Stopped wearing the rings- Online Dating?

[Vera W]

Hi Vera!

Online dating...well, it's like many things: can be wonderful, can be terrible.

A really positive thing is that you get to meet people from walks of life that you would NEVER have met otherwise.

One good tip is to say EXACTLY what you want in your bio, and what you don't want. This will match you with suitable dates much quicker, and save you a lot of time. For example, if you don't want to date men with minor children, state that upfront. If you want someone who's teetotal, make it very clear. Being transparent about what you're looking for in a partner and what level of relationship will save you a LOT of time, not least in getting too attached to someone with whom you're fundamentally incompatible. Never want to get married again? Say it upfront. Ultimately looking for a life partner? Again, make it very clear.

I have heard that e-harmony is the site to go to for people who are serious about dating - ie not just looking for hook-ups or casual stuff. And I think you're bound to get a better pool of suitors with a service you have to pay for.

If someone is never available on a Saturday night and never invites you to their house, that's a huge red flag that the person is already in a relationship.

Lastly, don't let the men on the sites make out that you owe them messages when you've never exchanged a word, or get annoyed if you bow out of a chat after a few messages. They will take up all of your time if you let them. In the initial stages of messaging, you owe them no explanation. If something about them turns you off, just delete and ignore further messages. When I was doing this, if someone messaged me and I wasn't attracted to their photo, I simply didn't reply. It's not rude; 1) you've never exchanged a word, 2) if you reply to everyone you're not interested in you'll be there all day, and many men take any response as encouragement.

Many men asked to see my photos without exchanging a word, and I just deleted all those messages. I thought it was hugely rude to ask to see my photos without messaging me, and showed no regard for the safety issues women face when online dating. I wouldn't show my photos until we'd established a rapport.

Basically, I deleted every message unless I was really interested in the guy initially, and then stopped communicating after one or two messages if the initial contact turned me off. You have to be ruthless or this pursuit will eat your time up like a hungry monster!

If you meet up with someone and don't want to take it further, a nice follow-up message after a date or two is to simply say that you don't feel a spark. And you owe them no further explanation.

What I'm saying is, a lot of men will try to press you, in terms of frequent messaging or wanting explanations if you don't want to pursue them. Guard your time and don't let them press you.

It goes without saying that the first few days should be in public and that you shouldn't give out your details. The messaging service Telegram is good for hiding your phone number.

About meeting pyschos, that can happen anywhere, and the best defense is to take things slowly.

Good luck! Online dating can be a lot of fun!

Thank you @Jambalaya A lot of great advice and to tell you the truth, I am so glad you said I had to be "ruthless" as knowing that is not really a vane of my personality, I have learned to be and am just hitting the delete button on those I don't really want to consider for one reason or another. IE someone who is in their 20-30's. EEEWWW creeps me out. Definitely not meeting on my own whenever I do want to meet someone. My co-workers and family have promised to stalk me for my protection, and both my sons open carry and have tracking on my phone. LOL Oy Vey!!

 

[Vera W]

I have no experience online dating but I just want to wish you the best @Vera W and also echo what @Jambalaya wrote. There are psychos everywhere and you are increasing your playing field if you go to online dating. And that means increasing the potential to meet a quality person. Just be careful and do have fun with it. You deserve a worthy companion to go through life with if that is what your heart desires. And I too am very sorry for your loss. Gentle ((((Hugs))) and all the best.

Thank you so much @missy I truly cherish your well wishes and endearing advice. Great big Texas hug back at you.

 

[Vera W]

Wishing you every happiness Vera.

Thank you so much @Calliecake I gladly accept your wishes.

 

[Vera W]

Good luck Vera! You deserve the very best!

Thank you so much beautiful @Gussie Are you sure your hubby doesn't have a brother here in Texas that adores big girls? LOL. Big hugs from the sweaty side of Katy.

 

[Vera W]

If you are using a site with private messaging facility to communicate with the gents, DO NOT let them persuade you to stop using this facility because it is easier to communicate using the likes of WhatsApp or FB Messenger, etc. etc...

As soon as you leave the site, they can block you and you will not be able to find their profile in order to complain to the site should anything goes wrong.

My survival mechanism was that, as soon as a prospective gent asked me for money for whatever purpose, I clamed shut and walked away.

