Marriage, social class, and tattoos

[laine]

My DM has recently expressed some misgivings about my BF (hopefully soon-to-be FI) and our class differences and his tattoos. These are things that I didn''t think were too big of a deal, but I''m wondering if I''m being too naive, so I wanted to get some other opinions. There is an amazing and diverse group on this forum, so I figured you could give some input.

The back-story:
I grew up in a middle class family, though my family has shifted to upper-middle class since I left home. I attended college and am now in grad school, and hopefully in two years I''ll be employed as a college professor. My chosen field does tend to be fairly liberal, if that helps.

My BF grew up in a middle class family as well (maybe a little towards the lower end of middle class). He tried college, but did not think it was for him and ended up going to one of the top tech schools in the country, graduated at the top of his class, and now works as a mechanic. He''s blue collar, but is also quite smart, just not the "book-learning" type. He has one tattoo on his leg (and may get more, though I''m hoping not), and is planning on finishing his full sleeves. The tattoos are traditional or classic styled tattoos (cards, horseshoe, roses, car themed things, tasteful pin-up girl) and not too offensive. He is really good about keeping them covered when it is appropriate (though we have trouble on family trips to the beach).

Other than the tattoos, he is a wonderful person (my brother actually called him a phenomenal human being), treats me better than I could ask, and will be a great father (you should see him with our cats). In my opinion, all of this trumps the tattoos and working class job. We both want a simple, country lifestyle, though I would like to travel more than he does--but thats fine, I can do it on my own or with family and friends if he doesn''t want to join me.

So, does anyone have any experience with social class differences or tattoos. Did you find peoples judgment to be severe and did it negatively impact you? If you were to meet us as a couple (or family) how much would it affect your perceptions of us? I realize there will be some impact on my life, but am I naive in thinking its not going to be that big of a deal and we can get past it?

 

[Independent Gal]

I did my Ph.D. at a top 5 school, and in my cohort, there were 3 married couples where one partner was a skilled tradesman without a degree and the other wanted to be a professor. No one ever even thought about it, except to think how great it was that the person had a partner who was "portable" (since college professors don't always get to choose where they live! and skilled tradesmen can work just about anywhere). Seriously. It was never awkward and it never came up.

I think it is a 100% non-issue. Except perhaps among people you wouldn't care to be friends with anyway.

At the same time, I understand your FFI's worries. My FI's family are much more 'sophisticated' than mine. His family has a long history that they are proud of, expensive taste, etc. My immediate family is 'prominent' but we're until pretty recently potato-munching peasants. My parents were the first to go to college. So, I sometimes worry whether his family would think we are crass because our tastes are less sophisticated, etc.

The point is, they just might, but they wouldn't JUDGE us by it because they ultimately only care whether we are good people, because THEY are good people. Get it? If they DID judge us by it, they wouldn't be people I respected.

So his worry is one that is normal, but anyone who thinks his tatoos and profession are more than 'exotic' isn't worth your time.

 

[Skippy123]

I wouldn't worry about it at all. Hubby and I were complete opposites. As long as he has a good heart I think it should not matter at all and it sounds like he works hard too; so you have no worries! Sounds like you have a good guy!

ETA: ooops, I don't think hubbyand I look different socially, nor we our familys very different but my feelings are if you love him and he is good to you it shouldn't matter and I like what IG says above.

 

[decodelighted]

Speaking GENERALLY ... classism seems to be one of the final frontiers of "acceptable" prejudice in this country (another being: weightism). Hopefully that will change ... but since our whole national ethic is capitalism, social climbing, more more more-ity ... it''s tough.

I just saw a doc on the subject on PBS -- can''t remember the name exactly but something like "Class In America". There''s also a book a friend recommended called "Class Matters".

On a PERSONAL level, every relationship comes with "pros" & "cons" ... it *is* possible that your FF''s tattoos & profession *could* become "con-ish" at some point. But possibly not. We can''t ever really predict each and every situation. Sometimes you just take a leap of faith. Those gals marrying Doctors have crosses to bear too (lack of time, arrogance, god-complex) -- it''s all trade-offs. Whether he''s a good match for you, whether you complement each other is so much more important than any outward feature or skill set or interest.

