Need to get some perspective

[CrownJewel]

Hi Allycat,
I''ve read so many of your posts and I always thought, "Oh she''s so cool. I wish we knew each other." But you''re in Canada and I''m in New York. Nevertheless, I''m thinking of you and hoping that you''re pulling through. I hope your family is well and that your mind gets a little clearer each day.

I applaud you for dealing with this strife while in medical school. My older brother is a doctor, my younger sister is in her 4th year of undergraduate college, but she took the MCAT (medical school admission test in the USA). I want so badly to be a doctor, but fear and lack of confidence in my intellectual abilites hinder me from even applying. My younger sister may end up a doctor before me! Being in pre-medical school or medical school itself wreaks havoc on your emotions. I remember your posts about your ring (sorry to bring it up!) and I admired how focused you were on your exams. That concentration will be rewarding in the future. I had to tell myself to focus on school every day while I was taking my premed science classes.

I''m new to PS and have to learn to stop talking about myself in other people threads. Sorry! We are about the same age and I think you are so wise to deal with this situation head-on. I don''t like to tell people to stay together or to break up. I always think it''s a good idea to take a break and see what lies ahead. Your separation may not be permanent. You may realize some wonderful things about him and/or about yourself in this time apart. It seems like you already are realizing a lot about yourself that you never knew before, just by talking to fellow PS''ers.

Please let us know how you are doing!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Ally~
I''m so sorry I haven''t caught up on your thread yet, but I just noticed that you decided to end your relationship. I am so sorry for your pain, and I wish you strength and courage on your journey. You have so much going on (medical school) and you''re a strong woman who can keep her focus. I hope you find true happiness...since I''ve been a member here you''ve seemed unhappy in your relationship and it''s dynamic...so this may be what you need. Good luck in your studies and I''ll be thinking about you! Stay strong!
~M

 

[anchor31]

Hey ally,

I tried to call you tonight to see how you were doing, but you weren''t home. You can call me if you want, and we don''t have to talk about this if you don''t want to. Take care.

 

[diamondfan]

Al, I know this has been a really rough time. And I am sorry for you pain. I just really felt that though you had a long time being with him, if it is meant to be, separating to clear you head and his is not the worst thing ever. It can really show you what is important. And I really feel too that the time you have spent together, if you do break up, is not in vain...but it should be what binds you to continue to move forward if it is not right for either of you or both of you. Be strong, I am sure you will not end up alone! You are bright and articulate, and take a step back...if you two are meant to be together, it might just work out after this time of being apart. If not, maybe he is not the guy for you, or you the gal for him, and you can see it more clearly if you are not in the thick of it all! Hugs and good luck...each day will bring more clarity for you, at least I hope so!

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

I''m sorry I didn''t write before, I had a pretty depressing week and I was trying to wrap my mind around everything. And yesturday I should have been studying and I was just on PS forever, dulling my mind to everything else.

So yes, we did break up. Although I think I might have gotten sucked into something bad because he made me promise that I wouldn''t date anyone for 6 months, at which time I would at least reevaluate. I don''t know. He was really hurting, I was really hurting, so I agreed to this although in retrospect I feel like now I''m not totally free. Not that I want to date anyone, but the promise makes me feel like there''s still something.

I gave him the ring back. Which was no big deal because I don''t care about it, and neither does he. And apart from that I''ve been avoiding the phone, and home like the plague. He''s been calling a lot and dropping by. He sent me gorgeous flowers and some presents that are just perfectly designed to make me sad. Letters etc., after 10 years, he knows how to get to me. I kind of feel like I am under seige and hiding out (sorry Anchor sweetie if I didn''t get your phone call. M is really clever, it''s not always his phone number, etc., and if I get on the phone he''s going to tear me up inside. So I don''t take any phone calls from anybody. And to be honest, I''m stayiing away from people because I''m such a downer.) I really want to keep my cell phone number because I love it (I really have the best phone number in the world). But I''ll see how it is in a few months...

