think that''s what the edging is called). Also, thanks for the info on BBB/Zales. Would never of known. That''s similar to Ford owning Hertz....explains why 99.9% of the cars are Fords. hehe.

 

[goldengirl]

Yeah, I read that Tacori was "the" brand for the Bachelorette, so it probably is.

I have a maximum lease, too: mine''s three years. I told Kyle (I believe, on our very first date!) that for me, there is NO reason that after three years you would not know one way or the other if you wanted to be with me for a lifetime. I think three years is enough time to get to know someone and make that decision. Somehow he misheard me and thought I meant we had to be MARRIED by the three-year mark, but didn''t tell me of this misconception until recently. No matter: luckily for us, we ended up being a good match and neither of us want to wait very long, and so we will most likely be married on our third dating anniversary, anyway.

 

[heartsonfire]

... I just want to keep my head away from my worries...

yes I watched the Bachelorette too... it will be fab... she is so sweet... I hope she picks the right guy for her... I think it will be Jerry... it will be to good to be true though...

you can really tell she got hurt with Andrew... his lost... but she moved on...

I guess the ring will be Tacori... who knows maybe Graff (I''ve seen something similar in London with my bf)... not sure Harry Winston coz they had them in the previous shows already (also Tacori)... maybe Leon Mege... who knows... was gorgeous though... this will be a great show... (posted a little late... GG says it''s Tacori!!!)

Honeynut: Oh boy I know what you mean about the Canadian US thing... I''m sorry to hear your troubles too... I hope everything works out fine... about the passport issue... I had to give up my PH... when I was working on my german passport there was a law that you could only get one... now the law has changed and people may ask for the dual citizenship... oh well... I''m not complaining...

SJS: awwwwwwwwww sorry to hear that you had a huge blow out... my gosh I just hope I didn''t start this... I''m so sorry... I really didn''t want to make you guys feel miserable... I will try to research on what you came with... regarding infos on travelling to Manila... Thank you so much... SJS... you both will recover and you both will be just fine...

Blueroses: I know I heard and read the same... what a coincidence that your room mate was filipina... by the way I saw your pic with your beau - he''s so tall and you looked so pretty in that red dress... you make a lovely couple...

NoonersMom: There will definitely be a plan B... I''m already working on it... but I still have to talk to him and tomorrow will be best it''s his day off...

Good night ladies...

 

[Shay]

No engagement Hearts on Fire

I think you misread, it was my christmas pressy. But lots of people have double checked to see which hand its on!

I will take photos and post pics of my rings as soon as I can. I have looked for a trillion e-ring online but i can''t find anything like what I saw. I guess diamond trillions aren''t fashionable as the main stone, only as side accents.

To everyone having a hard time right now just remember that life has to have some downs ... so that the good times feel even better when they come along... and I promise they WILL come along. {{{

}}}

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

her refusal to give you her address leads me to believe that she''s got something to hide, or something strange going on... I can understand not wanting to give it too quickly... but never?

well she told me months ago that there was something, but she didn''t want to tell me and she got really upset when I brought it up, so I didn''t. but whatever it was, it would not have mattered to me anyway. I love her and the only thing that would stop us being together would be if she was already married and I asked about 3 times and she said no. there is nothing else that would have changed anything. I just worried about her keeping it bottled up and worrying about it, didn''t matter what it was. but I thought she would tell me at some point (and I hope she still will), because then she will know for certain that there is nothing that could change the way I feel about her. what upsets me the most is that I am not there for her, I don''t know how she is feeling

I hope she gets in touch today, she is everything to me

thank you all for your support, I really does mean a lot to me! esp. as I don''t have anyone else to turn to. please pray for God to change her mind, because we are meant to be together.

argh, it is 6:36!!! I have to go to work now... ok, I''ll be back about 6 my time... 1pm E.S.T. I think... I will thank you all properly then, bye for now!

 

[katrina_33]

Shay, here''s one from www.jewelryexpert.com that seems to fit your description. I think they even have more examples on that site.

It''s *way* to near my bedtime for me to even try to respond to everyone else who is going through so much right now, hopefully I''ll get a chance to tomorrow... I am thinking happy thoughts for you all though!

 

[MelissaSue]

oooh. if shay''s ring is anything like the one katrina posted.. I want one!

 

[Shay]

It is sort of similar to that one katrina thanks.

The difference is that the trillion was surrounded by tiny rounds in a sort of pave manner. Which of course added to the bling factor.

