Trouble........

[reader]

Alexis, you are just coming through what will probably be the worst moments of your entire life. With some work, and taking good care of yourself, it goes uphill from here. Ask your HR director about EAP, its not just for substance abuse...many employers offer access to up to six sessions of free counseling.

I am glad he is out of your life, keep it that way. You deserve to be treated with respect. You have the right to be loved. Those are basic human rights in a relationship, accept nothing less for yourself.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Alexis, this is not general counseling, but just so you know, there are Crisis Pregnancy Centers in many cities which offer post-abortion counseling if you ever should need that kind of support. I am pretty sure it is free. But now it seems to be very important to delve into why you stayed in such a horrible relationship so long so that you can prevent this from happening again. This guy was not worth marrying long before he was unfaithful.

 

[chrono]

I am glad that you are in the recovery stage after the rough weekend. I don''t want to seem like I''m jumping down your throat after such a rough experience but Alexis, I can''t believe you went with that creep instead of bringing along a supportive and trusted friend/family member! I would severe all ties to him and his friends ASAP,and expect nothing from him anymore. He has proven himself as a useless piece of trash not only from his behaviour during your time apart but from previous posts of how he treated you. He will not feel a tinge of regret in his current immature state but believe, he''ll get his due karma in time. Maybe not now, but years later.

Right now, just concentrate on getting better physically and emotionally. Do whatever it takes, be it counseling or hanging out with people who care about you, or just staying home to reconnect with yourself. You have shown immense inner strength. (((Hugs)))

 

[movie zombie]

honey, you''re getting tons of good advice and you''re not listening to it or open to it yet. there are lots of books on this topic and i myself have gained great insight in reading some of them; please look into books regarding ''women who love too much''. amazon has tons.

you are not ready to move on yet. he has. its as short and simple as that. you are expecting something from him that he cannot give you. you want him to realize what he''s lost. only he can decide that. you can only decide that for yourself.

suggested reading: Women Who Love Too Much (Paperback)
by Robin Norwood

the only one you can change is yourself.....and before you try to change someone else, remember how hard it is to change yourself. these are words that i carry with me as a reminder.

until you close the door on him, you won''t be able to move forward. i know it is so very very hard to do........

movie zombie

 

[~*Alexis*~]

thanks for all the replies, I am not talking to him and I am making a clean break.

I started a thread in the LIW forum about the best book to read to help heal, so if you have more suggestions I would love to hear more. I am going to be doing alot more reading in the next few weeks. Reading is always good for the soul...

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 11/7/2006 11:23:52 AM
Author: Chrono
I am glad that you are in the recovery stage after the rough weekend. I don''t want to seem like I''m jumping down your throat after such a rough experience but Alexis, I can''t believe you went with that creep instead of bringing along a supportive and trusted friend/family member! I would severe all ties to him and his friends ASAP,and expect nothing from him anymore.

And, I don''t want to seem like I am jumping down your throat either - but DO SEVERE ALL ties with this guy. Do not even care whether he misses you or thinks about what he has lost. Even his OPINION in the matter should not be addressed. Don''t concern yourself with his thoughts. They are poison to you.

Take it or leave it from this old married broad - I wouldn''t even want the guy as a neighbor let alone a life partner. Work on yourself. Be comfortable being a you rather than a couple with anyone. It is only until you realize that you like yourself will you discover that you are worthy of someone who is a partner. And, in the meantime you may find that you kinda like your own company.

I am so sorry you are going through this. And, consider that hormones are still a factor. Best to you.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

SDL-

Thanks for the reply. Although you should go and back read what has already been written. The decision was already made and now I am just trying to heal.

Thanks for the concern.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 11/7/2006 7:48:17 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
I had a really long conversation with his best friend the other night.
It seems like he notices all of the things that are happening too. He just isnt sure where he can say things and where he cant. He will tell him he is being a royal ass, but talking to someone with deaf ears doesnt help.

So we are all kinda in the same boat. We all pretty much know that this new ''relationship'' is not going to last at all. So time will tell....

Whether this new relationship will last or not.....I can''t stress this enough...do you really want to even think about any kind of relationship with a person who treated you like he has? Honestly, talking to his best friend might help you feel like you''re not the only person who thinks he''s an ass, but even if he turned around tomorrow and groveled at your feet, would you honestly even CONSIDER taking him back? I hope the answer is no. He''s a self absorbed jerk. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...shame on me. Don''t go there.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 11/7/2006 2:00:57 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 11/7/2006 7:48:17 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
I had a really long conversation with his best friend the other night.
It seems like he notices all of the things that are happening too. He just isnt sure where he can say things and where he cant. He will tell him he is being a royal ass, but talking to someone with deaf ears doesnt help.