Asid from that, the cardio exam was really hard. And yesturday we got news that the 60% of the class failed. Although I don''t know yet if I''m one of the people yet, it scared me a lot yesturday and I got depressed. I am praying that they are going to adjust those marks because the test was MASSIVELY unfair. Although the university and our class are in a MASSIVE money dispute, and the university has been putting pressure tactics on our class, so I can see them failing us all as punishment. They actually took away our teachers. So for the last 30% of the class, we had no teachers. Self -taught doctor...... In any case, I should know by friday.

My dad isn''t home yet, but the doctors said sometime this week. Although they never found the source of the bleeding, he stopped, and now they are just waiting for his blood count to rise a bit, and for him to regain his strength. He''s in regular hospital room now. I really want him to come home.

But aside from that I''m good. I''m not crying or anything. Honestly, I feel like I should be crying more, but I''m not. And I''m typically emotional and cry a lot. I just feel like when I think about the relationship I feel exhausted. Lost weight (never a bad thing), but that''s because waiting for the cardio mark is stressing me.

So Anchor31, Travelinggal, Cailet, AceP, Rhapsody, fire&ice, flopkins, maria D, Sk8rjen, Jasper, oshinbreez, ladykemma, IrishAngel, Diamondfan, CrownJewels: Thanks for writing, for analyzing and thinking of me. It''s virtual support, but sometimes when you don''t want to talk about what is happening, a kind message coming from someplace far away makes you smile. You all make this community a wonderful place.

Ladykemma: I''m glad to know that the things I did weren''t so far-fetched. At some point though, I think decompressed. Although I do feel guilty because I couldn''t handle it anymore.

Oshinbreez: It''s sweet to know that you''re so excited because your David is home. Enjoy your time together.

CrownJewels: We take the MCAT in Canada too. I think of that test as SATAN. And this summer I''m going to take my USMLE this summer. By the end, I''ll probably calling it Satan''s younger brother. I find the standardized American tests very difficult. In any case, just wanted to let you know that my younger brother and sister were admitted to medical school before me (although they were happy, none of them wanted it as badly as me) Self-doubt kept me from applying 2 years before I should have. Wasted time. But maybe it wasn''t the right time. In any case, "if you don''t apply the answer is ALWAYS no!"

. I''m sure you''ve heard that before, but it''s true. I was always afraid they would laugh at me because of my lousy grades. But my grades were only lousy in my mind, and it took two shots, but my dream came true.

 

[appletini]

Ally,

He should not have made you promise not to date anyone for 6 months. Thats his way of keeping control over you. You are broken up, if you want to go on a date thats your choice and if you don''t want to go on a date thats your choice too.

Stay strong...my exbf used to do the same thing with the letters and the flowers.

I''m glad your dad is recovering. Also I''m sure you did great on the test...you always do.

 

[sumbride]

Ally -

I haven''t spoken up yet because everything I wanted to say has been said by others, but I''m glad you''ve broken up with him. The relationship was so draining lately... I can''t see how that''s good for you with everything else going on. But Appletini has a point... he can''t dictate whether you date anybody or not now. You''re not together anymore. It''s YOUR life and if you want to date or not date, that''s up to YOU and you alone. If after 6 months, or whatever timeframe, you choose to re-evaluate your decision, that''s up to you... you can''t put conditions on a breakup. You will miss him... you''ve been together a long time... but I don''t think 6 months is enough time for you to know what you want and I don''t think his controlling manipulations are going to help you get there. Change your phone number if you have to, but don''t let him keep you from living your life. He almost sounds like he''s stalking you a bit by keeping you from answering your phone, sending you presents that make you uncomfortable, etc... That''s not what true love is about. He needs to back off and let you have your life, and if he doesn''t, he''s not somebody you need to devote your life to. But you know that already, right?

hang in there girl! You have a much brighter future ahead of you now. There will be dark moments and dark days but it doesn''t have to be as hard as it''s been. TRUST ME and everyone else here that has said the same thing!

hugs,
Sum

 

[galeteia]

I agree that it was string-tying of him to impose a 6-month timeline on you, but I''m wondering if those 6 months of freedom after being in a ten year relationship might be just the thing you need?

