To what degree do you think PSers enable?

[Dreamer_D]

TGal: For having such a clever head on your shoulder, you sure are quite oblivious! I mentioned the thread, with the poster's name et al on the BGD thread.

I think the other poster mentioned it without specifics BEFORE I saw your post. It was yours that made me go, "oh." I would not have found it otherwise.

I tell you, I don't read as much as I should around here. Bull in a china shop.

Can someone link to the thread? I have opted not to go into the BGD thread again (no enabling please ) but would like to read the thread you are gossiping about.

 

[decodelighted]

Can someone link to the thread? I have opted not to go into the BGD thread again (no enabling please ) but would like to read the thread you are gossiping about.

I'd do it but I'd get barraged with another tirade of bad names/labels and accusations that I have a personal vendetta against the person in question. (Which I don't BTW!)

 

[anchor31]

It was always my impression that PS in general encourages people to buy what they can afford and not put luxury items on credit. I don't think anyone in their right might would enable someone to buy luxury items they can't afford, giving that they are aware of that someone's financial situation. In that sense, I don't believe PS' "enabling" to be negative or toxic.

I also don't believe cautionary advice to be negative or toxic. If a poster's situation seems fishy, voicing your concerns can be constructive. But like I always tell my husband, who can be painfully blunt (and sometimes I worry it could hurt him!), there is always a way to say things without being mean, hurtful or dismissive. Isn't there a saying that goes "It's not what you say, it's how you say it"? Some people will probably think "Does that mean I have to walk on eggshels all the time?"... I don't see it as walking on eggshells. I see it as being thoughtful. But that could be just me. Think of it this way: Would you rather be told your work sucks, or be pointed out what could be improved? The "tell it like it is" thing can be useful, but I think a little empathy goes a long way.

As for **edited** situation, as long as we are not aware of the specifics of her financial situation, I think it's not our place to judge. I'm not a fan of buying luxury items on credit and would not do it myself, but ultimately it's none of my business.

 

[TravelingGal]

It was always my impression that PS in general encourages people to buy what they can afford and not put luxury items on credit. I don't think anyone in their right might would enable someone to buy luxury items they can't afford, giving that they are aware of that someone's financial situation. In that sense, I don't believe PS' "enabling" to be negative or toxic.

I also don't believe cautionary advice to be negative or toxic. If a poster's situation seems fishy, voicing your concerns can be constructive. But like I always tell my husband, who can be painfully blunt (and sometimes I worry it could hurt him!), there is always a way to say things without being mean, hurtful or dismissive. Isn't there a saying that goes "It's not what you say, it's how you say it"? Some people will probably think "Does that mean I have to walk on eggshels all the time?"... I don't see it as walking on eggshells. I see it as being thoughtful. But that could be just me. Think of it this way: Would you rather be told your work sucks, or be pointed out what could be improved? The "tell it like it is" thing can be useful, but I think a little empathy goes a long way.

As for **edited** situation, as long as we are not aware of the specifics of her financial situation, I think it's not our place to judge. I'm not a fan of buying luxury items on credit and would not do it myself, but ultimately it's none of my business.

There you go Dreamer, go look in LIW. I think someone mentioned any enabling actually really happened offline and not much on that thread by any "old timer."

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Honestly, with the exception of a few posters (like the one in the thread in question) I don't remember the specifics of their lives in such detail that I feel like I CAN encourage/discourage. So I don't do either. If someone bought something new, I'll compliment it. I try not to seriously enable too much, but I don't like to be the wet blanket either (like Fiery said earlier, I'd be offended if someone told ME that I shouldn't buy something because of X, Y, Z reasons).

And in the rare cases (like those threads) where I DO remember the backstory, I just won't say anything. It's not my place to babysit that adult poster, but I personally wouldn't feel right encouraging a purchase like that. So I'll take the wimp way out and not say a word.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Ok, well I will not say "I never blal blah blah" because honestly I do not remember everything I have written but generally speaking I don't hang out in hangout very much because emotional enabling is boring, and other than times I feel compelled to lecture and little for fun, I find the relationship help threads sort of boring. Unless I really know the person I guess.