 

[sparkling]

OK, after months of lurking, I need to join this forum. If I don''t have someplace to talk about the wait, it will probably kill me. My soon to be ex-husband left me a year ago and while according to conventional wisdom, I probably shouldn''t have, I immediately became involved in a new relationship. Originally I was just trying to meet someone to hang out with but things had been bad with hubby for many years and I guess even though his leaving was a total shock and ego blow, I was ready for someone who would woo me and appreciate me and getting into this new relationship has been the best thing that''s ever happened to me. So the new BF and I have been together for a year now (long enough that we''ve fought, we''ve discussed everything, and we''re well past the blissful new love phase) and he keeps saying he wants to get engaged as soon as my divorce is final which should be any day now. I am crazy about him and feel like he really appreciates me. My former husband thought I was a big fat materialist for wanting an engagement ring and then after a year long engagement I pretty much had to threaten to move to Scotland to get him to show up at the justice of the peace''s office and get married. New BF actually bought what sounds like a very nice ring .98 ct GIA cert in platinum mounting for a gal who broke off their engagement a few years back and has told me he will upgrade that for my ring so all''s groovy right? Except that I''m certifiably nuts, I think.

So last night I had this dream that the new BF asked me to marry him only he got it all completely wrong. He did it matter of factly, while we were getting ready for bed, but there were all these people standing around waiting for me to say yes and the house was a disaster area-no sign of romance anywhere (in real life our bedroom is immaculate even if no place else is in the whole house). But anyway, in the dream, instead of the 1.5 ct H&A Triple Ideal platinum solitaire of my dreams (G, SI1) for which I''ve been longing, or even a single carat with 1/2 carat round or pear sidestones or even baguettes, he gave me a silver clock, a silver watch and the ugliest engagement ring ever; it was set in a gold band with bezel set .10-.15 dark greyish brown lumps sprinkled around unevenly, and then the center diamond was in a prong setting up over the band in some sort of white metal about .2cts the least sparkly, almost sandy looking little chunk of carbon; you couldn''t see through it, or into it, and it didn''t have any facets. And he didn''t even really give it to me, his secretary (he doesn''t have a secretary) walked up and said, 1 ct of diamonds total weight" and dropped the little box in my lap. Oh, and we lived in Cleveland and instead of Virginia and rather than living out in the country and having deer on our property, we had to take the train to work and the train was held up by ferrets crossing! I kid you not, ferrets (they were the best part of the dream but oh, that weasel symbolism.) The other thing was, I got the impression everyone in the dream was excited about this hideously ugly ring and I was like I was wrong for feeling cheated.

Now the good news is the bf in my dream looked nothing like my actual bf. And the BF in my dream had children and I was chalking the engagement ring debacle up to him not being able to support me and support his children simultaneously (that was how it was with my ex-hubby). Actual BF doesn''t even have children. I was so relieved when I woke up to be with my actual BF. But I do remember thinking in the dream that I thought my BF knew me and would make me happy but I guess I was wrong. It was so disappointing! Am I the only one with these issues? I think it stems from the ex-hubby. His father never gave his mother an e-ring and he resented getting in debt to get me one. Looking back on it, I shouldn''t have asked him to get in debt for one but should have extracted a promise that I would have one when he could afford it. And maybe I should have just known myself and known that I wouldn''t stand a chance with someone who thought my interest in having some of the finer things in life meant I was shallow and greedy. I know my BF won''t be putting a $20,000 ring on my finger and I''m not sure I''d want him to given that we aren''t filthy rich and have some other things in life we''d like to do/have, but I also know he would die before he got me something ugly. So now I''m feeling totally guilty and ashamed for even thinking these thoughts even though I thought them in a dream. But the fact is, that if BF gave me a ring tomorrow and it was "all wrong" like in my dream, I just simply couldn''t marry him. I just don''t want to be with someone who doesn''t take the time and make the effort to know what I like and who thinks I''m wrong for liking what I like. This is all making me feel superficial and shallow.

Any moral support I can get about this would be great. I can''t talk to anyone about this because I know everyone will say don''t you think you ought to give it more time before you even think about getting married again (I turn 38 next month and don''t have alot of time-maybe that was why I got a watch and clock in the dream!!!). Bizarrely the clock was very pretty with all sorts of sterling silver cutouts and moving parts.

So, please add me to your list. I pledge not to wheedle and cajole BF, but I know I will go absolutely bannanas the minute I get my divorce decree if he does''t drive me straight to the jeweler. And I know that''s wrong too but its hard after years and years of mediocrity to be excited and not think it won''t all fall apart or blow up in my face.

