Absolutely NO marriage momentum

[diamondglee]

Becky,
make sure you get something concrete before you consider making a move wth him..like a propsal and a ring if thats what you still feel you want. He''s stressed, contemplating moving to keep a job. I would hate to see you move again...just to see this in the same place once he is back in his comfortable zone and back on his feet.

If I were contemplating a move and job change, I would want my "right man right now" there for support and comfort....thats a natural response. He''s geting the milk for free...don''t make it any easier for him.

 

[ladykemma]

don''t go unless there''s a ring on your finger and a firm date or deadline set.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 10/9/2006 9:46:11 AM
Author: mrssalvo

Date: 10/9/2006 7:14:48 AM
Author: WTNLVR
I wouldn't buy the ring myself. Any man would be really upset and demasculated by that I think. And who wants the memory of actually buying it without his input, etc...Good luck.

i agree with this too in this situation.

i was referring to the ring as a right hand ring that she buys for herself. like blueroses did.

 

[WTNLVR]

Date: 10/9/2006 5:48:52 PM
Author: ladykemma
don''t go unless there''s a ring on your finger and a firm date or deadline set.

I totally agree with this. I would even be so bold as to tell him that the March deadline is moot given the new developments. You need to have a proposal before you move or else I see him then saying the move was so stressful, he''s having trouble fitting in, he''s not sure the new job will last, etc.... He needs to be man and grow up and make a decision one way or the other. I''d give him till the end of the month. That''s 3 weeks for him to decide if he is going to propose and to do it. He can still set the wedding date as far out as the 2 of you agree on, but enough is enough, IMHO. Good luck!

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 10/9/2006 5:51:02 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 10/9/2006 9:46:11 AM

Author: mrssalvo

Date: 10/9/2006 7:14:48 AM

Author: WTNLVR

I wouldn''t buy the ring myself. Any man would be really upset and demasculated by that I think. And who wants the memory of actually buying it without his input, etc...Good luck.

i agree with this too in this situation.

i was referring to the ring as a right hand ring that she buys for herself. like blueroses did.

oh, than''s that''s a great idea

.

 

[Julian]

Yay Becky! Sounds like some very good progress. I daresay after this deep dinner conversation, he will seriously consider your needs and the relationship''s needs. Sometimes it takes a big event to "wake" up the other person. I hope he realizes this and that this changes the course of your relationship into an engagement. Good luck and stay strong.

 

[jaz464]

I don''t really see how this is different than before. He asked you to move to Pittsburg and you did and no ring followed. Just because he may want you to move to NC does not mean that anything has or will change. Maybe he just doesn''t want to move alone. Or he still wants to be your BF and keep things as they are now. As others have stated, I would NOT move anywhere with him without a ring and a date set. Or you could be living the same LIW life, just in NC.

 

[Becky P]

Date: 10/9/2006 5:31:11 PM
Author: Cailet


What do you want to have happen if your bf decides to move?

He has said that he''s not moving without me. So, either we make the decision together that we''re staying in Pittsburgh, or we make the decision together that we''re moving. I agree, though, with all of the comments that without a ring, there''s no reason that I should choose to follow him to another city. So, if we are going to move to another city together, then I need to be going there either as his fiance or his wife.

What do I *want* from this discussion? Well, I want to hear what he''s thinking about our future, and how he sees things progressing with us. What I''m hoping, I guess, is that discussing the possibility of moving together will be a less threatening way of talking about the future and I''ll be able to get some answers that I''m looking for...

 

[Maria D]

Date: 10/9/2006 10:15:54 PM
Author: Becky P

...So, if we are going to move to another city together, then I need to be going there either as his fiance or his wife.

I think you''ve said it all right there. You can let him talk first and find out what he''s "feeling" but if you''re serious about what you said above you will lay it on the line and there''ll be no misunderstanding.

For what it''s worth, this is how I ended up getting engaged/married. My husband was getting a transfer to a foreign city. He said he wasn''t going without me and like you and your BF we did not live together at the time. But, his ideal was for us to move to the new city, live together, enjoy that for a while, get engaged, then later marry. Ideal for him was to have time to experience each step. I would not have been able to easily work in the new city without being married to him. Without the foreign equivalent of a "green card" any company that wanted to hire me would have to prove they could not find a suitable national for the job. He was willing to support me financially since it would be very difficult for me to get work under those circumstances. I basically said, no way. I told him that *my* ideal was that we marry first, then we move together. For me, it was not good enough to be engaged because I still wouldn''t have been able to work so I felt like what was the point; if we were going to be engaged and then later marry then we could be engaged in a long distance relationship so I could at least still have an income.

