Now I really did it :((

[MamaBee]

@missy Your post just breaks my heart. We all know the pain of having to help our babies cross over the rainbow bridge. I can’t even imagine having to go through the loss of two babies at the same time. I know you will make the decision from your heart which makes it the right one. I agree that having them pass together will make it less traumatic for them. I made the decision too late for Gordie so I promised Bailey that I wouldn’t let that happen to him. My decision was made for me because of his injury. During the deep pandemic I was hysterical that I wan’t able to be back there when they were going to do it. They finally let me be there. We had to wear masks but I had my face against his face so he could smell me. I told him he was the best boy..I loved him so much, etc. I’m crying now because I know your pain right now..You will make the right decision when the time comes..because it will come from your heart.
Much love and hugs..

 

[missy]

Dear @MamaBee I am so sorry. It is heartbreaking beyond heartbreaking. Bailey and Gordon knew how much you loved (still love) them.
I am crying now too. For you, for me and for the cats and for everyone who ever went through this. There are no easy answers.
And right now Bobby is eating but Tommy is not and frailer than I had ever seen any cat. So if it is time for Tommy but Bobby is doing OK at the moment what is the right answer? IDK. And this AM after Bobby left the bed there was a pool of blood where he had been sitting on the bed right next to me. I did not freak out and I went and inspected Bobby but did not see a wound. So another mystery but I am sure in time that will reveal itself. I will never forget the horror show of blood everywhere when Gracie scratched Bobby's face a few months ago and we were at the ER all day. And they had trouble stopping the bleeding. Took so many hours. That's because of his low platelets. We didn't realize at that time how serious this all would become. Anyway I am just rambling on sorry. I feel lost with no clear path. Greg isn't ready (OK now Greg says I am right..it's probably time for Tommy) but I think Tommy is...but not sure what to do about Bobby

Thank you for all your love and support dear Joanne (((Hugs)))

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

@missy healing vibes across the miles. Never an easy decision to make.

xoxo Sharon

 

[Austina]

The only thing I can say @missy is better a minute too soon, than a moment too late

 

[MamaBee]

@missy How are they doing?

 

[missy]

@missy How are they doing?

Long story but Tommy is not eating (day 3 or 4 of barely anything but SQ fluids and B12) and yesterday I found a veterinarian who is willing to travel here to give him peace. Unfortunately Lap of Love had nothing til Tuesday. We had our initial appointment with Lap of Love for this coming Tuesday but yesterday afternoon I realized we cannot wait. So I called this vet yesterday at 5PM after we couldn't move up our Lap of Love appointment. She was willing (over an hour and a half away from us but she seems very kind) but she has not texted back confirmation so I hope she does come this morning. She said she would call me. So hopefully this works out.


As I type this Tommy is on my lap purring. But super weak. Of course I question the decision but I know in my heart it is time. As for Bobby who is sitting right next to me (and Tommy on my lap) he is eating (but other not great symptoms like coughing/gagging/vomiting) and purring and so for Bobby we wait. It might be this week but I cannot put him down as he is right now. Because he does have a good quality of life at the moment. Whereas Tommy (IMO) does not.

Tommy is so so weak I do not even know how he jumped up on the bed last night and stayed on me for 20 minutes. But he did. Then he left. He came back at 3AM or so and wouldn't go on me but lay at the foot of the bed. Somehow he has the energy to jump high (our bed is relatively high off the ground). This AM when we fed everyone Tommy sniffed the food but woud not/could not eat. I of course was still hoping he would turn around as he has so many times before. This same scenario played out at least four other times over the last 5-6 years but this time he is not turning around. This is it

So this morning (I hope and pray) we give him peace. Praying Dr Lisa Bongiovanni does come here as she promised. Praying it goes easy for Tommy and that he feels no pain. the anticipatory grief is extreme. The pain in my heart deep. I know hearts don't literally break or do they. I am crying as I type this. Tommy is such a good boy. My baby.