So we are all kinda in the same boat. We all pretty much know that this new ''relationship'' is not going to last at all. So time will tell....

Whether this new relationship will last or not.....I can''t stress this enough...do you really want to even think about any kind of relationship with a person who treated you like he has? Honestly, talking to his best friend might help you feel like you''re not the only person who thinks he''s an ass, but even if he turned around tomorrow and groveled at your feet, would you honestly even CONSIDER taking him back? I hope the answer is no. He''s a self absorbed jerk. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...shame on me. Don''t go there.

That was not what I was trying to say at all. No I will not be taking him back. He has done to much damage.

His best friend and I are friends so I will talk to him no matter what. He has a heart of gold and I got to become a good friend to him as well as his sister.

He is a self absorbed jerk among many other things....

When I stated things about his new ''relationship'' was more about how Karma was going to come back and bite him in the ass. Nothing else. And when it does bite him where it hurts, I will not feel sorry for him at all, instead I will laugh and be like...HAHA!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/7/2006 2:14:09 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~

Date: 11/7/2006 2:00:57 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 11/7/2006 7:48:17 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
I had a really long conversation with his best friend the other night.
It seems like he notices all of the things that are happening too. He just isnt sure where he can say things and where he cant. He will tell him he is being a royal ass, but talking to someone with deaf ears doesnt help.

So we are all kinda in the same boat. We all pretty much know that this new ''relationship'' is not going to last at all. So time will tell....

Whether this new relationship will last or not.....I can''t stress this enough...do you really want to even think about any kind of relationship with a person who treated you like he has? Honestly, talking to his best friend might help you feel like you''re not the only person who thinks he''s an ass, but even if he turned around tomorrow and groveled at your feet, would you honestly even CONSIDER taking him back? I hope the answer is no. He''s a self absorbed jerk. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...shame on me. Don''t go there.

That was not what I was trying to say at all. No I will not be taking him back. He has done to much damage.

His best friend and I are friends so I will talk to him no matter what. He has a heart of gold and I got to become a good friend to him as well as his sister.

He is a self absorbed jerk among many other things....

When I stated things about his new ''relationship'' was more about how Karma was going to come back and bite him in the ass. Nothing else. And when it does bite him where it hurts, I will not feel sorry for him at all, instead I will laugh and be like...HAHA!

Please don''t spend your time waiting for that to happen. Karma is a great way for us to feel better when people do bad things to us, but it doesn''t always happen and most likely won''t while you''re waiting for it. Again, I really think it''s time for you to focus on you, you''ve spent enough time on him, actually way too much time.

 

[firebirdgold]

eh, I think it''s very healthy to fantasize about all the horrible things that will or could happen to your ex within the first couple of weeks.

My favorite revenge fantasy over my last ex was putting asafoetida into his forced-air heating system. From wikipedia: " Its odour is so strong that it must be stored in airtight containers; otherwise the aroma, which is nauseating in quantities, will contaminate other spices stored nearby." It''s far worse when heated a bit. Subtle yet very very nasty!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/7/2006 2:30:35 PM
Author: IndieJones
My favorite revenge fantasy over my last ex was putting asafoetida into his forced-air heating system. From wikipedia: '' Its odour is so strong that it must be stored in airtight containers; otherwise the aroma, which is nauseating in quantities, will contaminate other spices stored nearby.'' It''s far worse when heated a bit. Subtle yet very very nasty!

HA! My fave idea was putting an egg salad sandwich under the hood of his car (parked on NYC streets - cheapskate!) & letting it bake in the sun. P.U. on his next "road trip". You''d have to know him & know that he was OBSESSED with this piece of junk car -- and that I had to drive EVERYWHERE in MY car so he wouldn''t lose his precious "space".

Oh how that scenario helped me get over the ____-tard.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 11/7/2006 2:14:09 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
That was not what I was trying to say at all. No I will not be taking him back. He has done to much damage.

His best friend and I are friends so I will talk to him no matter what. He has a heart of gold and I got to become a good friend to him as well as his sister.

He is a self absorbed jerk among many other things....

When I stated things about his new ''relationship'' was more about how Karma was going to come back and bite him in the ass. Nothing else. And when it does bite him where it hurts, I will not feel sorry for him at all, instead I will laugh and be like...HAHA!

Okay great - I was worried that by ''waiting for time to tell'' that you were considering the possibility that your ex might change and become this great guy and realize the ''error of his ways''. That sounds highly unlikely, if not impossible. I''m glad that''s not what you meant!!!