Financial enabling, well if we do not know their financial situation how can we know if we are being a good enabler or a bad enabler? Some people need a little help to make a tough decision and some people need to be pulled back, and depending what they want, either could be defined as enabling.

I think the whole notion of enabling is an excuse to blame other people for your own decisions anyways. As others said, no one ever takes advice that is not consistent with their own wishes and desires anyways If they never asked for the advice in the first place, they likely would have made the same choice anyways. So enabling in the buying and PS sense is total malarky really. People make choices, full stop. What people say in a thread has nothing to do with it.

That siad, PS is a dangerous place for certain types, because it is a social milleau in which spending money is the norm and attention is given for buying new things. But that is a whole different kettle of fish than "enabling", whatever the heck that even is.

 

[davi_el_mejor]

Honestly, with the exception of a few posters (like the one in the thread in question) I don't remember the specifics of their lives in such detail that I feel like I CAN encourage/discourage. So I don't do either. If someone bought something new, I'll compliment it. I try not to seriously enable too much, but I don't like to be the wet blanket either (like Fiery said earlier, I'd be offended if someone told ME that I shouldn't buy something because of X, Y, Z reasons).

And in the rare cases (like those threads) where I DO remember the backstory, I just won't say anything. It's not my place to babysit that adult poster, but I personally wouldn't feel right encouraging a purchase like that. So I'll take the wimp way out and not say a word.

BEG, quick question, feel free not to answer. Did PS enable you to make the decision to contact CV?

I guess I'm not grasping the concept of enabling. I'm a little dense sometimes.

 

[NovemberBride]

Ok, well I will not say "I never blal blah blah" because honestly I do not remember everything I have written but generally speaking I don't hang out in hangout very much because emotional enabling is boring, and other than times I feel compelled to lecture and little for fun, I find the relationship help threads sort of boring. Unless I really know the person I guess.

Financial enabling, well if we do not know their financial situation how can we know if we are being a good enabler or a bad enabler? Some people need a little help to make a tough decision and some people need to be pulled back, and depending what they want, either could be defined as enabling.

I think the whole notion of enabling is an excuse to blame other people for your own decisions anyways. As others said, no one ever takes advice that is not consistent with their own wishes and desires anyways If they never asked for the advice in the first place, they likely would have made the same choice anyways. So enabling in the buying and PS sense is total malarky really. People make choices, full stop. What people say in a thread has nothing to do with it.

That siad, PS is a dangerous place for certain types, because it is a social milleau in which spending money is the norm and attention is given for buying new things. But that is a whole different kettle of fish than "enabling", whatever the heck that even is.

Dreamer, I agree with the bolded part completely. I am secure enough in myself and confident enough in my decisions that I do not need other PS'ers to support all of my life choices. I am afraid that there are some members here who are not and look to PS for validation for every move they make and for attention they may not be getting in their real life. I think looking to others for validation is generally a bad idea, but when you are looking for that validation from people online who don't really know you and may or may not have your best interests at heart, it's especially concerning.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Honestly, with the exception of a few posters (like the one in the thread in question) I don't remember the specifics of their lives in such detail that I feel like I CAN encourage/discourage. So I don't do either. If someone bought something new, I'll compliment it. I try not to seriously enable too much, but I don't like to be the wet blanket either (like Fiery said earlier, I'd be offended if someone told ME that I shouldn't buy something because of X, Y, Z reasons).

And in the rare cases (like those threads) where I DO remember the backstory, I just won't say anything. It's not my place to babysit that adult poster, but I personally wouldn't feel right encouraging a purchase like that. So I'll take the wimp way out and not say a word.

BEG, quick question, feel free not to answer. Did PS enable you to make the decision to contact CV?

I guess I'm not grasping the concept of enabling. I'm a little dense sometimes.