After my breakup with the sweet/hurtful ex that yours reminds me so poignantly of, I needed a long time to heal and didn''t take it, which made it take longer. I only gave myself 3 months, and it just wasn''t enough. (He was also trying to contact me all the time, even though he was the one who wanted a ''break'' Good on you for avoiding all contact-- without that radio silence I can''t get over it/him)

I say take power over those 6 months and while it will be keeping your word, give yourself those months for yourself.

And when you are ready, schedule a date a week or two in advance-- for the day of your singlehood''s ''anniversary''.

I''ve been thinking a lot of you Ally, and strangely, after your thread stirred up all those bad memories about my ex, I ended up stumbling across him while out with a girlfriend. Apparently he''s not in Taiwan anymore. (It was like confronting a ghost from my past, and now I''m finally free of the sting I''ve still felt even after three years. It was like a catharsis. So thank you-- it seemed to catalyze things for me.) My sympathy goes out to you; I can only imagine what you are dealing with after 10 years of that highs/lows combination.

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry to hear that he''s trying to control you like this... It''s definitely not a good sign. Yes, you''ve been together for a very long time, but you''re a grown-up woman, and if he really loves you, he should let you go. You have the right to having your own life.

I''m free for lunch on Friday before going to my best friend''s mom''s funeral... If you''d like to we could go somewhere for a bite. Meanwhile, big hugs to you.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 10/11/2006 7:26:26 AM
Author: allycat0303
Hey everyone,


I''m sorry I didn''t write before, I had a pretty depressing week and I was trying to wrap my mind around everything. And yesturday I should have been studying and I was just on PS forever, dulling my mind to everything else.

Glad to see you back Ally.

So yes, we did break up. Although I think I might have gotten sucked into something bad because he made me promise that I wouldn''t date anyone for 6 months, at which time I would at least reevaluate. I don''t know. He was really hurting, I was really hurting, so I agreed to this although in retrospect I feel like now I''m not totally free. Not that I want to date anyone, but the promise makes me feel like there''s still something.

You didn''t need to make that promise to him, but I can understand why. You do need to take time for yourself without dating, BUT you are free to "hang out" with others....lol. I don''t consider going out with someone interesting a few times as "dating".

I gave him the ring back. Which was no big deal because I don''t care about it, and neither does he. And apart from that I''ve been avoiding the phone, and home like the plague. He''s been calling a lot and dropping by. He sent me gorgeous flowers and some presents that are just perfectly designed to make me sad. Letters etc., after 10 years, he knows how to get to me. I kind of feel like I am under seige and hiding out (sorry Anchor sweetie if I didn''t get your phone call. M is really clever, it''s not always his phone number, etc., and if I get on the phone he''s going to tear me up inside. So I don''t take any phone calls from anybody. And to be honest, I''m stayiing away from people because I''m such a downer.) I really want to keep my cell phone number because I love it (I really have the best phone number in the world). But I''ll see how it is in a few months...

Ally, I''m gonna tell you that NOW is the time you NEED to be with others. As far as him sending you letters, tear them up without reading them, Flowers, give to a friend, neighbor, or take to a nursing home or hospital, Presents , return unopened. As long as you keep accepting things and reading his letters, HE WILL CONTROL YOU. Your ex fiancee sounds alot like my ex husband. You should change your number and just give it to a few people. I sure hope that your ex gives up before mine did. I lived in fear for 14 years AFTER I divorced him because of his stalking.

Asid from that, the cardio exam was really hard. And yesturday we got news that the 60% of the class failed. Although I don''t know yet if I''m one of the people yet, it scared me a lot yesturday and I got depressed. I am praying that they are going to adjust those marks because the test was MASSIVELY unfair. Although the university and our class are in a MASSIVE money dispute, and the university has been putting pressure tactics on our class, so I can see them failing us all as punishment. They actually took away our teachers. So for the last 30% of the class, we had no teachers. Self -taught doctor...... In any case, I should know by friday.

Sorry to hear the exam was so rough. If you failed, atleast you know it wasn''t just you, you''d be in the majority. Nothing can be done about it now, so no need to worry. You''ll get it next time, if you didn''t this time. Good luck.

My dad isn''t home yet, but the doctors said sometime this week. Although they never found the source of the bleeding, he stopped, and now they are just waiting for his blood count to rise a bit, and for him to regain his strength. He''s in regular hospital room now. I really want him to come home.

