Need to get some perspective

[jasper]

Ally,

I am saddened by the situation between you and your (ex?-) boyfriend. I have followed some of your trials that you have shared with us over the years. At different times in my life, I have experienced hints of the pain that each of you must be going through. Based on how I got through those times, I have a few questions for you:

Are you getting enough sleep? Do you walk every day? For half an hour in the morning sunshine?

Do you think your (ex?-) boyfriend would be a good father? With the tendencies he has today?

With sympathy,

Jasper
--------------
www.folds.net

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

I wanted to update because so many of you took the time to write to me.

First off I really wanted to say thank you to diamondfan, oshinbreez, Lindsey, AmberGretchen, for the kind words of support. I desprately needed something to hang on too on friday and you all were beyond kind.

And also to John P (from Whiteflash) who wrote me an emai of support. I wanted to let you know that low prices and beautiful diamonds are terrrific...customer service is always appreciated, but simple human kindness is beyond value. Thank you.

Pyramid, Avant: I'm going to say this because I'm very honest. I think that calling me a "control freak" and telling me to buy a "stuff animal" was uncalled for. Especially in light of the fact that neither of you have followed my story, and make very large assumptions from a few posts on the internet. Out of all the posts on this thread, it was only you two that I felt were purposely hurtful. Perhaps I should have been more honest in my posts, and revealed the reasons behind my actions (which I subsequently did) but I do stand by the fact that calling me "selfish, self centered, etc." was unnecessary.

Mara: You are always blunt, but never cruel. I always expect and appreciate your advice because you are older, married and have a lot of experience with men and such. And as I addressed above, there were only two posters, that litterally made me cry. You are always as impartially fair as possible.

Galateia: I disagree passionately with many people's views on religion and politics. I will argue my point, but I NEVER hold someone's point of view against them. Religon and politics depends so much on someone perspective, that I am very respectful of that. So to feel like you can't post on this thread, or should refrain from it, is never my intention. We might disagree on politics, but I'm sure there are a zillion things we can agree on.

I wanted to let you all know that I spent all of saturday talking with my boyfriend. It's the first time in years that we talked for that long. It was very honest, and very painful for me. I think the most important thing was that he apologized to me for breaking his word and the things he said to me subsequently.

As a couple, when we broke down the relationship, we realized that there was an unfair give and take. And although my posts would seem to indicate that the relationship is primarily centered on me, we both agreed that in all actuality, it was about 80% him, and 20% me. Because our lives as a couple surround his activites, and the time we do spend together, is also centered around what he likes. He watches (aside from playing 5 times a week) hockey every night. So we always watch hockey, we always go to see the movies he wants, and the places he wants. And everything is planned around his busy schedule.

But I was a complacent to this. In the very beginning of the relationship I would express my intrests, etc., but somewhere along the line, I just got tired of asserting myself. And I realize now, that I resented this alot. I never said anything. When he would ask "what do you want to do?" I would always say, "whatever you want is fine" And it makes me ashamed, that despite my view of myself as being independent, modern girl, I'm actually a bit of a doormat. And that's the hardest part to accept. I've come to keep my intrests seperate from his, to watch TV shows I like in the middle of the night while he's sleeping instead of just saying "I want to do this together"

And although he does want to work on this aspect, and I do think that it might be fixable. I personally feel that we don't have anything in common. He likes sports a lot and although I'm very athletic, I don't enjoy watching/playing discussing hockey, baseball, football, UFC, and etc. I like to read, history, dinosaurs, and festivals some politics, and generally what goes on in the world fascinates me. I think what is telling is that my dream date, would be to have a cup of coffee somewhere and talk for a couple of hours. In our tn years together, we've never done that. He's never been intrested, and frankly, I can't imagine him being entertained.

I also realized that what I thought of as being supportive (he ever complains about school, carreer choice, not spending time with me) might actually not be support, but actually a type of indifference toward me. He disagreed with this conclusion, but I think that he might realize later on, that he liked it that I was so busy because then I wouldn't infringe on his life.