When I first met him in the basement of the building where I was working

2009






With his sister Francesca




With Bobby...they used to love watching the water run in the sink



His cone of silence after he broke his tail 2010 doing the acrobatics he was always so fond of...he was a daredevil scared of nothing (but other humans for good reason)




In the middle of the Christmas tree..this year none of the cats climbed the tree



With Gracie and Oliver




And just relaxing. One of his favorite activities





With his newest sibling Jasper. Tommy was the only one who gets along with jasper



Lastly when we took him home in 2009...when we were able to rescue him finally from those horrid conditions he was living in as a "mouser" Tommy is and always was a lover nota fighter. I doubt he ever killed any living creature.



It's with a heavy heart I post this. And I know all too soon we will be having to do this all over again with Bobby. It's just not yet Bobby's time. It would make our lives easier to put Bobby down now but it wouldn't be the right thing to do. Will it happen tomorrow? Next week? Next month? IDK none of us can know when but all we do know is that now is not the time for Bobby. But yes. It is time for Tommy.

"
As I hold my darling little boy
knowing the end is so near
I remember all the loving times we had
My sweet Tommy, so dear

Our sweet little boy
Always such a joy

The pain we feel is great
The grief we feel so strong
Nothing will ever be right
It just all feels so wrong

You are growing weak
So frail and so old
You are getting tired
We know you are ready to go

But in our minds
you will always be
Still young and alive
near daddy and me

The sweetest old man
You truly are
A big purry love
A big ball of fur

Your bright green eyes
So beautiful and bold
Truly you are
The brightest of souls

We gave you a good life
Free from hardship and strife
Your beginning was tough
But we gave you all our love


Now we give you eternal peace
From suffering and pain
Our final gift to you dear Tommy
Soon at Rainbow Bridge you will be
with all of our past beloved furry babies


Life is cruel and often unkind
But we will be together
forever
another time

One day we will join you
And all our other loves
The time goes so fast
This darkness won't last

One day we will be
Together Forever
Our hearts again light
And all will feel right

We love you so much sweet Tommy
Our dearest little boy
You're everything to us and more
You brought us everlasting joy

You will live on in our hearts
The very brightest of stars

 

[missy]

Tommy right now

 

[Slickk]

I really have no words … but I’m so so sorry @missy

 

[finerthings]

@missy ((((Tommy is in my thoughts.))))

 

[rcjtraveler]

Long story but Tommy is not eating (day 3 or 4 of barely anything but SQ fluids and B12) and yesterday I found a veterinarian who is willing to travel here to give him peace. Unfortunately Lap of Love had nothing til Tuesday. We had our initial appointment with Lap of Love for this coming Tuesday but yesterday afternoon I realized we cannot wait. So I called this vet yesterday at 5PM after we couldn't move up our Lap of Love appointment. She was willing (over an hour and a half away from us but she seems very kind) but she has not texted back confirmation so I hope she does come this morning. She said she would call me. So hopefully this works out.


As I type this Tommy is on my lap purring. But super weak. Of course I question the decision but I know in my heart it is time. As for Bobby who is sitting right next to me (and Tommy on my lap) he is eating (but other not great symptoms like coughing/gagging/vomiting) and purring and so for Bobby we wait. It might be this week but I cannot put him down as he is right now. Because he does have a good quality of life at the moment. Whereas Tommy (IMO) does not.

Tommy is so so weak I do not even know how he jumped up on the bed last night and stayed on me for 20 minutes. But he did. Then he left. He came back at 3AM or so and wouldn't go on me but lay at the foot of the bed. Somehow he has the energy to jump high (our bed is relatively high off the ground). This AM when we fed everyone Tommy sniffed the food but woud not/could not eat. I of course was still hoping he would turn around as he has so many times before. This same scenario played out at least four other times over the last 5-6 years but this time he is not turning around. This is it

So this morning (I hope and pray) we give him peace. Praying Dr Lisa Bongiovanni does come here as she promised. Praying it goes easy for Tommy and that he feels no pain. the anticipatory grief is extreme. The pain in my heart deep. I know hearts don't literally break or do they. I am crying as I type this. Tommy is such a good boy. My baby.

When I first met him in the basement of the building where I was working

2009






With his sister Francesca




With Bobby...they used to love watching the water run in the sink



His cone of silence after he broke his tail 2010 doing the acrobatics he was always so fond of...he was a daredevil scared of nothing (but other humans for good reason)




In the middle of the Christmas tree..this year none of the cats climbed the tree



With Gracie and Oliver




And just relaxing. One of his favorite activities





With his newest sibling Jasper. Tommy was the only one who gets along with jasper



Lastly when we took him home in 2009...when we were able to rescue him finally from those horrid conditions he was living in as a "mouser" Tommy is and always was a lover nota fighter. I doubt he ever killed any living creature.