ETA: I never thought I''d marry someone who hasn''t yet graduated from college. It used to be a "dealbreaker" for me. The other women in my family have all married men with graduate degrees. After working closely with a genius or two who hadn''t graduated from college - people I greatly admired, it changed my mind & allowed me to meet my husband: a certifiable genius who is *currently* finishing a degree he started years ago. I realized that "smart" was the quality I was looking for -- as had my sisters & my mother & my grandmothers. I just found it in a different wrapper.

 

[luckystar112]

I have tattoos, and they make me feel self-conscious and skanky....lol let's be honest here. I wish someone would have pulled me out of the tattoo parlor by my ear, but alas, I was eighteen and determined to shed my squeaky clean image. I wish I could say that having tattoos doesn't make people assume things about you, but it does. Your bf sounds like the type that "owns" his tattoos and loves them, which is great! I wish I could "own" my tattoos. Now, if members of your family could just accept them too. hmmm. See, this is why I've kept mine hidden from my future in laws! Even though they'd probably be shocked and get over it, I still get paranoid and want so badly to go back to that squeaky clean person that I really am. I wish people weren't judged by their tattoos, but they are.

As for your BF being a mechanic. Do they not know the kind of money mechanics make? It might depend on the area, but my BF makes triple what other 26 year olds in our circle make. He is now a general manager of an independant shop, and he is making close to what my parents make combined. (My parents are middle-class.) People seem to think that mechanics only get paid $7 an hour or something, and that they must not be that "smart". Bologna! It's just a different kind of smart.

So, I think it's kind of snobby of your mother to judge him, especially since he treats you so good. I wonder if she's worried about YOU or if she's worried about how it will make HER look that your BF has tattoos. I say, if you love him, and he treats you like a princess, and he's able to hold his own financially....you are doing NOTHING wrong....and well, they just need to get over it.

 

[Independent Gal]

In terms of the "ladies marrying doctors" thing... One thing I''ve often been struck by in terms of "different kinds of smart" is that doctors and mechanics actually have kind of the same job. So, it might actually be the same kind of smart, if you know what I mean.

They both observe symptoms, deduce information from them, isolate a problem, and figure out how to fix it. They both work with their hands to do so. The body, after all, is a very complicated machine. Just like a car.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Well, *I* have a large tattoo, went to a top 5 school, and want to be a college professor....

I love the tattoo, my FI loves the tatto, my mother and grandmother find it pretty...really, I've never regretted it and it doesn't make me feel skanky or embarrassed. I need to get it touched up in a spot in a few years, but that's just a little cosmetic thing.

Mine is covered most of the time, but I have never had a bad reaction on it, my father is still a little bemused that I have it, but other than that, no. The most amusing thing is that people ask me if it is real.

I'm a little bemused by your wording "other than the tattoos and the working class job," he's a great guy. There is nothing WRONG with having tattoos and a (honestly, sounds very well paying!) working class job. Heck, plumbers make mad bank.

I agree with deco that weight-ism and class-ism are the 2 "final frontiers" of prejudice. It's all about the individual person!

I think you will get past it fine as long as you NEVER allow yourself to become ashamed of him or to ever act ashamed of him.

 

[Independent Gal]

Rainbow makes a good point right at the end. I'd be careful never to allow yourself even a tiny whiff of the feeling that you are "ashamed" of his tatoos or his doctor-for-cars job. I mean, you don't have to LIKE his tatoos, but if he ever felt like you were 'ashamed' of him in any way, that could actually cause a real problem between you two.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/26/2007 12:56:43 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
Well, *I* have a large tattoo, went to a top 5 school, and want to be a college professor....


Mine is covered most of the time, but I have never had a bad reaction on it, my father is still a little bemused that I have it, but other than that, no. The most amusing thing is that people ask me if they are real.


I'm a little bemused by your wording 'other than the tattoos and the working class job,' he's a great guy. There is nothing WRONG with having tattoos and a (honestly, sounds very well paying!) working class job. Heck, plumbers make mad bank.


I agree with deco that weight-ism and class-ism are the 2 'final frontiers' of prejudice. It's all about the individual person!