So his ideal and my ideal conflicted -- with the compromise being that he go ahead and we have an LD relationship until we figured out what to do next. I guess he was serious about not wanting to go without me, because my ideal won out! We were married within 6 months.

The moral of this loooong story

: you''ve got the upper hand. Use it!

Best of luck Becky.

 

[Christa]

Date: 10/9/2006 5:48:52 PM
Author: ladykemma
don't go unless there's a ring on your finger and a firm date or deadline set.

I absolutely agree, and I wanted to point out that she said "and" . . not "or".

Excellent story from Maria, too!

 

[Mara]

Becky...in another post on this thread you mentioned that you knew you were not strong enough to make good on a threat to leave him.

You now said tonite that you are NOT going to move again without a ring on your finger or a marriage under your belt.

So I ask you with all seriousnessness here...how are we supposed to take you seriously? And more importantly...how is HE supposed to take you seriously?? From what it sounds like to me, he knows how to distract you, get around your questions etc. He probably knows you pretty darn well. So isn't it fair to assume he might know that if you tell him 'hey I ain't movin without a ring buddy'...he will call your bluff. And I would almost guarantee that you would move again. Without a ring.

This is just my take on things after this very long thread. I *want* you to be strong enough to say Hey it's me and marriage or you go alone, but I don't think you will! Prove me wrong...it's in your best interest.

As for what I really think about the whole situation, you should not move with him without a ring or marriage. Period. The ball IS in your court, how are you going to play it? One other thing to think about...is this really how you want to get him to agree to marriage?

In any case, best of luck tomorrow.

 

[phoenixgirl]

You mentioned that he said that his parents would disapprove of living together (note that earlier you said that you both just value your independence -- I think that his parents play a bigger role in this than you realize). To me this ties in to the tension he feels between what his parents/culture/religion expect and what he wants to do. Most parents don't say, "Hip hip hurray!" when you choose to live together without a formal commitment, but you are both approaching 30, so it really shouldn't matter at this point. On the surface the obvious solution is just to get married, but there is a good chance that his parents' objections to living together are part of a whole kit and kaboodle of objections, one of which is marrying somebody of a different background.

There is no reason to move without an engagement ring. You have already moved once and are in the process of giving him an ultimatum, at the end of which you plan to cut ties and move on. It doesn't make any sense to move to NC just to find out what his answer will be on March 30. You can wait in Pittsburgh until you know what his answer is, and then you can either move to NC and get married or move elsewhere and start again.

I feel very strongly that you should not agree to move based on his vague statements about how he wants to be with you in the future. If that is the best he can come up with, that is a crying shame. Somebody on here said that you can not want to break up with somebody without wanting to marry that person. You will never know which one it is for him unless you stick to your guns -- stay in Pittsburgh and wait out your ultimatum.

I was going to write something encouraging about how I hope things go well tonight, but honestly, if it's not going to work out, you deserve to know sooner rather than later. So my hope for tonight is that things come to a head. You can't wait forever . . . you're not going to be 40 years old and hoping that this is the year he finally decides to propose. So I hope that this potential move either jolts him into dealing with his reluctance and proposing to you ASAP or that it makes you realize that he is never going to stop waffling. But PLEASE listen tonight with your head, not your heart. Yes, he will be sweet. He will scared of starting over in a new place and will look to you for emotional support. Yes, he will say he doesn't want to go without you. Well, why not? You're the plucky gal who will follow him to the ends of the earth without any indication that he is actually going to marry you! But if he does not say a) that you will get engaged and b) that soon means x many months, then he hasn't said anything and nothing has changed. PLEASE do not agree to uproot your life for somebody who is not meeting you half-way.

 

[Butterflies]

Date: 10/10/2006 9:03:47 AM
Author: phoenixgirl

There is no reason to move without an engagement ring. You have already moved once and are in the process of giving him an ultimatum, at the end of which you plan to cut ties and move on. It doesn't make any sense to move to NC just to find out what his answer will be on March 30. You can wait in Pittsburgh until you know what his answer is, and then you can either move to NC and get married or move elsewhere and start again.

I totally agree with this. If I were you I would tell him that you love him and that you don't want to put pressure on him, therefore, he should move to NC and when he has decided what he wants to do (by March/07) then you can discuss it and see if you agree. Becky I truly think this is the wise thing to do. You still never answered my questions regarding his parents, it could be a bigger issue than you want to acknowledge. Good luck tonight.