I''ll keep him in my prayers.

But aside from that I''m good. I''m not crying or anything. Honestly, I feel like I should be crying more, but I''m not. And I''m typically emotional and cry a lot. I just feel like when I think about the relationship I feel exhausted. Lost weight (never a bad thing), but that''s because waiting for the cardio mark is stressing me.

You''ll do great. I''m proud of you.

So Anchor31, Travelinggal, Cailet, AceP, Rhapsody, fire&ice, flopkins, maria D, Sk8rjen, Jasper, oshinbreez, ladykemma, IrishAngel, Diamondfan, CrownJewels: Thanks for writing, for analyzing and thinking of me. It''s virtual support, but sometimes when you don''t want to talk about what is happening, a kind message coming from someplace far away makes you smile. You all make this community a wonderful place.


Ladykemma: I''m glad to know that the things I did weren''t so far-fetched. At some point though, I think decompressed. Although I do feel guilty because I couldn''t handle it anymore.


Oshinbreez: It''s sweet to know that you''re so excited because your David is home. Enjoy your time together.

It was nice to have him home for 2 days. It''s usually only 1 day a week. And that''s usually spent running.

CrownJewels: We take the MCAT in Canada too. I think of that test as SATAN. And this summer I''m going to take my USMLE this summer. By the end, I''ll probably calling it Satan''s younger brother. I find the standardized American tests very difficult. In any case, just wanted to let you know that my younger brother and sister were admitted to medical school before me (although they were happy, none of them wanted it as badly as me) Self-doubt kept me from applying 2 years before I should have. Wasted time. But maybe it wasn''t the right time. In any case, ''if you don''t apply the answer is ALWAYS no!''

. I''m sure you''ve heard that before, but it''s true. I was always afraid they would laugh at me because of my lousy grades. But my grades were only lousy in my mind, and it took two shots, but my dream came true.

 

[sanfranciscoellen]

Allycat, I just read your entire thread, and all I could think was that even before the break up, you have been in grief. Grief over the death of a relationship that you *wanted*, even when you still had him.

So now you are moving into a new phase of grief, and that it the way it should be.

I''m going through a similar "break up" with my mother, and there are some similarities. She has a very powerful ability to get me with phone calls and emails, so I just stop reading/listening. Or I have my husband pre-screen.

A therapist told me the best advice I can give to you: You will feel guilt over this decision. But DO NOT do anything that will alleviate your feelings of guilt, whether that be talking on the phone, seeing him, opening a gift, agreeing to the terms of your break-up. It is so tempting to do one or all of those things to "be reasonable," to be nice, or to somehow honor the importance he had in your life for so long, even if not now. But those things will erode your confidence and weaken the decision you have made.

Own the guilt. It is there because of years of conditioning--your feelings of responisbility to him and his (questionable at best) mental health will not just go away, but just see them for what they are and keep going with "AllyCat 2006 - A New Beginning". A movie we all will buy tickets to see

 

[KristyDarling]

Ally, I''ve read this thread through in bits and pieces and I have to echo Wallermama''s excellent advice. Unless you make this an absolute and complete break, you''ll never know if it was truly the right decision. That means not letting his heartstring-tugging gifts and letters get to you, that means telling him that you want zero communication (including sending flowers, emails, etc), that means moving on with your life and just cutting his presence out of your life completely. If YOU feel like reevaluating 6 months later, then fine. (personally I hope that you will have happily moved on by then) But if you two keep up with all the indirect communication then nothing will have been gained. I have a feeling your BF *feeds* on all the drama...hence his insistence on prolonging the emotional agony with the drop-by visits and phone calls. But who is that helping? No one, only him (and his ego).

OK, I got all the "tough love" out of the way.

Now it''s time for virtual HUGS. Hang in there, sweetie. What a roller coaster your life has been and you are a trooper for staying strong throughout it all. I''m SO glad your dad is better....I had a bout with unexplained GI bleeding too recently (the most painful thing I''ve EVER gone through, including C-sections and other abdominal surgeries). Take care of yourself and please don''t let all of this affect your physical health. EAT, girlie!!! You need your strength.