HA! Yes, actually - I had IRL friends pushing me too, but considering the great responses I got from you guys, there was no way I could back out

I think that's GOOD enabling though

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Ok, well I will not say "I never blal blah blah" because honestly I do not remember everything I have written but generally speaking I don't hang out in hangout very much because emotional enabling is boring, and other than times I feel compelled to lecture and little for fun, I find the relationship help threads sort of boring. Unless I really know the person I guess.

Financial enabling, well if we do not know their financial situation how can we know if we are being a good enabler or a bad enabler? Some people need a little help to make a tough decision and some people need to be pulled back, and depending what they want, either could be defined as enabling.

I think the whole notion of enabling is an excuse to blame other people for your own decisions anyways. As others said, no one ever takes advice that is not consistent with their own wishes and desires anyways If they never asked for the advice in the first place, they likely would have made the same choice anyways. So enabling in the buying and PS sense is total malarky really. People make choices, full stop. What people say in a thread has nothing to do with it.

That siad, PS is a dangerous place for certain types, because it is a social milleau in which spending money is the norm and attention is given for buying new things. But that is a whole different kettle of fish than "enabling", whatever the heck that even is.

SO true. And I definitely fell prey to that when I first joined (have you seen the number of gems I bought???) Thankfully, I pulled out of that spiral

 

[Dreamer_D]

That siad, PS is a dangerous place for certain types, because it is a social milleau in which spending money is the norm and attention is given for buying new things. But that is a whole different kettle of fish than "enabling", whatever the heck that even is.

Dreamer, I agree with the bolded part completely. I am secure enough in myself and confident enough in my decisions that I do not need other PS'ers to support all of my life choices. I am afraid that there are some members here who are not and look to PS for validation for every move they make and for attention they may not be getting in their real life. I think looking to others for validation is generally a bad idea, but when you are looking for that validation from people online who don't really know you and may or may not have your best interests at heart, it's especially concerning.[/quote]

I think that it is not all about confidence or security, but also about basic human nature. It boils down to a rather simple aspect of human psycholgy: We all want love and acceptance. Hopefully, we get it from people close to up in real life and hopefully that attention and love and acceptance comes for simple, and free, things, like doing well at work, or making a nice dinner, or just being ourselves But one can also look for that attention and acceptance online, heck we all enjoy the sense of community of talking to people on PS! The "danger" of PS is that a certain amount of attention and acceptance that you get in the community comes from your expensive jewelry. And if you really seek out and court attention and acceptance on PS you could get into financial trouble. Even if on an *explicit* level you are not buying things for attention and acceptance, the attention and acceptance you invariably receive can only serve to reinforce buying things. It is a potenitally costly (ha) cycle and I think all of us could fall into it, if our social needs were not being met elsewhere or we had spendy tendencies to being with.

Also, there are norms here that are not reflective of the norms in real life. I do not know anyone in my real life with a diamond that is an expensive as mine (or maybe someone really overpaid and I don't know it). Not saying that to be boasty, it is just the truth. I know that if I had not found PS I would not own a ring like I do now, because social norms would not have made it ok to do so. But PS social norms did make it ok.. Now, I love my ring and it is something I wanted anyways but likely would not have given myself permission otherwise. So I was enabled in that sense.

 

[bee*]

How wrong am *I* that I really really really want to break out the "I TOLD YOU SO" chestnut from time to time. I don't, of course. Guess that just means I'm WAY too invested in the soap opera aspect of long-time-PS-ing. So I'll take the embarrassment that comes with that.

It also means that you're definitely not a meanie!! I've so wanted to say that a couple of times too. I just keep it zipped though.

 

[Upgradable]

I thought this thread was about sparkly enabling. Guess not. Sorry, carry on.....

 

[TravelingGal]

I thought this thread was about sparkly enabling. Guess not. Sorry, carry on.....

Well, it started that way...I meant it for sparklies and stuff, but I'm always good for a tangent.

 

[Upgradable]

One reason I really love the Colored Stones forum is that it is the antithesis of enabling!! If anyone comes on expecting head patting and high fiving for whatever purchase they made, they may leave with scorch marks. CSers are going to absolutely critique your purchase. When I am looking for the best bang for my buck, I really appreciate that!

