Vent combined with guilt - FMIL and FI''s family in general

[NoID]

It''s taken me a long time to make the decision to post this, as these thoughts and feelings are so intimate, but it''s gotten to the point that I need to express them. I think you guys are very supportive of each other and I am hoping this forum can be a way to vent what I''m feeling.

Basically, I am getting fed up with all the problems my FI''s family has. And I feel guilty that I feel this way, because I know nobody asks to have the problems they have. I am lucky to have grown up without any major family problems, and to have parents who for the most part take care of themselves and haven''t needed any major help, financial or otherwise, from me. Ever since I met my FI 5 years ago the same problems had existed long before. Supposedly it all started when FI''s sister took the wrong path (alcohol, drugs, arrests, the works) and the family became consumed by her problems. The sister (who''s 34) has a daughter (15, who FI and I adore) who has for the most part been raised by FI''s parents. FI''s parents are the ones who clothed her, disciplined her, loved her, and took care of her more years than not. The sister has been and in out of the house, and every time she moves away to try to "better herself" she ends up coming back, hardly contributing, working on and off, not being much more of a parent figure than when she was away, and still having alcohol and possibly drug problems. FMIL has been depressed for a long, long time, and is basically the kind of person who very much has a victim mentality. I cannot tell you how much my FI has tried to help, and reach out, and do whatever he can. Things that to tell you the truth I think if it were my own parents I would not have had the patience and loving heart to do. My FI is one of those people that will do whatever it takes to help someone he cares about, many times at his own expense, whether it be his time or money or peace of mind. I''d like to think I''m a good person, but I am more selfish with my money, and my time, and definitely with my peace of mind. And I can honestly tell you that I, too, have been there for them, and have been understanding and supportive. But if I see that all you do is complain about the same thing for years, and do nothing to change it, I''m a lot less willing to help or to listen. From my perspective he has carried the weight of his family''s problems ever since he was a little boy, and to this day he is often put in the middle by both his parents. Don''t get me wrong: his parents are good, good people, and neither deserve to have any problems at all. But I see what their problems do to my FI, and to me, to us, and that is what I am venting about here. And to tell you the truth, if it''s not one complaint, it''s another. That may sound harsh based on the fact that these problems must be so painful for them, but after a while, it''s annoying because there seems to be no satisfying my FMIL (there, I said it). For example, I recall one Christmas, when the sister was away, and my FI and drove the 2 1/2 hours to be with them, and with our niece, brought presents for everyone and FMIL didn''t want to open them or celebrate because sister wasn''t there (she was away at the time). It didn''t bother me so much for how it felt for me (although I was pissed), but it was a kick in the stomach for how I felt it must have made my FI feel. We have sent money so often, have done so much to help, but the problems are so beyond what any human being could hope to try to fix on their own without their being a resolve from THEM to want to fix things. They basically allow the sister to do whatever it is because they don''t want to rock the boat. They still haven''t let us know if they''re coming to our wedding, either, which is only 3 months away. I resent that my FMIL can''t put her problems away long enough to make her son happy. Whenever she calls, I know it''s to tell FI about a problem, whether it''s that she needs money, or that the sister has fallen off the wagon again, or how she''s fed up with everything. She is so involved in her own problems she cannot even just leave him alone and let him enjoy the months leading up to his wedding in peace. FI has started to wonder outloud if his parents are going to come to the wedding at all.

Can you see my side of this at all, or do I seem completely selfish for feeling this way? I often wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was MY family who all the problems...how would FI be? Would he feel this way eventually too, or would he stop at nothing to help them, because he loves me?

 

[Gypsy]

Well. I think you are human. I don't hear anything but sorrow, frustration, and love for your fiance in your post.

I don't really have a lot of advice to offer. If you want honesty.... I think it's something that isn't going to change. I think, as you said, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves and who ENJOY being victims and continue to allow the sister to victimize them.

I think that you have two options, to work through this with your FI-- either together or in therapy and work out boundaries so that the situation doesn't impact your relationship as much.

Or to put him in a bad position having to chose between you and them. Which I REALLY don't hear you wanting to do.

So my best advice is to share this post, either in words or in writing with him, show him what's in your heart... and find a way to work through this together.

Bottling it up isn't going to work, it isn't healthy, and it will eventually explode on you. And though I think that you don't want to burden your FI further with YOUR feelings and problems, I think you have to... so that you can both work toward a solution together to help you both cope with this. I'm sure he's hurting too, and just sharing hurt and frustration can itself be theraputic.

((HUGE HUGE HUGS)).

