We need a new listkeeper...

[anchor31]

I am so shocked and so sorry. Finally you got the answers to your questions... But it''s certainly not the kind of answer we were all hoping you would get.

Stay strong, and do what''s right for you. Big hugs and prayers coming your way.

 

[sunshine14]

Becky...while I''m really sorry to hear about this, I too am glad that you found out now and not 10 years and 2 kids down the road. At least you are now able to start over (when you are ready of course).

I also think counselling is a great idea...considering everything it will be nice to talk to a professional who understands and who can reaffirm that this had NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with him. I mean...I''m sure your friends and family will say that, but its nice to hear from a professional of course.

Take care and come back if you need support! P''scopers are here for you!

 

[bellah]

Oh Becky

I''m so so sorry to hear this. After all the patience you gave him, I''m just so angry and heartbroken for you that this has happened. When I read the title I was so excited in the hope that your (ex) bf had finally realised what I wonderful thing he had and had proposed to you. I cant even imagine how you are feeling but from the sounds of things you are being very rational, strong and mature. I think moving back to your support system is a great idea. I hope they shower you with love and laughs.

Once again, I''m so sorry. After everything you sacrificed for him with the moves and all, this just isn''t fair. At least you know now I guess.. and when you are ready to date again any man is going to be so blessed to have you and you will treasure him all the more.

You take care lovely Becky and thank you for sharing this with us, that took guts and I applaud you xx

 

[Rosebud8506]

Becky, soooooooo sorry to hear how this ended.

I remembered your story for what has been almost a year now...

Be strong and def. talk to someone about this.

 

[redfaerythinker]

There is nothing that can be said at a time like this. Your posts seem so strong and together but if you''re anything like me you mght not be so together on the inside. When my dad died a few weeks ago I was exactly like you... for many reasons I was glad he died when he did (numerous health issues) but it was still a shock. Most people thought that I took it really well but I was dying on the inside. It''s really important that you can find someone to talk to whether it be a councelor or friends and family. I fully support your move too you need to be with the ones that love you. All that being said... don''t vanish off the board. We want to hear about your life! You''re in my thoughts and prayers

 

[Haven]

Oh Becky, I''m so sorry to hear this. Of course everyone is right when they say better it should happen now, and I know from my own experience 5 years ago that when a serious relationship ends, no matter how right you know it is to end it, there is still a mourning period.

Take the time you need to mourn the end of one part of your life, and then grab your girlfriends for some drinks to celebrate the next chapter!

You know we''re here for you if you need to talk.

Big hugs.

And Megs--I''m so sorry to hear about your loss. Big hugs to BOTH of you.

 

[Becky P]

Date: 7/23/2007 7:09:53 PM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 7/23/2007 6:27:22 PM
Author: decodelighted
I was just reading today the latest issue of New York mag, an article about Married Men trolling for gay sex on Craigslist etc -- how the internet makes living these double lives CONVENIENT!!

So true. And so very scary. A friend prompted me to check out the ''M4M'' section of craigslist, and you would be amazed....AMAZED....at how many men post on there that are married and are looking for a discrete hook-up. But don''t do what I did and click on an ad with photos....

I don''t think these men know the danger they are putting their wives in. Diseases like HIV are still very rampant in the gay community. And if you look at that section compared to, say, Women looking for men, or even women looking for women, it is COMPLETELY different. These men are looking to hook up, and nothing else. I''d say 1 out of 100 are trying to find a life partner on there. So unsafe...for everyone! It''s like some underground infatuation spell that these men are under. Is it the thrill of getting caught? The thrill of doing something dangerous? I really don''t get it...but it''s scary.

NO! lol Definitely do NOT click on an ad with photos! Unless you want to see all kinds of crazy body parts and things - it''s really rather disgusting.

 

[Becky P]

Date: 7/23/2007 1:18:58 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Oh Lordy. That IS a bombshell. Thank goodness you found out now, as you say, before you have kids.

Have you confronted him? And how did he react?

Cheating is cheating, whether it''s with another woman or with men. Deception is deception. He lied to you, undermined your confidence in yourself, potentially endangered your health, made you move multiple times, and made YOU live a lie without your even knowing it. If this makes any sense: I UNDERSTAND why he behaved this way but I still absolutely DEPLORE It. What a frakking a$$hole.

I can tell you from experience of being spectacularly deceived by someone I loved that getting some counseling ASAP is a very, very good idea. One of my worries was whether I''d ever be able to fully trust someone again. I can tell you that when you find the right guy, with some real work on your part, you will be able to trust him and you WILL feel better!

Lots of HUGS!

