He doesn''t need to figure out what he really wants. He knows what he really wants and he has what he really wants. The only stressor for him is figuring out how he can keep what he really wants: you as a girlfriend with her own place.
Janine, I wish you could look at your own situation with as much clarity and conviction as you do with Becky''s. You''re essentially in the same position; it''s just a different topic.
I did think some posters were being a bit too harsh regarding his hanging out with friends. I''d be ok with my husband going on a yearly guy trip. But at the same time, things do change when you''re married. You assume that you''ll spend time together unless otherwise arranged. You have more couple and group friends. You have the right to say, ''Hey, I don''t want you to go out tonight, I haven''t seen you enough recently'' (as long as that''s true). But I don''t think that he can''t have any alone or guy time . . . just that the fact that he chooses too means, in a sense, that he isn''t choosing you.
Fully agree here.
I''d qualify it this way: Life doesn''t end when you meet someone else....or at least it shouldn''t. You should certainly put that other person first....but not only.
No one person can fulfill all the needs you will have. We turn to our girlfriends to seek comfort in ways that we couldn''t get anywhere else. We turn to our spouses to love us as no one else can. We turn to our parents for other things that no one else quite fits the bill on. Life should be like a vibrant painting with many different colors....not just one.
I was independent and fancy free when I met Rich...and I had been for YEARS. I have a VERY strong network of girlfriends....my "ya-ya" group.....and they fulfill pieces of me that Rich couldn''t even if he tried. There are some things he just won''t "get" because he''s not a girl.
I didn''t give that network up because I married him, and he knew I wouldn''t going into it. Nor did I expect him to give up his "guy" time or his need for alone time. It actually works out quite well for us....he gets plenty of alone time for him, and I get plenty of time to socialize with my friends. And, there''s lots for us to chat about together to fill each other in.
There are times when my girls are in crisis, and I go to them.....and Rich has to be on hold. There are times when Rich needs me most, and my girls have to be "on hold". It''s about finding the right balance, keeping in mind that your spouse is always #1. If both need me, I do my best to meet both needs, but Rich always comes first....if the situation reaches a "trump" situation, he trumps everyone else.
I used to see my friends every weekend prior to meeting Rich. I see them more bi-weekly now.....but I still see them *quite* often. He has his monthly (and sometimes more often) poker nights with the guys.
All of this said, if I needed him (sickness in the family, etc.) or if he needed me, either of us would suspend otherwise normal activities to concentrate on each other.....because we each come first to the other. I don''t think the fact that Becky''s BF has a guys weekend and a football weekend lined up are suggestive of disrespect or lack of caring on their own merit.....but I DO think that he''s not considering the fact they''re at a critical/crucial time, and perhaps normal behavior patterns (i.e. guys weekend) should be suspended in favor of attending to the pressing situation at hand.
I wish you luck, Becky (and Janine)
I think you are taking offense where absolutely none is intended, Janine.
Of course I wish he was here more often, and honestly, it really isn''t usually like this. We just hit on a string of things happening in succession that have taken him out of town for nearly an entire month. Typically, he''s out of town every other week for a couple days. So, the last few weeks of course I have been missing him a lot - we did the long distance thing for 3 years, so it''s like an odd reminder of what it''s like to date long distance again. But, I think having him out of town helps me find some clarity in what I want. And, honestly, it''s not really the ring or the wedding or the white dress that I want. Yes, all that stuff will be a big fat bonus. But, what I really want is the marriage, the partnership, a home that we come home to, a family with him, and maybe a dog. Him being gone reminds me of all that and just pushes it more the the forefront of my mind.
Exactly. Just stay true to what you really want and don''t give in. I think he is so used to you giving in that he thinks this shall pass too. That is why he doesn''t see all this as a crisis and he doesn''t think it is necessary to cancel his trip with his buddies. He knows you too well and he believes that in the end he will convince you to do what he wants you to do. His plan is to bring you to NC with him on Dec 1st so you can start getting excited about moving, eventhough it would be without a ring. I still think that the religious and cultural believes are big part of why he is so hesitant to get engaged.
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