And lastly, I told him that the drinking and past gambling issues, were too stressful to me. And he did point out a valid point that he didn't understand how I handled these problems for so many years, but now felt like I couldn't anymore. I think that before my Dad, Grandparents were younger and healthy. But in the last year, they've had many health problems, and with school, something he does now that I could handle before, has now become too stressful for me. I used to be strong enough to act as a watchdog, but I can't do it anymore. I think this is actually the key issue in all of this. I really want to be there for him, and I want to be strong for both of us. But I realize that when all the fat is cut away, I don't get enough from this relationship to continue in it. I needed him this past weeks with my father being so sick, and while I understand that it's important not to let your teammates down, in the 2 weeks that my father was sick and I was with him in intesive care, my boyfriend never came to visit me or my family. He did point out that I never asked him too, which is true, I didn't. But perhaps a part of me wanted him to realize that I needed him.

He really wanted another chance (Mara correctly alluded to the fact that he would want one). But I don't think I could handle another upset although I was very tempted to say yes, because it was the first time that he actually had a concrete plan, that he verbalized what he specfically wanted to change. I told him I would think about it, which I am, but every single part of me is screaming that I'm just going to get caught in this cycle again. I want to be fair to him and the relationship, but..to be honest, I really don't know. I haven't made a decison yet.

I'm sorry for the novel, and thanks to all of you that were kind enough to way in, pick me up off the floor, and keep me going through this. It's been the most difficult 2 weeks of my life.

 

[janinegirly]

hi Ally, well that put a lot of things more in perspective (for me at least). I applaud you for being so strong. It is not easy to stick to what is good for you in the LONG run. I hope you stay strong and end this relationship as amicably as possible. I think you will be so much happier! You really nailed it, you guys just aren''t compatible...weird to say after 10 yrs, but maybe you grew apart, or like you said, you no longer were someone who could just go along with all his interests all the time. I still think it''s ok for him to live/breathe hockey if that''s his passion, but he just might need to find someone who is as passionate about it.
And same for you, you need to maybe find someone deeper, more intellectual and compliments your tastes, views, hopes and dreams.
Keep us posted, you''re doing the right thing and are correct in resisting the urge to fall back into the same old cycle..

 

[decodelighted]

Ally,
Wow. I think you've done a lot of good work ... hard work ... figuring out what you see as your true needs & perhaps the roots of the problems in this particular relationship. I don't have much to add beyond the fact I'm thinking of you and wishing you well ... I did wanna say this:

Date: 10/2/2006 12:57:39 PM
Author: allycat0303
I told him that the drinking and past gambling issues, were too stressful to me. And he did point out a valid point that he didn't understand how I handled these problems for so many years, but now felt like I couldn't anymore. I think that before my Dad, Grandparents were younger and healthy. But in the last year, they've had many health problems, and with school, something he does now that I could handle before, has now become too stressful for me. I used to be strong enough to act as a watchdog, but I can't do it anymore. I think this is actually the key issue in all of this.

IMO ... I think you're STRONGER now than you ever have been. What you're viewing as *strength* in the past: being a watchdog ... I'd interpret as a flawed belief that you could protect him or stop the world from crashing down around him (perhaps buoyed by having the love of your family backing you up). Parental illness or vulnerability can *REALLY* be a wake up call about your place in the world ... and your need for other sources of support. Reliable ones. Ones that put you first. Ones that are 100%/100% rather than 80%/20%.


ETA: I know some people do it ... but it's hard for me to imagine finding the person I'd want to marry at 16 years old! Don't beat yourself up about choosing him ... you both have changed so much over the years .. you couldn't have known how any of it was going to end up. I'd bet your instincts & "checklist" will be very different now if you do choose to date other people.

 

[Mara]

Ally I am super proud of you for sticking to your guns as opposed to just saying sure lets try again, which would have been the easy way out. I do think you are doing the right thing. If nothing else, separation shows things to you more clearly than when you are in the 'thick of it all'. You will find out very quickly, as will he, if there is a glue there to bond you two or if you have just been velcro'ing the relationship out of a comfort level more than a real desire to be together.

I think that it's important as well that you noticed that your lives are separate right now. I keep thinking that you two have been together so long that maybe you guys started out one way, aka teenagers in first blush of love, but like anything else growing...you both changed. And now you are two different people, who seem mostly together out of a comfort, and love but not the kind that bodes well for 'forever'. And you may not be best served by being with each other...rather than with new people who can truly appreciate the people you have grown into and really have the same interests or at least interest in learning your interests. Don't shortchange yourself or him from a full life with someone who you REALLY click with.

