PS Mommy Thread-Newborn to 12 months!

[fieryred33143]

China-I’m headed out the door but wanted to respond to you.

Big hugs because the being a FT mom, FT employee, FT wife is hard.

This is just my theory but I believe that there is a small window after returning to work where things are relatively easy. I don’t know if it’s just the transition from maternity leave back to work for the employee, the boss, the workload or a combination of all three but I found that between months 3 and 6 (so the first 3 months back at work) were manageable. It was right around when Sophia hit 6 months that things got harder to manage (it may also be that she turned 6 months on Jan 1 which is our second half of the fiscal year).

I wanted to address your feelings around being a SAHM. I understand that there are women out there who feel they aren’t suited to be a SAHM, but I think those scenarios are usually true for women who also love their careers. There is such a thing as a work/life balance if you love what you do and you are happy with your working situation. It sounds to me like you are working way too much at a job you sortakinda like which doesn’t fit into the equation of having a happy work/life balance (IMO).

I also don’t think that this is really a matter of what you are missing out with O when working because if your bosses provided you with a better workload balance at work, the “life” part would also be a lot easier.

Just based on what you wrote my suggestions would be:
-Have another discussion with your boss about the workload and address issue #2 that you did not get an opportunity to address with him.
-If they can’t change the type of responsibility, then make a case for reduced hours/pt work plan.
-Really consider being a SAHM. I don’t think that you would be unhappy for what an internet stranger''s opinion is worth

. Working out the shift of power in the marriage will depend on open communication and honesty between you and DH much like any other life changing decisions made.

I would also suggest sending a message to Robbie on the other social network. I don’t want to speak on her behalf but Robbie was also very unhappy with the work/life situation (she posted a summary about it here) and I think she can give you better insight on a) how she came to her decision to be a SAHM and b) how it is going for her.

Hugs again. I will add a disclaimer saying that I''m all for staying home when you are unhappy at work and have the ability to do so. I love what I do but if I could stay home I would. As it stands now, I have found ways to manage the work/life balance so if you do decide to stay working then maybe we can have another discussion/thread on how other working mommas do it. I think it''ll be a really helpful resource.

 

[cdt1101]

Just wanted to pop in and offer major HUGS to you, China. Your schedule sounds exhausting and to answer your question I think it sounds insane

If it were me I''d really consider staying home for a bit (if it''s feasible financially). To me it sounds like you need the "break" and I think after being home for some time you can truly decide if 1. you really do not want to be a SAHM and 2. find something that will better provide a balance between work/home (if you decide being a SAHM isn''t for you). Good luck w/ whatever you decide and know we''re always here if you need to vent.

 

[NovemberBride]

China - Hugs to you. You sound exhausted. It sounds like you may not want to SAHM, but what about getting a less demanding job in your field. I seem to have it in my mind that you are an attorney - is that right? If so, would you consider going in-house? I went in house 2 years ago and I have never regretted it. Most days my job is as challenging as working in a law firm, but I get to supervise outside counsel and I go home at 5:30 when they are just settling in at work for the evening. If I am remembering wrong, you can disregard this, but maybe there is something similar in your field?

 

[Pandora II]

China - I am so not the SAHM type, I always said I''d never have kids if I couldn''t afford a live-in nanny as they''d be better off than being with me. I was also always very into my career and other hobbies.

Funnily enough, I really enjoy being at home with Daisy. And, I don''t get bored - granted I live in London that does make things easier. D and I go to museums, exhibitions, the park, shops, gardens etc and do all the things that I used to wish I had time to do when I was at work all the time (that don''t involve me being on my own!)

Monday and Tuesday nights I drop Daisy off at DH''s work at 6pm and go to the Gemmological Association of Great Britain where I''m doing my fellowship in Gemmology. This way I get to do something that I''m interested in, use my brain and spend time with people that doesn''t involve babies or talking about babies. I also get a few hours without D which is lovely.

I will go back to work part-time to make enough that I can contribute to the bills and have some ''me'' money so I feel I''m not dependant on DH for everything. Hopefully in a job that is interesting (gem related would be great), but doesn''t require hour or stress that take away from my family time.

Obviously, financial obligations are one aspect to consider if one is thinking about becoming a SAHM, but I think you don''t have to be a confirmed ''mother'' type to enjoy it. What you do when you are at home is also down to what you want to make of it and whether you see it as an opportunity or a trap.

Sha - Poor you and poor bebe. Honestly, accidents happen - Daisy has had a black eye, numerous cuts and bruises and has fallen off the bed 3 times already onto a hardwood floor. They really do bounce!

I''m sure you won''t have done her teeth any harm.

----------------------

Daisy is in a horrible mood today - really whingy and was a PITA for DH all evening, he looked very stressed when I got home. I think she''s got tummy ache still as she''s still bad at night with the screaming attacks so I''m going to have a think about what she''s eating and see if it''s something there that is the cause.

Otherwise, she''s cracking me up in the morning. She''s got a new fluffy duck that I got her on Saturday for being a very good girl all day. It''s kept on the top of the headboard/shelf thing on our bed and when she wakes up, she sits up, rubs her eyes and then goes ''Dut, Dut'' and stands up to get the duck down. Then she hugs it to her cheek saying ''Dut, Aaaahhhhhh''. It''s so cute.

Today she has also learnt to climb off our bed - she goes to the end of the barrier rail, sits down, holds on to the rail with one hand and slides her body off the edge till she touches the ground. I''m still a bit wary of her doing it without me there with an arm out just in case, but I will be very relieved when she can get down on her own safely.