 

[Cailet]

Date: 10/10/2006 9:03:47 AM
Author: phoenixgirl
There is no reason to move without an engagement ring. You have already moved once and are in the process of giving him an ultimatum, at the end of which you plan to cut ties and move on. It doesn''t make any sense to move to NC just to find out what his answer will be on March 30. You can wait in Pittsburgh until you know what his answer is, and then you can either move to NC and get married or move elsewhere and start again.

I was going to write something encouraging about how I hope things go well tonight, but honestly, if it''s not going to work out, you deserve to know sooner rather than later. So my hope for tonight is that things come to a head. You can''t wait forever . . . you''re not going to be 40 years old and hoping that this is the year he finally decides to propose. So I hope that this potential move either jolts him into dealing with his reluctance and proposing to you ASAP or that it makes you realize that he is never going to stop waffling. But PLEASE listen tonight with your head, not your heart. Yes, he will be sweet. He will scared of starting over in a new place and will look to you for emotional support. Yes, he will say he doesn''t want to go without you. Well, why not? You''re the plucky gal who will follow him to the ends of the earth without any indication that he is actually going to marry you! But if he does not say a) that you will get engaged and b) that soon means x many months, then he hasn''t said anything and nothing has changed. PLEASE do not agree to uproot your life for somebody who is not meeting you half-way.

DITTO phoenixgirl

Becky - I really hope that tonight''s discussion brings you everything you are hoping for. I hope your guy really wakes up and lives up to your expectations.
But baring that I really hope that you stick to your guns and are faithful to YOURSELF. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who wants to marry you (since clearly marriage is what you want).

Keep us updated!!

 

[janinegirly]

becky, sounds like this is an excellent opportunity to get definitive answers to everything, so do not back down! from his perspective, he is going to want the security of knowing you are there for him (new job, new city to move to makes people feel insecure), and will say all kinds of nice things. I predict he may suggest moving in together and see how it goes.
You need to stick to your guns and operate as if you are single. You just moved to Pittsburgh and now are uprooting again? That''s not fun for anyone. Make sure this works out for YOU too. Do you like NC? How long will you be there? Who will cover moving expenses?
Don''t just roll over and say how high when he says jump. I too agree he needs to say you will be engaged by "x" date. Let us know how it goes tonight. I recommend not getting all mushy with your head in the clouds until you have 2 ques answered:
*his response to your letter (he owes you that still!)
*what is his timeline for propsal
*is this in line with your requirements (not to move without ring or definitive timeline which must be before March 2007 at latest).
hope it goes well!

 

[musey]

I hope you get what you're looking for tonight, Becky. I'm anxious to hear what happens!!

 

[Mara]

Date: 10/9/2006 10:39:44 AM
Author: Mara
it's interesting...i was telling greg a while back about some of the LIW's and how some of them have been with their bf's for many years and they are still hoping. his take on it was...these men are not going to get married to these gals. he said...well if they wanted to, they would have already. talk about simplistic male view. i of course feebly argued for the female side...aka there could be issues, reasons to wait, etc...but inside i kind of felt the same way. you don't go 5 or 7 years in a relationship and not have some progress...unless you just allowed the time to get away from you and now you are just stuck. why would a man who has been in a relationship for 5 years or whatever suddenly wake up one morning and want to get married? it COULD happen of course, and i think it does sometimes...but rarely.

Date: 10/10/2006 1:34:49 PM
Author: musey
Please forgive this momentary hijack, but I didn't think it was worth a whole new thread, and possibly still slightly relevant...
I'm confused. 5 or more years in a relationship, the non-LIWs say if it were going to happen, it would have already, and most likely it's too late. I posted a little while back about being 3 years in and waiting, and there were responses saying "what's your rush?" Is there some kind of cusp between 3 and 5 years at which you've crossed the line from "rushing" into "never gonna happen," which Becky has crossed and some of us have not? Or is it some kind of age+yearstogether=X equation (I'm 22) that I haven't been clued in to yet?

It seems like everyone's always so cut and dry in one direction or the other. You're expecting too much, you're not expecting enough, it's a lost cause, it's perfect. You know?

(Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone!)

__________________________________________

Musey I see you wrote this then deleted it and just said good luck to Becky...but lucky for me I had the page up so I copied and pasted your original response because I did want to respond.

I don't think that anything IS cut and dry or that there is even perfect or not. What is perfect anyway?? certainly nothing in a real relationship.