As for what you said earlier about 'he could have any girl he wants'...my first thought was...well let someone else deal with all his drama then!! sure what looks really attractive and appealing on the outside might lose it's luster when the new girl has to deal with drinking, gambling and the everyday drama of regular life. And you will not end up alone just because you are shy and introverted. People will find each other, I totally believe that. So I'm happy you are not letting that 'he could have anyone and i am lucky to have him' kind of mentality cloud your thinking at all. You ARE worthy and you deserve someone who loves you and your interest.

Anyway, best of luck, I also agree you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for right now. It's always amazing to me how strong people CAN be when they are pressed to. And I recommend again getting into therapy and putting it all out there for an expert so that you, yourself, can begin to heal and truly become that person you want to be.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ally,
I agree with deco, you are a very strong gal and wanted to wish you well as you go through all of this. You''ll come to the right decision as to what will work for you. The stress of school and ill family members is a lot. You need someone who will be there for you and be a help to you. Anyway, all the best, HUGS Lisa

 

[allycat0303]

You gals are wonderful. Even if some of the stuff said hurt alot, there wasn't one thing I didn't say to myself "is this true?" and I put the question to him to "do you think this is true?" Some was, some wasn't, but Deco when you said "he isn't in this relationship" it was a light bulb moment. The big turning point. And Mara it's so funny that you pick up on all the nuances. I have a self-confidence problem. I don't lack self confidence about my intelligence...yet...yet. At the very beginning of our relationship he was the athlete, the good looking popular one. I was just...kind of nerdy unnoticeable one. And throughout the relationship there are a lot of times when we'd go shopping or something...and just once I heard a salesgirl whisper "why is he with her?" Maybe it was because I was dressed like a bum, maybe because I'm asian, whatever. In any case, I've always wondered, "why is he with me when he can do better?" Something I've said to my sister on times. And maybe that contributed to me being such a doormat because I would think "I'm so lucky that he wants me" that I've got to be aggreeable to what he wants. And again, this has nothing to do with him, or how he treated me. That issue is created and maintained exclusively by me. And that was hard to admit too. I'm going to try as hard as possible to be strong. And although, as it stands, I asked him to let me have 6 months to think about everything. But....I know that within a few days, he's going to start working REALLY hard to convince me back into this. And I'm going to start to miss him, so I think that's going to be the hardest part.

janinegirly, Kaleigh: thanks for the kind words

. There are people on this board that are really, really great.

 

[FireGoddess]

Ally, sorry I didn''t see this sooner...I was on a short but much needed vacay.

You are a tough girl, you are a smart girl. I can''t say much more than what has already been said but I want you to know I''m thinking about you and pulling for you!!!

This is the point in life where you really need to look out for yourself. If you''re looking out for his needs, and HE''s looking out for his needs, who''s looking out for yours? The answer should NEVER be ''no-one.'' It sucks and it will be hard, and you may miss him at first. You probably will. But once that passes you will be better off, I promise you. *bigbighugs*

 

[onedrop]

Ally:

I haven''t commented before this because well...giving advice isn''t really my forte. There are others here that are much wiser than me and who are better able to give sage advice and direction. But I just wanted to wish you well in whatever you decide and to tell you to be strong! {{{{Ally}}}}.

 

[dmbfan]

Ally,

I tried to read much of what you posted and I also understand you can''t begin to explain every single detail of everything that has happend in the last 10 years in a few post. I don''t want to be harsh to you, but I do want to defend some of the things that were said to you that hurt you.

Avant was right on with some of her statements. Do not take them personal, but I can tell you from a guys point of view she is correct in quite a few of those.

We were 21-20 when we got married, and it lasted 8 yrs. So many of your same issues that you are mentioning, I went through. The same sleeping issues you had, were brought up to me (I laughed). Just substitute Hockey for soccer and we are in very similar shoes.

So I can be honestly truthfull and harsh at the same time, if you willing to hear the other side. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have and I will give you a guys point of view if it helps any. I will try to read everything you have said again to make sure I understand your side.

