When enough is enough - mental illness

[Jambalaya]

I'm know I took a hard line in my reply about your daughter, but I do think you have to save yourself. I am horrified to hear you have health troubles on top of all the stress with your daughter. And that woman she's hanging around with? Jesus. You know, I've had friends I've broken up with because of their bad choices with the company they keep, because that company becomes your company.

I know your daughter has mental troubles but once of my pet peeves is seeing children who have been lavished with love and care grow up, turn round and treat their parents as if they don't matter, as if their lives and their feelings are nothing.

I think at this point, it's a choice between her or you, and it sounds as if you're choosing yourselves, thank God. As for parental obligation, it stops at 18, and anything after that is optional. And your daughter is well beyond 18.

I am so sorry for the loss of hopes and dreams regarding your daughter and family life, but that's just the way it is for some folks. I have these issues in my family, too. You did your very best and the both of you sound like incredible, saintly, endlessly loving parents. With someone who has uncontrollable mental illness, sadly I don't think those traits get you anywhere, but doing your best by her for a very long time was of course the right thing to do. Now you deserve some peace and happiness. I know what you're talking about with "that" phone call - that thought is often what keeps families giving and giving and giving. Well, with my family members, I got to the point where I thought, I have done everything possible to help this person and they are like a barrel with a bottom full of holes - all the love and care and help I pour into them just pours out through the bottom, it's completely hopeless, so if that call comes, so be it. I did everything I could and a thousand times more, and their lives are their choice. I literally got to the stage where I just could not care any longer and had to save myself.

Peace and happiness to you.

 

[House Cat]

I'm know I took a hard line in my reply about your daughter, but I do think you have to save yourself. I am horrified to hear you have health troubles on top of all the stress with your daughter. And that woman she's hanging around with? Jesus. You know, I've had friends I've broken up with because of their bad choices with the company they keep, because that company becomes your company.

I know your daughter has mental troubles but once of my pet peeves is seeing children who have been lavished with love and care grow up, turn round and treat their parents as if they don't matter, as if their lives and their feelings are nothing.

I think at this point, it's a choice between her or you, and it sounds as if you're choosing yourselves, thank God. As for parental obligation, it stops at 18, and anything after that is optional. And your daughter is well beyond 18.

I am so sorry for the loss of hopes and dreams regarding your daughter and family life, but that's just the way it is for some folks. I have these issues in my family, too. You did your very best and the both of you sound like incredible, saintly, endlessly loving parents. With someone who has uncontrollable mental illness, sadly I don't think those traits get you anywhere, but doing your best by her for a very long time was of course the right thing to do. Now you deserve some peace and happiness. I know what you're talking about with "that" phone call - that thought is often what keeps families giving and giving and giving. Well, with my family members, I got to the point where I thought, I have done everything possible to help this person and they are like a barrel with a bottom full of holes - all the love and care and help I pour into them just pours out through the bottom, it's completely hopeless, so if that call comes, so be it. I did everything I could and a thousand times more, and their lives are their choice. I literally got to the stage where I just could not care any longer and had to save myself.

Peace and happiness to you.

Be careful J. The people you're talking about are our kids, not a distant relative or a fictitious person.

The children being discussed in this thread have serious mental disorders that are affecting their judgment. They aren't overly spoiled children who are shunning their parents on a whim. For that reason, I do hope that you see your pet peeve does not apply.

 

[Jambalaya]

I do see that, yes. I'm not assuming that all her actions are solely attributable to the illness, though. Even Kmarla says she doesn't know what's the illness and what's the core of who her daughter really is.

ETA to delete the rest of what I wrote - more info than I feel comfortable sharing.

 

[House Cat]

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[Gem Queen]

Kmarla. I have never followed a thread so intently like this before. So -- I know everyone keeps on saying it, but it is true. I feel so badly for you and your family. You and your husband, I wish I was there for moral support where you live. I think you are so brave to post this in a public place, it is a good place to get great feedback, and support, and it doesn't have to be your neighbor or your co-worker... I know you don't work.... where you can't take back what you say. I feel sorry for your husband. The two of you warm my heart and sound like very special people. I only hope that you recover mentally and physically, and can start to live life in the manner in which you deserve.
Take care.

 

[kmarla]

We had a completely quiet day yesterday with no contact at all. We love our daughter and hope that she is safe and well. National Mental Health Day is coming up very shortly in our country, and it has a very personal relevance to our family. Mental illness can cause tremendous harm, not only to the individual, but to those that love and support them. A wise person told me that everyone struggling is good for no one. Taking care of ourselves, and our emotional and physical wellbeing, is a gift we can give ourselves. Offering love and support to our daughter is something she has to be open to receiving. That is something we cannot control.