I had been scammed before, twice, not much, however, it hurt me deeply as my trust was mis-guided, and was wearing black-out glasses and not just rose-tinted ones!

Be careful with false claims about how well off/educated he might be. If they are truly that well off then they should not have a cash flow issue. If they do, then sorry, that's just bad planning on their part!

Ask to contact them late at night to test if they are genuinely single.

Be wary of cut and paste responses when you are chatting with a gent - it could be a sign that he has some scripts ready to hand.

As for photos, if they are intimate in nature, DO NOT show any identifiable marks/face that could link them to you for fear of being blackmailed.

Be wary of the possibility of a video call being recorded!

There are some really nasty people out there who would taken advantage of someone's insecurity and kindness.

Don't feel guilty not being able to help them with money. Don't let them make you feel bad about not being able to meet their requests.

Do not disclose any financial information about yourself. I made the mistake of mentioning I was a professional, independent and living comfortably. BAD MISTAKE!

Walk away if you are uncomfortable.

If you decide to meet, meet for a drink first, in a public place that is familiar to you.

Go Dutch and pay your own way so that you do not feel you owe your date anything.

I don't mean to be an alarmist, however, I have had some bad experience with internet dating.

Nowadays I am happy on my own, going out and about doing my own things as and when the mood takes me.

Good luck!

DK

Dearest @dk168 I am so sorry for the situations you endured. Yes, I did get pulled into what I thought would be a nice start to an endearing friendship with more to grow into. Thankfully, I found out quick enough it wasn't for real.
I am so earnestly appreciative of your sage advice and will heed it going forward.

Honestly, I had been telling myself I really didn't want to get married or have another relationship after my husband's passing but now realizing that I still have a spark to share, then I am willing to see how things go and if it isn't in the cards, then so be it. For one more time in my life, I am a bit more adventurous than usual.
Thank you SO, SO much for sharing with me.

 

[Vera W]

Sorry I have no experience with online dating.
I just wanted to wish you all the best at finding that special person.
You deserve it!

Do be careful.
Don't trust anyone who wants you to bring them a bag of free big diamonds.

ZOMGoodness @kenny I just love you 2 pieces. Thank you for your kind words and fair warning about the shiny rocks. LOL You crack me up!!

 

[Vera W]

@Vera W - don’t stop looking until you find someone just as wonderful as you are! Just take your time to really get to know someone you might be interested in - hopefully meet both his friends and family. I wish you all the best in your quest!!

You are so kind @MissGotRocks Thank you so much. I do truly cherish your wishes and encouragement. I will for sure seek him out most carefully.

 

[Vera W]

never accept just one or two photos. Try to get photos showing something current and recognizable so you know it is an actual new photo of the person. Many photos you are given are years old and the people don't even begin to look like that now. Even worse, it's not their actual photo as they can copy them from anywhere.
Please be very careful. Online dating has worked very well for some people I know. Not for others. Unfortunately, you need to be suspicious. meet for coffee/ daytime somewhere once or twice and if you can have a friend sitting across the room during that time, you may feel more secure. And unlike what @MissGotRocks says, if you tire of it, or find it too much work, there's nothing wrong with giving up. Everyone doesn't have to have a partner. Many people are quite happy being single. Some even prefer it.

Very sage advice @Lookinagain Thank you SO much. I have started asking for several different images, like from childhood and various ages, one guy even sent me a picture of him holding his State ID. LOL That was sweet of him but I am not moving to California, so I had to friend zone him. For sure, if I just get too creeped out, I will probably call it quits for a bit, if not totally.

 

[Vera W]

Vera, any gentleman would be luck to make your acquaintance!

That being said, online dating is not for the faint of heart. My own experience involved a midget, a guy with one eye, someone who "forgot" that his 13 year old daughter lived with him since her mother had just passed away, a guy who showed with with a pug in a baby stroller, and someone who scared me so badly that I slept with a butcher nice beside the bed for six months.

But I also went out for a year with a perfectly lovely intellectual property attorney (rousing discussions about patents and copyright!), six and a half years with the CB, and I'm moving into year five with TR. So there are some decent ones out there and you can find them through the magic of the internet.

Just take everything with a grain of salt and definitely report back!

