LIW meltdown last night

[leoslove730]

LOL I knew it was coming because of all of the LIW anxiety I have been feeling over the past week, but I finally lost it last night.

See my best friend and I took her two little boys to the park yesterday and while we were there 2 newlywed couples and their bridal parties were taking their wedding photos. Well, it struck a nerve in me, and my bff said that she wished that she could call my FF and tell him, "Warning - she's gonna blow up when she gets home!".

I was just sitting there watching these newly married couples take their pics and it was beautiful, then I started to feel depressed and all bummed out that it's not going to be us for a long long while and that was the icing on the cake. I started bawling on my drive home.

So I get home and FF is sitting in the living room playing video games. I walk in and he is like, "Hey buddy!" and I sit down on the couch and say, "Can I be completely honest with you? I want to get married." He giggles. The I go on to say, "I want to get engaged, buy a house, get married and start a life with you. I don't want to live in this apartment forever. Are we ever going to get married? Seriously?" And he goes, "Yes! I knew we were due for this freak out - it's been about 3 weeks since your last one."

Then he confirmed that he doesn't yet have the ring and that it is 100% because he doesn't have enough money right now. So I started crying again and ran into our bedroom and sobbed to myself for about 15 minutes, then got up and went into the shower and started getting ready for our dinner/movie night out. Then I told him that, "Linda's (a friend of mine) husband wanted to get engaged so bad that he bought he a small, inexpensive ring and proposed and then upgraded later when he had the money. Why can't you just do that?" He ignored me.

So, we went to dinner and I told him I was paying for us to go out from now on so he can save up money for my ring. And when he tried to leave the tip, I stuck it back in his hand and told him to put it toward my ring - and he laughed at me like I was crazy. Yes, my behavior was kinda crazy but I am at my breaking point. It drives me nuts because he won't tell me how much money he has saved up, or give me an idea of when he is planning on proposing, he won't take me to just "look" at rings - nothing! All he says is, "Yes, I love you and we are definitely going to get married!"

Then he starts telling me that I have one of these meltdowns about every 3 weeks, like clockwork, and that is what is keeping him from proposing. He says that the sooner I shut up about it, it will happen. He says that he wants it to be a surprise and that I'm ruining it. I told him that he obviously hasn't learned yet that the only way these freak outs are going to stop is if he makes his move. Then he said, "Okay, it's gonna happen on December 3rd... at 6:30pm..." I said, "Don't tease me like that because if December 3rd rolls around and nothing happens I'm gonna freakin' lose it." Then he laughs and says, "I didn't say December 3rd of what YEAR though.... hahahahahahaha" I gave him the dirtiest look and he said, "Do we have to hang out tonight? I hate being around you when you are in this mood."

So, after a dinner full of arguing, we finally made it to the movies and we went to see Good Luck Chuck, y'know the one about how every woman who sleeps with Chuck ends up marrying the next guy she dates? Well, I elbowed him during the movie and said, "I need to find that Chuck..." and he snapped back and said, "You know, you are making me so mad!" and turned away from me. So I ended up moving down to the other end of the row we were sitting in and sat and watched the rest of the movie by myself. He actually walked out of the theater when the movie was over and didn't even wait for me. We barely spoke on the drive home. When we got home we went straight to bed.

He is still sleeping right now so I haven't spoken to him this morning yet. I basically lost it last night, and I need these freak outs to stop because they are immature, ridiculous, post-posting my engagement, and ultimately putting unneeded stress on my 99% of the time perfect and healthy relationship. I've so turned into "that girl" who badgers her boyfriend about marriage all the time.

I need some helpful suggestions on how to deal with my LIW anxiety in private without blowing up on my FF and how to chill out anytime I see someone get married or hear about someone getting engaged. My jealously is way out of control, as is everything else I feel regarding the topic. I need some helpful suggestions please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the long post guys. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

 

[aljdewey]

I'm going to be very candid, since you've asked for advice.

You don't appear mature enough to be entering into a marriage yet.

There are so many dynamics wrongs with what you posted, I don't even know where to start.

1. You've told him several times that you want marriage, so it's not as though he's unclear. Mission accomplished. If you keep at it, you cross the line into badgering.

2. He's already told you that he's planning to propose, and that you're ruining it. HELLO? Do you listen at all, or do you only hear when it's the message you want? He's telling you that you're ruining it, and the surest way to NOT get that proposal is to turn into the shrew that no one wants to ask.

2. It's a CARDINAL sin to point to how someone else's husband behaved and then say "why can't you do that? Why can't you be like him?" Totally out of line, and if someone said that to me, I'd say back "well, gee, maybe you should marry HIM then. (Keep in mind I'm a woman, but you get the point.)

3. Trying to pay for the meal with the comment "I'm doing this so you can save up for my ring" and then PUSHING the money in his hand? BEYOND pushy and downright disrespectful.

4. Then, when you're pissy because you don't get what you want, you make a snarky comment about finding Chuck, which was completely juvenile and rude, and you actually can't understand why that would irritate him? You're beating the crap out of your point, and it gets old. You're LUCKY he simply ignored that. I'd have ripped your head off in his shoes. Then, when he doesn't reply, you actually MOVE TO THE END OF THE ROW and watch the movie by yourself? You're going to pout now....because he refuses to rise to your manipulative bait and get into a scene in the movie theater? This behavior screams out that you just don't have the solid communication skills required for a marriage.

You need to grow up. You need to realize that sometimes things don't go according to *your* timeline.....there are others involved, and their comfort levels need to be considered, too. You need to learn how to talk out a problem, agree upon a resolution, and then LET IT BE.

The message you are sending to him right now is this: "Any time I don't get exactly what I want, exactly when I want it, I'm going to nag the crap out of you and make your life complete miserable." What in the WORLD would make any sane guy WANT to propose to that?

