@missy I feel the pain in your words, your guilt and sadness is so raw. Please don't think you made the wrong decision. You wondered if it was too soon for Tommy to go, you said maybe he wasn't suffering. But in reality he was suffering, he was not eating and hadn't eaten for days, he was showing you that he was suffering. You will never know why he had stopped eating, but rest assured even you saw that this time it was different from the other times. Try to let the negative thoughts go, please don't torment yourself with "what ifs", because you won't be at peace with yourself or Tommy's death. You did more than most anyone on this planet to try to coax him to live just one more day, one more week... but in the end it was Tommy who was showing you that he wanted to go, he wanted you to understand that he needed your help in letting him go. Take care of yourself Missy, you did the right thing. Your love for him and all your kitties comes deep from your soul. You are a special mom, please don't beat yourself up.
Thank you again.
@finerthings thank you and yes he is in my heart forever. With each beloved furry baby we lose my heart expands to hold them with me. The pain and grief are great but I wouldn't not have furry babies in our life to avoid that deep grief. They enrich our lives in ways that I cannot even describe. Our love for them so strong. As I have written many times before-they are the best of us. Innocent and good
@rcjtraveler I appreciate your kind words, thank you. I feel guilt over this but knew I would. Did we give the steroids enough time to work. Could he have recovered from this bout of not eating as he had done so many times before. He was just so frail at 7lbs. So wobbly on his feet. Yet still he could jump up on our high bed. So yes I have guilt and doubt but knew it was the best choice out of all the sh*tty choices we had and we do not have that crystal ball to see what the right choice would have ultimately been. And that haunts me.
Thank you sweet J @MamaBee
@Garnetgirl thank you...I appreciate your kind support. We did the best we could but I always say it's not the effort it's the results and I know Greg doesn't agree with my sentiment. You know what they say about the road to hell...(paved with good intentions). But ignore my dark mood. I feel very sad and guilty that our dear sweet Tommy is gone and the fact that Bobby likely will soon follow that path. Breaks my heart all over again. Thank you for chiming in and thank you or your kindness
Aww thanks @Slickk yes his memory will be a blessing eventually but right now all I feel is immense sadness. I will say we were blessed to have Tommy in our lives. Truly blessed. He was an angel on earth. I am not exaggerating. Tommy was pure goodness. As I type this Bobby is laying next to me purring and I don't even think he knows Tommy is gone because he hid yesterday when the veterinarian was here. He is a scaredy cat in the true sense of the word and I dread the day it is his time to go because it will be traumatic just getting him from under the bed where he hides when people visit. One of the reasons we don't have people visiting. I remember a friend (no longer a friend due to the events of the past year) was visiting us at the shore and she couldn't understand why we couldn't have her come to the house. Bobby and Tommy were not well (again) and refusing to eat much and I couldn't risk her visit putting them over the edge. We were planning to meet somewhere near us (a fun day was planned) but then she came down with Covid sadly. Anyway that is one of the main reasons we cannot have people over to entertain anymore. Bobby and Gracie both do not recover well from these visits.
Thanks so much @SparklieBug I appreciate you coming here to check on things and for your comfort and compassion. Yesterday after he was gone and all night all I could do was think of him and look at all the places he used to hang out where he will never be again. In his little bed by the fireplace. On the couch between Greg and me. On my lap on the couch. On the windowsill in the kitchen looking out at the front yard. And in our bed. Usually on me sometimes at the foot of the bed. And the way he used to climb the stairs behind me when it was time to go to bed. As soon as I got off the couch to go to bed he knew it was time. He would climb the stairs a foot behind me at all times and if I stopped he would stop. It was hysterical. I miss that. So much. Last night the painful climb upstairs without him was very very difficult. Who knew we had so many tears in us. I mean when we lost Francesca I couldn't stop crying because her death was not a peaceful one. So in that way this is much better but I am torturing myself with the thoughts we did it too soon.
Thank you @Austina yes we were fortunate she was available. Because Lap of Love was who we planned to have come but they were unable to accommodate us sooner and at that time I felt it was time. Tommy seemed to be not loving life and I felt suffering might happen soon. But we will never truly know if it was the right decision. At the time I wanted to give him peace and avoid what Francesca had endured. Did that influence us to end his life too soon? I will forever be haunted over that. I know and have used that quote often..better a day too early than a minute too late but most of the time we just don't know when it is just a day too early...it could be a month too early. Or g-d forbid a year too early or worse. We just don't know for sure. And Tommy had no diagnosis which IMO makes this even worse. Was he terminal? And if so with what? Or was he just old and tired and ready to go? Or was this just a blip on the radar and he would have recovered. We don't know and never will. I pray it was the right decision for him. I pray with all my heart and soul it was.
Here's a photo of Tommy and Bobby from over 10 years ago. They truly loved each other
Looking at me (I had a broken leg at the time) and they kept me company diligently as did Francesa and Fred. May they RIP
Have a good day lovely ladies and thank you for your compassion and support and kindness. It goes a long way in helping me process this. My heart hurts and the guilt I feel only exacerbates the great loss. Our Tommy cat was the best kitty ever. He was truly a gentle soul. A lover not a fighter. He was a LOVE and I long for the day we can be reunited with our beloved loved ones who are now gone. In my brain I don't think that can happen but in my heart I have hope
Good morning and thank you all for taking the time and energy to post in the hopes of making me feel less awful. I truly appreciate everyone who wrote to me. It does soften the pain a bit and it does help me process things more clearly. So thank you from of the bottom of my heart.
Yes thank you for your wise words. I couldn't have loved him more and I hope and pray he knew that. He was cherished and adored all the days he was with us.