 

[sistagrl2004]

I logged in JUST to recommend you visit the site www.theregoesthebride.com. I think you will get some wonderful advice from the ladies in the "forum"

 

[goldenstar]

Hi Ally,

I''m somewhat new here and I don''t usually give advice, but I wanted to contribute since you''re going through such a tough time.

I was wondering if you have any close friends or family members that you could confide in and who will help get you though this time. Your friends and family know your whole history whereas we here on the boards only can see the very tip of the iceberg. I think thats why some people''s comments are hurtful and way off, its because they don''t know the whole story.

I think that having someone to talk to in person would really help. You would get better advice from someone who has known both of you for a long time.

Take care

 

[marvel]

Date: 10/2/2006 1:41:37 PM
Author: allycat0303
You gals are wonderful. Even if some of the stuff said hurt alot, there wasn''t one thing I didn''t say to myself ''is this true?'' and I put the question to him to ''do you think this is true?'' Some was, some wasn''t, but Deco when you said ''he isn''t in this relationship'' it was a light bulb moment. The big turning point. And Mara it''s so funny that you pick up on all the nuances. I have a self-confidence problem. I don''t lack self confidence about my intelligence...yet...yet. At the very beginning of our relationship he was the athlete, the good looking popular one. I was just...kind of nerdy unnoticeable one. And throughout the relationship there are a lot of times when we''d go shopping or something...and just once I heard a salesgirl whisper ''why is he with her?'' Maybe it was because I was dressed like a bum, maybe because I''m asian, whatever. In any case, I''ve always wondered, ''why is he with me when he can do better?'' Something I''ve said to my sister on times. And maybe that contributed to me being such a doormat because I would think ''I''m so lucky that he wants me'' that I''ve got to be aggreeable to what he wants. And again, this has nothing to do with him, or how he treated me. That issue is created and maintained exclusively by me. And that was hard to admit too. I''m going to try as hard as possible to be strong. And although, as it stands, I asked him to let me have 6 months to think about everything. But....I know that within a few days, he''s going to start working REALLY hard to convince me back into this. And I''m going to start to miss him, so I think that''s going to be the hardest part.

janinegirly, Kaleigh: thanks for the kind words

. There are people on this board that are really, really great.

Hi Alley, I''m not very good with advice, but I can tell you this much...without even knowing you in ''real life'' I can tell immediately why he is with you...you are kind, intelligent and genuine...and being asian only makes you hot, exoctic and more appealing. Girls that make comments like that are catty and jealous!!! That''s my two cents...Hugs to you!!!

 

[allycat0303]

dmbfan: while I do appreciate your offer, you stated that you read most of my posts. However, you are once again alluding to something which I clarified before in a very long post.

Advant wrote the following:

You are completely out of line on this one. It's so far unfair and unreasonable I don't know where to begin. It's plainly obvious to see that you set unrealistic "ground rules" to start with (I'd love to know what those are).


You can't go to sleep without him? Buy a stuffed animal. I don't know what else to say. What do you expect to do if he is on a business trip? Or, if he gone for a long weekend with the guys? Will you simply stay awake until his return? Well, the point of that rhetorical question was to point out that this is an issue that you can resolve, and you will both be better off when it is solved.

What I clarified in a previous point, is that this unability to sleep has nothing to do wtih fear, etc. Control freak, not letting him socialize with his friends. So I'm going to repeat again. Or refer back to the previous post I wrote.