Sorry to be so harsh, but you NEED to hear this unless you want to ruin your relationship.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, I dunno. It seems to me that If he really wants to get married, and you've told him you don't need a fancy ring, then it's not money that's holding him up. It could be a) he's annoyed by your persistence and doesn't want to get engaged to someone who is annoying him or b) he's just WAY not ready but doesn't want to say so because he's afraid of the fall out or c) he's never going to be ready and he just doesn't want to lose his comfortable live in girlfriend.

But honey, if it IS a) the fact that he's not doing anything about it and he's put you in this position of powerlessness where you feel that what he perceives as 'whining' is the only way to get your point across (that's the resort of the powerless) suggests that you're not both on the same page anyway.

You've basically proposed to him. You said 'I want to get married and I don't need a fancy ring'. And he said 'No.' and gave you an illogical excuse. Guys will lie and string you along to keep you around and make you be quiet. If he says 'Sure I wanna get married someday!' but won't give you a remote sense of when, then he doesn't want to get married. At least not for the foreseeable future. Otherwise he'd be confident and comfortable saying 'In a year' or something. I've seen it among my acquaintances and I've seen it on here dozens of times. I'm sure others have seen it too. Listen to what he's saying overall, instead of attending only to the few words you want to hear.

If a man really wants to marry you, then he won't behave like this (which, by the way, is a fairly natural way to behave if he feels like you keep backing him into a corner...but he should grow up and say 'excuse me, I don't like this corner, I'm just going to head on out)). He may need some prodding, but it sounds like you've been doing a lot of prodding and he's responded with nothing.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be. Just to help you see the possibility that this might be headed toward a spectacular train wreck.

 

[stbfyffe]

I have had a couple of those meltdowns hoping that once he sees how much I want it he will break and propose and you know what...I still have no ring on my finger and the more I keep asking the longer it will take him. Do you have the right to be upset and frustrated? Sure, but if your confronting your man when you are angry he will automatically get defensive and tune you out therefore accomplishing nothing but pushing your proposal further and futher away.

If you need to vent you can come on here and let it all out...my bf sees me on here and rolls his eyes but I know that he prefers that for now, until it happens, that I talk about anything proposal related on here. It works well, I stop pestering him (b/c I really was) and he can plan whatever he has to plan in peace.

Hopefully I will get my pear (diamond) soon and I can stop venting and start posting pictures and planning our wedding!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/23/2007 11:21:15 AM
Author: aljdewey
I'm going to be very candid, since you've asked for advice.

You don't appear mature enough to be entering into a marriage yet.

There are so many dynamics wrongs with what you posted, I don't even know where to start.

1. You've told him several times that you want marriage, so it's not as though he's unclear. Mission accomplished. If you keep at it, you cross the line into badgering.

2. He's already told you that he's planning to propose, and that you're ruining it. HELLO? Do you listen at all, or do you only hear when it's the message you want? He's telling you that you're ruining it, and the surest way to NOT get that proposal is to turn into the shrew that no one wants to ask.

2. It's a CARDINAL sin to point to how someone else's husband behaved and then say 'why can't you do that? Why can't you be like him?' Totally out of line, and if someone said that to me, I'd say back 'well, gee, maybe you should marry HIM then. (Keep in mind I'm a woman, but you get the point.)

3. Trying to pay for the meal with the comment 'I'm doing this so you can save up for my ring' and then PUSHING the money in his hand? BEYOND pushy and downright disrespectful.

4. Then, when you're pissy because you don't get what you want, you make a snarky comment about finding Chuck, which was completely juvenile and rude, and you actually can't understand why that would irritate him? You're beating the crap out of your point, and it gets old. You're LUCKY he simply ignored that. I'd have ripped your head off in his shoes. Then, when he doesn't reply, you actually MOVE TO THE END OF THE ROW and watch the movie by yourself? You're going to pout now....because he refuses to rise to your manipulative bait and get into a scene in the movie theater? This behavior screams out that you just don't have the solid communication skills required for a marriage.

You need to grow up. You need to realize that sometimes things don't go according to *your* timeline.....there are others involved, and their comfort levels need to be considered, too. You need to learn how to talk out a problem, agree upon a resolution, and then LET IT BE.

The message you are sending to him right now is this: 'Any time I don't get exactly what I want, exactly when I want it, I'm going to nag the crap out of you and make your life complete miserable.' What in the WORLD would make any sane guy WANT to propose to that?

Sorry to be so harsh, but you NEED to hear this unless you want to ruin your relationship.

Well, Alj just saved me a lot of typing...since I agree with every bit of this.

leoslove, I have followed your threads and responded to your '"just shut up" thread with my own candid opinions about your attitude. I also told you on that thread that you are ahead of a lot of other women who haven't found the ones they want to spend the rest of their lives with. IMO, you are fortunate, and yet you continue to have these nutty meltdowns that show your lack of maturity.

I'm not sure what advice we can give you when you just continue to disregard it and get into your funks. The only one I have is maybe you should see a therapist, because if I were your guy, I would be nervous about asking a woman who just can't seem to get it together in this area. While I am sympathetic to the LIW plight because I understand it's frustrating, you are pushing the boundaries of good taste.

CHILL OUT. You know he's going to ask you. Because if/when he DOES ask you, I will GUARANTEE you will look back on this time and wish you had just enjoyed the wait and wonder why you were spending the time losing your mind.

ETA, And ask yourself this. If he really got you some inexpensive, crappy ring and said "OK, here, marry me since you want it so bad. Have it your way" (not exactly in those words, but you get the gist) would you REALLY be happy? As Alj wisely said, have some consideration of HIS wants and timelines! You're gonna have to do it in marriage (if you want a successful one) so why not start now?