 

[TravelingGal]

One reason I really love the Colored Stones forum is that it is the antithesis of enabling!! If anyone comes on expecting head patting and high fiving for whatever purchase they made, they may leave with scorch marks. CSers are going to absolutely critique your purchase. When I am looking for the best bang for my buck, I really appreciate that!

That's true...they really don't enable over there unless it's a good purchase. Heck, as you said, after you purchase something they may flay you!

 

[davi_el_mejor]

One reason I really love the Colored Stones forum is that it is the antithesis of enabling!! If anyone comes on expecting head patting and high fiving for whatever purchase they made, they may leave with scorch marks. CSers are going to absolutely critique your purchase. When I am looking for the best bang for my buck, I really appreciate that!

That's true...they really don't enable over there unless it's a good purchase. Heck, as you said, after you purchase something they may flay you!

I keep hearing people say that CS'ers can be mean. I haven't seen it though. At least not when people don't ask for honest opinions on stones they are thinking of buying or have bought. Maybe I skim right over them, but it hasn't jumped out at me.

 

[TravelingGal]

One reason I really love the Colored Stones forum is that it is the antithesis of enabling!! If anyone comes on expecting head patting and high fiving for whatever purchase they made, they may leave with scorch marks. CSers are going to absolutely critique your purchase. When I am looking for the best bang for my buck, I really appreciate that!

That's true...they really don't enable over there unless it's a good purchase. Heck, as you said, after you purchase something they may flay you!

I keep hearing people say that CS'ers can be mean. I haven't seen it though. At least not when people don't ask for honest opinions on stones they are thinking of buying or have bought. Maybe I skim right over them, but it hasn't jumped out at me.

They're not mean. And I should have written "flay the STONE" instead of "you." They are actually very polite and civil over there and don't really say anything if you're showing a purchase off and they don't like it. But if you ask for "honest" thoughts, boy, are you gonna get them, so be prepared! It's a forum with very little drama.

 

[Laila619]

There was a thread not too long ago where a long-time poster wanted to do a very expensive upgrade and when several posters pointed out that she should be happy with what she already had, that she didn't seem to know what she really wanted, etc., they were raked over the coals. So more people probably don't speak up in those types of situations because they know they too will get lambasted.

 

[TravelingGal]

There was a thread not too long ago where a long-time poster wanted to do a very expensive upgrade and when several posters pointed out that she should be happy with what she already had, that she didn't seem to know what she really wanted, etc., they were raked over the coals. So more people probably don't speak up in those types of situations because they know they too will get lambasted.

Did they say that because it's a philosophical thing? As in, you shouldn't upgrade because it's not what he proposed with? Or because she seemed unsure of what she wanted?

Ask anywhere else besides a jewelry forum and most will say a woman is X for wanting to upgrade what her husband proposed with...that is should be a sentimental piece. Here, the answer often is "c'mon...it's a JEWELRY forum!"

 

[Upgradable]

There was a thread not too long ago where a long-time poster wanted to do a very expensive upgrade and when several posters pointed out that she should be happy with what she already had, that she didn't seem to know what she really wanted, etc., they were raked over the coals. So more people probably don't speak up in those types of situations because they know they too will get lambasted.

I think this is an example of a situation in which a "long timer" has a greater chance of speaking out contrary to what the OP is planning. When you've been here a long time you tend to have seen similar situations play out, or have more backstory on why the OP may be embarking on an upgrade. We also have tougher skin, meaning that having a number of other posters speak out in defense of the plan and against the nay-sayer doesn't personally destroy us. Personally, I feel that's one of the purposes of this forum.

 

[Steel]

About the thread in question - those who read it know my part. It was the second time I advised that poster to step away from a large purchase. The first time she was upset with me and this time she just ignored me. Honestly I liked her but she as been taking the wrong path for a while now and not for the first time on pricescope I felt ***compelled*** to post a dissenting opinion. It seemed to me that a fight was coming - she is upset and wants to feel important, perhaps she had nowhere else to vent? I don't know, but I do know that nobody really wants to hear no. People want to be enabled.