I think you will get past it fine as long as you NEVER allow yourself to become ashamed of him or to ever act ashamed of him.

Agreed agreed. I also have a tattoo (it's small and always covered, but still), am going to a top graduate program, and want to be a professor, no problems here. It will only be a problem if YOU see it as a problem. I assume there must be some worries about that due to the "other than the tattoos and job" phrase.

You need to just be honest with yourself about whether it bothers YOU or not.

 

[CaptAubrey]

FWIW, a college friend of Mrs. Aubrey''s who came from an upper middle-class East Bay (SF) family married a guy who''s a professional carpenter. They met one night at bar, hooked up on a one-night stand, and are still together 15+ years later, with two kids. He never spent a minute in college, but he''s a successful contractor, a very nice guy, and treats her very well.

On the other hand, my cousin, who grew up in a relatively affluent family, married a guy who bounced from one retail sales position to another, in between blowing a lot of money on hairbrained ideas. The marriage was rocky from the beginning, and they got divorced after about five years.

It can work, but it''s like meatloaf--it''s all in what goes into it.

 

[onedrop]

Weellll....let''s see....I personally grew up what is considered to be middle to upper-middle class, however my parents were both from working class families. I have a post-graduate degree in a fairly conservative field. AND I have a tattoo! To date I haven''t received any backlash or sideways glances (to my knowledge) from anyone, but then again, my tattoo is not in a very prominent place and can only be seen if I wear clothing that exposes my shoulders. These days, tattoos are very common place, so I am not sure that there is still SO much of a stigma in place.

My husband is from a different country but I guess he is probably in the same social class as I am back in his country. However, the income one might make there is nowhere near what US incomes are. So there is a sort of gap in that way. Currently we have a big income disparity as he is just starting to get his feet wet in the US job market.

During our relationship and subsequent marriage, I have yet to see any *real* differences between us "class" wise because despite the gap we were raised with the same values and work ethic, and because we have similar goals for the future. And that is where I think the key is. From what you''ve said it sounds like you and your boyfriend have a similar view for your future together and have managed the differences that exist between the two of you just fine. To me, that is the most important barometer. If people have doubts, just let the strength and longevity of your relationship speak for themselves.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I think class issues are absurd for the sake of them being "class" issues. People are people. period. And it should be that way.

Values are another thing though... and these can be influenced by how we were raised and it is THESE differences that can come up to bite our relationships in the butt. My husband and I grew up in different "class" groups (though I cringe to say that because it''s a) ridiculous and b) pretentious not to mention irrelevant and cruel) and he is at this point in life actually more successful than most in my family and by leaps and bounds more than anyone in his family. But the things that actually come up as issues are things like, "how much of our children''s college to we intend to pay for" or maybe in your case "will we raise our children with the expectation that they will go to college even though dad didn''t?" Do we spend and enjoy our youth or do we sacrifice now for a strong retirement.

The fact that you have a remarkable human being negates everything "class" was designed to discriminate - but values, particularly our value of money and education, can and will rear its ugly head. but see it for what it really is - our values (and there is no right or wrong, just what we individually prefer), not an arbitrary and antiquated and limiting "class" system.

 

[laine]

Thanks for the input!

IG-"If they DID judge us by it, they wouldn''t be people I respected" This was definitely my outlook on the whole thing, and all of my friends who know him think he''s a great guy. It was my mom that had me second guessing myself--most of my friends are my age--theres a whole older demographic out there who do hold more prejudices. Are they going to react like my mom, or like my professor who started talking about the tattoo he wanted to get?

About my "other than the tattoos" phrasing: I didn''t mean it to sound like I think that makes him not a good person, I meant it more as "In other news..." I definitely see what you all mean there, and I see the cause for concern, but rest assured, that was poor wording on my part, not doubt.

Unfortunately the mechanic gig isn''t so well paying now--he''s stuck in a not so good town (he''s here for me mostly). He works on high end cars, so it should pay well, but mechanics at this dealer make less than car-wash boys at some shops. It should get better when we move! Unfortunately his job isn''t quite as portable as I hoped. Though every town needs mechanics, not every town needs mechanics for the cars he works on. So finding a town with jobs for both of us could prove challenging. To be honest, this concerns me far more than the tattoos.