 

[musey]

Well, the other posters have already made fantastic points so I won't repeat them here. I did want to add though, is this whole thing really how you want to remember your pre-engagement time? That you badgered him non-stop and "FINALLY he proposed--took him long enough!"??

Really think about it, it's a bigger deal than you may think.

I felt a little sad about possibly having "pushed" my FI into proposing, and the only "pushing" I did was to tell him that I was ready and I'd like him to figure out if he was too--on his own, not during arguments about "when when when." I can't IMAGINE what the proposal would feel like knowing it came out of "I WANT I WANT I WANT NOW NOW NOW."

Did I ever feel the same emotions you're going through? Yes, maybe not to the point of sobbing in my bathroom, but I did feel that twinge of jealousy seeing wedding pics taking place, or hearing about a friend getting engaged. Most women get that at least a little bit.

The thing is, though, you do have some control over your emotions and to what degree you act upon them. Exercise a bit of forward thinking here, imagine what kind of interactions will make you feel happiest later on, and do your best to stick to those. "I'm sick of waiting, gimme NOW" will not get you very far in life OR in relationships, and certainly won't end up making you feel happy and at peace with the engagement when it does happen.


Many women make the mistake of thinking that, after they get engaged, life will magically be blissful and all their problems will melt away. This is a fantasy. It's simply another step in your relationship, and for most people, nothing fundamental to your happiness really changes. If you can't be happy with the relationship progress now, a proposal isn't the magic cure.

 

[zoebartlett]

I have to say that I agree with what''s already been said. I''ve also read your "just shut up" thread, although I don''t think I responded at the time. It sounds like this feeling of wanting to get engaged and married is all-consuming for you. If other people are showing their happiness and you feel upset over that, that sounds a little sad to me. I can understand that you want to move forward with your relationship, but it''s a huge amount of pressure to put on your boyfriend if he''s not ready. Damanding that he propose (just to get it over with, from what it sounds like) is NOT the way to go. It''s not the way to begin your life with someone, and it''s certainly not romantic. Think about it, if someone keeps demanding something from you or pushing a particular subject over and over again, wouldn''t you begin to pull away or resist doing what that person wanted? I would.

 

[LuvPugs]

I don''t post on here often, but I just had to chime in.

I was JUST like you 7 months ago. I would ask my boyfriend every night when he was going to propose. I would send him pictures of rings and ideas of what I might like for a proposal. Every single night I brought it up. When I felt like too much time had passed and nothing happened, then I would ask him more. I was constantly upset and always pushing him to tell me why it hadn''t happened. I would cry, we would fight. That scenario happened weekly. Finally, he told me in his own words that I needed to grow up and let it happen.

Anywho, the point is, I finally realized that I was acting crazy! Why would he ever want to marry me when I was acting so out of control?? So I made it a point to stop. I stopped looking at rings all the time and no matter how hard it was, I stopped bringing it up every night. Don''t get me wrong. It was very hard. I had to fight every urge to say something about a proposal. The funny thing is, when I did that, things got SO much better! I realized that I need to be happy with what I have now. Right now, I have a great boyfriend who is really funny and makes me feel good about myself. Now, he brings up getting married without me even saying anything about it! Its a great feeling!

For the sake of your sanity, you have to stop. I know, its hard when it feels like you have no say and your boyfriend holds all of the control. But you are hurting yourself and you are hurting him too. If you really want to marry him, give him some time to propose the way he wants to.
Take care

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmmmm.... I''m not up on your threads, but could it be that you''re not 100% sure he really is going to propose at some point? And that''s why you''re giving him a hard time?

If you are really, truly 100% sure, I definitely say give the poor guy a break. You''re driving the both of you''s crazy! There''s way more to life than weddings. And delayed gratification is not such a bad thing.

Concentrate on what YOU can do to lead a rich interesting life in the meantime. Why not take up a new language? Or learn to knit? Or read all of Dickens from end to end? Or something?

 

[bee*]

I agree with what all the other girls have said. First, you really need to chill out and calm down before you ruin your relationship completely. I totally understand the frustration of being a LIW-Im one myself and at times I've felt so upset and lost with how things were going, but my bf had given me a timeline of the end of this year so I didn't vent to him. I came on here, or worked out in the gym to get rid of my frustrations. Sure once or twice I said it to D and both times he calmed me down and told me it would be worth the wait.

I'm not sure what advice I can give as if your conversations all go like that when you talk about marriage, then Im not sure if he will talk about it, as he's probably scared that things will blow up when you discuss it. Handing him money and telling him to save for your ring will probably push him the other way. He has to want this too . I think what you need to see is that there are two of you in the relationship and you both have to be happy with this decision as it is a lifelong one. If he's not ready to do it now, you need to decide if you want to wait for him or if you want to try meet someone else. I was ready about a year and a bit ago, while D was only ready in the past few months. For me it was worth the wait as we have a great relationship and it feels so good now seeing that he's on the same page as me and is excited about our upcoming engagement and marriage. You are ruining what seems like a good relationship. If you know you are going to get married in the future, what's the rush?(and I've been with D for over 8 years so I know what it's like to be going out with someone for ages before the engagement). I agree with Musey in that do you really want to think that you pushed him into marriage or do you really want him to feel like that and in the future, resent it.

 

[robbie3982]

Hmmm I guess I''m in the minority here, but I was just as crazed as leoslove during the pre-engagement period. I was asking when when every day, having meltdowns all the time and basically was just acting crazy. I seriously couldn''t control it. I had a timeline of about 6 months and even that wasn''t helping my anxiety. It was one of the most stressful times of my entire life.

Turns out DH had a plan of exactly how he was going to propose since before I started going insane. After we got engaged I did have doubts at first as to whether he would''ve proposed at that time if I hadn''t been completely psycho, but he assured me that the plan was in place long before any of that started. So, in a way it kind of makes me feel better that even though I was at my worst, he still wanted to marry me.