 

[reader]

If he lives in a rural area, might I suggest using buck lure on the seals of his car windows and windshield..

 

[Julian]

Here is the best way to get sweet revenge -- BY LIVING WELL!

Don't let him make you cry, feel hopeless or let yourself go.

This is the time to heal, LOVE yourself more than you have ever loved yourself and to make a lifelong promise to yourself.

The promise should be:

I, Alexis, am worthy of love, happiness and all the best the world has to offer. I am not alone in having suffered great pain and loss in the world. Everyone has had their heart broken -- by the death of loved ones, by friendships ending and countless other ways. It is part of the human experience. I have loved and I have lost, like countless others before me... They survived and found new love and so will I.

I will grow from this experience and never will I let anyone treat me with anything less then respect, adoration and complete honesty. I will nurse myself back to health both emotionally and physically. I will tell myself in the mirror that I am not alone and that everything will be OK. God and his angels are around me, cradling me in this hard time. I am not alone and never will be.

I am a beautiful, strong woman with nothing to hide. I am ashamed of nothing. I followed the truth in my life. I will never forget that I cannot love anyone else without first loving myself...not in a selfish way, but in a way that honors who you are: with your flaws and gifts alike. It is the only way to have a healthy relationship.

I, Alexis, will use this new insight to move about in the world as a new person. I will be a more compassionate woman who can help others and perhaps be a better friend, daughter and courageous spirit because of this experience.

I will not only survive, but I will grow and soar! One day I will laugh with joyful abandon and thank my lucky stars I had this experience. I will have grateful tears in my eyes for having lost. For it is only through loss that there is tremendous room to gain! And you will have happiness by the double handfuls! HUGS TO YOU, MY FRIEND.

This will all lead you to where you need to be. It already has shown you your true worth. It has shown you that not only can you take care of yourself... you can accept responsibilities for your unborn child. One day I hope you have beautiful babies with an adoring husband. I hope you blossom into a great and mighty woman who will show others the way. No one achieves great success or incredible heights without pain, loss and challenge. No one.

Remember, now you are a new person! Never forget your worth!
Never, ever forget!

 

[monarch64]

Hi Alexis,

I'm glad to hear you're ok. I know this is a tough time for you, and I also know you will get through this...you're a strong girl with a sweet spirit and loving heart.

It's easy and somewhat comforting to entertain ideas of revenge, and anger is one of those feelings you go through at a time like this. BUT, I'm with Julian in this case. The best "revenge" you can have on someone who's hurt you very, very deeply is taking good care of yourself and walking away a better person in the end. "Take the high road." It sounds very cliche, but this is one of those times you'll look back on in your lifetime and you can be proud that you didn't succumb to your feelings of anger and resentment, but turned them into something greater and more positive than this guy will ever be. People like him HATE to see others do well in life (he's already shown this by not acknowledging your fantastic job in school, your giving the commencement speech, etc.), and when he hears months or years from now about what a great person you are it will eat him to the very core. Or so I'd like to think! Stay strong, and look ahead to bigger and better things than the life you would've gotten weighed down with if you'd stayed with him. Let your wonderful spirit be free and be who you want to be, not what someone else wants you to be. Take care!

 

[anchor31]

What Julian wrote is beautiful! Every woman should make this promise to herself...

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Alexis.

 

[movie zombie]

type the Words of Julian [should be in a book titled ''Every Womans'' Bible'' if there was such a thing] and carry them with you. pull it out when you need to. read it upon rising each morning, and before going to sleep each night. the more you say the words, the more you will live the words.

movie zombie

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 11/7/2006 6:52:39 PM
Author: reader
If he lives in a rural area, might I suggest using buck lure on the seals of his car windows and windshield..I dont know what this is, but I just couldnt do that. He has them all locked up and security systems.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Thank you Julian for those wonderful words. You should right a book. You have a way with words that makes people feel at ease with the hard decisions people are forced to make everyday.

I will print them out and put them someplace where I can look at them everyday. To remind myself what I am capable of doing on my own.

Thank you again.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 11/8/2006 10:28:22 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
Date: 11/7/2006 6:52:39 PM

Author: reader

If he lives in a rural area, might I suggest using buck lure on the seals of his car windows and windshield..I dont know what this is, but I just couldnt do that. He has them all locked up and security systems.

ROFLMAO !!!! Oh G that''s vicious!
If you gently rub that stuff on the rubber bits of his car the deer will come and eat all the seals.