Oh lovely @Dee*Jay Thank you so very much. I am grateful for your shared experiences and encouragement. I am sorry about the scary one that caused you fear for an extended amount of time.
I will for sure let y'all know how it is going.
PS. I keep a taser in my nightstand drawer on the regular, as we just never know who might be trying to creep in and I can get to it quicker than the .22 in the closet. Big hugs form Texas Pretty Lady!!

 

[Vera W]

I don’t have any personal experience with online dating. However, a church friend of mine went on a Christian-oriented dating site after his wife of many years passed away, and eventually married someone he met there from the other side of the country… so it can work. As an aside - both are quite liberal in both worldview and theology, so I suspect that no matter what site you use, it’s a question of being up-front about who you are and who you are looking for.

Best of luck to you!

Thank you Beautiful @VRBeauty That is great encouragement and for sure I am making it known up front of my strong faith and beliefs. I did sign up on Christian Mingle and so far, some of those fellows don't really understand what it means to be a Christian for the way they approached me. "Delete, delete, block, delete". There have been a couple of interests, but they don't live in Texas and have no plans to relocate so I had to pass them by.

 

[Vera W]

Having seen several programmes about women getting scammed, I echo all of @dk168 advice. One of the things mentioned in the programme was doing a reverse image search, so if you’re getting photos from people, you can always check where they’ve actually come from. One lady thought she was in a relationship with a hot, young model, and when she reverse image searched him, turned out to be a stock photo of a hot, young model!!!

I’m too much of a cynic that I wouldn’t believe anyone giving me a sob story and asking for money, it would be an instant turn off for me.

Agreed @Austina One of my co-workers told me real quick about that reverse google image search. Very good to know!

 

[Vera W]

Yes, he was quite a nice butcher! Very *sharp* and with a large and sturdy... uh... *handle*. German fella; name was Wusthof. (His middle and last name were apparently Autocorrect and Fail. Knife... nice... next thing you know my phone will have me saying things about my niece!)

Lyonsis, I get ya. But for some reason I'm not bothered by the idea that relationships end. MORE bothersome to me is the idea of being with one person for.ev.er.

But back to Vera. Can we help you write a profile?!

Oh @Dee*Jay You have such a great spirit and are a Warrior Gal I want on my side. I may take you up on that assistance if I find the current one needs some tweaking.

 

[Vera W]

good luck (and be careful)
maybe just like in real life build a solid genuine friendship first ?

Thank you @Daisys and Diamonds for sure going to build on the friendship first.

 

[Vera W]

Wishing you all the best Vera!!!!

Thank you @Karl_K I truly appreciate your well wishes.

 

[Vera W]

The first Tinder gent was VERY persuasive, using the age old excuse about cashflow issue to try and get me to pay for his flights so that he could come and pay me a visit.

When I said no, he threw a wobbly, citing I was being a fake with no intention of meeting people, and out to play games with people's feelings, and not trust-worthy etc. etc...

Initially I felt very bad about it, he made me feel bad about not heling him!

However, at the time, I really did not have many spare pennies to spare. Apart from apologising, there was not a lot to do.

He kept chatting to me, and slowly and surely, he was bringing the conversation back to the old track about his cashflow issue and how much he wanted to come and pay me a visit.

I could see what he was doing and played along with it, and when he asked me to help him with his flights again, I said no, and blocked him.

The second one also had cashflow issue, showed me a cheque written out to him in millions of USD that for some reasons he could not cash.

He asked for a few thousands of USD to help him out with a business traction and I said no and blocked him.

With the third one, I forewarned him right from the start that if he wanted money from me then I shall block him without any hesitation. We chatted a bit more, then he revealed that he was going to ask me to help him financially, so that was the end of it.

The lesson I learnt is never to review my financial situation to anyone I do not know well. DO NOT include financial details in your online dating profile as I had already mentioned. Nothing about having your own home, being solvent, etc. etc...

Not an issue for me anymore as I cannot be bothered with throwing nets into a vast ocean trying to find a nice fish. Too busy working and socialising on my own to have time to spare for that.

I shan't say never never, however, the chances of someone ticking some of the many boxes for me is very low, let alone all the boxes!

The last gentleman friend I had was someone I already knew socially. It lasted about 9 months. I was resenting having spent nearly all my free time at weekends when I was home after working some distance away, in order to be with him, doing the things he liked to do, so that I could spend time with him.