Maybe try heading to the gym every time you start feeling anxious and like you''re going to start badgering. I know now that working out on a regular basis really helps to keep my anxiety in check (I have GAD. Perhaps this is why the LIW anxiety seems to have effected me a lot more than some of the other ladies on here?). I wish I''d thought to try that before we got engaged.

So, anyway, just wanted to say that I''m definitely sympathetic to what you''re feeling/going through.

 

[luckystar112]

I''m not going to tell you to "grow up" or anything like that, because for one I think it''s rude, and two, you already admitted that you were acting a little crazy. To answer your QUESTION, the best place to vent is to your friends, or here.

It can be so frustrating to be a LIW....I know!!! Okay okay...the movie theatre thing was a little over the top (not the "chuck" comment, I think that''s hilarious and probably would have joked with my BF about it if I was still a LIW, but the sitting by yourself part). And I''d be lying if I said I didn''t call FI out on how much money he spent when he swore the only thing that was keeping him from marrying me was the money. But that''s because a $50 dinner a couple of times a week doesn''t SOUND like a lot, but it adds up!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 9/23/2007 4:19:58 PM
Author: robbie3982
Hmmm I guess I'm in the minority here, but I was just as crazed as leoslove during the pre-engagement period. I was asking when when every day, having meltdowns all the time and basically was just acting crazy. I seriously couldn't control it. I had a timeline of about 6 months and even that wasn't helping my anxiety. It was one of the most stressful times of my entire life.

Turns out DH had a plan of exactly how he was going to propose since before I started going insane. After we got engaged I did have doubts at first as to whether he would've proposed at that time if I hadn't been completely psycho, but he assured me that the plan was in place long before any of that started. So, in a way it kind of makes me feel better that even though I was at my worst, he still wanted to marry me.

Maybe try heading to the gym every time you start feeling anxious and like you're going to start badgering. I know now that working out on a regular basis really helps to keep my anxiety in check (I have GAD. Perhaps this is why the LIW anxiety seems to have effected me a lot more than some of the other ladies on here?). I wish I'd thought to try that before we got engaged.

So, anyway, just wanted to say that I'm definitely sympathetic to what you're feeling/going through.

Nope, I'm pretty sure I was a tad crazy too! No bawling my eyes out and screaming kind of crazy...but snarky comments, pestering weekly kind of crazy.

Oh, and I definitely had doubts about if he would have proposed if I hadn't pestered him. I had the same talk with FI and he assured me that it would have taken more than someone pestering him to make that kind of commitment. It's funny because once you get engaged you feel like an idiot for the way you acted. lol

 

[TravelingGal]

Well there you go. Both Robbie (although it seems she had medical reasons) and Lucky say they went a bit nuts during the period and both say they looked back and thought they were crazy and had to then feel assured that their guys didn''t propose because of that "craziness". Robbie said she wished she had discovered workouts eased her anxiety before she got engaged and Lucky felt like an "idiot". And both had to have another talk with their men to feel better about the proposal timing.

These women are exactly why you should vent HERE before you go nutty. They understand and can sympathize with you, and are proof of what is being said on this thread...while you might GET your proposal by acting this way, you aren''t going to feel great about your behavior beforehand, and may even doubt the timing of the proposal to begin with.

Oh, and I agree with IG...aren''t there hobbies you can pick up to keep your mind off this? If there is a williams-sonoma near you, they offer free cooking classses....

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think you''ve gotten quite a bit of candid advice here, but I just wanted to say that the way you FEEL isn''t uncommon at all, the issue here is how you''re handling your own anxiety.

When a relationship starts to get "overcooked" it''s common for women to try to relieve their anxiety about marriage by bringing it up. It''s almost as if we feel that keeping it on their radar CONSTANTLY will speed things along. It gets to the point where you feel out of control and if they don''t respond the way you want them to, it puts you in a downward spiral of anxiety because you wonder if you''re wasting your time, why you''re not good enough and lots of other things that are inherently nutty.

I think many of us have been in your shoes: I know I was. I realized I had two choices: enjoy the relationship and wait for him to be ready or leave the relationship and truly move on. I chose the former for several months, then when he still wasn''t ready, I chose the latter. When it comes down to it, those are really your only options.

I think that if you continue down this path of freaking out, pouting and in general feeling miserable you''re going to be very unhappy. And so will he. Trust me, when you''re on the other side of the proposal you will wonder why you were so anxious about it. I guarantee that if you continue doing this you will regret it for one of two reasons: 1. because you''ll feel you forced him to propose, or at least made the whole experience unbearable. or 2. You''ll push him away and there will be no proposal.

I really hope you''re able to relax, I second the opinion that a therapist might help. I saw a therapist during while I was in limbo and it helped me to really create a plan for myself aside from the relationship.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you need to take a deep breath and chill. How''s that for short and sweet. Alj, said it so succintly I have nothing more to add.

 

[KimberlyH]

What Al, TG, et. al. said. I can understand wanting to be engaged to the man you love, but this just sounds so out of control: the fighting, the pouting, the outbursts, the childish behavior. Find other ways to spend your time and consume your mind: take a night class, take up running, hang out with girlfriends, read (more) books etc.