Sparkling

 

[appletini]

Welcome Sparkly: Don''t fret about the e-ring nightmare, I''ve had several of those, and I''m sure that everyone else has too. I''m so glad that you found someone that makes you happy, especially after an unhappy marriage...sounds to me you know what you want. I''m sure that he won''t want to keep you waiting too much longer.

 

[teebee]

Welcome Sparkling ~ quite a dream you had there!! Yep, the clock, sounds like part of your brain is definitely focused on that tick tock.

So, I''m on my way to class, but I''m sure some of the others will be along soon for more in-depth dream analysis!! And, I''ll just say that everyone is different, we all have different time tables that are right for us ~ I understand other people thinking it''s too soon, but... since you want kids and you''re 38, then perhaps this is exactly the way that things are supposed to happen and unfold for you!!

Okay, gotta go ~ everyone have a great and happy day ~ and if that won''t happen because of current circumstances, do something nice for yourself!!

 

[SJS1234]

Sparkling, you are cracking me up with your dream story!! Especially the clock part!! haha!!!
I don't think you are crazy at all -- my situation is somewhat similar in fact. I was married before to a man I had been with for 7 years -- he was a wonderful husband, but we weren't happy -- well, I wasn't happy, and I think he was just too scared to see it too. I finally left, but not because I wanted a divorce, I just thought that if we separated we would be "forced" to look at our relationship more clearly and find out what was missing. There was absolutely no intimacy -- it was more like a friendship or a brother-sister relationship even. He was heart-broken at first, but within a month or two he was a completely different person -- all into the new, single life -- messing around, profile on match.com -- the works. I was DEVASTATED!!!!!! absolutely crushed, and scared and horrified......I spent a year dealing with that before we were finally divorced. Last January (right before the divorce was final), I met my current bf. I spent the first few months pushing him away because I knew he wanted more of a relationship than I could handle at the time. I was still hurt and angry and all that jazz.....but this guy just kept hanging around and supporting me and loving me.....and one day -- out of the clear blue, I realized that I was truly happy with him, and no longer sad about the past. It's like a switch came on and I knew that he was the one for me. He is WONDERFUL, and was so patient with me. I spent the next couple of months in pure bliss, then realized that hey -- what the heck am I waiting for? I love this man, he wants to marry me -- I am completely happy! SO, we starting looking at rings back in November, and a few weeks ago we found "the diamond" (thank you Mark Turnowski!!). This month I've known him for a year, and it's only been a year since my divorce was final -- so see, you're not the only one. I'll be 32 in April..........it's just not the same when you're a little older and you've been through a failed marriage.....You just KNOW what works and what doesn't. This works for me. I mentioned in an earlier thread that we had a blowout on Friday -- and I was SO upset about it.....but it's been a few days, and I realize that hey, one fight over several months is really not a deal-breaker! It's just harder to fight with him that it ever was with my ex, because I REALLY REALLY care about this person, and i want it to be perfect!!!! The great thing about he and I is that we are on the same page, and we want to work through things, so we do. It's a beautiful and rewarding and BLISSFUL thing, to know you are going to grow together!!

wow, got off on a tangent there -- sorry!! I'll I wanted to say was that once you've experienced certain things in your life, you just KNOW. you know what's right for you and what's wrong for you -- and you just have to trust your instincts.

BlueRoses -- I am SO excited that "it" is in the works!!! I'm feeling better (as you can see above) -- so no worries. When is your official move?
Oh, and I'm so bad about keeping up with tv -- even though I love love love those shows.....I always end up catching it in the middle or end of the series. Why was the bachelorette on so late last night, and was it the premier, or the end or what? I need to catch up!!!!!

 

[kanne]

sparkling - welcome! What an interesting dream. What does this dream mean to you? Yes, I agree that the clock symbolism is obvious, but what about the "disaster area" house? This could represent your current (subconscious ) state of mind after going through a traumatic divorce. Hmmm. And the people standing around you waiting for you to say yes?? Who could they be and what importance do they have in your life?

oh blueroses... that's a gorgeous LM ring!!! I've become more and more appreciative of yellow/pink/champagne diamonds. I didn't watch the Bachelorette last night but will now have to do a search for the ring.

Are you worried that demand for this style will increase and the market will be temporarily flooded with cheap knock-offs?

btw..if any of you are looking for wedding jewelry, my BF just turned me on to Doyle and Doyle (think it's doyledoyle.com). The estate earring section is incredible. I just paid off my credit cards (yay!) but could be tempted to blow some serious cash on a pair of those... BAD PRICESCOPE! BAD! BAD!

gg- excellent advice about getting off the internet and checking in with the honeys. lol! love that.

happy morning to all and hugs to diamondgeezer
-lovey

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

I checked out the bachelorette ring as well... looked like maybe a Ritani or a Tacori..