A lot of the time, I was with him to please him at events that I did not particularly enjoy.

He hardly ever reciprocated except for one event that I was involved with (a performance of the choir I sang with).

In the end, enough was enough, and we had a big argument over an incident involving a mutual acquaintance. We were adult enough to realise it was not working, so we parted company amicably.

We are still friends, and remain friends with our joint social circle of drinking pals and friends.

I consider that episode as a lucky escape, as had we continued for longer, the resentment would only grow resulting in a big and nasty bang! Put it mildly, one of us could get very hurt, and that would not be me, and joint friends in our social circle said the same thing - they had bets that I would be the one to come out alive!

That was 3 years ago, and I am happily single doing my own things as and when it pleases me.

As I had said before, good luck to the OP, and be careful, very careful.

I hate to use this phrase, however, don't be a doormat to anyone!

DK

Thanks again @dk168 I am glad you are safe and soundly enjoying your life without those dreadful creeps. I am a people pleaser and it is important for me to not let that part of my personality get involved with the dating phases, just for the reasons you stated. I am so grateful for your input. And still hopeful that one day that perfect mate will find you, should you so wish.

 

[Vera W]

Okay, @Dee*Jay, the above paragraph is totally a Tom Waits song in real life! LOL!

Best wishes to you, @Vera W! I have several female friends who joined online dating sites and had not great "luck", in that there were a lot of guys who misrepresented themselves. I suppose it happens with both men and women?

I also know several people who met their significant others/spouses online, and have been happily married for years.

Thank you @SparklieBug LOL. The only Tom Waits song I know is "I hope that I don't fall in love with you" and that is only because of Hootie and The Blowfish singing it way back when, but I have been hearing that song in the back of my head AS I am considering certain suiters!! It cracks me up that you mentioned Tom Waits. I am certain @Dee*Jay share would be good writing material for him.
Thanks so much for that and your friends shared experiences, good and bad.

 

[Vera W]

Widowed as well, here to say there is life out there. The free sites are frightening but I've heard eHarmony is very good and worth the money.
Friendship, I liked Mr. Car Parts before I was attracted to him. I was actually warned by a friend that he's "an average Joe." But attraction came on and ten years later I can't get over how handsome he is.
Character and humor are qualities that endure. You sound like a very smart woman - all the best to you!

Thank you @Ibrakeforpossums My condolences on your loss. I had a dear friend warn me about my husband, that "he was only asking me out because we were both fat", Well that worked for me. Us two fatties enjoyed nearly 30 years together and brought two wonderful Texan sons into the world. All the while she jumped from one affair with a married guy to another. Sometimes people don't think before they speak. Thank you for your kindness.

 

[Vera W]

I'm shocked about the horror stories....I never experienced anything like that. But in the two years I was online dating, I only met up with four people.

A great website called Truthfinder helped me avoid the horror shows. It tells you everything about the person, including their basic financial status (i.e. any bankruptcies), whether they own their home, and - most importantly - whether they have a criminal record. Oh- and 90% of men you meet online are lying about their age. I wouldn't date without membership to a site like that. It tells you EVERYTHING about the person in terms of the basics, and it also has a feature where you can hide your own info. from popping up in anyone else's searches. Truthfinder is how I found out about all the age lies. Three years is no biggie, but two people had knocked off TEN YEARS! Not cool!

I will for sure check that out @Jambalaya I do have a membership to BeenVerified (no relation to my Vera-ifed tasks at Whiteflash, LOL) and it gives a lot of good lowdown on any possible suiters, should I get into getting into deeper conversations.

 

[oceanblue]

Hi Vera, I met my husband through a dating service, Its Just Lunch, twenty years ago. I just checked it out and they are still in business and there is one in Houston. Just an idea.

Depending on how many people (men) they are working with it could be a lot of fun. After your date you call up the service and give your critique and they listen to your feedback, it was kind of like therapy. Everyone I went out with was a professional who lived in or near my city.

 

[Elizabeth35]

It's not all horror stories Vera!
I recommend eHarmony for a couple reasons.
First---the fact that you pay for it will eliminate some creeps and married men. Secondly, personality profiling is effective and if nothing else, you will learn something about yourself! Plus it takes a couple hours and again, eliminates some scammers.

