When you and SO have a fight...

[Bia]

Date: 3/24/2009 6:59:27 AM
Author: TheBigT

OMG, Bia -- you are so lucky. My FMIL takes my fiance''s side on everything -- to the point of being totally ridiculous. When we moved and a couple months later we still had some stuff in boxes she actually asked me whose fault it was that there was still stuff in the boxes (which is an obnoxious, pointless question anyway). And when I told her it was 50% each of our faults, she responded, ''Actually, it''s about 20% his fault, 80% yours. I''m his mother, and you can''t convince me otherwise). That was right after we got engaged, and it was the first thing she''d ever said to me that wasn''t perfectly nice.

But anyway, I''m straying too far off topic. It would never occur to me to call my FMIL when my fiance and I argued, because I know she would take his side, and probably try to convince me that I''d done something terrible to her baby boy. But if my fiance called my mother to complain about me, she would tell him that''s the kind of thing that he and I should discuss, and leave the mothers out of. I could conceive of someone calling the SO''s mother, depending on what the argument was about, but I think it''s ill-advised.

Honey, I agree with you. I tell my cousin all the time, "Do you want the family to hate your man? Because if you do, keep telling everyone what he does to you." It''s a bad, bad idea to air dirty laundry...

I would never call my FMIL, or even my own mother, to complain about FI...it is none of their business. I also feel for you, since it seems your FMIL''s real personality is coming out of the woodwork since you''ve gotten engaged.

My FMIL, she is a good person. I gotta admit, I love the lady. She''s not always easy, a Queens girl to the fullest, so you know she''s a tough cookie. But one thing I have to give to her is that she knows our dynamic (meaning my FI and I). So if we go there, and we''ve just had it out, she knows--just like my mom knows--and she won''t say, "what happened?" But she will say, "Was it an interesting ride over here? My son''s a PITA!" LOL If anything, to lighten the mood. If it''s something trivial, then I will tell her. I''m not a good actress when it comes to hiding my emotions. But never to put him down, or to say "oh woe is me..." Believe me, she''d tell me get a grip and get over it!

 

[tlh]

Date: 3/24/2009 9:33:43 AM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 3/23/2009 11:12:33 AM
Author: tlh
why would his mom justify YOUR actions. Mom will always take their children''s side... 100% of the time. It is UNFAIR to ask anything else or to put mom in a position where she wouldn''t.

Actually, this is not true. I know because my ex-MIL barely speaks to her son anymore, and has made it perfectly clear to him that she wants NOTHING to do with his paramour and her children. He screwed around, walked out on his family, and treated his kids as though they were non-existant. A VERY big no-no to his mom, who loves her grandchildren very much.

If you''re dating, or engaged, and do not have a 20-year history with FMIL, then it is indeed a big no-no.

I understand this was the FSIL. But I believe during the courtship phases, the MIL should NOT be put in a place to chose sides. Sometimes she will automatically thump her son on the head for letting a good girl go - but the mom will come to this conclusion on her own... WITHOUT THE GF calling to say what the argument was over.

Winks, your situation is different. Grandbabies trump babies- if their babies aren''t making the wisest decisions. I know my paternal grandmother took my mom''s side after the divorce... because of us kiddos.

 

[gwendolyn]

No, never on purpose.

I did sort of accidentally get some comfort from J''s mom while we were staying with his parents this summer, right before our move to London. We''d had a fight and I went to take a walk, and his mom saw me just as I was stepping through the garden gate and called me back to ask where I was going and wasn''t J going with me. She saw something in my face and asked if I was ok, and I lied saying I was fine, but I''m a terrible liar and she could tell something was wrong and that my eyes were filling up with tears. So she grabbed my hand, dragged me to the swing in her back garden, and told me to think of her as her "UK mum" and that I could cry on her shoulder if I ever needed to, even if it was about her son.

She was very sweet about it, and when I told J, he wasn''t upset--he was more embarrassed than anything that she hadn''t just let me go and escape for a while, but even though I never in a million years would have set out to do anything like that with her, the fact that she did that means a lot to me.

 

[Rhea]

I have before. In my defense, it was an arguement with DH over whether he had chicken pox or measles.

In most normal circumstances it wouldn''t be acceptable to get anyone involved in our arguements. I do have two friends that I sound on about my relationship ocassionally, but I''d never drag them into the actual fight.

 

[KimberlyH]

No way in hell. My husband and I agreed, long before we were married, that we keep private things private. No sharing of fights, no bitching about one another to friends, no complaining to parents. We are a couple, and we need to deal with things accordingly. The only time I could ever imagine discussing an argument I'd had with my husband with anyone but him is if it was big enough that we needed to see a counselor, and that would remain between just us as well.