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I agree with Gypsy, you need to tell him this in the best words you can find. You sound so hurt for him and I can understand why from what you''ve described. ((Hugs)) FI''s family sounds emotionally draining and I hope this doesn''t insult you, but in some ways kind of toxic. I know you can''t just ask him to cut off his family, but maybe he needs to bring up these issues with his family and tell them he is there for them but to stop putting everything on him. He can''t be there for everyone everyday all the time. One person can''t do everything.

 

[VRBeauty]

You might suggest al-anon or ACA (adult children of alcoholics) to your FI. Both of those groups are for people who are dealing with family drug use or alocohol issues. People who attend those meetings have been in your FI''s shoes. They aren''t there to give advice, but they can help your FI see the dynamics in his family more clearly. (He''d be welcome at most ACA meetings even if his parents are not the drinkers.)

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am in a VERY similiar situation and I can tell you soem things that might help.
First, it isn''t ever going to be ok without FI''s family getting professional help which they are unlikely to do. That doesn''t mean there is nothing you can do to make it easier.

One of the hallmarks of a disfunctional family is the lack of boundries between family members. You FI is the parent and your FMIL is the spoiled child. He doesn''t create boundries and so she takes advantage of that. What he needs to do is start being the parent (I know, it isn''t fair he has to, but that''s reality) and putting limits on his family. When she calls just to complain, he needs to calmly tell her "I really don''t want this negitivity in my life, say something positive" or "please call me back when you are in a better mood".
This will create tension, certainly with my FI, my FMIL said some truelly terrible things, but it helped and now she is much better behaved towards both of us.

Same with money. It isn''t selfish to not want to be supporting his parents. Not only is it completely inappropriate for parents to ask children for money, I am guessing that money is going to the FSIL. Set a budget with your FI or make sure he doesn''t give money without a repayment plan or have him physically buy things for his parents so the money isn''t misappropriated. There is no reason you should work hard to pay or their bad planning.

Don''t feel bad, a disfuntctional person will tend to turn their families in enablers until someone changes the dynamic and they then gravitate towards the new set up. Believe me, my mom had this problem and spent years in therapy to learn these leasons.

 

[Pandora II]

I can really sympathise.

My FI has a brother who got a girl he met on U-Date pregnant - they went on about 6 dates - she didn't tell him till 3 weeks before the birth...

He moved them in, total disaster as they never had a relationship to start with... they split up last month after 18 months of trying to make it work and both being deeply unhappy, he basically had to throw her and the baby out last week (he's crazy about the kid, can't fault him there). He had to do it as she was being completely unreasonable.

He then send all of us an email setting out his financial situation and what he is paying her etc and then says he needs all of us to support him. However, he spends money on really unnecessary things.

FI and his brother both earn good salaries, but FBIL got married last year and I get married in July, we live in London which is expensive (he lives in a cheaper city) and we all want to start families this year.

FMIL and FFIL have bailed him out in the past to the tune of $200k plus and goodness only how much from FBIL.

FSIL went nuts about it. My FI just says it's his brother's problem and if he's stupid enough not to use contraception then tough. FBIL is rather too soft hearted and as the eldest feels responsible for the situation.

FSIL told me today that she wants to move back to the USA (she's American) just so there is some distance between her husband and his family. I totally get where she is coming from. If FI was giving him money and basically enabling him then I would make him choose. I wouldn't be prepared to sacrifice the potential happiness of our family unit because of his brother's mess.

Your FI is I'm afraid enabling this situation. It is really sad that his mother seems to feel that his sister is THE most important person and doesn't consider other people's feelings. It can't be healthy for the child either.

Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. It's time for your FI to put his foot down. I would suggest that you either:

- Go to counselling to allow him to step back in a way he is comfortable with - and deal with his feelings.

- Move to another country/other side of country - preferably somewhere with no telephone!

I wish you luck and I really sympathise - families can be a nightmare. The important thing is you set boundaries. By marrying him, you inherit them and you have the absolute right to set out how things are going to be along with your husband.

 

[anchor31]

As I''m also very unfortunate to have a disfunctional family as future in-laws, I offer you my sympathy! It''s very difficult to have his family members rely on him for their happiness, and their abusive behaviour makes me very angry.

What advice I can give you is to set boundaries together. Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable together, make it known loud and clear and stick it to it. I don''t think anything else can work aside from therapy, but it sounds like your FI''s relatives are just as likely to go to therapy as my FI''s relatives.

I hope it works for you and that you can make the situation better for yourselves!