My boyfriend drinks irresponsibly. He is not an alcholic, but in certin environments, he behaves irresponsibly.He has on more then one occasion driven over to see me after a late night hockey game and passed out on my couch. Totally, unconscious. When he was 21, he drove home drunk after a hockey game and crashed into a pole. The issues I had with him are not that he plays hockey 5 times a week, but that after the game (especially late night games) he and his friends get totally wasted. And preceede to drive home. Which is why I had told him a few years ago that while I didn't care how many times a week he played hockey, that late-night hockey games were out of the question. For his safety and that of others. However, when he asked me this year, if it would be ok if he played again, I felt that perhaps he was becoming responisble enough to play hockey late at night (AGAIN, refer to previous post on how often he plays hockey a week). The first week he came home and I was ASLEEP. However, when he woke me up, I realized that he had been DRINKING. I don't drink. I could not tell if he was drunk. But he told me that he had 5 beers. And drove home. To me that sounds like a lot, in retrospect to previous history, I asked him to please come home after having 1 beer. Again the following week, he came home at around 1:00 and had drank 4-5 beers. He then promised me he would be home at 11;30. Last week, I waited for him, worried sick that he had been killed in a car accident. I called him 4 times and he didn't pick up his cell phone. I fail to believe that I am being "unreasonable" or that Advant's advice that I "buy a stuffed animal" has any merit in this situation. If I could buy a stuffed animal and sleep in this situation. I have no heart, and no human decency. Toward my boyfriend, or all of the other motorists on the streets.

Firegoddess: Hi sweetie. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm going to keep those words in mind in the weeks to come.

Onedrop, sistagrl2004, goldenstar, marvel : Thanks ladies. You all rule

 

[pyramid]

Allygirl

I want to make an apology for asking if you were a control freak. After the information you posted about him drink driving home I see now why you had to know when he would be home. I once knew a girl who reported her boyfriend to the police for drinkdriving, ofcourse that was the end of the relationship, but she did the correct thing. If he had hit and killed someone she would have been left with the thought she knew he had been drinking the rest of her life, and the person he hit may have been killed.

I did not mean to hurt you and wish to send heartfelt apologies to you.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 10/2/2006 3:27:41 PM
Author: allycat0303


My boyfriend drinks irresponsibly. He is not an alcholic, but in certin environments, he behaves irresponsibly.

Um??? You might want to rethink that conclusion.

I''m sorry for any hurtful things I said including suggesting you might be bipolar.

I honestly think even more than before that this is a toxic relationship for you. I''m very glad for you that you are out of it. It takes a great deal of strength to get out and even more to stay out. You have my respect and admiration.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ally,

I have little to add, although I have followed your story as a lurker for some time. I just wanted to offer you support as I can only imagine what you are going through, with both your boyfriend and your family, is tremendously painful. My best wishes that all of you find some peace in this chaos and head towards happy lives, whether it be together or apart.

My best to you.

P.S. It was big of you to apologize Pyramid.

 

[allycat0303]

Pyramid: I appreciate and accept your apology very much. I know that I am partly to blame for writing only part of the story because I was embarassed that my boyfriend has acted so irresponsibly in the past. So I can see how people would think "she wants him to be tied ball and chain to her" Part of my inability to get help of even truthful advice from those around me is that I kept the drinking (and the past gambling) has been an issue between as that NO ONE knows about. Although he hasn't sworn me to secrecy of anything, I don't want my family and friends to think badly of him. But then, barely any one can say anything of value because I don't share with them the whole story. I want you to know that I did take all of your insights into our discussion, if I was a control-freak, selfish, etc., and it generated a lot of discussion between us. So thank you again. Hugs!

KimberlyH: Thanks!

 

[anchor31]

Hey Ally,

I''m very proud of you for taking the time and effort to hash this out with him. It takes a lot of courage to talk like this and find out what are the real issues... Just walking away is much easier. I also want to congratulate you for focusing on what you need and what you are not getting from this relationship, but definitely deserve.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself, sweetie. *hugs*

 

[TravelingGal]

Hey Ally...

I''ve been reading this thread for awhile, although didn''t have much to add to most of the good advice you have been receiving. I''ve posted on PS awhile now, and lurked around for much longer. I used to read your posts long ago and initially thought you were a bit of a "control freak" since I wondered why you had such an issue with boys going out and hanging out with their friends. As I read more about you over the last few years, I know that it is not as simple as that, and know you are a multi-faceted person with issues like everyone else...and wonderful qualities as well.

One thing I did think (and still do) when I read your posts is that you were unhappy in your relationship. I am proud of you for making the strides that you have made. Don''t underestimate yourself Ally...I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Good luck, and please continue to keep us posted. We are pulling for your happiness...whichever road that may be.

 

[Cailet]

Ally -
just popping in with big HUGS !!!