We went to try out the Wheely Bug on Saturday - for anyone interested, the small one was definitely too small (and she''s tiny) - and she HATED it. Didn''t even want to look at it and screamed blue murder when I put her on it. Strangely she doesn''t like anything like rocking-horses or see saws - she just seems petrified and screams like mad. DH said he was the same as a small child - whereas I loved rocking-horses. Anyway, we decided to nix the Wheely Bug as if D isn''t keen on something the first time it doesn''t tend to improve later on.

Instead I''ve ordered the dolly as she seems very interested in them. After loads of research I went with the Corolle Classic Bebe Charmeur doll. It''s not gruesome to look at, is soft and machine washable. It''s on the expensive side, but I managed to get a pretty good deal and get it for nearly half price.

 

[lili]

Pandora--
Have you tried the Rody Pony?
J have the Wheely and the Rody Pony and I''d say that she get more enjoyment out of the Rody.

 

[phoenixgirl]

China, it''s so funny, I was just thinking about how stressed out I am being a working mom, and I thought of how you seemed to be managing things so well. Ha, right? I totally understand. "Unsustainable" is exactly how my situation feels to me. I''m just too tired, and there''s no time for anything except work and Claire. We work to live, right . . . we don''t live to work. Your boss not seeing where you were going with your conversation might be a sign that staying isn''t feasible right now. Of course, I don''t make all that much money, so that makes it easier.


Sha, so sorry for poor Dalila. I can''t stand thinking of her with her poor bruised lips.


As for me, I must grade 47 essays by Friday. Oh, yippee yay.

 

[Mara]

China...

I feel your pain. I also don't feel like I am SAHM material for long-term/forever. While I really like being home AND like being home with J... I don't like feeling like it's 'all on me' during the day. I will be honest and say that I like the thought of paying someone else to be responsible for my kid for some of the time so I can have a break. While I don't want to be home with him all the time necessarily, I would like to have the option to decide in an ideal world if finances didn't come into play.

I also don't think that working FT is going to work that great either. Corporate worlds can be challenging when it comes to balance. I have heard from other working Moms where I work just how hard they find it. Home at 5:30pm after traffic, or 6 on some bad days, then the baby goes to bed at 7:30 or 8 and you have such a tiny period of time together. But we'll see, I am going to give it a try. And unfortunately at this point in my career, my salary is significant, and makes up almost 50% of our household. I would ideally work PT or contract or something like that. I also love my industry, and really like my job and company, BUT things are changing since we have a new VP and are in the middle of a reorg, and in the old world I might have been able to wfh for 2 days and/or not really necessarily have to haul butt, but in this new world, things might be diff and I feel like a lot of people are going to want to prove themselves when I am not interested in doing that again. I already resent the thought of having to be gone from 9-5, nevermind having to feel like I should go in early or stay late.

Based on what you said, if you guys can afford it financially, consider taking some time off to stay home to even just try it out. We are thinking if we can save enough then I might be able to go PT or contract OR stay at home within 3-4 months after returning for up to 1.5 years. Most Moms have told me that at age 2 they felt like their kids were way more interested in other kids than being with them, so I could see returning to work or going FT around age 2. Also even if you just take a year off, is that ok in your industry? For me, I could take prob up to 2 years off before having to return before my skills need a serious refresher. This is why if I could do something PT it would be great.

If you do that and decide in a few months it's totally not you or not feasible, then you could focus on getting a job that really does appreciate work/life balance. Some companies DO support that a lot more than others.

The other thing for us is that we only plan to have one baby, so it's a finite period of time to make a financial sacrifice. I don't want us to regret something later you know. Anyway, we're talking about it but I can see something similar happening... my old boss is a friend too but yep from a work perspective they are still a boss who needs something from you as an employee.

Lastly, it doesnt matter if anyone else thinks your schedule is crazy. What matters is what you and your hub think and what you want for your family. Good luck working through it.

 

[taovandel]

Sha: I''m so sorry! I know this won''t help but my sister was at work the other day at Payless and a lady had her baby there and when she picked up the car seat her baby fell out of it. It can happen to anyone just give her lots of hugs and kisses.

China: I have no advice, but Hugs!

 

[anchor31]

Hey ladies! It''s been kind of rough for the past couple of days and I just wanted to post about this tonight to get it out of my system and I''ll catch up tomorrow.

We''ve been having a hard time putting J to sleep since his week at the hospital last month. Up until last week it seemed a lot like shellshock and it got much better. He went back to the schedule he''d worked out by himself pre-hospital (4AM-8AM-12PM-4PM-6PM(bottle)-8PM), and putting him to bed was getting easier. However, three nights ago something really odd started happening. When I tried to nurse him at 8PM, he got mad and it took us over an hour to put him down. The following night, I nursed him and rocked him and he went down on his own like a charm. Last night, he took he fell asleep at 8PM without feeding first so we put him to bed, but he woke up hungry at 8:30PM so I nursed him. I always do a nurse-diaper-nurse routine, but when I tried to nurse him after changing his diaper, he got really mad and it took us an hour to calm him down and get him to sleep. We just couldn''t figure out why he was screaming and it was really upsetting. Today, he was hungry at 3PM so I nursed him, but he kept getting fussy afterwards. I tried to nurse him again at 4:30PM but he got mad, then at 6PM again so DH gave him his usual bottle of BM. At 8PM I tried nursing him again, and he got mad again... But I didn''t have anymore BM so we gave him formula. He gulped it down and fell asleep immediately.

So... it looks like he''s starting to refuse the breast, at least in the evening.