I'm thinking of others who have posted and are also in the midst of struggle. Queenie 60, I'm glad you will have a few days to catch your breath. Just having a quiet day yesterday helped us. Of course we don't stop worrying even in the momentary lull.

Jambalaya, yes, this is a terrible journey to be on for everyone who cares. It can elevate emotions for everyone involved. It is different when it is your child, no matter what age they are. It may eventually come to zero contact, but that would be the worst outcome at this point, and is not our goal. Our goal is peace and safety in our home for us, and peace and safety in her new home for her. We can only control ourselves and our behaviour, however.

Housecat, yes these are our children. Love is very complicated, isn't it. It's that classic situation of "I love you always, but right now I don't like you at all." Most of us are put in the position of having to learn about mental illness in a reactive state, which is never ideal. And as we try to educate ourselves and become proactive, the rules can suddenly change and new and different symptoms arise. So it's always evolving, and while some things become predictable, other unexpected and unpleasant challenges come up. One of those would be outside influences. Suddenly you're not just dealing with your own child, whatever age, but the people they chose to surround themselves with. That's when you start to question who your child is, at their core. Why would they seek out and choose to surround themselves with these people who have such different values and morals than how your child was raised. And when your child consistently does this in every crisis (the individuals may vary, but the "type" remains constant) you wonder if this is where they feel they fit best.

Gem Queen, thank you. It really is stepping out of myself to post about this on a forum, and not something I ever thought I would do. But the help, advice and support has been invaluable and I am so grateful. Others have also felt able to share. It is freeing to know that you're not the only one or only family struggling. We can share but maintain privacy at the same time. I stopped working a few years ago, but it's true that you have to be very careful about who you talk to and what you talk about in the workplace. Not everyone is exposed to mental illness in their personal life, and people can judge. My siblings have also been wonderful. Because they're family, so also my daughters family, we are more selective about what we share to an extent. The time may come when our daughter will want to rejoin the extended family, so I don't want to burn all her bridges. They know enough, they also see for themselves, but not necessarily all the minutiae.

Support group is tonight and I'm looking forward to it.

 

[december-fire]

kmarla, House Cat, Queenie60, and anyone else living these difficult situations (sorry if I missed someone who has shared their story),

Your loved ones are so fortunate to have you. Their thoughts are distorted by mental illness and, although its easier said than done, I hope you can remind yourselves that hurtful words and actions are caused by the illness.

kmarla,

Last night I read your post stating that you've had two strokes and a heart procedure during the past five years. I was speechless and unable to respond.

You said your doctor keeps reinforcing that you must keep your stress levels down. You must just shake your head and wonder how you're to do that given your daughter's illness.

Sometimes we just keep putting one foot in front of the next, thinking we have no option but to carry on and we'll rest later.

We don't always have the luxury of 'later'. I'm sure you know this logically, and I believe going away for the weekend with your husband indicates that you're trying to put into action the need to find some healthy balance in your life.

I sincerely hope that things will improve for your daughter and she'll be a healthy part of your life.

For now, however, you're wise to take a step back, go away for the weekend with your husband, and realize that you've done what you can for your daughter at this point.

I'm glad your daughter told your husband she wants to see you both sometimes. It means she knows that you're there for her, and I believe she'll reach out to you if her current situation gets worse.

You've made a lot of excellent points in your posts and come across as a very caring, considerate and intelligent person.

I wish you, your husband, daughter and other posters dealing with the very challenging issue of mental health continuing inner strength. I hope you each can establish some peace in your lives.

Hugs

 

[AdaBeta27]

Be careful J. The people you're talking about are our kids, not a distant relative or a fictitious person.

The children being discussed in this thread have serious mental disorders that are affecting their judgment. They aren't overly spoiled children who are shunning their parents on a whim. For that reason, I do hope that you see your pet peeve does not apply.

Yes, but you wrote: "Our son has a tendency to abuse and flip out and use trauma to his advantage by making people respond and make decisions when they aren't thinking straight." His judgement isn't affected at all, in my opinion. He's skillfully using his intellect to take advantage of you, or make an attack on you, in order to control you and get his way. The kid that my brother and SIL adopted was a master manipulator and a pathological liar. He had learned how to play counselors, foster parents, and his adoptive parents. I bet he went around for almost 10 years telling social workers and my bro and SIL and anyone else who'd listen that he's been abused and also sexually abused as a child. Everyone kept trying to get more details, or crosscheck his story. And over almost a decade, he NEVER, not even once, fleshed out that story the least little bit. Not to his adoptive parents, or doctors, nurses, counselors, law enforcement, later foster parents, not to anyone. Nor could any investigations of people in his life find anything. We all think, now, that he was just playing everyone all the way along. Sociopaths are like that. Play the charm, play the victim, play the bully, cycle through the playacting until you figure out which tactic works. Rinse, lather, repeat. And a good deal of the time, the people who love them most, like their parents, are the last ones to see what everyone else quickly sees: The kid (speaking of my bro's adopted kid) is a liar and a callous self-centered turd. There is a difference between someone with mental illness who tries to do the right thing, and an "IDGAS" with mental illness who just plays everyone who cares about him.