In your case, you are 22. So honestly I do think what's the rush....I think you're too young to get married right now, but that's another topic.

When Greg and I were talking about some of these LIW's, it was the ones who have been with their bf for 5-10 years and are mostly in their late 20's to mid 30's. Who are MORE THAN READY career wise, age wise, experience wise, to get married to the man they adore and they know he's the right one, and have wanted to get married for a few years. But he's dragging his heels. Giving excuses. Not ready. Not sure. Scared of marriage. Got issues. Whatever. But he is more than willing to live together or buy a house together or do other things that speak to the future, giving the gals very conflicting messages in my opinion. If you can buy a house together, why can't you get married? Here in CA we joke around that property ownership is more of a committment than marriage.

My point was really...if two people are floating along for years with no real PROGRESS made (and I don't mean two people saying 'yes we are on the same page which is a marriage in 2 years') towards a goal that one person wants or the other doesnt or whatever, then what is going to make the guy or gal in the relationship, the heel dragger, SUDDENLY wake up one morning after 5 years or 7 years or 10 years and get a blinding epiphany that they want to marry that person. Having been there and done that, I can tell you that it rarely happens and surely didn't in my case. I was just hoping it would. But that person was WRONG for me. So I am blessed and thankful it never happened in that relationship. There was a reason we were stagnant. I'm not talking about people who know they both want the same things. I'm talking about those who know what they want but they aren't sure what their mate wants. Or the mate wants something and the other person thinks they can change their mind.

Anyway, you have made a few comments about how quickly people tell someone to throw away a relationship and I'm truly baffled as to what you are talking about. People here speak from experience, and many non LIW's were LIW"s at some point either on PS or in their lives and have real advice to offer. People can take it or leave it. Others have already given disclaimers saying 'we don't really know you or your man but here's what i think because YOU ASKED'. I think that everyone knows that anything said is just based on what we hear Becky or others say, but we don't know what the relationship is really about. However, most times people outside of the relationship can give some of the best advice to people, because they are not immeshed in the drama.

So hope this helps because I don't think that anyone here gives bad advice, especially when it's some of the tough love that many LIW's don't want to hear. But I think many of the older, more experienced married gals (and LIW's too sometimes) can really see beyond the words and into the heart of the poster. And give some real advice other than 'hang in there, good luck!!!'.

 

[Julian]

Sometimes the advice here is so good I have nothing to add but encouragement. That''s why after the tough love, I personally choose to cheer the LIW on. Because in my mind, there''s room for both. Tough love and support. They aren''t mutually exclusive in my book.

And you ladies give such insightful advice, you should really team up to write a book. I''m serious.

Mara should author it or compile the advice with some insight...

Have you ever thought of doing this? Seriously, I can see Mara on Oprah one day! LOL.
(the bonus being, she could photograph Oprah''s diamonds in macro and post them on PS)

 

[Mandarine]

Date: 10/10/2006 5:28:30 PM
Author: Julian
Sometimes the advice here is so good I have nothing to add but encouragement. That''s why after the tough love, I personally choose to cheer the LIW on. Because in my mind, there''s room for both. Tough love and support. They aren''t mutually exclusive in my book.


And you ladies give such insightful advice, you should really team up to write a book. I''m serious.


Mara should author it or compile the advice with some insight...


Have you ever thought of doing this? Seriously, I can see Mara on Oprah one day! LOL.

(the bonus being, she could photograph Oprah''s diamonds in macro and post them on PS)

hehe...very true!. Mara has a good way of putting things out there in a simple and direct way!

Becky, I don''t have much to say because I think you''ve gotten great advice here. Good luck tonight and I hope you get the answers that you want.

I believe everything happens for a reason...so regardless of the outcome you will learn from this and become stronger. It is very hard sometimes when we are in the middle of a relationship with deep feelings involved to see things more as others from the outside see them. We''ve all been there...when we look back and wonder "what was I thinking!?"....well, we weren''t thinking...we were feeling and no advice was REALLY getting through....

Hopfully tonight you will be ready to move on...or let go.

Good luck tonight and keep us posted!

M~

 

[Mandarine]

Not trying to thread-jack but Mara, you have a very similar writing style to the author of the book "The Truth behind the rock"...I don''t know if you''ve ever read it, but I mean that as a compliment...if you go to a bookstore just read through a couple of pages so you''ll see what I mean (the author''s name is Jessica Kaminsky)


M~

 

[Mara]

haha Mandarine, I will have to check it out!! That''s funny!