 

[ladykemma]

remember when the codependent leaves the addict, the addict falls apart and can''t function. he will hit a swift alcohol and gambling bottom without you there (within the year) let him go splat.

both of you are in withdrawal. don''t get sucked in. you have been propping him up for years.

btw, it is totally unreasonable for him to set that boundary with you.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I agree! Stay strong Ally!

 

[KristyDarling]

Ladykemma -- you are so succint! You hit the nail on the head for what I was TRYING to say.

Ally, be strong. I know it''s been hard after all these years of "propping him up" as LK says, but you can do it.

You are still so young and have so much to look forward to, and you deserve THE BEST.

 

[FireGoddess]

Sorry to hear this week has pretty much stunk for you Ally. I have faith that you did great on the test. Don''t worry about things you can''t control anymore. Easy for me to say...I know. I''m still working on achieving that myself.

Promises haven''t meant much to your ex-BF from what I recall, so he had no right to make you promise not to date anyone for 6 months. Personally, should you have the misfortune of talking to him again when you''re trying to avoid him, I''d let him know that you have decided you won''t be keeping to that promise after all. Not to say that you should date someone so fast, and not to say that you will, but he should have NO control over whether you do or not, and he needs to know that.

BIG HUGS!!! I was pretty ticked off for a few days about lots of things and a coworker said, ''well, this may not sound comforting, but this too shall pass.'' And oddly enough, it was comforting. Things may seem bleak now, but they WILL pass. Chin up girl!

 

[Mara]

ally, i''m glad you checked in...sorry to hear that the week has not been the best, but that is to be expected in this kind of situation i guess. i agree with what the others have said in SPADES. stay strong. you deserve better. he had no right to ask you to promise not to see anyone for 6 months. of course that is pobably the last thing on your mind, but you are free to do whatever you want, it is YOUR life. you are not married to him and you two have split up. that means you do what you want and he does what he wants.

i also agree with ladykemma about the addict falling flat...this guy needs to bottom out and he does not need you picking up the pieces nor do you need that either. this is really important to remember...HE IS AN ADULT. he is responsible for his own life, his own actions. as are you. you are taking the right steps to be healthy for yourself. he needs to do the same thing and he needs to do it on his own and figure it out on his own. it''s probably really hard to continue to ignore his calls and letters and flowers (wtf dude, don''t you get that you guys are not together anymore?) but he is not respecting you by acting like this towards you right now either. he''s just being SELFISH and doing what makes himself feel better which is trying to get you back. so what? the cycle can continue?

stay strong girl!!! you are doing wonderfully even though you might not feel remotely like that right now...but i can guarantee in 6 months from now...if you stick to this and you try to focus on doing what makes you happy and concentrate on school...you will wake up as a new person and you will find that you love not crying, not writing in the journal, not grieving, not having the drama.

best wishes for your dad and you...girl hang in there, YOU CAN DO IT. and yes as FG said, this too will pass. it always does. and when one door closes another opens. cliche but i have found it is true.

 

[Blue824]

Ally, I just wanted to pop in and give a *hug* and say how sorry I am to hear how things have been going for you. You''ve received a lot of good advice, and from some of your past posts, it seemed like there had been issues brewing. Even if this is just a break and not a break up, I hope that in the end you are happy. You are a bright, strong, caring woman who deserves better than how you''ve been treated. It sounds like you may have outgrown the relationship, there are many men out there who would be lucky to have you in their life! I agree that you may want to at least go on a date or two before you evaluate the situation again with your ex. That whole getting back into the dating scene is really tough, and when you know that other guys are interested in you, it gives you some confidence to realize that you don''t have to SETTLE for being treated poorly. Stay strong through these next few months, keep us updated!

PS. I also wish your dad a speedy recovery!

 

[bookworm21]

Hey Ally, I''m sorry, I haven''t been on this board too much. Just a quick lurk and then I leave, but I caught your thread today (majorly late!).

I''m sorry for everything you have gone through. I have to say that everything you described about him is almost exactly like my bf. Promises made and broken; sleeping in the same bed, but not talking for four days straight, etc. I''m soooo proud of you for having the courage to get out of something that''s made you so unhappy.