 

[NoID]

You have all been so kind to offer me your advice and perspective. Thank you Gypsy and Sarah for the hugs and for the suggestion about sharing my feelings with him. Throughout the years, and especially later in the relationship, I have shared many of my views with my FI, and I think since we've been together he has let things consume him a lot less. But he's got such a good heart. I think sometimes I hold back because I feel a little guilty not being as "nice" as he is. I sometimes say that my parents wish I was the kind of daughter FI is to his parents. And with someone else's family it's such a fine thread you're always walking, you know? I don't want to be a bad person, I want to do the right thing. But I am sick and tired of FI having to take on all these burdens.

We had actually suggested that his sister get treatment and looked into all kinds of options, only to be met with "who's gonna pay for it?" from both his parents. Definitely a reality, a lot of the stuff we had looked into was very expensive, and we didn't know the answer to that question either, but we felt we needed to do something. We even paid for two sessions with a therapist (it wasn't cheap) only to have FMIL look pissed off the whole time. I think they're so used to him being the savior for so long, that they take those kind of things for granted. You know how sometimes they say you can never repay all your parents have done for you? I think this is actually a case where the son has gone way above and beyond. In that meeting a lot of things were said to FI's parents about enabling, etc. That was like a year ago. Do you think anything changed? No.

I had never considered al-anon or ACA for FI, though, that is a great idea, thanks, minims.

You know, brazen_i_h, I have actually made those kind of suggestions to FI, about telling his mom those kinds of thing, and not to let her go on and on about all her problems. I don't think he's ever managed to say quite the words, but he has definitely learned to detach himself some. I've also suggested to FI to not just send money. To have him maybe pay for a bill, etc., but not just send money. I don't know if the money goes DIRECTLY to the sister, but EVENTUALLY, in some way or form, yes, that's where it ends up.

Pandora, he was going to counseling for a while, and I know many of the times he was there that's what he talked about, and it helped him a great deal. But he stopped going a long time ago (it isn't cheap!). Maybe I'll suggest he get started again. I think like I said above, I am sometimes so hesitant to say certain things, because I don't want to be the bad guy. I feel like it will be so obvious that it is my influence that makes him be less helpful, etc., the whole family will see me as a bad person, like I don't want him helping the family. We live fairly far away, which helps put some distance.

 

[sunnygirl]

Hi NoID,

I am so sorry to hear about the situation with your FI''s family. I don''t think you are being selfish at all - you are being protective of your FI. Like the others have said, it is important to be open about your thoughts with your FI (as it sounds like you have been). And I would suggest bringing it up regularly so that it can be a continued goal to set boundaries, etc. I also think therapy (for you as a couple) is a great idea. It is sometimes easier to lay it all out in front of a neutral party who can help guide the conversation and offer suggestions for both of you and "homework" assignments to work on. And it sounds like individual therapy has helped him before. Have you looked into options through your health insurance? Most health insurance companies offer some sort of mental health/therapy benefits if you go to people on their approved list.

I wish you the best and again I don''t think you are being selfish at all. And definitely set limits on the money issue - you two will be married and it will be YOUR money as a couple.

 

[NoID]

Anchor31, I must have missed your post earlier.

I really like your advice about setting boundaries together. We are going to be husband and wife soon, and we ourselves are a family unit too...

 

[NoID]

sunnygirl, thank you...you all are so wise, telling me things that are common sense yet I had not thought of. Like I just said to Anchor, we are going to be married soon, and we need to be a unit/team with everything. The money thing really bothers me, too, because FMIL always says she''ll pay back, but doesn''t...and then she''ll call and complain, and ask for money again...of course always mentioning how she knows we have bills and stuff, so she understand if we can''t. It''s manipulative...

 

[KimberlyH]

NoID,

Someone very close to me is in a situation much like the one you describe. This woman was unaware (perhaps decidedly so) until after they married how serious the situation is and it has caused them some serious difficulties in their marriage and the rearing of their child as they work towards balancing priorities (wife and child first, family second). I would highly recommend you seek couples counseling and work as a team to set boundaries for yourselves, as a couple, and find copping mechanisims for the issues that exist between you and your FI as a result of his family before it tears you apart. Much lesser things have broken up marriages.