Aww thank you. I know you get it and I am sorry you understand all too well. As life often does it has thrown us more twists and turns and so while I grieve for Tommy other things at the moment are (unfortunately) taking front and center. Last night I got a bit of an unwelcome shock. Bobby is bleeding again but this time from the leg. Not sure what it is but before bed last night I went upstairs to check on him and there was a pool of blood where I usually lay in bed. And a pool of blood on his little cat bed too. Cannot make this stuff up.
Long story short the bleeding slowed considerably last night so we did not bring him to emergency. This morning if we cannot get in to see the local vet (he does not take emergencies) we might go to the animal hospital. Bobby has low platelets so that explains why he is still bleeding but not why he is bleeding in the first place. There is a bump or something on his leg. Like I said cannot make this stuff up. Plus when we got home yesterday jasper was on the bed sitting in d**dy. And at 3AM he woke me with his wet paws. Yup. He is leaving doody marks everywhere. Excuse the descriptive term lol. I don't see diarrhea in any of the litter boxes but something is not right.
I have to laugh or I might have a nervous breakdown. Right now I am mostly concerned about Bobby. He is eating and he seems alert and good but now this. Could it be a tumor on his leg? That all the vets missed two weeks ago or did it grow that fast? Ugh. So yeah it has taken my mind off my deep grief for at least this moment but not how I wanted to take mind off Tommy's death.
Thank you so much for those too kind words and I hope to come to terms with his death. It will just take time. Do I still cry over Francesca? Yes. Every day. But her death was brutal and it was because of how that went down I knew we couldn't put Tommy through that kind of suffering. I guess we can never really know when the time is just right but I hate how life works. I know I cannot change it but I hate it. I wish so badly that our furry babies could live longer
Jeanie thank you. Those are just the right words. They mean a lot to me too. And what you wrote about taking another in (we do it to honor the one we lost) yes you are so right. I do think ahead to that time in the (hopefully distant but I know all too well it could be sooner than we want) future and losing them again. This is my 6th cat who died (since I started adopting rescue cats in 1992) and very soon it will be 7 (Bobby) and I miss every single one of them so much. They were all different but all special and unique and left an indelible mark in our lives. But there are so many who need homes. So many. Sometimes I do want to just give up because it is overwhelming but I know for every life we save it is meaningful and matters and so we continue. Have we made mistakes? Hell yes. I try to learn from each one but it doesn't make those mistakes easier. And most often we couldn't have changed them because without that crystal ball it's just doing the best we can. I am not getting stronger (physically or emotionally) as I get older sadly and I feel each loss more intensely but I have to suck it up because the alternative is even less palatable. Sorry if that makes no sense. I did not sleep well and if you read what I wrote to Matata you can see we have a lot on our plate at this moment.
I am so sorry for what you went through with your sweet boy. I get it. And that was the impetus to give Tommy peace before he started truly suffering. He was not loving life and I think when we realized that the decision became easier. But still painful of course. I am sorry for all the losses all of us have endured and for all the furry babies we miss terribly. I hope you don't beat yourself up about your sweet boy. You did the best you could at the time and he knew how much you loved him and he loved you. Unconditionally.
Thank you sweet Sharon. You are so right. He is at peace. I pray one day Greg and I can join him and all the other furry babies we love and miss
I am so sorry about Gordie. The wisdom you shared with me I share back with you. Gordie knew how much you loved him and he loved you and you did your best at the time. And he is at peace now. Thank you. Yes I pray Tommy is with Francesca, Fred, Billy, Buster, Butch and all our childhood furry babies too. And maybe with my grandma. That would be so lovely. A fairy tale but I find comfort in it nonetheless
I updated what has been happening in my reply to Matata so won't repeat the entire drama here. But Bobby is bleeding from something on his leg. He was not hurt by the other cats this time. It was a nightmare experience last night going into the bedroom and seeing a pool of blood on the bed. So this AM we have to decide the best course of action given our vet does not take emergencies and my sister is away in the Caribbean. I am not even calling her though she told me I could. She hasn't had a real vacation for a long time so leaving her to enjoy her trip and we will figure it out. I hate asking for more favors after you have all been so kind but if you can keep Bobby in your prayers I would greatly appreciate that.
Leaving you with my phone screenshot. This has been my screenshot for almost 10 years. And I am obviously not changing it anytime soon.
My sweet Tommy cat. He was an angel on earth and he enriched our lives in so many ways. We will always love him and hold him close to us in our hearts. For as long as we are alive.
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@missy..Getting it all out is good. I also do that when I have to make a hard decision. Let it out…Big hugs and love to you..
Happy New Year’s Day lovelies.
Cool here so we went for a brisk walk today.
Mega A-holes letting off fireworks till 3am
Our neighbours invited us over yesterday evening for a few small fireworks for their little boy, then we went in to see the puppy for a while. He’s lovely, and hopefully we’ll be looking after him when they’re away.
nose!
Hello lovelies
@missy, it’s still far too raw for you, I still get emotional talking about Dottie, and she’s been gone over 5 years. I enjoy hearing about the kitties, so please don’t ever feel we don’t want to hear about them.
He is a cutie @Jemi, how is your little guy doing?
Just took the car to be washed and give it a run, nothing else planned for today.
Too bad there were no deals at the liquor store.....or for take out.
I am torturing myself still but I am working through it. Greg is 100% confident we made the right decision and he loves these cats as much (maybe even more) than I do. You should see what he does for them. And he is not at all in doubt we did the right thing. All I know is I miss my Tommy boy so much.
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