I''m trying to not take it personally as a rejection of myself, but it''s not easy. My brother was visiting from Halifax tonight and he has a 1-month-old niece from his wife''s side and she''s exclusively FF''ed because she refused the breast from the get-go, so I''m thankful he was there to support me. I guess I''m going to have to take it one feeding at a time; nurse him as much as I can, pump as much as I can and supplement with formula when we need to. I really hoped I could EBF until 6 months, but if he doesn''t take the breast anymore I have to feed him something...

I''d appreciate all the support and encouragement you can spare...

Question: In the midst of the BF/FF debate (which I''m NOT looking to re-ignite, please!) someone mentioned that we should be told what not to do when FF''ing... I would love to know what you know please!

 

[ChinaCat]

THANK YOU for all the comments/support. I will be back later to respond/comment.

But I wanted to quickly answer Anchor.

How old is Jacob? At around 3 months (I think?) O started doing something similar. He would start to nurse and then pull off and scream or refuse to nurse. I was a wreck. Frustrated because he wasn''t eating, scared he wasn''t getting enough food, felt like a failure b/c I couldn''t get him to nurse, frustrated because I couldn''t read him to figure out what was going on. I never really figured out what was going on, but it was a definite phase and it lasted awhile.

Luckily I was at my parents'' house at the time so I had extra help. Essentially I would try to nurse him but if he didn''t take to it within 5 minutes, I gave him to my mom and she gave him a bottle of pumped BM. And I would pump while she fed him. Weirdly, he would still nurse if he woke up in the middle of the night. My BFF has a daughter 3 months older than O and I called her desperate. She said that her daughter did the exact same thing so at least I knew it was somewhat "normal". And she did say that they are usually so tired that they nurse at night.

He got over it after a few weeks. Maybe two weeks? Also, sometimes if I changed up the hold he would nurse. Usually a football hold seemed to work.

Anyways, I don''t know what''s going on with Jacob, but wanted you to know I''ve been there and it''s scary and frustrating. But babies do stuff like this all the time. It''s not personal and you are a GREAT mom. If you WANT to continue BF, if you can keep up with pumping he''ll most likely get over it and nurse again. If you can''t or if you just want to switch to FF and it makes your life easier, then please do what works for you guys and DON''T feel guilty. And if you can mostly pump and just have to add some formula, then do what you have to do. The important thing is that J eats, and if formula is working, then give him formula.

Anyways, hang in there.

 

[Mara]

anchor i found an article online the other day in the midst of the FF/BF discussion and it talked about some of the things to watch out for when FF'ing.

from what i recall it said that when you mix the formula, don't make it too highly concentrated and that most formula errors were because of the parents not mixing it correctly or force feeding the babies (re: obesity or not letting the babies tell you when full).

i recall also hearing somewhere that FF babies could potentially have a slightly higher risk for SIDS because they might sleep more deeply due to formula digesting more slowly than BM. actually we might have heard this in our BF class. but i don't know if that is FF fed babies from the start or if BF babies who are later FF have the same risk or what, so i would take it with a grain of salt.

honestly i tend to think that babies who are BOTH BF and FF kind of have the best of both worlds. that's just my opinion. and i doubt 'studies' have been done on BF *and* FF babies and what that means you know? all the studies seem to be sole FF or sole BF.

anyway i will try to find that article as well.

J was getting angry and refusing both breast and bottle at almost every feeding after just eating a few oz about 2 weeks ago and i was getting worried but the pedi said that something might be bothering him in stomach, aka even allergies can affect their stomachs. hopefully your J will also go through it if its a phase fairly quickly. hang in there and ditto CC's note to pump ...if he is truly refusing breast then you can still feed milk through bottle as long as you can.

oh and also ditto what CC said re: changing the hold. for whatever reason J was still getting upset on my right boob even after he stopped freaking out on the bottle and left boob so i switched the hold and now he is fine. go figure!

 

[Pandora II]

Anchor, D definitely went through phases where I was convinced that she wasn''t keen on bfing. They tended to last a week or so and then it was business as usual. The one thing I have really learnt this year is that everytime I think I have cracked something or got a routine, alone comes a damn growth spurt or milestone and screws the whole thing up!

 

[vizsla]

anchor - c did this ''refusal'' thing as well. i would contact a LC for their advice - it sounds like a phase.

china- ((HUGS)) you said what i feel everyday. not enough hours in the day to be the person everyone is expecting you to be - not enough time to ''give'' to your job, not enough time to be the mom you want to be to O - not enough time to be the wife you want to be to DH... it''s the perfect storm eh?

my situation is slightly different as we can not afford for me not to work FT. i am, however, actively looking for a job that will shorten my commute and my working hours. i feel like if i just had a job with 8-5 hours - close to home so i could see charlie at lunch - that would increase my ''awake time'' with C by almost 3 hours a day! much better than the hour or hour and a half i have currently.

however, if i had the opportunity to be at home more - i would JUMP at it. i would still work in some capacity - part time / 3 days a week.. something.

and if i *really* didn''t have to worry about $$$ i would volunteer for a charity that i feel passionate about.

could YOU do some pro-bono work?? (just thinking out loud here).

i know it is an antiquated notion that the mom stays home and dad goes off to work - but physically - *emotionally* i believe women are wired to crave that interaction with their child - much like the child is wired to crave their mother. i know it''s not "you" to choose staying home over a career, but it can be "you" to CHOOSE to be home with O because you feel that would be best for your family.

i use the ''i''m not the only woman who has had to go back to work after baby'' excuse all of the time to get thru the day... but after three months of it, i don''t *care* that i''m not the only one. it''s not working, i NEED to find something that better fits the needs of my family. i''m taking control (instead of my job doing it for me) in that way i feel empowered about the situation.

the glass ceiling is alive and well where i work. if i return to work and give the same amount of time before baby and sacrifice my family time i get rewarded..handsomely - BUT if i take time off or don''t give all of the hours expected of me then i am looked over or, seen as less of an employee who doesn''t ''care''. it''s BS. work guilt, mom guilt.. i''m so tired of it.

i know you will make the right decision for you and your family and i would encourage you to follow your heart.. can''t go wrong there

 

[steph72276]

Good morning! Wow, I just got back from registering A for Kindergarten next year...give your little guys and girls a hug today, before you know it, they will be off to school too

. Evan had another good night. I am taking both the boys out to eat lunch outside today to enjoy this beautiful weather we''re having! Hope everyone has a great day! I will pop back in when E is down for a nap to write to everyone individually!