We are in the midst of discussions. When I first found my first clue, I charged a ticket to Chicago on him. I was planning on staying an entire week, but after I snooped and found out more and more, I had to get home to talk about this ASAP! I got home around midnight on Sunday. We talked last night, but I did most of the talking. I just want to throttle him and throw him through the window, but I have many friends who are gay, and I can''t just say come out you mother ***. So, I speak slowly and quietly so I can say what I mean. I told him that I found everything, that I know everything, things that he probably never wanted anyone to find out. I told him that I need for him to talk to me about everything, starting from the beginning, and that we both need to go get counseling. He told me yesterday that he did go to counseling a few years back - he was going twice a week for almost a year - he said it helped, but clearly it didn''t change anything. I don''t think he''s been honest with himself yet. He is such a guys guy, football, beer, boobs, etc. And, I don''t think any of his friends would accept him, and his family would disown him. So I think he''s been trying to have the *right* reactions and the *right* impulses, but you can''t change what''s deep down inside. The desires and impulses are just there, he can''t change them.

So, we (rather I) talked last night. We''re both working today. He told me that he will tell me everything this afternoon/evening. So, I imagine that it''s going to be one loooong, drawn out night. You all remember how hard it is to get him to talk about anything serious, so I''m sure this evening is not going to be easy on either of us.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. It''s going to be a long, tough road here.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey Becky, I meant confronting him about systematically deceiving you and cheating on you with lord knows how many people. He treated you with tremendous disrespect by cheating, lying to you every day of your lives together, and endangering your health (doesn''t matter if he''s cheating with lots of men or lots of women, having casual sex with many partners is DANGEROUS! And make sure you get tested for everything, not just HIV).

People who''ve been really badly treated sometimes to try to rationalize and understand the behaviour of the person because it''s just too hard to admit that someone could treat you THAT badly. But no matter how confused a person is, there is NO excuse for deception and lies over years and years. It may be understandable, but it''s NEVER excusable.

So let yourself feel furious at him! You''ll feel better than if you just bottle it up. This is not the time to take care of him or try to help him, although I understand that instinct all too well. It''s not your job to help him feel good about being gay. He''s a grown man and has to take responsibility for his CHOICE to ACT on having a double life. A person with integrity chooses one life (lots of casual sex) or the other (a commited relationship) or neither. To do both is to devalue you tremendously. It doesn''t matter the genders involved.

He has treated you like dirt. Deception is a truly terrible thing. Let yourself be angry! Whenever that''s comfortable for you of course. Then pack your stuff and get the heck out!

Lots of warm wishes your way. Keep us posted if you feel up to it.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I haven''t read the full thread yet but I have to say I''m so sorry Becky and you''re in my thoughts. I''m happy to take over as list-keeper if no one else has offered. I haven''t been checking PS all that much lately. I had a little case of LIW''itis a few weeks back and my bf grounded me from PS. He says it makes me crazy and obsessed with getting engaged. However, this is the perfect excuse to start my habit up again! Hehehe. God, this website is SUCH an addiction. So if there are no other takers, I''ll do it.

HH

 

[janinegirly]

becky, good luck with it all tonight--we''ll all be thinking of you.

the more i think about it, the more angry i''m at him--i don''t know how you stay so composed! even though it''s a double life, and there''s no easy way out for him--he seems highly manipulative and self serving..to the point that it endangers other people! i think he even decided to date you based on how easy going and believing you are! and now, i bet he will go into survival mode and say whatever to ensure you never tell anyone, especially his family.
this is the time to look out for YOURSELF, do/say/behave in anyway that allows you some peace with this situation (as hard as that is). don''t worry about his predicament, b/c i''m sure he''s looking out for himself just fine and covering his tracks--just as it''s clear he has from day 1, at your expense!

hang in there, and let us know how you''re doing. each day that passes is a day closer to the life/person you deserve!

 

[Ellen]

Becky, everything I would say here has already been said.

I''m really sorry for you this happened, but so glad you found out. Please take care.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Wow, I just read the full thread. Once again, I''m so sorry that you had to face this. Many people on this board are right, he lied, manipulated, cheated, and put your health and well-being at risk. That''s unforgivable. That being said, you loved and cherished this man as a lover and friend for a long time. You may not be lovers any more and it might be hard to even consider him a friend, but it sounds like he''s in a very difficult stage in his life and a friend is what he needs most of all. Remember, his life was just shattered too and he''s probably very torn between doing what''s right morally and doing what is right for him. Unfortunately you got tangled in the middle of that tug of war.

Please don''t take this as me taking his side. I think what he did was wrong and twisted, but he needs help and support and if he feels comfortable confiding in you and you can look at the situation objectively, then what''s the problem? I think counseling for both of you, individually and maybe even together. It will give both of you an opportunity to express your feelings in a non-threatening environment.