 

[njc]

Big hugs to everyone!!! I cant even begin to imagine what you all are going through. Hopefully everything will work out... i believe strange things happen for a reason.

 

[sparkling]

Appletini, Teebee, and SJS, Thanks for the reassurances. I figured that I was not alone with my nightmares. Its good to have this forum to talk about things though.

SJS I used to never fight with my ex. Never. And we had the whole brother sister problem too. I actually thought for the longest time there was something biologically wrong with me that I didn''t want to do the marital deed with him. Now I''ve done alot of research on marriage and relationships and realize 2 things. 1, while fighting sucks (it really does something to us physiologically that''s quite unpleasant) its not the end of the world. The important thing is that he hear your point and you feel heard. Its hard for me to get over the fighting too but I think its better than the alternative (avoiding each other and turning into siblings). The more important thing is to make sure you have plenty of good experiences to make up for the fighting. A psychologist Gottman talks about a 5 to 1 ratio of good to bad. One thing I''m doing now is taking care of my relationship and not waiting for the other person to sprinkle it with good feelings and experiences. I am much more engaged, which is good. Anyway I hope you aren''t too despondent over fighting. I know the feeling of wanting the proposal to be "right" and to happen when you''re happy. If you get a chance to go to premarital counseling it might be good to talk about how you need time to regroup after a fight and for y''all to agree that fighting is part of the relationship and doesn''t spell the end of it.

Lovey, those people in the dream were saying things like, what kind of girl wouldn''t want that ring ? People (including my ex) have said that I am impossible to please and my BF bought me a present recently which he said he completely understood if I didn''t like it but then his feelings got hurt when I wanted to return it. I know he does have concerns about whether he''ll make me happy and I worry all the time that I''m too picky. Anyway, my mother is the queen of critical and I always feel like everything I do needs to be beyond perfect to avoid her wrath/scorn/criticism and everyone''s just looking at everything I do, criticially scrutinizing it. I think the people in my dream waiting for me to say yes are
1. the critics in my life who are waiting for me to screw up again (like my mother)
2. The people (like my ex) who think I''m impossible to satisfy
3. And the people (like my ex) who think that having anything nice means depriving someone else in an evil capitalist way (don''t they realize that buying an engagement ring helps to feed, clothe and educate the people in the jewelry business?-yes I know all about blood diamonds and don''t want to open up that can of worms here but for the sake of argument, my ex seemed to have something against anything of quality just on principle and I think he felt he wasn''t good enough to want things so why should I).

Also I just realized that the secretary in the dream looked just like BF''s father''s girlfriend. I am worried she will be jealous of me for getting married to BF when she''s not been married. In the dream she was scornful of me for requiring a token of his committment. I am worried that if his family knew all about my past, they''d talk him out of being with me. Rationally I know there''s no way that would happen as he just doesn''t care about their opinions that much but with someone else it might be a real worry and I just keep waiting for him to wake up and come to his senses about being with me; I have been feeling like something of a reject since the ex left, like used goods or something.

In the dream when we were riding in on the train, the lights lit up all the ferret''s little glowing eyes and we had so slow down for them. I think the ferrets (weasels) were again all those people I''m worried about, scrutinizing and derailing me (OK if that wasn''t what all this meant I have just worked it all into one heck of a metaphor anyway).

I guess my thing with the ring in the dream that was so startling is that it would be one thing if my BF could only afford a tiny lump of carbon, at least he could put it in a white gold solitaire, knowing my preference for white metal. But the facts are he can afford something very nice and while I know he can be frugal and be a saver, its not like the ring is going to be smaller than or less nice that what he gave In my dream it was like he went psychotic with the random diamonds and the wrong color metal, the wrong, shape, the wrong place etc...When I woke up I was like, God I hope he hasn''t bought a ring yet, I have to go shopping with him. I''d like to be able to just let my guard down and trust him. He has excellent taste and is very trustworthy on all accounts except he''d never see the need for blinding bling; I don''t either really but a little part of me would like to make everyone else''s jaws drop.

SJS, I do know what I want. You are correct about that. I just got off the phone with someone who said, you sound really happy with him. And I do! I just need to ignore the naysayers (weasels) and try to recognize that BF isn''t going to turn into somebody else and that all the critics out there aren''t worth my time or attention.

