Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Make sure the place you get is not a 3rd floor walk up, has lots of closets, and is on a quiet street! I don't know where you live, but if its a metropolitan area I can tell you from experience all the noise at night can drive you insane. Let us know when you find a fabu place!

(((((Hugs!)))))

 

[Ickeymouse]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Wow, this is a long thread, I just had to post...

Glad to hear you are going to live on your own. Best thing you could do. Cut ties with BF and all that emotional baggage. Start over again. Don't toy with the idea of getting together on occasion, or being friends.

You said in your original post that your BF did not want to get married cause of his father's history of failed marriages, etc. But you have been living together, basically, acting married for several years. In essence, you have been married for several years. You had said that your BF felt like you were an old married couple. You were an old married couple.

This break up is not really a break up, this break up is a divorce. It will be just as painful. Count on it. A word to the wise... be careful! If you had not been living together, all the problems in your relationship would have seemed more apparent (his likes vs your likes, his goals vs your goals, etc.), and probably you would have seen it sooner, but your emotional, physical and spiritual attachment to him, has made it impossible to see that very clearly. Thank the Lord you see it now.

Take time to really learn about yourself. Get to know yourself, and like yourself. Alone. You probably also have a lot of self doubt, confusion and a poor self image by now. Build up that self image!! Look at what you can accomplish, you are a smart girl!! A's on your tests!! Good for you, that ain't easy!! Congratulate yourself!!

Don't sell yourself short! Don't set yourself up for failure...think POSITIVE!! There is a difference in being alone, and feeling lonely. You don't need a man or a relationship to prove your worth. You need to become your own best friend. love yourself, and try to see yourself as Christ sees you. He is terribly in love with you!

When you look at this, five years from now, you will wonder why you waited so long, and you will be so very happy that you didn't wait any longer!

**edited by moderator. please comply with forum policies on religion**
Best to you

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I still have a hard time giving up the kind of savings I could squirrel away with a roommate.

Give the financial responsibility a rest for a moment! Sometimes saving money can be as bad an addiction as flying airplanes. Let money be your servant; not your master. Its there to use to make your life better. Of course, you have to manage it, save it, plan how best to use it but only up to the point where it makes your life better - both now and in the future. You need some amount of savings to get started on your plans for your future and have in case of contingencies but you don't need a tremendous saving account to prove to yourself that you're responsible with money.

OK, off my soapbox.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

This break up is not really a break up, this break up is a divorce. It will be just as painful. Count on it. A word to the wise... be careful! If you had not been living together, all the problems in your relationship would have seemed more apparent (his likes vs your likes, his goals vs your goals, etc.), and probably you would have seen it sooner, but your emotional, physical and spiritual attachment to him, has made it impossible to see that very clearly. Thank the Lord you see it now.

I agree with a lot of what you say, but I disagree with this part so vehemently I just have to say something.

AP and I were in very similar situations. And, you're right, a break up at this point will feel like a divorce. It sure did when my ex and I broke up. He moved out, we had to transfer bills, split the joint account, etc etc etc. But you know what? If we hadn't lived together, there is a strong chance we might have gotten married and then ended up divorced for real and it was precisely BECAUSE we lived together that it didn't happen. When we didn't live together it was very easy not to see things about him that became very clear once we moved in together because I saw what he wanted me to see. It's much, much harder to hide parts of yourself when you live with somebody, and oh thank goodness! Yes, it makes breaking up harder, but it's a great way to see if this is actually a person you want to marry. While I don't advocate moving in with every SO, I will say that having lived with my ex I certainly will not marry a man I haven't lived with. I loved living with him, it was a wonderful experience, and it had the benefit of getting me out of a relationship that wasn't right for me much more quickly than I would have otherwise.

Anyways, AP, sorry for the threadjack. A 1/1 is a great idea and I don't think you'll regret it at all once you move in. Now...need help decorating?

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

This break up is not really a break up, this break up is a divorce. It will be just as painful. Count on it. A word to the wise... be careful! If you had not been living together, all the problems in your relationship would have seemed more apparent (his likes vs your likes, his goals vs your goals, etc.), and probably you would have seen it sooner, but your emotional, physical and spiritual attachment to him, has made it impossible to see that very clearly. Thank the Lord you see it now.

I agree with a lot of what you say, but I disagree with this part so vehemently I just have to say something.