 

[ChinaCat]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and responses. I feel better already, just getting it out there and also reading your words. Having this thread can be a sanity saver.

Fiery- I totally agree that months 3-6 at work seemed manageable and now all of a sudden it''s not. Not sure if it''s because when I returned to work the expectations were lower for a bit but now they expect more, or if it''s because O is bigger and older and more fun. Funny I was going back and reading trying to find some of my posts about O not eating for Anchor and I noticed that I seem to parrot your posts, just a few months later. I should pay more attention to your issues, because it seems like we go through the same stuff!

November- Yes, I am an attorney. I definitely have thought about in-house, just not sure whether 1) I have enough experience for my field and 2) if anyone is even hiring right now. I do real estate/lending and finance and none of the banks are doing any new deals right now. But I am going to put my feelers out there. Good to know that in-house can be better hours!!! What kind of law do you do?

Pandora- Thanks for your comments on being bored. Your life actually sounds about perfect- time with Daisy, but also time to pursue a passion/hobby. Plus of course you live in London, which is a big plus to me.

Mara, CDT- Thanks for your thoughts ladies.

Viz- THANKS. Your thoughts are my thoughts. And big hugs to you for fighting this battle every day, PLUS not sleeping. I can barely manage and O is sleeping well. The nights he gets up (usually for teething) I literally feel like I am one loose string away from losing it.

Phoenix- Funny!!!! The thing is I WAS handling it well, so this has kind of taken me by surprise. It''s totally different than when I first came back. I admire your ability to simply say that even though some women can handle it, you simply can''t/don''t want to. I am having a hard time with that.

I feel a million times better today. Today and yesterday I have a bit of a breather between deals, so that helps. I am going OOT for my sister''s wedding this weekend, and hope to really think about what I want. I need to talk to DH as well.

I definitely think that something has to give. Either I find something with less hours, I quit, or I stay on for a few more months to get our finances in order so that I can quit. The problem with that is it doesn''t solve my issue of feeling like I''m missing out on O''s babyhood, he''s going to be 8 months this weekend.

A few more months and he''s one and where did it all go??????????????????

Oh and I wanted to say something about SAHM''s. I was fretting last night that my tongue-in-cheek comments about the SAHM''s I know might have offended some SAHM or worse, seemed like I was judging. My mom was a SAHM and was wonderful at it. What I meant by that is that I am NOT good at any of the things that my mom is. I don''t cook or clean well, I am not patient, I get bored easily. So I am not sure that I would be a GOOD SAHM and I really would want to be. I think it is one of THE hardest and most thankless jobs and I really admire anyone that can do it, and especially do it with a smile. It seems like it should be so natural, but it''s not natural to me. All of my best friends are SAHM''s and are so content. I really envy their confidence about their place in life. Not to say they don''t have struggles, but deciding whether to stay home was a no-brainer for them. And they were all highly successful, highly educated women. One is a chef, one was a lawyer, one a PR whiz, and one was a managing director at an investment bank. All totally happy staying home. There is an interesting point in there about women, motherhood and working and feminism, but I am too tired to think about it any further.

 

[vizsla]

china - you don't need to apologize for those comments... we understand what you meant

.

i totally get it, totally totally... i think the same things - friends who seem so content being at home and it was 'no brainer' they wouldn't go back to work.

i don't think i would be a good SAHM either, certainly not 'as good' as them..

but then THEY will say to me .. charlie is so lucky to have you and DH as parents, you two are so 'fun'.

my point is, while they may be good at the cleaning, cooking etc. - you might be amazing with sensory exploration, or music or art - KWIM?

one of my working mom friends said to me - 'while i may need c more when he is a baby, HE will actually need me more when he's older' (to help with the babyhood guilt thing) - baseball games, school activities, PTA - and that is why i want to make a change NOW. i don't want to be the mom who always has to show up in the 3rd inning b/c they couldn't get off of work.

anyhoo have a great weekend! things might seem more clear after a glass or two of vino

 

[NovemberBride]

China - I do securities and M&A work, but I actually work for a commercial real estate finance company. I went in-house during my 4th year - a little early, but it was a perfect fit for my skill set. Most opportunities I have seen are for someone in the 5-7 year range, not sure where you are in your career. It is tough in real estate right now, but hopefully will pick up again soon (my company is currently in bankruptcy, so if they don''t I''ll be looking for another job soon too). Does your firm offer any flex or part-time options? I worked for two biglaw firms before going in-house and they both paid a lot of lip service to these options, although truthfully I don''t know anyone who did it successfully for any sustained period of time, but maybe your firm is better than others?

I totally agree with your thoughts on being a SAHM. I know I am a good mom, but I don''t think I''d be a good SAHM mom either. I don''t cook or clean, and if I didn''t work we couldn''t afford to have a cleaning service or eat out as much as we do and frankly I think I''d be pretty miserable if that were the case. Of course, different strokes for different strokes, I know plenty of people who happily give up those sort of extras to stay at home.