Best of luck and warm wishes.

 

[KimberlyH]

Becky,

How are you doing this morning?

~K

 

[Becky P]

Date: 7/24/2007 9:29:49 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Wow, I just read the full thread. Once again, I''m so sorry that you had to face this. Many people on this board are right, he lied, manipulated, cheated, and put your health and well-being at risk. That''s unforgivable. That being said, you loved and cherished this man as a lover and friend for a long time. You may not be lovers any more and it might be hard to even consider him a friend, but it sounds like he''s in a very difficult stage in his life and a friend is what he needs most of all. Remember, his life was just shattered too and he''s probably very torn between doing what''s right morally and doing what is right for him. Unfortunately you got tangled in the middle of that tug of war.

Please don''t take this as me taking his side. I think what he did was wrong and twisted, but he needs help and support and if he feels comfortable confiding in you and you can look at the situation objectively, then what''s the problem? I think counseling for both of you, individually and maybe even together. It will give both of you an opportunity to express your feelings in a non-threatening environment.

Best of luck and warm wishes.

No, I don''t see it as you taking his side at all. Because, that''s kind of how I see things right now. I''ve got this girlfriend hat, and girlfriend Becky is SOOO pissed and wants to grrr I don''t even know what. But the Becky who''s been his friend for forever and a day, who knows everything about him and about his life (at least now I do) can see that his life has been shattered too. My friends don''t understand that I can have feelings both ways, and it''s confusing to me that I do feel this way, but I can''t help it.

Other friends of mine have had boyfriends (or fiances) cheat, and they went crazy, slashed tires, put ads in his local papers, all that stuff. That''s just not me.

Plus, I think that the reason I can see this from two angles is because of the amount of time we''ve known each other. After nearly 10 years, I know him (knew him) pretty darn well...

 

[Becky P]

Date: 7/24/2007 9:36:57 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Becky,

How are you doing this morning?

~K

I feel pretty numb this morning. The last few days I''ve been going through pretty much every emotion possible, so I''m sure I''ll be sad or angry or whatever at some point today, but right now it''s still just so surreal.

The saddest part is watching all the plans, hopes, dreams just go right down the river. Trips that were planned, the house, the kids, the everything. That''s when I get the saddest - when I think about everything that was going to be, and now it just never will be...

 

[Aloros]

Oh Becky, hang in there. I know what you mean about the dying of all your plans, your dreams. I ended a five and a half year relationship, and that was the worst part. It gets better, I promise you. And you''ll find someone to build those dreams with again, someone who treats you right and treasures you so much.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/24/2007 10:23:50 AM
Author: Becky P

Date: 7/24/2007 9:36:57 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Becky,

How are you doing this morning?

~K

I feel pretty numb this morning. The last few days I''ve been going through pretty much every emotion possible, so I''m sure I''ll be sad or angry or whatever at some point today, but right now it''s still just so surreal.

The saddest part is watching all the plans, hopes, dreams just go right down the river. Trips that were planned, the house, the kids, the everything. That''s when I get the saddest - when I think about everything that was going to be, and now it just never will be...

The only thing I can think to say is I''m so sorry. I''m sorry this happened to you and I''m sorry that the life you envisioned isn''t what will be. In time I''m sure you''ll get to a place where you won''t miss what might have been, you''ll be thankful, in a strange way, for the discovery you made as it stopped you from spending one more minute of one more day with him hoping for things that can never be.

Please take a friend with you when you get tested, and do something fun afterwards, go out to lunch/dinner/ice cream/drinks (or do all of those things and more!).

You are in my thoughts.

 

[janinegirly]

becky, oh hang in there girl. the loss of the image of the future is the worse part, but i suppose keep reminding yourself it was never going to be a reality, so none of this was within your control. and you will have that future, just with someone more appropriate.

i understand that you feel that you know/knew your bf so well after 10yrs, but reality is sometimes (even after decades),we discover that we really never knew the ones closest to us. i think the person you think you know and the person he is is likely completely different, even moreso than appears now. who knows about the details you haven''t uncovered?? look out for yourself!!

 

[luckystar112]

I think the scariest part is the fact that you think you know someone, when really you have no idea. I mean, this could be MY boyfriend...This could be anyone''s boyfriend. Mine likes beer, boobs, and sports too! It''s hard for him to have serious conversations, too! (and actually he''s pretty homophobic, which in any other instance I''ve considered a red flag, but in his case I''ve just blamed on the fact he grew up in rural Virginia.) I''m not saying my boyfriend is hiding a double life on me, but who knows? ya know? For any girl out there.