I''m not ashamed of his job or his tattoos. I don''t hesitate to tell people what he does for a living (and that yes, I''m like the shoemakers wife or whatever the phrase is--my car never gets worked on). He knows I don''t like a few of his tattoos, but overall, they''re just part of him (I truly don''t notice them sometimes) and I''m fine with them--I kind of like the overall effect. I do request long sleeves on occasion and he often wears them on his own (in front of any of our grandmas, for fancy occasions, events with my department).

I really wasn''t concerned about it until my DM brought it up recently and started me second guessing things. In her defense, she had never had a problem with him before and had even commented that she was happy I was with someone so good to me. He recently got tattooed from the elbow to wrist which increased her concerns, and has had a number of other stressors which have left her a little off kilter and not responding rationally lately. She''s also always wanted me to be the preppy pretty girl type (she wanted me on the tennis team, I wanted to be a drama freak), and while I''ve cleaned up since high school, I''ll never be what she dreamed, and I''ll never like the type of guys she pictured, so she''s adjusting to that. Her friends all have the type of kids she wanted me to be/date, so she has trouble with that, I think.

I really am glad to hear that other people agree that its not a big deal. Any advice on helping my DM deal, or do I just let her get over it with time? We had planned on getting engaged before the end of the year, but I''d like her to be more at peace with things before that happens.

 

[laine]

Cehra--Values are a really good point because they are often lumped with class issues, but aren''t really the same thing. In terms of values, we grew up in very similar families and share most of the same values. We have similar views on homeownership, religion, child rearing, family. I think we''re on the same page about childrens'' education and money, but since we don''t have any kids or any money, its sort of hard to say for sure. Values are definitely of paramount importance--and I think we''re doing just fine on that front.

 

[nytemist]

As long as this person makes you happy. That is what matters.

My now husband grew up in a kind of conservative Irish family in a upper-middle class town. His parents were both English professors, he and his sisters went to college, pretty reservered because of his grandmother. His dad nearly became a priest! He got tattoos and for ten years his parents never knew.

Then enter me: extremely outgoing, full-figured, African-American witch with tattoos and a, let''s say, interesting wardrobe. I went to college for design, but went back to school years later for a completely different career interest. For a while, he was nevous to tell his family he was seeing me. After about 6-7 months, coming up on his birthday dinner that his parents were to have at their house, he wasn''t sure if I could come; he didn''t know if his parents and sisters would be accepting of me. I said ''if you''re ashamed of me, tell me now and this whole thing is over.'' Since that wasn''t what he wanted, he invited me. Lo and behold, his parents had no problem with me, especially since I could hold my own in a Monty Python conversation.

His family loves me, though his family (very small) and my dad''s family (huge family of loud Southerners) are completely different. They don''t see me as a different class, just as the person that makes their son happy.

My mother is into the whole ''what will people think'' train of thought. She wanted me to cover my tats for the wedding. I said heck no. I love them and plan on getting more.

 

[luckystar112]

I don''t think that it''s the fact that he has a tattoo. It''s the fact that he has tattooS, and in places that are clearly visible, which is leading her family to snub him.

I myself have three tattoos, and they are all covered 100% of the time. I hope I didn''t offend anyone when I said that I feel skanky with them. There is nothing offensive about what I chose to put on my body, they just aren''t me--and I knew that going in. A lot of people think my tattoos are beautiful, but...I look back and wish I never did it.

I don''t think there is ANYTHING wrong with tattoos, and I would never judge someone for it. But when someone has multiple visible tattoos, people have a tendency to judge. To wonder about their past. To think that they don''t care about their body. Stuff like that. Silly, yes. But that''s life.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Okay, from the opposite prospective, I am NOT a fan of tatoos at all. Sorry, but I don''t like them. lol! The deal though is I see them more as a generational thing rather than a class thing. Seems everyone under the age of 35 has at least one, so mostly I think of them in terms of a massive trend expanding through MANY class levels/personality types/educational & professional levels rather than just one niche of society. I worry mostly that many will regret their tatoos later in life. I know that I''m very fickle and wouldn''t like anything I tatooed now in 10 years in the future. I''d hate to be stuck with a pink hello kitty on my arm for the rest of my life!