Anyway, thanks again.
Sparkling

 

[Croí]

hi all !
haven''t been near a computer since Friday, just logged on quick at home to catch up; but there isn''t a hope I''ll be able to. when I was on last we were at page eight, now twelve !! skimmed through. welcome to all the newbies. HoF, I guess something ''bad'' happened but I didn''t find your original post - *hugs* to you though, hope things work out.

DG - what happened with you ? she won''t give you her address ?? I''ll have to try to find more time tonight (late) to try to read back and catch up.

on a GREAT note, congrats BoL on moving onwards and upwards (though Brazil is technically below us, er...

)
good for you - enjoy yourself, have fun !

can''t stay on now, nothing much new from me. my sweetie was great at the weekend when I had an unpleasant encounter with someone from my past that upset me. regardless of whether he asks me soon or not, I have no doubts it''s going to happen. he''s just the best thing that has ever happened to me.

will try to check in again later.
miss you all
me

 

[hopefulheidi]

I know I’m not yet part of the ladies in waiting crew but I was hoping to get at least some generic opinions on my current relationship quandary. I don’t want to share too many details at this point because I’m afraid my connotations may influence everyone’s opinions and I’d like some matter of fact perspective first.

Does anyone here believe that a 26 year old man can genuinely not feel ready for marriage due to his own immaturity and not a flaw that he sees in his current relationship? Can he spend 3.5 years with one person, in a caring, and loving relationship and still feel scared of marriage without that reflecting on his feelings towards his girlfriend? Or, is this case of cold feet a sign of deeper relationship doubts that he just isn’t willing to confront?

I’d really appreciate hearing your honest gut reactions to such a situation and perhaps even some of your own similar stories if you’re willing to share. I’m obviously too closely invested in this relationship to be even partially objective but I’m expecting that someone here has felt my pain and can offer some guidance!

Thanks,
Heidi

 

[gingerBcookie]

Date: 1/10/2005 7:59:55 PM
Author: appletini
Ginger: it would be so funny if we went on an e-ring shopping double date...lol!

lol...that would be a kick! although i think our respective bfs would think we were certifiable!

 

[honeynut]

Does anyone here believe that a 26 year old man can genuinely not feel ready for marriage due to his own immaturity and not a flaw that he sees in his current relationship?

Hopeful, I certainly do. This would actually be quite a mature thing for an immature person to say. You may just have a guy on your hands who knows himself very well, and is able to be honest about his feelings and intentions. If you are going to continue to love and be with this person, you can''t let the desire to get married get in the way of your happiness. That kind of feeling can turn into bitter resentment and eat away at your love from the inside out.

Now - if he is saying that because he is not ready for marriage, but still wants to stay with you, I believe him. If he is trying to end your relationship, I think it is an excuse.... UNLESS you have already let an obsession to get married turn into a resentful bitterness, which I truly do believe is a wedge that will drive any loving couple apart. If this is the case, I wish you would have found us sooner, to have a support group that will share in your stress and excitement so you don''t take it all out on him.

We will be here to support you through whatever hard time you''re going through. Hang in there girl

 

[Molson]

Wow, it seems a lot of us are having a hard week!! Mine isn''t because of bf though or our future, thank goodness. But, I still really need to get something off my chest. If anyone has any advice I''d love to hear it but I''m not sure if anyone will so that is why I think it is probably therapeutic if I get it off my chest!!

Little background info: My bf and I have been together for almost 6 years, we broke up for about 4 months a couple years ago. During that time my sister, who is 2 years older, has had many on and off relationships. Some have been serious but when it doesn''t work out she is always so cynical of my relationship with my bf. She constantly would complain about how my friends were too young to be married and haven''t lived their life. I know she was partly that way because she has gotten burnt in the past but you don''t have to think every young marriage is bound for failure!! And when my bf and I broke up she of course felt bad that I was hurting so bad but let me know how it was foolish of me to think I would marry my college sweetheart w/o taking a break? What?? And even when my bf and I got back together, she was upset I didn''t get out and date when we were apart! The thought of going on a date made me sick to my stomach because I would just be so sad it wasn''t Pete. And I knew I wanted to marry him so why get myself upset. Now, I did make a point of going out with guy friends just to have fun and enjoy myself. But, I never wanted to date, that isn''t why we were apart. She is my sister and I love her to death but she was just always way to negative for marriage and always said she would never have kids so it was up to me.