 

[Independent Gal]

It''s VERY normal to feel confused like that and see both sides. The important thing is to let yourself feel angry when you''re ready. That doesn''t mean you have to slash tires! But it might mean that he should be a gentleman and sit still while you yell "HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME?!" for an hour or two. Trust me, it helps. What he did was understandable but OH so wrong.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/24/2007 9:29:49 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
It sounds like he''s in a very difficult stage in his life and a friend is what he needs most of all. Remember, his life was just shattered too and he''s probably very torn between doing what''s right morally and doing what is right for him. He needs help and support and if he feels comfortable confiding in you and you can look at the situation objectively, then what''s the problem?

Well -- I can see a lot of problems with this scenario in terms of BECKY''s recovery & healing

Would you advise a sexual assult victim help her abuser through his guilt? His legal problems? Should a partner defrauded in a biz deal stick around and help the felon with his tax problems? I think not. But that''s just my opinion.

It''s also my opinion that it''s not Becky''s J-O-B to help this "man" through his "big life change". It''s Becky''s J-O-B, and ONLY responsiblility to HELP HERSELF in each and every possible way. It''s daunting ENOUGH to work through her own pain & outrage & dashed dreams ... without feeling like a bad person if she doesn''t kiss his psychic boo-boos. He''s a grown MAN. Let him get another counselor to offer "help & support". He didn''t even TELL HER he knew he needed one!!!! Going twice a week??? I can''t even believe the extent of his lies and self-serving, cruel, unthinking, cold-hearted actions. EMOTIONAL FRAUD![/b]

 

[btrflygrl23]

Dear Becky P,

I don''t know you very well at all as I am pretty new to PS but I feel PS is a wonderful, supportive, community and in that spirit I offer you my ear as well as all the rest should you need a place to vent or just sound off or even e-cry. I''m so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and you are in my thoughts and prayers from now on. I hope you do get counselling it can really help and I hope he does too (living a lie for so long can fragment a life to its core, not taking his side here just saying is all, I know you are the one that was hurt so very badly in all of this).
I know in time you will be able to move on and into a new and great relationship. I also really, really hope that your health has not been compromised in any way at all. Good for you for having such a strong head on your shoulders during this difficult time and realizing that you need to take the proper tests. You sound like a very caring, intelligent, and trusting soul who was douped by love but love isn''t like that all the time and you seem really strong and will get through it. Please don''t leave PS but lean on us for support but I''m sure you know this already.

Take very good care and you will be in my thoughts

 

[gladyskristen]

Becky, my heart breaks for you.

Pls be strong and do take good care of yourself!

 

[poshpepper]

Date: 7/24/2007 10:23:50 AM
Author: Becky P

Date: 7/24/2007 9:36:57 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Becky,

How are you doing this morning?

~K

I feel pretty numb this morning. The last few days I''ve been going through pretty much every emotion possible, so I''m sure I''ll be sad or angry or whatever at some point today, but right now it''s still just so surreal.

The saddest part is watching all the plans, hopes, dreams just go right down the river. Trips that were planned, the house, the kids, the everything. That''s when I get the saddest - when I think about everything that was going to be, and now it just never will be...

I am so sorry

I cannot imagine how you are feeling.
I wish you the best and hope that you put this all behind you. Obviously you deserve someone better... in situations like this its hard to think that everything happens for a reason, but I am a big believer in that. It may take you years to figure out the reason... but there is one.
Again, I wish you the best

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Deco, I would never condone an assault victim to help her abuser through his guilt or aid and abet a criminal. I feel this is a different situation entirely. 1. It wasn''t illegal. But yes, what he did is emotional fraud.

I''m not saying she should stick around to see what happens and stay with him. Quite the opposite in fact. There''s no going back from a betrayal like this. I know it, you know it, and Becky knows it. Their relationship as they knew it is over. However they were together for a very long time. And if I were in her position I would have a hard time abandoning him in a time of crisis like this. The most important person in his life found out about his deepest, darkest secret---Something he obviously felt ashamed and conflicted about. I don''t think this even had anything to do with her. He''s facing an identity crisis, and him going to therapy shows that he was trying to work through it responsibly. Was it responsible for him to not tell her he was carrying on like this? No, it wasn''t. It''s disgusting that he did that. But we''ll never know what he was feeling, he probably doesn''t even know. People do crazy things to maintain a sense of comfort and security. My bf stayed in a relationship for 8 years for that reason. Because it was comfortable and safe and he was invested in the relationship. Even though he wasn''t in love with his ex and she wasn''t in love with him. Most people are guilty of this at some point in their lives.