 

[Nicrez]

Date: 7/26/2007 2:51:26 PM
Author: MC
Okay, from the opposite prospective, I am NOT a fan of tatoos at all. Sorry, but I don''t like them. lol! The deal though is I see them more as a generational thing rather than a class thing. Seems everyone under the age of 35 has at least one, so mostly I think of them in terms of a massive trend expanding through MANY class levels/personality types/educational & professional levels rather than just one niche of society. I worry mostly that many will regret their tatoos later in life. I know that I''m very fickle and wouldn''t like anything I tatooed now in 10 years in the future. I''d hate to be stuck with a pink hello kitty on my arm for the rest of my life!

MC, what do you have against the pink Hello Kitty on my arm? It''s quite tasteful, unlike the Transformers Optimus Prime tattoo I have NEXT to it...

I agree I am not a tatoo person and yes everyone lately has one. To me it''s not worth the pain or effort. I suppose it''s judgmental but I also never dated anyone who had one. I can''t stare at a saggy discolor tattoo for the rest of my married life. It''s a personal preference. It all comes down to what you want, and what you envision your self with. I can find many men who are nice and can treat you right, truly. It''s how you respect him back that''s important as well. You have to think, ok if we had kids and they where to replicate this man, do I want that? if it''s just tattoos and a blue collar job, and that''s ok, then I say ENJOY!

But i have friends who would not want that, and still want a nice guy. So they go for the white collar men with NO tattoos, but they also are the kind that it matters to. What do YOU want, because if you have to defend him against your family, you better really want it!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 7/26/2007 3:59:28 PM
Author: Nicrez

MC, what do you have against the pink Hello Kitty on my arm? It''s quite tasteful, unlike the Transformers Optimus Prime tattoo I have NEXT to it...

Optimus Prime rules! lol My kids would be so jealous if they could see your arm!!!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

If you love each other why worry about it. Does he make you happy? Does he support you in your choices/decisions? If yes then I''d forget about DM and follow your heart.

I wouldn''t be too fond of tattoos that are all the way up the arms or all over the neck or other exposed area but to each his/her own. If that''s what he likes then so be it. If you accept it then it should not matter what others think.

As far as the job is concered, I''m sure there will be bigger and better things for him in the future. He can''t help it if he lives in a town with a poor economy. I know - my husband is in a similar position. I''m not embarassed about my husband''s job, but it''s certainly not something that HE likes to discuss. Let''s just say that he deserves a lot better given his knowledge and experience.

My hubby''s family is quite a bit more affluent than mine but it never seemed to matter. They loved me for who I am. Personally, I have two small tattoos but they are covered and nobody really ever sees them. My husband does not have any, nor does anybody else in his immediate family. My mom and dad each have one tattoo and I''d say they''re tasteful. I don''t really think it''s a class thing as much as it''s a fad. I too know many people under 35 that have tattoos and not too many over 35.

Jess

 

[allycat0303]

Well my family started off as immigrants, but quickly became upper class. They are very, very conservative, and have a very strict mentality of how things *should be done*.

My guy''s family is lower-middle class and neither of his parents or siblings finished high school. He did electrical engineering and has tattoos (he has a large tattoos on his arm which is slightly visible if he is wearing a short sleeved t-shirt. The other are hidden).

I personally love tattoos, I don''t know if it''s youth, bad boy symbolism, I have no idea, but I don''t think tattoos have anything to do with class, education, etc. Liking them, appreciating them, etc., I think it''s more of personal taste and age then anything else.

My parents were a little taken aback by the whole thing, made some comments, and I just firmly said, ''''it''s his body, and if you look around, many people have them'''' they never made another comment.

So I don''t think the whole tattoo thing symbolizes class.