It's with a heavy heart I post this. And I know all too soon we will be having to do this all over again with Bobby. It's just not yet Bobby's time. It would make our lives easier to put Bobby down now but it wouldn't be the right thing to do. Will it happen tomorrow? Next week? Next month? IDK none of us can know when but all we do know is that now is not the time for Bobby. But yes. It is time for Tommy.

"
As I hold my darling little boy
knowing the end is so near
I remember all the loving times we had
My sweet Tommy, so dear

Our sweet little boy
Always such a joy

The pain we feel is great
The grief we feel so strong
Nothing will ever be right
It just all feels so wrong

You are growing weak
So frail and so old
You are getting tired
We know you are ready to go

But in our minds
you will always be
Still young and alive
near daddy and me

The sweetest old man
You truly are
A big purry love
A big ball of fur

Your bright green eyes
So beautiful and bold
Truly you are
The brightest of souls

We gave you a good life
Free from hardship and strife
Your beginning was tough
But we gave you all our love


Now we give you eternal peace
From suffering and pain
Our final gift to you dear Tommy
Soon at Rainbow Bridge you will be
with all of our past beloved furry babies


Life is cruel and often unkind
But we will be together
forever
another time

One day we will join you
And all our other loves
The time goes so fast
This darkness won't last

One day we will be
Together Forever
Our hearts again light
And all will feel right

We love you so much sweet Tommy
Our dearest little boy
You're everything to us and more
You brought us everlasting joy

You will live on in our hearts
The very brightest of stars

So very sorry @missy. You, Greg,Tommy and all your kitties are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Austina]

I’m so sorry @missy, but you’re doing what’s best for him, the unselfish thing for your sweet little boy. Awful as it is, he’ll no longer be suffering. We’ll be thinking of you all.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

It is early in the AM here but tears. He has the sweetest face--thank you for giving him a wonderful, loving life. Thinking of you all.

xoxo Sharon

 

[MamaBee]

Heartbreaking..You gave him the very best life. He is a lucky boy to have you and Greg..

 

[missy]

Thank you so much @canuk-gal @Austina @finerthings @rcjtraveler @Slickk @MamaBee
He’s gone.
I can’t believe he’s gone.


We spent all morning together before the veterinarian came
He purred the entire time in bed with me
We had 15 years with him (he was about 1.5 yo when we rescued him from the basement where he was prisoner)
Those 15 years flew by
I want my baby to be at peace but oh I miss him terribly

The vet was kind and gentle and it went smoothly

Thank you all for your compassion and support

 

[finerthings]

@missy Sending you and Greg love. You did the best for Tommy. He will be forever in your heart and soul. Take care.

 

[rcjtraveler]

Thank you so much @canuk-gal @Austina @finerthings @rcjtraveler @Slickk @MamaBee
He’s gone.
I can’t believe he’s gone.


We spent all morning together before the veterinarian came
He purred the entire time in bed with me
We had 15 years with him (he was about 1.5 yo when we rescued him from the basement where he was prisoner)
Those 15 years flew by
I want my baby to be at peace but oh I miss him terribly

The vet was kind and gentle and it went smoothly

Thank you all for your compassion and support

Such a painful but compassionate thing to do for your beloved Tommy. Take good care of yourselves.

 

[MamaBee]

I’m so sorry Missy.

 

[Garnetgirl]

My heart is breaking for you, Missy. You did the right thing, but it’s always so hard. You and Greg gave him the best life.

 

[Slickk]

I feel heartbroken for you and your whole household. You did the best for him his entire life and now he is at peace. Poor baby. May his memory be a blessing
Sending you love and ((hugs))

 

[SparklieBug]

@missy I don’t often come into this thread but today had a nudge to visit. I am so very sorry about your beloved Tommy, and that you had to make the toughest decision. My heart aches for you—I (we) have had to make this heartbreaking decision several times. It is never easy, it always hurts, no matter how kind it is for our deeply beloved companions.