AP and I were in very similar situations. And, you're right, a break up at this point will feel like a divorce. It sure did when my ex and I broke up. He moved out, we had to transfer bills, split the joint account, etc etc etc. But you know what? If we hadn't lived together, there is a strong chance we might have gotten married and then ended up divorced for real and it was precisely BECAUSE we lived together that it didn't happen. When we didn't live together it was very easy not to see things about him that became very clear once we moved in together because I saw what he wanted me to see. It's much, much harder to hide parts of yourself when you live with somebody, and oh thank goodness! Yes, it makes breaking up harder, but it's a great way to see if this is actually a person you want to marry. While I don't advocate moving in with every SO, I will say that having lived with my ex I certainly will not marry a man I haven't lived with. I loved living with him, it was a wonderful experience, and it had the benefit of getting me out of a relationship that wasn't right for me much more quickly than I would have otherwise.

Anyways, AP, sorry for the threadjack. A 1/1 is a great idea and I don't think you'll regret it at all once you move in. Now...need help decorating?

Agreed. I did like a lot of what she said as well, but I'm still with you. This will be my second (almost) failed live-in relationship, and I'd still do it again, just more carefully next time. I think you learn too much about a person while living together to give that up. I won't marry someone without living together first. Next time living together will be a step towards marriage though, not something bred out of convenience...like as a test after all the thorough discussions where we *think* we'll be compatible but this is the 'living together test'.

As for decor - I've sort of been online shopping. I really need to pin down a place first so that I know what kind of space I'll have to work with, etc. I did go ahead a buy a quilt, the one I mentioned early on in the thread that I just loved.

Here it is:
Quilt:
http://www.target.com/DwellStudio-f...o® for Target® Mandala Coverlet 
Shams:
http://www.target.com/DwellStudio-T...® for Target® Mandala Sham - Standard
Decorative Pillows:
http://www.target.com/DwellStudio-T...-Pillow/dp/B000WXX6QA/ref=sc_pd_gwvub_1_title

The other side of the decorative pillows is better, shame they don't show it. Colors are reversed, gray background with gorgeous yellow flowers.

I'm thinking this bed frame from IKEA: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/S69849769

And this dresser from IKEA: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/00067830 -- White or Black? Haven't decided...

Nightstands from IKEA: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/10141858 -- same color dilemma

Lamps from IKEA for bedroom: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/50195043 -- very fun silver in person, would go great with the grey tones in the quilt I think.

Art: I found this on etsy, and think it would be pretty above the bed. http://www.etsy.com/listing/6552256...e=3&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade -- do you think the colors go?

For the living room - I've been given two couches (since the ones we have are his) that are a microfiber in a pretty blue color with espresso colored legs. I'll have to find end tables and a coffee table, tv stand. I have two black floor lamps for the living room that should go okay. Will also need some art and other things for the living room.

ETA: I actually found the couches online. There are two of them, same size. http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garde...crofiber-Flared-Arm-Sofa/2963482/product.html

Possible tables:
Coffee table - http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/10176292 or http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/80176284 -- anyone have a preference on shape? Guess it'll depend on the shape of the actual living room I end up with.
End Tables - http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20176282
Bookcase - http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/80176279

I'll have to decide what kind of art feel to go with. I'm all about feminine in this place since my current decor is pretty gender neutral. I'm (ETA NOT) looking for pinks and rainbows, but dainty and pretty.

Dining room - I've been offered two sets by friends, waiting on pictures to see which is nicer (since they're free I may as well pick the nicer set!). Both 4 seaters, wood. One is lighter, one is darker - I tend to like darker better. Probably need some art/accessories for dining room too.

Bathroom - I'll want to get new towels to match a yet to be found shower curtain, maybe some decorative baskets, etc for organization.

What do you guys thinks?

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Just wanted to let you know that all the stuff you picked is GREAT. This is going to be one of the best things you've ever done for yourself and you will not regret making this choice and living on your own. It'll be an interesting adventure, filled with emotions, good and bad, and one you will remember and look back on being happy about doing. I'm glad you're opening up this new chapter in your life!!!

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I love everything you've picked out! I kind of wish that was my style - it's so feminine and pretty!

 

[shinychic]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

If you are feeling the fundamental difference in lifestyle and opinion, just think how those issues will annoy you 20 years down the road... That said, love and marriage is hard work, perhaps you two should sit down and list priorities, and draw up a marriage "agreement", detailing shared chores, finances and the "logistics" of marriage.

 

[Ickeymouse]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

**Edited by moderator. Last warning, please do not discuss religion or link to religious websites or blogs**

 

[merilenda]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Oh dear. I'll refrain from commenting on that article, as I can see this thread turning into an ugly debate. I doubt that's what AP wants or needs.