 

[Mara]

CC your post didn''t seem offensive to me at all. personally i agree with what you said. i wouldn''t make a great SAHM long-term. i could do it for a while i think, honestly i love being at home in general. but i miss my coworkers, my job, MONEY!! but when i am at work i know i will miss J and freedom. grass is always greener.

re: them missing you more later, i actually agree with this. i know that when i go back it will be hard for me, but prob not as hard for J. he''ll still be young and while he will miss me, it will be way worse for me probably. i''m hoping since my mom and sis are going to watch him and they are already around a lot hopefully he won''t really notice too much. but in sept when i have to get ''care'' it will be really hard.

so our news here...J is talking up a storm. he is so friggin cute, this is my most favorite thing so far. he looks all serious and struggles to form his lips sometimes and is getting louder with the sounds and able to make more diff vowel noises now. i just love talking back to him...their expressions are priceless.

and now i really wish we had a jumper thing already because one of our friends whose baby is his age already puts her son into the jumperoo and puts a pillow under his feet because he likes to play with the toys. while J might like that, he would REALLY love just being upright and practicing standing on his feet, he loves doing that on our bodies but our arms get tired holding him. i didn''t get a jumper thing because i want to get a walker at some point but now i am thinking of getting a cheapie on CL or something....i looked on BRU website and their jumperoos are like $60-100! rip off.

i have to post this pic of J and P even though its not friday. Portia turned 6 yesterday and i got this pic of them the day before. so cute.

 

[so cal girl]

I have just been trying catch up, and these things have already been addressed extensively, but I just wanted to respond to two people.

Sha - Accidents happen. The fact that you get so upset by them means you are a great mom. If D was falling all the time, and you didn''t care, then I''d be worried. But you are doing your best. We are ALL doing out best! I accidentelly poked E in the face the other day, and I seriously started crying! He probably got over it faster than I did. Of course he now has abig scrath on his nose that I feel sad about every time I look at it.

China - That schedule sounds awful! I would consider looking at your other work options if at all possible. If you can find another job, great. If not, then staying home for a bit wouldn''t be so bad. I am exactly like you in that I am not good at any of the things that typical SAHM seem to be good at. No patience at all. But staying home sounds like a way better option than being completely physically and emotional drained every day.

I really wish working mothers had more options. It is rare in my field (and a lot of jobs, it seems) that anyone can work part time, and I think that is unfortunate. The only reason my job works right now is that I have a woman boss who is a mom who understands what my schedule needs to be at this point in time. Unfortunately my current program is up in November, and I am worried the next boss won''t be so understanding. But I make at least twice what my husband makes, so I''ll just have to roll with the punches and figure something out.

Now, on to my question of the day. For those moms that did CIO, how long before you saw some sort of results? We have been doing it for 2 weeks now, and it is not getting any better. E will cry for up to 2 hours at a time every night. He doesn''t seem to be hungry, because he will settle down if I go in and pick him up. But the second I put him down, he throws a fit. Screaming and crying. I am starting to reach the end of my rope. I just don''t know what to do to get him to put himself back to sleep. He falls asleep fine. And he used to STTN, but not in the last month or so. The last few nights I have just ended up bringing him in bed with us in order to get some sleep. Any advice?

 

[Mara]

so cal, could it be that when you pick him up he thinks he is getting outta there so he calms down...and freaks out when you put him back? J does that sometimes so typically if i am not prepared to remove him from the crib/room i won''t pick him up...i''ll soothe him with pat/shhh or a head rub or reswaddle or something like that. it doesn''t always work but i try not to do the pick up because i feel like it does trigger a ''yay i''m outta here'' kinda thing so he is even more upset when i put him back down (unless i rock him to sleep standing).

Q re naps for you schedule mommies. do you leave the blinds/shutters open for daytime naps or do you close them or do a ''half mast'' kinda thing? at night and in his early morning wake, we leave them closed for ''darkness'' but for his daytime naps i usually do half mast so it''s not totally dark but it''s not bright either. wondering if we should open them more so he will easily sleep in bright BUT then typically he gets a little distracted by looking around and won''t necessarily nap easily.

i''m watching the view right now and they are bitching about some woman one of them saw walking across the street with a stroller and 2 toddlers behind her and she was not holding the hands of the kids. the gal who saw them was po''d and screamed out from her car that the mom should be holding the hands of the 2 year olds, and called her an idiot. sorry, but maybe she should have held the hands of the kids but screaming names out from the car driving by? please. two wrongs.

 

[so cal girl]

Mara - Most of the time I don''t pick him up. I was told by the doctor to just sooth him verbally and then leave the room. But lately (the last few nights) he has been so upset that I have been picking him up. Either way, he won''t go back to sleep. If I just leave him in the crib, he''ll still cry for two hours.

 

[steph72276]

PG, Glad C was okay. I wouldn't worry about the weight at all. I can't believe my little guy is only in the 25th percentile...he looks like a chunker to me!

Sha, So sorry about the accident. It happens to us all at one point or another. I'm glad she's okay.

Burk, aww K is a big boy...so cute!

Mara, cute pic! Our dog Bailey loves E's boppy too! E is trying to talk too, it is too cute...he tries so hard! Oh, and I would love to get a jumperoo thing, but our ceilings are soaring high so I have no where to put one, boo!

Hi Puffy! I feel the same way...right now I feel like 2 boys is plenty, but never say never!

Ginger, I'm sorry A is still not sleeping well for you. I'm hoping he turns the corner soon so you guys can get some much needed sleep. E loves his bath too!

Fiery, Yea for S getting ready to crawl, what a big girl!