If I can give some advice: do NOT read the letters he writes you. If possible, do not accept the gifts he gives you. I broke up with my bf a couple of years ago, because I was sick of broken promises and for him not taking my feelings into account. Well, he wrote me letters, kept calling me, and finally, I gave in and got back together with him.

Has he changed? No, not really. I think that after a certain age, people are incapable of changing. Their behavior is part of who they are. So I guess what I''m trying to say is stick to your guns and do not get back together with him. You''ve put up with so much and have been so patient with him that you deserve some time to be selfish and to figure out who YOU really are WITHOUT him. Your shyness may stem from the fact that you don''t have a separate identity from him because you two have been together for so long.

Again, I''m so sorry you''re hurting. I know exactly how you feel and have a good idea of your depth of frustration when you had to deal with his not calling you. I''m the same way; I can''t sleep unless I know my bf is safe. But of course, he doesn''t get it and is too macho to pick up the damn phone when I call when he''s out with his buddies.

Hope you''ll feel better soon and stay strong!

 

[Butterflies]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don''t have much to say other than: there is a website for people that have gone through a broken engagement: http://www.theregoesthebride.com/

They offer support and good advice. Hang in there.

 

[Scintillating]

Thanks for checking in Ally, I too have been wondering how you're doing. (I really started to wonder about the relationship back when you posted your ex's wedding ring.)
I'm sorry you feel under-siege, that's a horrible feeling. I had a similar experience with a very controlling ex who just wouldn't leave me alone. You've been given really good advice by the ladies of the board.

Rest.
Find some peace.
Hang out with friends.
Eat things that make you happy.
Go for long walks.
Just find yourself again.
10 years, is a long time to be with someone, especially when a significant portion are the formative adolescent/young adult years.
Try to figure out who you are, and what you want and need, completely independent of your relationship with M.
Hang in there. It's an exciting time of rediscovery, and yes freedom!
(Forget the promise, eventually you should get out there an date other men. Try em' on and see if they fit!)
You are absolutely doing the right thing!

Scintillating...

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Ally ...

I know this might sound nuts right now but: I am incredibly optimistic for you & your future & your happiness! Much more so now than ever. No matter what happens. I really think "coming out of hiding" (not protecting "his secrets" etc) ... do you know what I mean? ... is the first step in claiming the satisfying life you''re meant to have!

There was a time in my life where I really felt like I was alone & flawed & stuck ... but after I got honest with myself & started confessing all my "shortcomings" etc (to a therapist & then my friends) I realized that I wasn''t nearly as "flawed" as I thought I was ... and my "situation" wasn''t nearly as dire as I feared. It was VERY FREEING! This might not make any sense or apply to your journey ... but if it does, in anyway ... I''m strangely happy & relieved for you. You''re an awesome person. And I wish you THE BEST!

Deco

 

[allycat0303]

Aww gals, you are all so wonderful.

Oshinbreez, Wallermama, KristyDarling, Ladykemma, IrishAngel, Firegoddess, Mara, Blue824, Cinderella, Butterflies, Scintillating,

Thanks for all the good thoughts, I'm doing ok. Some little annoying developements, but nothing that is overwhelming. He fedex my ring back to me (which I suppose was expected) worrisome because I know he doesn't want it, and I don't want it. But now I'm kind of stuck with what to do with it. I think I'll send it back to him, but it's kind of silly cause he'll probably send it back to me....so I'm not sure what to do with it yet.

Aside from that my dad is doing bette, but not home yet. And the most totally embarassing thing happened, which was that a guy I've know for a while (friendly but not friends) asked me out for a fancy dinner and theater. I said no thanks (obviously) I've learnt my lesson a) no jocks b) no tattoes c) and no one with a carreer on overdrive. And I never want to date again. But the embarassing part was that guys aren't ever intrested in me in that way, so I turned so red. I swear I was going to faint from embarassement. My close girlfriend was watching the conversation and she told me she thought I was getting some sort of sudden 200 degree fever. So I've got a LONG way to go. It's like high school all over again. I do no act like a 26 year old when faced with male-female relationship. I feel like a 16 year old (and that's being generous).