 

[Mara]

ha ha as usual i agree with alj, tgal and all the other intelligent women i aspire to be more like...

i love whoever said this:

"Why would he ever want to marry me when I was acting so out of control?? "

because i totally agree!! seriously when i see how some of the gals on here act i am like well no wonder he's not proposing, he's probably like 'holy moly do i want to tie myself to this nutjob forever?' ... though the guys always seem to propose so i guess it's not a deal breaker.

i feel your pain. i was definitely kind of mentally impatient while waiting, i think it's normal, natural, there is nothing wrong with feeling like you cannot wait to be engaged and married to the love of your life. it can drive you batty if you let it. however, it's when you start to project your feelings onto everything and everyone else that people start to give you the raised eyebrow. so you do need to figure out how to control that or else things could really backfire and not go the way you hope. i can't think of a more unappealing way to look back on the pre-proposal time than to remember these stories.

definitely take some of the suggestions the other gals gave you...channel that energy into something USEFUL. working out...do something fun for yourself like mani pedi or massage every few weeks. read some books...go for walks...take up a new hobby. scrapbooking. whatever floats your boat. i would vent to another girlfriend who was waiting as well and we'd both help each other NOT go and freak out on our guys or anyone else. because really we knew it was coming...we just had to wait. and that part sucks.

my bottom line is that if you REALLY TRULY believe he is going to propose, then you need to just take a chill pill and wait it out. that does not include harassing him and telling him the only way to make it stop is to propose!

and i still don't get why watching other happy people makes you depressed...in your shut up thread i really didn't get that either.

however if you are SECRETLY UNSURE he is really planning to propose, i could see how you are probably freaking out and trying to push him because you don't believe what he is telling you. that is a whole separate issue. if that IS the case, then i would say that you need to look within to figure out why you might be feeling that way and if you can change it or speak to him about that particular fear or feeling, but not on a 'and this is why you have to do it' kind of note. if he is saying he will and he loves you and just be patient, then you need to think about why you can't do that...what don't you trust there?

 

[Cleopatra]

I feel your pain Leoslove - but I guess I don''t quite understand - mainly because I''ve never gone through what you are going through.

FI and I dated for 7 years before getting engaged (I had no idea he was planning on popping the question)....and never did I once pressure him into proposing. We were both very satisfied with how our relationship was going. We *knew* that we would be together in the end no matter what - and if you have that feeling with your current boyfriend - and he feels the same way, then this whole idea of not being engaged shouldn''t be too dragging on you, which it obviously is. If you both are confident that each other is "the one," then not being engaged shouldn''t hurt as much as it does. And I can promise you, if I had ever pulled stunts like you''ve described to FI, I honestly think he would have jumped ship and ran - because nobody wants to start off an engagement or marriage with bad attitudes of pressure or "she made me do it" - could you really say "yes" knowing that he could have possibly asked you to calm you down??? - that''s never a good way to start off your future.

My advice - if you care - chill out. Take life each day as it comes - Wake up knowing that you have someone who loves you unconditionally - let this be the attitude that pushes you through each day - you are loved. You are luckier than some - maybe this new-found attitude will prove to your man that you are ready for this lifetime commitment.

The proposal - when it comes - will be that much sweeter knowing that he''s asked that oh-so-important question to you because he WANTS you to be his wife - not that he is "giving in" to your wants...

I hope everything works out for you....

 

[goodfun7580]

Everyone has given you some really good advice here! I just have to say that in my last relationship, I harrassed by boyfriend until he proposed, and guess what? I still wasn''t happy. I''m not saying that this the is the case for you, but I found that the reason I was harrassing him was because I wasn''t happy, I wasn''t happy with the relationship, I wasn''t happy with where my life was, so I was grasping at straws. He finally proposed after about 6 months of serious harrassment and fits and the like, but I have to tell you looking back I knew at the time he wasn''t the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but that didn''t stop me. I''ve grown up a lot since then, and I still have some minor freak outs, but I learned a long time ago, if you make someone do something and they do it, it doesn''t feel as good as someone doing something because they want to do it.

It seems as though you guy are on the right path, he says he wants to marry you and get engaged, he just doesn''t have the money right now. And as you stated, you think he has some saved, you just don''t know how much. You are so far ahead of the game then many of the women here. You should be grateful that you have your boyfriend and he has started saving and does want to marry you. Enjoy that and let everything else go. And when he''s ready, he''ll propose and you''ll be so happy because you didn''t MAKE him do it, he did it because he wanted to. I know my boyfriend hasn''t even begun saving for a ring, and I know it''ll be quite some time before we get engaged, but I know he wants to marry me and for now, thats good enough. Enjoy each day and when you feel like you are going to freak out on him, come here and tell us first, he''ll thank you for that later!

 

[mimzy]

Date: 9/23/2007 4:30:50 PM
Author: luckystar112
I'm not going to tell you to 'grow up' or anything like that, because for one I think it's rude, and two, you already admitted that you were acting a little crazy. To answer your QUESTION, the best place to vent is to your friends, or here.

It can be so frustrating to be a LIW....I know!!! Okay okay...the movie theatre thing was a little over the top (not the 'chuck' comment, I think that's hilarious and probably would have joked with my BF about it if I was still a LIW, but the sitting by yourself part). And I'd be lying if I said I didn't call FI out on how much money he spent when he swore the only thing that was keeping him from marrying me was the money. But that's because a $50 dinner a couple of times a week doesn't SOUND like a lot, but it adds up!

I agree 100% with luckystar. you know that you are acting immature and it's hurting your relationship....i don't know what telling you that you are immature is going to accomplish...

I also definitely don't think that he doesn't want to marry you! If he didn't, then he wouldn't be putting up with all of your LIW antics in the relationship, telling you he did.

I think you are going so *crazy* because you are so in the dark. Most women on here were probably pretty involved in the picking out/designing of their ering so they knew that it was at least on the horizon.....you don't. his need for surprise is keeping you so in the dark that you have no idea where you're at on the timeline, and that is so frustrating! I know i felt all the things you've described and have freakouts myself, but it all calmed down once i knew that my bf was really into the process of buying an ering (of course i still get a little nutso from time to time

)

I think most of us probably wish that our BFs were so in love that they did what your friend's husband did...but the fact is most guys are so in love that they don't find that as an "acceptable" way to propose to the love of their life. So unless it would honestly take years to save up for the ring you want, he's probably not too in the wrong for wanting to wait until he has the money.