Sugarpie, that Nosefrida does sound gross, but whatever works right?

Hi, Viz, CDT, Nov, Tao, and Sunkist

CC, don't worry I don't think anyone took offense to any comments you made. I also envy the people that are so sure in their decisions. Like Mara said, the grass is always greener for me. When I worked, I wanted to be at home....now that I'm home, sometimes I long to go back work. I am getting my master's when E turns two and will return to work full time when he goes to school. I really think it's hard to find that work/home life balance. Just take your time and weigh all your options out before you make a decision. I hope you find something that works better for you...hang in there!

Pandora, I was like you guys...everyday was planned with trips to the zoo, aquarium, museums, movies, library, parks, etc. so I never got bored. Now that I have 2, it's harder to do that kind of thing, but I'm sure when E gets older we can resume some of those things. Good for you for your gemmology studies...sounds like lots of fun!

Lili, hi! Your avatar pic is so cute!

Anchor, sorry about the sleep/feeding issues. It could be that he just likes the bottle better b/c it's easier and he gets food faster that way and has to "work" at it more with nursing. I'm not sure really how to solve the problem though, just thinking out loud. Hope it gets better for you guys soon.

SoCal, sorry about the sleep issues. I don't have any advice on the CIO b/c we never used it, but I hope you start getting sleep soon!

 

[anchor31]

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to chime in so quickly. It''s good to know I''m not the only one this happened to and your LOs grew out of it. Hopefully it''s just a phase for us too. J nursed at 2:30AM, 7:30 and noon today so far, so it really looks like an evening thing. I pumped last night before going to bed, so hopefully we''ll have enough BM tonight should he refuse to nurse again. As I said, we''ll take it one feeding at a time; try to nurse, give BM if he refuses, give formula if I don''t have anymore BM. I''ve never been really good with the football hold, but I''ll give it a shot. Again, thank you so much.

On another note, MIL had invited us to a brunch for next Saturday morning, but she called last night to say it was going to be Sunday dinner instead. I told her we''d have to call her back to tell her if we''d be there or not, and she sounded really surprised that we didn''t just say yes. She''s always done this, deciding that there was a family event at a certain time and place without talking to anybody about it first and then expect us to be there no matter what. Well, I got news for ya MIL: We have a 3-month-old, and you can''t just expect us to drop by anywhere anytime for you anymore. We like going out in the morning because J feeds early and usually goes 4-hours stretches before being hungry again and naps in his carseat so Saturday morning was fine, but in the evenings he''s a ravenous monster and we really try to get him to bed at a reasonable hour, so... I really don''t want to go. Bah.

Now, let''s see if I can catch up!
Mara - Yay for a stroller! I bought one too this week, kept it simple and cheap though with the stroller that matches my Graco carseat (it was 25% off online at BRU). I''m not a runner, I just needed something light and functional for our almost-daily walks. Up until now I''ve been using this old, heavy, rickety thing that I had to put J''s carseat in (even if I wasn''t using the car) and I hated it!

Mandy - Congrats on your little guys getting baptized! I hope it went well.

PG - Yay for Claire''s sitting up progress!

Amber - It''s great that Piper doesn''t seem to have a problem with being in her own room. When he''s not having a tantrum (

), J talks himself to sleep too... Very cute. As for your question, there''s no way I could hand express any significant amount of milk, so I''ll probably pump! Hopefully at some point I''ll be able to build a stash again.

Sabine -

on Jackson crawling!

mtjoya - We have gotten the "So when the next one?" question and we always answered with "not before we have a niece/nephew", so I guess that when my brother''s LO is born next November (

) the questions will start again! Honestly though, I want J to be potty trained before I get pregnant again.

gingerB - Sorry about the plugged duct! Ow!

Sha - Sorry about the accident, I hope she feels better soon!

ChinaCat - Your working situation sounds very difficult... I hope you can find something that helps you balance your work life and family life better.

 

[vizsla]

so cal - i know your pedi told you to do CIO, but what is your *heart* telling you? you don't have to listen to the pedi if you don't feel it's right for your baby - YOU know your baby best, KWIM?

this is just my humble - my baby is not sleeping thru the night so i don't have any room to talk - and am against CIO opinion ..... BUT CIO is not for every parent, OR every baby. it 'generally' works, but i'm surprised your pedi didn't give you another option as well. to say emphatically 'this will make your baby sleep' - i think - is in error.

i would be worried that after 2 weeks of 2+ hours of crying your baby will start to associate sleeping as a time where i cry and thus be fearful of sleeping or going to sleep or his crib etc.

i would look into other night time parenting options to help him sleep. i think 2 weeks is plenty of time to see that your strong willed little one is not CIO material.

(runs away)

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

SoCal – we did CIO with DS when he was 4.5 months old. His pedi also supported this decision. He was STTN (in his own crib, in his own room) from around 6 weeks, but it became increasingly difficult to put him to sleep at around 4 months. We found ourselves rocking him in the chair for almost an hour, and then it turned into rocking him for an hour while standing up and shhh’ing loudly. Once he was finally asleep, we would ever-so-gently place him in the crib and he’d stay asleep for a half hour and then wake up screaming – starting the whole ‘put to sleep’ process all over again. Eventually, we decided to try the CIO method, and it worked after about 3 weeks of consistently doing it.

We started by letting him cry for 5 minutes, then go in and soothe him for about 1 minute. We didn’t pick him up, just sshhh’d, pat and walk out of room (didn’t stick around for more than 30 seconds to 1 minute). Then we waited 10 minutes, went in his room and did the same thing. Those intervals of hearing him cry were beyond excruciating for DH and me. Obviously, my natural instinct is to run in and pick him up, but I felt that would defeat the purpose of him learning to soothe himself to sleep. We did this whole thing for 3 weeks (increasing the intervals as time went on), and he eventually caught on. He’s now able to put himself to sleep. He usually ‘talks’ himself to sleep.