As for jobs and education. Some people care about whether or not their significant other has a college education, and others don''t. I REALLY want to stress that I don''t see either way of thinking as being wrong. In almost EVERY single profession (except maybe being president) there will be someone who looks down on what you do. For example, if you are a doctor, well some MD-PhD think an MD is less then them because they aren''t reserchers. If you are a professional athlete earning 250 million a year, there are some that may say you don''t have a worthy calling in life. There is no one profession that I can think of that ISN''T looked down by another position. I don''t think anyone is crass enough to say anything to your face. Maybe behind your back. But ignorance is bliss, it only matters if you let it matter (or if this is something you secretly DO care about)

 

[Haven]

Laine,

I echo everyone''s statements that class, tattoos, and other people''s opinions should not matter as long as you love each other and you know that you want to be together. As for what other people think, well, why does it even matter? People will always have opinions about the way you choose to live your life, even though it is nobody''s business but your own.

As for the class issue and how that might play out in a marriage, I''ll share my parents'' story. My mother''s family is from Berlin, they were a very prominent upper crusty well-known family in Europe. Think of the Hearst family in the U.S. (publishing moguls) my mother''s family was very similar in terms of social position and notability; in fact, one of the most popular German magazines is STILL named my mother''s maiden name. SO, needless to say when my grandparents came to the U.S. they brought their money and their upper class values with them. Well, when my mother graduated early from her ivy league college to marry my father, a city (Chicago) kid with no degree and no bank account, my maternal grandparents were horrified. My father grew up in the middle to lower middle class, and the two families were just incredibly different.

I''m not going to lie and say there haven''t been tense moments and battles over how to properly raise the children (e.g. me) but almost 30 years later and my parents have survived the class clash. Yes, my maternal grandmother hauled me off to elocution classes weekly during my childhood (my posture thanks her,) and yes, my paternal grandparents taught me a few crass jokes along the way to even out the score.

The bottom line is that my parents love each other, and they made the decision to make their commitment to each other more important than their parents'' beliefs regarding the "type" of person they should marry.

And don''t worry--it only took my maternal grandmother 20 years to approve of my father.

Oh, and the product of such a marriage? I''m a discreetly tattooed, highly educated professional with a strong interest in all things etiquette, and I wouldn''t have it any other way.

 

[parkerj]

lucky star- there is supposed to be a treatment called "wrecking balm" or something close to that which will help fade the tat if you really don''t like it.....

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 7/26/2007 1:35:17 PM
Author: laine
Thanks for the input!


I'm not ashamed of his job or his tattoos. I don't hesitate to tell people what he does for a living.

HI:

Good for you. And assuming you did not meet him on a nude beach, you likely fell in love with the person that he is. People have all sorts of adornments as self expression: jewellery, tatoos, piercings, colorful hair.....does it follow those folks are different in essentials? That whole "not judging a book by it's cover" comes to mind......

Sharing core values is what it is all about. Your "visions" for life seem to be the same. You care about someone who cares about you. You want to support him and he you. Except for the fact that skin sags with age and tatoos can go "North", what is the worst thing that can happen having had a tatoo or three????

P.S. Deco: What the heck is a "weightism?"

cheers--Sharon

 

[cnspotts]

Date: 7/26/2007 12:14:59 PM
Author:laine

Other than the tattoos, he is a wonderful person (my brother actually called him a phenomenal human being), treats me better than I could ask, and will be a great father (you should see him with our cats). In my opinion, all of this trumps the tattoos and working class job. We both want a simple, country lifestyle, ...

Above is the MOST important part of your post and your situation. Do you see yourself married to man like him or what may be considered by others more socially acceptable?

Having been perviously married to very wealthy wife beater and mental abuser (that everyone loved) unfortunately. I''ll take my GED, incredibly smart Embry Riddle graduate, slightly off humor, former business owner and current police officer husband anyday over. I''m the one with the tatoos btw and they are always a source of conversation for hubby''s family (also well off and socially correct people) but they love me for me and not my lack of a college degree. I''m blue collar essentially being a massage therapist, but it also provides me/us security, retirement, and great vacations, plus....

So are the tattoos really that important in the big scheme?