Well let''s fast forward a few years... In August she met a really good guy and they were very serious very quickly, I mean within 6 days they were talking marriage. Now, of course at first I was very skeptical just because I didn''t want her to get hurt again. And the fact that she made a complete 180 in a matter of days drove me crazy! All the sudden she was telling me my bf needed to make a commitment if he wanted to keep me and that we weren''t getting any younger, I''m 27 he is 29. She couldn''t'' believe I wasn''t pressuring him for a ring!!! I was in shock, so needless to say we didn''t talk a lot for a few months. She also lost contact with her best friend, I wonder why, she was a totally different person. Now, I''ve had time to adjust to her new relationship and I really am happy she may have finally found the one, she deserves to be happy. But, she is way too dependent upon him. Every time I ask her to go to dinner or something it''s always, "we" have plans for this or that. It''s never, yeah let me call my bf and tell him I''m going out. I haven''t seen her without him in 6 months but one time!!! She told be once that she thought they would be engaged by Christmas. I said that is so funny that is around the time Pete and I were thinking. She goes oh well I don''t want to rain on your parade then. Which you may think, oh that is so nice of her right? Well, I never believed it for a second!! She would in a heart beat. She is older so she thinks she should get married first even though I''ve been with Pete for 6 years and her 6 months! My parents are even routing for her to get engaged, always asking her when she thought. And they NEVER talk to me about it. I think they think, well if it hasn''t happened in 6 years we aren''t going to count of it any time soon. I also think they like her bf more because Pete really hurt me once and they will never forget that. But they do want me to be happy and they know Pete does that. So they will be supportive I just don''t see them as gung-ho for me to get married.

This really drove me crazy for a long time but, my bf would try to ground me by saying, it doesn''t matter. We are all family and we are going to be happy for each other even if we get engaged the same day. Which I know in my head I should feel that way. But part of me can''t get over how much I want to be first!!! I have never been a selfish person but this is totally making me that way! Obviously Christmas past and neither of us got engaged and I know my bf is planning for something before V-day but every weekend, I get scared my sister will call with the news of a ring and I get so upset. The reason I''m writing this is I can''t get it out of my head!! I have dreams every night she got engaged!! And in the past my dreams have been eerily dead on. So, I don''t know how to not think about it and just enjoy my relationship and this time in our life. HELP!! Have any of you ever felt like this or better yet been like my sister? I would love to get your perspective.

I hope everyone''s weeks start cheering up!!

 

[SJS1234]

Date: 1/11/2005 11:33:41 AM
Author: hopefulheidi

I know I’m not yet part of the ladies in waiting crew but I was hoping to get at least some generic opinions on my current relationship quandary. I don’t want to share too many details at this point because I’m afraid my connotations may influence everyone’s opinions and I’d like some matter of fact perspective first.

Does anyone here believe that a 26 year old man can genuinely not feel ready for marriage due to his own immaturity and not a flaw that he sees in his current relationship? Can he spend 3.5 years with one person, in a caring, and loving relationship and still feel scared of marriage without that reflecting on his feelings towards his girlfriend? Or, is this case of cold feet a sign of deeper relationship doubts that he just isn’t willing to confront?

hmm... It''s really hard to answer that question without knowing more about the situation. Either conclusion could be possible I suppose..... There are other questions that need to be answered I think.....Like what are his "concerns", what are the reasons for his fear, how does he talk/think about the future, how does he treat the relationship, etc. 26 seems so young to me now (I''m almost 32), but I was maybe less emotionally mature than some at that time in my life -- I mean I married someone just because we had been together for, guess what, 3.5 years and it seemed like the next step. Now we are divorced..... But that''s a totally diffierent relationship and situation. I would say that you have to get to the REAL reason he is "scared of marriage" before you can understand where the relationship is going. hm. tough situation I know.
don''t know if that helps!

Sparkling -- I''m feeling SO much better now -- thanks!! our ratio is of good to bad is about 100 to 1, so I really can''t complain! yay!! Isn''t it awesome when people say to you, "wow, you really seem happy!"???? I get that ALL the time now from family and friends. One of my good friend''s husband said to me on Christmas that I look like I had had "work done"!! lol!!! hilarious!! His wife/my friend -- said, "she''s happy, that''s all!!" -- and it''s true -- I think I look better because I FEEL better, and people notice!
As for the dream -- I have the SAME KIND of crazy dreams all the time -- and I just crack up over them after the fact. I had a gross e-ring dream experience too -- gosh I can''t remember exactly now, but it was similar to yours -- all brown and jacked up! and I felt SO horrible for hating it!! My bf thought that was hilarious! But yeah, it''s important to let him know what you like -- I mean, it''s your hand girlfriend! I had issues for a while because all of my friends and coworkers are expecting me to show up with 2+ carats one of these days, and that''s just not going to happen! We were looking in the 1.3-1.5 range, and then I ended up picking a 1.2 on my OWN -- just because I fell in love with the cut (thank you thank again Mark Turnowski!! I say that whenever I can), and what I wanted was hard to find. I don''t care what anyone thinks about it -- I LOVE it! Can''t wait til it''s on my FINGER!