Sending gentle hugs, and love. May your shared love with Tommy be a comforting flame in your heart.

 

[Austina]

I’m so sorry @missy, but glad to hear the vet was kind and compassionate, it makes an awful situation slightly more bearable.

 

[missy]

Thank you again.

@finerthings thank you and yes he is in my heart forever. With each beloved furry baby we lose my heart expands to hold them with me. The pain and grief are great but I wouldn't not have furry babies in our life to avoid that deep grief. They enrich our lives in ways that I cannot even describe. Our love for them so strong. As I have written many times before-they are the best of us. Innocent and good

@rcjtraveler I appreciate your kind words, thank you. I feel guilt over this but knew I would. Did we give the steroids enough time to work. Could he have recovered from this bout of not eating as he had done so many times before. He was just so frail at 7lbs. So wobbly on his feet. Yet still he could jump up on our high bed. So yes I have guilt and doubt but knew it was the best choice out of all the sh*tty choices we had and we do not have that crystal ball to see what the right choice would have ultimately been. And that haunts me.

Thank you sweet J @MamaBee

@Garnetgirl thank you...I appreciate your kind support. We did the best we could but I always say it's not the effort it's the results and I know Greg doesn't agree with my sentiment. You know what they say about the road to hell...(paved with good intentions). But ignore my dark mood. I feel very sad and guilty that our dear sweet Tommy is gone and the fact that Bobby likely will soon follow that path. Breaks my heart all over again. Thank you for chiming in and thank you or your kindness

Aww thanks @Slickk yes his memory will be a blessing eventually but right now all I feel is immense sadness. I will say we were blessed to have Tommy in our lives. Truly blessed. He was an angel on earth. I am not exaggerating. Tommy was pure goodness. As I type this Bobby is laying next to me purring and I don't even think he knows Tommy is gone because he hid yesterday when the veterinarian was here. He is a scaredy cat in the true sense of the word and I dread the day it is his time to go because it will be traumatic just getting him from under the bed where he hides when people visit. One of the reasons we don't have people visiting. I remember a friend (no longer a friend due to the events of the past year) was visiting us at the shore and she couldn't understand why we couldn't have her come to the house. Bobby and Tommy were not well (again) and refusing to eat much and I couldn't risk her visit putting them over the edge. We were planning to meet somewhere near us (a fun day was planned) but then she came down with Covid sadly. Anyway that is one of the main reasons we cannot have people over to entertain anymore. Bobby and Gracie both do not recover well from these visits.

Thanks so much @SparklieBug I appreciate you coming here to check on things and for your comfort and compassion. Yesterday after he was gone and all night all I could do was think of him and look at all the places he used to hang out where he will never be again. In his little bed by the fireplace. On the couch between Greg and me. On my lap on the couch. On the windowsill in the kitchen looking out at the front yard. And in our bed. Usually on me sometimes at the foot of the bed. And the way he used to climb the stairs behind me when it was time to go to bed. As soon as I got off the couch to go to bed he knew it was time. He would climb the stairs a foot behind me at all times and if I stopped he would stop. It was hysterical. I miss that. So much. Last night the painful climb upstairs without him was very very difficult. Who knew we had so many tears in us. I mean when we lost Francesca I couldn't stop crying because her death was not a peaceful one. So in that way this is much better but I am torturing myself with the thoughts we did it too soon. And truly no one knows for sure so comforting words help but I know in my heart we cannot know if it was the right decision. We just cannot know that and forever I will be haunted with this. The not knowing. Could he have had months even years left? Could he have turned around from this as he had so many times before this? Or was it truly truly his time. Did we save him from suffering or did we make a mistake. We will never know for sure

Thank you @Austina yes we were fortunate she was available. Because Lap of Love was who we planned to have come but they were unable to accommodate us sooner and at that time I felt it was time. Tommy seemed to be not loving life and I felt suffering might happen soon. But we will never truly know if it was the right decision. At the time I wanted to give him peace and avoid what Francesca had endured. Did that influence us to end his life too soon? I will forever be haunted over that. I know and have used that quote often..better a day too early than a minute too late but most of the time we just don't know when it is just a day too early...it could be a month too early. Or g-d forbid a year too early or worse. We just don't know for sure. And Tommy had no diagnosis which IMO makes this even worse. Was he terminal? And if so with what? Or was he just old and tired and ready to go? Or was this just a blip on the radar and he would have recovered. We don't know and never will. I pray it was the right decision for him. I pray with all my heart and soul it was.

