She is in my wedding/I'm not in hers

[mogster]

Just curious, since the original post was from almost a year ago and it sounds like the wedding has since transpired (July 23?), AN - was this issue ever addressed with your friend?

 

[Autumnovember]

Just curious, since the original post was from almost a year ago and it sounds like the wedding has since transpired (July 23?), AN - was this issue ever addressed with your friend?

wow. I'm surprised that I never updated! Must have just forgotten.

Yep, it was addressed. A few days later she called me to talk about it. Since I had a few days to think it through, I was much more calm and clear headed.

She had started to explain to me why she chose the people that she did and I stopped her and told her that she absolutely did not have to defend the reason why she picked any of the individuals that she did. I told her that she didn't owe that kind of explanation to anyone including myself. I let her know that I respected her as my good friend and I respected her decisions. I told her that I was happy as long as she was happy. She really appreciated it all and I told her that even though at first I felt as though she didn't feel the same way about our friendship as I did, after a few days I knew that wasn't the case.

In retrospect, I'm actually really happy that I was not in the bridal party. I entered into a very intense program that took up all of my time and there really would have been no time or effort that I could have put into being in her shower. Besides that, I have my own wedding to pay for, very expensive books to pay for, etc.

So all in all, it worked out very well.

She had a beautiful wedding and we all had a very good time and enjoyed ourselves every single minute.

I'm still so happy that she is in my wedding and I do not regret my choice to have her in it even though I was not in hers.

We are still very good friends and it has not changed our friendship AT ALL.

 

[Amys Bling]

Good to hear

 

[blacksand]

Just curious, since the original post was from almost a year ago and it sounds like the wedding has since transpired (July 23?), AN - was this issue ever addressed with your friend?

Oh, oops. Shows what I know.

 

[jstarfireb]

Well, since we've revived the thread, I'll chime in. I'm having a similar experience with one of my friends, who was my bridesmaid, but who isn't including me in her wedding except as a guest. I think she would have been heartbroken not to be my bridesmaid. Like friendship-killing heartbroken. So fast forward to now, with her wedding coming up in about 6 months, and I'm not in the bridal party. I'm disappointed but not heartbroken. My only explanation is that we've grown apart with time and distance, but it's not like we had a falling-out. We were really close when we were both living in the same city, but both of us moved elsewhere, and although we've kept in touch, we naturally aren't as close now. But I just wish she would have acknowledged our friendship by including me in some way, maybe as a reader for the ceremony or something.

With another friend who's getting married this year, I was originally asked to be a bridesmaid, but she downsized the bridal party to just a maid of honor because she's having a super-small wedding. That doesn't bother me because she cut everyone except one person, not just me. And she asked me to be her officiant, which I think is way cooler than a bridesmaid anyway. (ETA: And the fact that she asked me originally shows that she was thinking of me and considered me a good enough friend to have in the bridal party, unlike my first friend.)

 

[iheartbora]

I'm kind of glad this thread is revived. I'm on the other side of the fence... I was a bridesmaid for a good friend last year, but I didn't ask her to be in my bridal party because I wanted to keep it small and the two people that I picked are my best friends from grade school. It never crossed my mind that I have to "explain" to my friend why I didn't ask her back, not because I don't care about her feelings but I just did not realize it could be such a big issue. After reading this thread, I'm thinking maybe it is a good idea for me to bring it up? Although I must say, I don't feel she is hurt by it, we still talk to each other all the time and I sometimes would vent about wedding planning to her...

So is it safer to bring it up? Clear the air to ensure there are no hard feelings? I really do think she is a great friend of mine (of 5 years), and I don't want her to be upset/offended/hurt etc.

 

[jstarfireb]

I'm kind of glad this thread is revived. I'm on the other side of the fence... I was a bridesmaid for a good friend last year, but I didn't ask her to be in my bridal party because I wanted to keep it small and the two people that I picked are my best friends from grade school. It never crossed my mind that I have to "explain" to my friend why I didn't ask her back, not because I don't care about her feelings but I just did not realize it could be such a big issue. After reading this thread, I'm thinking maybe it is a good idea for me to bring it up? Although I must say, I don't feel she is hurt by it, we still talk to each other all the time and I sometimes would vent about wedding planning to her...