About general enabling ***waving her hand in the air*** I have on countless occasions suggested that when considering a wb the poster get 2. Because I love the look. I also sing the praises or a euro shank more than is reasonable. If the suggestion is taken whoop-de-do. Does that make me an enabler?

I don't see anybody here driving to Mackie D's to buy another happy meal for their 40 stone husband.

Free will - it is not just a movie about a whale.

 

[Steel]

Honestly, with the exception of a few posters (like the one in the thread in question) I don't remember the specifics of their lives in such detail that I feel like I CAN encourage/discourage. So I don't do either. If someone bought something new, I'll compliment it. I try not to seriously enable too much, but I don't like to be the wet blanket either (like Fiery said earlier, I'd be offended if someone told ME that I shouldn't buy something because of X, Y, Z reasons).

And in the rare cases (like those threads) where I DO remember the backstory, I just won't say anything. It's not my place to babysit that adult poster, but I personally wouldn't feel right encouraging a purchase like that. So I'll take the wimp way out and not say a word.

BEG, quick question, feel free not to answer. Did PS enable you to make the decision to contact CV?

I guess I'm not grasping the concept of enabling. I'm a little dense sometimes.

HA! Yes, actually - I had IRL friends pushing me too, but considering the great responses I got from you guys, there was no way I could back out

I think that's GOOD enabling though

Do I get a referral cheque* if you guys hook up


*is it too soon to joke about it?

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

There was a thread not too long ago where a long-time poster wanted to do a very expensive upgrade and when several posters pointed out that she should be happy with what she already had, that she didn't seem to know what she really wanted, etc., they were raked over the coals. So more people probably don't speak up in those types of situations because they know they too will get lambasted.

Did they say that because it's a philosophical thing? As in, you shouldn't upgrade because it's not what he proposed with? Or because she seemed unsure of what she wanted?

Ask anywhere else besides a jewelry forum and most will say a woman is X for wanting to upgrade what her husband proposed with...that is should be a sentimental piece. Here, the answer often is "c'mon...it's a JEWELRY forum!"

I might be thinking of a different thread (if I am, ignore) but if this is the one I'm thinking of, that poster in question had, over the years, made a LOT of really BIG purchases, and been happy with them for like a few months, before wanting to upgrade again. She, I believe, has a definite goal (for size, etc.) in mind, but on the road to getting there financially, she seemed to be buying "lesser" (i.e. not her ideal) diamonds/rings/whatever, which she was subsequently dissatisfied with (since she really just wants the "goal" size). I hope that's not too vague. And in that situation, I didn't speak up but read the thread, and I agreed with the posters who stepped in and advised her to hold off, save and just WAIT to get what she really wanted. That wasn't wet-blanketing because the posters disapproved of her buying beyond her means or whatever; it was advising her not to because her heart didn't really seem to be in THIS upgrade.

I could totally be talking out of my ass about a different situation though

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Honestly, with the exception of a few posters (like the one in the thread in question) I don't remember the specifics of their lives in such detail that I feel like I CAN encourage/discourage. So I don't do either. If someone bought something new, I'll compliment it. I try not to seriously enable too much, but I don't like to be the wet blanket either (like Fiery said earlier, I'd be offended if someone told ME that I shouldn't buy something because of X, Y, Z reasons).

And in the rare cases (like those threads) where I DO remember the backstory, I just won't say anything. It's not my place to babysit that adult poster, but I personally wouldn't feel right encouraging a purchase like that. So I'll take the wimp way out and not say a word.

BEG, quick question, feel free not to answer. Did PS enable you to make the decision to contact CV?

I guess I'm not grasping the concept of enabling. I'm a little dense sometimes.

