Kaleigh
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Blueroses...
- Thread starter allycat0303
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diamondfan
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Blenheim
Ideal_Rock
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fisherofmengirly
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Scintillating
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allycat0303
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FireGoddess
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Kaleigh
Super_Ideal_Rock
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anchor31
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kanne
Brilliant_Rock
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As usual, I''m on the tail end of things but wanted to send you the BIGGEST VIRTUAL HUG possible.
You are a WONDERFUL gal and no matter what happens you will still be fabulous. Somehow, even though you''ve had such a tough year, you manage to come through with wisdom, humor and kindness.
I''ve been where you are right now (for us 8 years of limbo/couples therapy/relationship break) and it was terrifying, empowering, heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you today.
lovey
You are a WONDERFUL gal and no matter what happens you will still be fabulous. Somehow, even though you''ve had such a tough year, you manage to come through with wisdom, humor and kindness.
I''ve been where you are right now (for us 8 years of limbo/couples therapy/relationship break) and it was terrifying, empowering, heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you today.
lovey
bee*
Super_Ideal_Rock
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jas
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Starset
Shiny_Rock
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aljdewey
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Cailet
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Mimikins24
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Blenheim
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FireGoddess
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BrightSpot
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I am overwhelmed by the kindness and support from you ladies, people who've never met me. Thanks very much for the recent words from Fishie, Scint, Ally, FireG, Lisa, Anchor, lovey, bee, jas, Starset, Alj, IrishAngel, Cailet, Princess V, Mimikins, Blue824, Equ, KristyDarling, Blenheim, sk8rjen, and Brightspot. Thank you.
I'm sure--given my silence since Saturday--that you have probably assumed correctly. It didn't turn out the way I wanted. He's not ready. Of course it's more complex than that. We love each other. He wants to be with me. Part of him is ready to start our lives together and wants that with me. But a larger part is not. All of him seems to realize what he is losing. (Not just me, but my family, our friends, dogs, a decade of shared history and jokes and support and births and deaths and LIFE.) But it's a genuine case, per our therapist and him, of "It's not you, it's him." Not that that is any comfort. It would be easier if it were just a case of not being loved enough. He's been in therapy EXTENSIVELY during this time, tears and self-help books (including that Oprah one, "lies at the aisle" or something!!!) up the wazoo. In the days leading up to the reunion, he went in 4 consecutive days. He wants to want this, to be ready. But his inner "truth" is that he's not. Perhaps from growing up too privileged and never having lost anything, perhaps being from an emotionally distant family--it really doesn't matter--he still has (at 33 and after almost 10 years together) work to do on himself; it's like he missed a step developmentally and is paralyzed. He went from the "umbrella" of his family to the "umbrella" of our relationship at age 23, without really ever flying solo.
Not that it makes it rational or any easier to understand. I can not wrap my head around it and in the last 4 days have boomeranged between pretty much every stage of grief (hanging out in bargaining for a while, trying to rationalize a way for it to work), and lots of time in shock, anger, denial. I am devastated and essentially broken. And all the while, as soon as we saw each other we both were like, "yep, this is right, we belong together." It feels wasteful, useless, tragic. I didn't miss him during the 3 months the way I do now.
It is possible--this is what our therapist thinks--that he needs to lose me to want this. That he needs to break up to grow up. And maybe that is true. But I can't wait any more, as much as every part of myself wants to go to his house, crawl in his bed, and cry in his arms right now. (Of course he's at work, so that would just be creepy.
Sorry, my brain will explode if I don't make jokes.) But I can't. It won't change it now.
So it remains to be seen what my story will turn out to be.
Maybe I'll have an ending like Lovey did and we will still find our way back to each other. It really could be that after TRULY losing me and being alone for a while that his head will be magically removed from his as$ and he will actually 100% WANT marriage. It's possible.
But I can't count on that.