 

[JCJD]

Holy freaking typing ladies!! I''ve been gone from PS for what, a week or two, and you''ve got 12 pages in a NEW thread!!! I can''t keep up, so I''m sorry if I accidentally forgot you here....

diamondgeezer, ally, anybody else - I''m so sorry! I simply don''t have words to help you through this trying time, but know that you are in my prayers and thoughts for your quick healing and happiness. You are very special people, and you deserve all the joys in life. ((((HUGS!!!!!))))

BOL - You sound so happy now!!! I''m so glad you''re at peace, and that you''ve got some new eye-candy!! Hope the date goes well! ((HUG!!!))

Welcome to all the new newbies!! Your time will fly on here! For all who don''t know (my bio and everything are buried in the Anxious to get the Ering thread and the All-New Ladies in Waiting thread), I joined the LIW early fall/late summer, my bf proposed without a ring on November 19, 2004, and re-proposed with a ring (see avatar!!) on December 22, 2004, so I''m a fairly recent graduate. Our wedding will be June 24, 2005, and I''m a busy grad student, so i''m going crazy with planning and classes and research right now! The LIW has been such an incredibly wonderful resource and support system for me and so many others! Enjoy your stay, it''ll fly by!

Ummm.... I''m sad about Brad and Jennifer too! They had been a light in the Hollywood-divorce-darkness until now... Now I have to rely on Nick and Jessica for my famous-young-really-married-couple fix! I have to admit, I love their show! Jessica is such a ditz sometimes, but she''s not afraid of being real on TV and she knows what''s important in life - her husband and family - and I totally adore her for that!

OK, I don''t know what else I missed that I want to respond to, so I''m done for now. Back to schoolwork now!!

 

[appletini]

Heidi: I know lots of single or unmarried 26 year olds. There could be several reasons why he isn''t ready for marriage. Are most of his friends married or single? Did his parents get divorced? If so how old was he when this happend? Does he have older siblings and are they married?

My BF has about 95% married or engaged friends, so for him marriage isn''t too scary (good thing we found each other), but at the same time guys have their own weird timeline that doesn''t seem to match ours. At one point when I was really upset about the engagement not happening (after he had missed his deadline given by him) I made a timeline for him showing all the milestones in our relationship and any occasions when he had mentioned the engagement/marriage and when the engagement would happen. I highlighted the portion that we had been talking about marriage. Well he got the point and realized to longer give false promises and that I wasn''t going to wait around forever. I was going to give him one year to the day that he first mentioned it (b/c the longest timeframe he gave was a year), but lucky for him we went ring shopping recently so I dropped that deadline since I know that things are going to happen (plus his travels for work and slowing things down). I don''t know if you read the previous discussion about a guy''s defnition of the word "soon." I can tell you this...a lot of the time it means more than six months. Plus a man wants to know that he can be able to provide for you, and buy a house, and not have a lot of debt, and all of those macho things.

Molson: don''t worry about your sister...just because she is in a whirlwind romance doesn''t mean the guy is going to actually propose "soon" (see my comments to heidi above). Besides I''m sure that your proposal will be wonderful.

Ginger: I know if I mentioned the shopping date he would just look at me, laugh, and tell me I was crazy.

 

[JCJD]

Heidi - my fiance and I started dating in high school - I was 15, he was 17. Both of our parents are divorced, and my mom''s parents are divorced too. In addition, we both had seen close friends hurt and their expectations shattered by putting too much into both bad and good relationships too soon (saying I love you "loosely", expecting too much from a bf/gf, guy losing respect for girl after sleeping together, etc), so we have been very very careful about moving forward in our relationship (we were both very mature about relationships at young ages). So, it took us about 3 months to hold each other''s hand, 8 months for first kiss, almost 2 years to say I love you, and we''re waiting for our wedding night. We dated for over 7 years before engagement, and our wedding is now 6 months away. This is a very long-winded way of me saying - YES - it is perfectly normal that a 26-yo man in a solid long-term relationship can feel unprepared for marriage in and of himself and his past experiences and opinions of marriage, not because of a flaw in the relationship or his partner. Marriage is a huge step in a relationship, and if he''s afraid of turning out to be one of the 50% of marriages that ultimately end in divorce, he''s got a legitimate fear there. However, if his idea of marriage in the 21st century isn''t jaded as we''ve all assumed, that he wants to marry someday when the timing is right, just not right now, then you might have to worry about some deeper doubts that he won''t confront. I don''t think I can offer anymore insight right now, so I''ll leave it at that. (((HUGS!!!))) I totally feel your pain in this situation!