 

[House Cat]

Be careful J. The people you're talking about are our kids, not a distant relative or a fictitious person.

The children being discussed in this thread have serious mental disorders that are affecting their judgment. They aren't overly spoiled children who are shunning their parents on a whim. For that reason, I do hope that you see your pet peeve does not apply.

Yes, but you wrote: "Our son has a tendency to abuse and flip out and use trauma to his advantage by making people respond and make decisions when they aren't thinking straight." His judgement isn't affected at all, in my opinion. He's skillfully using his intellect to take advantage of you, or make an attack on you, in order to control you and get his way. The kid that my brother and SIL adopted was a master manipulator and a pathological liar. He had learned how to play counselors, foster parents, and his adoptive parents. I bet he went around for almost 10 years telling social workers and my bro and SIL and anyone else who'd listen that he's been abused and also sexually abused as a child. Everyone kept trying to get more details, or crosscheck his story. And over almost a decade, he NEVER, not even once, fleshed out that story the least little bit. Not to his adoptive parents, or doctors, nurses, counselors, law enforcement, later foster parents, not to anyone. Nor could any investigations of people in his life find anything. We all think, now, that he was just playing everyone all the way along. Sociopaths are like that. Play the charm, play the victim, play the bully, cycle through the playacting until you figure out which tactic works. Rinse, lather, repeat. And a good deal of the time, the people who love them most, like their parents, are the last ones to see what everyone else quickly sees: The kid (speaking of my bro's adopted kid) is a liar and a callous self-centered turd. There is a difference between someone with mental illness who tries to do the right thing, and an "IDGAS" with mental illness who just plays everyone who cares about him.

I'm sorry, what is your motive here? Is it to provide support?

 

[Queenie60]

Update: Okay, our son comes home tomorrow from his ski trip and we are hoping that he has been able to air out his anger. We intend to approach him with the moving out idea and hope that it goes well. I heard something interesting today - "Anger is a result of pent up hurt, fear and frustration" - I need to remember that. Please send good thoughts our way, we certainly need it.

 

[kmarla]

Queenie60, I'll be thinking of you today and wishing that all goes well with your son! I hope that having him in his own place will make life calmer and more peaceful for all of you. Our hope is the same for our daughter. I've heard that saying before about anger. Feeling anger is normal and we all do it, acting out in anger is problematic, no matter the cause.

I had my first NAMI support group meeting last night. I had thought that I'd quietly sit in the back and listen and observe, but there were only three of us, so I joined right in. It's the first time ever that I saw our story reflected in other people. I felt reassured that I belonged there and I think it will be very helpful. The theme that came out in our talking last night was the importance of detaching. I'm looking forward to the next meeting, and the course in April can't come soon enough.

No news from our daughter. It was another quiet day yesterday.

 

[Queenie60]

That's great Kmarla - NAMI is a very good organization with many helpful tactics. I continue to refer to my literature (binder) after 3 years of taking the Family to Family courses. I'm looking into some NAMI support groups that I can begin to attend. This is an ongoing, lifetime situation for all of us as these are our children and it's very difficult to detach ourselves from them completely. I can detach a little by sending him off to live on his own however, never fully. I'll be thinking about you - please take care of yourself and take this time to get your health and wellbeing back into order. And I thank you for starting this thread - it has been a great help for me. The timing couldn't have been better. God bless you Kmarla.

 

[december-fire]

Update: Okay, our son comes home tomorrow from his ski trip and we are hoping that he has been able to air out his anger. We intend to approach him with the moving out idea and hope that it goes well. I heard something interesting today - "Anger is a result of pent up hurt, fear and frustration" - I need to remember that. Please send good thoughts our way, we certainly need it.

Queenie60,

This is very true. Its not uncommon for someone to express anger when the underlying feeling is actually fear. Expressing anger can give the impression of power or strength, whereas expressing fear or sadness shows an individual's vulnerability. Anger expressed about something can actually be the result of sadness or fear about something else altogether. The person is just afraid or unable to express the real issue and real feeling.

I hope the conversation with your son goes well today. For some of us (unfortunately not for all parents), our children mean more to us than we could ever adequately express through words.

kmarla,

I'm so glad that last night's meeting went so well. Feeling that you're with people who truly understand and are going through (or have been through) the same thing allows you to feel less alone and able to actually let your guard down.