HA! Yes, actually - I had IRL friends pushing me too, but considering the great responses I got from you guys, there was no way I could back out

I think that's GOOD enabling though

Do I get a referral cheque* if you guys hook up


*is it too soon to joke about it?

lol not too soon! Though depending on what's going on with this job situation, I may be moving in the next month (and all that EFFORT dammit!). But if all goes well, he may be joining us (me, my BFF, her husband) next weekend when we go snowboarding. We've been chatting/texting this week

 

[Steel]

Honestly, with the exception of a few posters (like the one in the thread in question) I don't remember the specifics of their lives in such detail that I feel like I CAN encourage/discourage. So I don't do either. If someone bought something new, I'll compliment it. I try not to seriously enable too much, but I don't like to be the wet blanket either (like Fiery said earlier, I'd be offended if someone told ME that I shouldn't buy something because of X, Y, Z reasons).

And in the rare cases (like those threads) where I DO remember the backstory, I just won't say anything. It's not my place to babysit that adult poster, but I personally wouldn't feel right encouraging a purchase like that. So I'll take the wimp way out and not say a word.

BEG, quick question, feel free not to answer. Did PS enable you to make the decision to contact CV?

I guess I'm not grasping the concept of enabling. I'm a little dense sometimes.

HA! Yes, actually - I had IRL friends pushing me too, but considering the great responses I got from you guys, there was no way I could back out

I think that's GOOD enabling though

Do I get a referral cheque* if you guys hook up


*is it too soon to joke about it?

lol not too soon! Though depending on what's going on with this job situation, I may be moving in the next month (and all that EFFORT dammit!). But if all goes well, he may be joining us (me, my BFF, her husband) next weekend when we go snowboarding. We've been chatting/texting this week

Eeek, you will make me a PS auntie yet!

(Ryan claire promised to make me an honourary auntie but I think she wants to back out of the deal)

 

[davi_el_mejor]

lol not too soon! Though depending on what's going on with this job situation, I may be moving in the next month (and all that EFFORT dammit!). But if all goes well, he may be joining us (me, my BFF, her husband) next weekend when we go snowboarding. We've been chatting/texting this week

Eeek, you will make me a PS auntie yet!

(Ryan claire promised to make me an honourary auntie but I think she wants to back out of the deal)

You can be an honorary auntie to Neena and Mia... they need a straight talking no guff-taking sense of authority, because they've used their puppy charms on me and the better half... What do ya say?

 

[Steel]

lol not too soon! Though depending on what's going on with this job situation, I may be moving in the next month (and all that EFFORT dammit!). But if all goes well, he may be joining us (me, my BFF, her husband) next weekend when we go snowboarding. We've been chatting/texting this week

Eeek, you will make me a PS auntie yet!

(Ryan claire promised to make me an honourary auntie but I think she wants to back out of the deal)

You can be an honorary auntie to Neena and Mia... they need a straight talking no guff-taking sense of authority, because they've used their puppy charms on me and the better half... What do ya say?

Can you smell my "desperate" from over there?

Deal.

I'm a PS auntie!

What do I do now, forget their birthdays and generally ignore them? That is what most aunties do, right?

 

[Porridge]

I can't say it has ever occurred to me. I have probably asked people's opinions on such and such a product/book/gem/course of action I suppose, and I have taken people's opinions into consideration, but not to the point where I felt persuaded or enabled. Maybe if it were a more serious issue and a bunch of people I respected had a particularly strong opinion on it then I'd give it more weight, but I have not been in that situation yet.

I concur with those who say I have seen more practical, buy-what-you-can-afford advice here than enabling.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Finally, I hate to think that there are people out there who make important financial decisions based on what some anonymous poster on the internet thinks. If I am wavering on a decision I might ask for opinions on here, but in the end my decision will be based on my own preferences and financial situation. After all, I am the one who'll be paying with my hard-earned money, not the PS posters who encourage me.

You know what bugs the hell out of me? When people ask about color over on RT. The "will I be able to tell an I from a J?" posts. Why don't people get off their butts and GO into some stores and look for themselves. They are spending THOUSANDS and getting advice from all the nutcases here on PS.

ETA - my post isn't about a specific person...it's just every time I see those type of color sensitive questions on RT, I get annoyed and I just found this a good time to do so.