AP: I absolutely love the things you've picked out! Your apartment is going to be lovely. I'm definitely loving your style.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks guys! Glad you like everything. Do you guys think white or black for the bedroom dresser and end tables with that bed frame and quilt set?

As for Ickeymouse's article, thank you, but I'd appreciate it if everyone disregarded it. The whole point of this thread had nothing to do with pre-marital cohabitation and it's certainly not a path I'd like this thread to take.

Any other art suggestions or accessory suggestions?

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks guys! Glad you like everything. Do you guys think white or black for the bedroom dresser and end tables with that bed frame and quilt set?

As for Ickeymouse's article, thank you, but I'd appreciate it if everyone disregarded it. The whole point of this thread had nothing to do with pre-marital cohabitation and it's certainly not a path I'd like this thread to take.

Any other art suggestions or accessory suggestions?

I vote for white! Reason being is because what you've chosen for your bedroom set is very light and airy and I think white is a very "airy" kind of color

 

[merilenda]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks guys! Glad you like everything. Do you guys think white or black for the bedroom dresser and end tables with that bed frame and quilt set?

As for Ickeymouse's article, thank you, but I'd appreciate it if everyone disregarded it. The whole point of this thread had nothing to do with pre-marital cohabitation and it's certainly not a path I'd like this thread to take.

Any other art suggestions or accessory suggestions?

I vote for white! Reason being is because what you've chosen for your bedroom set is very light and airy and I think white is a very "airy" kind of color

Yep, I agree with AN. I think either black or white would look nice, but white seems to go with the other decor you've chosen really well.

 

[texaskj]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

White won't show dust as much or as fast. My boyfriend has two dressers from that line in a different color and they're great. They're the right mix of substantial weight but not impossible to move. The drawers come out and go back in easily. They're so classic in shape you could always paint them or use them for a kid's room. Some of Ikea's stuff is garbage, but this line is really good. I've been following this thread from the beginning and I'm really happy for you advice. It will be a little bumpy for a while, but you're making all the right decisions. (I wish I had when I was your age.) *Hugs*

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I was thinking white for the bedroom tables too. Normally I wouldn't go for white furniture - but it really would show dust lest and I'm afraid that the black will make the room look more masculine then feminine which isn't what I'm going for at all.

I found the tv stand that matches the other living room stuff I linked to, I couldn't find it yesterday...
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/80176298

I was also wondering about possible kitchen themes - anyone care to share? Our kitchen right now has a grapes/winery theme. We agreed on it, but I want to do something different for my place. When we moved into our current apartment I wanted to switch up the kitchen stuff to a bistro theme, like black/red/white with the little chef men, etc. but we never did. I don't think I want to do that now because a) it doesn't feel feminine which is what I'm going for and b) it reminds me of him since I wanted to do it together. I want my own kitchen theme.

I was thinking a lemon/lime/citrus theme and bring in some bright yellows, oranges, greens, pinks, etc for all our citrus fruits (lemon, lime, orange, grapefruit).

I was maybe thinking a day/night theme too with yellows and blues for morning/evening.

Anyone care to share their kitchen themes? I'm kind of digging the citrus theme idea but I'm not exactly sure how to implement it other than by color since I'm not sure there's a plethora of accessory choices that would match, you know?

Anyway....ideas, please!!!

For the bathroom, I definitely want to implement a spa feel. Not sure on colors? My coworker is obsessed with bedrooms and bathrooms matching so she thinks I need to do yellow/grey but I'm hesitant since it's like the bedroom, and I think the kitchen may end up with yellows too somehow...

Bathroom ideas would be great too! I'm thinking crisp white, chocolate browns, touches of relaxing blues and greens?? Does that give off a spa vibe?

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Favorite night stand from the series?

1 - http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/10141858 -- original choice
2 - http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70121230
3 - http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/90121229

I think I'm still leaning towards the first one since it would hide cords, etc from lamps and cell phone chargers, alarm clocks, etc. The third one has a more feminine look to it (and is cheaper). What do you guys think?

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Kitchen art ideas that give you an idea of the color scheme I'm thinking if the citrus theme wins:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/2291294...art&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade --shows pink and green

http://www.etsy.com/listing/7202533...art&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade --not quite as vibrant, but general idea

http://www.etsy.com/listing/7180008...e=9&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade --EXACTLY what I mean colorwise - anyone know what bookcloth is? Is it something I could frame and hang?

http://www.etsy.com/listing/7111578...e=2&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade -- just missing the Pink Grapefruit and it would be perfect...