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 1/11/2005 12:30

9 PM
Author: appletini
At one point when I was really upset about the engagement not happening (after he had missed his deadline given by him) I made a timeline for him showing all the milestones in our relationship and any occasions when he had mentioned the engagement/marriage and when the engagement would happen. I highlighted the portion that we had been talking about marriage. Well he got the point and realized to longer give false promises and that I wasn''t going to wait around forever.

Okay, first of all, THAT is the funniest thing I have ever heard. I can imagine you putting on a power suit and setting up a conference table complete with projector to give your slideshow presentation. LOL!!!

Heidi: Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for a man his age to just not be ready for/be afraid of marriage, and have it have absolutely nothing to do with you. However I think honeynut said it best.

Molson: Heh, I think you missed my ex-best-friend''s whirlwind-romance story, but I will spare the girls from hearing it again. I''ll just say I totally and completely 100% understand your frustration with her sudden about-face, and like apple said, just because she''s steamrolling forward doesn''t mean he''s ready to! (However in the interest of complete disclosure I must say that in my instance, she would have been married for five months already, so you never know!) Think about it this way, even if you DO get engaged on the same day, nobody will be placing bets at YOUR wedding as to the state of your uterus or how long you''ll last!!

sparkling, I missed the whole dream discussion

but I wanted to say that I, too, had one of those AWFUL dreams where it was all wrong--the ring, the proposal, everything. I woke up very distraught and immediately started asking him about his plans. He got a good laugh out of it once I told him why I seemed so anxious about it!

Have you shared your dream with your fh? I bet he''d do a better job at comforting you than we could!

And welcome!

 

[goldengirl]

gingerBcookie
goldengirl
cute330xigrl
1215n
LaurenThePartier
jenwill
denverkat
psuheather
twinkletoes
ootthibo
pokerface
blueroses
madarski
VAgal13
aeli
Morticia
icekid
LuvthatSparkle
Kberly
KimberJEB
kit0110
Queenofhearts
Dodger Gurl
honeynut
stacy11101
Erin
Dani
appletini
lovey
LittleOne
Shay
Croi
happysnowbunny
dancinbaby
AMALEEKEL
razza21
Binki
NoonersMom
blue824
kellypooh24
ammayernyc
SJS1234
jennyt
sistagrl2004
teebee
IslandDreams
katrina_33
Molson
heartsonfire
Blue Chica
AmberGretchen
JessicaRose
sparkling

And our two honorary members, BLINGQUEEN (who needs some encouragment to say yes!) and TravelingGal (who''s waiting not for a proposal, but for a green card!)

55 strong and growing!

(hopefulheidi wants to be on the list? Yes? No?)

 

[sparkling]

Heidi, Regarding the 26 year old man''s maturity level. Is he a young 26 or an old 26. If he''s still a student, hasn''t been working for long, has debt or is still enjoying an irresponsible lifestyle (parties alot, hangs with the guys alot) then he may be correct in his assumptions. If he went in the army at age 18 and/or has been working and shoveling the cash into his retirement and savings account since he was 21 and could provide reasonably well but is beginning to show signs of not being "into" you then he may be mature enough but coming up with excuses. Sometimes I think guys will avoid marriage until they wake up one day and don''t have any male friends left to play with because they all got married.

Molson, Re the sister situation, I would feel betrayed if I was the younger sibling and thought that at least in this venue I wouldn''t have to compete for attention and resources with my sister and then she does a 180. Rain on your parade, steal your thunder whatever you want to call it, its truly sucky and coupled with her dropping her sisterly duties and your parents being all psyched for this to happen for her but not you, you must feel pretty annoyed. You are probably safe since I don''t think many guys would propose that quickly but yikes, I would share your indignation if it were me.

Sparkling

P.S. BlueRoses, how did you dye your poodle. Did it come out in the wash or did you have to wait for it to come out over time. I have a dog I want to dye purple. (he''s orange and white so I''d only do the white parts).