There are some life experiences which are difficult for some people to truly understand. Or perhaps, they do understand but their reactions are much different than yours because, well, they're not you. Regardless, when it comes to difficult or heartbreaking situations, and someone responds with what seems to me to be a lack of understanding, I just think to myself how glad I am that they've been blessed with a life free of that difficulty. Although, I admit my initial reaction is not always so gracious. I'm human.

Sending you both, and your families, good wishes and prayers.

Hugs

 

[kmarla]

kmarla, House Cat, Queenie60, and anyone else living these difficult situations (sorry if I missed someone who has shared their story),

Your loved ones are so fortunate to have you. Their thoughts are distorted by mental illness and, although its easier said than done, I hope you can remind yourselves that hurtful words and actions are caused by the illness.

kmarla,

Last night I read your post stating that you've had two strokes and a heart procedure during the past five years. I was speechless and unable to respond.

You said your doctor keeps reinforcing that you must keep your stress levels down. You must just shake your head and wonder how you're to do that given your daughter's illness.

Sometimes we just keep putting one foot in front of the next, thinking we have no option but to carry on and we'll rest later.

We don't always have the luxury of 'later'. I'm sure you know this logically, and I believe going away for the weekend with your husband indicates that you're trying to put into action the need to find some healthy balance in your life.

I sincerely hope that things will improve for your daughter and she'll be a healthy part of your life.

For now, however, you're wise to take a step back, go away for the weekend with your husband, and realize that you've done what you can for your daughter at this point.

I'm glad your daughter told your husband she wants to see you both sometimes. It means she knows that you're there for her, and I believe she'll reach out to you if her current situation gets worse.

You've made a lot of excellent points in your posts and come across as a very caring, considerate and intelligent person.

I wish you, your husband, daughter and other posters dealing with the very challenging issue of mental health continuing inner strength. I hope you each can establish some peace in your lives.

Hugs

Thank you so much December-fire!

 

[kmarla]

That's great Kmarla - NAMI is a very good organization with many helpful tactics. I continue to refer to my literature (binder) after 3 years of taking the Family to Family courses. I'm looking into some NAMI support groups that I can begin to attend. This is an ongoing, lifetime situation for all of us as these are our children and it's very difficult to detach ourselves from them completely. I can detach a little by sending him off to live on his own however, never fully. I'll be thinking about you - please take care of yourself and take this time to get your health and wellbeing back into order. And I thank you for starting this thread - it has been a great help for me. The timing couldn't have been better. God bless you Kmarla.

Thank you so much Queenie60! These people that I talked to last night are much further down the road than we are currently and more experienced. It was so encouraging to hear that while there were periods of no communication with their loved ones, they now have a relationship where they either speak to or see their child every couple of weeks, even if just briefly.

 

[Natylad]

I just want to say that I have been following this thread with great interest and I'd like to send all my love and virtual hugs to everybody, who is dealing with these difficult and challenging situations. DH and I have a five year old daughter, who has many issues, which i'm not ready to discuss yet, because going into details about it is very painful. Raising this child is a living nightmare. We love her to death but no matter what we do, there will always be a crisis, always a problem, always a tantrum. Both DH and I have transformed into crazy creatures and we don't recognize our own selves. In fact, we are a 37 and a 42 year old adults, who are scared of their own 5 year old child... I am extremely frustrated. We thought that things would become better as she'd grow older but in fact they become worse. I hope that I will find the patience and courage to explain the situation in detail in the future. For now, I just want to say a big thank you to all of you, for being here, for offering support and for sharing your personal experiences with the rest of us. I finally feel that I have some moral support...

 

[Queenie60]

I just want to say that I have been following this thread with great interest and I'd like to send all my love and virtual hugs to everybody, who is dealing with these difficult and challenging situations. DH and I have a five year old daughter, who has many issues, which i'm not ready to discuss yet, because going into details about it is very painful. Raising this child is a living nightmare. We love her to death but no matter what we do, there will always be a crisis, always a problem, always a tantrum. Both DH and I have transformed into crazy creatures and we don't recognize our own selves. In fact, we are a 37 and a 42 year old adults, who are scared of their own 5 year old child... I am extremely frustrated. We thought that things would become better as she'd grow older but in fact they become worse. I hope that I will find the patience and courage to explain the situation in detail in the future. For now, I just want to say a big thank you to all of you, for being here, for offering support and for sharing your personal experiences with the rest of us. I finally feel that I have some moral support...