I''m glad to hear that you gals don''t think I''m WAY out there with my advice...sometimes I feel like I am being TOO direct and lets face it, who wants to hear what someone thinks negative things about your relationship, but then I think well if this was one of my close gal friends I would totally tell her this in person, so why not give a PS''er the same respect of being frank and honest with my feelings? It''s just one opinion after all. In reality, the people here can take or leave whatever is important to them or rings true to them. I do think it''s wonderful that we have such the range of emotions from respondents...some people are compelled to give advice (moi) and others are best at giving the moral support that is necessary too.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/10/2006 1:48:26 PM
Author: Mara

So hope this helps because I don't think that anyone here gives bad advice, especially when it's some of the tough love that many LIW's don't want to hear. But I think many of the older, more experienced married gals (and LIW's too sometimes) can really see beyond the words and into the heart of the poster. And give some real advice other than 'hang in there, good luck!!!'.

Mara, I had a very very long response to this but thought better of it (BEFORE clicking submit, this time). Suffice to say that I feel it's unfair that you quoted and left a lengthy response to the post I retracted within a minute after putting it up (because I didn't want to hijack this thread and also didn't think it was relevant or helpful to Becky's situation in any way) and I wish you hadn't felt the need to do that. I would have left it up if I still wanted any kind of reaction to it. That's (supposed to be) the beauty of typing vs. speaking, being able to "take things back." However, it makes me think twice about clicking the "submit" button now (or posting at all in the future), so I guess that's probably a good thing.

...After a couple weeks on this forum, that's starting to sound like a metaphor for a relationship.

I personally would feel "supported" (and isn't this considered a "support" forum??) by simple well-wishes as well as full-blown novel advice, so I also don't think it's good to discourage people from posting, as you said, "hang in there, good luck!" Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, no, I don't think most people give bad advice, but people often try to be a little too influential (IMHO). When you think about therapists/psychologists, they don't tell you what to do. They try to help you to find your decisions on your own. I know that this is a completely different medium, but to me the posts that use that approach seem the most helpful. The ones that tell you what it seems the other person is thinking, where the relationship seems to be going, and let the poster make up their own mind about what it means to them (leaving out the "and therefore you should ________" part). This by no means applies to all the posts in this thread, because the majority of the advice is useful.

Becky, sorry again for the hijack, I tried to avoid that! And Mara, I do think that you give good advice, so I don't mean for any of this to offend. PriceScope really has been very helpful to me!

 

[tdiddy]

after following this thread for awhile now and now seeing the latest developments, i am wondering why becky would want to accept a ring from someone who was so hesitant until he was told he had to "pony up" or she wouldn''t go to NC with him. i don''t think that him moving far away to NC would prompt a sincere proposal considering he hasn''t been willing to do it so far. frankly, my guess is that the proposal would come move out of his fear to relocate alone. my other thought is that this could easily become an excuse to hold out a little longer b/c "it''s a big change he needs to adjust to" or "he needs to settle into his new job first."

the cultural issue is a whole other animal to tackle. i have two friends who have gone through this. one was invited to every family function where she was presented as the "friend" of the guy (they dated 3 years). he dumped her swiftly and completely at 28 when he finished med school and his parents insisted he marry another hindu indian. he did exactly what they said and never looked back. she''s still single. the other girl is still torturing herself - he''s muslim, she''s catholic. he makes no promises but she''s already halfway down the alter, too. selling her house in cincinnati and moving to NYC to be close to him. talking about rings and weddings and he is clear he''s just not there yet. culture, religion, and family generally dictate the lives of most people and are nearly impossible to change. i think you are facing some bad odds on this one from that perspective as well. so IMO you are batting 0 for 2.

i agree with those who say not to relocate to NC unless you are engaged or married to him, but i say let him move there first without you. make your own friends in pittsburgh, get some distance on it, focus your energy on yourself, and keep the deadline march. if you guys are still crazy about each other then and he is willing to buy you a ring at that point, then i think you''ll know it''s for real and you should take the ring and move down there to be with him.

best of luck to you....