Cinderella: I'm sorry that it hasn't happened for you yet. I'm sending you positive thoughts, hang in there. And of course you got that beautiful right hand ring.

Deco: My blond, sweet looking friend (deceptive, deceptive

) Thanks for the positive thoughts. I need someone that thinks I'm going to be ok. Because I have my doubts...mostly late at night, but we'll see. I need all the positivity I can get. And I do have to agree, that if nothing else, I feel a lot less stress. So freeing it was. Whatever will happen, will happen.

 

[Kaleigh]

Hi Ally,
I don''t have much to add, cause you have already gotten great advice. I''m glad you broke it off with him. You deserve someone who will be there for you and someone who isn''t a constant drain on you. I''m so glad your dad is doing better. HUGS girl, I believe great things are ahead for you.

 

[anchor31]

I''m gald to hear your dad is doing better... I hope he''ll be home soon. I wish your ex would stop putting you in difficult positions...

Hang in there, and big *hugs*.

 

[oshinbreez]

I was just wondering how your dad was. Hope he''s home soon.

Ok. So what was wrong with the guy that asked you out? I kinda remember you saying something guys not knocking down your door to date you, or something to that effect. I have a feeling you''re in for a surprise. I still say there''s nothing wrong with going out with someone a few times. Right now, you have the ability to "play the field". You get the chance to see what''s out there. There are alot of "losers", but there are also alot of really nice guys. One thing I''ve learned over the years...atleast in my experiences...is the guys that aren''t the most attractive on the outside have treated me the best. Seems like the real good looking ones are stuck on themselves. I''ll take an average looking man anyday.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Ally~
Great news about your dad! I''m happy to hear it. I''m also glad you''re holding up. I think everyone here will say that YOU WILL BE OK!!!!! Hang in there and thanks for the update! I''m trying to think about what you can do with that ring...

 

[lilmissjaja]

dear ally,

I have read all your post but did not want to put up any post cause I am just not good with advising other people...

and I just want to send a big hugz to you...

Do take care, and just enjoy your singlehood life..

 

[Mara]

" I need someone that thinks I'm going to be ok."

_______________

Ally, you WILL be alright. So trite, but 'this too shall pass'. I have been where you are...but actually kicking myself for letting a great thing go, so not quite the same at all, but I was also filled with doubt, regrets, unsurety, dreams where things were different. I felt alone, even though I spent time with good friends and my family as a welcome distraction. But it gets better. And you find yourself. I had a lot of 'epiphanies' during this time. Grew into my own skin a bit more. And you continue to grow. You'll be FINE. It just will take some time...but trust me. Eventually, one day you will wake up and realize that somewhere along the road, things got *wonderful* and you did it all on your own. And then you will wonder how you ever went so long in a relationship that was only stifling you and holding you down.

Hang in there and stay strong. Keep your family close. I know that you are in 'hiding' mode right now absorbing things, which is totally normal, but Anchor has repeatedly asked you to give her a call or similar, talk to her!! You need someone right now who is COMPLETELY on your side, your friend, your confidant. Someone who you know in person who can help ground you when you falter on this big decision. You mentioned previously that your friends love this guy, I would not trust them to be on your side if they think he walks on the clouds. You know the truth...you need someone whose first interest is YOU. So if you have not already, please call Anchor or someone like her who you know will be there for you.

Oh and on the ring...don't do anything with it. Right now he is interacting with you by playing this game with the ring. Don't play into it. Put the ring into a box and don't think about it. Someday later you can give it back and if he refuses to take it, sell it and donate the money if you really want absolutely no reminder. But do not send it back to him. He LIKES this interaction. You may not read his letters or take his calls but this is one way he still has hold over you. Don't give him control.

 

[bookworm21]

Hi Ally, you will be fine. And don't be shy about playing the field! I said it earlier, and I'll say it again because I think it's worth repeating: this is a time for you to be selfish and to discover who YOU are and what YOU want without having to think about another person. I have a feeling you're so shy because you haven't had a chance to truly discover yourself yet; I don't understand why you say you're not attractive. I've seen pics of you before and you're an absolute cutie!

ETA: And I also wanted to add that I agree with Mara said about the ring.