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Cute! I'm not big on themed kitchens (currently my theme is "Whatever works" + "Artwork that makes you go 'hmmmm'"), but I think the citrus idea is super cute. As long as it makes you smile when you think about it, I say go for it!

Also, for furniture, don't be afraid of garage sales! I have a gorgeous dresser that I just love that I sanded down, painted, and changed the pulls on. It's amazing what a difference that makes! It gets you really personal decor and is usually pretty cheap.

Also, check out the mirrored nightstands from Target. I just bought two and I'm completely in love with them.

 

[merilenda]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think I also like the first nightstand, for the same reasons. Easier to hide cords + hidden storage.

While I don't have a kitchen theme at all, I love the ideas you posted. The artwork is so fresh and fun and summery. I'm not totally sure what a book cloth is, but I'm picturing the cloth book covers we used to get when I was in middle school. You stretched them around your book. If it's what I'm thinking of, it wouldn't really be a flat piece of cloth that you could frame. But who knows, I could be totally wrong.

I definitely want to redo our bathroom and bedroom sometime. So I'm liking the ideas you're posting!

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I love your idea for the spa bathroom. I've been watching DIY and dreaming of the day we can remodel so I can have a big spa/bathroom with lots of pale blues/greens, deep midnight blues, and dark (like a rich chocolate) brown woods. I think the blues/greens are just so relaxing.

Your citrus kitchen sounds lovely too!


(now I've got to go catch up on the last 15 or so pages so I can see the rest of your wonderful plans!)

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Oooh, I love your tastes! Feminine is the way to go!

A citrus-y theme is great for the kitchen. Will you move into an apartment where you can paint the walls? That always gives me ideas. I've chosen a bright sunshin-y yellow for my kitchen and its given me lots of ideas for decor.

 

[pancake]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Whilst I think the idea of living alone is a good one in principle, it depends on what suits you best.

I lived alone after I broke up with my ex (who was another Man Boy, but more on that in a sec) - this was enforced however as I moved o/s to work about 2 months after the split. By nature I am an extrovert and I much prefer being around people to being by myself, not through lack of self-concept or self-confidence, but just because that's the way I'm built.

I think if you can find a roommate (and I would STEER WELL CLEAR of anyone connected to your bf) and you'd prefer it that way, go for it.

I know this is not really a Man Boy thread, but I wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying that it will get better and you will be ok, because when I went through my Big Breakup it really did help to hear other people's breakup stories and reassure myself that they bounced back! I was pretty sure I WOULDN'T be okay - I lost about 7kg, couldn't eat/sleep/read/listen to music/go out. I had stuck by my then-boyfriend (of 4 years) through 12 months of him obsessively studying for his medical exams. He was out at lectures and study group several nights a week and on weekends, and when he was home I would cook for him and wait for him to spend some time with me away from the books (it seldom happened). When he finished the exam we all went to the pub with his fellow exam-sitters to celebrate. We got home at midnight and he burst into tears and told me he "couldn't do this any more". Couldn't do WHAT??? He wasn't cooking, he wasn't rushing home from work in the hope of spending some time with me, he wasn't moving his social commitments around so that he could be there for me, his life was not revolving around mine.

2 days after we broke up, he told me on the phone (in a good demonstration of why any contact should be banned after a breakup) that "just pragmatically speaking", he was probably going to hook up with a girl from his study group in the next little while, because, you know, "we've been supporting each other during a really difficult time". "Pragmatically speaking", WTF??? Then, weeks later when I went around to get the last of my stuff, I found our letterbox heaving with all the overdue unpaid bills that had gathered since I'd moved out (and my credit rating threatened because of it). When I texted him to ask about it, he said, "Sorry, I'll try and get onto it. I've been really busy and working 120 hour fortnights." Because obviously, having a working life precludes and excuses a person from exercising their day-to-day life responsibilities. He was uncooperative when one of my friends arranged for a removalist to come and get the furniture (which was all mine) saying he was "busy" and only caved when she pointed out to him in a curt email, "All I need you to do is let the removalists in and point at stuff." When I told him I wanted my name off the lease ASAP, he wanted to leave my name on it until the year was up "because it would save all the paperwork."