My best to you,

Kimberly

 

[miraclesrule]

((((((((((((((((((NoID))))))))))))))))))<---------------lots of hugs

This is touchy subject. There are no easy answers or quick fixes. I was in the same situation as your FI and if it''s any consolation, as least you know that you are marrying a very kind and generous man with a heart of gold who finds it impossible to abandon the people he loves. I went through a very tumultuous 15 years with my father, who was gay and contracted AIDS in the early 80''s. My sister''s are on the other side of the country and I was the only one who could/would care for him. I promised I would. Neither of us ever imagined that he was going to live forever anyway. When he received what we thought was a death sentence, he was the most irresponsible person. He battled drug addiction and was manipulative and I can''t even begin tell you the time and money I had to invest in caring for him. At times I was racked with guilt because I resented him. After all, he never even paid my Mom child support and I couldn''t understand why I felt I needed to give up my life to put up with the medical issues, many of which wouldn''t have existed had he been a responsible person. I was also a single working mother, and he is probably why I am still single. He died last year so I have had a lot of time to reflect, but I just couldn''t imagine NOT being there. I suspect your FI feels much the same way. At times it seems that the guilt is more of a burden to bear than giving in and doing what one can to help your loved ones who can''t/won''t help themselves, especially family.

I have no wise advice, but I can lend an ear and support. The girls on this board are blessings for you during this time. In would be inexcusable for his parents not to attend your wedding and provide their loving son and you, his beloved, with anything but excitement and support. Unfortunately sometimes in life, there is no explanation for human behavior. But you have a gift in this man and he in you. Hug him tightly.

Peace

 

[NoID]

kimberly - yes, you are so right. And I think it's especially important for us because there is such a sharp contrast between FI and me. I am definitely more selfish with me. I'm helpful, and there's been a lot of times that I've gone out of my way for them, but I will only go so far...

miraclesrule - in some ways it is a consolation, but you know, sometimes it's a burden...because I don't have a heart of gold, and I'm not willing to put everything aside so we can help his family. But I do agree with you, it's a very touchy subject, and even I wouldn't want to "abandon" them. Although sometimes I have to be honest, I like not hearing anything about what's going on there for as long as possible. It feels good not to hear all the complaints...makes it feel like everything is OK, even though I know deep inside the problems haven't gone away. I also agree with what you said, that sometimes the guilt of NOT helping is worse than just going ahead and helping.

What you did for your dad...it's admirable, and I am glad that as you look back on that time, you're glad you were there.

And you're right -- it would be inexcusable for his parents to not be there for the son who has done so much for them. And for a while I kept telling myself, "of course they'll be there." But I need to confess something...part of the reason that prompted me to air my feelings is because I reached out to FMIL a couple of weeks ago. I sent her an e-m asking her whether they were coming to the wedding, that I understood all the problems going on, but that for FI's sake, that they make a decision and let FI know so that he can either enjoy these last few months being happy they're coming, or basically find a way to accept that they're not. She wrote back with a million complaints (all complaints I've heard about for the last 5 years) about what's going on with her, how nobody cares what she's going through, and how she's not trying to be difficult, that she'll get back to us soon and try to make us happy. It was basically a "poor me" e-mail. It's like does she fng realize this is her son's wedding? I was nice when I wrote back, and I acknowledged all the problems, but I basically told her that all I want is for this time to be as happy for FI as it could be, that I hope she could understand, and not to worry about making us happy, that as much as we'd like them there, we would never want her to make us happy at her expense.
No acknowledgement of anything about that on her part...no, of course I understand, this is a big day for you guys, nothing...all she did was tell me about a few MORE problems, as if she needed to step the problems up a notch, as if to say, "did you not hear all I've got going on"? So I'm not liking her very much right now. There's is NOBODY on this earth that I know that deserves his parents support and happiness on the day of his wedding than FI. And if they can't do that for him...well, I hope I am able to forgive them. Because I am definitely not happy with them right now.

 

[miraclesrule]

NoID, it''s totally normal the feelings that you are having. I would complete relish the times that my Dad was able to be self-sufficient and stayed as far away as I could, because I wanted to go as long as possible before the time I knew that it would roll around again and require intense time investment and money and stress. Unfortunately for me, he was vulnerable and lonely during those times and he would fall victim to unscrupulous people and screw up his insurance plan or something and BAM, I was having to get everything fixed.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are not a bad person just because you don''t think you have the capacity or tolerance that your FI has. IMO, that is compounding your guilt, thus your feeling ashamed. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You are a very tolerant person or you wouldn''t be marrying FI. (Unless he''s rich and you''re just a golddigger

)
Okay, I''m trying to make you laugh here...I hope that worked.

I think you have come to terms that you will be part of the MamaDrama no matter what, but she won''t be around forever.

Focus on the upcoming nuptials and how beautiful your day will be, with or without his family there.

 

[NoID]

miracles, thank you for your kind words, and for the laugh. You did make me laugh! And no, he's not rich!