Here's a photo of Tommy and Bobby from over 10 years ago. They truly loved each other
Looking at me (I had a broken leg at the time) and they kept me company diligently as did Francesa and Fred. May they RIP






Have a good day lovely ladies and thank you for your compassion and support and kindness. It goes a long way in helping me process this. My heart hurts and the guilt I feel only exacerbates the great loss. Our Tommy cat was the best kitty ever. He was truly a gentle soul. A lover not a fighter. He was a LOVE and I long for the day we can be reunited with our beloved loved ones who are now gone. In my brain I don't think that can happen but in my heart I have hope

 

[rcjtraveler]

Thank you again.

@finerthings thank you and yes he is in my heart forever. With each beloved furry baby we lose my heart expands to hold them with me. The pain and grief are great but I wouldn't not have furry babies in our life to avoid that deep grief. They enrich our lives in ways that I cannot even describe. Our love for them so strong. As I have written many times before-they are the best of us. Innocent and good

@rcjtraveler I appreciate your kind words, thank you. I feel guilt over this but knew I would. Did we give the steroids enough time to work. Could he have recovered from this bout of not eating as he had done so many times before. He was just so frail at 7lbs. So wobbly on his feet. Yet still he could jump up on our high bed. So yes I have guilt and doubt but knew it was the best choice out of all the sh*tty choices we had and we do not have that crystal ball to see what the right choice would have ultimately been. And that haunts me.

Thank you sweet J @MamaBee

@Garnetgirl thank you...I appreciate your kind support. We did the best we could but I always say it's not the effort it's the results and I know Greg doesn't agree with my sentiment. You know what they say about the road to hell...(paved with good intentions). But ignore my dark mood. I feel very sad and guilty that our dear sweet Tommy is gone and the fact that Bobby likely will soon follow that path. Breaks my heart all over again. Thank you for chiming in and thank you or your kindness

Aww thanks @Slickk yes his memory will be a blessing eventually but right now all I feel is immense sadness. I will say we were blessed to have Tommy in our lives. Truly blessed. He was an angel on earth. I am not exaggerating. Tommy was pure goodness. As I type this Bobby is laying next to me purring and I don't even think he knows Tommy is gone because he hid yesterday when the veterinarian was here. He is a scaredy cat in the true sense of the word and I dread the day it is his time to go because it will be traumatic just getting him from under the bed where he hides when people visit. One of the reasons we don't have people visiting. I remember a friend (no longer a friend due to the events of the past year) was visiting us at the shore and she couldn't understand why we couldn't have her come to the house. Bobby and Tommy were not well (again) and refusing to eat much and I couldn't risk her visit putting them over the edge. We were planning to meet somewhere near us (a fun day was planned) but then she came down with Covid sadly. Anyway that is one of the main reasons we cannot have people over to entertain anymore. Bobby and Gracie both do not recover well from these visits.

Thanks so much @SparklieBug I appreciate you coming here to check on things and for your comfort and compassion. Yesterday after he was gone and all night all I could do was think of him and look at all the places he used to hang out where he will never be again. In his little bed by the fireplace. On the couch between Greg and me. On my lap on the couch. On the windowsill in the kitchen looking out at the front yard. And in our bed. Usually on me sometimes at the foot of the bed. And the way he used to climb the stairs behind me when it was time to go to bed. As soon as I got off the couch to go to bed he knew it was time. He would climb the stairs a foot behind me at all times and if I stopped he would stop. It was hysterical. I miss that. So much. Last night the painful climb upstairs without him was very very difficult. Who knew we had so many tears in us. I mean when we lost Francesca I couldn't stop crying because her death was not a peaceful one. So in that way this is much better but I am torturing myself with the thoughts we did it too soon. And truly no one knows for sure so comforting words help but I know in my heart we cannot know if it was the right decision. We just cannot know that and forever I will be haunted with this. The not knowing. Could he have had months even years left? Could he have turned around from this as he had so many times before this? Or was it truly truly his time. Did we save him from suffering or did we make a mistake. We will never know for sure