I went out with 6 extremely nice, normal, educated, employed men from eHarmony. I had no issues with scammers. All were dedicated fathers (I was in my 50's) with good values.
I married number 6!

 

[Ibrakeforpossums]

Hi Vera, I met my husband through a dating service, Its Just Lunch, twenty years ago. I just checked it out and they are still in business and there is one in Houston. Just an idea.

Depending on how many people (men) they are working with it could be a lot of fun. After your date you call up the service and give your critique and they listen to your feedback, it was kind of like therapy. Everyone I went out with was a professional who lived in or near my city.

I've heard It's Just Lunch is very good in Woodbury, MN, so they have a footprint across the country.

 

[Mrs_Strizzle]

I attempted online dating after divorcing my 1st husband of 16 years. I had been with him since I was 18 so I had very little dating experience. It was an adventure and I was clueless as to what I was getting myself into. Lots of creeps, wanting to say discusting things to me on the phone that I had to block. I then had a man accuse me of posting fake pics to my profile. I guess he had been scammed too. I then met a "nice" guy that I really hit it off with. We dated for 9 months. I later found out he lied about his age and about how many times he had been married AFTER he asked me to marry him. I was told by his ex wife,, not him! I refused to be the 5th wife of a liar and someone who never intended on letting me know the truth about him. What else had he lied about??

I fortunately never had the issue of men hitting me up for money like dk did, but at the time I had teenagers at home and there was no chance I would have given out any $.

 

[HollyJane]

I'm widowed almost 3 years now. My late husband was a great husband and partner to me. Losing him was devastating.

But, being such a young widow, I had hopes that I may be able to have another great partner one day. I started dating again a year ago. That was my first foray into online dating.

I have had some bad experiences but nothing terrible. Most of the experience with it has been just ok.

Advice I would give would be to not taking it to heart too much until there's a person that deserves it, and it takes time with a person to know that. Don't let online dating be a time waster, because it can be. You don't have to make yourself constantly available to it. I like to meet a person in early on. I find that contact I can find out a whole lot more about a person and quickly. You get good at reading people and determining what is best for you. But, the key to that also is knowing yourself and what you want and being forthright about it.

 

[emmy12]

Younger person chiming in: having grown up in the online dating and texting generation I would say first and foremost to trust your gut instincts. If anything seems fishy, get out. Chat with lots of people and don't feel guilty about it. Remember that they're doing the same thing. It's all a numbers game, so the more you chat to people the more chance you have of finding a genuine connection. I would talk with maybe 10 people then decide to meet 4 or 5 in person within a week or two for a short first meet up in a public place (Coffee! Drinks). Don't feel guilty about this. You know within 10-15 minutes (often times less!) if they were worth a second date. Usually by that point only 1 of the meet ups, if any, would be mutually interested in continuing on for another date.

Rules for meeting: Always transport yourself to and from the dates, never get them to pick you up or drop you off for safety and privacy reasons, and I would always tell a friend where I was going, when and with whom.

The apps are a "game". You have to fish with right bait to catch the fish you want, and this goes both ways. You want someone who has put effort into making a profile that is worth looking at because it indicates they are using the app seriously (presumably like you) and not just for fun or as a time waster. If a person has one picture and no bio or writeup I go "thank you for doing the work of filtering yourself out of my matches" and move on. Same thing if they've got crappy photos (eg only selfies) I say "nope" immediately and move on.

The pictures you use should tell a story about your interests and hobbies and who you are and not just be a barometer for them to see "are you hot enough". If you like travelling, use a picture from a vacation. Candid pictures are great, casual pictures are also nice. Pictures with your family/adult kids/pets if that is important to you are also nice to have included so they can paint a picture of what you might be like. If they're not interested in a widow or someone who has a family this is an easy way for them to say Nope before you even have a chance to talk. That way you don't become invested in them and have to "drop a bomb" later that sends them running. In your profile you get to paint a story in pictures of who you are so the other person can imagine themselves there with you and doing those things too. This is *your* bait! You want them to be interested and excited to talk to someone with those interests!