NatyLad - have you sought out professional help for her? This is the beginning and it's best that you intervene early as it can help all of you to cope and deal with this situation. I understand what you're going through and am glad that you are recognizing it early on. I was not well informed about mental illness issues in children and when our son was acting out at an early age I chalked it up as him being a typical rambunctious boy. Well, had I only known - we would have been seeking out professional help much earlier. When I look back at all of the signs that were right in front of me - can't believe that I did not see it coming. Take care and I wish you well with this long journey. We are here for your support. ((hugs))

 

[House Cat]

Love and support to everyone who is facing challenges today. For those who are having quiet days, I hope that you can let the peace warm you.

I have been dabbling in tea. My daughter bought me an electric kettle and ever since, I have had a mug in my hand. Who knew this stuff was so fantastic?

Kmarla, I am so happy you found some people who understand what you are going through.

Queenie, I am hoping your son will be excited by the prospect of being independent.

Natylad, I am sending you hugs.

 

[Queenie60]

Thank you Housecat - your support throughout this thread has been much appreciated. I have the utmost respect for you - sharing your personal experiences couldn't have been easy. In the event our son does not want to accept our kind offer of independence - I have counseling already set up so that the maneuvering can be assisted with our mental health professionals. It's so very nice to have this thread for moral support and to do a quick vent now and then. Hugs and prayers to all of you (us)

 

[Natylad]

Queenie, House cat: Thank you so much for your advice and support. We have a history in the family with such issues (both my brother and my husband's nephew), so I realized early on that my child's behavior was not normal. I discussed the issue with DH, who agreed that we should seek professional help. We went to three different specialists (one psychiatrist and two psychologists, all specializing in children of her age). They all diagnosed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. They claimed that she needs to be older for them to be able to diagnose with certainty other aspects of her condition. The therapist that we're seeing now is very understanding and he is trying to help us find the right ways to cope with our daughter's behavior but I honestly don't see myself making any obvious progress. I lose my temper all the time and start behaving crazy myself. Everything about her daily care is a nightmare. She doesn't want to eat, sleep, get a bath, get dressed, follow any rule or instructions. We can't ever agree on what she should wear. She can't ever sit in her car seat and we end up travelling with me holding her in my arms (one of these days we will get arrested... ). She can't ever stop talking and she insists on asking the same questions over and over again, even after I've answered them, like, twenty times... She won't ever let me and my husband to have even a five minute conversation in front of her, without screaming and interrupting us. She cries all the time and screams without any obvious reason. She enjoys throwing everything on the ground and make a mess. She also enjoys breaking things. It is very difficult...very difficult indeed... She is suffering and I can't help her as much as i'm trying. I can't help myself either. This situation has taken its toll on our marriage and our health. I have repeatedly ended up at the hospital with heart problems and extreme stomach pains, all due to the pressure under which I have to live every single day. One day DH and I had another huge fight, all because of our precious little girl, and he said that if I can't handle her, he will take her and go. A few minutes later, I found myself in the bedroom, holding my pillow tightly and feeling relieved. I felt relieved with the thought of seeing my husband and my child leaving and going away from me. How pathetic... I was ready to lose everything just for some peace in return... This is the first time that I discuss this so openly. Thank you all for letting me take this out of my chest. I love my child. I really do. Sometimes, she realizes that she's being so extremely difficult, so she comes and puts her cute little hands around me and apologizes... She says ''I'm sorry mommy for doing this or that'', ''i'm sorry for being a bad girl'', ''do you still love me''...etc... I am heartbroken, frustrated and totally lost.

 

[december-fire]

natyLad,

Your situation is heartbreaking.

I want to gather you up in my arms and hug you.

You have displayed a great deal of courage and honesty in sharing what its like dealing with your little girl.

Your feeling of relief at the idea of your husband and daughter leaving is not pathetic.

Your reaction, as you noted, was due to imagining some peace and quiet from the turmoil and chaos.

Don't beat yourself up.

Sending you hugs and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[azstonie]