I guess my best advice would be to try to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Let him know that you aren't going to freak out over it, but that you are trying to get a better handle on your emotions and you'd like his help. Ask him to set aside his need for secrecy and be honest with you....is it about money, about the freakouts, or about just not being ready, or all three, that is really holding him back. A lot of ladies on here have timelines set with their FFs, as in they plan to be engaged by XX/XX/XX and married by XX/XX. If that is not something he'd be open to (a lot of guys have an issue with saying they promise to propose by such and such a date), maybe ask him when HE'D like to be married by, then you'll probably get an honest answer about his internal timeline. Even if it isn't as soon as you'd like, you'll at least have an idea, and probably just having an idea of the timeframe would help with your anxiety. Let him know that you aren't demanding a set date, but that a general idea would really help you to cope during this time....


I agree that you probably don't want to look back on your pre-engagement time and think of all this. I know i definitely thought about that, as well as the idea of badgering my BF into proposing. I think that can be a pretty powerful motivator to keep your feelings in check. I also found that whenever i get really worked up or angry about it, journaling it really helps. I look at all my angry words and feel a) bad that i have such ill feelings toward a great guy and b)relieved that i never said any of it out loud. I feel bad that i get so worked up and angry that it hasn't happened yet, that two years ago i thought we would have already been married by now, that i wouldn't still be waiting for a proposal, but we are only human, and we can't control how we feel, only how we act on those feelings.

And yes, please come here to vent! for every lady that tells you to calm down and grow up, there are at least five of us who are feeling or went through the exact same thing. If these emotions were easy to control, then there wouldn't really be need for this forum! i agree maybe you should find a hobby or activity to take up that energy you normally spend on getting upset. i know it isn't a magic cure, but it might help get your mind off it, and at the very least it will give you something to do while the crazy gets out of your system. someone else said working out...might be a good idea, so you can look extra hot for your engagement photos

.

sorry for being so long winded....i just hope you feel better!

 

[lsyama]

Date: 9/24/2007 9:26:29 AM
Author: goodfun7580
Everyone has given you some really good advice here! I just have to say that in my last relationship, I harrassed by boyfriend until he proposed, and guess what? I still wasn''t happy. I''m not saying that this the is the case for you, but I found that the reason I was harrassing him was because I wasn''t happy, I wasn''t happy with the relationship, I wasn''t happy with where my life was, so I was grasping at straws. He finally proposed after about 6 months of serious harrassment and fits and the like, but I have to tell you looking back I knew at the time he wasn''t the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but that didn''t stop me. I''ve grown up a lot since then, and I still have some minor freak outs, but I learned a long time ago, if you make someone do something and they do it, it doesn''t feel as good as someone doing something because they want to do it.


It seems as though you guy are on the right path, he says he wants to marry you and get engaged, he just doesn''t have the money right now. And as you stated, you think he has some saved, you just don''t know how much. You are so far ahead of the game then many of the women here. You should be grateful that you have your boyfriend and he has started saving and does want to marry you. Enjoy that and let everything else go. And when he''s ready, he''ll propose and you''ll be so happy because you didn''t MAKE him do it, he did it because he wanted to. I know my boyfriend hasn''t even begun saving for a ring, and I know it''ll be quite some time before we get engaged, but I know he wants to marry me and for now, thats good enough. Enjoy each day and when you feel like you are going to freak out on him, come here and tell us first, he''ll thank you for that later!

Wow goodfun, you took the words right out of my mouth!
(I also harassed a previous bf into proposing, etc...)

I think previous posters have given you very honest, good advice. So I won''t repeat.
So I just wanted to say I know how you feel, and it really sucks! Hope you figure out some way to calm the nerves and stop worrying about engagement!
(I wish I could give you the answer for how to do it the quick and easy way, but I took the long and hard way to figure it out.)

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/24/2007 9:42:10 AM
Author: mimzy

Date: 9/23/2007 4:30:50 PM
Author: luckystar112
I'm not going to tell you to 'grow up' or anything like that, because for one I think it's rude, and two, you already admitted that you were acting a little crazy. To answer your QUESTION, the best place to vent is to your friends, or here.

It can be so frustrating to be a LIW....I know!!! Okay okay...the movie theatre thing was a little over the top (not the 'chuck' comment, I think that's hilarious and probably would have joked with my BF about it if I was still a LIW, but the sitting by yourself part). And I'd be lying if I said I didn't call FI out on how much money he spent when he swore the only thing that was keeping him from marrying me was the money. But that's because a $50 dinner a couple of times a week doesn't SOUND like a lot, but it adds up!

I agree 100% with luckystar. you know that you are acting immature and it's hurting your relationship....i don't know what telling you that you are immature is going to accomplish...

Ladies, there are frustrated ladies in waiting, and then there are FRUSTRATED ladies in waiting.

Some of us who are more "harsh" are discerning between the two (in our opinion and judgment of course).

I think I can count on one hand (and have fingers to spare) the ladies I've seen on the LIW forum who I truly think are complete nutters, not-so nice people, and wonder why anyone would want to marry them...and I've been reading this forum since late 2003. Leoslove does not fall into that camp, in my opinion.

However she does fall into the camp of a slightly more consumed LIW, and is in good company since I can certainly use some more hands and feet to count the cases of that I've seen on PS.

My point is, most of the time many of us simply say "Hey, I understand. Read a book. Go to the gym. Knit." It's a case of the jitters, nerves, anxiety, anticipation, excitement, whatever.

But sometimes saying that may be slapping a band-aid on a deeper issue.