Good luck. I know CIO doesn’t work (and isn't) for everyone, but most people I know who have done it (and were consistent with it) have been happy with the results.

 

[so cal girl]

Date: 4/14/2010 2:03:23 PM
Author: vizsla
so cal - i know your pedi told you to do CIO, but what is your *heart* telling you? you don''t have to listen to the pedi if you don''t feel it''s right for your baby - YOU know your baby best, KWIM?

this is just my humble - my baby is not sleeping thru the night so i don''t have any room to talk - and am against CIO opinion ..... BUT CIO is not for every parent, OR every baby. it ''generally'' works, but i''m surprised your pedi didn''t give you another option as well. to say emphatically ''this will make your baby sleep'' - i think - is in error.

i would be worried that after 2 weeks of 2+ hours of crying your baby will start to associate sleeping as a time where i cry and thus be fearful of sleeping or going to sleep or his crib etc.

i would look into other night time parenting options to help him sleep. i think 2 weeks is plenty of time to see that your strong willed little one is not CIO material.

(runs away)

Wel, my heart is telling me that I would just love to finally get some sleep! I know you have had a way rougher time than I have, and I have no clue how you do it. I was so happy when E started STTN, it just made it more devastating when he reversed and started waking up multiple time a night again three weeks later.

I am not opposed to CIO. I just don''t think that E is really on board with it. But I really don''t see what my other options are. Keep feeding him at night? I''ve seen how that works from friends whose 1 year old is still reliant on a bottle in the middle of the night. I''ve tried the pick up-put down method, and that doesn''t seem to work for him either. He settles down when you pick up him, and screems when you put him down again. I seriously just don''t know what other options I have

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/13/2010 6:14:50 PM
Author: ChinaCat


I like my job because I like who I work with and I make great money. But it is not a passion or something I see myself doing long-term. It is not more important to me than O. I never wanted to be a SAHM. But I do feel like I am missing O's babyhood and even if being a SAHM is not necessarily what I am best suited for, it may be something I should consider. For O, for my sanity, etc.

Here is the key. I too do not want to be a SAHM. But you need a good happy life.... life is too short! I would start looking for a different job that will allow you to find the balance you need.

ETA I too am not a SAHM at heart. I actually plan to keep Hunter in daycare when we have number two so I do not get overwhelmed. But I do lives somwehere where we get 12 months of maternity leave... so I was a SAHM for 12 months. NO DOUBT life gets easier when you child is over 1 year. It is much less stressful when they are sleeping through the night and things are more orvagnized.

Does you DH contribute enough? Can he carry more laod?

 

[ChinaCat]

Viz- The one thing that I don''t feel guilty about is O and the nanny. HE is perfectly happy with our nanny and she''s awesome with him. I don''t think it''s harming him to have the nanny during the day, I am pretty clear that my issue is with ME missing out and being so tired and grumpy when I am home that I am not enjoying him as much as I''d like. In fact, I would really hate to take the nanny away from him, he loves her and she is very good with keeping him scheduled and such.

November- Interesting, that is probably exactly the type of company I could go in-house with. I am in my 5th year. I think the problem may be that few real estate companies are doing well these days and probably not hiring. But I am definitely going to check into it. As far as PT/Flex time- we do have an "alternative" schedule option but I''m not sure I qualify (says you have to have been here 3 years, which I haven''t). And it seems that people have taken advantage of it in the past, but not sure how it''s looked upon. I know law firms are really struggling with how to retain women, but the way firms are run I just don''t see how it really works.

Mara- That picture!

I think this is the first picture of J that I can kind of see what HE looks like, instead of him just looking like a cute newborn. Also, Ebree recommended this jumper and both O and Henry love it. We do have a jumperoo, but we take this with us everywhere. Ok, can''t get the link to work, but it''s called the Graco Bumper Jumper and it''s like $35 on Amazon. It just hooks in the doorway.

So Cal- Not sure. I do think CIO works, but not sure that I could do it for 2 weeks. How old is E? O does this occasionally when he''s teething, but not consistently.

Fl Steph-

Anchor- I think you are on the right track, nurse him when you can, give him BM if you have it, but if not, give him formula. Try not to let it stress you out. It''s pretty normal. Sorry about the IL''s. I wouldn''t take him if it messes up his bedtime. People just either don''t understand or don''t remember what it''s like with a newborn.

Dreamer- The problem is definitely the amount of time/work rather than working itself. I am/was willing to do it when it was manageable but this is too much. And I don''t love it. I do think that another job/less hours or reduced hours is the answer, but part of me wonders if I shouldn''t give the SAHM thing a go just while O is little. DH makes more money than I do and (If things go well) his salary will continue to increase. The problem is that I make pretty good money and we definitely live on both of our salaries. It is entirely doable on his, but we''d have to seriously change the way we live. And in this economy, I feel like it would be stupid of me to give up such a good salary. Plus not sure how DH feels. He is not the type that expects or wants his wife to stay home and take care of the kids. I don''t want to cause undue pressure on him. And he actually is really hands on with O and is always willing to help if I need to go into work early or stay late. The problem is I mind having to go in early or stay late when it means I don''t see O.