I was planning on speaking with him tonight, and sharing the e-mails between me and FMIL with him. Partly because if I relay to him what went back and forth I am telling him how I see it from my perspective, and it may be more fair to actually show him the e-mails. Of course there's always the risk that he'll disagree on how I took some of her words, but in the end it may be more fair. And I sincerely feel that he will see it the way I do, and that I acted in an appropriate manner with her, and may even teach him how I basically ignored her complaints by acknowldedging but then moving right on. It does make a pretty powerful case for her "all about me" "poor me" attitude. I do not plan on bashing her to him, at all, but basically telling him very honestly how disappointed I am with this whole thing.

The other part of me was thinking of not telling him I e-mailed with her at all. Because if I did reach her, and she "wakes up" and they end up going to the wedding, I will rob him of the feeling that maybe they woke up on all their own. I can still tell him I'm disappointed with the whole thing, etc., w/o telling him that straight out, all she did was complain via e-mail directly to me. Do keep in mind, it is not at all a secret to FI that they may not be going to the wedding, and that especially FMIL doesn't want to go because of all the problems.

So he knows. But if I share the e-mail, I want it to be for the right reasons.

What do you think?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Even if he won''t admit it, deep down he knows they are unreliable and so explaining you gave the parents a push wouldn''t hurt. Besides, if he sees that, he may be more prepared to deal with their not coming. I know my FI would be upset if I was having problematic situations with his family and didn''t tell him.
More importantly, but not showing him, you are protecting them which they have not earned when showing him protects yourself. He has to uderstand you are marrying him, not his family. I know that sounds harsh, but you don''t want this to just keep getting worse until he has to choose between his family or you.

 

[NoID]

thanks brazen...

he is actually very aware of everything, and how she is a victim and wants everything handed to her. and like I said, he has learned to detach himself quite a bit. but he does fall for some of her tactics...like when she asks for money and then apologizes for asking, saying she knows we have a lot of bills...so he grabs on to that part as if she really means she hates to ask. If you hate to ask, don''t...other times she''ll say I know I haven''t called to see how you are...but eventually, if not during that call, within a few days, she''s complaining or asking for something...but he falls for the "sorry I haven''t called". I don''t pretend to even start to understand what it must be like to have a daughter who in her late 30s can''t even support herself and be a good parent, to be depressed for years on end and not want to be with her husband (she''s always saying how she wants to leave - always saying "I''ll leave when (insert deadline here)" but never actually doing it)....but I just wish she would leave her son out of it and let him be happy. To call him once in a while in a happy mood, just to say hello. To ask how the wedding plans are going. No matter when you talk to her, she''s got something to complain about.

Man -- can you tell I am angry? I am just so sad that my wonderful FI has to even DEAL with this crap.

 

[miraclesrule]

I trust your intention and your FI, so I think whatever you choose to do will be the right thing.
I''m glad i made you laugh. You need to focus on your new life, your FI and try not to focus on self-destructive family members who are INSANE...

Play the Beatles...
Love, love, love....hummming....love, love, love.....

 

[NoID]

it''s been a long time that I posted, and a lot of things have happened between now and then. my conversation with FI about my e-m exchange with his mom went well . he heard me out and didn''t even ask to see the actual e-mails. he thought I handled it well and understood every point I was making.

The latest thing that happened is that we sent a dress to our niece for her to wear to the wedding. I took a shot, and she ended up loving it and it fit her fine. Well, he asked his mom if she wouldn''t mind keeping the dress in the garage or somewhere where the smoke wouldn''t get to it. The whole smoking in the house thing has been a battle for a long time, and although FI has appealed to his dad to put his foot down and not allow the mom or the sister to smoke in the house, the dad doesn''t do anything about it (even though he hates smoking). FI has tried to appeal to his mom by pointing out to her how unfair it is that our niece is exposed to the smoke, etc. To no avail. The house stinks like cigarettes and my niece and her clothes reek of smoke. Anyway -- FI says that when he told her, her reaction was "sure, no problem, I''ll keep the dress in the garage." He was kind of surprised that she was so positive, so he started a conversation with her about it, and also asked her if she wouldn''t mind making sure to wash our niece''s clothing for the trip. I know as I''m writing this that from the outside, some of you may think, "wow, that''s pretty insulting." But if you could try to remember how involved my FI has been in his niece''s life, his battles with his mom, and sister, I think you could see our perspective. We didn''t think we were asking for too much (when she comes and visits us I just always wash all her stuff as soon as she gets to my house). I feel like FI fell for the (fake) "oh, sure, I''ll put it in the garage" and make the mistake to say more at that moment. He also asked her straight out if she was coming to the wedding, and she said she didn''t know, and he left it at that.