Queenie, House cat: Thank you so much for your advice and support. We have a history in the family with such issues (both my brother and my husband's nephew), so I realized early on that my child's behavior was not normal. I discussed the issue with DH, who agreed that we should seek professional help. We went to three different specialists (one psychiatrist and two psychologists, all specializing in children of her age). They all diagnosed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. They claimed that she needs to be older for them to be able to diagnose with certainty other aspects of her condition. The therapist that we're seeing now is very understanding and he is trying to help us find the right ways to cope with our daughter's behavior but I honestly don't see myself making any obvious progress. I lose my temper all the time and start behaving crazy myself. Everything about her daily care is a nightmare. She doesn't want to eat, sleep, get a bath, get dressed, follow any rule or instructions. We can't ever agree on what she should wear. She can't ever sit in her car seat and we end up travelling with me holding her in my arms (one of these days we will get arrested... ). She can't ever stop talking and she insists on asking the same questions over and over again, even after I've answered them, like, twenty times... She won't ever let me and my husband to have even a five minute conversation in front of her, without screaming and interrupting us. She cries all the time and screams without any obvious reason. She enjoys throwing everything on the ground and make a mess. She also enjoys breaking things. It is very difficult...very difficult indeed... She is suffering and I can't help her as much as i'm trying. I can't help myself either. This situation has taken its toll on our marriage and our health. I have repeatedly ended up at the hospital with heart problems and extreme stomach pains, all due to the pressure under which I have to live every single day. One day DH and I had another huge fight, all because of our precious little girl, and he said that if I can't handle her, he will take her and go. A few minutes later, I found myself in the bedroom, holding my pillow tightly and feeling relieved. I felt relieved with the thought of seeing my husband and my child leaving and going away from me. How pathetic... I was ready to lose everything just for some peace in return... This is the first time that I discuss this so openly. Thank you all for letting me take this out of my chest. I love my child. I really do. Sometimes, she realizes that she's being so extremely difficult, so she comes and puts her cute little hands around me and apologizes... She says ''I'm sorry mommy for doing this or that'', ''i'm sorry for being a bad girl'', ''do you still love me''...etc... I am heartbroken, frustrated and totally lost.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I taught for many years and I saw children as you describe your daughter, both in elementary school and later on down the road in middle school and high school, so please know that there are adults on this planet who have seen this---you aren't alone although you must feel like you are.

You don't need my advice, you're doing a yeoman's job here. I'm wondering if once a month or so you could take a Friday-Sunday afternoon break to get some much needed down time? Get a decent hotel room near some dining/shopping/movies? Then your DH does the same the next month while you hold down the home fires? I don't know where you live, can you get your counselor to recommend a social worker who can get you some respite care, even if the respite care were for 3 hours one evening so you and your DH could dine out together? You are working very, very hard here. The love you have for your DD comes through your entire post. Yes, your DD might not like the 'babysitter' and it might be rough going the first couple of times, but with time/repetition can come acceptance of the situation: "Mommies and Daddies have a sitter come in so they can take care of grown up things." Is there a high school or middle school aged girl in your sphere that your DD likes? If so, could she come and be a paid mother's helper for 1 hour every other day? LIttle girls usually LOVE the older girls---makeup, hair, clothes, playing with some new and fun toy/s, watching a video together, bake some cookies, etc.? I did this when I was in middle school and high school, the mother's helper thing. The hour went really fast, the mom took a nap, went to the store, whatever, and the little girl had fun and some social contact.

 

[Queenie60]

I am so sorry Natylad. I feel for your situation. I too had similar problems when my son was a small child. I was just too naive to recognize this symptoms. He would complain about everything. We would need to hold him down in his chair while getting a haircut. He would have outbursts about how his shoes didn't feel right on his feet. I can remember one time where we took him on a trip to Lake Tahoe which is about 4 hours from our home. On the way home, we stopped at a restaurant for dinner. He left his very small, cheap toy behind by accident. About an hour into the drive he began to scream and throw tantrums for the toy for the next 3 hours of the drive home. It was hell for the entire drive. Once we got him home, we put him in his room and closed the door, he fell asleep from exhaustion. He was only 3 years old! Is there some type of light dose of medication they can give to your daughter to help her to feel better? I understand what you're going through - there were times when I wanted to walk out and go away alone for the weekend. Take care of yourself - I ended up with breast cancer when my son was 7 years old and I feel that the stress I was under as a young mother had something to do with getting cancer at such a young age. Sending good thoughts and hugs your way. Take care

 

[kmarla]

Hi natyLad, first of all, hugs to you! Our daughters challenges were very obvious at a really young age also. She was placed in a pre-kindergarten assessment program at the psychiatric hospital when she was three, and spent 1 1/2 years there. She was non-verbal, hyperactive, never slept through the night, etc. Her speech came in around four years old, and it was echolalic. She would repeat the same thing over and over, sometimes hundreds of times. She had no fear whatsoever and one time opened a car door on the highway (her teacher who was driving almost had a heart attack), run away in stores and not come back like other kids etc. You get the picture. We didn't actually get a clear diagnosis until she was six, although she was doing therapy (speech, occupational, psychiatric etc) during all this time. I remember a couple of times calling my husband and saying I didn't care what he was doing, he needed to get home now. I would be in tears I was so overwhelmed and exhausted. One thing that we found critical was to have respite. Whether that was someone babysitting for a few hours, or a family member or friend taking over so we could get away for an afternoon or evening. Even better if they could take her with them for a bit and we could have a nap. You really have to remember to take care of yourself. It's not selfish, it's survival. I found that doing a yoga class or workout helped to relax me. Try to find something that you really enjoy so that you can have a break occasionally. I hope that you will get some answers soon so that you can better understand and help your daughter. My heart goes out to you.