 

[Porridge]

My FI rang my mum once during an argument. I was NOT happy. As soon as he called her though, he calmed down (he can be a bit of a hothead

) and was too embarrassed to say anything! She called me back cos the whole thing was so weird, and I explained, and she just thought it was funny. His family are v v close and talk all the time.
I didn''t like it at all and he will definitely never do it again

 

[misskitty]

Yikes! There are a couple of unpleasant consequences that come to mind:

(1) Let''s say the parent agrees with the SO who calls (umm, best-case scenario, from the caller''s perspective?). Then it''s pretty much a 2 vs. 1 situation, and the son/daughter feels ganged up on over something that''s none of the parent''s business. If the fight is petty or nasty, I think it''s even worse to pull the "your mom agrees with me" card.

(2) If the parent agrees with their son/daughter, did the SO gain anything from the call? I''d just be embarrassed.

(3) Regardless of whose "side" the parent takes (if any), I feel like this would color the relationship the parent has with the couple. Maybe they''ll start feeling that the SO is high-maintenance, maybe they''ll see the call as an invite to butt into their child''s personal life.

Sum-up: not a fan.

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

No. Any argument, disagreement, etc., etc., that I may have with my guy is strictly our business.

With that aside, we don't really fight. One time we had an almost-argument, and super cute J asked, "Why are we fighting? We shouldn't be fighting. We're on the same team."

 

[Porridge]

Date: 3/25/2009 5:25:03 AM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
No. Any argument, disagreement, etc., etc., that I may have with my guy is strictly our business.


With that aside, we don''t really fight. One time we had an almost-argument, and super cute J asked, ''Why are we fighting? We shouldn''t be fighting. We''re on the same team.''

Aww!!

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Wow. I am really surprised by all of the responses on here. I guess I just have a really different relationship with my BFs mom. I''m not saying I call her when we have a fight or to "referee" our relationship, but I have no problem talking to her about how BF and I are doing. She is not my mom, but she has always been there for me and has treated me just like family from day one. We''ve been together for just over 5.5 years and we have had plenty of ups and downs and she''s seen/ heard it all. In my case, I have to disagree with TLH. His mom takes my side a lot of the time... maybe even just as much as his. She is very understanding and is able to keep an open mind without judgement on either part. Also, I should probably mention it''s not only his mom that''s like this. My mom does it too. Actually most of the time she tries to justify BFs actions for him when I talk to her. It''s just giving another perspective, which we like.

 

[princesss]

Our parents do not need to know about our disagreements. I might run things by a friend if I need perspective, but even that''s pretty rare. I think people have only seen us fight once (after which my friend said, "Wait, that was a fight? You guys have the healthiest fights I''ve ever seen!" lol).

I have gone to his mother once when we disagreed about something, but she''s a nurse and we were disagreeing about how much he needed me to take care of him when he was really sick a few months ago. I called to see what I needed to look for to know if the meds were working, which meds I should force on him (he could barely keep anything down) and which could wait until he could keep food/drink down, and what would mean an instant trip to the ER. He was a little surprised that I''d called his mother (and probably not thrilled because he always downplays illness), but the doc said he was at risk for pneumonia and I''ll do whatever I have to in order to keep him healthy.

 

[AmberGretchen]

HUGE no-no. Calling to for help or ideas arranging something nice for SO (especially if it involves childhood photos) = fine. Calling about a fight or conflict of any kind = NOT FINE.

 

[pyramid]

No

 

[Inanna]

Not ok. AT.ALL

I was in a long relationship with an ex who called his mommy every single time we fought. As a result I never felt any type of closeness to his parents - they were not warm to me and I was incredibly uncomfortable around them. Eventually I realized that I could never marry someone whose parents were so difficult to be around, and I ended the relationship.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:38:06 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM

Author:Starset Princess

Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

No. Sorry.

Ditto.

I always told by my mother not to air dirty laundry in public and I for one don''t.

I personally don''t think it is advisable to say anything bad about your SO to anyone - heck my friends think FI is an angel - is he no, but he is a fantastic person who makes mistakes from time to time but he trys to be the best FI in the world .

The thing about bitching about your SO is you go home make up, have nookie and what not and are all lovey dovey afterwards but the person outside of the relationship doesn''t get that perspective they just accumulate the negitive views and in the end it colours their view of your relationship.

Gwen I would take your situation as an exception, I am sure most people have been put in that position at some stage in their lives - I am a terrible liar as well and have no poker face whatsoever.