Yes, she acknowledged it was "kinda" crazy and she was being immature. I do know people who say that IRL but don't *really* understand or realize what they are doing. She started this post that she "finally" had a breakdown...but from the limited knowledge I have of her, it seems like the breakdowns started before this and her bf also thinks they seem to happen every three weeks or so.

I agree that some of the answers here (including my own) breezed over what ultimately was her question, i.e. "How do I keep my mind off this?" and instead addressed something more akin to, "How do I change my MINDSET." It's just the way I think...instead of going to the gym to keep my mind off something, I'd prefer to really THINK about why my significant other is feeling the way he does and see if it changes the way I think. Even if I went to the gym, I might feel better for awhile, but until I truly feel better in my heart and soul, demons will continue to haunt me and rear their ugly head. I don't know if that's why the others have said what they said, but I hope it explains my reasoning.

Leoslove, I'd be the first to say, despite the tough things you may hear on here, I hope you continue to come here and vent/share joys. I know you have had a tough last few weeks and I do offer my sympathies. Oftentimes, if you find that you can't bear to hear any "direct" thoughts, asking people to please be gentle with you because you are feeling fragile will keep us "sterner" ladies at bay.

You're going to get ALL kinds of support, including some which are far more gentle and therefore perhaps more up your alley.

 

[firebirdgold]

My time as an LIW was not a happy one so I totally sympathize! I too had meltdowns every month to a month and a half where I burst into tears. (Mine were almost entirely due to insecurity and fears he had changed his mind) Once he started saving I too tried to buy a few more things and pay for a few more dinners to help out without him realizing it.


It''s hard but necessary to understand his point of view. Many men take this proposal and ring thing very seriously, it''s as important to them as the wedding is to us. The suggestion of not needing a ring or getting a cheaper stand-in ring that could be upgraded later was taken as a serious insult to his pride and his romantic intentions. Very bad stuff. DH had a set timeline already in his head and it was very important to him that he do things in his time and surprise me as much as possible. He really wanted to be left alone on it.

I know it''s hard, but you''ve got to leave it alone.
Maybe you can compromise? Two of the main ways I stayed sane was I started sending dh emails about ring options and I started researching wedding sites and ideas. Dh never actually read the emails but it made both of us feel better. (the loss of control over my future was driving me batty). He did eventually buy a ring from a site I suggested so he at least scanned a couple eventually! And while I hid the research, it came in handy later.

 

[mimzy]

Tgal- I totally understand what you are saying about addressing the bigger issue, and in so many cases that is really appreciated and absolutely appropriate. I think that there is a difference though between suggesting to people that they should do some soul searching about why they are so frustrated and maybe work on their relationship in the meantime and making broad, sweetping statements like they are immature that really cut a person down when they are already feeling low (especially when they have already conceded to so much beforehand).


As for trying to figure out why a person, particularly a LIW, is feeling so crazed/frustrated, it's usually pretty simple. Of course there are the random cases where girls push the issue for reasons other than actually wanting to be and ready to be married, but it is more often than not that they are just really wanted to be engaged to the man they love, they are ready to move on in their relationship, and they aren't getting to for reasons out of their control. it's not right or wrong, it's just the way it is, and there's nothing that can be done about it. Some women are fine waiting and can stay perfectly happy in the process, some get anxious only due to the excitement that is sure to follow an engagement, and some get anxious because not being engaged is really preventing them from moving forward in their lives (in a totally legitimate way). So sometimes there is nothing that can be done, except try to keep your mind off of it

Also, I really do think that someone can be perfectly aware of their shortcomings, really try to fix them, and still struggle with them. Of course there are some people who may not understand the extent of their issues, but usually when someone is acting obviously out of control (and i use that term extremely loosely) and they acknowledge that AND ask for help in changing or coping, it is a pretty good sign.

I just speak from experience that it really, well, sucks to reach out for advice, and come up with nothing but judgment. especially judgment highlighting all the things that you just admitted you need help on. she didn't write out the things she did because she was proud of them - she did it to give us an idea of the behaviors that she wants to change, and she doesn't need us telling her it was crappy of her to do them.

i know a lot of the ladies on here that give the "harsher" advice are really well respected and sometimes have good points. But I don't think that leoslove should be made to feel worse than she did when she originally typed out the post...i know i would have if i were her. it's totally possible to be honest and ask some hard hitting questions (if appropriate), while still being supportive and encouraging.

sorry for the hijack!

with that said, i agree with IndieJones!

 

[anchor31]

You''re frustrated. You''re anxious. You feel like you have completely no control over an important aspect of your life. Most of us around here have gone through that, and we do understand.

But you have to take a deep breath and look at this rationally. He wants to marry you. He wants to propose to you. It''s just a matter of time because he needs to save up for the ring. It is going to happen, so the only thing you can do now is chill out and let him do his thing.

I know it''s hard. I know you wish he would propose tonight. I know you wish money wasn''t an issue. It happened to me, and I remember how frustrated I was. I suggested the simple band e-ring and diamond wedding band, but he refused because he "wanted to do it right". It frustrated me at the time because I didn''t care... But believe me, in the end it was really, really, really worth it. I waited 9 months for it, and I was anxious and frustrated... But I''m still alive and I''m even glad it happened the way it did.

In some situations the guy needs to be nudged a bit. Your guy doesn''t. If you keep freaking out and badgering him, he might end up not want to propose anymore. You''re upset at his reaction, but honestly I do think you pushed too hard. From the sound of it, he sounds like he has his plan, so let him carry it out. You''ll be glad you did.

Something I found helpful during my LIW time was gathering ideas for my wedding, as well as doing other stuff to keep my mind off it. I took up yoga and doing crafty stuff. It''s great for your body, your mind and your creativity, and keeps your mind off your anxiety.

I hope it gets better for you!

 

[TravelingGal]

Some good points Mimzy.