And you''re right, it''s not her job or obligation to stay there to help him. But if I were in her position I would feel a responsibility as a friend to be there to help support him while he goes through this. This is NOT condoning his actions, I''m simply giving insight into what I would do if I were in her situation. That''s why I said if she could look at the situation objectively and reccommended that they get counseling individually and maybe even together. She would then have a safe and secure environment to express her feelings to him and discuss the situation. Expressing the emotion of betrayal and everything else Becky is feeling could be the closure that she needs and make him see just what his actions brought about.

 

[Efe]

Date: 7/24/2007 12:02:49 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/24/2007 9:29:49 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
It sounds like he''s in a very difficult stage in his life and a friend is what he needs most of all. Remember, his life was just shattered too and he''s probably very torn between doing what''s right morally and doing what is right for him. He needs help and support and if he feels comfortable confiding in you and you can look at the situation objectively, then what''s the problem?

Well -- I can see a lot of problems with this scenario in terms of BECKY''s recovery & healing

Would you advise a sexual assult victim help her abuser through his guilt? His legal problems? Should a partner defrauded in a biz deal stick around and help the felon with his tax problems? I think not. But that''s just my opinion.

It''s also my opinion that it''s not Becky''s J-O-B to help this ''man'' through his ''big life change''. It''s Becky''s J-O-B, and ONLY responsiblility to HELP HERSELF in each and every possible way. It''s daunting ENOUGH to work through her own pain & outrage & dashed dreams ... without feeling like a bad person if she doesn''t kiss his psychic boo-boos. He''s a grown MAN. Let him get another counselor to offer ''help & support''. He didn''t even TELL HER he knew he needed one!!!! Going twice a week??? I can''t even believe the extent of his lies and self-serving, cruel, unthinking, cold-hearted actions. EMOTIONAL FRAUD![/b]

Very well said Deco. He would only be further abusing her if he were to now rely on her for emotional support and it would in no way help Becky move forward. Hugs to you Becky and my best wishes.

 

[janinegirly]

gotta say i agree with deco too. honestly don''t think becky''s bf is a very good person at all. nothing to do with his lifestyle, but with how he went about it. he deceived becky and had no intention of ever telling her. she was simply a veil for his secret life, no matter how it affected her. if she hadn''t have snooped, we have every reason to believe he would have married her, just so he could keep his family happy and his facade protected. i believe he selected becky based on her personality traits (trusting, at times naive) so as to best suit his needs.
becky''s life meanwhile would have been ruined had she not have discovered all of this. in fact, she has already lost some crucial years (not that it''s too late). her bf is solely responsible and accountable (not that I think he will see it that way) and the fact that he had NO intention of ever being honest, reveals a deceptive and destructive/self absorbed personality. i''d run far far away from that and not spend a second thinking about what he''s going through.

 

[luckystar112]

But Becky said that he was bisexual, not homosexual....so we can''t completely dismiss the possibility that he might have truly cared about her. Unless, he said that only as a way to make her feel better.

We can''t assume that he was just using her, and that those six (?) years meant nothing to him. Because, if we think like that, and he was just using her, than why didn''t he just marry her? Or why even be with her in the first place? Doesn''t his family live in another state? They would have no clue what he is up to.

I think that this talk is going to be a great way for her to vent to him, but at the same time get closure by talking it out with him. Then, I''d say "buh-bye" and hop on the first plane to Chicago.

 

[janinegirly]

i'm not really following your logic luckystar. b/c he was bisexual, he must've cared for her with his "straight" side while the other side cheated? i mean no matter how you spin this, it's bad.
did he care for her? sure maybe in own his mind, but by anyone else's standards, you do not care for someone by keeping them close enough to serve your purpose (to provide a facade for society and his family) but not close enough to allow the person to feel happy (never let her live with him, but let her uproot and follow him..twice). you do not cheat on them and allow them to believe a lie that you KNOW will never be. He kept her close enough to think he might marry her SOON, but not too close that he actually did marry her or make concrete steps forward. Of course he would delay marriage as long as possible--b/c at that point she'd be living with him and have more chance of discovering his true "personal" life.

Yes his family lives out of state, but if they are v. traditional, they would soon wonder why their son was single and no girlfriend in site. Becky provided just the right distraction. Convenient that she wasn't "approved" by his family for religious reasons--so that he had that excuse in case anyone wondered why he dragged his feet so long.
i'm only an outsider, but to me it's clear that he did use her to keep his ruse going. anyway, i don't want to make poor becky feel worse. She is hanging tough and will do the right thing for herself, who is the only person that she should be worried about at this point! I hope she receives some clarity tonight.