WELL.

A few hours later she sent him an e-m telling him that she didn''t think she''d have to burn all her clothes and everyone''s clothes, and buy new ones, for them to be accepted and welcomed at our wedding. How she''s sure we''re going to be embarrassed of her so she may as well not go. That was basically the gist of it.

He wrote her back quite a long letter. He said a lot of things to her that he has probably felt and thought for the last how many years. And as much as I thought there was nothing in there I wouldn''t have said, I did warn him that it was a pretty strong letter, and that he needed to prepare himself for a fallout and for her to come out swinging, and for probably the rest of the household, including his sister, to call him and tell him off. That he was probably going to feel pretty guilty at some point and that she may say certain things that will really pull @ his heart strings. But I did also tell him that maybe some of these things needed to be said, that maybe the most truth that has been exchanged for 20 years is in this letter. I told him I would support him no matter what he chose to do.

He sent it, and she''s pissed, basically telling him how she was planning to go, that why wouldn''t she want to go, but it isn''t easy, etc., with all the problems. How she''s extremely hurt, how he was the only person left on this earth that even understood a little bit what she''s going through, but that now he too is saying how she''s the cause of all the problems (he absolutely said nothing of the sort) she says it must be true that she is. I was pretty unmoved by her letter, only because I prepared myself mentally, but I am pretty sure I saw FI''s watering at some of the remarks. I am sure he was feeling guilty. It''s one of those situations when once you say certain things, you unleash a set of events you can no longer control. I feel for him, and I hope he doesn''t end up regretting saying some of the things he said and that he can look within himself and be OK with himself.

This is a sad day, a scary day. I feel like I don''t know what''s coming after this. I would appreciate your words and thoughts, and opinions.

 

[CJ2008]

NoID - I''m sorry to hear you guys are going through this. Where does the dad stand in all of this? I know we have a smililar situation with my FI''s mom and her smoking, and even though they don''t smoke in the house all the time, the smell still permeates. I think it''s easier to notice it when you don''t smoke. His mom''s smoking is the reason FI hates smoking so much. When I first met him I used to smoke very sparingly (just when I went to clubs or had a few drinks) but he hated it so much eventually I just stopped doing even that.

 

[NoID]

I don''t know, because it''s all been through e-m communication.

I''m just so kind of devastated right now...I am questioning myself...how is this going to affect the relationship with his family? I am sure FMIL thinks I have a lot to do with how he''s seein this. And I am sure I do. It''s like, would he have reached the conclusions he did were it not for my influence? Where does my influence end and his thoughts begin? Nothing like this has ever happened between them...he has always been loving, and caring, and he said some pretty strong things...

 

[brooklyngirl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My bff went through something very similar with her in-laws. Her husband doesn't really contact them anymore, and they blame her for it. It's very unfortunate, but that was the best decision for them.

This is going to sound harsh, but I think you and FI need wash your hands of this. You're starting your own family, and you just can't be bogged down with his parents never ending problems. It isn't like you haven't tried to help, but it's obvious that your FILs are taking advantage of FI and manipulating him. From your post it seems like the entire relationship is one-sided at best, and is hurting *your* own family. It's obvious that there is nothing you of FI can do to solve their problems, and worst of all in this case, all your efforts are trashed, and both of you are made out to be the bad guys. Perhaps the best way to deal with this is to let them figure things out on their own.

As far as FI's parents coming to the wedding... what sort of problems could possibly stop parents from attending their child's wedding? It's one afternoon; I can't image what it is that's making them question whether they can attend their son's wedding for one afternoon.

hugs and best wishes to you!

 

[NoID]

thank u so much for your words. I was feeling really desperate about this whole situation. I am a little more calm today. I reread her letters to him and quite frankly they sound selfish, much like the ones she wrote to me. Some of the right words are in there like "sorry" but the tone of letter doesn''t seem like she''s sorry at all.

the only thing about the wedding is that it isn''t down the block, it''s in the Dominican Republic, so it does involve taking a plane, getting a passport, etc. It''s more invovled, and costs more $. Of course not only did we give everybody over a year to plan, we offered to pay for some of their expenses, knowing they''re in a tough financial situation. They already told us they probably won''t be able to give us a wedding present. And you know what''s funny, we''re not even thinking about presents, but it''s annoying to hear that. I am SURE that at some point or another someone will make a comment that maybe if we really wanted there we would''ve had the wedding locally.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I am so sorry.