Wouldn''t set off the alarm either!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 11/8/2006 10:47:28 AM
Author: IndieJones

Date: 11/8/2006 10:28:22 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
Date: 11/7/2006 6:52:39 PM

Author: reader

If he lives in a rural area, might I suggest using buck lure on the seals of his car windows and windshield..I dont know what this is, but I just couldnt do that. He has them all locked up and security systems.

ROFLMAO !!!! Oh G that''s vicious!
If you gently rub that stuff on the rubber bits of his car the deer will come and eat all the seals.

Wouldn''t set off the alarm either!

Evil.....although there are no deer in the city where he lives....bummer....

 

[reader]

Buck lure: makes male deer want to rut. A deer mounting the car...

 

[firebirdgold]

hmm, I like the deer eating the car idea better. Although I just remembered where I got the idea... there''s some animal (bird?) in new zealand I think that will strip all the rubber bits off a car.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

OK well the funny thing is he babys his cars. If he saw a deer mounting his car...oh my god, he would be having a heart attack. The look on his face would be enough....haha!!

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/7/2006 2:36:05 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/7/2006 2:30:35 PM
Author: IndieJones
My favorite revenge fantasy over my last ex was putting asafoetida into his forced-air heating system. From wikipedia: '' Its odour is so strong that it must be stored in airtight containers; otherwise the aroma, which is nauseating in quantities, will contaminate other spices stored nearby.'' It''s far worse when heated a bit. Subtle yet very very nasty!

HA! My fave idea was putting an egg salad sandwich under the hood of his car (parked on NYC streets - cheapskate!) & letting it bake in the sun. P.U. on his next ''road trip''. You''d have to know him & know that he was OBSESSED with this piece of junk car -- and that I had to drive EVERYWHERE in MY car so he wouldn''t lose his precious ''space''.

Oh how that scenario helped me get over the ____-tard.

hahaa my fave mental idea for an ex was from a friend...i actually had his loveseat in my garage and was storing it and he said, cut open the cushions and put some raw fish inside them. then sew the cushions back up. then give the loveseat back.

mwahhaa. hell hath no fury.

 

[Pandora II]

Hi Alexis,

I''m really sorry for your situation right now. It reminded me a lot of myself at your age.

I spent 7 years with an alcoholic who sounds like your bf''s twin. I too got pregnant at 21 and made the same decision as you. I have never looked back or felt bad as I strongly believe that children should be wanted. My bf went on to kill himself when I was 25.

Recently I thought I was pregnant and current bf was almost disappointed when the test was negative. I''m 34 now, but a baby would still have been very bad timing. However bf''s reaction and shining eyes were exactly what I wanted to see and his comment was, well timing isn''t great but then it probably never well be, so we''ll manage fine.

Believe me, that''s what a girl needs to hear from a man who loves her. You''ll look back one day and wonder why you wasted so much time on him. I often hear that you need to work at relationships - I spent years slaving at relationships I should have walked away from. The current one is effortless. Granted I''ve had to push for a proposal, but that''s down to his views on marriage rather than how he feels about me and ultimately he loves me enough to want to make me happy and is planning his proposal.

You deserve that too. Leave the drunken bum and start again! Big hug from the UK here.

PS Re good books. I bought Women who love too much and found it very useful. Be careful not to fall for another man with addiction problems - I did several times and it did my self esteem no good at all.

 

[upgrading mama]

Hey Alexis,

I am just wondering, have you told your parents about the abortion yet? Are you planning too? I would wonder if maybe out of spite your ex may go beat you to the punch and tell them just to hurt that relationship too....and besides, I still think it would be good to share that burden with them.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

No my parents do not know. I am not sure I will tell them either. Maybe in time I will. But right now is not the right time for me to be telling them. I need to come to grips with everything first before they start asking questions and making assumptions.

Right now I just need to focus on me and getting back to square one. I just need time to absorb everything that has happened in the last month, and thats been alot of crap.

Eventually I think I will tell them but now is just not the right time.

 

[glitterkitty]

Alexis,

I have been following this thread since it started, and I just want to say what a brave and strong young woman you are. You are to be commended for having the courage to take control and make a very difficult decision.

Your ex is worthless - you are priceless.

Take this time now to recover emotionally - don''t beat yourself up for being angry, upset, resentful etc. This is natural, and is our bodies way of recovering from a traumatic event.

A quick word regarding revenge - sit back and he will screw up his life himself. It may weeks, months, years or decades - but he will do it all by himself. Be thankful he is not going to screw your life up. You are already moving forward with your life, he is still stuck in his adolescence and will remain there for the rest of his life.

Your whole life is ahead of you - when you are ready, go live it