 

[laine]

Thanks for the responses everyone! I really appreciate all the different points of view!

luckystar-you''re right, its the multiple, visible tattoos that are making this an issue

nicrez-you''ve pretty much said what my mom has, that there are lots of nice guys out there, and would I really want my daughter with a tattooed guy. I know there are other nice guys out there, but so far I haven''t met any that I could imagine spending my life with. As for the daughter thing, I don''t think I can know that until I''m there-though I know I would want her with someone who is as good to her and makes her as happy as my BF does for me.

I never pictured myself with someone with so many tattoos, or as Deco said, someone without a college degree, but like she said, what really matters is the smart and driven part. I guess you never really know how things will end up. Its nice to hear the success stories of marriages that crossed class lines (I agree that the class thing seems arbitrary and somewhat silly, but you can''t escape the fact that is a reality in this culture).

I''ll admit I do worry a bit about future children. Are the going to be ashamed of dad, embarrassed, teased? Want to be like him and go get tattooed at age 15? I hope that we would raise children who are open-minded, not judgmental, and not easily hurt by others comments (and have the sense to pick similar friends), but you can''t help but worry about your children (even non-existent ones). If it wasn''t this, I''m sure I''d find something else.

And canuk gal-weightism would be prejudice based on someone''s weight (sort of like racism is prejudice based on race)

 

[Independent Gal]

Honestly? I bet your future kids'' friends would be all "WOW Mr. Laine is SO COOL!!!!"

I don''t know if it''s just where I grew up (NOT the American suburbs), but I can''t imagine a kid getting teased because their dad is a mechanic or has tattoos.

Maybe other people had different experiences?

 

[Cehrabehra]

I grew up in the 80''s with a father stuck in the 60''s and 70''s. I was surrounded by preppy wanna be yuppies and here was my dad the long haired hippie with several degrees who made money playing poker and caddying golf. He had a trashed beater car in multiple colors and my friends'' parents drove mercedes. My mom lived in the style of my friends so my father was my deep dark secret. I even lied about him once and said he was a weird uncle. But no one cared. No one actually thought it was bad even if they thought he was different. If anything people were interested and thought it was cool. My mother''s family was high upper middle class for the area and my father''s family....... was not even close. Now, having quirky stories to tell about my folks has brought many laughs to my friends... but not in a way that we''re disrespecting them, just it is interesting what happens when different people mix. My mom, a hairdresser, died with long red fingernails... my father hasn''t worn deodorant since *maybe* 1965 LOL But he was there at the hospital when she died despite having divorced 25 years earlier... he''s a good guy. She was a good woman. And I think I''m a good person. What else matters, really?

As far as mechanics go - knowing one personally is ALWAYS useful! LOL

 

[Haven]

IndyGal--I was raised in an affluent suburb in Chicago''s North Shore and my family definitely stood out--we weren''t ostentatious, my parents didn''t get brand new flashy cars every two years, and they refused to buy me designer clothing that I would outgrow in several months. I did have some hard times during that awkward junior high phase when I wanted to keep up with my peers and I''ll never forget getting teased in the fifth grade for having "fake" Keds gym shoes.

But then I grew up a little and realized how proud I was of my family and their values. I''m not going to say it''s easy being the least well-off kid on the block, or having parents that march to their own eclectic beat when you''re 13, but I will say that raising your kids according to your own values and beliefs makes for an incredibly strong family and children, especially in the face of a judgmental community.

Laine, if you''re worried about your children being ashamed of their father, it sounds like you yourself may have some dormant prejudices against people who are heavily tattooed and do not have a college degree, which would make sense if you were raised by people who share these ideas. What you need to figure out is whether or not YOU will be ashamed or embarrassed of this man.

If you love this man, I''d try really hard to make all those doubtful voices disappear. After all, it''s hard to find someone who truly makes you happy, especially when you add external criteria like "no skin decoration" and "must have the right education."

Good luck sorting this out!

 

[Julianna]

Date: 7/26/2007 12:56:43 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
Well, *I* have a large tattoo, went to a top 5 school, and want to be a college professor....

I''m a little bemused by your wording ''other than the tattoos and the working class job,'' he''s a great guy. There is nothing WRONG with having tattoos and a (honestly, sounds very well paying!) working class job. Heck, plumbers make mad bank.

This is what I was gonna say. His tattoos sound fantastic!

And the fact that he''s a great guy is also fantastic.