I still think counselling would be a good idea -- just so you can continue to sort things out -- and so when the missing your (ex)bf starts to overshadow all the things you''ve laid out here there is someone standing by your side telling you to be strong!

I just think there is someone out there who is going to make you SOOO happy -- don''t waste anymore time being miserable with someone who doesn''t.

 

[AceP]

Hi Ally,

Good for you for having an honest, no-holds-barred look at yourself and your relationship. that''s more than many people ever do. the next weeks and months are going to be hard. harder, probably, than the last few have been. i say that not to discourage you, but so you''re able to fortify yourself in whatever way works best for you. In the beginning, you''ll think of him constantly. everything you do will remind you of him. slowly, over the course of weeks or months, the intensity will diminish. you''ll have flashes of sadness, moments of regret. but at some point down the road, you will meet someone. someone who appreciates your modesty, your studiousness, your zeal for politics and energetic conversation. and you''ll realize what real compatibility is. and then, you''ll look back on these 10 years as an irreplaceable growing experience, as the foundation for who you are today. and hopefully, you''ll be able to live with no regrets.

best of luck to you - be strong.

 

[Rhapsody]

Hey sweetie, I''m glad to see you''re making some progress in wading through your felings and emotions to try and figure out whats best for you. I know how stupidly hard it can be, especially when our heart and head have completely conflicting ideas.

I know what it feels like to have people assume you are a control freak because you say no to having your BF go out. I had the same problem, mostly because my BF would break plans we had and tell someone else he''d go out with them, and when I told him we had plans and couldnt change them he''d have to call the other person back and say he couldn''t go anymore and all anyone knew was "Ali said I cant go". Bah. And I didnt say anything because I didn''t want my BF to look like a jerk. So all of his friends hated me because they thought I was being an unreasonable wench. Eventually you just have to stop covering for them and stand up for yourself. I''m sorry about all the stress and worry you must have felt about your BFs drinking. Just remember that he makes his own choices and ultimately he will do what he wants regardless of anything you do or say to try and change things. A relationship should not be about policing someone elses behaviour.

And it might seem harsh to your BF but I think the easiest thing do to would be to not see him at all for a while so you can work out your thoughts. When my BF and I broke up we would fall back into old patterns when we saw each other, it wasn''t until we went about 3-4 weeks without seeing each other or talking that we were both able to really work through what we were thinking and figure out what we wanted. Its just so hard not to take the path of least resistance and fall back into things the way there were when you are still together a lot.

I wish you the best of luck with this and I offer whatever support I can give.

 

[fire&ice]

Ally - all I have to say is simple. Hubby and I are in a similar situation regarding his mother. It would NEVER cross my mind to NOT BE THERE with him at the hospital. It''s inconcivable & unconciousable - not because of the great love I have for his mother. It is because of the great love I have for him. He NEEDS me. He never had to ask. That is what a partnership/love/marriage is all about. His indifference to your needs, especially in this regard, is inexcusable. He has a commitment to this teammates? What about his commitment to his LIFE mate?

My answer to "why his he with her?" Because SHE DESERVES much more. Honestly, you will be better off without him.

 

[flopkins]

Ally -

I have been following this thread (as I have previous ones) and not posted because I didn''t feel I had anything to add to what''s already been said, but the recent posts about your exBF''s drinking/gambling and your final conclusions/thoughts/realizations on your relationship hit a chord with me.

My first BF had a gambling problem, and was very irresponsible with money. I ''developed'' the exact same ''control freak'' tendencies with him. If I couldn''t get ahold of him at certain late hours, I just *knew* that he was out gambling, would stress myself out over it, etc etc etc... and finally when he got into a car accident w/o car insurance, that was the straw the broke the camel''s back. he claimed afterwards that he ''forgot'' to pay the bill - thank God he was not injured, but the car fix was expensive, and guess what, he had a hard time finding enough money to pay for the car bc he had gambled most of it away.... even though he had a good job that *should* have allowed for plenty of savings.

After that I knew that this problem was not mine,it was his, and no amount of my trying to ''take care'' of him was going to fix it. I broke up with him a few months after. It was one of the hardest things to do, but the moment I did it, there was a complete feeling of release - I didn''t have to worry about him anymore. And I knew then it was the right decision. Your ex asked why you put up w/it for 10yrs and now can''t handle it? Maybe because you realize that you don''t want to do this for the rest of your life.