I am sure your wedding is going to be beautiful. If anyone does every say that to you (about having the wedding locally), will you do me a favor?

Tell them to f*** off.

It''s your wedding!! I swear, you and FI have bent over backwards trying to help his family it''s very clear to me. They are being very selfish.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 4/10/2008 12:39:38 PM
Author: NoID
thank u so much for your words. I was feeling really desperate about this whole situation. I am a little more calm today. I reread her letters to him and quite frankly they sound selfish, much like the ones she wrote to me. Some of the right words are in there like ''sorry'' but the tone of letter doesn''t seem like she''s sorry at all.

the only thing about the wedding is that it isn''t down the block, it''s in the Dominican Republic, so it does involve taking a plane, getting a passport, etc. It''s more invovled, and costs more $. Of course not only did we give everybody over a year to plan, we offered to pay for some of their expenses, knowing they''re in a tough financial situation. They already told us they probably won''t be able to give us a wedding present. And you know what''s funny, we''re not even thinking about presents, but it''s annoying to hear that. I am SURE that at some point or another someone will make a comment that maybe if we really wanted there we would''ve had the wedding locally.

I would highly doubt someone would say something like that. The wedding is about you and FI, not about parents/aunts/uncles/siblings, etc. If someone does have the nerve to say something like that, take it for the ignorance that it is, and move on!

My original point still stands, even if it''s not an afternoon, but a few days -- so what? You said that you would help them with expenses, and they still don''t think they can make it? IMHO if a mother wants to attend *her son''s wedding* there will be nothing to stop her from doing so.

Since you''re helping them out financially with this, then there must be something else that''s keeping her from attending the wedding. Is it the passport, or what? I''m just not understanding how they can so easily not attend their son''s wedding.

From your post it seems like she''s acting as if she''s doing you and FI a favor by attending; saying oh, well if I go I can''t get you a present, and even though you''re helping me I still can''t go, etc. Not every mother is so fortunate to have the opportunity to see her son get married, and for her to pass up the opportunity so easily is baffling. It seems like if she does attend she might make the wedding all about her, and possibly your FSIL.

You guys have gone above and beyond in making it comfortable and affordable for them to attend the wedding. If after all that they still "can''t" attend, then perhaps they''ve saved you some major wedding day (week) stress. Find out as soon as you can whether she is definitively going or not, this way FI can mentally prepare himself for the reality that his mother will not see him get married.

Like they say, every cloud has a silver lining -- maybe not having FI''s family at your wedding, and in your lives is your silver lining.

 

[NoID]

thank you sarah...

we''ll see how this whole thing turns out. The important thing is that both FI and I remain calm and try to remain objective. I definitely want to make sure we''re fair, and that if there is anything he said in that letter he shouldn''t have, or should have said differently, that we acknowledge it. As much as possible we need to look at this situation somewhat from the outside, rather than be influenced by the guilt of FMIL saying she''s hurt, and how she thought she was a better mother than that, etc. It''s easy to get sidetracked by those kinds of things and forget the issues at heart.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I agree, you''re handling it really well. Just try to stay the strong, mature person. Maybe cursing them out isn''t the best idea.

Hehe.

 

[NoID]

brooklyngirl, I love you right now. you sound as pissed off as I feel. it feels good to have my feelings validated, even if sometimes I think to myself "have I left something out on this board, have I been fair in how I described the situation, so that I don''t just get the feedback I want to hear?" I think for the most part I totally have, although I realize my perception of the situation is already influenced by who I am.

But thank you, really. As much as I''ve been honest with my FI about how I feel I am still tactful and can''t express myself quite as harshly as I do with you guys.

You''ll be surprised at what people''s reactions are when you tell them you''re getting married "far" away. We''d have people ask us "why there, do you have family there?" (knowing full well we don''t). And people have made comments that it''s far, that not everyone can make that kind of a trip, etc. Comments are said in passing, but they have been made. I think it takes a lot of nerve to make those kinds of comments to someone, even if inside yourself you''re like "what the f, the last thing I need is to spend X to go to their wedding."