 

[Mara]

musey...sorry but i felt that your question was relevant as you said yourself up above when posting. i also said in a later post, which quite possibly you missed, that i think it is helpful to have all types of responses in emotions from people, which means people who want to give advice and those who just want to say good luck. but i think many times those who go out on a limb and DO give advice often hear about it from those who just typically say good luck, because it's not quite seen as 'supportive' if you have something not quite positive to say. so there are both sides and as someone who is typically bluntly honest, i am typically not one to just say 'good luck' but...as others have also said, if great advice has been given then yes sometimes i actually have nothing to add (imagine that!).

also, just an fyi as well about revising posts. you have ~5 minutes after posting a post to revise it and have it not show up as a revision. after 5 minutes, if you revise a post, someone can still click 'revisions: 1' on the bottom of the post to see what your original post and all your revisions were. but as you already know, if you post and think better of it, someone can still see it and respond even if you have modified it.

personally i always think it's kinda sneakily fun to click on people's revisions to see what was changed! part of the mental thinking process while writing and all...sometimes i make a ton of revisions in my 5 minutes and other times i don't even touch it.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I never knew there was a 5 minute rule, Mara! You learn something new every day.

Becky~
I haven''t been around much to post lately because I''ve been really busy, but I''ve followed your thread. I don''t have too much to add because you''ve gotten a lot of advice and opinions on the situation. I do hope that tonight you get the answers you need to move on...in whichever direction that may be. Be sure to check in soon and let us know what''s happening, and I have to add a ''good luck'' plug. I''ll be thinking about you!

 

[widget]

Date: 10/10/2006 8:37:35 PM
Author: Mara
. after 5 minutes, if you revise a post, someone can still click ''revisions: 1'' on the bottom of the post to see what your original post and all your revisions were.

Totally OT:

Wow!!!! Learned something new today!

widget

 

[Mara]

haha i can''t believe you guys didn''t ever know that!!

didn''t you ever wonder why sometimes if you made a revision it showed up as a revision but then other times it didn''t? it dawned on me after a few times there was some sort of time limit...i estimated it was around 5 minutes. hehe.

BUT you are screwed if you go to modify it and someone has already clicked ''quote'' which then inserts your post into the thread...so if you change it after that, it''s quoted in another post!

 

[Mandarine]

I didn't know either about that 5-minute rule!!....although my revisions are usually just because I spot grammar errors or mistyped words and want to fix it before someone can see those

Back to the giving advice comments. I don't think I would post here if all I got was "hang in there, good luck"....even though sometimes that's all I find myself telling some posters, but if I'm asking a question on a public thread is because I want different opinions...and as long as they're being given in a respectful manner you should be ok with that. You should be able to take the advice or leave it, but at least you get broad views on a subject that you are obviously confused/concerned about.

There is this class I had to take at work called the "Totally Responsible Person"...and is about taking responsibility for your life...and what happens in your life. It pretty much says that everything that happens in YOUR life is YOUR responsibility and only you had the power to change something in your life if you are not happy with it. That applies perfectly to relationships...is not why he did or said that...is what am I going to do with that and feeling responsible for your decisions and self empowerment.

This class also gives a name to the people that sort of encourage you to feel sorry for yourself. I can't remember the actual name, but the class just tells you that these people are not really helping you. If I come to you with a problem and you say "I can't believe he did that to you", "you poor thing" or "I'd be furious too", etc...then you are not helping me...in fact, you are allowing and encouraging me to blame someone else for what is happening to me...instead of saying "ok, you're in a bad situation...but what are YOU going to do about it", "why did you react this way or the other", etc. I wish I could recall the name they give to those people because the name just makes perfect sense!!!. Now it's going to be on my head until I remember! I'll come back and post a revision when I do

Anyway. What I'm saying is that tonight is not about what Becky's BF will say to her, but what she will do and how she will react.

M~

(sorry for the long post, just came back from the gym and I guess my adrenaline levels are too high! hehe)

 

[Mandarine]

I did a search on the "Totally Responsible Person" and found some good points that may explain better what I'm trying to say:

* To develop self-awareness of when we enter into a victim consciousness or way of thinking so that we can choose to move beyond it;
* How to deal with our victim mentality in practical, scientific ways;
* That we have the power and ability to choose our attitudes and mood;
* How to stop taking things personally or letting things "get to us";
* To eliminate harmful habits of blaming, judging, criticizing and gossiping;
* How to assist others to be more responsible and effective by eliminating our rescuing and enabling of them;
* We may be unable to control our circumstances, but we can control how we handle them.

They call the people that allow you to fall into a state of feeling sorry and not responsible for yourself "enablers" (sp?) and also the "rescuers".

M~


ETA: here is a good article: http://www.trpnet.com/art_125.html

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Mara~ I did always wonder that! I don''t revise too often, but sometimes I''d go back and change the way something was worded because it didn''t make sense. I never figured out why sometimes it registered as a revision and other times it didn''t. Thanks!

Mandarine~ That''s really powerful! I can think of a few people in my life who could use that advice.