So is it safer to bring it up? Clear the air to ensure there are no hard feelings? I really do think she is a great friend of mine (of 5 years), and I don't want her to be upset/offended/hurt etc.

I'm not sure you have to bring up the bridesmaid thing, but if you could find some way to include her in your wedding (have her do a reading maybe?), that would be a nice way to keep her involved.

 

[snoopkat]

This is an interesting thread, I'm going through something similar but from the other side of the fence. When Mr snoopkat and I first got engaged, I knew straightaway that I wanted my 3 childhood best friends to be my MOH and BMs. Later on I added Mr snoopkat's niece as the 4th BM because I knew it would make her happy (she asked me the first time we met whether Mr snoopkat and I were planning on getting married and if she could be in the bridal party. She was 9 at the time and we had only been dating for a couple of months! ) I have another friend that I went to uni with and we have remained good friends ever since. She's not in my bridal party, purely because her personality is very different to my BMs and I don't think she will enjoy being in the bridal party and doing all the wedding stuff. She is more of a party girl and weddings aren't really her thing. It's occured to me that she might secretly be upset that I didn't ask her but I don't see the point in asking someone who's probably not going to pull her weight in helping with the wedding preps (she's not the most organised person) and I don't want our friendship to sour as a result of any resentment on my part.

My point is people view friendships differently and it's not necessarily a slight on your friendship if you aren't chosen to be in the bridal party. The best thing about not being in a bridal party is that you get to enjoy the wedding without having to do any of the legwork

 

[sillyberry]

This is an interesting thread, I'm going through something similar but from the other side of the fence. When Mr snoopkat and I first got engaged, I knew straightaway that I wanted my 3 childhood best friends to be my MOH and BMs. Later on I added Mr snoopkat's niece as the 4th BM because I knew it would make her happy (she asked me the first time we met whether Mr snoopkat and I were planning on getting married and if she could be in the bridal party. She was 9 at the time and we had only been dating for a couple of months! ) I have another friend that I went to uni with and we have remained good friends ever since. She's not in my bridal party, purely because her personality is very different to my BMs and I don't think she will enjoy being in the bridal party and doing all the wedding stuff. She is more of a party girl and weddings aren't really her thing. It's occured to me that she might secretly be upset that I didn't ask her but I don't see the point in asking someone who's probably not going to pull her weight in helping with the wedding preps (she's not the most organised person) and I don't want our friendship to sour as a result of any resentment on my part.

My point is people view friendships differently and it's not necessarily a slight on your friendship if you aren't chosen to be in the bridal party. The best thing about not being in a bridal party is that you get to enjoy the wedding without having to do any of the legwork

I have to ask - how much work, exactly, do you expect your bridal party is going to be doing?

I chose my bridesmaids based on the people I wanted standing next to me as I got married, not who I thought would be most useful to me as a bride. No one had to "pull their weight" because I never gave them anything to pull.

 

[Gypsy]

Some people can be really weird about their bridal parties. Have you thought that maybe she thinks that since the two of you are planning weddings at the same time she doesn't want to have another bride as an attendant, because well... you'll be busy and your finances will be challenging as you will be planning your own event and maybe she wants her attendants to be available to her.

I don't know. I only had one attendant, my oldest and best friend. And I didn't expect anything except for her to show up in a black dress and stand up with me-- no shower, no bachelorette party and no gift. But that's not how some people view it, they view their attendants as free labor.

I just found out that a mutual friend (who was at my wedding but not as an attendant) is going to ask me to be in hers. And I'm uncomfortable because I'd much rather be a guest. Being an attendant for this bridezilla in waiting is going to be WORK and I don't want to do it. Maybe she was being thoughtful and not wanting to over burden you. Just a thought.

 

[snoopkat]

sillyberry - I'm asking my bridal party to help with organisation on the day of the wedding. Things like timekeeping, looking after the wishing well, directing guests to the guestbook if need be. They're all living overseas so I'm not asking them to organise pre wedding stuff like the hens party. I don't think that's being unreasonable?

 

[rosetta]

Hey, old thread revived!

I ended up having my sister in law as my sole bridesmaid, she also did one of the readings. It worked out great, and I'm soooooo glad that I didn't have a big bridal party.