Despite all of that, I came to see that it had been a really great relationship, until it wasn't any more - it had stopped meeting each of our needs and wants. My grief was for what had been, not for what I actually left behind. That is a natural process which takes...well - it takes as much time as it takes, and you can't put a timeline on grieving. I don't think that it helps to somehow demonise the ex and the relationship because let's face it - if there had never been anything good you wouldn't have been there. But it does help to eventually make the realisation - and start to believe - that by the time it ended, it was no longer what you wanted. Sometimes that takes a long while, too. All these realisations take time, but they definitely make you better and stronger and more sure of yourself.

It's now 4 years on; tomorrow is my first wedding anniversary - and I am married to a wonderful, unselfish, generous man who understands the concept of give and take, makes me laugh, and never lets me forget that I am important to him. You are young, easy-going, attractive and unafraid of commitment - the right relationship will find you, and in the end this relationship (the topic of this thread) will have been an essential stepping-stone to getting to a place where you are happy and fulfilled - paired up or not.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thakns for all the input guys - I really appreciate it! At least this is giving me something to look forward to, ya know?

pancake - thank you for that thoughtful post, it really means a lot

I'm going to see an apartment tonight after work, I think it's pretty perfect and I'm excited to see it in person. I drove through the neighborhood with my best friend last night and it's WONDERFUL. Less than 2 miles from work and school. It's a 1 bedroom 1 1/2 bathroom which is GREAT so people don't have to use mine and the ENTIRE apartment is TILE, no knappy carpet! I'm stoked about that!

Fingers crossed and PS Dust that it'll all work out! I'm HOPING they'll hold it if I put the deposit down until I'm ready to move. I don't want to move earlier than June 15th-ish and would really prefer a move-in date of like 6/25. It's only about 6 weeks out at this point, but the unit is vacant so I know they want to fill it...

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

All tile is great unless you live up north like we do. Sounds will echo, and the floors can be cold in the winter. The plus side is you won't have to worry about any fleas left behind from another tenant, and it's easy to clean (get a Hoover Floormate! It's a Godsend with my crew!). If it's neutral color, you can change your decor at the drop of a dime, for holidays and seasons.

Good luck, let us know how you make out!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

All tile is great unless you live up north like we do. Sounds will echo, and the floors can be cold in the winter. The plus side is you won't have to worry about any fleas left behind from another tenant, and it's easy to clean (get a Hoover Floormate! It's a Godsend with my crew!). If it's neutral color, you can change your decor at the drop of a dime, for holidays and seasons.

Good luck, let us know how you make out!

I live in FL so tile is an AMAZING thing, especially in the rainy season. It's a neutral tan sort of color with a sort of pattern - I don't think it would show dirt much at all.

The apartment was ok - not great, but certainly not bad. I think my expectations may be too high for my budget. I took two friends to see it and they both think it will be a good option, particularly if I can get them down on the price a little.

I'm going to go see some more places tomorrow in traditional complexes in my area to do some price and quality comparisons to try and see how I really feel about the place.

Nice things, besides the tile, is that it is large for a 1/1 around here, it's in a great area, quiet, and for being less than 2 miles to a major university, is not over run with students.

It's still on the list - I think I just need to look around to see if it's actually priced well or not (I'm thinking it's priced too high for what it is).

We shall see....

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You'll know when you found the right one. It's out there...just gonna take some time to find it.

 

[kagordo4]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Oh!! I'm in Florida, too! What part are you? I might be able to suggest some stores you would like, after looking at all of your choices for apartment stuff we seem to have similar taste (fab might I add? : P ).

Glad to see you're doing better. Keep your head up!!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You'll know when you found the right one. It's out there...just gonna take some time to find it.

Thanks Wink

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Oh!! I'm in Florida, too! What part are you? I might be able to suggest some stores you would like, after looking at all of your choices for apartment stuff we seem to have similar taste (fab might I add? : P ).

Glad to see you're doing better. Keep your head up!!

Hah, I'm in Tampa.

Anyone figured out which (no longer) LIW I am?

 

[Hospatogi]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I love that you are going with spa like colors for your bathroom. My parents are doing their own DIY bathroom remodel and everyone at the Home Depot is saying that soft beiges, taupes, creamy yellows, sage green, and soft blues are def very much the trend right now. I am in love with Homegoods, I think they are owned by marshalls? Anyway I just managed to snag queen ralph lauren sheets that were soo soft and were just $20 yeaaa I am so envious that you can decorate your place any way you want to. My roomate is stuck in the 80s so lets just say its hard to coordinate styles with her hehehe