So maybe I'll have an ending like Croi, and mourn this loss, mourn this DECADE of loving this man, and then will meet the person I'm supposed to be with.
Of course I want the former. Desperately. But if I stick around it never will happen.
I don't know what to do about myself on the list. I guess I should be removed. (I've been on there over a year and half, and I hate to force Starset up into #2!!!) I will leave it up to Anchor to decide what to do. Maybe I could be an "LIW Emeritus" or something.
So I will gratefully leave town in 10 days and be glad to have the geographical help with this break. I truly don't know if I can do it. The full cut-off hasn't happened, we have been talking and text messaging. We go to therapy together tomorrow. His garage is full of my storage. We'll still have to negotiate the "STUFF."
For now I will try to "enjoy" what's left of my birthday and continue to ponder this life I no longer recognize and the fact that I will be starting over at 32.
(((HUGS))) to all of you and thank you for your kindness.
I'm sure--given my silence since Saturday--that you have probably assumed correctly. It didn't turn out the way I wanted. He's not ready. Of course it's more complex than that. We love each other. He wants to be with me. Part of him is ready to start our lives together and wants that with me. But a larger part is not. All of him seems to realize what he is losing. (Not just me, but my family, our friends, dogs, a decade of shared history and jokes and support and births and deaths and LIFE.) But it's a genuine case, per our therapist and him, of "It's not you, it's him." Not that that is any comfort. It would be easier if it were just a case of not being loved enough. He's been in therapy EXTENSIVELY during this time, tears and self-help books (including that Oprah one, "lies at the aisle" or something!!!) up the wazoo. In the days leading up to the reunion, he went in 4 consecutive days. He wants to want this, to be ready. But his inner "truth" is that he's not. Perhaps from growing up too privileged and never having lost anything, perhaps being from an emotionally distant family--it really doesn't matter--he still has (at 33 and after almost 10 years together) work to do on himself; it's like he missed a step developmentally and is paralyzed. He went from the "umbrella" of his family to the "umbrella" of our relationship at age 23, without really ever flying solo.
Not that it makes it rational or any easier to understand. I can not wrap my head around it and in the last 4 days have boomeranged between pretty much every stage of grief (hanging out in bargaining for a while, trying to rationalize a way for it to work), and lots of time in shock, anger, denial. I am devastated and essentially broken. And all the while, as soon as we saw each other we both were like, "yep, this is right, we belong together." It feels wasteful, useless, tragic. I didn't miss him during the 3 months the way I do now.
It is possible--this is what our therapist thinks--that he needs to lose me to want this. That he needs to break up to grow up. And maybe that is true. But I can't wait any more, as much as every part of myself wants to go to his house, crawl in his bed, and cry in his arms right now. (Of course he's at work, so that would just be creepy.
So it remains to be seen what my story will turn out to be.
Maybe I'll have an ending like Lovey did and we will still find our way back to each other. It really could be that after TRULY losing me and being alone for a while that his head will be magically removed from his as$ and he will actually 100% WANT marriage. It's possible.
But I can't count on that.
So maybe I'll have an ending like Croi, and mourn this loss, mourn this DECADE of loving this man, and then will meet the person I'm supposed to be with.
Of course I want the former. Desperately. But if I stick around it never will happen.
I don't know what to do about myself on the list. I guess I should be removed. (I've been on there over a year and half, and I hate to force Starset up into #2!!!) I will leave it up to Anchor to decide what to do. Maybe I could be an "LIW Emeritus" or something.
So I will gratefully leave town in 10 days and be glad to have the geographical help with this break. I truly don't know if I can do it. The full cut-off hasn't happened, we have been talking and text messaging. We go to therapy together tomorrow. His garage is full of my storage. We'll still have to negotiate the "STUFF."
For now I will try to "enjoy" what's left of my birthday and continue to ponder this life I no longer recognize and the fact that I will be starting over at 32.
(((HUGS))) to all of you and thank you for your kindness.
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