 

[AdaBeta27]

I'm sorry, what is your motive here? Is it to provide support?

Warning that parents need to protect themselves when dealing with dysfunctional or vicious children.
http://www.thetimesnews.com/news/20160122/adopted-son-charged-with-killing-father-had-troubled-past/?Start=1

 

[Natylad]

I'd like to thank from the bottom of my heart all the wonderful people of the community, who are posting on this thread, for their support, understanding and valuable advice.
I'd also like to add that personally, I have tried to find ways to provide myself with small breaks from the difficult reality that both I and DH are facing. There is a wonderful, 20 year-old girl, who is the daughter of my secretary at work. This girl is a university student but every Saturday afternoon she babysits for my little girl and the two of them are always having a great time together. She has a way of making my girl happy and interested in activities like playing the piano, painting, dancing, baking in the kitchen, etc. She is God-sent and truly I don't know what I would do without her. This four-hour break every Saturday night is what helps me recharge my batteries and go back to my child with more patience and positivity. Unfortunately she is extremely busy with her studies and doesn't have any more free time during the week, so I can't hire her to help me on weekdays.
Also, this week my dear sister started taking my daughter at her house twice per week, Wednesday and Friday, for an hour. My sister is amazing. During this hour that they spend together, she is teaching my daughter English as a second language, while playing with her. She is patient, intelligent and wonderful and an excellent influence for my child. This is a very positive development because now I have the opportunity to go to the gym twice per week, each time for approximately 50 minutes, and I noticed from day one that this is helping me a lot, both psychologically and physically.
I keep reminding myself that I've got some good things going for me and that there are some wonderful people who are now giving me a helping hand. This is huge for me. I also have DH who is an excellent and very dedicated father. I hope that everything will develop well for us and our little one. We really love her and she is precious to the entire family.

 

[AGBF]

I'd like to thank from the bottom of my heart all the wonderful people of the community, who are posting on this thread, for their support, understanding and valuable advice.
I'd also like to add that personally, I have tried to find ways to provide myself with small breaks from the difficult reality that both I and DH are facing. There is a wonderful, 20 year-old girl, who is the daughter of my secretary at work. This girl is a university student but every Saturday afternoon she babysits for my little girl and the two of them are always having a great time together. She has a way of making my girl happy and interested in activities like playing the piano, painting, dancing, baking in the kitchen, etc. She is God-sent and truly I don't know what I would do without her. This four-hour break every Saturday night is what helps me recharge my batteries and go back to my child with more patience and positivity. Unfortunately she is extremely busy with her studies and doesn't have any more free time during the week, so I can't hire her to help me on weekdays.
Also, this week my dear sister started taking my daughter at her house twice per week, Wednesday and Friday, for an hour. My sister is amazing. During this hour that they spend together, she is teaching my daughter English as a second language, while playing with her. She is patient, intelligent and wonderful and an excellent influence for my child. This is a very positive development because now I have the opportunity to go to the gym twice per week, each time for approximately 50 minutes, and I noticed from day one that this is helping me a lot, both psychologically and physically.
I keep reminding myself that I've got some good things going for me and that there are some wonderful people who are now giving me a helping hand. This is huge for me. I also have DH who is an excellent and very dedicated father. I hope that everything will develop well for us and our little one. We really love her and she is precious to the entire family.

I do not want to probe for more than you want to share, natylad, but you left some clues and also some "unanswered" questions in your posting. You write about, "your little girl", so I am assuming that your daughter is still a child. You also said that she is learning English as a Second language, so I assume that she was adopted from a foreign country or from a non-English speaking family within the UK. (That is where you live, is it not?) Does your daughter have some form of mental illness or does have have a developmental disability or a problem that is considered on the autism spectrum...or something else? And you do not need to answer me. This thread can simply be used for support if it has been supportive to you already.

I am asking because many of us have focused on the problems of having adult, bi-polar children with the erratic behaviors they exhibit and the rage they induce in us. A young child and her problems poses an entire other sets of issues, although the exhaustion of being a caretaker to someone with problems is certainly common to both groups.

You are very lucky to have such a supportive husband. Many marriages crumble under the strain of a disabled (or "challenged") child. And it is usually the mother who sticks by the child, while the husband cannot cope.

Welcome Home, Jellybean is a book for children about such a situation. I highly recommend it because it shows how a nice man-a very nice man-comes to be unable to cope with his home life once one of his children (a little girl) is de-institutionalized.

At any rate, natylad, whether or not you choose to share more here, I am very glad that this thread brought you solace. I am also very glad that you found the wonderful young woman that you did who helps to nurture your daughter. Children are precious and you are a wonderful mother.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[AGBF]

I am sorry for my post responding only to your last post, natylad. I just realized that you posted several times earlier in this thread as I went back to read the entire thread. It's a good thing I wanted to know how everyone else was doing, or I never would have seen them!