I've strongly preferred the apps (or sites) that require "mutual interest" to be expressed by both parties before you can have a conversation. Sites where I didn't have to "match" with the man before he messaged me were very cringey and uncomfortable. I'd get so many unsolicited messages in my inbox and you could tell most of them were copy-paste messages sent out shotgun style to see if the guy would get anything back. This kind of thing was a huge turnoff, and made me think that those guys doing that were desperate and/or fed up with the site because they weren't having luck getting matches. The guys that aren't getting matches are probably not getting any matches for a reason, so steer far away from them (*******s, rude, stalkers, etc). I would even go so far as to say DO NOT REPLY to them. I did initially message these men back to say "thanks for the message, but sorry, I'm not interested" because I thought it was more polite than not responding. I was very wrong. Those guys I did respond to in the interest of being polite then proceeded to harass me with continued messages, call me names, and in general were just real *******s after getting rejected even though all they'd done was send a message. All that to say, at least if you both "liked" each other's profiles you consented to having a conversation so at least there's that level of courtesy. The rejection of the men with small egos is invisible and you don't wind up being their punching bag.

TL;DR: be yourself, trust your gut, remember that they're doing the same thing in talking to many people at the same time and you don't have to feel guilty about that. Be safe and have fun! If it's not fun or if it doesn't feel right after trying it out, then stop.

ETA: I met my SO of 6 years on Tinder. Had to go through 3 "rounds" of using the apps over a few years as I would date one guy for a few months and breakup, then eventually be ready to try again and repeat the cycle. It might take a few tries to find the right one, but they're out there!

 

[Vera W]

Hi Vera, I met my husband through a dating service, Its Just Lunch, twenty years ago. I just checked it out and they are still in business and there is one in Houston. Just an idea.

Depending on how many people (men) they are working with it could be a lot of fun. After your date you call up the service and give your critique and they listen to your feedback, it was kind of like therapy. Everyone I went out with was a professional who lived in or near my city.

Wow, Thank you @oceanblue I think I had heard of it on the radio. I will definitely check it out if the current suiter doesn't work out.
I am SO happy to know that you and your husband had a good experience and have lived a legacy of love since then.

 

[Vera W]

It's not all horror stories Vera!
I recommend eHarmony for a couple reasons.
First---the fact that you pay for it will eliminate some creeps and married men. Secondly, personality profiling is effective and if nothing else, you will learn something about yourself! Plus it takes a couple hours and again, eliminates some scammers.

I went out with 6 extremely nice, normal, educated, employed men from eHarmony. I had no issues with scammers. All were dedicated fathers (I was in my 50's) with good values.
I married number 6!

Thanks so much @Elizabeth35 I am for sure on eHarmony and wow that profile matching is something to behold. So far, not any favorable suiters or connections but will keep it going in the meanwhile.
Congratulations on finding your forever hubby!!!

 

[Vera W]

I attempted online dating after divorcing my 1st husband of 16 years. I had been with him since I was 18 so I had very little dating experience. It was an adventure and I was clueless as to what I was getting myself into. Lots of creeps, wanting to say discusting things to me on the phone that I had to block. I then had a man accuse me of posting fake pics to my profile. I guess he had been scammed too. I then met a "nice" guy that I really hit it off with. We dated for 9 months. I later found out he lied about his age and about how many times he had been married AFTER he asked me to marry him. I was told by his ex wife,, not him! I refused to be the 5th wife of a liar and someone who never intended on letting me know the truth about him. What else had he lied about??

I fortunately never had the issue of men hitting me up for money like dk did, but at the time I had teenagers at home and there was no chance I would have given out any $.

Yikes @Mrs_Strizzle I can totally relate to what you have experienced. It is a shame that people are just plain dogs. GRRRR. I greatly appreciate your sharing and I will be extra careful going forward.

 

[Vera W]

I'm widowed almost 3 years now. My late husband was a great husband and partner to me. Losing him was devastating.

But, being such a young widow, I had hopes that I may be able to have another great partner one day. I started dating again a year ago. That was my first foray into online dating.

I have had some bad experiences but nothing terrible. Most of the experience with it has been just ok.

Advice I would give would be to not taking it to heart too much until there's a person that deserves it, and it takes time with a person to know that. Don't let online dating be a time waster, because it can be. You don't have to make yourself constantly available to it. I like to meet a person in early on. I find that contact I can find out a whole lot more about a person and quickly. You get good at reading people and determining what is best for you. But, the key to that also is knowing yourself and what you want and being forthright about it.