Thank you @Austina yes we were fortunate she was available. Because Lap of Love was who we planned to have come but they were unable to accommodate us sooner and at that time I felt it was time. Tommy seemed to be not loving life and I felt suffering might happen soon. But we will never truly know if it was the right decision. At the time I wanted to give him peace and avoid what Francesca had endured. Did that influence us to end his life too soon? I will forever be haunted over that. I know and have used that quote often..better a day too early than a minute too late but most of the time we just don't know when it is just a day too early...it could be a month too early. Or g-d forbid a year too early or worse. We just don't know for sure. And Tommy had no diagnosis which IMO makes this even worse. Was he terminal? And if so with what? Or was he just old and tired and ready to go? Or was this just a blip on the radar and he would have recovered. We don't know and never will. I pray it was the right decision for him. I pray with all my heart and soul it was.

Here's a photo of Tommy and Bobby from over 10 years ago. They truly loved each other
Looking at me (I had a broken leg at the time) and they kept me company diligently as did Francesa and Fred. May they RIP






Have a good day lovely ladies and thank you for your compassion and support and kindness. It goes a long way in helping me process this. My heart hurts and the guilt I feel only exacerbates the great loss. Our Tommy cat was the best kitty ever. He was truly a gentle soul. A lover not a fighter. He was a LOVE and I long for the day we can be reunited with our beloved loved ones who are now gone. In my brain I don't think that can happen but in my heart I have hope

I hope you will find peace with your decision. While you may never know for certain, your decision was made from a place of love and compassion. The same love and compassion Tommy felt during every moment he had with you, including his final ones. Take good care.

 

[Matata]

Condolences @missy. Words seem to inadequate in times of loss just know that I love you and I grieve with you.

 

[finerthings]

@missy I feel the pain in your words, your guilt and sadness is so raw. Please don't think you made the wrong decision. You wondered if it was too soon for Tommy to go, you said maybe he wasn't suffering. But in reality he was suffering, he was not eating and hadn't eaten for days, he was showing you that he was suffering. You will never know why he had stopped eating, but rest assured even you saw that this time it was different from the other times. Try to let the negative thoughts go, please don't torment yourself with "what ifs", because you won't be at peace with yourself or Tommy's death. You did more than most anyone on this planet to try to coax him to live just one more day, one more week... but in the end it was Tommy who was showing you that he wanted to go, he wanted you to understand that he needed your help in letting him go. Take care of yourself Missy, you did the right thing. Your love for him and all your kitties comes deep from your soul. You are a special mom, please don't beat yourself up.

 

[jeaniefish]

Missy,
I was waiting to add my condolences to the many already here..waiting until I could think of just the right thing to say. Well, I don’t have just the right words to comfort you. I wish that I did. The kindest hearts always feel their losses in the deepest way. We all know that you are one of those “kindest hearts “ and that any cat you have rescued and loved was the luckiest cat in the world when he/she was in your care. You did the most difficult, unselfish thing by not holding on to Tommy when you knew he was ready to leave this life but you weren’t ready to let him go.
Thank you for loving and caring for animals ,and not turning your back on a stray, when you know that years from now, your heart will break again when you have to say goodbye once more.

 

[Austina]

@missy, please don’t second guess yourself. You absolutely did the right thing for your little boy. Please believe me when I tell you that if you’d left it any longer, and seen him suffering, you’d never forgive yourself. I bitterly regret not making the decision sooner for my first boy, I didn’t want to let him go, and it was selfish of me.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Emotional decisions are always the most difficult to bear--guilt laden and turmoil. But please be gentle to yourself as you have sound judgement. Sir Thomas is at peace.

xoxo--Sharon

 

[MamaBee]

@missy, please don’t second guess yourself. You absolutely did the right thing for your little boy. Please believe me when I tell you that if you’d left it any longer, and seen him suffering, you’d never forgive yourself. I bitterly regret not making the decision sooner for my first boy, I didn’t want to let him go, and it was selfish of me.

@Austina I did the same thing with my dog, Gordie..He died on my kitchen floor in front of me. It was absolutely devastating.

 

[MamaBee]

@missy I think it’s so natural to feel like you didn’t do the right thing. You did a brave and loving thing..by putting him first. It was time for him to be with Francesca.