 

[vizsla]

Date: 4/14/2010 2:40:19 PM
Author: so cal girl

Date: 4/14/2010 2:03:23 PM

Author: vizsla

so cal - i know your pedi told you to do CIO, but what is your *heart* telling you? you don't have to listen to the pedi if you don't feel it's right for your baby - YOU know your baby best, KWIM?


this is just my humble - my baby is not sleeping thru the night so i don't have any room to talk - and am against CIO opinion ..... BUT CIO is not for every parent, OR every baby. it 'generally' works, but i'm surprised your pedi didn't give you another option as well. to say emphatically 'this will make your baby sleep' - i think - is in error.


i would be worried that after 2 weeks of 2+ hours of crying your baby will start to associate sleeping as a time where i cry and thus be fearful of sleeping or going to sleep or his crib etc.


i would look into other night time parenting options to help him sleep. i think 2 weeks is plenty of time to see that your strong willed little one is not CIO material.


(runs away)

Wel, my heart is telling me that I would just love to finally get some sleep! I know you have had a way rougher time than I have, and I have no clue how you do it. I was so happy when E started STTN, it just made it more devastating when he reversed and started waking up multiple time a night again three weeks later.


I am not opposed to CIO. I just don't think that E is really on board with it. But I really don't see what my other options are. Keep feeding him at night? I've seen how that works from friends whose 1 year old is still reliant on a bottle in the middle of the night. I've tried the pick up-put down method, and that doesn't seem to work for him either. He settles down when you pick up him, and screems when you put him down again. I seriously just don't know what other options I have

i totally get it.. sleep = sanity / so take what i said as an insane person giving their non medical opinion...

i know this stance is in the minority here, but i didn't have a baby thinking they should fit into my life. rather, i think that it is my responsibility to adjust my life to fit my baby's needs and schedule. a mental shift can do a world of good

when he is waking up, and you feed him does he goes right back to sleep? how long is the process taking? 10 mins, 20mins ?? not really a whole lot in the grand scheme of things, especially when you say that E isn't really on board with the whole CIO thing. who knows, in another month he just may drop that feeding on his own. or you could try filling his tank before bed, picking him up and soothing him in lieu of feeding? trying a pacifier? have you and DH switch nights for the one night feeding? could it be he's teething? maybe some motrin before bed will keep him from waking up if his mouth is hurting. he could have an ear infection? i know these made c a BEAR.....

just trying to explore some options for you if you are having a rough time with CIO

china - you could always be the next john grisham

 

[gailrmv]

Hope it's OK if I chime in, ChinaCat, even though Aaron is 1 year now so I'm not really "supposed" to be on this thread. I'm always really interested in work/life issues. I was even long before I became a mom, and actually read a lot of the family economics academic literature out of interest.

I struggle with the decision to be a SAHM still. I was your classic overachiever type during my school days, went to great schools and did well, etc. However, I got married pretty young, and DH's career has (for better or for worse) driven a lot of my decisions about mine. His career is now (finally) paying well, but he has very long hours and his work is not flexible AT ALL. For a long time we struggled with the decision of whether/when to become parents and I personally struggled with what to do with my career. I just could not reconcile being the kind of parent (and wife and PERSON) I wanted to be and having the kind of career I wanted to have, especially given DH's inflexibility. I had trouble finding mentors that have the work/life balance that I wanted. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I might have been able to figure out a better way, but as it was, I didn't "invest" as much in my career as I had always expected that I would, in part because I was so busy supporting DH in his career. I also never found work that I was as passionate about as I had hoped. I gave up a medium salary to become a SAHM. I loved my field and employer but was very bored at my particular job. When all was considered (taxes, daycare, commuting, etc) I would have come out ahead but by an amount we were OK with giving up. We chose to live in a low cost of living city and in a modest home so that we could get by easily on DH's income.

Right now I am a SAHM. On a day to day basis I am really happy. I do a lot like Pandora does. My son and I have a lot of things we enjoy doing together during the days, and other moms to meet up with. I have a couple hobbies that I can pursue an evening or two a week. Life is not perfect, but it's pretty darn good.

I think a lot about the long term though. What will I do when A (and future kids) go to school? Will the knowledge I acquired in my masters program and on the job be completely out of date? I will likely have to start over, which pretty much sucks.

I totally caught the tongue in cheek nature of your comment about SAHMs and appreciated the compliment you paid SAHMs too. I am right there with you. I always planned to be a career woman and don't see myself in the Junior League crowd. I struggle daily with my identity - am I just a mom? etc. What about all that time spent in education and at work. Was it for nothing? Does my brain still function? What kind of example am I setting for my kids, especially if I have a daughter next? I really wanted to be the person to have it all, but I just don't think I can - at least not all at once.


I've had no problem meeting TONS of other moms to hang out with, but I have not yet met a lot of moms who are *like me* and who I would have chosen as friends aside from the fact that we have babies the same age. I keep hoping that will develop in time, though.

I don't have any answers, just wanted to share my thought process with you. From reading your posts, my thought is that it would be great for you to find meaningful work in your field with less hours and less salary. You have invested a lot in your career to get to this point, and are now reaping the rewards financially. It would be sad to give that all up!

I wish workplaces, like yours and like my DH's, were more flexible for men AND women to have that work/family balance. I wish there were something I could DO to try and change things. It is really frustrating!

Just my ramblings for what it's worth.

ETA Anchor31 Sounds like a nursing strike which should just be a phase that he will grow out of.... painful as it seems right now!

SoCal We tried CIO at 9 months old, and after a few painful nights it worked... only to have him regress. Tried it again. Regressed again. I just could not do it a third cycle so we kind of let it ride for a few months. NOw at a year he is sleeping so much better and it is due to FOOD. I've got him eating 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and I'm seeing a huge decrease in nightly wakeups to nurse.