Looking back, I know that breaking up w/my ex was so hard bc of all the same reasons you mentioned - not wanting to be alone, not finding anyone else... etc... and also because he was my first BF, that made a huge difference for me. Everyone told me at the time, that the first breakup is always hard.

Now, I am married to my wonderful DH, and let me tell you, I do NOT worry at all about his safety, even if I don''t know exactly where he is, or if he hasn''t called me and it''s 11:30PM... and he travels every week for his job. I have a hard time sleeping once in a while because I miss him, but not because I am worried about his safety. I trust him completely. I *KNOW* he will call me before he goes to sleep, or vice versa, barring any freak accidents. It is a completely different feeling.

I wish you all the best, I hope you can find a new place to live soon, start out fresh, and that everything goes well with your father and family.

 

[Maria D]

Ally, I haven''t been following your story at all; just this thread. My thoughts are, geez, how are you accomplishing everything you do with all this going on! For goodness sakes, girl, imagine how high you''d soar if you didn''t have all this crap to worry about -- there''s probably a Nobel Peace Prize in your future.

I don''t mean to trivialize the love you feel for your guy. I think when you fall in love as young as you did and it goes on for ten years, it''s like you are related to this person. I can imagine how through thick and thin ( a lot of thin here) you felt that you could not turn your back on your boyfriend because you felt responsible for him; much like a person feels responsible for a parent, sibling or child.

What you wrote here made me feel sad:

>>I know that I am partly to blame for writing only part of the story because I was embarassed that my boyfriend has acted so irresponsibly in the past. So I can see how people would think "she wants him to be tied ball and chain to her" Part of my inability to get help of even truthful advice from those around me is that I kept the drinking (and the past gambling) has been an issue between as that NO ONE knows about. Although he hasn''t sworn me to secrecy of anything, I don''t want my family and friends to think badly of him. But then, barely any one can say anything of value because I don''t share with them the whole story.<<

You are blaming yourself; you are embarrassed -- this is so dark and sad. You have nothing to be embarrassed about but yet you are burdened by this horrible "secret." How exhausting and spiritually draining to have to pretend everything''s fine when you know it isn''t. It doesn''t matter whether your boyfriend is a true alcoholic or an irresponsible, at times immature drinker -- he is a problem drinker because his drinking is causing very real and painful problems! Have you considered attending an Al-Anon meeting? I know you probably don''t think you have the time but maybe this break you''re taking will give you some extra time.

I wish you all the best.

 

[sk8rjen]

I''m sorry I haven''t replied sooner, Ally. Truth is, your recent posts took me back to a place and time when I wasn''t very happy in a relationship, which eventually ended, which broke my heart (at the time).... thing is, there''s life out there waiting for you, and you should be happy. Not just some of the time. You''ve gotten lots of good, honest advice here, and I just hope for you that you do what will make you happiest in the long run. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you ((hugs))

jen

 

[jasper]

Ally,

I applaud you for having the guts to face these difficult issues, before deciding whether or not to get married.

If you get a chance, I think you will find Robert Ravich''s and Barbara Wyden''s book on Predictable Pairing to be very insightful. Unfortunately, this book is out-of-print now, but it used to be available in many medical school libraries, and can be purchased used on-line.

-- Jasper

P.S. Have you given the ring back?
Giving the ring back does not have to be permanent...
But it does make it clear that you are not ready to marry this
fellow until/unless the two of you work through some major issues.

And if you do decide to move on, I hope that you will take some time
to be by yourself, and with friends, family, and your fellow students.

 

[oshinbreez]

Hey Ally.

I took a few days off....David was home.

so we got to have some much needed us time.

I''m proud of you.

I was just wondering how you''re doing.

 

[ladykemma]

ally - untreated co-dependency, of trying to control an alcoholic/sex addict, nearly kicked my butt and my sanity, with all the stress, the worrying, and the "groundrules (attempts to control), the punishing, and the makeup/break up cycles. . I very nearly had a heart attack and a had nervous breakdown.

have you considered Al-Anon? It's in every medical center and university town.