 

[Natylad]

I am sorry for my post responding only to your last post, natylad. I just realized that you posted several times earlier in this thread as I went back to read the entire thread. It's a good thing I wanted to know how everyone else was doing, or I never would have seen them!

Deb, hugs...
As you must have already understood by reading my earlier posts, my daughter is not adopted. She is our biological child. She is five years old and as I have mentioned, the specialists have already diagnosed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder but are hesitant to make any other assumptions about her condition, due to her age. They claim that she is still very young and it would be wrong and totally unprofessional to do so. Nevertheless, they acknowledge the severity of the problem and the effect that it has in the entire family's life.
I'd also like to clarify that we don't live in the States or the U.K. We live in Greece and our daughter's mother tongue is Greek, as is mine. Her father is of Middle Eastern origin and his native language is Arabic. To complicate things more, the two of us speak to each other in English. So, in fact, the poor child has been exposed to three different languages since the day she was born and that hasn't helped with her speaking skills... She was late to speak and for a while we were afraid that on top of everything else, she had a learning disability but one of the specialists that we saw, informed us that she doesn't seem to have such a disability and her speaking problem was due to the fact that she was living in a trilingual environment, struggling to absorb and process all this variety of information.
He also said something else, which I found extremely interesting. He attributed part of her behavioral problem to the fact that her speaking skills didn't match the maturity of her mind. He claimed that the child is old enough to have complex thoughts and feelings, which she can't express properly and that this is a major cause of frustration for her. He insisted that once her speaking skills improve and she manages to get a better grasp of the language, she will have a better communication with her family and friends and consequently she will become a happier and calmer child. So far, I have been observing her progress and find this to be true.

 

[Natylad]

I'd like to thank from the bottom of my heart all the wonderful people of the community, who are posting on this thread, for their support, understanding and valuable advice.
I'd also like to add that personally, I have tried to find ways to provide myself with small breaks from the difficult reality that both I and DH are facing. There is a wonderful, 20 year-old girl, who is the daughter of my secretary at work. This girl is a university student but every Saturday afternoon she babysits for my little girl and the two of them are always having a great time together. She has a way of making my girl happy and interested in activities like playing the piano, painting, dancing, baking in the kitchen, etc. She is God-sent and truly I don't know what I would do without her. This four-hour break every Saturday night is what helps me recharge my batteries and go back to my child with more patience and positivity. Unfortunately she is extremely busy with her studies and doesn't have any more free time during the week, so I can't hire her to help me on weekdays.
Also, this week my dear sister started taking my daughter at her house twice per week, Wednesday and Friday, for an hour. My sister is amazing. During this hour that they spend together, she is teaching my daughter English as a second language, while playing with her. She is patient, intelligent and wonderful and an excellent influence for my child. This is a very positive development because now I have the opportunity to go to the gym twice per week, each time for approximately 50 minutes, and I noticed from day one that this is helping me a lot, both psychologically and physically.
I keep reminding myself that I've got some good things going for me and that there are some wonderful people who are now giving me a helping hand. This is huge for me. I also have DH who is an excellent and very dedicated father. I hope that everything will develop well for us and our little one. We really love her and she is precious to the entire family.

I do not want to probe for more than you want to share, natylad, but you left some clues and also some "unanswered" questions in your posting. You write about, "your little girl", so I am assuming that your daughter is still a child. You also said that she is learning English as a Second language, so I assume that she was adopted from a foreign country or from a non-English speaking family within the UK. (That is where you live, is it not?) Does your daughter have some form of mental illness or does have have a developmental disability or a problem that is considered on the autism spectrum...or something else? And you do not need to answer me. This thread can simply be used for support if it has been supportive to you already.

I am asking because many of us have focused on the problems of having adult, bi-polar children with the erratic behaviors they exhibit and the rage they induce in us. A young child and her problems poses an entire other sets of issues, although the exhaustion of being a caretaker to someone with problems is certainly common to both groups.

You are very lucky to have such a supportive husband. Many marriages crumble under the strain of a disabled (or "challenged") child. And it is usually the mother who sticks by the child, while the husband cannot cope.

Welcome Home, Jellybean is a book for children about such a situation. I highly recommend it because it shows how a nice man-a very nice man-comes to be unable to cope with his home life once one of his children (a little girl) is de-institutionalized.

At any rate, natylad, whether or not you choose to share more here, I am very glad that this thread brought you solace. I am also very glad that you found the wonderful young woman that you did who helps to nurture your daughter. Children are precious and you are a wonderful mother.

Hugs,
Deb

I would like to apologize in case it was wrong of my part to post about my experience with a younger child in this thread.