OH dearest @HollyJane I am so sorry for your loss. No doubt this was and still can be such a hard loss when you had that just perfect mate. Big hugs from me.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it is very sage advice. In my first couple of attempts, I for sure jumped in too quickly. Now I am on the slow Nelly pace. All the best to you Pretty Lady.

 

[Autumn in New England]

I'll spare you my dating advice, but I just wanted to extend my (belated) condolences on the loss of your dear husband. And, of course, best wishes to you for a lifetime of love, light, and happiness!!

 

[Vera W]

Younger person chiming in: having grown up in the online dating and texting generation I would say first and foremost to trust your gut instincts. If anything seems fishy, get out. Chat with lots of people and don't feel guilty about it. Remember that they're doing the same thing. It's all a numbers game, so the more you chat to people the more chance you have of finding a genuine connection. I would talk with maybe 10 people then decide to meet 4 or 5 in person within a week or two for a short first meet up in a public place (Coffee! Drinks). Don't feel guilty about this. You know within 10-15 minutes (often times less!) if they were worth a second date. Usually by that point only 1 of the meet ups, if any, would be mutually interested in continuing on for another date.

Rules for meeting: Always transport yourself to and from the dates, never get them to pick you up or drop you off for safety and privacy reasons, and I would always tell a friend where I was going, when and with whom.

The apps are a "game". You have to fish with right bait to catch the fish you want, and this goes both ways. You want someone who has put effort into making a profile that is worth looking at because it indicates they are using the app seriously (presumably like you) and not just for fun or as a time waster. If a person has one picture and no bio or writeup I go "thank you for doing the work of filtering yourself out of my matches" and move on. Same thing if they've got crappy photos (eg only selfies) I say "nope" immediately and move on.

The pictures you use should tell a story about your interests and hobbies and who you are and not just be a barometer for them to see "are you hot enough". If you like travelling, use a picture from a vacation. Candid pictures are great, casual pictures are also nice. Pictures with your family/adult kids/pets if that is important to you are also nice to have included so they can paint a picture of what you might be like. If they're not interested in a widow or someone who has a family this is an easy way for them to say Nope before you even have a chance to talk. That way you don't become invested in them and have to "drop a bomb" later that sends them running. In your profile you get to paint a story in pictures of who you are so the other person can imagine themselves there with you and doing those things too. This is *your* bait! You want them to be interested and excited to talk to someone with those interests!

I've strongly preferred the apps (or sites) that require "mutual interest" to be expressed by both parties before you can have a conversation. Sites where I didn't have to "match" with the man before he messaged me were very cringey and uncomfortable. I'd get so many unsolicited messages in my inbox and you could tell most of them were copy-paste messages sent out shotgun style to see if the guy would get anything back. This kind of thing was a huge turnoff, and made me think that those guys doing that were desperate and/or fed up with the site because they weren't having luck getting matches. The guys that aren't getting matches are probably not getting any matches for a reason, so steer far away from them (*******s, rude, stalkers, etc). I would even go so far as to say DO NOT REPLY to them. I did initially message these men back to say "thanks for the message, but sorry, I'm not interested" because I thought it was more polite than not responding. I was very wrong. Those guys I did respond to in the interest of being polite then proceeded to harass me with continued messages, call me names, and in general were just real *******s after getting rejected even though all they'd done was send a message. All that to say, at least if you both "liked" each other's profiles you consented to having a conversation so at least there's that level of courtesy. The rejection of the men with small egos is invisible and you don't wind up being their punching bag.

TL;DR: be yourself, trust your gut, remember that they're doing the same thing in talking to many people at the same time and you don't have to feel guilty about that. Be safe and have fun! If it's not fun or if it doesn't feel right after trying it out, then stop.

ETA: I met my SO of 6 years on Tinder. Had to go through 3 "rounds" of using the apps over a few years as I would date one guy for a few months and breakup, then eventually be ready to try again and repeat the cycle. It might take a few tries to find the right one, but they're out there!

Hello @emmy12 !! Well, you may be younger Emmy12 but you are WISE beyond your years for certain!! I so appreciate how you laid this all out, no doubt many people who read this will garner very good insight from your expressed experiences and advice. Thank you so much. Congratulations on finding you're special SO!! I am too old for Tinder but have heard from several younger folks that it worked very well for them!! Woot Woot.