Ultimately PS is a public forum, and you''re going to get opinions. I know some folks don''t buy into that, but it is what it is. At the end of the day, while I can be sympathetic, I don''t know a poster on here from Adam. That may mean that compared to someone who I''d advise in real life, you may get a harsher (or gentler!) two cents. That''s probably why I don''t air my own trials and tribulations that bear any weight on PS!

Hopefully leoslove has a great support group in real life!

(Back to our regular scheduled programming...)

 

[Mara]

agree wholeheartedly with TG. also in real life i do tell my closest friends the same things i'd tell any poster asking advice on here. i like to question things rather than just patting people on the back and murmuring how sorry i am that they have to go through that. there are always people to do that, just like there are always people like me to say hmm well why are you doing this or have you thought of this or what is the underlying issue possibly? i think the two work very well together.

i would imagine that most PS'ers are giving their advice to assist...and it's not meant to be malicious but rather possibly a straight shoot from the hip. so if people can just remember that and get past how things are put out there, i think that everyone's information and advice is always really valuable to the OP.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 9/24/2007 12:34:32 PM
Author: mimzy
Tgal- I totally understand what you are saying about addressing the bigger issue, and in so many cases that is really appreciated and absolutely appropriate. I think that there is a difference though between suggesting to people that they should do some soul searching about why they are so frustrated and maybe work on their relationship in the meantime and making broad, sweetping statements like they are immature that really cut a person down when they are already feeling low (especially when they have already conceded to so much beforehand).


As for trying to figure out why a person, particularly a LIW, is feeling so crazed/frustrated, it''s usually pretty simple. Of course there are the random cases where girls push the issue for reasons other than actually wanting to be and ready to be married, but it is more often than not that they are just really wanted to be engaged to the man they love, they are ready to move on in their relationship, and they aren''t getting to for reasons out of their control. it''s not right or wrong, it''s just the way it is, and there''s nothing that can be done about it. Some women are fine waiting and can stay perfectly happy in the process, some get anxious only due to the excitement that is sure to follow an engagement, and some get anxious because not being engaged is really preventing them from moving forward in their lives (in a totally legitimate way). So sometimes there is nothing that can be done, except try to keep your mind off of it

Also, I really do think that someone can be perfectly aware of their shortcomings, really try to fix them, and still struggle with them. Of course there are some people who may not understand the extent of their issues, but usually when someone is acting obviously out of control (and i use that term extremely loosely) and they acknowledge that AND ask for help in changing or coping, it is a pretty good sign.

I just speak from experience that it really, well, sucks to reach out for advice, and come up with nothing but judgment. especially judgment highlighting all the things that you just admitted you need help on. she didn''t write out the things she did because she was proud of them - she did it to give us an idea of the behaviors that she wants to change, and she doesn''t need us telling her it was crappy of her to do them.

i know a lot of the ladies on here that give the ''harsher'' advice are really well respected and sometimes have good points. But I don''t think that leoslove should be made to feel worse than she did when she originally typed out the post...i know i would have if i were her. it''s totally possible to be honest and ask some hard hitting questions (if appropriate), while still being supportive and encouraging.

sorry for the hijack!

with that said, i agree with IndieJones!

Totally agree with your post, especially the highlighted part. I got an extremely bad vibe reading the aljdewey''s post. Pointing the finger and rambling about how awful she is acting.....while reading it I was just like, "duh. what''s the point of this?"
Job well done telling her what she already knows. Kick her while she''s down!! Gotta love it.

But it is an open forum, people are entitled to whatever they are going to post, and if we don''t like it we can just scream at our computer''s about what a raging B*TCH some people are, and move on. At least that''s what I do. (Totally don''t mean Aljdewey...I''m just generalizing here, although I do think the post was a tad on the mean side.)

Anyway. DEFINITELY be sure to include "be gentle with me" next time so people know to keep their opinions in check.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 9/23/2007 10:57:25 AM
Author:leoslove730

I need some helpful suggestions on how to deal with my LIW anxiety in private without blowing up on my FF and how to chill out anytime I see someone get married or hear about someone getting engaged. My jealously is way out of control, as is everything else I feel regarding the topic. I need some helpful suggestions please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To help pull myself out of the waiting funk, I took a day where I separated myself from everything and everyone and just sat quietly with my thoughts. I realized that I had completely lost sight of what an amazing man I had in my life and that no piece of jewelry could ever bring us closer together. The moment I had that thought, I realized I was allowing my desire for a ring to tear us apart.

Jealousy is very ugly and it can turn the nicest most wonderful person into a snarky b**ch. I’ve got more married/engaged friends than I do singles and I’ve been nothing but excited and happy for each of them as they’ve gotten their rings, walked down the aisle and even given birth for the first time. I consider being a part of all their experiences one of the greatest gifts that comes with being someone’s friend and if I feel a little jealousy sneaking up (as I sometimes do, I am not wonder woman after all), I think of the situation as a sneak peek of what’s to come down the line for me eventually. Try thinking of it like I do: for each person who becomes engaged, plans a wedding, has her big day, survives 9 months of pregnancy and births their first child…it’s not someone getting what you want first, it’s someone who will now be a wonderful source of knowledge and comfort when your time comes to have those experiences.

I also have one night a week dedicated to the girls. My female friends come over, we watch all sorts of “girly” TV (The Hills, I Propose, Who’s Wedding is it Anyway) and we vent about anything and everything…from pre-proposal anxiety, to cold feet before a wedding, to serious relationship issues leading towards divorce, to what vacuum cleaner works the best

It’s a night just for us and I find that having that time to be with the girls to just vent is very cathartic and helpful.

Good luck! You know one of the only things holding your man back is lack of bread for a ring...like several other ladies have pointed out: you are way head of some couples already, try and take comfort in that much at least.