there have been all kinds of reasons given for them thinking they may not attend the wedding...not being able to give us a present, not being able to afford tickets, not having the $ to do the passport, not having $ in general, not wanting to leave the sister in the house by herself because they don''t trust her (she definitely may not be able to go), etc. We''ve been hearing one reason or another for about a year. Like I said, they definitely have deeply rooted problems, as I said also, FMIL has been depressed for a long time, not comfortable around people, etc. So I am sure the last thing she wants to do is have to be somehwere for a couple of days surrounded by people. As I said we''re about 3 months away and we still don''t know what the answer is, but she is appalled that we think she might not go, and how could he think that of her. I am sure she didn''t like it at all that I asked her a couple of weeks ago, even though I said several times that I hoped she understood where I was coming from. I explained to her that all I wanted was for FI to either be happy and relax (if she''s going) or just have the time to prepare himself mentally for her not going. If she could put herself aside for a minute she could understand how her son''s future wife may want to protect him.

that is exactly how it feels, like she''s doing us a favor. even in her responses to me, she said something about "but don''t worry, I''ll do what I need to make you guys happy."

i''ll be honest with you, I am hoping at this point that she doesn''t go. i don''t even want to talk to her right now, much less worry about how she''s going to be/act at the wedding. i feel a bit guilty for saying that, but i''m not feeling too great about them right now. i want only the best for FI, but at this point i''d rather her not go.

we certainly have gone way above and beyond to make this wedding not be a hassle for them, in ways i have not even expressed here, believe me. even with our help, can they still afford it? no, probably not. that''s why we gave such ample notice. but i didn''t see an effort on their part to plan, to save, to do anything except now in the last couple of months. i realize that not everyone is a planner, but damn, this is your son''s wedding.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I think you're absolutely right in feeling the way you do. I don't know whether you have left anything out, but I certainly understand where you're coming from. I went through this with my bff. The short version of what happened to her:
Shortly after bff and her dh (to be referred to here as dh) began dating, he moved in with her at her parents' house, and her parents supported both of them while they went to school. Dh's parents took this as her family "buying" him out, and have been pretty nasty to bff. Ffwd to their engagement: Bff and dh went to buy her ring with her parents. Her parents decided they wanted to contribute to the ring as an engagement gift. When they announced their engagement, all dh's mom wanted to know was why they didn't invite her to shop with them for the ring, and how much it cost, and that it was too expensive. When dh mentioned to her that bff's parents contributed, she went nuts and said how awful it was that her parents bought bff her e-ring, and how dh should be ashamed. They still mention that bff's e-ring was bought by her parents, and how awful that is to dh's sister (3 years later). Later that year dh's sister passed away, and bff decided that she didn't want a wedding and got married 4 months later at the courthouse, with a quiet dinner with immediate afterwards. Well, dh's parents and grandparents did not attend, citing that it hasn't been a year since the sister's death (it's jewish custom to not attend parties for a year after a relatives death) -- there was no party, just a civil ceremony and a quiet dinner. Several months later bff finds out that dh's grandparents attended the birthday party of their friend, which was a real party with dancing and all. When she asked dh's mother about it she said, well they are their dear friends, and they could not say no to the invitation

. As if you could say no to your grandson's wedding invitation

.

The point I am trying to make with this is that I completely see where you're coming from, which why I sound so PO'd. It's really hurtful when parents don't act the part. As far as your FMIL is concerned, judge her by her actions, not by her words. It's very easy to come up with excuses for why you can't do something. But what really shows a person's intentions are their actions, and what they do in spite of their circumstances.

On the topic of tact with FI, don't be tactful. You are about to become his wife, and if there is anyone in the world you should be candid with it's your dh. He will understand where you're coming from. I'm sure he'd be pretty angry if he saw people hurting you (you can put it that way if he doesn't get the picture).

How is FMIL appalled that you guys think she will not go if she said herself that she will not go?? If she's so sure she's going she should say so, and you and FI should call her on that. If they can't afford to all go, maybe one parent can go while the other watches the sister? Maybe dad can go or mom can go alone. They can stay a 2 nights, come to the wedding, and be on a plane back home the morning after, if money really is the issue. Since the wedding is 3 months away, they need to know definitevly if they will go because waiting is not going to make plan tickets any cheaper, and let's not forget about the passport that still needs to be issued. If she doesn't know at this point if they are going, then I don't see how they *can* go without plane tickets, a hotel room, and a passport. At this point you should assume that she isn't attending, and if she ends up going, then great, but definitely prepare yourselves for her not being there.

No, not everyone is a planner, but a mother who who expects to attend her son's wedding will plan even a year in advance to make sure she gets there.

One last thing about people who make dumb comments about your wedding location; I don't think they mean any harm, they're probably thinking that it sucks that it's far away because they can't go. Besides there's a reason people have destination weddings: it's to reduce the guest list, and the drama associated with a wedding in their home town. So, take the comments with a grain of salt

Best of luck to you!